(It was reported this week that ambitious Chinese parents are sending their children on leadership workshops and CEO training courses aimed at kids as young as 6 months. “I doubt the course can really teach a child to become a future leader because they are too young,” commented one parent rather forlornly after paying RMB 12,000. “What can you expect from a three-year-old? My daughter can’t even put her own shoes on.” Some cynics have even dared to suggest that the courses are no more than over-priced daycare… We sent our undercover reporter to find out what was really going on.)
Now then children, today we’re all going to be world leaders and captains of industry. So let’s put our shoulders back, our noses in the air, and head for the top!
Hillary and Donald, if you two can’t play nicely, you’ll have to go and sit on the naughty step. Yes, Hillary, I heard what he called you. But that doesn’t make it right for you to – Hillary! Nice girls don’t use words like that.
This is Theresa, boys and girls. She’s new, so let’s all make her feel welcome. Theresa, I really don’t think it’s a good idea on your first day to start by telling everybody you don’t want to play with them. Look, you’ve upset Angela now. And believe me, you don’t want to mess with Angela.
Donald, don’t do that.
Let’s have a look at your drawings. Oh, Steve, what a lovely apple! Bill, stop copying Steve. Yes, you are. You can call it a window if you want, but it looks like an apple to me. What are you drawing, Ren? You’re drawing an apple too? I see… And Lei? Another – Wait a minute. Has anybody drawn anything that isn’t an apple? Everyone’s just copying Steve. Don’t you have any ideas of your own?
Hillary, what’s that on that piece of paper? Yes, the one behind your back. Bring it here now. No Julian, don’t snatch. Hillary’s going to do the right thing and give it to me herself, aren’t you, Hillary?
Oh dear. Have you swallowed it? Well, it’ll serve you right if it comes back up later.
Richard, put that down. Nobody’s going to take you seriously if you keep playing with balloons. What, you want to be a spaceman now? I’m not sure that’s really any better. Oh well, as long it keeps you away from the train set…
Donald, I asked you not to do that. I don’t care how big your hands are.
What have you got there, Jack? A designer handbag? How lovely. But it isn’t really, is it? You’ve just written “Louis Vuitton” on your lunchbox with a felt-tip pen.
No, Justin, put the playmobil away. Why? Because if you want to join the global elite, you’re going to have to learn not to concern yourself with the little people.
What’s that, Donald? You don’t want to be a world leader after all? You were just saying it to get attention? I’m afraid it’s cost a lot of money to get you here, so you’ll just have to try your very best. Anyway, I don’t think you have much to worry about…
(With apologies to Joyce Grenfell)
Photo: Courtany via Pixabay