I am still big, and I am still in Beijing. Some people have commented how positive I am, but honestly I am not, not really. I have gotten together with some colleagues to have a little weight loss challenge; we keep each other on point in a WeChat group. Honestly, I am a bit delusional creating a weight loss group with people who are 30 kilos lighter than me. They all are the weight I wish to be. But I remember what my mom used to tell me, “Your own pain is the worse pain.”
I have struggled since I got my membership to the gym. I can work out 24/7, but frankly it sucks because there is no Hailie (my personal trainer) waiting for me to keep me on track for one hour. If you ever wonder if a personal trainer is worth the money, let me tell you it is. Working out without her is so much harder; she has helped me with a good kick-start. Last week I worked out twice in the gym and went swimming once, but not with the full 100 percent as I did when I had with a trainer right there.
Dumplings and a weekend away have been my main pitfalls last week. The cravings for these pouches of love had me calling Mister Shi two different days last week, and I bought a pack of frozen dumplings at Jingkelong. Why? Because I went to the supermarket very, very hungry. I told my husband that I would cook healthily, but I returned from the grocery store with frozen dumplings and a cucumber. Mission failed.
Other than spending the night at a nice hotel I spent a night at Oasis International Hospital, getting a sleep test. With results I already knew: I suffer from sleep apnea, and have done so for the last four years. I have a special breathing machine that has been collecting dust for the last few years while I gained weight. I can’t stand the feeling of this mask bound to my face; it gives me claustrophobia. But if you don’t breathe properly while you sleep, your metabolism slows down and you gain more weight. It’s simple really, but a vicious cycle I can’t seem to break. After spending a restless night in a hospital room by myself with no life threatening disease (a mothers’ dream), the doctor gave me the advice I have heard many, many, many times: “It might go away, if you lose weight.”
And I feel sad and heartbroken because losing weight is the only thing I want. That and some dumplings…
Photos: Pauline van Hasselt