Beijing Authorities to Ban Sale of Ice Cream

After last year’s ban on soft cheese, another popular dairy product has come to the attention of Beijing’s public health officials. This time it’s ice cream which is to be prohibited from sale throughout the city.

“Ice cream is bad for our children in so many ways,” said Dr. Fu Lingyu of the city’s Food Inspection Board (FIB). “The sugar rots their teeth and the milk fats clog their arteries, while the cold imbalances the body temperature, blocks the meridian channels, and slows blood circulation.

“Until proper tests are undertaken to establish the effects of consuming this substance, it would be irresponsible to allow it to continue to be sold to minors. We recommend that it is replaced in children’s diets by red bean buns and deep fried durian.”

There have been reports of panic buying of the remaining stocks before the ban is implemented at midday, particularly by the city’s foreign residents. We advise against any rash responses, but suggest that parents may wish to buy their kids an ice cream this morning, as we don’t know when they may be available again.