Read the first part of this feature here.

When my children cry

The lifesaving reflection through playing with my bears, was that I was wearing a mask for the 30 odd years prior to the depression. The assumption that I needed to be strong, or that crying meant I would be weak or a failure, meant I denied the unpleasant emotions of hurt, pain, loneliness, or disappointment for fear that others would judge me or reject me.

Denying our real emotions has severe health consequences, especially for sufferers of depression, as it is only after acknowledging we’re NOT “fine” that we seek help and can recover. I was a prime example.

As a mother now, emotional awareness is our priority. We do not tell our children, “it’s okay, don’t cry” when they cry. Instead, we acknowledge they are crying for a reason. If they fell over and cried, to them it is real. Granted, our kids seem to see falling over as fun, whether they cry or not, we describe the facts to them: “You fell over”. We do not dictate how they should feel about it, or whether it is “okay.” If they cry, we say, “You are crying, maybe because it hurts after your fall?”

I printed a poster from the Internet of little girls’ different facial expression. Since maybe the age of 1, we have been talking to our daughter about emotions, and giving her the vocabulary to name how she feels. Slowly, even before she could talk, when she was upset, she would run to the poster, and point to the little girl who was crying. Sometimes she pointed to the girl who was laughing when she was happy. We read them story books about emotions.

A lot of people I have come across tend to throw unpleasant emotions under the carpet, as if then they will not be affected by the unpleasantness. Usually, we hear “don’t feel like that, it will be okay” or the likes. What this does is only to bottle up the emotions further, and trust me, one day, they will explode.

As young as 4 years and 15 months, my daughter and son will not understand the concept of mental health just yet. But I can do my part in helping them identify how they feel, and not belittling their feelings. We also do not label the emotions as “positive” or “negative” because emotions are, simply, emotions. One may find some unpleasant to experience, but it does not pigeon-hole a feeling as negative, as if it is wrong to feel so. As they grow emotionally aware, I hope they will also see that emotional wellness is tied in with mental wellness. And just as physical health sometimes breaks down, mental health does too, and there is no shame in the mood disorders such as anxiety, bipolar, depression, or other states of burnout and melancholy states.

We normalize ALL emotions. They are ALL real.

A mindset change

The pressure is real too. Public examinations are real. Competition is real. One cannot change the structure over night. But we as parents, can change ourselves, the way we think, the way we parent, and our states of being.

I’ve taken my kids to an indoor playground since they were young. I chose carefully because there is lots of supply, but not everyone understands childhood development. I liked the concept espoused at this place. The hardware is perfect – safe, clean, innovative, and child-centered, plus there were none of those squeaky toys that make lots of noise. The staff are warm and loving.

The culprits are the caregivers.

All the child wants, is to explore. He picks up a toy and tries to sit on it. The grandma snatches it from the child, and yells, “You cannot play with it that way.” Why not?

Another child is waddling around, but all he takes are three small steps and he has no room to go further – his mother on one side, and helper on the other side, are shielding him from unlikely, invisible danger on a padded floor with no sharp objects.

There is no space for the children. Parents hovering for no apparent reason other than a defense against their own anxieties as parents. The tragic thing, is that the parents do not seem to be aware of this, and channel all their anxieties on to their unassuming, resilient children.

It is a challenge for me to be at the indoor playground, watching the adult-child interaction. There are so many things I wish I could tell the caregivers, and I also know that to educate and change the mindsets of all the mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, and ayis, seems like an insurmountable task. I see many parents going to “Effective Parenting” classes and the like, to learn how to communicate with their children – I wonder how effective those classes are if the adult cannot communicate with himself or herself and have some level of self-awareness first.

Likewise, there is a limitless supply of early childhood education centers, play centers, interest classes, and child-friendly restaurants with great play spaces. Yet, I wonder how many of them are really dedicated in their philosophies, helping to change the way the adults think and parent, or is it simply a business venture that looks brilliant and colorful from the outside?

We seem to look for solutions and advice externally, as if paying for enough parenting classes and early childhood playgroups would then make us superparents with superkids. It’s not which playground or expensive club or the side of the street that will make our kids emotionally intelligent. It is the mindset – of the adults, not the children – that needs shifting.

First and foremost, let them play, in whatever way they can.

Playfulness is highly correlated to innovation, relaxation, and stress management. When we play, our brain excretes hormones and rewires neural pathways for learning, stimulating creativity, and catalyzing chemicals to maintain a happy state. This is the reason why playing with the bears helped me recover. This is the reason why playing is crucial to learning and development. And this is why playing is highly correlated with mental resilience and stress management. For those parents who are worried about examination results, research has also shown that playful teenagers score higher in exams. Adults who are playful are found to live ten years longer than average.

Give children a chance. Let them play, freely. If they want to sit on a toy, let them sit on a toy. There is no “supposed” way of playing.

Kids are not trophies

My growing-up story seems to be repeated, day in and day out. I meet executives with whom I work, and they tell me their similar experience – some of them still live under the shadow of being their parents’ trophies for comparisons between neighbors, and find no time to breathe.

There is nothing inherently wrong with extracurricular classes. What is worth some self-reflection on the part of the parents is why they put the children through them. Is it to keep up with the Wangs? Is it because the parents fear they will miss out on something? Is it because the grandparents said so? Or is it because the advertising is done too well?

There are thousands of theories out there: RIE, Reggio Emilia, Montessori, Waldorf, Forest schools, traditional educational structure, or the Finnish system that does not require children to start writing till they are 6 or 7 years old. Collect your own data, do your own reading, explore a cross-section of information – and then make up your OWN mind.

Choose the kindergarten, playgroups, and social groups with care. Find the teachers who respect children’s innate abilities to play. I have distanced myself from some other parents because of how they reacted to “conflict” between my children and theirs. There are lots of different people, and even if you are not a leading educational expert, you can choose who to follow. Plus, not every expert’s ideas are a right fit for your family, your child, or your style of living.

Many parents and ayis I meet at the indoor playground seem amazed that my children can put their shoes on and off themselves, throw rubbish into the bin, drink from a normal cup, and put toys back to their shelves. I smile, nod, and thank them. Inside, I am thinking, “Well, did you ever give them a chance to try on their own, or did grandma hold your child while the ayi takes their shoes off, and then grandpa cleans up after them?” Is it really that the child is not “independent”, or just that we deprived them of the capacities?

There is also something else to be recognized other than achievements. One time, when I was so happy bringing home my mathematics test because my score improved from 70 to 85 out of 100, my mother took a brief glance and then asked me, “Why still not 100/100?” I could only imagine how dismayed I felt. My effort was not valued – only the outcome. My Australian husband once told me that when he was at school, there were always two scores, one for the content, and one for effort, and his parents only cared about the effort score and whether he tried his best. Today, he is not as defined by outcome as I am. He can enjoy his journeys.

Congratulate your child for trying his or her best, and guide their persistence. Otherwise, they end up like me, focused only on achievements and goal, and knowing nothing other than achieving one goal after the next one.

Bearapy – Adults need to play too!

Depression is not weak. It is like a cold, but one of the mind. Sometimes one has a small cold with light sniffles, managing to go to work and daily activities. Sometimes one has a nasty cold with fever and aches and is bedridden. Some have used the metaphor of a black dog following you around. Many people in the world live day to day with mild depression, and go about their day, take care of children, and go to work. More severe cases are debilitating.

The World Health Organization classifies depression a global disease burden, responsible for more deaths than heart diseases or cancer. 350+ million people suffer from it every day. Companies worldwide lose more than USD 1 trillion annually to absenteeism, medical insurance, and low productivity from employees with depression. And yet many are in denial because we think depression makes us lose face, or is simply seeking for attention.

It is very real. We are taught from a young age not to cry, or not to lament. Subconsciously, we are taught to hide the unpleasant emotions, to the extent we don’t even feel them. My depression did not happen overnight. It happened with an accumulation of denial of emotions. I also could not ask for help because I simply could not articulate how I was feeling.

Seeing these issues, I decided to combine my personal experience with my knowledge and corporate experience. I ventured to study organizational behaviour, researching the psychology of playfulness and its links to everyday creativity and corporate culture. Then I established my company, Bearapy, with the mission to reduce workplace burnout and raise mental health awareness through the psychology of play. I conduct PLAYshops and mental health training for companies, executives, and the public.

I would like adults to be in touch with themselves, to stop following blindly, to realize the importance of mental health, and to find their inner playfulness once again.

I would like organizations to think about their executives’ mental wellbeing – not just piecemeal yoga and meditation classes, but to transcend corporate culture in support structure, hiring, and even interior design and workspace personalization.

And, I would like parents to stop overemphasizing the focus on their innocent children, who only need to be given physical and mental space to try things on their own, but instead to recognize that the real point of contention are the parents themselves.

Stress in the City

I get it. Life is not always a smooth ride. After my major depressive episode years ago, depression and anxiety came to visit again every now and then – when I felt lost for my career, after having my first child, when writing my newly-published book, “Stress In the City: Playing My Way Out of Depression”, after having my second child, when building a business becomes a struggle… Sometimes, I feel I burn myself out again, overwhelming myself with self-imposed pressures.

The difference is, I now recognize the signs. I know when that happens, and I can find the support I need to feel whole again.

I do not reject depression – in fact, I am most creative in my writing in that state. Rather, I take depression as a message: what is going on in my life right now that needs changing? Am I stuck in old ways again? Or do I just need to spend some more time playing?

Don’t let your kids end up the way I did. The very first step is increasing our own self-awareness in a no-nonsense way.

About the Author: Enoch Li

Based in Beijing, Enoch is a social entrepreneur and founded BEARAPY. The mission is to reduce burnout and mental health issues in the community and workplace through helping adults access their inner playfulness. She works with companies to build mental wellness into their company culture and to strengthen executives’ mental resilience. Prior, she had corporate and management experience in the banking and finance sector. Her work is widely recognized; she was awarded the Social Contributor of the Year 2018 Award by the International Professional Women’s Society in China.

Enoch is also a published writer and author, and her newest book, Stress In the City: Playing My Way Out of Depression, launched in the UK and US last summer.

She holds a Masters in Law (Hons) from the University of London, an Executive Masters in Coaching and Consulting for Change (Distinction) from INSEAD, and has completed Level I of Play Therapy Certificate by the Canadian Association for Play Therapy. Enoch is certified in multiple Advanced Small Group Trainings in the Tavistock Style from A.K. Rice Institute for the Study of Social Systems.

Resources

Stress In the City: Playing My Way Out of Depression is available on Amazon, DangDang, JD, Duokan, Baidu, and other online websites.

Web
– Blog: NochNoch.com
– Website: Bearapy.me
– Official WeChat account: BearapyBearapy

This article appeared in the beijingkids March 2019 Sustainability issue.
Photos: Oufeivision

Childhood education Is more than just signing up for classes or taking kids to playgrounds. It’s the mindset of the adults that matters the most.

“Have you done your homework yet?!”

I was stunned. I heard this phrase so many times as I grew up in Hong Kong. I hear this phrase often these days from parents and their young kids on the way home in the subway and on the streets. But I did not expect to hear it here.

“Here” was in a classroom in the south of Beijing. I was a participant with 50 other adults. The teacher gave us some finger puppets to role play. I picked up a cheeky-looking one that resembled a child, and the other three people in the group picked up the remaining characters of the family. I enacted the child, and bounced around. Finger puppet Mama came on stage, and the first improvised line was: “Have you done your homework yet?”

I almost cried. I was sitting in a classroom with 50+ child and family therapists and counselors. It was a course on play therapy. And the first thing that the “mother” can think of is homework for the kid! To hear this from those who are meant to be the ones supporting the children in this country to play more, to work through traumas, and process challenges at school and in families, alarmed me to how deep-rooted mindsets are in this culture and society. It was as if work was distinct from play, or that if the kid was playing, homework was neglected – and it was only a finger puppet! I cannot even imagine what it would be like for the real children growing up, snowballed under homework, extra-curricular activities, extra classes and tuition, and constant nagging from parents to do this and that just so that one will not finish last in the race.

But, why does play even matter?

Because it is an inherent right of the child.

Because it is how one learns and stimulates creativity.

Because it is relaxing.

And because, play can save lives.

It saved mine.

Going Places

Maybe it is not so difficult to imagine the life of a typical child growing up in middle-class China. I dare say I had a similar experience.

I grew up in the competitive city of Hong Kong. I went to some of the best schools, gleaned my awards, got recognition not only in academics but also in sports, debate, music, and community service. My “Tiger Mother” had my best intentions at heart. However, what she told me to do, and what she thought was good for me, was not what I wanted to do nor what I found meaningful. Nevertheless, I went to university, won scholarships, studied overseas, got a great corporate job and expatriate package, and started gallivanting around the globe in high heels and power suits. I felt like I was on top of the world.

We all have aspirations: maybe a promotion up the corporate ladder, maybe a fulfilling marriage, maybe a reputation. I had the luxury of having all those, at least to the outside. Then life throws a curve ball…

I was 28 years old and had a high-flying expatriate contract. I relished the glam life in an international bank, moving from London, to Paris, to Tokyo. I went to yoga classes, socialized, ate healthily, traveled, had a relationship, worked hard, and partied. I thought I was self-aware and had a balanced life. So I ignored the telltale signs, blaming the frequent colds on air-conditioning in the office.

Another promotion came my way in 2009, and I uprooted my life for Beijing. The first Friday here, I got another headache during the afternoon – maybe it was the summer heat. When I returned to the hotel, I took some Panadol and slept. At 2 am, I woke up like there was a jackhammer drilling down my head. The hotel guard accompanied me to a nearby hospital. Sitting in the bleak corridor with fluorescent lamps, I squirmed on the bench, cold, dizzy, and vomited over the floor, much to the dismay of the cleaning lady. The doctor brushed me off, blaming fatigue, and taught me the word for such excruciating pain: migraine.

I saw every medical specialist possible, but the migraines persisted over the next few months. Once a week. Once every few days. Every day. My GP suggested I see a counselor for stress issues. I smirked: “I am 28 years old. I am not stressed. I can deal with it!” trotting off for my weekly business trips, loaded with painkillers.

The migraines got worse. I had aura, dizziness, vomiting, and Herculean palpitations. I was so debilitated that as I was about to leave one day at 5am to catch the first flight to Shanghai, I collapsed on the bedroom floor. Because I could not move, my boyfriend called for the clinic to send a doctor, who said that the only other alternative was a morphine shot.

That did not sound good.

Stuck under 50 feet of snow

I had to take extended sick leave as I could not go past a few hours without a migraine. I relented one afternoon, and asked to see a psychologist – I had visualized drowning myself in the bathtub. The psychologist saw me as an emergency case and pronounced: “Enoch, you have severe clinical depression.” My matter-of-fact response was, “When do I go back to work?”

From then, I crashed into major clinical depression. All vigor left me. It was an unparalleled anguish, as if I was stuck under 50 feet of snow, freezing wet, dark, with no way out. I stopped eating, and lost about 15kgs. I slept all day and demanded the curtains closed. I cried, I screamed, I hit my head on the wall, I tried to overdose with my sleeping pills and antidepressants. I had illusions, thinking people would attack me on the streets. I felt utterly helpless. I quit my job and shut myself up at home.

I berated myself for being depressed. I had everything – youth, career, prospects, achievements… What was wrong with me?

Looking back, it would seem that this depression could be expected. The migraines were a warning signal I had ignored. The accumulated stress, the refusal to admit I needed help, and the disparity between who I was and what I wanted versus who I thought I should be or what might be accepted socially, resulted in depression. My mind and body collapsed.

Everyone has stress stemming from work. More pertinent were the pressures I was giving myself: that I had to get a certain promotion, that I needed to be accepted on a certain MBA programme – but was an MBA really what I wanted or just the trend for bankers? I assumed society’s expectations of me, that as a female leader I had to be “strong”, that I needed to prove myself incessantly. When I saw Facebook photos of how great a life my friends were having, I felt obliged to show off the latest gourmet meals – thank goodness there was no WeChat moments to keep up with 8 years ago! I felt obliged to be on top of the latest buzz and read every article possible. Such was my FOMO, on top of the constant fear of not being good enough.

But, what was “enough”? I was not sure. I only knew to achieve, because I was brought up to do so. One after the other. Only a shelf of achievements. There was no joy, no meaning, no playfulness.

What is play?

When adults hear the word “play”, they usually think “games”, “toys”, “for kids”, or “a waste of time”. I hear this a lot in the work I do now for companies. There are many definitions of play, and psychologists, anthropologists, sociologists, educationalists, behaviorists all have various definitions. Most would agree that Johan Huizinga, anthropologist and author of Homo Ludens, sets the foundational definition: play is (1) fully absorbing; (2) intrinsically motivated; (3) includes elements of uncertainty, or surprise, and fun; and (4) involves a sense of illusion or exaggeration.

Simply put, anything that one enjoys for the sake of it, can be play… daydreaming, sports, reading, writing, art, toys, objects, dance, games with people… Play can be anything and everything in any way one would like it to be. Play is communication, thinking, language, imagination, creativity, and independent thinking.

Play is also an inherent right of the child, under Article 31 of the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child, one of the most highly ratified piece of international law in the world. China is party to the treaty.

Yet, like many others, I stopped playing after a while as I grew up. It was not seen as important, and my hours were filled with homework, examinations, and extra classes. Even the sports I played seem to be geared towards competitions. When I started working, I filled my weekends with studying for a Masters degree and the Chartered Financial Analyst examination – I thought going out for a drink, hanging out, and sitting outside for a picnic was a waste of time.

Little did I know the kind of catastrophe I was setting myself up for.

“Beary” real emotions

I thank my depression. It taught me about me, it taught me about the parts of me I did not like, it taught me to not live in anyone else’s shadows, it taught me to question assumptions, and it taught me a new way of being. Most of all, it taught me to feel my emotions again.

As I went through the emotional roller coaster of rage, self-pity, guilt, and hopelessness, my boyfriend Timmie managed to drag me out to a nearby shopping mall for a walk after a few weeks at home. Chance happened that I loitered around a toy shop while waiting for him to go to the bathroom. When he came out, he saw something he had not seen in months – I was smiling at a stuffed toy polar bear. He bought the bear immediately and asked me to give the bear a name. I blurted, “Floppie, he just flops around all day, watches TV, and does not do anything.”

I found out the brand of the bear, that there were different sizes and colors, and started to collect them. I gave them names and personalities. As I got better, I took them traveling, taking photos of them, and amused myself with a photoblog by creating one-liner stories for each photo. The bears were the same design, but different colors or sizes. I gave each new arrival a name and a personality.

They gave me a reason to socialize again. When isolation kicked in as a depressive symptom, playing with bears became an antidote. It got me out of the apartment. In my indolent phase I started a photo blog for the bears to showcase their travels as I had once done. I made up short stories for them.

Psychotherapy and medication helped with the depression, but to find myself, the bears were key. Every bear was a different facet of me – bits of me I liked, and bits of me I did not like. It was hard to confront myself, especially the fears and shadows. Some of these bears were my “old self”, or an image of myself that I had internalized. Take for instance Fuzzie the banker bear, who is very calculating and only helps people in return for favors. He reminded me of my corporate days, of the skepticism I held towards people, and how I may have treated others. It was difficult to see that I may have been insincere in some relationships, especially at the workplace. And yet it was also part of me that I needed to accept and embrace, because I am not a saint. By projecting this part of myself that I didn’t like onto an unassuming, cute-looking, stuffed toy bear, looking at myself became more tolerable.

The bears created a safe space for me to project my fears onto them, to analyze myself, and to face myself. This was how I engaged my brain, my imagination, my fantasies, my thoughts, my emotions, and my reason. They instilled life in me once more.

I was playing again.

In the playing, I could rediscover my creativity and heal. I did it because it distracted me from ruminating, and from the negativity in my head. Timmie called this indulgence Bearapy – bear therapy. Through these bears, I started to identify how I felt about myself, to situations, and towards people. I started to realize that most of my emotional vocabulary was limited to “happy”, “unhappy”, and “okay” – which even isn’t an emotion.

I was too used to putting up an image and needing to protrude the façade of being strong, happy, accomplished, positive, put together, and stoic. This was done at the cost of suppressing everything else – loneliness, disappointment, resentment, anger, shame, cynicism. No person can be happy and positive all the time.

Of course, there could be rainbows after a storm, but when it is thunder and lightning with torrential rain over my head right now, there is no reason not to address the stormy experience and admit it to oneself.

About the Author: Enoch Li

Based in Beijing, Enoch is a social entrepreneur and founded BEARAPY. The mission is to reduce burnout and mental health issues in the community and workplace through helping adults access their inner playfulness. She works with companies to build mental wellness into their company culture and to strengthen executives’ mental resilience. Prior, she had corporate and management experience in the banking and finance sector. Her work is widely recognized; she was awarded the Social Contributor of the Year 2018 Award by the International Professional Women’s Society in China.

Enoch is also a published writer and author, and her newest book, Stress In the City: Playing My Way Out of Depression, launched in the UK and US last summer.

She holds a Masters in Law (Hons) from the University of London, an Executive Masters in Coaching and Consulting for Change (Distinction) from INSEAD, and has completed Level I of Play Therapy Certificate by the Canadian Association for Play Therapy. Enoch is certified in multiple Advanced Small Group Trainings in the Tavistock Style from A.K. Rice Institute for the Study of Social Systems.

Resources

Stress In the City: Playing My Way Out of Depression is available on Amazon, DangDang, JD, Duokan, Baidu, and other online websites.

Web
– Blog: NochNoch.com
– Website: Bearapy.me
– Official WeChat account: BearapyBearapy

This article appeared in the beijingkids March 2019 Sustainability issue.
Photos: Oufeivision