Kathryn Tonges – Beijing Kids

Screen Media Time: A Source of Conflict or Opportunity?

Sisi_Chen — Thu, 01 Aug 2013 07:00:00 +0000

“But mom, it’s so much fun!”
“It’s only a game.”
“I just have to finish.”

Sound familiar? This typical chorus of retorts resounds in homes around the world when parents chide their children for being online too long or playing violent video games. The seductive power of digital media has left parents and teachers conflicted about how best to navigate a wise path with children.

Feeling overwhelmed, adults often resort to power and threats or passive acceptance to keep the peace. Neither is an opportunity for learning self-discipline, fostering respectfulness, or developing closer relationships.

Parents need to be informed and proactive: Firstly about the effects of screen media, and secondly about using effective communication to build strong relationships so that they influence children to use screen media wisely.

Research on the effects of screen media
Karen Dill, author of the single-most-cited study on the effects of video-game violence, delivers on how parents and children can move from “the passenger seat to the driver’s seat” in her book, How Fantasy Becomes Reality: Seeing through Media Influence.

In his presentation “The Impact of Screen Media on Children: A Eurovision for Parliament” for the Quality of Childhood Group at the European Parliament, Dr. Aric Sigman contends that “screen time has now become a medical issue. Research published in the world’s most reputable medical and scientific journals shows that the sheer amount of time children spend watching TV, DVDs, computers and the internet is linked with significant measurable biological changes in their bodies and brains that may have significant medical consequences.”

What must be noted is that these concerns are purely based on the premature use or overuse of screen media in children whose brains and bodies are not yet fully formed. Dr. Sigman lists recommendations for the amount of exposure time according to age; children under 3 should have no exposure at all.

However, there are benefits when used in moderation. Just watch cognitive neuroscientist Daphne Bavelier’s TED talk. She studies the effect of action games at Switzerland’s University of Geneva and the University of Rochester in New York, and has shown that playing video games can improve eyesight, increase concentration, develop multi-tasking skills, and have positive effects on learning and attention span.

So how can you leverage children’s attraction to screen media in reasonable amounts to create long-lasting educational and healthful effects. Along with your children, you can become discerning media users and competent citizens by:

1. Establishing respectful relationships. Children won’t listen to your concerns if you have not listened to theirs. Build your relationship by getting to know their media likes and dislikes, and showing interest in their online games without taking over. Share what you enjoy about screen media. Listening and sharing is the foundation of a healthy relationship.

Parent example: “My husband plays my boys’ favorite video game with them, on the same team of five against other cyber teams. My boys have voiced that they are so lucky and that the other boys think it’s so cool that their father plays too. Even I have expressed interest and they are delighted to explain some of the terms to me. Then, when they are playing and I make a comment on their player or strategy, the other team members who can hear me, giggle in delight and awe. It really is a chance to become closer because my boys feel accepted rather than demonized."

What not to do: “During these five player games, everyone is privy to what goes on in other households. According to my oldest son, his good friend (15 years old) has been yelled at and criticized for a ‘full 30 minutes, no joke!’ and been forced to quit his game because his mother ‘decided he had to help them choose a family movie to watch.’ (My husband confirmed this.) Not only was his friend embarrassed in front of others, but there was little chance he was going to enjoy that ‘family’ movie."

2. Be a role model. Model self-discipline in the use of your own screen time. Do not have the TV on as background noise. Model respectful, effective communication skills. Complete Parent Effectiveness Training. Have eye-to-eye conversations.

3. Maintain regular family fun time. Brainstorm alternative ideas together: sports, a picnic, board games, cooking, etc.

4. Meet individual needs in a variety of ways. Support children in brainstorming alternatives to screen media to meet their individual needs for significance, belonging, fun, freedom, and self-competence. Young children often cry if they are asked to finish a screen game. Acknowledge their upset and need. Help them choose an alternative.

Parent example: “My 3-year-old often cried when asked to finish playing a game on the iPad. I now prepare her a few minutes beforehand and what we will do next to help her transition. She might still cry but now I actively listen to her need and say, ‘You really wanted to keep playing. You were having so much fun. It’s time for a new activity so you can still have fun and your brain and body can do different things.’I show her alternatives to select from.”

5. Provide unstructured play time without electronic media. This is especially important for the young child’s developing brain.Children need an opportunity to create and have physical release. They need time to use their bodies, sensory self, and time for inner reflection.

6. Develop self-discipline. Encourage children to draw up a plan that balances their free time, homework time, and physical needs time, with a range of options.

7. Become discerning media consumers. Have discussions when there is no problem and at a time that suits you both. Talk about online safety, gender and racial stereotyping, social identity and self-image, and pornography and sexual predators. Then discuss healthy sexuality, cyber-bullying and the importance of assertiveness, and narcissistic “look at me” trends that are inherent in social media.

8. Use media to send positive messages to your child.

9. Share values and concerns respectfully when there isn’t a problem. Your children’s ears will be more open to hearing your ideas. Become a consultant who influences by sharing observed concerns, facts and research rather than controlling through threats and nagging. Discuss and listen to your children’s perspective.

10. Use assertive communication skills when you have a problem with your child’s behavior. Use “I-messages” rather than threats or judgmental “you-messages” e.g. “I am concerned that you are playing longer with your games than the time we had agreed and I’m concerned you will run out of time for your homework” rather than, “If you don’t stop playing you won’t be going to the movies with your friends.” Listen to your child, then reassert your concerns.

11. Problem solve conflict. Use conflict as an opportunity to resolve it the P.E.T. “no-lose” way.

Identify your needs and listen to your child to help identify their needs. Your child might identify their need for fun or to complete a level once started. Perhaps they’ve miscalculated how long they needed on a particular level.
Brainstorm mutually acceptable solutions to meet those needs so they’re not up late finishing homework. For example, start the game earlier or choose games that don’t take so long on weekdays when there is homework.
Problem solving without first identifying needs is the surest way to prolong conflicts. Children who are invested in coming up with solutions to their needs and others are more likely to follow through.

“No-lose” example when children brainstormed with parents: “The boys finish all their homework on week nights before playing one game, which lasts 20-50 minutes. If there is no time because of extra-curriculars, they won’t play if it interferes with their bedtime. On weekends, they have more flexibility and are encouraged to use their judgment. One Saturday this spring, we were out of the house from 8.30am to 6pm with other activities and one teenage son was left alone. I called to check in once and (with some effort) did not nag or mention video games at all. As soon as we got home, he bounded up to me and proudly announced without prompting that he had only played two hours of his game because he had broken up his time with various homework assignments. That accomplishment in self-discipline was fully his!”

What not to do: Some years ago I was visiting a home when the mother informed me that she had once again banned her teenager from using the computer for a week because she had been online chatting too much. Imagine the potential for resentment, possible retaliation, an “I’ll get back at you” attitude, or telling lies by going to a friend’s house and going online there. How will this teen ever learn self-discipline if she has always had discipline imposed? I wondered what would happen when the teen leaves home to attend university with no parental control.

Digital media amplifies good and bad. The rise in the last 10 years coincides with a decline in empathy. On the other hand, some games show how to get healthy and express creativity; heroic activities in virtual reality make you more helpful in the real world.

Writing this blog, I became so absorbed that I forgot the time. Instead of berating children when they forget, be understanding, be a consultant about the effects of too much, and support their problem-solving on how to remember time limits.

Your role is clear. Use digital media with children as an opportunity for learning about life.

Kathryn Tonges is an author, Parent Effectiveness Training (PET) expert, and former beijingkids board member. To get in touch with her, email kathryn.tonges@gmail.com.

The Powerful Benefits of Storytelling

morganshang — Thu, 09 May 2013 07:00:00 +0000

There is an old saying, “Richer than I you’ll never be, for I had a parent who read to me.” The benefits of reading can never be doubted, however I would like to rewrite this saying and state, “Richer than I you’ll never be, for I had a parent who told stories to me.”

In our highly visual world, it is vital that children have an opportunity to listen and imagine. My passion is to encourage parents and teachers to include oral storytelling on a regular basis.

Storytelling strengthens brain development. Without text and pictures, storytelling teaches children how to listen deeply, visualize characters and remember a sequence of events. It not only supports literacy via listening to the rhythmic cadences of the mother tongue, it can convey morals, values and wisdom. The therapeutic benefits however are what are often overlooked.

Yanhong Wheeler is a bestselling Chinese parenting author, best known by her pen name Xiaowu (小巫). One of her books 《小巫教你讲故事》teaches us how to compose and tell different types of stories, such as bedtime stories, nature stories, temperament stories, curriculum (classroom) stories and pedagogical (or healing) stories for challenging situations and behaviors.

My friend Yanhong calls storytelling “nourishment for the soul” and states that reading, lecturing or watching TV cannot compare or compete. She firmly believes that storytelling is “the most powerful tool of parenting and education.”

World recognized Australian author, teacher trainer and parent educator Susan Perrowalso writes of the therapeutic value of storytelling for children’s challenging behaviors by “working with imaginative journeys and the mystery and magic of the metaphor” in her book Therapeutic Storytelling: 101 Healing Stories for Children”

Perrow explores unruly behavior, grieving, anxiety, lack of confidence, bullying, teasing, nightmares, intolerance, inappropriate talk, toileting, bedwetting and much more. She offers a tried and tested method for a parent or teacher to create unique therapeutic stories. She also draws on modern and traditional wisdom tales.

Very often, both teachers and parents have become used to the idea of using picture books and do not have confidence in storytelling. For many adults, they lack role models as they have never had a story told to them.

I was a lucky one, for I was the child of a father who told stories to me. I have vivid memories of him tucking me into bed and asking him to tell the story yet again about him riding his horse bare back to school, about the huge goanna he caught or about the antics of Major, his draught horse. He also told traditional stories like The Three Little Pigs.

There was no doubt that storytelling brought personal connection and invigorated my imagination. Yanhong further emphasizes, “Stories come directly from the parent’s soul, imbued with love, and flow directly into the child’s soul.”

So how and what do you tell stories about?

Take some ideas from my father and keep it simple. Choose an event that has special meaning to you and tap into the emotions behind the events. My father told stories about adventures and experiences from when he was a child. He also told traditional nursery stories and stories about when I was little.

My mother loved to tell the story of what happened on the day each of my siblings was born on the occasion of our birthday: “Dad was picking beans and it was a cold day in June. It was the year the fires had burnt the hills on either side of the valley … You were born with dark curly hair that the nurses loved to comb…”

As an early childhood teacher, I learned to tell stories that I created: “The little mouse that got lost in the woods and found her way home” and “The kite that wanted to fly.”

I also learnt to tell stories that paralleled a young child’s experiences, fears or upsets. If a child did not want to go to school, or was scared of the dark, I told a story about a fictitious child (or animal) who did not want to go to school or was frightened. I injected hopefulness into the story. Sometimes I involved the class or my child in working out ideas for what the fictitious child could do.

As a parent I used to tell stories that helped my sons go to sleep. I found Maureen Garth’s books, Moonbeam and Starbright were useful stimulants to come up with tales that helped my sons relax. I also used the ideas to make up my own stories for the children in the classroom, helping them relax, become peaceful, and develop concentration and imagination.

Yanhong shared with me that a simple bedtime story does not need to be dramatic but can “contain lots of repetitions, warm, fuzzy and beautiful themes.” She revealed that she had “received hundreds of responses from parents who tell me that the most ‘effective’ story in my book is the simplest bedtime story about three little rabbits going out to play, separating at a fork in the road, each finding a field of flowers of different color (repetition), chasing some butterflies, falling asleep, being woken up by rain, running back to their rendezvous point and then discovering that the rainbow in the post-rain sky is composed of the light that shines from their respective field of flowers (repetition)! This little story has successfully put numerous children to sleep. Parents feel encouraged and have come up with their own successful versions later.”

Parents working away from home often have the dilemma of not being present for their child’s bedtime routine to read a story or tell a story. Although nothing beats the warm, loving connection of a child nestled close to a parent, Australian Jasmine Berry has come up with a brilliant idea of recording the reading of stories via her free website Read to My Child. All books read are quality children’s stories and read with permission from the publishers or authors. It is certainly a far better alternative to children watching DVDs. It would be useful for teachers encouraging parents to read to their children also.

So what has Jasmine Berry’s idea to do with storytelling? I hope her idea encourages you to record your own unique stories that you wish to tell your children for the times you are away.

I encourage you to tell a story the next time you tuck your children into bed and teachers, the next time you have storytime with your class. Decide what and why you will tell this story and to boost your confidence, start with something simple. You’ll be amazed at how enthralled the children will be. As your confidence grows and you see the pleasure and benefits children gain you can make up a fictional tale that offers therapeutic benefits as well.

Happy storytelling!

Kathryn Tonges is a parenting and personal development instructor and coach. She is a National Trainer for Effectiveness Training Institute of Australia Ltd. and has conducted parenting courses for over 30 years. She trained as a pre-school/primary teacher and has taught from early childhood to tertiary level, focusing on child development and effective communication skills. Kathryn currently resides in China. Her passion is helping people to build more peaceful, loving relationships. She is a co-author of Slurping Soup and Other Confusions: real life stories and activities to help third culture kids during transition.www.slurpingsoup.com

photo by Flickr user: woodlywonderworks

How to Nurture Your Relationship as a Parent

Sisi_Chen — Tue, 12 Jun 2012 05:00:00 +0000

"When we are surrounded by relationships that nurture us fully, our souls feel safe to grow, create and have the courage to express ourselves fully. Being in a state of nurturing is familiar to our souls; it is from this place that we first enter this world, and it is up to us to safeguard our spiritual selves to remain in a state of nurturing."
—Madisyn Taylor, co-founder and editor-in-chief of DailyOM

Nurturing your baby is an all-encompassing responsibility, so you may be wondering: how can I also nurture my relationship with my partner, let alone deepen it? Our behavior reflects our needs, and your newborn is very needy – dependent, in fact. As a result, you’d be excused for overlooking you and your partner’s needs during this early phase of parenting.

However, sooner or later, you and your partner are going to feel deprived – or even resentful – of each other and the baby if this gradual need depletion isn’t addressed. On the other hand, if you find ways to fulfill your needs both jointly and individually, you’ll feel satisfied, happy, and more able to give to each other and your baby. Who doesn’t want that?

With such an immense life change as a newborn, the trouble is that how you used to get your needs met seems almost like an impossibility. Before the baby arrived, maybe you never even thought about your needs; you had the freedom to just do what felt right.

However, simply identifying your needs can help you and your partner support each other. It can lead to new, mutually-satisfying ways of fulfilling your needs that benefit not only yourself, but also your relationship.

“But I don’t even know what my needs are!” a new parent called Angela recently told me. Angela grew up in a family where she always had to consider the needs of others and not her own. She was now exhausted and beginning to get angry at her husband. We explored a few ways to identify her needs, including looking at a couple of useful theories.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
The famous psychologist Abraham Maslow devised a “hierarchy of needs” to represent the nature of human needs. He studied exemplary people who had a zest for life, creative energy, a sense of humor, and higher and more frequent “peak” experiences. Believing that these people used their full potential, he called the sum of these characteristics “self-actualization.”

In Maslow’s model (pictured above), self-actualization is shown as the pinnacle of a triangle, the tip being level 5 and the base being level 1 (physical survival needs). Basic level 1 needs include our biological need for food, air, water, and sex. Did I mention the S-word? What happened to that need when you had a newborn? Sex is possibly not on the mother’s radar, but represents a strong wish for the father!

There are other levels in between:

Level 5: Self-actualization needs
Level 4: Success and achievement (self-esteem needs, productivity, and achievement)
Level 3: Social relationship needs (we’re social beings and need relationships)
Level 2: Security needs (feeling safe and free of fear, both psychologically and physically)
Level 1: Physical survival needs (biological needs)

If your level 1 needs aren’t being met, Maslow suggests that it’s hard to focus on getting higher-level needs met. When people are deprived of need satisfaction at any level of the hierarchy, they become limited in their personal growth. If you have a newborn, you’re probably thinking: “I don’t care about personal growth, I just want to get my basic needs met!” But that’s exactly Maslow’s point!

Glasser’s Choice Theory
A second theory by psychiatrist William Glasser offers another way to identify your needs, which can also serve as a handy tool for parents. Glasser’s “choice theory” posits that all of our behavior is internally-motivated; in other words, it’s our best attempt to satisfy one or more of the five basic internal needs at any given time: love, identity, fun, freedom, and survival.

Choice theory can help us become aware of our own “quality world” and teach us to be sensitive to the quality world of others. According to Wikipedia, a quality world “represents a person’s total outlook and understanding of the world around them as it relates to people, possessions, beliefs” and more.

A fun way to explain this theory is through the analogy of a four-legged chair. The seat of the chair represents survival, while each leg stands for one of four needs: fun, love and belonging, freedom, and power (self-competence and identity).

The chair varies from person to person, as the thickness of each leg changes depending on an individual’s internal needs. In other words, your chair will look different from your partner’s and each of your children’s.

I know when my needs are not being met: when my chair gets wobbly! I get irritable and cranky with myself and the people I love the most. My chair becomes stable again when I tune in to which needs aren’t being met and take action to meet them.

Self-Help Measures
Angela could see the benefits of this self-discovery; however, her feelings of anger were posing a challenge to her. I explained to her that her feelings are red flags that indicate when her needs aren’t being met or she’s not aligned with her values. Angela and I brainstormed some ideas to identify her feelings and needs:

Tune in to your feelings regularly and identify what you are feeling. Begin by asking yourself at least three times a day “How am I really feeling?” Print out a list of emotion words to more easily pinpoint your feelings and develop your emotional literacy.
Give yourself permission to feel, no matter how uncomfortable the feeling. Acknowledgment leads to action; suppression leads to explosion. Most of us were trained as children to suppress and be afraid of our feelings, so this will take some practice.
Tune in to your physiology – your body’s tenseness or physical changes are also indicators of your feelings
Tune in to your thoughts. They may be sabotaging your efforts to getting your needs met through negative self-talk: “I can’t do that. Everyone else’s needs are more important than mine. It’s selfish to think about my own needs.” Change these thoughts into more realistic ones.
Ask yourself: “If I were 5 percent more aware of my body, what would that be like? If I were 5 percent more aware of my thoughts, what would I notice? If I were 5 percent more aware of my feelings, what would my day be like?” Aim to become a little more self-aware every day.
We behave (or misbehave) in order to get our needs met, so ask yourself: “How am I behaving – what is my need?”
If you’re angry, this is usually a secondary emotion – the tip of the iceberg. You need to uncover what lies below the surface and identify your primary emotions (e.g. hurt, fatigue, fear, etc.). This will give you a clearer idea of your unmet needs.
Notice when you’re feeling joyful, relaxed, and happy; these positive feelings show that you’re getting your needs met.
We sometimes have to look for new solutions to get our needs met. As mentioned at the beginning of this post, how we used to get our needs met may not suit our current family situation.

Putting It Into Practice
Angela found it useful to think of this as a simple three-step process:

Tune in to your feelings and physiology, especially your primary feelings
Identify your unmet needs
Brainstorm ideas for getting your needs met by thinking of new and creative solutions

Clarifying your needs is essential before you work out solutions. For example, you may have a solution for getting to bed earlier, but it leads to an argument with your partner: “We will never have any time together if you go to bed earlier!” Your needs differ; yours is for more sleep (survival need), while your partner’s is for more alone time with you (love and belonging/relationship need).

Once you identify your needs, you can brainstorm a variety of new and creative solutions with your partner to suit your new family dynamic. It’s a win-win approach that means both of you are getting your needs met, leading to mutual respect rather than resentment. This approach to problem solving and listening is revealed alongside other time-tested communication methods in Parent Effectiveness Training, a book by psychologist Dr. Thomas Gordon.

When you focus on getting your needs, along with those of your spouse, baby, and your other children, the intent is one of wanting to help and move forward. The use of effective communication skills results in positive outcomes rather than resentment created by the “blame game.” You need to be able to voice your needs clearly as both a statement of fact and a request for help.

Going back to Angela’s example, she decided to say to her husband: “Since the baby was born, I’ve been feeling very tired and need more sleep. That’s why I’m finding it difficult to be social and loving. Can you help me work out some ways to get these needs met and have more time with you?” Angela’s husband was surprised by her new way of speaking about her needs, but willingly came up with some solutions because he could see the benefits for both of them.

It takes time to learn new ways of relating to others and getting your needs met, so be kind to each other. Consider it as an evolving approach to taking responsibility and effective control of your life.

Applying more effective communication skills and becoming more aware of your needs leads to greater enjoyment, deeper relationships, and the creation of a wonderful model of healthy family interaction for your baby.

Kathryn Tonges is a Beijing-based Parent Effectiveness Training (PET) expert and beijingkids board member. To get in touch with her, email kathryn.tonges@gmail.com.

As a bonus, here are two self-help measures you can try:

Exercise 1: Identify Your Needs
Based on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, think about your current needs and what’s important to you. Draw a triangle with five levels and fill in your unmet needs. You partner can draw a separate triangle, then you can compare notes. However, remember that this isn’t a license to start blaming each other.

Exercise 2: Send an I-Message
When you voice your needs, frame your words as an “I-message.” As opposed to using an accusatory “you-message” like “You should know that I need more help” or “You never help me,” an “I-message” places the other person in the position of helper rather than culprit. In Angela’s example, she said “I’ve been feeling very tired and need more sleep” rather than “you don’t do anything to help me get more sleep.”

Further Reading

Gordon, Thomas. Parent Effectiveness Training. Three Rivers Press, New York, 2000
Glasser, William. Choice Theory – A New Psychology of Personal Freedom. Harper Collins, New York, 1998
Maslow, Abraham. Motivation and Personality. Longman Asia Ltd., Hong Kong, 1987 (third revised edition)
Hold Me Tight (the blog of Dr. Sue Johnson, an award-winning professor of clinical psychology and director of the International Center for Excellence in Emotionally-Focused Therapy)

Photos (in order of appearance): LennyBaker (Flickr), Wikimedia Commons, Dee Adams (Flickr), jurvetson (Flickr), and Parker Michael Knight (Flickr)

Tiger Mom and Wolf Dad, Consider the Power of Effective Parenting

Tue, 03 Apr 2012 08:00:35 +0000

Enough is enough!

I keep reading comparisons of parenting approaches like the Tiger Mom, Wolf Dad, and the “mean” French way (They’re not the only ones who are “mean” by the way). They all use children’s “good behavior” and “accomplishments” as benchmarks for judging their adequacy as parents and their parenting style.

The parents validate their own ego and self–gratification that they have controlled their child without questioning the abusive and/or inadequate parenting methods handed down from their parents’ or their cultures’ fears. Indeed every parent and every culture needs to reflect on whether their choice of parenting style has evolved out of fear rather than love for children.

I am sure parents will also justify their parenting style by saying “I love my child” and I do this in their best interest. My question is whether this love is conditional upon what the children do or based upon unconditionally loving children for whom they are. For more on this subject,t I suggest reading Alfie Kohn’s book Unconditional Parenting.

What about the children? Methods of parenting that punish, force, humiliate, betray, shame or hurt children. This is cruelty to an innocent. The result is children have to learn to get over their childhood. The loving connection with their parents is missing, and is instead compensated for in adulthood by anti-depressants, addictions, material things, relationships with other hurt adults or never really feeling at peace with oneself.

Parenting is a lesson in life and a mirror to our fears and inadequacies. We can choose to grow and change and as one friend put it “choose to be terminators” of parenting methods that harm. I agree.

We can also choose to have parenting power. Not the power that is controlling of others but the power with knowledge that supports and generates growth, is imbued with wisdom, is open to change, self-reflection and opportunities to learn alongside our children.

Our children are precious people, not objects to be manipulated. If we want our child to learn to play a musical instrument, must we force her to practice three hours a day from early childhood? What is our real motivation here?A love and joy of music and learning a skill OR is it about being better than anyone else at a cost to the child’s inner peace and soul?

A parent I know was forced this way. She became a brilliant pianist and went to the equivalent of an Ivy League school on the west coast of the US. But she also developed chronic tendonitis as early as 11, was burnt out about playing piano at age 18, and went through another decade and a half of depression and a severe eating disorder before she finally recovered. She is not alone. The high rates of depression and suicide in Asian countries where tiger parenting dominates attest to this. More on that here.

Were the costs of Tiger Parenting in her case worth it? Of course not! Could she have been parented another way for her to truly be her best? Of course! This same parent believes that parents are driven by the fear that “If I don’t force my child to practice or do homework they won’t, and then they’ll end up as failures and it’ll be my fault.”

We do not force our children to learn to speak or to walk. We trust they will do so. How can we not trust our children to learn in other ways through their play, their interests, their innate curiosity and because of our love and trust and faith in their unique capacity? We do not honor our children through forcing and shaming. Hurting our children does not make them “behave better” out of respect and empathy; it does so through fear.

If we want emotionally healthy and well–adjusted children, it is well–known that children learn best when they are relaxed and interested. Today many people suffer from chronic stress, which is linked to heart disease, depression, diabetes, and countless other health problems leading to early death. Scientists believe our ability to manage stress as adults is formed in childhood. As parents, we have the power to help, not hinder.

Ask yourself this question: Has your child concluded that your love depends on performance and achievement or does your child feel loved for who s/he is? The latter allows your child to flourish holistically, accepting themselves mistakes and all and allowing them to have healthy relationships with others.

We then will not need books like, Free From Lies: discovering your true needs by Alice Miller, to help adults break free from the destructive cycle of ineffective and abusive parenting. Miller states that when children are small this is “exactly the time when the human brain builds up its structure and should thus learn kindness, truthfulness, and love but never, never cruelty and lies.”

Parent Effectiveness Training provides a clear step–by–step model that brings out the best in you and your child and shows you how to most effectively transmit your important values so children are intrinsically motivated rather than extrinsically.

I encourage you to use your power as a parent to make an informed parenting choice.

Kathryn Tonges is a teacher, Beijing-based PET parenting expert, a beijingkids board member, and the co-author of Slurping Soup and Other Confusions: True Stories and Activities to Help Third Culture Kids During Transition.

Photo by vharjadi of Flickr.

When Your Spouse Has a Different Parenting Style

Thu, 24 Nov 2011 08:00:13 +0000

Help, my spouse has a different parenting style. What should I do? Won’t my children be affected? My spouse thinks that parenting comes naturally.

In every parenting course I teach, this is a common concern. When one parent begins to explore more effective communication skills for parenting, sometimes their spouse can feel unsettled by the changes.

For some, the changes feel like a threat or a criticism of their parenting style or even of the way they were parented. They say, “I turned out alright.” Of course, this is natural to feel unsettled when someone you love begins to change.

So how can parents support each other rather than feel attacked or pressured to change? After all: “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.”

The ideal would be if both parents were on the same page in terms of parenting methods. The reality is we are individuals with different needs and values. Parents are told they must have a united front. Again the reality is that to do so would be false and children quickly recognize this.

Below are some ideas if you wish to influence your spouse’s parenting style and at the same time accept your differences.

1. Discuss calmly and with interest each other’s parenting goals when you are relaxed and happy. Really listen to your spouse rather than merely to come up with your next response of attack. (The questions below will help this discussion).

2. Role model the parenting methods you think are important. Your spouse will see the positive interactions you are having with your children.

3. If you are learning new parenting skills and still in the early stages of changing:

A) Share with your spouse why you are doing the parenting course. Share that you want to be the best parent you can be. Share that you are still learning the skills and would appreciate support in the early stages. You are doing this because you love your spouse and you love your children.

B). Share the same with teenagers or pre-teens who are old enough.

C) Encourage your spouse (and teens who are interested) to read the parenting book. An audio version of the book has worked well for many parents either listening together or while travelling for the busy spouse.

4. If your child tries to “play you off,” you can be supportive of your spouse’s needs by saying to your child: “That is not a problem for me but it is for your mother/father right now, and his/her feelings are important to me, so you need to find a different solution.” Of course, you can then assist your child to work out a solution.

Our proactive decision to parent in a certain way is underpinned by our values and core beliefs about how we want our children to grow up. If we have never taken the time to think about this then we end up parenting reactively based on the absorbed values or core beliefs of our parents and society. Do you really want this? In my opinion what appears natural is learned and needs to be questioned and refined.

A great starting point for parents to open up helpful discussion about parenting styles is to answer two questions:

1. What characteristics would I like my children to have by the time they reach adulthood?

2. What characteristics are important for me to be the best parent I can be?

Independently record your responses then share. You will probably be surprised how similar your responses are.

Next, ask the important questions: Is the way I am currently parenting bringing out the characteristics I want for my child and for me as a parent? What would I like to change?

Parents often fear losing control of their children and often try to control with punishment and authoritarian means.Using controlling parenting methods often leads to children rebelling against parents sooner or later. Using controlling methods to change our spouse likewise leads to a defensive or rebellious response. Choose positive energy to be a role model and a consultant to your spouse rather than nagging them to change with negative energy.

In the Parent Effectiveness Training course (www.gordontraining.com), parents learn skills to effectively handle their different feelings with each other and their children.

Kathryn Tonges is a Beijing-based P.E.T. parenting expert and co-author of Slurping Soup and Other Confusions: true stories and activities to help third culture kids during transitions.

To find out more, e-mail her at kathryn.tonges@gmail.com.

Smacking and yelling? Give peace a chance.

Tue, 18 Oct 2011 02:54:03 +0000

I was shocked to hear from a parent that a recent email had been circulated condoning smacking young children.

My Danish friends tell me they would never hit their children. Hitting children has been banned there for decades and it is not the only country. However when I ask what many parents do instead, they tell me they often yell.

Without effective parenting strategies yelling easily becomes the alternative. Hitting and yelling are not strategies for a peaceful world. They do not build respect and children either respond with fear or rebellion.

Hitting and yelling are abusive and bullying. Yet it is with good intentions that many parents use these strategies to try to train their child’s positive behaviors.

If you worked in an environment where your boss bullied you to train you, I suspect your disrespect would eventually lead you not to stay. Like your children, you would either choose to fight (answer back, undermine, tell lies, manipulate, gossip, displace your upset by bossing others around, build up your defenses by acting tough like you don’t care) or flight (ignore, give up on yourself, feel incompetent, lose performance ability because of fear, or become a follower).

The more physical punishment and verbal abuse used in the household the more that children learn that force is the way to get what they want from others (siblings, friends, playground, and eventually work life, relationships, and their own children).

Parents I speak with do not feel good administering physical punishments but do not know alternatives. So what are the alternatives and what should you do?

Decide that a peaceful world starts with a peaceful you and peaceful family. Prioritize using peaceful, effective and assertive communication methods for the immediate and long -term benefits for your children. This does not mean being permissive.

Transfer the effective communication skills you use in the workplace to family life, like listening, assertive communication, and win-win skills. Emotional intelligence is as important if not more so than IQ.

Reexamine your expectations. Expecting perfection of your children and your parenting can lead to your feeling out of control if your measurements fall short. Apologize if you ‘lose it’ and start again.

Spend joyful time both one-on-one and as a family. Positive behavior and respectful communication happens in children and families when there is both quality and quantity time.

Listen to your children and acknowledge their feelings when they have problems or are upset. They will be more likely to listen to you when you have a problem with their behavior. Children build up defensive coping strategies like resistance, whining, manipulating when they don’t feel heard or respected. If you want them to change you have to change.

When you find your child’s behavior unacceptable be assertive like you would with a friend or colleague: say how you feel, explain the behavior that upsets you in a non-blameful way and the effect this has on you. This is called an I-message. No need to plead or be apologetic. State your needs with the energy of assertiveness.

Recently a parent got this confused and wrote to me to say, “My parents tell me that this active listening approach is all useless. My kids show no respect for me as they don’t listen to me. My dad was like, you need to show authority. So, I have started to smack both kids on the bottom and on the legs due to the pressure from my parents.”

Her father is right, providing he means authority that is assertive not aggressive. Effective teachers learn to manage classrooms of children by being assertive.

Use the energy of assertiveness – it is confident, secure, relaxed yet firm. Children feel secure around this energy. The energy of aggression is angry, out of control, forceful, uptight. Children learn to defend themselves.

Authority comes from mutual respect. If you are constantly finding fault and being critical no amount of listening will build respect. Give positive feedback for what you love about your child.

With little children show them what they can do. If you don’t want them jumping on the lounge, show them where they can jump. Little children are still learning about what is acceptable and unacceptable and you can acknowledge their need and guide them respectfully.

When there are conflicts think of them as useful ways to role model peaceful, effective win-win communication. Invest your time in studying and applying effective parenting strategies. It will pay off personally, in your family, your relationships and work place. The course I highly recommend is Dr. Thomas Gordon’s Parent Effectiveness Training. Dr. Gordon was nominated three times for a Nobel Peace Prize for his work throughout the world. Learn more here.

All I am saying, in the words of John Lennon, is “Give peace a chance.”

Kathryn Tonges is a Beijing-based PET parenting expert. To find out more, e-mail her at kathryn.tonges@gmail.com.

Kids Coping with Change

Your global nomad, expatriate or third-culture kid, whether moving from country to country or heading back home, is sure to be experiencing many typical issues coping with transition.

As parents you are usually so busy managing the family logistics of school choices, relocation and moving companies that it is easy to overlook or underplay your child’s challenges. This exhausting time can also mean that instead of the empathy you might usually feel for your child you get frustrated and angry with their presenting behaviors.

Hitting a sibling, answering back, wanting to sleep with you may be presenting problems that are your child’s way of getting a need met for feeling secure again. Just as you have a buildup of tensions from having to deal with many known and unknown factors associated with change your child might displace these tensions through behaviors that are unacceptable to you.

You can help your child cope by keeping it REAL.

· Recognizing that presenting behaviors are not necessarily about the real problem. Take a deep breath, share your concerns about their unacceptable behavior, and then listen.

· Enlist their help to problem solve and brainstorm strategies to best help each other out as a family or individually during rough times. This is a preventive strategy and is solution-focused by providing hope when life can feel out of control.

· Acknowledge with your child the tensions in the household because of all the changes. This helps to normalize what is happening.

· Listen to your child not only when they tell you directly there is a problem but also when they are showing non-verbal cues that they have a problem.

Listening means providing opportunities such as one to one time where you give your full attention. This is not about you offering advice at this point but really acknowledging your child’s feelings and the fact of what is troubling them. This is called ‘active listening’ and needs to happen repeatedly so children have the opportunity to vent, release their heavy cloud of emotion and then more easily access their thinking ability. After this you can encourage them to brainstorm strategies for dealing with their problem and include your ideas as well.

What if there appears to be no solutions from your child’s perspective and they are very resistant to change? Sometimes it seems no matter what you do or say seems to help. This is when a third person, someone a child can relate to who has gone through similar experiences can help.

It can be difficult and confusing for a child to identify and raise concerns with friends and that’s why six expat parents (including me) have written a book titled, “Slurping soup and other confusions: true stories and activities to help third culture kids during transition.” It is a collection of twenty-three real life stories from third culture kids with a related activity for each story.

The stories are a catalyst for crucial discussions that every expat family needs to have and explore: adapting to new environments; Who am I? Where do I belong?; home and family adjustment, cultural differences; friendship change.

Coping with change is not just about effective verbal communication however. Get outdoors, play sport, fly a kite, dance, sing, draw. Physical release and connection with nature is very therapeutic and helps dissolve physical tensions from emotional upsets.

Above all, build in some fun family time with hugs, laughter and sharing whether indoors or outdoors. This connecting time reassures your children that they have a safe haven wherever they may be in the world.

Visit the Slurping Soup website, www.slurpingsoup.com.

Brainy Choices: The Reactive Brain and the Responsive Brain

Thu, 28 Oct 2010 07:29:32 +0000

You can learn to make a brainy choice when you are upset and you can help your children to learn about how their brain works too!

Here’s one example of a not-so-brainy choice on my part. When my sons were around 13 and 11 years old, respectively, I recall them asking if I would make them a banana smoothie. They often made smoothies themselves but I was in the kitchen and obliged. To set the scene: I was tired after a busy week for work, household chores and racing them all over to soccer training. Anyway, I put the lid on the blender but didn’t secure it properly. The lid fell in the mix of milk, banana and honey. Kerchunck, kerchunck. Banana smoothie spewed and splashed everywhere, including all over me. Naturally, the boys laughed.

Oh yes, it’s hilarious to visualize now but at the time my not so brainy choice was an explosion of “Shut up!” The boys were shocked. The atmosphere was frigid. I proceeded to clean up, feeling rather ashamed of myself.

Many of you may say that you would never have exploded in that situation. However, think of a situation where you have exploded and reacted instantly, only to regret it. You’ve thought of one, haven’t you?

When I snapped at my boys, I had activated memories of fear of doing the wrong thing as a child, and not being good enough. I had activated the reactive part of my brain (the amygdale) which processes and stores memories of emotional events and is also involved in current emotional responses. It is particularly linked to our fears.

We need our reactive brain. It’s the primitive part of our brains that has led to the survival of humankind. Cavemen needed fast reactions – fight or flight. And we still need it in danger situations today. Yet it’s the fast trigger of activating this part of the brain that often blocks effective choices in parenting.

That evening after my explosion I realized I needed to override such fear based reactivity. In the future I wanted to access higher mental functions from the frontal lobe of my brain, rather than my lower, more primitive part of the brain. I began by thinking and writing about the primary feelings that came before my anger, like embarrassment. I thought about my underlying beliefs, including feelings of inadequacy if things don’t go perfectly.

Whenever I fell like blowing up, I’m now better able to change my thinking on-the-spot. When fears surface, I can choose to respond with effective communication skills rather than being reactive. Studies show that Buddhist monks changed their amygdala through meditation.

You can share this knowledge about the processes of the brain with your children. It helps them understand their own reactivity and that they are still developing the frontal lobe higher order functions. Even teens and early 20 year olds are still developing this part of their brain. I like to tell children that the reactive primitive part of the brain is like a snapping crocodile and crocodiles go to sleep when the temperature is cold. Reactivity can therefore signal cool down time. Ross Green describes the brains processes well in his book The Explosive Child.

By using effective, loving, and assertive communication skills you can help develop your child’s responsive brain, the frontal lobe, very naturally. They will develop problem solving, spontaneity, memory, language, judgment, impulse control, and social and emotional responsiveness. Reactive, coercive, punitive methods of parenting keep children stuck in fight or flight responses, developing defense mechanisms to protect their vulnerability.

By the way, I apologized to my boys and explained my reactivity and my preferred choice for responsiveness. In this case lighten up and laugh – it’s okay to make mistakes.

It takes mindfulness, willingness to change and practice. Have a week of brainy choices!

Kathryn Tonges is a Beijing-based PET parenting expert. To find out more, e-mail her at kathryn.tonges@gmail.com.

What About Me?: Moving from anger to kindness

Thu, 30 Sep 2010 04:45:42 +0000

OK, so my last blog was a stretch to imagine your child with such mature thinking! It did however get parents talking and thinking from a child’s perspective.

Last week a dad and I were discussing the contents of that blog. He said he agreed with what I wrote but exclaimed, “What about me? I go from neutral to anger in a flash when my child loses it. How can I change? It’s like I’ve still got my emotional trainer wheels when parenting.”

He’s not the only parent I’ve met in my 30 years of working with parents who has been challenged on this front.

So what trips your trigger? Usually reactivity comes from some underlying beliefs, your expectations about how you think children should behave and how you should behave as a parent. Your first thoughts might be I’m not going to let my child get away with this just to get what they want, or, they should show some self-control.
Peeling back the layers that led to these thoughts, you might believe that children should respect authority. You might also believe that, as a parent, you need to be in control of your child and if you are not in control you are a “bad” parent. You might also believe that the only way to get a child to change is to use any one of the following coercive options: threaten, bribe, punish, say “1, 2, 3,” ground them or give timeout. These beliefs arise out of fear and often limited information.
Ultimately, parents everywhere tell me they want their child to grow up to be responsible, respectful adults and they themselves want to be loving role models to their children.

So the disconnect happens when you don’t know how to effectively achieve this and you rely on outdated, unloving and fear-based methods that serve to alienate your child, place your child in the role of a culprit, and leave them fearful and even dependent on you. These methods may bring quick results but don’t bring lasting productive change, respectful relationships or intrinsically motivated children.
The combination of these thoughts and beliefs culminates in your feeling unhappy and then angry. Therefore, to change your intense reaction and feelings it makes sense to change your thoughts and beliefs.

When you decide to change your underlying beliefs about children and about your role as a parent you can free yourself to choose and use a more loving and helpful response rather than resort to an angry reaction. It is interesting how we accept the essential need to upgrade our skills in the workplace and invest time in study for our career yet cling to outdated methods of parenting that have been shown to cause harm.

One parent I recently helped decided to change her thinking from, “My child is such a pain. I’m always yelling at her” to “My child is learning to manage her emotions. I role model empathy and guide her assertively.” But that’s not all.

This same parent started to use the ABCC approach when she felt anger rising. She Acknowledged her anger and it began to subside, she Breathed deeply and reaffirmed her new beliefs about children and parenting. She asked herself and visualized what she most wanted – harm or helping. This pause gave her time to be Curious about the needs of her daughter and her own needs as a parent. Next she made a Choice to use effective assertive parenting skills. Sometimes she forgot and the anger surfaced before she took a pause. At those times she apologized and proceeded with ABCC. Following the link for more information.

What about you? What beliefs about your child and your parenting role might you change today? State them in a positive way and what you want to happen. Write them down, pin them up, and say them frequently to replace the old ones. You will now be speaking and living the loving truth of what you really want.

Until next time when I will explore reactivity and the brain,

Peaceful parenting!

Kathryn

Kathryn Tonges is a Beijing-based PET parenting expert. To find out more, e-mail her at kathryn.tonges@gmail.com.