When you are in an intercultural relationship, chances are the two of you will come from different countries. While this is incredibly exciting, it can also mean that the chances of you ending up in a long-distance relationship at some point in your lives are much higher. Especially where Chinese men are concerned, there is an expectation for them to return to their hometown and be dutiful sons by looking after their parents. However, it might not be an option for you to follow him into a third-tier city, where realistically the only way of making money is by being an English teacher. If you do decide that you want to be together – you just can’t at this point in your life – here are a few suggestions from my two years of being in a “slightly long distance relationship.”

1. 100 Percent Trust
The first and most important condition for any long-distance relationship is trust. When you and your partner are in different places, a lot of the time you do not know what the other person is doing, so you need to be able to believe that your partner is not messing about. If anything has ever happened in your relationship to make you suspicious of your partner, then do not even attempt an LDR (long-distance relationship), as you will go crazy with worry and jealousy and it will most certainly end badly.

2. Build Closeness Across the Distance
A big threat in LDRs is the physical distance turning into an emotional distance. When you and your partner are far away from each other and do not share your lives, it is very easy to grow apart and fall out of love. There are a few actions you both can take to work against this happening.
2.1 Regular Communication
The absolute key is regular communication. I used to speak with my husband every single day multiple times. Usually, we would video chat in the evening, and during the day we would send some messages via apps such as WeChat. Whenever anything exciting or bad happens, he is the first person I will message (or call if possible) and this way he stays involved in my life. Many LDRs I know started out fine and then slowly communication got less and less until it was only once a week. If this is happening to you, you need to ask yourself (and your partner) if the relationship is over, as you two seem to be drifting apart.
2.2 Do Things Together Apart
The best way to keep that emotional connection is by doing things together, even if you are not in the same place. Video chat is a godsend for this. For example, you can cook together using video chat, each person making their own meal. Or you can both agree to watch your favorite TV shows at the same time. This creates that normality of when you were living together.
Another great option is falling asleep together, or one of you falling asleep while the other stares at the other creepily. We have done this a few times, and I have to say it is magical, it creates a really strong bond. Watching my husband drift away peacefully into sleep like an innocent little baby is still one of the most gratifying experiences video chat has to offer.
Finally, you can create a new bond by learning something new together, something that you can share and ideally be connected online for. I have not done this before, but I think it is potentially a great idea.

3. When You Meet
Of course, it goes without saying that you should meet your partner in person as often as possible, within your financial possibilities. If you are in the same province you might be able to meet every two weeks, the same country maybe once a month. If you are on different continents, it obviously gets trickier. When you do meet, make sure to keep a few things in mind.
3.1 Prioritize Your Partner
Your partner has just come all the way to meet you, and the two of you only have a limited amount of time together. You have to prioritize spending time with your partner over anything else. After all, there is nothing more frustrating than taking a plane to see someone only to be told “Honey, I am hanging out with my friends tonight. See you later.” That might be the last time Honey comes to see you, my friend. Don’t waste people’s time like that.
3.2 Be Realistic
When you are unable to spend a lot of time together, you often expect the little time you have to be super exciting and magical,,, like a Disney movie, all fireworks and happily ever after. In reality, that is rarely the case. You are just human and very likely you will disagree on something. Going into these meetings with unrealistic expectations can set the bar too high and cause disappointment and unnecessary conflict.
3.3 Build Rituals
Actually, rather than planning an amazingly exciting meet-up, you should be focusing on building rituals. For example, you always go to have lunch at that same restaurant the first day after you arrive in your partner’s town. This creates a routine and a feeling that you are still a “regular couple,” and gives you a sense of security and familiarity.

4. Appreciate the Advantages
I personally believe that the attitude with which you go into the LDR makes a huge difference. If all you are thinking is about how your partner is so far away and how lonely you are and how little you see each other, you will make yourself unhappy. Instead, enjoy the free time and space that you have now gained. Take up new hobbies, rediscover yourself as an individual. Meet new people and expand your network. By leading an independent life and becoming a more interesting person, you will become even more attractive to your partner as well. After all, would you rather date the exciting person who paints or runs marathons in their free time and keeps telling you funny stories about their friends, or the mopey, sad, depressed person who sits at home just waiting for your call to tell you how unhappy they are?

5. Make Plans for the Future
Finally, while I do believe LDRs can work with the right mindset, they should ideally be only a temporary solution rather than a long-term situation. In order to give both of you the mental strength to pull this off, you need to have an endgame. While there are people for whom LDRs simply aren’t an option, I’d not give up that good job or that great place just yet. Give it a try, and you might surprise yourself!

photo: thestartupguide.co

“I can’t believe how manipulative you are! You tried to fool me, but I know exactly what your plan was!”

“What just happened? Why are you making up stories again? You always accuse me of having secret plans and hiding my true intention from you, why do you keep making up stories?!”

This was probably the gist of one of the recent fights between me and my husband. Not only that, it is actually the way many of our fights have gone in the past. He accuses me of having had a certain thought process, I never had, and I just stand there completely clueless and enraged that I’m being wrongfully made out to be some horrible, scheming witch. When what’s really happened, even after five years of being a couple, is we still fall prey to the occasional cultural misunderstanding.

This time it all started with a pair of shoes.

Here are the facts – as far as you can call them that. He was starting to pack to take some items back to his hometown. We are not sure when he will be back next. A friend of ours is coming to stay with us for a while and so she will need space in the wardrobe of our second bedroom, a.k.a. my wardrobe. So, I was keen for him to take as many clothes as possible from his wardrobe, so I could in turn make space for her. He had other plans in mind and quickly started dumping a large number of books he wouldn’t need in his suitcase. He did take one or two items of clothing after my repeated nagging, but the wardrobe space was still completely full with items he hadn’t worn or used in months. This made me a little irritated.

A few hours later I am sitting on the sofa and see him picking up a pair of shoes out of the corner of my eye, and the big suitcase standing right next to him. I have already forgotten the suitcase is full and, after I realize that the shoe cabinet is also packed and our friend will have nowhere to put her shoes, I say in a spur of the moment: “Oh, yes take some of the shoes.”

He replies: “No, there’s no need.”

To which I let out a cranky “hrmpf” and screw up my face, after my suggestion has been shot down yet again, worried about where our friend will leave her shoes. After all, he won’t be here most of the time anyway.

Suddenly my husband explodes, which brings us to the beginning of the story; his outrage at my alleged grand plan of manipulation and my outrage at being, in my opinion, falsely accused.

Decoding the Message

So, what actually happened? Well, a lot of shouting and half an hour of discussion later it emerged that once again, we both had made the mistake of forgetting who our partner is. He took my suggestion to take shoes to mean that I wanted to express my love and care for him, in the way Chinese people often do, e.g. by saying things such as “Wear more clothes”, “Eat more”, “Drink more hot water”. When he noticed that my actual intention was for him to make room for our friend, his emotional state went quickly from feeling touched to feeling disappointed (and probably a little unloved). However, to make matters worse, he was sure that I was aware that the way I phrased the sentence seemed like I was expressing care, and that I purposefully failed to mention the reason for the statement being the friend’s impending visit. He thought I wrapped up my real intention – make room for friend – in a fake expression of care and concern for him. He then felt utterly betrayed when he realized that this was not the case, made worse by my grumpy reaction, which he took to mean frustration that my cunning plan had failed.

High Context Meets Low Context

On this occasion, I finally managed to get through to him that I would never consider telling someone to “take shoes” as an expression of love. However, in many of our previous altercations, both of us have struggled to get to the bottom of these arguments brought on by the fact that he is from a high context culture, whereas I am from a low context culture. That means I say what I mean, A means A, B means B, without too much deeper thought. Whereas my husband grew up in an environment where being direct is considered inappropriate and one’s true feelings, motives and desires are almost never expressed directly. So rather than asking someone straight on if they can do something for you, you might do something for them first. To show your love and concern, actions speak louder than words, and words of affection are masked in some cases as simple requests such as “Don’t get sick”, which in some cases people with Western backgrounds might find patronizing or just strange.

Communication is the Key

As a result, my husband will look for the “true meaning” behind my words, reading behind the lines at a pro level so to speak. The problem is that there really aren’t any lines to be read in most cases and so he ends up interpreting my actions in what to me seems like the most fantastical ways.

The only way to solve this is communication. In a cross-cultural relationship, more than ever, the key is talking and explaining your thought processes and feelings. This is really where the challenge begins. Both of you are coming from a place where you are certain that your partner sees the world the exact same way as you, and you will have to open your mind to the idea that your assumptions of how the world works aren’t necessarily your partners. You will have to have that conversation about whether “take your shoes” means just that, or instead a host of other things, again and again. If you do, you might just end up with a breakthrough, even after five, ten, or 20 years.

Featured photo by Harry Dietz via Freeimages.com. Other photo by Niels Boegh via Freeimages.com

Marrying a person from a different nationality comes with many advantages – you get to discover their country as a local, face some unexpected challenges that hopefully make you grow as a person, and taste so much good food.

However, coming from two different cultures can also have an effect of the power dynamic in a relationship, especially if the two are you are not living in a third-culture country. When you and your partner live in a country where neither of you understand the law of the land, it becomes about figuring life out together. However, when you live in your partner’s country, it is very easy to become dependent on them to various extents.

I always liked to think of myself as a very independent person and asking my husband for help too often makes me feel bad. However, I have recently discovered an unpleasant truth about myself: without noticing, I have become incredibly dependent on my Chinese husband when dealing with life in China.

How on earth did this happen? It is of course understandable that a foreign partner who doesn’t speak the local language would need a lot of help in daily life from their local spouse. That being said, for me personally there is no reason whatsoever to be as dependent as I am on him when it comes to things like paying bills, ordering takeout and deliveries, or calling in to make a reservation. The problem is not language; I speak Chinese well enough to be able to do all of these things, so why is it that he takes on a disproportionate amount of the little daily tasks that involve Chinese?

A Question of Local Knowledge or Security?

One part of it, I like to convince myself, is the fact that he is the king of finding deals; so when it comes to ordering food or groceries, he’ll always have snagged some voucher or other from the depths of the internet. Consequently, if I order or buy anything online and end up paying more, he will actually complain about the 5 kuai I just wasted.

Yet, then again there are the many other small tasks that don’t involve saving money that I seem quite eager to delegate to him without much thought. It’s almost like there’s an assumption in the relationship that because an interaction happens in his language, it’s simply easier for him to take care of these responsibilities, even though I could manage fine on my own.

Is it laziness or is it insecurity? I do admit to sometimes worrying about whether I will understand what the person on the phone is on about. Often if someone calls me and I don’t get their meaning right away, I will just chuck my phone at my husband like a hot potato rather than stick it out and try to figure it out on my own. In these circumstances it is simply the fact that there is an easier option – him. When I need to take care of bills or official documentation, there is always an underlying worry that I will tick the wrong box or misunderstand some vital information and therefore mess it all up. So I reckon it’s a laziness born out of insecurity. Why even risk it, when having your local husband take care of it is just so much easier.

Power Dynamics

I cannot help but wonder what my dependence on him does to our relationship dynamic. I have to admit that he has never complained about the fact that I rely on him in many things, and even if he is away he will eagerly order groceries from his special savings site for me. It sometimes feels like he almost enjoys being needed this way. After all, helpless female is something that is generally considered “cute” and “attractive” in China. But still, I cannot help but imagine that if it were the other way around I might get a bit tired of constantly having to nanny my partner, when they really are capable of doing something on their own.

Finally, my reliance also means that as soon as the husband isn’t around, I once again go through a process of having to get used to doing everything on my own, while at the same time realizing how much I have come to rely on him for the little chores. For someone who enjoys feeling independent, this is not a very pleasant revelation. But rather than being depressed about my battered ego, I tend to think that my husband’s absences are now proving a good exercise. Having to deal with all these small nuisances reminds me that I can actually do many things in China on my own. I might not save those 5 kuai in the end, but I definitely won’t starve either.

Photo: Tina Franklin (Flickr)

In China they say marrying a person means marrying their family. This could not be more accurate especially in relation to one’s Chinese mother-in-law (MIL). Often a presence larger than life, it is fair to say that in China she is the one who can make or break your relationship. While in the West generally speaking her personality would hardly be a reason to end a promising attachment, in China this is not unheard of. For this reason, if you are looking for a serious relationship with a Chinese, even more so when it’s a Chinese man, there are a few points to consider in relation to his mother. Here is the checklist for your future Chinese Mother-in-Law.

An Open Mind
By the mere fact that you are a foreigner looking to date a Chinese, your MIL has to have an open mind. There are two types of reactions I have commonly encountered when son or daughter brings home a foreigner: we aren’t marriage material because we are all promiscuous cheaters or the baijiu bottles are being decanted because of the future mixed babies. However, even when there is acceptance on the surface, it can still be difficult in the long run. While many MILs might enjoy the idea of having a foreign in-law for face reasons or all those little mixed superhumans our genes will produce, they might not be as readily accepting of the consequences that you will do or see things differently than a Chinese person. The key to it all so the question whether MIL is willing to respect and accommodate that you might not want to buy a house for her daughter, or not pop out an army of little superbabies with her son right after the wedding.

While I have given up on trying to brainwash my MIL to abandon patriarchal ideas of child rearing, a wife’s duties or a woman’s appropriate behavior (in any age category) she will at least do me the courtesy of granting me my own views. If you learn that your potential future MIL has more of an approach of Chinese way or the highway, then – unless she lives on a different continent – you might want to think really hard about whether you want that struggle and negativity in your life.

Location, Location, Location
I’ve found that in many relationships that struggle in China – be it between locals or with an international partner involved – there is one clear factor that can cause serious marital issues: the proximities of one’s in-laws. The rule of thumb tends to be the closer the in-laws the bigger the problems. It is not uncommon for in-laws to live with their offspring – often to take on child caring duties – and certainly there are those who can handle it. I tip my hat to them. Yet, I personally would recommend if at all possible to try and find a solution other than cohabitation. The way in which Chinese express their care is by expressing concern and criticism for every last little corner of your life – or as Western minds might perceive it by nagging the socks off you and being overbearing. Now I can happily accept this for a limited amount of time – but the idea of constantly being told that my clothes aren’t weather appropriate or my drinking cold water is slowly killing me and other opinions peppered with cultural assumptions that I might not share is not tempting to put it lightly.

While I am lucky in so far that my MIL is fairly lightweight in the nagging category, it can and often does create a very negative environment if you have a hypercritical MIL. Especially when there is a different idea of what constitutes personal space and being a good wife. So do yourself a favor – if they insist on moving in with you for anything other than a temporary necessity, you might want to move out.

Mental Independence
I’ve found the relationship between traditional Chinese parents and their offspring fascinating: there is a form of codependency where while the child is young he/she depends utterly on the parents. But as everyone grows older the parents very willingly become quite dependent on their child for help — while still maintaining the authority that age affords them in Chinese society. So a parent might happily tell you they cannot do that simple thing they’re asking your assistance within the same breath as telling you you’re of course doing it all wrong.

In this ever-changing world it is entirely normal that as you age, you are less and less in step with the latest gadgets and regulations and therefore you will need assistance from your child in some matters. However there seems to be a tendency where Western minds might be tempted to try and deal with an issue ourselves or call the handy man. But in China it’s common to call up the son and tell him to fix your router, fill out your tax return, or book that holiday for you. So when you’re browsing for potential MILs it might be helpful to gauge how mentally independent she is. The degree to which she will depend on your spouse or you will vary on a case to case basis; but if she is calling you ten times a day for help with switching on the TV box you might want to hit the pause button.

Financial Independence
It is quite common in Chinese culture for children to pay a part of their salary to the parents as a way of filial piety. It is also in many cases the parent’s retirement plan. In a country where pensions exist but are merely a pittance, it is law of the land for elderly to look to their children to pay for their upkeep. That’s where the traditional saying “having sons in preparation for old age” (养儿防老 yǎng er fánglǎo) comes from. In some cases however, the expectations of what “upkeep” entails and how much of your money should go to the parents can become quite extreme. Especially in cases of divorce, there are those traditionally bred mothers who might entirely rely both financially and emotionally on their child and spouse to provide for them.

On the other hand as more and more Chinese are moving upward into the middle class, this practice is not as common as it used to be; as the parents are financially more secure, the need for their children to pay for them decreases. If you don’t fancy spending all your hard-earned cash on MIL’s latest trip to Europe or another pair of shiny diamond earrings, you might want to get an idea of how high her financial expectations are towards you and your spouse, before jumping into a lifelong and potentially financially draining commitment.

Taking Sides
One thing that amazed me about my MIL was that in the beginning of our relationship when my husband acted out of turn, she would defend me and tell him to get a grip. While this has slightly tapered off over time, in general she hasn’t been afraid to tell him when he’s wrong — and to me this is crucial. To many mothers in China, her son is her sparkling prince who can do no wrong — and this can go so far as for transgressions to be excused because “the wife must have done something to make him cheat.” While of course she can’t take your side on every issue, I think it is a good indicator whether she is willing to see your side of things. Chinese mothers have a lot of power over their offspring and you don’t want her constantly enabling your spouses bad behaviors.

Control
Probably the biggest factor in making MIL a potential deal breaker is the need to control their offsprings’ life and by extension yours. Whether that’s telling you what career to chose, where to live, when to get married, when and how many babies to have and how to raise them… the traditional Chinese MIL puts all her opinions on you and expects you to listen. Independence? Your own life? Your decision? Forget it! MIL has spent the last 2.5 decades investing her whole being into her little prince or princess and she expects a return on that. Especially since she doesn’t really have much else in her life to keep herself occupied. If this is the experience you have made – run as far as the wind can carry you. And if you decide that you love your partner enough to put up with the potential of being micromanaged for the rest of your days, again, you probably want to consider moving to another continent.

Admiration
Finally, this is a rather personal one, but a major reason why I get on with my MIL is because I admire her. She built a successful business on her own in the 90s as a divorced woman in a comparatively small town. She’s tough as nails, independent and fits hardly any of the stereotypical MIL behavior that we foreigners tend to worry about. I respect her, while my personal convictions would have made it difficult to think highly of a person who exhibited all the behaviors I mentioned above. Now your worldview is certainly different from mine, and maybe you can deal with many of the characteristics of a traditional Chinese MIL as mentioned above – if so, I think that’s great! Let me know how you do it! In any event, make sure that your MIL is worth the time and possibly money you invest in your relationship!

As I leave you to ponder this hopefully useful MIL checklist, it’s time for me to devote my attention to planning where my future son is going to go to university and how many mixed babies his future wife will have to pop out until I’m satisfied. Until next time!

You’ve signed your little red booklet, you’ve had a lavish ceremony and now you’re going to live happily ever after, right? For a growing number of Chinese, that’s not necessarily the case.

China is facing a marriage crisis. 3.84 million Chinese divorced in 2015, a 5.6% increase year-on-year. Beijing witnessed a 65% increase in divorce between 2011 and 2013 alone. Figures abound attesting to the trend that chances of Chinese marriage lasting are slimmer than ever.

What’s driving this latest development? Is it women’s new found economic and emotional independence, divorce becoming more acceptable, or a selfish one-child generation unable to compromise in marriage? Or is it rather a tendency of Chinese people to marry much too soon in our Western opinion (often within the first six months of dating)? I believe all of these factors contribute to a reality in which the crude divorce rate in China more than tripled between 2002 and 2015 to 2.8.

But from looking at my Chinese friends and family, as well as my own relationship, I have come to the conclusion that there is another major factor in this whole story: it’s the unrealistic expectations placed on newlyweds to act in a way appropriate to their newly-acquired status.

Partly due to my own cultural background but probably also due to a hearty sense of realism instilled by my parents, I don’t believe that marriage changes anything about my relationship. In fact, I didn’t necessarily feel the need to get married for romantic reasons at all. I was as sure of my relationship with or without tying the knot. Which meant I had no illusions about me or my partner when the big day came. I never thought that the little red booklet would suddenly mean we would both turn into perfect people and leave all our imperfections and idiosyncrasies at the door once he metaphorically carried me over the threshold of our non-existent home.

But in China, things are different. I’ve seen many an example of relationships that have been placed under increasing strain, and some that even ended in entirely avoidable divorce, because a partner or the in-laws somehow expected the spouse to turn into a model version of themselves over night.

Men’s Job is to Provide, and Provide Well
On the men’s side this is unsurprisingly all related to career and success. Let’s take the example of my friend Wang Han (name changed). He got married to his partner of almost 10 years. That’s actually very atypical and I would have thought it a good sign that theirs would be a marriage that, if not successful, would at least last. They divorced within two years.

Wang Han had never been a very successful guy. In fact, he gave up the opportunity to receive further education and remained in the third-tier city of his birth so he could maintain the relationship with his future ex-wife. He started a number of different businesses. None of them went anywhere, although in fairness not for lack of trying.

Then they got married. And within months of tying the knot all of a sudden his in-laws and wife started to complain about the fact that he was not bringing home the bacon. The complaints grew into veritable insults. They looked down upon him for not suddenly and miraculously making a million yuan. When he lost his job, he didn’t tell them, instead going out every single day and pretending to go to work. Every day upon returning home, they would shout abuse at him for his perceived failure to provide (not even realizing that he wasn’t in fact employed at the time). In the end he just couldn’t take the constant insults anymore and filed for divorce.

Wang Han’s is not an exceptional story. I know of other men who face exactly the same problem; in-laws who are not content with these young men’s earnings and even try and convince their daughters to divorce. The onus lies on the women and their strength of character. Will they be brain-washed by their parents, or stand by their man?

Goodnight Clubs
Then there’s Li Xiaoxue (name changed). She’s a very bubbly young girl, in her early twenties. She just got married this past year to her boyfriend whom she met while partying at a club. However, even before they had their wedding party the relationship was in crisis, so much so that there were rumours the whole thing would be called off. Why? Because she thought that now they were getting married, her future husband shouldn’t be allowed anymore to go out to clubs and party. Keep in mind that this is where they met and where they had spent most of their free time while dating. She was expecting him to suddenly become an entirely different person.

Granted, in her case it had to do with being very young and inexperienced – in the way we try to control our boyfriends in high school – but this behavior isn’t uncommon, as many Chinese do not have extensive dating experience before marriage and can’t get these unhealthy habits out of their system. More importantly, when she chastises him in front of her elder family members none of them step in and tells her to grow up.

“You’re married now so act like it” is the mantra that you hear left and right, reminding once again of the fact that China is in many aspects similar to Europe of the 1950s. But what most people in China seem to not have realized, is the minute you try and force someone to change according to your standard, you’re destroying the relationship as they will end up feeling trapped and resentful.

You Marry Me, You Marry My Flaws
For me this has also been a minor issue, though not on the worrying scale of my local peers. I have been going through a phase of increasing forgetfulness and clumsiness over the past year, and once or twice my husband has tried to throw the argument at me that a married woman should have it more together. There has also been a growing sense of displeasure when I have been going out for drinks and parties with my friends.

A discussion with my mother-in-law in which I expressed my frustration at the latter actually turned out to be no help at all, since she then began asking what time of night I return home on these occasions. While she did me the favor of not outright criticizing my behavior, I could feel that on some level she tended to agree. It doesn’t behoove a married woman to run around bars drinking alcohol and talking to anyone other than my husband after all.

In the end a swift discussion with my husband has definitely improved the situation. At the end of the day, no matter how much people try to place post-marriage expectations on me, by the simple fact that I’m a foreigner, I have a “get out of jail free card.” And boy, am I going to make use of that.

Laura Nutchey-Feng first came to China to study and become a translator, though eventually found herself working as a journalist and news reporter. She holds a German passport, her mother is from the UK, and she is married to a Chinese man. Through beijingkids she’ll be exploring multi-cultural marriages and the observations she has since she is so intertwined with Chinese culture.

Editor’s Note: Laura Nutchey-Feng first came to China to study and become a translator, though eventually found herself working as a journalist and news reporter. She holds a German passport, her mother is from the UK, and she is married to a Chinese man. Through beijingkids she’ll be exploring multi-cultural marriages and the observations she has since she is so intertwined with Chinese culture.

Thinking of my husband, one word comes to mind: risk-averse. Imagine my surprise when I discovered a very different side to him as we discussed Chinese New Year (CNY)!

What’s your favorite thing about CNY?

I used to love CNY because we could set off firecrackers. They were a type of sanctioned rebellion. This was the only time we were allowed to do something potentially dangerous. In China we have to do a lot of things our parents tell us, but for Chinese New Year, they let us do what we want with the firecrackers.

Now I’ve grown up I tend to like Spring Festival because it means family reunion and also I can be quite chilled finally. Because usually I’m quite tense, that’s why I feel being chilled at Spring Festival is a good thing.

No more crackers?

No, let me tell you a story about crackers. My family used to buy me firecrackers every year, and they’d put them into a box. One time, we had a lot of firecrackers in the box. We took the first one and lit it up. But there was a stray spark that went right into the box. So we turned around and starting running. Behind us it was just like a Hollywood movie scene, just BOOM! *laughs* So afterwards, I decided no more crackers anymore.

Another time, I almost blinded myself. I saw a cracker on the ground, took it and put it on a stone. Then I found a piece of glass and I put it on the cracker and lit it up. I thought I had time to run away but I didn’t. It exploded and my ears couldn’t feel a thing. I looked at my winter coat. It was full of white dots; it was the marks left by the glass shards. I was so scared but also felt super lucky because it could have hit my eyes and I could have gone blind. I was so stupid. Don’t do that. At 12 o’clock, don’t go outside, just stay where you are, there’s just too many crackers. Don’t get your head blown off.

So, we’ve had this on-going topic about whether to travel for Spring Festival. Why do you prefer going back to Hohhot rather than traveling for a week?

Because Chinese New Year means you have to go back to where you come from. Hohhot, that’s where I come from. That’s called luoye guigen落叶归根 (returning to your roots). Traveling makes me feel unsafe somehow, because it’s in another place. Going back home is safe, and spending Spring Festival means you have to have this sense of safety.

What did CNY used to be like when you were young?

We used to spend New Year, just me and my mum (His parents are divorced). Because the last day of the old year you have to spend at home, and then on the first day of the New Year you go to see your grandparents. Of course I didn’t like that. You could see on the TV always that it’s a complete family, they love each other, they have Coca Cola. Whereas for us it was just me and my mum, of course it’s not a good feeling.

Have your feelings toward CNY changed over the years? Especially compared to when you lived in England?

It’s so different in the UK. I really missed home, especially that time of the year. I would normally call up friends and cook for them. We’d skip class.

One year, I saw an ad sponsored by Tencent, broadcast right before the TV Gala. It showed an overseas student talking to his family from a foreign country. He couldn’t go back. That ad really hit me because I thought there wasn’t anyone there who cared about me. I figured an overseas student wasn’t a focus of the festivities but the ad made me feel there is someone there who cares. I think that ad was voted one of the best ads ever; it definitely got people talking a lot on WeChat.

I think that the size of the Chinese New Year’s family reunion is shrinking in general. It used to be really big because the elder generation would kind of enforce it. The younger generation doesn’t tend to follow the traditional rules anymore. In theory, once the elder generation passes away, the eldest son or daughter would take the lead. But now few follow old traditions anymore and it will become more about your immediate family rather than big family gatherings.