Choosing the right school is a daunting process. All parents are in search of the best place for their children. This is evident in the number of parents who attend the annual beijingkids School Fair each Spring or any other fair around the World for that matter.

I remember moving to a new country with our four year old and being told that we were much too late to enrol her and indeed, all the schools we were interested in were already full. After much looking around and multiple phone calls, we did eventually find one that had a vacancy. We registered, paid our deposit, bought the uniform and our daughter had a very successful first day at school. Everything had gone according to plan until we received a message later on that same day by our first choice school. A spot had unexpectedly become available… Would we want it, and if yes, could we decide by…tomorrow!!!

This sudden much hoped for opening prompted an anxious dilemma. Having put our daughter through a smooth textbook acclimatisation to start her school experience, would we traumatize her by transferring her to another school after just one successful day in her first ever school? Like all first time parents we wanted to do the right thing. After much deliberation we decided to move her, which in the long term proved to be an excellent decision. And should you want to know… she doesn’t remember a thing about our huge dilemma…!

When it was time to find a kindergarten for our two year old, the nice neighborhood kindergarten I had carefully selected told me that they had no morning places available. They offered us an  afternoon spot instead, which could have been acceptable once we had sorted out her nap time. I had planned to acclimatise her slowly, starting with two afternoons and building up to five during the year. Starting school full time at two and a half years old was not an option for me and when the kindergarten insisted she attend every day from the beginning, we registered her somewhere else.

A school fair is a good place to find out about choices. You get a taste of many different types of schools, such as local, private and international, day and boarding, monolingual and bi-lingual and you can talk to other parents about their own children’s schooling experience.

Talking to Admissions officers at a Fair, browsing through websites and glossy brochures can give you some flavor of a school but visiting it provides you with a true personal impression. Some schools make you feel happy, some leave you uninspired. If you are uncomfortable or intimidated by the Head of school or the teachers, it is likely your child will be too. Follow your instinct (it works) and choose a place where you yourself would be happy going to everyday and where you see engaged, motivated children and enthusiastic and approachable teachers.

In my opinion, finding a school that values dialogue between family and school is essential. Find out if the school welcomes parents on campus (within reason), if they will listen to your (respectful) concerns and will contact you if your child struggles academically or emotionally. This is particularly important when we send our children to a school with a foreign curriculum or in a foreign language and even more so to a boarding school.

A good school should be a community where teachers and parents cooperate alongside each other with the common goal of raising happy, balanced and successful children.

It has been a privilege to be able to send our children to some wonderful schools. But like in every organization, it is the people in it who make it what it is. If you can’t choose your school, look for the dedicated people where you are and work with them. I believe very strongly that ‘It takes a Village to raise a Child’ as goes the old saying and I encourage you to be involved with your child’s school (yes, paying the school fees isn’t enough!). Offer to read, to talk about your cultural traditions, to teach a game, to bake, to go on school trips. Opportunities abound to get to know your children’s friends and teachers. After all our children spend many hours at school and we are better able to help them through a challenge (be it academic or emotional) if we are familiar with their community.

This post first appeared on Lyliane Stewart’s site parentingeastwest.com on February 18, 2015.

Lyliane Stewart is a teacher, a positive discipline parent educator and a mother of two young adults. Originally from Switzerland, she lives with her husband in Beijing where she has been very active with the school community over the years.  Her personal experience of living internationally in a cross-cultural family has given her a good understanding of the various challenges encountered by multi-cultural, multi-lingual expatriate families. Passionate about psychology and education, she founded Parenting East West to offer support to families around the world. Lyliane believes that by gaining a better understanding of ourselves, and of human relationships in general, we become better equipped for parenting.  She offers weekly interactive parenting classes through which she introduces positive parenting tools and strategies.

The Mums2B group she started meets in Sanlitun weekly and welcomes new expectant parents.To get in touch, send a message to: parentingeastwest@gmail.com

Photo: flickingerbrad (Flickr)

Food and flags seem a good combination for an afternoon of fun and connection with your children. If you cannot find your country’s flag below, make it up!

NATIONAL FLAGS MADE FROM EACH COUNTRY’S TRADITIONAL FOODS
As part of a promotion for the Sydney International Food Festival, the advertising agency WHYBIN\TBWA designed 18 national flags using foods each country is commonly associated with and that would also match the colors of the flag.

Above: India
curry chicken, rice, cheera thoran and papadum wafer

Brazil
banana leaf, limes, pineapple and passion fruit

China
dragon fruit and star fruit

United States
hot dogs, ketchup and mustard

Greece
olives and feta cheese

Japan
tuna and rice

Lebanon
tomatoes, pita bread and parsley

Vietnam
rambutan, lychee and starfruit

Australia
meat pie and sauce

South Korea
kimbap and sauces

France
blue cheese, brie cheese and grapes

United Kingdom
scone, cream and jams

Turkey
Turkish Delight

Spain
chorizo and rice

Indonesia
spicy curries and rice

Thailand
sweet chilli sauce, shredded coconut and blue swimmer crab

Switzerland
charcuteries and swiss cheese

Credits
Client: Sydney International Food Festival
Advertising Agency: WHYBIN\TBWA, Sydney, Australia
Executive Creative Director: Garry Horner
Creative Director: Matt Kemsley
Art Director: Miles Jeffreys
Copywriter: Tammy Keegan
Photographer: Natalie Boog
Retoucher: Nick Mueller
Food Stylist: Trish Heagerty

This post first appeared on Lyliane Stewart’s site parentingeastwest.com on February 24, 2014.

Lyliane Stewart is a teacher, a positive discipline parent educator and a mother of two young adults. Originally from Switzerland, she lives with her husband in Beijing where she has been very active with the school community over the years.  Her personal experience of living internationally in a cross-cultural family has given her a good understanding of the various challenges encountered by multi-cultural, multi-lingual expatriate families. Passionate about psychology and education, she founded Parenting East West to offer support to families around the world. Lyliane believes that by gaining a better understanding of ourselves, and of human relationships in general, we become better equipped for parenting.  She offers weekly interactive parenting classes through which she introduces positive parenting tools and strategies.

The Mums2B group she started meets in Sanlitun weekly and welcomes new expectant parents.To get in touch, send a message to: parentingeastwest@gmail.com

First  Term of Senior Year:
At this time of year students are already under much pressure, particularly if they have to combine college applications deadlines on top of all the IB homework. There are tears, sleepless nights, angry outbursts, discouragement, exhaustion, mood swings, and soooo much more to do.  It is sometimes difficult for parents to find the right balance between being supportive and nagging and we often feel a little confused in our desire to help.

Parents who have been through this process before would make the following suggestions:

Provide a calm, loving environment, free of too many demands (yes, it is ok to drop the battle of the chores).  Offer favourite meals, deliver snacks and refreshments during the long hours of study, show interest in their well being but refrain from asking too many questions, trust that they are learning to manage their time but do keep an eye on the deadlines.  This is our last chance to spoil them before they move out of the family home….

If it helps your peace of mind, obtain a timeline of assignments and due dates from the school and put it up on the fridge for everyone to see (and be reminded).

“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
PJ O’Rourke

Second Term of Senior Year:

The process of separation has already started in many households.  We are already missing our children even though they are still at home.  We imagine life without them and it hurts.

For some of us it is the first or the second, for some of us it is the last child leaving home and they will leave a large hole in our life.  Stock up on hugs and kisses, cherish a few “one on one” moments, encourage working parents to spend time with their child, talk about their going away and how it will affect each member of the family differently.

Fast approaching exams, college applications and unending deadlines bring stress, tensions and exhaustion and sometimes, the well intentioned delivery of a cup of tea or phrase of encouragement can be met by an ungrateful grunt or a snappier than usual reply.  My advice would be to keep bringing supportive cups of tea… take a deep breath… and not say anything that we might regret saying later.   Now is a good time to show our unconditional love!

On a practical side, parents should probably start planning the visa applications, money, credit card and health insurance, anticipate medical check ups (any required vaccinations by the college?), dentist visits (any wisdom teeth causing trouble?), and if the chosen university is far away from home, figure out how to move their belongings from home to university…

Useful Planning Guide from College Board

This is an important year of transition which can seem overwhelming at times – note how difficult it has been to choose a university to which they might be interested in applying.  The future can be scary, filled with unknown, of which the only given “fait accompli” is that they will be leaving their nest.  For us parents, it is the end of an era, the family that we have created is changing for ever.  It is somewhat disheartening that this last year together is often filled with unavoidable painful arguments and difficult choices. I like to see these conflicts positively as life’s little “coup de pouce”, an encouragement for us to let our student walk out the door and for them to want to leave.

In the end, if we manage this year well they are more likely to come home for their next holiday.  However, let’s not be fooled, what they really want, most of all, is to get back with their friends…  Never mind, let’s enjoy having them back and take a back seat, from now on, happily…

This post first appeared on Lyliane Stewart’s site parentingeastwest.com on November 18, 2012.

Lyliane Stewart is a teacher, a positive discipline parent educator and a mother of two young adults. Originally from Switzerland, she lives with her husband in Beijing where she has been very active with the school community over the years.  Her personal experience of living internationally in a cross-cultural family has given her a good understanding of the various challenges encountered by multi-cultural, multi-lingual expatriate families. Passionate about psychology and education, she founded Parenting East West to offer support to families around the world. Lyliane believes that by gaining a better understanding of ourselves, and of human relationships in general, we become better equipped for parenting.  She offers weekly interactive parenting classes through which she introduces positive parenting tools and strategies.

The Mums2B group she started meets in Sanlitun weekly and welcomes new expectant parents.To get in touch, send a message to: parentingeastwest@gmail.com

Photo: Dimattia Photography (flickr)

Everyone was laughing and having fun, the children had been playing beautifully for hours, you had agreed to play ‘hide and seek’ a gazillion times and you were enjoying the shared moment of happiness en famille. But then…you said IT… You said the dreaded phrase that can send the best mood tumbling down and the happiest child into total meltdown with tears and screams.

You said:

“It’s time to go inside now!”

“No!   No!   Noooo…….!”

“Oh yes it is! ”

The fact is:  it IS time to go inside and the child WILL have to go inside no matter what.

But things are not looking smooth as your child has now dropped to the floor in floods of tears…So you feel terrible, because up until now everything was going really well and you didn’t expect this reaction. You may even feel a little annoyed for not being the super cool ‘in control’ parent you were a minute ago. You might even loose your temper a little and raise your voice to hustle everyone along a little briskly. “Come on now, let’s go!” As if that was going to help.

And to make matters worse, the neighbour’s child is complying and walking home without a complaint. I remember feeling a little embarrassed and envious myself watching the other children saying goodbye nicely and going home without being told twice…pondering more than once how their parents had achieved that and what I was doing wrong…

No one really likes to end something that is fun (when was the last time you jumped happily away from a great book when someone called you?). Children like it even less, especially since they have little control over their time table and may resist from time to time with a defiant attitude or tears. To keep the Positive into Parenting and make you want to play with your children again and again, here are a few tried and tested suggestions to ease children into smooth transitioning:

– Give time warnings: 10 minutes and then 5 minutes warning will help children get their mind around the coming change of activity.

– Put the child in charge of keeping an eye on the clock. Children will comply more easily if they have some control over the situation and love to be trusted with small responsibilities. If the child is not old enough to have a watch, you could show them that: “When the tall hand is pointing at the number 12 at the top, it will be time to go inside”.

– Say it is time and mean it! Children get confused if our actions don’t match our words. They learn quickly that words are just words and they learn to ignore what we say. If the child realises that his tears can make you change your mind and that you will allow more playtime  he will use that strategy again and cry every time until he gets what he wants. Stop playing, look at them, tell them once.

– Use a kind and firm tone of voice and clear body language. Start gathering the belongings and moving towards the house with an encouraging smile and a wink!

– Give small choices: Offer small choices that will give the child a sense of power. No one likes to be told what to do all the time and children can react to that particularly if they are tired or hungry. “It is time to go inside now. Would you like to chase me or shall I chase you? Shall we walk backwards or sideways?”

– Use fewer words: Often children don’t listen to us because we talk too much. When they ask: “Why” and you embark on a long explanation, they have succeeded in gaining a few more minutes of play time…

– Use humour: “You said no? Ooo I am going to have to catch you and eat you up with kisses!” Catch him, kiss him and carry him to the house.

– Use distraction: “I am going to close my eyes. Can you guide me to the door?” Play the silly floppy parent that trips and pretends to loose balance and bump into things. It is not supposed to be another long game so aim for the door and yes, you can peek through your eye lashes

– Anticipate: be aware of the physical state of the child. Hungry and tired children do not cooperate easily. If you see any sign of it, interrupt the game a little earlier, even if it looks like everyone could continue to play for hours.

– Create an agreement: when everyone is calm again, talk about the next playtime and how we could avoid the tears. Agree that:  “We would all like to play forever but there are times when we have to stop and that it is not very pleasant if there are tears and screams. Can we agree that when it is time we all stop and do what we have to do? Without making a big fuss?”

– Use Empathy: we feel better when we feel understood. Connect with your child and show that you understand that he is upset. Bend down to eye level, hug him if he lets you. Tell the child that it is ok to be upset about having to end playtime. You also had fun playing with him and you look forward to doing it again tomorrow and it is time to go inside.

“You like playing hide and seek, me too, wasn’t that fun! You’d like to play longer, I understand, me too and now my watch says it is time to go inside. If need be, follow this with a small choice that suits your time table and the situation. “Would you like to have a bath or help me prepare dinner first?”

If the child was playing without you or with a friend, show interest in their game first, admire what they have built, compliment them on their game or their creativity and then tell them it tis time to interrupt the game. By connecting with the child first and going into her world, you help her want to follow you into the next activity.

    It is that sense of being understood, loved and connected to a parent that becomes the driving force for all children to want to cooperate.

Playing, laughing together and being hugged when emotions are difficult to handle give children the sense of security they need.

With the Summer holidays come many opportunities to play and to say ‘Now it’s time to go inside’. This time you should be well equipped with a variety of tools to allow a happy ending to an hour of fun. My favourite tools are Empathy and Giving small choices. What are yours?

This post first appeared on Lyliane Stewart’s site parentingeastwest.com on July 7, 2014.

Lyliane Stewart is a teacher, a positive discipline parent educator and a mother of two young adults. Originally from Switzerland, she lives with her husband in Beijing where she has been very active with the school community over the years.  Her personal experience of living internationally in a cross-cultural family has given her a good understanding of the various challenges encountered by multi-cultural, multi-lingual expatriate families. Passionate about psychology and education, she founded Parenting East West to offer support to families around the world. Lyliane believes that by gaining a better understanding of ourselves, and of human relationships in general, we become better equipped for parenting.  She offers weekly interactive parenting classes through which she introduces positive parenting tools and strategies.

The Mums2B group she started meets in Sanlitun weekly and welcomes new expectant parents.To get in touch, send a message to: parentingeastwest@gmail.com

Photo: coljac (flickr)

The 6 Most Important Decisions You’ll Ever Make: A Guide for Teens
By Sean Covey

The challenges teens face today are tougher than at any time in history: academic stress, parent communication, media bombardment, dating drama, abuse, bullying, addictions, depression, and peer pressure, just to name a few. And, like it or not, the choices teens make while navigating these challenges can make or break their futures.

In The 6 Most Important Decisions You’ll Ever Make, Sean Covey, author of the international bestseller The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens, gives teens the strong advice they need to make informed and wise decisions. Using real stories from teens around the world, Covey shows teens how to succeed in school, make good friends, get along with parents, wisely handle dating and sex issues, avoid or overcome addictions, build self-esteem, and much more. Jam-packed with original cartoons, inspiring quotes, and fun quizzes, this innovative book will help teens not only survive but thrive during their teen years and beyond.

This is a resource for teens and their parents everywhere. Even if you are the only one who reads it, it will give you a good starting point for conversations or give you the words to talk about difficult issues. Try leaving it lying casually on the kitchen table. Your teen might pick it up when you are not looking!

The 6 Decisions:
1. School:  I am Totally Stressed Out!
2. Friends:  So Fun…So Fickle…
3. Parents:  How Embarrassing!
4. Dating & Sex:  Do We Have To Talk About This?
5. Addictions:  It’s Not Hard To Quit… I’ve Done It a Dozen Times
6. Self Worth:  If Only I Were Better Looking

This post first appeared on Lyliane Stewart’s site parentingeastwest.com on October 23, 2012.

Lyliane Stewart is a teacher, a positive discipline parent educator and a mother of two young adults. Originally from Switzerland, she lives with her husband in Beijing where she has been very active with the school community over the years.  Her personal experience of living internationally in a cross-cultural family has given her a good understanding of the various challenges encountered by multi-cultural, multi-lingual expatriate families. Passionate about psychology and education, she founded Parenting East West to offer support to families around the world. Lyliane believes that by gaining a better understanding of ourselves, and of human relationships in general, we become better equipped for parenting.  She offers weekly interactive parenting classes through which she introduces positive parenting tools and strategies.

The Mums2B group she started meets in Sanlitun weekly and welcomes new expectant parents.To get in touch, send a message to: parentingeastwest@gmail.com

Photo courtesy of martinak15 (Flickr)

‘Mum…?’

‘Mmm.’

‘Mum!……’

‘Mmhmm…’

‘Mum I can’t believe you are using your phone at the table…! Do you remember that you did not allow us to use our Game Boys during meal time when we were little?’

‘Oh…sorry…yes… but I am not playing here…I just need to check something…’

My daughter is right. When handheld video games appeared in the early 90’s children loved them but they were addictive and we had to set up rules. Rule number one was: no Game Boys at the table (well, except at the end of the meal at the restaurant – after paper, pencils and card games had lost the children’s interest). Game Boys have since been replaced by mobile phones and tablets and it is no longer only children who get totally engrossed by their electronic devices… I, for one, have realised that the challenge of addiction is stronger than I imagined and you may have recognised yourself in the above scenario.

The Journal of Pediatrics recently published an interesting study conducted by researchers at the Boston University Medical Centre about the ‘Patterns of Mobile Device Use by Caregivers and Children While Dining in Restaurants‘. The concern is a lack of attention given to children, the potential consequences on their well being and the long term impact on the parent-child relationship.  The responses of the children to the lack of interaction by the adult in charge showed that some were able to entertain themselves, some just remained passive and that some acted out and tested limits in order to attract attention. It also showed that when interrupted, the adults often lashed out more harshly than necessary.

Boston psychologist Catherine Steiner-Adair explains: “When you’re texting or answering email, the part of your brain that is engaged is the ‘to do’ part, where there’s also a sense of urgency to get the task accomplished, a sense of time pressure. So we’re much more irritable when interrupted.”

Mobile devices are a new cultural phenomena. They are here to stay and we have to learn to live with them. We also have to be aware of the impact of the message we give when we use our phone in a social setting.  ”We are behaving in ways that certainly tell children they don’t matter, they’re not interesting to us, they’re not as compelling as anybody, anything, or any ping that may interrupt our time with them,” says Steiner-Adair.

I believe this message applies to children or adults alike. How often have you felt relegated to secondary degree importance when your friend, your spouse or your child answers the phone or sends a text in the middle of your conversation? Let’s be honest, it hurts, but we’re adults and we can understand the potential urgency of that incoming message.

Children, on the other hand, learn by imitation. By watching us they learn how to interact, how to have conversations, how to express their feelings and validate their emotions. They learn how to behave and how to conduct themselves in social situations. Based on the quality of the interaction with their parents they make decisions about themselves that will impact them for life:

‘When Dad stares at his smartphone while we are having dinner it probably means that I am boring and that I am not worthy of his interest’.

‘When Mum has a long conversation with her friend while she is pushing my pram she indicates that she would probably prefer to be with her friend and doesn’t really like spending time with me’.

The list of faux-pas is long, I am as guilty as anyone and we can all try to be more thoughtful when we use our devices around our children. Let’s ask ourselves: “Do I really need to look at that right now? Could it wait?” Use it briefly if it can’t wait, but explain what we are about to do and apologise to our children so they know we are not ignoring them for something better or that much more important than them.

Pediatrician Dr Claire McCarthy admits she is addicted to her smartphone but is trying to get the balance right with her family by making meal times phone-free zones.

We could all create a list of phone-free zones to display on our fridges: No phones allowed – be mindful of the present moment –

– feeding Baby:  babble with her, talk to her, comment on the food and on her new skills, they grow up so fast.

– taking Toddler to the park: show her the birds, teach her new words, help him interact with other children.

– pushing Son on the swing:  watch his happy face, the array of emotions he is experiencing. Laugh with him.

– listening to Child who has just come home from school and has so much to tell you right now (but nothing left to say later when you might be more available)!

– shopping with your teen: help him/her choose the all perfect outfit even if it takes longer than expected!

– eating in a restaurant: talk about food, life and the universe…

I recently discovered that the local Health Spa imposes a 10pm internet curfew to their overnight guests and I am pondering weather to install this in my own home!

Mobile devices are not all bad, on the contrary! My children are very savvy at finding fun facts, Apps and games and we have shared many great moments together as a family watching entertaining YouTube videos or looking at photos and updates from friends or even checking word definitions for that scrabble game we were playing.  All together around one device. Recommended!

Most importantly though we must work on being fully present in the moment when we spend time with our children and give them our full attention. It is that feeling of being the most important thing in their parents life (and they are!) that will give our children the self worth indispensable to developing self esteem, confidence, happiness and independence.

This post first appeared on Lyliane Stewart’s site parentingeastwest.com on April 28, 2014.

Lyliane Stewart is a teacher, a positive discipline parent educator and a mother of two young adults. Originally from Switzerland, she lives with her husband in Beijing where she has been very active with the school community over the years.  Her personal experience of living internationally in a cross-cultural family has given her a good understanding of the various challenges encountered by multi-cultural, multi-lingual expatriate families. Passionate about psychology and education, she founded Parenting East West to offer support to families around the world. Lyliane believes that by gaining a better understanding of ourselves, and of human relationships in general, we become better equipped for parenting.  She offers weekly interactive parenting classes through which she introduces positive parenting tools and strategies.

The Mums2B group she started meets in Sanlitun weekly and welcomes new expectant parents.To get in touch, send a message to: parentingeastwest@gmail.com

Photo courtesy of Lyliane Stewart

All parents want the best for their children. This was evident in the number of parents that attended the Beijing Kids School Fair earlier this Spring in search of the best school for their family.

This annual fair is an excellent opportunity to get a taste of many different types of schools, such as local and International, day and boarding, Chinese and bi-lingual schools and to listen to parents talk about their own children’s schooling experience.

Choosing the right school is a daunting process. I remember moving to a new country with a four year old and being told that we were much too late to enrol her and indeed, all the schools we were interested in were already full. We did eventually find one that had vacancies, we registered, bought the uniform, our daughter enjoyed her first day, all went well until we received news later that same day that a spot had unexpectedly become available at our first choice school,.. would we want it, and if yes, could we decide by tomorrow.

This sudden opportunity started a whole new discussion which involved our extended family around the world. Having done the smooth acclimatisation to her new school experience, would we traumatise our daughter by transferring her to another school after that one successful day in her first school? Like all first time parents we wanted to do the right thing. After much deliberation we decided to move her; it proved to be a good decision (and if you want to know, she doesn’t remember a thing about our huge dilemma).

When it was time to find a kindergarten for our two year old, the nice neighbourhood kindergarten I had carefully selected told me that they had no morning places available and that they could only offer us an  afternoon place and not a morning one (that could have been acceptable once we had sorted out her nap time). The kindergarten then said that they would only take her if she attended every afternoon instead of agreeing to my plan of starting initially with two and gently building up to five afternoons during the year. That, on the other hand, was not acceptable to me and we registered our daughter somewhere else.

Talking to Admissions officers at a Fair, browsing through websites and glossy brochures can give you some flavour of a school but visiting it provides you with a true personal impression. Some schools make you feel happy, some make you feel uninspired. If you are uncomfortable or intimidated by the Head of school, it is likely your child will be too. Follow your instinct and choose a place where you would be happy going to everyday and where you see engaged, motivated children and enthusiastic teachers.

‘It takes a Village to raise a Child’ goes the old saying. Finding a school that values dialogue between family and school is essential. Find out if the school welcomes parents on campus (within reason), will listen to your concerns and will contact you if your child struggles academically or emotionally. This is particularly important when we send our children to a school with a foreign curriculum or in a foreign language and even more so to a boarding school.

Our involvement as parents however, doesn’t end once we have paid the school fees.

Research has shown that children achieve better when their parents are interested in their work, their learning, their school, their friends and not just their report cards:

Be a supportive and encouraging parent.

Avoid talking only about grades.

Ask how they feel, listen when they complain about a teacher or an assignment.

Offer help for homework if needed, praise their effort and their hard work, not only their achievement.

Don’t fill up their free time with extra tutoring lessons.

Take time to sit and chat about life at school. Ask what was their favourite event of the day, tell them about yours.

Listen to your children respectfully like you would listen to a friend.

Attend their music concerts as well as their sports games.

Display their art work around the house.

Attend school events.

Get to know your child’s friends and their parents.

Meet the teachers at the beginning of the school year and ask to meet with them again briefly but regularly during the year even if it is not common practice.

A good school should be a community where teachers and parents cooperate alongside each other with the common goal of raising happy, balanced and successful children.

This post first appeared on Lyliane Stewart’s site parentingeastwest.com on March 10, 2014.

Lyliane Stewart is a teacher, a positive discipline parent educator and a mother of two young adults. Originally from Switzerland, she lives with her husband in Beijing where she has been very active with the school community over the years.  Her personal experience of living internationally in a cross-cultural family has given her a good understanding of the various challenges encountered by multi-cultural, multi-lingual expatriate families. Passionate about psychology and education, she founded Parenting East West to offer support to families around the world. Lyliane believes that by gaining a better understanding of ourselves, and of human relationships in general, we become better equipped for parenting.  She offers weekly interactive parenting classes through which she introduces positive parenting tools and strategies.

The Mums2B group she started meets in Sanlitun weekly and welcomes new expectant parents.To get in touch, send a message to: parentingeastwest@gmail.com

Photo by Lyliane Stewart

This very short book tells the story of a colony of water bugs in a pond. Every now and then one of them climbs the stalk of a water lily, disappears and never comes back. Two water bugs make a pact that the next one who climbs out of the pond will return and tell the others what happens above the pond. When the next water bug climbs up the stalk and leaves the pond, she finds that she is unable to go back into the water as she has transformed into a beautiful dragonfly.

This story is so beautifully written and illustrated that it is soothing to anyone who reads it, adults and children alike. Presenting death as part of a life cycle is a very reassuring way to talk to children about it.

This post first appeared on Lyliane Stewart’s site parentingeastwest.com on December 29, 2013.

Lyliane Stewart is a teacher, a positive discipline parent educator and a mother of two young adults. Originally from Switzerland, she lives with her husband in Beijing where she has been very active with the school community over the years.  Her personal experience of living internationally in a cross-cultural family has given her a good understanding of the various challenges encountered by multi-cultural, multi-lingual expatriate families. Passionate about psychology and education, she founded Parenting East West to offer support to families around the world. Lyliane believes that by gaining a better understanding of ourselves, and of human relationships in general, we become better equipped for parenting.  She offers weekly interactive parenting classes through which she introduces positive parenting tools and strategies.

The Mums2B group she started meets in Sanlitun weekly and welcomes new expectant parents.To get in touch, send a message to: parentingeastwest@gmail.com

Photo courtesy of Pilgrim Press

Somehow when our daughters were growing up, discussing the future had always implied the years ahead for all of us together. We moved to China together for one more adventure ‘en famille – before the girls go off to university’ but somehow the reality of what would happen afterwards was never in my picture.

It was only when our eldest daughter started her third year of high school, that it suddenly dawned on me that the she might actually be leaving soon, that the college applications process meant that she would be moving on at the end of high school and that she would be going to university – far away – and that daughter number two would follow three years later…The realization that our life as a foursome was not meant to last forever came as a shock…It was also probably around that time that I heard the term ‘empty nester’ for the first time.

Where I grew up, going to university meant that you could still live at home, a short daily commute being all it took to pursue your tertiary education. Nothing had prepared me for the separation across oceans that my family was about to experience.

During that last year of being a foursome I became more and more aware of the looming separation. I had met other women who had gone through this separation and I could see it wasn’t going to be easy. The smallest, silliest things would trigger a flow of emotions – and my daughter hadn’t even left home yet! I would become nostalgic hearing a favorite family song, a tune on the piano and I would get teary opening the fridge and realizing that she would no longer be eating my food – now I get the full meaning of: ‘Food is the language of love’.

Getting together with other mothers was very helpful in realizing that I was not the only one going through this separation anxiety. At the beginning of their life we had had nine months to get used to welcoming our children into our heart, now we had to get used to ‘letting them go’ but it hurt.

In that last year of ‘life as we knew it’, my husband and I had hoped to catch some more family time. However we soon found out that what little time was left between studying, college applications and essay writing, sports and exams, had to be shared with “The friends that I will never see again..”. We had been relegated to the category of “You will always be around..” and we were no longer a priority – but that was ok, we had been warned by the school counsellors!

In our desire to equip our children for the step ahead and for living away from home, we fell into the trap of wanting to make sure we had covered all the topics (banking, cooking, health, boys..) and went on an slight overload of unsolicited advice, of “Don’t forget about this and don’t forget to do that!”. This, coupled with the usual stress of transition, meant that on more than one occasions we were all ready to see each other’s back. I see this as Mother Nature’s way to help us part. That is what children do. They don’t belong to us, they must push us back in order to leave the nest and it is our job to let them go and support their wish for independence.

When you have lived together as a family for 20 years, it is hard to imagine life without children. With each child leaving, the umbilical cord is stretched out and cut for a second time. I felt the pain of separation in my gut and I grieved for several days after each departure. I had anticipated the sense of loss and had filled my diary before hand with meetings and people to see. My lovely friends recognized my dark sunglasses as camouflage for my tears. Research shows that children leaving home is an often overlooked highly stressful time in life and that it is important to prepare for it. In women, when it is coupled with menopause it can lead to depression. Men are often emotionally unprepared and can experience feelings of lost opportunities when their children leave home.

I consider myself fortunate to have been able to stay home to look after our girls but it meant that now I had to learn to look at life through my own eyes, not those of my children and I had to redefine my purpose, find new goals, set up a new routine, make friends outside the school community. We had been warned about staring at the deserted kitchen table and the empty bedrooms, so we moved house.

My husband and I have entered a new phase of our life that doesn’t deserve the negative and sad sense of loss that the label empty-nester implies. So instead, in a more positive approach, I prefer to say that we have become ‘Second Honeymooners’.

Now we can make last minute plans that no longer involve finding a babysitter or preparing dinner for the children, we can get together with friends and go out on dates just like we did before the children came along. Once a mother, always a mother. The fridge is less full, but the memories are plenty.

With a positive attitude we can open the door to new opportunities. Perhaps there is an old dream to revive, a language to brush up, some friends to visit around the world, a bucket list to tick off, a tempting new job. The children will be happy venturing out into their world knowing that their parents are alright and that home will always be home for them wherever it may be. Both girls have left and we miss them terribly, but now we are making plans for our next adventure ‘à deux’ and that is very exciting.

If you are finding coping with this new reality without children challenging or even depressing, don’t sit home alone. Google ‘empty nest’ and you should find a good number of helpful resources.

Read more on ParentingEastWest.com

This post first appeared on Lyliane Stewart’s website ParentingEastWest on January 28, 2014.

Lyliane Stewart is a teacher, a positive discipline parent educator and a mother of two young adults. Originally from Switzerland, she lives with her husband in Beijing where she has been very active with the school community over the years.  Her personal experience of living internationally in a cross-cultural family has given her a good understanding of the various challenges encountered by multi-cultural, multi-lingual expatriate families. Passionate about psychology and education, she founded Parenting East West to offer support to families around the world. Lyliane believes that by gaining a better understanding of ourselves, and of human relationships in general, we become better equipped for parenting.  She offers weekly interactive parenting classes through which she introduces positive parenting tools and strategies.

The Mums2B group she started meets in Sanlitun weekly and welcomes new expectant parents.To get in touch, send a message to: parentingeastwest@gmail.com

Photo by Lyliane Stewart.