Gearing up for the holiday season can bring a great sense of joy and anticipation for both parents and children. On the other hand, it can cause a great deal of stress and anxiety. As we inch ever closer to that time, it may be helpful to look for ways to manage stress and deal with possible issues before they arise.

Talk with your children about different holiday traditions around the world, the meanings behind them, and the reasons that people choose to celebrate these holidays. Recognize that not everyone views this time in the same way, and help your children appreciate their own and other people’s traditions.

Help set realistic expectations

Rather than allowing your child’s mind to run wild with all the things they hope for and want, help them to learn about making wise choices, spending money responsibly, and finding satisfaction within the simple pleasures of life. Consider giving them a small budget to buy gifts for family members or help them to make meaningful gifts that are homemade.

Make connections with the people who mean the most

At the core of most holiday traditions is the feeling of togetherness that comes from enjoying time with others. Especially when stress and anxiety about holidays creep in, it’s important to step back, find those special people and spend time with them. An unexpected cup of coffee or chat can be simple to arrange and go a long way in terms of reducing holiday anxiety.

For those who are anxious about family dynamics that often come up during holiday celebrations, it might be helpful to imagine the worst-case scenario. If we can imagine it, we can plan for it. Take as many other stressors away as possible. Recognize and accept family members and others as they are. Know that you can only be responsible for your own actions. Plan for how to manage that one situation you hope won’t come up. Hopefully, it will be much easier to deal with if and when it does. Regardless of how anyone else responds to a stressful situation, you can do what you must to take care of yourself and model to your children emotional regulation and health.

Make realistic travel plans

Many parents may feel pushed to go over the top with their holiday plans and then struggle with how to manage the cost and the stress of travel later on. Sometimes the easiest route is the best. The magic of the holidays can spring out of any location, and sometimes the path of least resistance leads to the most relaxed and enjoyable holiday.

Children today have more material wealth in general than at any other time. While it’s wonderful and exciting to have new things, it may be even more valuable to have the memories of time well-spent together. Rather than overtaxing family budgets on all the new gadgets, consider paring down. Give gifts that are going to be well–loved over time and are particularly special. Take some time to plan activities (and not too many!) that will carry on for many years. Consider building a family gingerbread house, making homemade tree decorations, or doing some special holiday baking and cooking. Make gifts for family and friends. Make a collection of holiday songs to sing and plan to go caroling at the homes of friends and loved ones. There are many activities that are free or low cost, which do a great deal to spread cheer and holiday joy. These are often the activities that people remember years later and perhaps even carry on.

This article appeared in the beijingkids December 2019 Giving Back issue

It’s the 21st Century. This means so many things to so many people. Our world has become increasingly global, and with that comes many challenges and opportunities. While the issues around global trade are hot in the news right now, there is also significant impact from the trade and sharing of ideas, values, and culture. These are the softer, more personal impacts of global culture. With the prevalence of the #metoo movement in the US, along with seemingly endless revelations of sexual harassment and abuse, men’s role in the public eye is changing. Behaviors that may have been considered acceptable even ten years ago are no longer brushed off today. Men everywhere are reconsidering their choices and responses to women’s concerns, not only wanting to ensure their own political or business interests, but to maintain credibility and respect within their social circles. This has required some shifts in what we, as a society, deem acceptable male behavior. While this may be an example on the extreme end of things, it’s a good indication of how society’s views on men’s roles are changing.

The #metoo movement can be seen to ask men to be more sensitive, more careful, and more responsive to the needs of women. Similarly, parenting roles are changing. As women take on more powerful roles in business and politics, men are asked to step up and be more involved in the care of their children. This includes basic things such as home care, help with school and extra curricular activities, but also increasingly points to the need for healthy emotional responsiveness to children and their ever–changing needs. While the tasks of daily living may be challenging enough for many men to add to their already busy work lives, the call for emotional intelligence is even more harrowing.

Traditionally, men have had much different roles as parents. Living by the “Male Code” has previously been an unspoken expectation. Men were expected to be strong providers, to be emotionally stoic and to secure for themselves positions of power and dominance. Men who displayed strong or tender emotions were discouraged and seen as weak, or even defective members of society. Now we ask them to behave in these ways.  Author and family counselor Michael Gurian wrote a stunningly revelatory book in 2006, The Wonder of Boys, in which he explored the specific characteristics of boys and the shocking realities that many boys face growing up.

First, he argues that boys are physiologically different from girls and that we must safeguard against “enmeshing male development with a female culture in transition”.  Males are hard–wired for certain behaviors, he asserts. For instance, their higher levels of testosterone naturally lead boys to be more physically assertive, competitive, and risk–taking. He also points to differences in brain development between boys and girls. These differences impact the needs of boys and how they learn best. For instance, boys seem to benefit from spatial orientation, or seeing objects moving through space. They also need more space to move in than girls and seem to intrinsically need more deep-muscle contact and stimulation than girls. And boys are motivated by having a mission to complete, not just expectations of pro-social or responsiveness.

Gurian also presents some of the gender–specific realities that boys face, and these facts may be surprising.  Boys are more likely than girls to be victims of physical and sexual abuse. They have a much higher rate of ADHD diagnosis. They are more likely to commit acts of violence, to become socially or religiously radicalized, and to have problems with addiction. Clearly, in our push to advance the rights and freedoms of girls, Gurian asserts, we have forgotten to care for our boys and their specific needs. I present this context on the reality of boys to highlight the tremendous challenge for boys as they become men and take on new roles of fatherhood. Asking men to take on these roles must go hand in hand with an understanding of their needs from the beginning. Yes, we need to raise boys who are cared for according to their specific needs. We also need to support men in ways that are specific to their needs, with an awareness of what the reality of growing up male has been.

With all this in mind, let’s look at what we are asking of fathers today. Fathers are being asked to take on increasing roles in the care and upbringing of their children, including emotional availability. They are being asked to share vulnerability with their partners and children. They are tasked with not just giving advice and imparting wisdom, but with being active and good listeners, to demonstrate empathy, to show physical affection, and to let go of their traditional role of control. It’s a daunting list. And the list is actually fraught with challenges that bump up against elements of the “Male Code” that many of our fathers grew up with as children themselves. Let’s take a look at some of these requests and the challenges that come along with them.

Emotional Availability and Vulnerability

Being in close quarters with children means bearing witness to their emotions, which can often be quite intense. As many boys were raised with the unfortunate belief that showing and expressing emotions was off-limits, they may feel quite uncomfortable when faced with the emotions of their own children. Some mental health professionals refer to this situation as “hearing the shark music”, remember the movie Jaws? Okay, I think I just gave away my age.  I remember it.  That scary music that plays when you know the shark is about to appear and attack in Jaws is what we are talking about here. Perhaps everything is going fine. You are eating a snack with your kids. Everyone is happy. Then suddenly, an argument breaks out and there is crying, yelling – big emotions. From some unseen place, that building sound of panic starts to flood in. Mom is gone…what to do? Someone has to take action, and that someone is you!

Using the metaphor of shark music can be quite helpful in understanding the panic feelings of strong emotions in children. It actually points to a physiological process known as stress response. Basically, when we feel unsafe or under attack, our brain reacts by releasing stress hormones into the bloodstream. Cortisol, testosterone and other hormones are released. The gut shuts down, giving an uneasy feeling in the stomach. Our heart rate goes up, palms start to sweat. We are literally getting ready to fight off a shark or run for our lives. And there is no difference in humans, physiologically, between a real shark and a perceived shark (big emotions). With this backdrop in mind, it may be unsurprising that some men simply cannot find a way to deal with the emotions at hand.

So, what’s the solution?

Experts in childhood mental health suggest that we learn to hear the shark music before it reaches a crescendo. If we know the shark music is coming, we can do things to calm ourselves and our children. The first part, however, is hearing the shark music. If it’s already gotten pretty intense, it’s probably a good idea not to talk about the situation right now. Brains in stress response can’t think logically as the prefrontal cortex (problem–solving region) shuts down in deference to survival mode. So this is a great time to actually follow that flow. Going outside for some exercise is a great option. Those hormones need to be worked out, and there is no better way than by moving. A lot. Even jumping jacks are a great immediate solution. Getting into a safe space is another good strategy. It might be an opportune moment to jump back into bed and read a book to calm everyone (including dad) down. The issue can be resolved later, when everyone is calm. And drinking water. Drinking water is a terrific way to reset emotions and help the elimination of the stress hormones. Although it might seem strange at first, getting into the habit of recognizing the shark music and following the body’s response is a great strategy to dealing with strong emotions. Later on, you can pick through the emotions, talk out the problem and be sane about it.

Emotional availability is not the only skill here. Fathers need to learn that it’s okay to be vulnerable. This means that it’s actually healthy and helpful for fathers to show their own emotions to their children and to model how to deal with those emotions in a way that moves things forward. It’s just probably a good idea to wait until the shark music passes.

Active Listening

Part of the “Male Code” includes the image of the wise and knowing father, imparting their wisdom and guidance to the young. While this is an important role, it needs to include active listening. Rather than the all-knowing dad–in–residence, fathers can try to emulate the role of the noble king. (Remember the discussion of boys needing a mission? It goes for dads too. So here it is.) The noble king shares his wisdom and experience when he has it, but he is also a good listener and knows when simply hearing the children out is the only necessary action. The noble king does not need to have the answers to every problem. He needs to know how to hear the problem and give empathy, thus instilling in his children the sense that he truly understands the struggles they are facing.

Physical Affection

Another challenge facing fathers today could be the need their children have for physical touch and soothing. It may be an old cultural norm that fathers who show ample physical affection are weak or lack masculinity, it’s something that children very much need. In fact, fatherly affection can prevent children from having trouble with aggression and impulse control. Boys especially need hugs, high fives and other nurturing from fathers, as they historically have had difficulty learning to self-soothe.

Letting Go

Parents who want to have lasting healthy relationships with their children need to cultivate the active skill of releasing control. Another keystone in the “Male Code”, letting go of control can be challenging for fathers. However, children grow up and become adults, and that is when it may become abundantly apparent that we truly do not control them. Letting go of control and allowing children to step into their identity with support is an essential part of setting up a close and loving relationship into adulthood.

Honor the Mother

Women have traditionally carried the major burden of raising children and this still rings true today. No matter the circumstances, it’s important for fathers to recognize the deep contributions and efforts that mothers make to their children’s upbringing. It’s vital that children see their mothers as the heros they are, and that their fathers also value and recognize the contributions of their female counterparts. This is truly an act worthy of the noble king.

As we think about the changing roles of men and society in general, having a clear road–map about where we want to get to is important. But these changes can’t happen overnight. Many fathers have very real patterns and childhood experiences that are challenging to break through, especially if they were not given the emotional tools by their own fathers. It calls us to be patient – as mothers who support fathers, and for fathers themselves. Even when we try to change patterns, there are a lot of bumps along the way as past experiences and learned behaviors pop up. This has to be okay to move things forward for us all. Together we can begin to shed the old image of the father in–line with the “Male Code”, and instead begin to see the new image of the noble king emerge.

This article appeared in the beijingkids November 2019 Beijing Baba issue

Having and taking care of pets is one of the most rewarding ways to help children develop internally and includes many different pathways to self–development, social skills, health, family bonding, and many more precious gems! Worried about the costs? There are lots of animal rescue groups and veterinarian hospitals who help lonely pets find good homes for free, and often provide vaccinations and, er, birth control.  Afraid of working long hours and not being able to properly care for it?  That’s what kids are for!  Besides, many families in China have small pets and work crazy hours, yet still find a way to walk out the door after a stressful day at the office and just chill with something furry while in sweats. If you are really adventurous, it’s a great excuse to wear pajamas in public. I recommend it.

Worried about having too small of an apartment?  There’s lots of smaller dogs and cats, of course, that can be perfectly happy even in a small place. Having the chance daily to go out and meet all the other animals along the wild and nuanced zone of fragrance and treasure of Beijing streets has got to be a dog’s paradise. Even some of our more adventurous humans can have a whale of a time trying to figure out what exactly some of those mysterious items in the gutter are. It’s free entertainment. Or at least free… something. If you still have doubts about being able to handle a family pet, I have some great reasons to give it a try, and they all relate to the amazing benefits a pet will bring to your family. Here they are:

Play

Playing with pets is a very important part of the process. Young children, at first, may only want to play with their pet. In the beginning, the pet serves the role of a toy which the child directs in their play to serve their own interests. However, since pets also have their own needs and wishes, they provide immediate feedback to the play. The child must learn to respond to the feedback the pet is giving, to understand when their play is too rough or when the pet does not like it. They also get positive feedback in the form of cuddling, purring or care-seeking behaviors.

This kind of feedback is helpful for developing children’s emotional regulation, bonding, and relationship building. It becomes more of a give and take, rather than a one-dimensional fantasy. Because of the nature of these kinds of relationships, pets can be very good emotional support for children who experience loneliness, social awkwardness, or insecurity. The unconditional love of a dear pet is a great emotional boost while teaching appropriate behaviors at the same time.

Nurturing

Not only can a pet provide a child with emotional support and care, but children also learn these skills in return. Especially for boys, who might not feel safe playing “parent” to toys or even siblings, having a pet gives them the social leeway to care for an animal in ways similar to “playing daddy”. It’s still masculine, it’s still cool, and it’s something that boys really need permission to explore if we want them to be emotionally responsive kids today and healthy parents later in life. Often children will talk to their pets and reveal secret feelings and stories to their pet as a trusted friend. Additionally, children who can read aloud to pets engage in read-alouds more comfortably and often than those who do not have pets.

Health Benefits

Pets offer great health benefits to children and families. Children in households with pets have fewer allergies and cases of asthma, fewer visits to the doctor’s office and they are likely to have lower blood pressure. Actually, studies show that people who play with their dogs have lower blood pressure. Owning pets that need to be walked encourages exercise and helps children who are slow to get moving or struggling with their weight or other health issues. Pets reduce stress, anxiety, and loneliness, which are all things that expat families in China may be dealing with.

Responsibility

Depending on the age of the child and the type of pet being cared for, the responsibilities of caring for an animal can be gradually introduced and transferred to children. For children younger than ten, it’s a wise idea to assist the child in learning care – obviously the easiest and most enjoyable activities first. However, children can take on more and more duties as they grow in their maturity and become more aware of the many skills and activities it takes to care for another living being. Simple tasks to begin with can be feeding and watering, going for walks, and brushing or washing the pet.

These responsibilities can increase to include taking care of waste, clipping nails, tooth care, and assisting with giving medications or supplements, cleaning living areas. These kinds of responsibilities assist a child in not only learning what is involved in caring for another, but the need to be consistent and regular with care. Not only will these skills help them to have other pets in the future, but it also encourages good self-care in the now.  This is great for kids who struggle with brushing their hair or completing regular self-care tasks.

Family Bonding

Children are rarely solely responsible for pets, and it’s often the parents or older siblings who take a good chunk of the responsibility on. However, even without the joint responsibility of care, pets provide an easy point of interest for family members to connect around. Especially in the very tech-heavy times we are living in, it seems families need to work harder to find common interests and themes. People are often tied up in corners of the house using some kind of device, and getting off those devices to have a face to face conversation can be challenging. Let those among us who have not sent a WeChat message to our child sitting in the next room or next chair stand and be counted! Noticing funny quirks about a family pet, playing with them, or just enjoying their company together creates family bonding time that is surely worth more than its weight than umm… pet waste.

Respect for Life

Children who raise animals develop respect, love and curiosity about the living world and about nature. Their feelings and emotional connection towards their pet will naturally extend out to caring for other domestic and wild animals, and nature in general. And finally, they will at some point be faced with death and loss. All things must come to an end, and this includes a dear animal friend. Exploring and moving through the tough emotions of losing a pet helps children to understand the transient nature of life, that all things must eventually die, and that it’s okay. We have the opportunity to cherish each moment with those we love around us, knowing that these things are finite. Dealing with pet loss will help children be able to deal emotionally with other loss later in life.

With all of these amazing benefits available, it’s a wonder that any of us are without animals. So if you are ready to take the plunge, be assured there are many resources out there for finding caring for, and raising pets in Beijing.  And rejoice in the new perspectives that those fascinating smells and mysterious objects on the streets of life have to offer when accompanied by a furry friend!

This article appeared in the beijingkids October 2019 Best Friends Fur-ever issue

Everybody wants kids that are well – behaved and get along at home and at school. We often talk about discipline. It’s a confusing term. Many of us don’t want to repeat the same authoritarian style of parenting that we had, but we do want well-behaved children who are respectful and take responsibility for their part on school and family life. Some parents go too far in permissiveness, determined to be different, and some fall back into patterns they fundamentally disagree with out of desperation or frustration in the moment. Being a parent would be so easy if we didn’t have to deal with our own childhood in the process!

We are all busy, we are all trying our best. We just need tools. We need tools that are simple and easy to remember. So here’s a very small tool-box that may be easy to remember, a little harder to implement but hopefully worth the effort in the end.

Think Long – Term. Childhood is all about learning. We learn to walk, talk, and handle our bodily functions within a few years. It’s a lot. Children cannot learn social contracts and responsibility overnight. They have impulses which are sometimes stronger than their desire to please adults. Their pre-frontal cortex (in charge of functions such as reasoning, logic, impulse control and problem solving) is not fully developed until well into the 20’s. Not only that, young children’s brains are rapidly developing but it takes many, many repetitions for them to fully grasp new concepts and develop strong neural pathways. Whatever habits and behaviors you hope to cultivate in your child, be assured it’s going to take lots of practice to get there. If they don’t have it down yet, they may just need more time.

Think of Needs. Whenever considering whether to flip out or panic at some utterly nonsensical and frustrating behavior your child displays, try to stop and consider needs.  Why is she doing this? What need does she have? Is it a demand for independence? A cry for attention? Is she tired/hungry/sad? Whenever possible, try to meet the need calling out under the behavior. This seems like exactly the wrong thing to do intuitively at first, but it’s actually a long – term answer. Give your child as much independence as possible and help only when necessary. Arrange your time to make room for this. Dig for and acknowledge their needs in the moment, and make a plan for meeting them if RIGHT NOW is not the time to do so (and tell them the plan). Give them encouragement, down-time, and hear them express themselves.

Be Fallible. Another seemingly unbelievable but golden tool is to actually find ways to show your child you don’t know everything all the time. Sometimes we react to a situation because of our own upbringing, pressure from others, or just pure frustration and later realize we have made a mistake. Be honest with yourself and your child. Apologize when you’ve stepped over the line. Talk through things, be willing to examine their perspective, and be willing to change your mind. Children can learn real life skills when they see adults who can make mistakes, recognize them, and then work to repair the damage or solve the problems. They will grow into adults with the same traits.

Be True. This one is so simple and so difficult to realize. Simply stated, if you say you will do something, do it. If you set a boundary, stick to it. Say what you mean, without using punishments or rewards but with knowledge of your own limits and boundaries. Let natural consequences happen. If your child has used all their playtime to clean their room, so be it. Don’t change the rules to appease your child. Change rules when you have a change of heart, be honest about it and explain why. Don’t use false statements, promises, or scary stories to convince your child to do or not do something. And unless you personally saw someone get an eye poked out in that particular situation, don’t tell them it will happen!  (I’ve asked this question many times to large groups of adults and only once did someone say they actually saw an eye POKED OUT. I still don’t really believe it.)

That’s it! There’s at least one gazillion other nifty tricks to helping children become truly disciplined humans, many of them excellent. But I personally think that if we can master these four basic tools, we are on the way to raising truly disciplined children, not to mention cultivating real inner discipline in our own lives.

Bullying. It’s one of those things parents really don’t want to hear about from their children. Many of us recall painful childhood memories of times when others were ridiculed or outcast and for many, those memories stick around. So when our child says things that lead us to believe there is bullying, it can be heartbreaking. We want to protect our child and ensure that they grow to be emotionally intact adults but we often don’t know how to handle the situation or even how to evaluate the seriousness of the situation. Sometimes what we deem as bullying is normal social development in children. Sometimes it isn’t.

Author Juliet Lythicot-Haims explains in her book How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success that bullying rates have not gone up in recent years, but parent sensitivity has. In light of this, perhaps especially in China – where many parents and grandparents are very protective – it is important to try to separate normal childhood struggles from true bullying. Experts suggest that allowing children to solve problems without interference is an important part of growing up and that intervening may do more harm than good.

However, there are situations where true bullying behavior takes place, and in that case there are some key concepts we can become familiar with to help our children. First, research has shown that the kindness approach is far more effective to stopping behavior than a punitive one. Schools who do not have a kindness program should be encouraged to install one and we as parents can talk with our children at home about strategies in kindness as a response to hurtful behavior.

Everyone hurts when bullying occurs, including the instigator(s). Therefore, to effectively address the issues, all parties need support. Children who bully have unmet needs that can be replaced with more positive support. Children who are victims deserve strategies to help them cope with and find positive ways to process emotions and reactions. Finally, bystanders – those who witness the interactions play a vital role in stopping these negative behaviors. For this reason, some anti – bullying programs focus heavily on helping bystanders evaluate the situation and be brave enough to say or do something to diffuse the situation. We can all support our children at home to be effective bystanders.

Finally, we need to understand that many bullying situations occur because of differences. As the saying goes, we are often afraid of what we do not understand. A child who dresses differently, has unusual tastes, is of a different race, or who looks different may be bullied. Helping children to accept and celebrate differences can make a huge impact on how social interactions play out in the school halls and playgrounds. And let’s focus more on supporting all of the parties involved and restoring harmony by righting misdeeds rather than looking for apologies. When we support our children in acting responsibly with their peers we are supporting their future emotional lives as responsible adults.

Photo: Pixabay

Now that school is back in session, many kindergarten gates are filled once again with tearful parent/child pairs that struggle to find a way to start the day as children long for the comfort of their parent and home. While there is usually a great deal of talk and information about how to help children deal with this situation, there is less regarding the parents themselves, and helping parents break down their own anxiety is a big part of the work towards happy send – offs. Here are three tips for parents to work on their own separation issues.

1. Find a listening partner. Research has shown that having adult friends to talk with and share deep emotions and struggles with is one of the best ways to deal with anxiety and stress. When we talk with friends with whom we can really open up, we often stumble on old emotional pain that can be released or find solutions to problems that had not previously been clear. And don’t be afraid to talk about your fears and anxiety lots of times. In one study, researchers found that it takes an average of retelling the same story fourteen times for it to be resolved internally. It’s not whining, it’s taking care of our needs.

2. Acknowledge the past, be in the present. Often our struggles with separation today come from painful memories. A past miscarriage, lost love, or memories from our own childhood can trigger emotional responses in the present situation. Sometimes we try to fill the gaps from past experiences by overcompensating in the present. Part of the process of healing those wounds is to acknowledge them, to accept that those things were painful, and to clearly see that the present situation is not the same.

3. At drop – off time, leave quickly. Many parents struggle with this one very important action. Children should have ample opportunities to talk with their parents about their feelings, to hug, and be comforted. However, when you are fully finished giving that attention, it’s very important to stick with the routine and go. When parents linger around, doubling back to give one more hug or kiss, it actually prolongs the process of easing separation anxiety. The child gets the message that if they cry more loudly they will get their parent to return. This can cause much more pain in the end. Trust your decision in caregivers. Be firm in maintaining a steady and stable routine. Take a deep breath, tell yourself they will be ok, and get yourself on to the day as quickly as possible. For most young children (and parents) separation anxiety should only last a few weeks if this routine is kept.

Photo: mcleancounselingcenter.com

As parents, we are always trying to give our children the best, most thoughtful environment and tools to help their growing minds mature. For many parents, that includes a heavy dose of children’s literature. Finding good children’s books can be pretty challenging in China for English speakers and Chinese alike. Bookstores are filled with colorful tomes marketed to parents (rather than their children) but when one actually starts digging in to the content, it can be difficult to find meaningful works.

There are the books with illustrations that are plastic (or computer generated) and unrealistic. There are the movie-themed books that are almost shamelessly created to create additional revenue for box office hits with little effort to deepen the story or add value. The books designed purely for teaching mechanical reading with flimsy or even illogical story lines and cheaply made commercial drawings. And now this. Some children’s literature critics are questioning classic award – winning books for the messages they convey.

The Rainbow Fish by Martin Phister is just one example of many. The story goes like this:  there is a beautiful fish covered in sparkly rainbow scales who is very vain and has no friends. Then he meets a wise old octopus who explains the value of sharing and friendship, convincing him to give away the glittery scales to the other fish in order to win their friendship. On the face of it, it seems innocuous enough. It’s nice for children to think of others, to share the blessings they have. Right? Maybe not that simple.

Some critics have made the argument that the real hidden meaning in the book is in the following lessons:

1. It is not acceptable to be physically more attractive than others.
2. He must win friends over by bribing them with something they covet.
3. In giving the other fish what they covet to buy their friendship, the Rainbow Fish must physically disfigure himself, aka “sharing”.

Pretty grim from that lens, right?  But as parents, we may feel it behoves us to follow these trends in thinking as education and child psychology grow and change. They are certainly not static fields and neither should our view of all things children be stuck in tradition if that tradition no longer serves the highest purpose (which is of course, to raise healthy and savvy, self – aware actualized humans). If you choose to go down this rabbit hole of evaluating beloved classics, be prepared for some heartbreak as you find your favorite old book on the list. I know I was shocked and angry the first time a friend criticized my cherished TinTin series for being overtly racist. Some things are just too good to let go of.

There is a silver lining in it all. For me, I’d rather keep all my TinTin books and talk with my kids about how and why the stereotypes were used as such, how things have changed since that time, and what insights we have to gain through reading and reflecting on the moral and ethical questions that arise from reading books that are not neatly wrapped packages of prejudice and malice-free mental health. And that’s the key. If we use these kinds of literary experiences as springboards into the deeper questions below the storyline, they can be as revealing and cathartic to both our children and ourselves. Making the effort to have the conversations is of prime importance. We shouldn’t trust any author to be peddling good values to our children. In my experience, children get the nuances and point them out on their own if given the chance and they often are much more sophisticated thinkers than we give them credit for.

So have fun cracking open those old storybooks and let the debates begin! Happy reading.

Photo: Pixabay

Do you ever find yourself hearing those ominous words “Turn that garbage noise down!” only to realize that your parent’s ancient complaint is coming out of your own mouth? If so, welcome to the gang. If not, just wait a few years. Plato wrote in “The Republic” that “[A]ny musical innovation is full of danger to the whole State, and ought to be prohibited.” While those words might seem harsh, I think many parents could list a few musicians or genres they would like that declaration to apply to. But is it necessary?

The disconnect in generational sensibilities can be felt quite directly in the disparate experience of music. Yet, music has the capacity to create and restore bonds with our children – only one among the many benefits of a life rich in sound. Listening to those crazy sounds and lyrics that hum through the kids’ ear buds is a window into their world.  What is the message of a particular piece of music?  What are the underlying themes and should we support those themes?  Are they healthy messages?  Do they promote a world in which we want to live or do they express emotions that we also experience?  There’s so much material in music that can help developing children explore critical thinking skills, morals, and healthy emotional responses.

Research on the benefits of music has been plentiful for years now. It has evolved past the somewhat limited view that playing Mozart for babies will make them smarter, thus creating a whole industry around the idea. While it is still true that the complexity and repeating lyrical themes of classical music appear to positively affect spatial reasoning skills, the theory that listening to Mozart in order to gain IQ points has been debunked. However, there are so many benefits to a life rich in music and some of them are as exciting as the Mozart Effect was back in the 90s.

Listening to music engages the many areas of the brain including “crossing the midline” or strengthening the connections between the two hemispheres known as the corpus callosum. This is one of the unique attributes that was found while studying the brain of Albert Einstein – he had a very large corpus callosum. He also played violin and regularly listened to music. What’s the big deal about this? The big deal is that the corpus callosum connects the motor, cognitive, and sensory areas in the two sides of the brain and that connectivity creates a more balanced experience in the various regions of the brain overall.

Here are some of the other incredible benefits that can be reaped from listening to music. Children’s perceptual abilities, numeration, and attentional skills are enhanced by music. They find outlets for their emotions and develop empathy through lyrics and the movements of the sound itself. Music can help children study for longer and attain better grades, improve their predictive skills, problem – solving, and memory. Add learning any musical instrument to the mix and the benefits go up even more.

In summary, the benefits of a life rich in music are well documented and many. So, even though we may pine away for a simpler day when lyrics were more simple to unravel or music was more … er … recognizable, it behoves us to jump in to the jungle of modern music and find out what drives our kids, help them organize their responses, and grow together.

Photos: Pixabay

Some of us may have already accepted that summer boredom is not only a thing, but it’s a good thing. As I wrote in a previous blog, boredom can not only help children find solutions to their own problems, but it also helps them discover their true inner life and perhaps even what drives them. But how to give them a little push towards this self-discovery?  Here are ten ideas for strategies to help those bored kids launch into something scintillatingly stimulating.

1. Idea jar. Buy a pack of small origami paper and write ideas on each slip, folding it neatly and putting into a clear jar with a ribbon or bow. When those kids come whining with a desperate glint in their eyes, just hand them the jar. Talk to the jar, kids.
2. Pick a sport. Sometimes the solutions are just so easy. Hand them a badminton set, a ball, or a scooter and send them out the door.
3. Build a fort. Who doesn’t have fond memories of creating secret snack depositories and wrestling matches inside a pile of old blankets and sheets? Just be ready to do some laundry (or, better, pass it onto the kids) after they spill their favorite drink into the fort because it was … ummm … holding up a major corner of the fort on some teetering edge of the furniture!
4. Clean your room. At first your child may groan at this idea, but reorganizing a room when bored can refresh and restore a sense of calm and excitement about the ideas that pop up when considering how to create the coolest room ever.
5. Make a career plan. A huge part of self – discovery is finding who we want our future selves to be. It may start as an idea of what we want to feel or how we could impact the world and grow from there into a career path. My daughter recently said she wanted to “help solve problems” as an adult. That conversation led her into finding diplomacy as a future job. Now she’s following all kinds of international diplomatic stories and offering her own solutions to issues that our top negotiators can’t seem to push forward. Time machine, anyone?
6. Write a letter. Many kids actually love to envision themselves as adults and anticipate what they might forget or need to know later on in life. A designated place for letters of this sort is ideal, and parents should resist the temptation to look without permission. We all dread reading those “Don’t ever become like Mom” notes. Spoiler alert, kids. You probably will.
7. Make a time capsule. While the kids are on the topic of their future selves, they might as well make a little package for themselves. Special trinkets, photos, or memories can go in to a decorated box or bottle with the note “Do not open until 2030.” That is a real year in the near future.
8. Make something gooey or squishy. Even the most self-respecting and mature teen can be captivated by a good old – fashioned batch of ooblek (cornstarch and water). There’s also lots of easy homemade clay and Play-Doh recipes out there they can bling out with glitter, dried flowers, essential oils and food color.
9. Plan and make a meal. Baking projects are awesome and great for learning fractions and heaps of science. Planning out a whole meal can be even more fun when armed with a computer and cravings for something new.  Your kids might even find a new weeknight staple.
10. Build something. Toothpick or cotton swab towers, recycled castles and secret boxes all come in handy and require plenty of problem – solving and creativity opportunities. Having an end use plan for the creations helps to keep those long projects out of the trash bin for a while. Cat castles, secret depositories and dreamscapes for figurines are all winning designs that the kids can use for a long time to come.

Hopefully these ideas are enough to jump start some interesting and probably messy work. Don’t forget to get them to agree to clean up afterwards! As for me, I’m going to support the diplomatic negotiations over what kind of cat castle can both include a drawbridge and accommodate teenage disdain for “totally weird” use of space.  Let the talks begin!

Photo: Adobe Stock