Newsflash: parenting is a real challenge. Whether you are raising five-year-olds who don’t yet understand anything or teenagers who are going through a rough adolescence, parenting is a full-time job, and a hard one at that. There’s no such thing as a perfect parent, but in my opinion, there are some principles that every parent should follow.

Trust

A child, no matter the age, wants their parents to be somebody they can confide in, somebody they can express their true feelings and sort out their problems with.

Knowing that your child can trust you is a huge accomplishment. If a parent doesn’t succeed at becoming their child’s best friend, things can get pretty difficult, and I’m speaking from personal experience. The child will probably begin to sneak and lie about certain things in hopes that the parent won’t care about what’s really going on. If you, as a parent, continually make promises and fail to keep them, your child will start hiding things from you. And when your kid tells you that something is a secret, they mean it. You should also celebrate the moment because that means they trust you enough to keep the secret. If they send you a video of them singing for example, and specifically tell you not to send it to anybody else, it’s pretty clear they won’t want you posting it on your WeChat Moments.

It’s the same the other way around. If you keep distrusting your child, regardless of whether they’ve given you a reason to or not, they’ll start feeling annoyed and depressed because their own parents don’t even believe them when they say something. Sooner or later, the child will begin to get into more and more trouble which is stressful for everyone. Nobody wants this for their child or family, so being there for your kid and becoming their accountable friend is one of the best things a parent can do.

Room to Grow

Parents have to let their children have space for themselves, and respect their thoughts and privacy, even if they disagree with them. Of course, this rule doesn’t apply if whatever your child is doing or thinking is actually dangerous or harmful, but if parents keep poking their noses into their children’s personal thoughts, then they have a very good reason to tell them that it’s “none of your business.” When it comes to social media, you will probably be able to see everything they post unless they block you. Sometimes they don’t care because they’re just sending pictures of them and their friends having a good time. But on other occasions, they are sending things that they only want their friends to see: personal things. Being an 11-year-old myself, I know that parents tend to ask their children about what they’re posting, why they’re posting it, and lecture about the consequences of the posts. They do that without realizing they’re not respecting their child’s privacy, and that they really are poking their noses into things that don’t concern them. So if you want to have a good relationship with your child, you will need to learn to respect them for their choices and actions.

Right and Wrong

Many parents think that everything they do is for their child’s own good, and most parents support their kids if they think it’s the right thing to do. But then again, different people have different perspectives regarding the meaning of the word ‘right’. The child’s idea of the right thing to do might not be the same as their parents’. Because of this, some parents think they’re supporting the kids and influencing them to do what’s right, but actually they might be stopping their dreams. On the other hand, parents will also often guide their kids in their choices, because they have more experience than us children, and that’s fine because it’s true.

Celebrate the Wins

Whenever your child achieves something, no matter how big or small, don’t hesitate to congratulate them and perhaps even give them presents and rewards. This will make them more determined to achieve even greater things. When your child fails, don’t scold them and make them cry. Instead, comfort them and try to see why they failed, then help them improve so they won’t fail again.

Show Don’t Tell

Most importantly of all, be a good role model for your kids. Lead by example. You should not show kids any bad things they shouldn’t do. For instance, it’s common sense that children are not supposed to fight, but if their parents are fighting in front of them, they will be influenced into thinking that it’s okay, when it’s not. Your kids always look up to you and try to do the things that you do, so setting a good example for your kids is a very important part of being a good parent.

Parenting in the best way possible is very difficult, and it will require a lot of different qualities. This short article is only a stepping stone on being a better parent to your kids, which is just my advice, but I hope that all parents and kids will try to improve themselves so that the entire family can be happy!

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Photos: Unsplash

This article appeared in the beijingkids 2020 August issue

Beijingkids has been an essential family resource for Beijing international families since 2006. And just as kids grow up in the blink of an eye, Beijing has grown and changed almost beyond recognition in that time. In Throwback Thursday we jump in the time machine, traveling through our 14 year-strong blog archives to dig out the most entertaining, fascinating, and thought-provoking stories for your reading pleasure. Ready? Let’s go…

How long have you been living in Beijing? A year? A month? A decade? Your entire life? Despite all the upheaval caused by the COVID-19 pandemic, there are still newcomers arriving in China or planning to do so as soon as borders open up, thus bringing a fresh wave of newcomers to the city: bright-eyed, bushy-tailed and possibly quite unaware of how things work around here.

I moved here almost two years ago, and looking back over that time it’s astonishing how much I have learned and changed. At the urging of my then-editor, I recorded my China progress with two articles, at the one-month mark, and after one full year. Now, I look back on those with wonder: I really didn’t have a clue. While I’m no China expert, many of the things that totally confounded me are now as easy as breathing. I wonder where I’ll be in another 12 months.

It’s always a lot of fun to look back and see how far we have come, and in the spirit of reflection and also helping out some newcomers to this weird and wonderful city, this week we are throwing back to July 2018, when we published the article “What I Wish I’d Known Before I Moved to Beijing, Part 1: “You Aren’t Supposed to Flush Toilet Paper!”

Enjoy!

“I wish I’d taken the time to learn more Chinese.”

To this, we’d also add: Mandarin is hard for English speakers, especially if you’ve not been learning it from a young age, so don’t beat yourself up if you’re not fluent overnight. But while there are plenty of English-language signs and a big community, there’s no doubt you’ll get a lot more out of your time here if you can chat with the locals and read a few hanzi (characters). Find a good teacher, learn words and characters, and take HSK tests so you can measure your progress.

“If you’re shipping stuff over, make sure you fill out the customs forms!”

This can seem like an irritating minor task when you have a hundred other things to think about preparing for your move. But if you don’t, expect to have your possessions held up at Customs, to have to make a trip out to the airport to sort the problem out, and to end up paying huge sums of money on import duties (often more than the goods are worth.) Any reputable shipping company should supply you with the forms. As so often in China, just do the paperwork, no matter how pointless and tedious it seems.

“Download WeChat and connect with parenting groups in advance. They are priceless for activity info and advice/help,” and “Try to have a bank card as soon as possible (if you want to join a big group in WeChat) in order to have access to expat groups very soon.”

See our WeChat Guide about how to do this. WeChat limits access to the bigger groups unless you have a bank card linked to your account, so it’s worth setting up a local bank account even if you don’t expect to use it much.

To continue reading the full article, click here.

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Images: Unsplash 

Let me start off by saying, if your thighs gap and don’t clap, this might not be the article for you!

But for those of us who are a bit curvier all around, summer is a time for outdoor brunches, dresses, shorts, and oh yeah, chub rub! Chub rub is just another term for chafing, particularly right between your thighs and in the soft tender bit of your arms. While chub rub sounds kind of cute, it can be super painful, and feel like your skin is ripped off your body piece by piece, leaving you with patches of red rashes that don’t heal for days.

At five months pregnant I’m feeling big, everywhere… My hands, feet, and ankles are swollen, and my legs have started to resemble tree trunks. And on particularly nice sunny days with low AQI when a nice walk around town would usually be nothing but bliss, the heat, and humidity of Beijing makes it impossible to walk more than 10 minutes without the irritation of the chub rub stopping me dead in my tracks.

Most pregnant women will gain between 25-35 pounds during their pregnancy (the jianbing and midnight hot pot cravings definitely don’t help) and this weight gain is one of the causes of increased thigh chafing. Weight gain can also cause chafing even in women who’ve never experienced it before. So, sisters, you’re not alone! Luckily, I’ve learned a few handy tips on how to reduce and manage this painful side-effect of my pregnancy.

How to Prevent Chub Rub

Who Wears Short Shorts

While it’s not as breezy to wear pregnancy spanks under your cute maternity dress, the added layer of fabric from these control underwear helps to prevent skin-on-skin rubbing. Retire the pre-pregnancy spanks that help you suck in your belly for after you deliver and invest in some pregnancy spanks that leave room for your growing baby bump. On Taobao, they cost about RMB 30 a pair. Look up 孕妇短裤 on Taobao for a wide range of shorts from spanks to bike shorts to cute summer short shorts.

Lather On The Oils

Massage oils, Vaseline, and lotions are a good way to eliminate friction. Depending on what you use and how active you are, it may only need to reply every few hours. Just choose your lotion bottles wisely: you don’t want to risk a big bottle of massage oil spilling in your purse, and while Vaseline might sound like a great idea when you’re packing your purse at home in the morning, if you’re planning to spend a day outside in the sun, it’s no match for Beijing’s relentless summer. If you’re out in the sun, that little jar of petroleum jelly will melt in no time.

Powder Dry

Another approach to reducing friction is to eliminate moisture on your skin by using talcum powder. Talc is a soft, naturally occurring mineral that’s used in baby powder, makeup, and deodorant. It’s one of the most comfortable hacks against chub rub since it doesn’t leave your skin feeling oily. The downside to talcum powder is reapplying it when you’re out and about. Oh, and accidentally drop a dab of white talcum powder on your black pants and you’ll be dealing with the headache of an impromptu dry cleaning over a hutong squatty potty.

No Sweat

A clean and highly portable alternative to either talc or lotion is a slick of antiperspirant deodorant. Easy to carry and very unlikely to spill, it reduces sweat and increases glide, and can be an absolute lifesaver on a hot day.

What to Do Once You’ve Been Victimized by Chub Rub

Sometimes, there’s just no avoiding it. Here’s what to do if you’ve been stricken by painful chafing.

1. Use a mild cleanser on the area, and don’t scrub. Using harsh soaps can aggravate your chafed skin and make the situation a lot worse. Wash gently with warm water and a pH-neutral body wash or soap.
2. Switch up your wardrobe. Wear soft, breathable cotton clothing during the day, and breathable cotton pajamas. This protects your thighs from further irritation.
3. Moisturize. Use plain Vaseline to soothe, protect, and heal the raw skin. Avoid creams with fragrance or fancy ingredients as they will likely irritate you more.
4. Invest in anti-chafing shorts. Learn your lesson and prevent yourself from chafing in the future.
5. Call your doctor. If the chafing isn’t getting better, you may have an infection. When the skin is broken, yeast and bacteria can settle in and you may have to use a medicated cream.

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Photos: Unsplash, Mariah Aro Sharp @mightymooseart