Living in Beijing while in a mixed cultural relationship has its challenges at times. What might be completely normal to your partner can be odd and strange to you. In the past few months, I’ve come across a whole different set of cultural difference that has driven me to the brink of insanity at times – the “aunties”.

First off, let me explain what an “auntie” is. Ayi isn’t just a word you call your housekeeper. It’s basically a generic term for an older woman and it means auntie. You don’t need to be related to them to call them aunties. Basically, any older Chinese woman is an auntie and for some reason, many of them will feel entitled to dish out life advice and criticism like it’s their full-time job, especially when it comes to your pregnancy and how you plan on raising your baby.

I’m Chinese-American and critical aunties aren’t even a new concept to me. I’ve just never experienced it to this extent until recently.

When it comes to pregnancy, there are a ton of local customs that the older generation accepted as norms and some will insist that they get passed down. Never mind that the last time they were pregnant was over 40 years ago and maybe, just maybe, things have changed a tad bit since then.

When I first started getting unsolicited auntie advice I’d still take the time to explain why I’d be doing things differently. But after eight months, I’ve resorted to just nodding along. In one ear and out the other as they say.

The Yuezi and Yuesao

Yuezi (月子) is the Chinese tradition of ‘sitting the month’. While medical professionals around the world all recommend new moms to take it easy right after giving birth, the old traditions include not brushing your teeth for a month, not showering or washing your hair for a month, not eating anything that’s heavily seasoned, not going outside the entire time, and following a very specific menu that’s supposed to help you recover.

A yuesao (月嫂) is a nanny whose sole purpose is to help take care of the new mom and baby during the first month. I’m not sure if this speaks to the impression of my capability as a soon-to-be mom, but when I’d tell any auntie that I had no intention of hiring a yuesao I would be met with shock and disbelief. “You can’t do it on your own” they’d tell me. Um, sorry, but yuesao is a concept that’s only become mainstream in China in recent decades. In the past, new couples would ask for the assistance of parents or (shocking…) take care of their own babies themselves. Women around the world have been taking care of their own babies for generations. Why is it that all of a sudden babies born in Beijing need their own full-time nanny to survive the first month?

Shaving It All off (Eyebrows Included)

Now that I’m getting closer to my due date, the really strange advice is coming in. One auntie was insistent that I shave my daughter’s head and eyebrows so that they grow back thicker and fuller. There’s not a single person in either mine or my husband’s side of the family who’ve got thick hair. Where do I even begin explaining the science behind inherited genetic traits to an 80-something-year-old?

It’s a Girl? Try Again

This one bothered me the most. We, as women, have not been fighting for equal rights just so that our daughters can be considered a consolation prize even before birth. The old Chinese generation tends to prefer boys. The most irritating comments from aunties (and old uncles) are having them tell me “it’s ok, girls are good too” or “it’s ok, you’re still young. You can try again, and maybe next time it’ll be a boy.”

Some older people still hold on to the idea that boys bring pride to the family because boys can pass down the family name. This gender bias isn’t just outdated, it’s dangerous. In China, this gender bias from the previous generations has led to an unbalanced sex ratio of birth and a shortage of women.

Pointy Belly Means Boy

I’ve completely given up arguing with aunties about this. Each pregnancy is different and each woman carries their baby differently. My baby bump is gigantic and “pointy” which, according to locals means that it must be a boy. Nevermind that we’ve already been told that we’re having a daughter by the ultrasound technician… I used to correct aunties when they tell me it’s a boy, but after I was met with upset looks and comments like “doctors don’t always know”, I’ve completely given up. Boy? Girl? I don’t care anymore, predict what you want…

Dirty Diapers Are the Wife’s Job

To be fair, this one hasn’t happened too often, but I have been told by more than one auntie that when the baby’s born I’m going to be super busy because it’s the mom’s job to take care of the baby. Husbands shouldn’t have to help. The first time an auntie had the audacity to say this to me, before I could gather together my limited Chinese vocabulary to argue, my husband stepped in and told her that in today’s Chinese society marriages no longer work like that and he’s looking forward to taking care of his daughter and his wife. I knew I married a good one…

Nice Tits

The last time my boobs got so much unwanted attention was probably in college during spring break in the Canary Islands on a nude beach… but now instead of drunk college boys, it’s old Beijing aunties and their super awkward “nice big boobs. You’ll make a lot of milk” comments. Thanks, glad I can check “verbally violated and made to feel like a cow by a stranger” off my bucket list…

KEEP READING: From Here to Maternity: Moms in Mixed-Culture Marriages Talk About Birth and Beyond

Images: Unsplash

Whether it be romantic or platonic, personal relationships influence who you become. They are the foundations for an individual’s happiness and health, and healthy relationships with friends and family fill our days with liveliness and entertainment. We asked a few expats in Beijing to give us insight on the best relationship advice they have ever gotten.

Billy Jin
General Manager of Grand Mercure Beijing Dongcheng

“Every individual is special therefore we need to respect that and treat each friend differently.”

Mina Yan
Managing Editor at Beijingkids

“One of my favorite pieces of relationship advice comes from my best friend from high school. During my last trip home, we met up for dinner to catch up and while on the topic of our relationships, I spilled the beans on the small things that my husband does that gets on my nerves; one of them being how he always throws his laundry halfway into the basket. After I was done she looked at me like I was crazy and said ‘if that’s your biggest concern in your relationship then you need to chill the f*ck out and get over it. No one is perfect in every way, yourself included, but if they’ve got the qualities that actually matter in a long term partner, then we need to chill out and not sweat the small stuff.’ “

Camilla Kongshavn Jovanovic
Mompreneur

“100% transparency. There are no secrets, no judgments. To be able to be open and honest with each other about everything is liberating.”

Tim Coghlan
Beijingkids Board Member, Global Marketing and PR at Xiaomi Technology

“Marry someone smarter than you. Someone who will help you grow and make you a better person.  All couples, but especially mixed culture couples should sit down and find a third party (counselor type) to help if needed and talk through potential future issues before getting married like; will older parents move in with the family? Will you financially support them? What are your education and child-rearing philosophies? Are grandparents full time careers? Where will you live in five, 10, 20 years, and how will you care for parents if you live in another country? And despite all the advice, there is a lot of sh*t and struggle in relationship to go through, this year has brought the worst of it too”

Patrick Fok
Journalist, Feature Story News

“Don’t go to bed before resolving an argument. But I’m not sure if that was good advice… it’s kept me up late many times!”

Tara Gillan
Director of Early Years at Beijing International Bilingual Academy (BIBA)

“Don’t underestimate the importance of self-love. You are responsible for your own happiness and well-being.”

Alessia Chizzoniti
Founder and Director of Blossom Montessori

As much as I love my friends, I never seek advice about my relationship. I may be wrong, but I think that we do not have the same backgrounds, experiences, feelings etc… and relationships are too delicate for such sharing. Having said that, this is from ‘On Marriage’, a poem by Kahil Gibran and it sums up my point of view:”

“Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

KEEP READING: Do Your Kids Think You’re Cool?

Photos: Courtesy of parents, Beatriz Pérez Moya on Unsplash

This article appeared in the beijingkids 2020 September issue

When we heard that there was a Texan restaurant that serves large portions and combines down to earth comfort food and good old fashioned fun with the Beijing city view, we just had to put it to the test. Tagging along for their date night, we joined Texan couple Tom and Clare Starobynski for a night of good food, drinks, relationship advice, and bull riding! Yeehaw!

At first glance, you get a mixed vibe walking into Rodeo Connection. On one hand, its location on the 26th floor of Junhao Central Park Plaza means you can enjoy the posh Beijing skyline above all the hustle and bustle. But on the other hand, the centerpiece of the restaurant, which you notice the moment you walk in is the giant mechanical bull standing smack dab in the middle. It’s clearly a restaurant created by people who love to drink and party, for people who love to drink and party.

Seated by the window overlooking the city all the way to Sanlitun, the Starobynskis dished on their 18-year marriage while digging into some BBQ favorites. Starting off the night was Rodeo’s snack selection (RMB 198), whose name doesn’t do it justice. They say everything’s bigger in Texas, well, this is one starter that doesn’t disappoint. The “plate” is essentially a long wooden plank filled with onion rings, spicy chicken wings, fish fillet, shrimp, nachos, potato wedges, a bit of salad, and, according to Tom, the best calamari he’s ever had in China.

Next, the Starobynski’s date night took a fiery turn with a Rodeo Connection classic, the flaming Roasted Pork Ribs (RMB 388), a whole roasted rack of fall-off-the-bone tender pork ribs, topped with mozzarella cheese, and set ablaze at your table with a lashing of Rum151. While the ribs are finger-lickin’ good and ever so cool to photograph, don’t get too close, because nothing will ruin a date night faster than singed eyebrows.

The Starobynskis finish off their date night with a nightcap drink, sort of. The latest addition to the Rodeo Connection menu is known as the Food Safari (RMB 298) and the wild name should have been an indication of what was to come. What arrived at the table was one gigantic glass of rum and Coke garnished with an entire roast chicken, a full-size pulled pork burger, a mini slider, a hot dog, a kebab, onion rings, fried shrimp, and buffalo wings. Is it a drink or is it a meal for two? We’re still not 100% sure. But we are sure that this is definitely one for the food pic album and a very fun addition to the evening.

After 18 years of marriage and four children together, the Starobynskis have a lot of relationship knowledge up their sleeves, and their “how we met” story is like the plot of a Hallmark movie. The two caught each other’s eye at a Christmas party back when they were just 14 years old and decades of friendship, love, marriage, and children later, their relationship is as strong as ever. Their secrets? “Always, always have each others’ backs, never put your partner down to others,” Tom tells us. No matter where you are, whether living in your hometown or venturing across the world and settling in Beijing, your partner is your best companion and you need to tackle life together, as a team.

“Always date your husband or wife,” says Clare. Even after you’ve been married for years. And one of the most true-to-life pieces of advice that every mature relationship should take note of is to “learn to love the things you don’t like about your partner. As long as your partner has the most important quality to you, that is what matters.” You’ll never find a person who’s perfect in every way, who’ll never annoy you, and never ever say the wrong thing. But Disney princes don’t exist in real life, and even if they did, I’m sure Prince Charming’s bound to leave the toilet seat up every now and then. As long as your partner has the qualities you value most, the rest is easy peasy.

Before heading home, the Starobynskis took on one more of life’s challenges together as a team – their first (and possibly last) mechanical bull ride! Rodeo Connection is all about having a great time, so if you’re amped up on liquid courage, or finally giving in to sheer curiosity, their mechanical bull is ready to give you a ride of a lifetime and one heck of an evening to remember.

Rodeo Connection
26/F Tower A1, Junhao Central Park,Chaoyang District
朝阳区骏豪中央公园广场A1座26楼
Ph: 5361 0666 / 17801772070

KEEP READING: From Santorini to Beijing, 19 Years and Still Madly in Love

Photos: Uni You

This article appeared in the beijingkids 2020 September issue

Today, in the spirit of QiXi, also known as ‘Chinese Valentine’s Day’, we’re sharing some practical love advice.

You’ve traveled far and wide and made a life for yourself in Beijing. You’ve gotten to know the city and as fortune would have it, you’ve met the love of your life here – a local Beijinger. You can’t wait to spend the rest of your lives together and you’ve popped the big question.

But first things first, how do you go about tying the knot?

Your Chinese partner needs to fill out the proper paperwork wherever his or her hukou is registered. If they’re a Beijing local, great, a simple trip across town would do. If they’re from a different part of China then they’d need to return to their hometown to complete the paperwork. Along with their hukou they’d also need to be able to present their birth certificate and a health certificate that they obtain in a local nearby hospital.

Before moving onto the next step, you and your partner need to obtain a certificate of marriageability. While it has a funny name, the certificate serves to prove that you’re not married to anyone else in any other country. For foreigners, this is usually obtained at your embassy after you fill out an affidavit. If this isn’t the first time down the aisle for one or both of your, you’d also need to be able to present your original divorce certificate in order to tie the knot. If yours isn’t in Chinese, you’ll need to find a translation service that’ll be able to provide you with an official translated copy.

Then, you’ll need to have headshots ready. Like passport photos, these can be taken at any photo studio in the city and will need to be done in front of a red backdrop. When you go to get these done, tell the photographer when you’re getting them for and if they offer to give you some minor Photoshop touchups, well, why not? These are the photos going on your marriage certificate that’ll last for the rest of your lives.

Now with all your documents ready, you’re off to an unromantic registration. Don’t expect a gorgeous white hall with flowers. The Civil Affairs Bureau (民政局) is the same place where they process both divorces and marriages. While you and your partner might be giddy with excitement, the couple next to you could be there for the exact opposite reason.

You’re ushered into a small office and after presenting all your documents, the foreigner partner is likely to be asked the awkward question “are you entering into this marriage willingly?” along with the more mundane questions of verifying the information on the documents you’ve just submitted. Take it from me, this isn’t the time to be funny! Just answer the question you’re asked, and save your jokes for later.

After the brief interview and all your paperwork has been processed, you’ll be presented with your newly minted marriage certificates (one for each partner) and be ushered to a backdrop to take your official first photos as a legally married couple. Congratulations!

In fact, the paperwork for becoming a legally married couple in China is relatively simple. It’s the cultural clashes of everyday life that come after that are the real challenges. Back in 2012, the beijinger writer Scott Kronick shared 10 handy tips for a cross-cultural marriage in China, tips he’d painstakingly accumulated after more than 10 years of married bliss. We’re republishing his words of wisdom below.

Enjoy!

Tip #1: When you decide to marry and are told you must pay a dowry to her family, do not complain, especially if the expense is less than the cost of a high-quality pig. Years ago, the traditional dowry consisted of sewing machines, bicycles, and other varied gifts, so if you are asked to just hand over cash, don’t think twice. Also, don’t try to negotiate. That is not a good way to begin a marriage. In fact, if you really want to get off on the right foot, offer to double down.

Tip #2: During preparations for the wedding, don’t complain about the day that you spend taking pictures. Be thankful that you only have to change costumes ten times instead of 20. Get some rest because you may have to pose chasing your future wife up a grassy hill, hair flowing in the wind. Enjoy this exercise. You will appreciate the experience 18 years later when you look lovingly at your wife, who, by the way, has not aged nearly half as much as your sorry self.

Tip #3: Don’t complain about the “six gold gifts” that you must present upon your engagement. The gourmet candy and cookies that are shared with relatives, friends, and colleagues represent the appreciation you have for your soon-to-be bride. This candy/cookie tradition goes back generations, underlining the importance of the announcement that a daughter would be married, and back then there were few divorces. The sharing of sweets is a symbol for the future of your relationship. I suggest you avoid giving candy such as Sour Patch Kids or sour balls.

Tip #4: When discussing plans for having children, go beyond common questions such as “How many kids do you want?” If you don’t ask about basic beliefs about childrearing – such as when the children will “touch earth” after being carried around for their first two years of life, or rocking your child and patting their back vs. letting them cry themselves to sleep – they could become topics of contention once the baby arrives. As for the Chinese tradition of zuo yuezi (literally translated as “sitting out a month”), the month-long period of recuperation after your wife delivers, don’t zuo yuezi along with her. Your weight won’t go away as fast as your wife’s.

Tip #5: Don’t argue unnecessarily about right and wrong or whose culture is better than the other. There are too many gray areas in life, and most of these arguments don’t lead to any positive result. Don’t have a math contest. Don’t try to count money faster than your spouse. If your wife is a black belt in judo or any other form of martial arts, don’t ask her to prove it to you.

Tip #6: When going to a movie and snacking on popcorn, don’t comment about the dried fish your wife chooses to eat. If your wife desires to eat stinky tofu or durian fruit, smile. Don’t plug your nose or make some snide comment about how horrible they smell. Just politely decline to take part in their consumption.

Tip #7: If you are overweight and your wife is in great shape, don’t argue about health-related issues. Don’t be sarcastic when she talks about “hot” and “cold” foods, and don’t comment when she refuses to let you drink cold water. And if she tells you to walk around after you eat dinner instead of plopping down on the couch, walk! Don’t walk to the couch and count the steps. That doesn’t work.

Tip #8: Don’t joke about ghosts. There are hotels throughout China, Hong Kong, and Taiwan that are home to many ghosts. If you make fun of them, you could put yourself in harm’s way.

Tip #9: If your kid has a sniffle and your wife wants to take him or her to the hospital, just do it. It is easier than arguing and will save you a lifetime of guilt if something else really is wrong. If the doctor looks like he or she is older than your grandparents, they probably are. In China, this means that they are very experienced and have seen many patients in their day.

Tip #10: For true marital bliss, if you are asked for your opinion or point of view, be sure you consider all angles before responding. Sometimes it is best to respond to such a question with this: ”What do you think?” And then agree. That will save you a lot of arguments. Think about the following statement, which my wife shared with me early in our marriage to avoid all confrontation: “If a tree falls in the woods, and no one hears it, let’s just be clear … it’s your fault.”

KEEP READING: Casanova in Beijing – The Affair That Ended my Marriage

Photos: Pexels, Unsplash