Now that we don’t need three extra layers to leave our homes, there will be more chances to get outside and play! This time of year is ideal for good old nature play. But did you know that self-directed outdoor exploration is just as important for kids as classroom learning? It doesn’t have to look the same, however, and parents shouldn’t try to replicate the teacher-student relationship for a successful learning experience out in nature.

I am often guilty of stunting my child’s learning because I want to be sure we’re learning “correctly,” and I’m not entirely confident in my own knowledge on that subject. It got to the point where if I say I don’t know the answer to a question, my kids reply, “Just ask Google, Mommy.” And sure, I can type in a few keywords and tell them an answer, but when we’re outside, children are their own best teachers, and we can follow along as their co-teachers.

“Parents need to rethink childhood,” says Parityada Punthapong, co-founder and director of Outdoor School Bangkok. Likewise, Kelly Goddard, founder of Forest Adventure Club in Singapore would agree. “We see so many planned activities, with endless provided resources, time boundaries and goal-oriented tasks, basically parents trying to lead play,” she says. “When adults lead, influence, or take over a child’s play they are violating the basic principles of play being self-chosen and self-directed by the child. When children lose the freedom to explore openly, the experience loses its meaning…When and if a child needs us, we are there.”

That’s how Marina Robb, founder and managing director of Circle of Life Rediscovery Community Interest Company and The Outdoor Teacher Ltd, also describes it. And in a way, that can also help parents feel good about not always needing to “learn” or have a “lesson” for all of a child’s play: “We are creating open questions where we listen and value the children’s perspective, encouraging where necessary to extend their thinking or physical development. A human needs to feel loved and one of the ways of showing this as adults is to try to not close them down with your ‘knowledge’ but rather to open them up to possibilities.”

It’s still hard to release what we feel is our responsibility as parents, and here is where the concept of “scaffolding” a child’s learning comes into play – pun intended. It’s the easiest way to help a parent take a step back and allow the child to discover their own questions – and often their own answers.

What is Scaffolding?

Scaffolding as a teaching technique is exactly what its namesake makes you imagine: Rather than leading a child through their learning towards a specific end, parents can simply be there to support and elevate a child based on what they want to learn and where they show curiosity.

Allison McGilligan is a credentialed Forest School teacher in Malaysia, and she uses the example of encouraging a child to climb a tree to explain scaffolding.

• The biggest thing is allowing them to climb a tree, accepting that there may be an element of risk, age-appropriate risk.
• Say yes, have a go. And they probably won’t be able to do it without your help.
• Ask “How could you go up into that tree?” So you’re scaffolding their problem solving, you’re scaffolding their executive function of falling down a tree, or rolling down a hill, or picking something out of a puddle, but you need to give them the freedom to do that.
• The science behind this play process will tell you that a child needs something like a minimum of two hours of uninterrupted play for these synapses to connect in their brain, for that neurological pathway to evolve so that they learn from their experience and the next time they go do it, they will do it in a safer way.
• We only say “Be careful” if we see there is imminent danger.  Instead, try “Oh, what do you notice about the tree that means you are going to have to keep yourself really safe when you’re climbing it today?”
• We’re giving the responsibility back to the child. And they can notice the detail. They can sit in nature and focus on one thing.
• We don’t tell, we support.
• We observe and then reflect on what we see the children are interested in.
• The skill of the educator is to weave in numeracy and phonics, into the color, sounds, and literacy development.

It’s much more fun to be a co-learner, McGilligan says, than try to know more than the child about everything in nature. She suggests allocating a shelf for their nature treasures, investing in one or two books based on the child’s interests, and do less online research and more offline research.

This way of learning may not fit the standard societal concept of what a classroom is or should be, but gives children “an incredibly diverse sensory environment that promotes embodied understanding,” says Robb. “Starting life with confidence in your ability to discover, be risky enough to move your learning and development forward is a valuable foundation for later cognitive development.  We forget that top businesses are looking for team-building, problem-solving, creative abilities, and emotional intelligence, which start from a good play-based direct confidence in the world.”

Beyond mental health and learning, playing outdoors also has more long-term benefits than we might realize. Goddard believes that “The better connected with the outdoors children are, the more inclined and passionate they will be to respect and protect our natural world for themselves and future generations.”

And that’s a result worth exploring.

Some app suggestions to aid in co-teaching/co-learning:

NSS Bird Guide
Nature Passport
Weather
iNaturalist

Images: Cindy Marie Jenkins, Kelly Goddard, Canva

This article appeared in the jingkids 2021 March issue

Golden Rule: Parents should not shout at, or fight with, each other in front of their children.

Golden Fact: It happens. A lot.

Hands up if you have never disagreed with, or raised your voice to your partner in front of your kids. Well, if you haven’t, then you may be eligible for a Pope-approved Sainthood.

For the rest of us, however, let’s have a chat.

Conflicts and misunderstandings in a marriage are as commonplace as breathing. They range from: “You sit in front of that TV for hours, when are we ever going to go out?” to “Your mum wants to move in with us? But my best friend already occupyies our spare room!” and even the more serious ones like, “Who is Lauren and why is she calling you at 3am?”

What’s more, seemingly never-ending Covid-19 lockdowns and quarantines have further thrown a spanner in the marriage workshop, such that even the most chilled-out, solid, loving partner’s patience has been tested to the max. But should we be outing our marriage struggles in front of the children?

The toll that spousal fighting has on children is scientifically well-documented. Kids who grow up around parents that are constantly at each others’ throats tend to have increased levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. Some may be unable to concentrate in class, suffer from low self-esteem, or have a higher risk of developing a substance dependency or eating disorder. Thus, it’s no wonder that exposing children to a volatile domestic situation is officially classified as child abuse.

However, not all disagreements are created equal, and the kinds of fights that could cause these potentially damaging effects are physically aggressive fights, hostile disagreements with raised voices, or disagreements that end with spouses giving each other the “silent treatment” for days on end.

The fighting ground rules:

Naturally, the best thing would be to not fight at all. But, easier said than done, right? So, if you really have to, there are ways to minimize the effects it can have on your children;

• Generally speaking, it’s pretty easy to tell if an argument has the potential to blow up. For example, taking out a loan without the other partner’s knowledge, gambling away the children’s college fund, cheating on your partner… suffice to say, these conversations don’t usually end well. So, don’t even start them in front of your children in the first place. Save them for a time when the kids are out of sight and earshot.
• Try to be courteous and respectful to each other and avoid name-calling while in front of the kids (granted, if he or she cheated on you or gambled the college tuition, name-calling is hard to avoid).
• Instead of name-calling, try using your partner’s real name or a pet name. Addressing the other person with his or her name innately shows that you respect them.
• In the heat of the moment, it’s easy for things to escalate beyond our control. Avoid threatening or potentially harmful behavior like throwing things. Before the argument gets to this point, one partner should leave the room, and ultimately diffuse the situation.
• Don’t talk over each other. Take turns speaking so that each person has space to be heard and validated.
• Under no circumstances should one of you talk about the other with your children. You never look good trying to make someone else look bad, especially if that someone is their father or mother. Likewise, don’t ever ask or force them to chose sides.
• If children happen to hear your raised voices, make it clear to them that they are not the reasons for the issues being discussed.

Disagreements are part of any relationship and some experts suggest that it isn’t always a bad thing if kids witness the occasional conflict between their parents. Having constructive disagreements in front of developing minds could serve as teachable moments which help them learn social skills like empathy and cooperation. But only as long as these disagreements are not repetitive experiences, as long as the parents stay respectful of one another, and as long as the children can see that the disagreement is resolved in a healthy, positive way.

None of these “strategies” are ever easy and they require constant practice. No two people are inherently compatible or without fault. We all simply learn “on the job.” But once this incompatibility turns into flying pots and pans, police being called, or physical harm, it’s time to seek help from a professional – a professional counselor or divorce lawyer, that is!

KEEP READING: Post-Covid Anxiety in Children

Photos: pexels

Most kids today participate in some form of “mommy and me class” prior to a more structured school. For some parents, it’s a rite of passage to spend Saturdays snapping pictures of their child shaking a maraca or covered in finger paint! These are incredible memories shared with grandparents and friends and make great additions to both baby books and Instagram feeds.

It’s also an opportunity. The first five years form your child’s educational blueprint.  Everything they learn after that will be retained and utilized or discarded and forgotten based on how their brain is developing right now. Yet every year, without fail, there is at least one parent in my class who will utter in consternation, “But they are just playing!”

This is so much more than just playing! Your toddlers’ brains are a miracle of human evolution and what they are learning in that music or art class may be the most impactful lessons of their lives. So allow me to be your personal Willie Wonka as we tour the magical chocolate factory that is your child’s mind on art and music!

Shake Baby Shake

I personally love music for music’s sake. I believe it is incredibly important for social and cultural understanding and frankly, it’s just fun! But as an educator, music is absolutely essential. Hundreds of studies have been done that tell us several things about how the human brain responds to music.

Actively interacting with music, not just listening to it but singing, dancing, and/or playing an instrument does something very unique: it lights up the entire brain at the same time. According to an ongoing study from the University of Central Florida, when you sing, dance, or play an instrument you are “improving cognitive and motor skills, spatial-temporal learning and neurogenesis.” In other words, music classes actually help your child create neurons and then allow those neurons to connect, forming neuron networks which are the building blocks for future learning. This is why interactive participation, instead of a teacher simply playing the guitar and singing to the kids, is so important. By playing and singing with us, the kids are building these neuron clusters.

But it goes even deeper than that. At a certain point, usually around age eight to 10 years, the brain does a neuron dump. It gets rid of any neurons that have not been used enough to form strong neuron networks. Different genres of music actually help a child’s brain form different neuron networks across multiple brain regions. So, by exposing children to lots of diverse complex music, we are naturally helping their mind form and strengthen so they hang on to more of these mental building blocks. That is going to help them learn, retain, and access more information later in life.

Don’t believe me? I can explain how a bill becomes a law, name all 50 states in alphabetical order, and recite the top six New York Times headlines every year from 1949-1969 but I had a hard time remembering what three things I needed at the grocery store this afternoon…why? Because School House Rock, Ray Charles, and Billy Joel don’t write anthems about my need for milk, eggs, and spinach.

The best part about all of this? You can start this learning process as early as six months old! So, crank up the classical music but make sure they are also getting reggae and Celtic and jazz and show tunes… oh, and stick a maraca or a rhythm stick in their hands!

Now Get Messy

Ok, remember all those neurons we made in music class? They need a place to go! They need neural pathways, and art can help form those! Every time your child has a new tactile experience, like playing with playdough or finger painting, their brain forms a neural pathway. Repetition of that experience makes the pathway stronger and wider. So, if you think of a neuron like a car, the pathway is a road. The more roads you have, the more places the car can go and if more of those roads are concrete six-lane highways instead of dirt paths, your cars can move faster and more efficiently. By letting your child get messy in art you are actually allowing their mind to build a state-of-the-art information superhighway.

Art is also fantastic for fine motor skills and creative problem solving, which is another article’s worth of information. But I think my favorite thing about watching young children in art is it gives them a sense of agency and an opportunity to express themselves.

Our smallest students have opinions but their lack of language at 14 months or two years means all too often they don’t get to tell us what those opinions are. And that is frustrating for them. But in art, if they want their duck to be purple or their fish to have seven eyes or their snowman to be a puddle, it’s ok! I’m constantly reminding parents it’s about the process, not the product. We don’t correct a child’s art because there is no “correct” way to create it. Can you imagine if someone had told Picasso the nose doesn’t go there?!

Once children get a little older, we can also start working on the idea of collaboration and cooperation through art. Large group projects teach children they can work together as a community to make something bigger and better than any one of us could have done alone. That ability to recognize you can be a unique individual within a group that works towards a common goal is a hallmark of successful people all over the world.

Thus, Concludes the Lesson

I’m not trying to take the fun out of your baby classes. Just the opposite! Both music and art release dopamine in the brain so they make the process of learning pleasurable. Education should be fun and engaging and you should absolutely revel in every moment of this special time with your child. But don’t sell these experiences short because they are entertaining. They are vital to your child’s health and well-being and are setting them up to love learning for the rest of their lives.

So next time you see your children keeping a steady beat to your Spotify station, or scribbling faces in their pasta sauce at dinner, remind yourself, they are not “just playing”, they are building their brains!

KEEP READING: Is It Ever Ok to Discipline Someone Else’s Child?

Images: Unsplash

This article appeared in the beijingkids 2020 October issue

It’s a perfectly peaceful afternoon. The sun is warm, the breeze is cool and you sit on the bench with one eye scanning this month’s book club pick and the other watching your five-year-old happily entertain themself on the playground. Suddenly earsplitting screams shatter the bucolic silence. You look over to see your angel in an epic struggle with another child for their prized dump truck!

Instinct and your alter ego “super parent” take over as you go to rescue your little one and their property. The other child’s parent is nowhere in sight….

This is a common (if overdramatized) situation with a sticky question attached. Is it ever ok to discipline someone else’s child? Most of us agree that if a child is in danger or causing serious damage, we should step in. But what about the situations where the stakes and the consequences aren’t quite so high?

There are as many answers to that question as there are parenting blogs and no simple solutions. Each situation is unique and needs to be navigated with the diplomacy of a UN ambassador and the skill of Mary Poppins.

The following tips won’t work in every scenario but assuming there is no hitting or violence involved, here are a few tools that have helped me resolve issues ranging from toy theft to swing hogging and name-calling.

You’d be surprised how often kids can advocate for their own safety.

Give Peace a Chance

The instinct is always to advocate for your child, but I am often amazed by how well children can solve issues with each other if given a little space. Several years ago, I was on playground duty and watched a preschooler try to pull a ball away from her friend. I was halfway across the yard to impart an important lesson on sharing when I heard the aggrieved child say, “I don’t like it when you take! Wait your turn please!” Her confidence stopped me in my tracks. Within a few moments, they had agreed to play together and negotiated equitable terms that any diplomatic advisor would have envied. Had I been standing closer and intervened, I would have unwittingly robbed that little girl of the opportunity to state clear boundaries and the other child the chance to respect them.

Obviously, this won’t always work out, but if it doesn’t look like the situation is dangerous, try giving the children a few beats to sort it out for themselves. They might surprise you.

Remember You Are Dealing With a Child Not a Criminal Offender

If you do have to intervene and the other parent can’t or won’t get involved, remember the other child is not the enemy (even if they made your little one cry).  They are a kid who is still developing impulse control and is trying to figure out the world and social boundaries. Try not to yell or shame them; and it should go without saying, that you should never put your hands on another person’s child.

This is a learning moment for everyone. You want your child to be able to clearly but compassionately stand up for themselves and you want both children to learn to respect other people’s bodies, property, and feelings. There may also be extenuating circumstances or special needs of which you are not aware, so approach them with the same kindness and understanding you would want for your own family.

Be the Calm in the Middle of Their Storm

If you had to step in, emotions are running high for both little ones so enter the fray with serene, loving authority. As long as no hitting, biting, or general kid-on-kid violence has occurred, try to get them to express their feelings: “How did you feel when they took your ball? Ok, tell them.” Try and get the other child to express what it was they wanted and guide them towards the realization that there may be a more effective way to get it in the future. Once everyone feels heard and understood, you will be surprised how naturally apologies and forgiveness flow.

As someone who has guided more of these interactions then I can count, I know this method is more time consuming and exhausting than simply removing the offending toy and shooing the other child away. But wouldn’t our world be a lot better if more adults had the skill set to resolve issues with words? That is learned in childhood!

Address the Behavior Not the Child

Your issue is not with the child but with the behavior in which they choose to engage. Avoid value judgments like calling the child “bad” or “mean” and deal directly with the issue by giving the behavior real-world consequences. For example, “I know you were upset but when you call someone a name it hurts their feelings, and then they can’t play with you anymore.” Give the child an opportunity to correct the behavior by giving an apology and finding a better way to verbalize their feelings in the future.

Be Empathetic to the Other Parent

You will need to tell the other adult what happened and how you handled the situation.  Hopefully, they will be understanding and agree with the way you reacted. If they apologize, make sure you accept graciously with a ‘kids will be kids’ attitude. You never know when you might be on the other side of the conversation because your child had a bad day and overstepped social boundaries.

If the parent seems disengaged, unapologetic, or even aggressive try not to respond in kind. It can be easy to blame the other adult for “bad parenting” in these situations but jumping to conclusions can create an entirely new conflict. If there is a disagreement, talk it out and try to find a common ground for how you both should handle issues in the future, especially if your children will be playing in the same park or going to the same school.  Keep in mind a lot could be going on under the surface. There could be issues in the home that are affecting the child, work stress that has them distracted, or they could just be embarrassed by the behavior of their child and responding in a less than productive way. These are not excuses, but going into the situation with an open mind and caring heart will usually yield a much more satisfactory outcome.            

Take Culture Into Consideration

This is true everywhere but especially in an expat community! Not only are there different social norms for the country in which we currently reside, but every family is coming from a drastically different culture as well. For some people, the “village” mentality of child-rearing is normal, while for others it is seen as invasive and insulting. In some places queueing is standard, in others, lines are rarely if ever seen. Don’t make the assumption that your version of common courtesy is common and, within reason, try to be accommodating.

Children watch how adults interact to learn how to act themselves. No matter how many times you tell your children we need to respect each other, nothing will speak louder than seeing you respect someone else, even if that person isn’t returning the favor. By engaging in a civil way and working to come to an understanding, you are setting an important example for your child. Those seeds you plant now could have wonderful and long-ranging effects on the world as your child grows into a responsible and caring adult.

KEEP READING: Hierarchy In The Family Pecking Order. Impact of Birth Order on Parenting Styles and Children’s Personalities

Photos: Unsplash

This article appeared in the beijingkids 2020 September issue

If you have a running internet connection and don’t live under a rock, chances are you part of at least one social network. So the question is not if to use social media, but how. And more to the point, how should we be protecting the privacy of our children, who (but should) have control over what we post about them.

Naturally, as parents, we take precautions to protect our children: We endlessly caution them on ‘stranger danger’, online safety, and how to be alert for people with bad intentions. I monitor my daughter’s Amazon Fire tablet and iPad like a hawk, controlling everything she’s watching and everyone she may be chatting with.

When it comes to social media, most of us post pictures on our social media accounts and we shouldn’t necessarily apologize for this. We are adults and we take these conscious choices about what we post. But when it comes to children of non-consent age, a line has to be clearly drawn.

With our first daughter, I’ve been guilty in the past about posting pictures of her on my own social media account. I shared and updated baby bump pictures, our birth announcement, holidays, her first-year party, and other pictures. Until one day, I was ‘digitally kidnapped’, an experience that totally changed my perspective on social media. I was with a mama friend in Belgium, who wanted to view a picture on my Facebook account. She opened the app, then asked me “which of my two accounts” to view. “Two accounts?” I asked, puzzled. There it was – a clone of my account, down to the name and almost all of the pictures I’d ever posted. Someone was impersonating me on Facebook.

The ‘kidnapper’ had used all of the pictures of my daughter, and strangers were liking and commenting on them. I could hardly believe what I was seeing. Needless to say, I promptly reported the account to Facebook and it was closed. But that was enough for me to ask myself what the heck I was thinking in the first place, posting pictures of my child who had no clue some random people were viewing her pictures.

I closed my Facebook account and for a while, I went off social media completely (and what a really quiet nice time that was). I’ve since gone back on a few social media platforms but I use them strictly for professional reasons and I don’t post pictures of my children.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but does every moment of your life really need to be shared online?

Four good reasons not to share pictures of your children online

• Posting specific information about your child online, like their full name, age or school puts them at risk of being kidnapped. If a stranger knows all this information, it will be easy for them to locate your child.
• There are many cases in which innocent photos and videos have made their way to explicit adult-oriented, pornographic sites. Furthermore, with today’s technology, reality can be distorted. Most of us have seen the deep-fake pictures and videos that are so high tech you can’t tell what’s real anymore. Imagine your child’s face being superimposed on another person’s body… the damage is done.
• You may think that your account is set to private or to only-friends makes it safe but this doesn’t prevent those pictures you share being re-distributed amongst friends of your friends’ friends.
• Finally, some believe that Flaunting your family and its supposed perfect-ness to all and sundry may attract wrong “energy”, which actor Priyanka Chopra describes as the Evil Eye. “Beware of it and if possible, take care of your precious ones, or else someone out there is waiting to be in your place”.  Remember, social media fame is like being rich in Monopoly. There’s nothing real about it.

It’s little wonder that the possibility of kids being able to sue parents for having shared their image without their consent is becoming a real prospect.

Ways to share images safely

If you really desperately want to share pictures of your children, here are a few tips to doing it safely:

• Create a private album on a cloud drive and share it with only trusted family and friends, ensuring they know not to distribute the photos anywhere else.
• If you share on social media, don’t share your location.
• Although this is not a sure way to avoid pictures ending up in the wrong hands, try to set up your privacy controls before you share pictures so you can limit who can view the pictures.
• Avoid posting pictures of your children in bathing suits or in the bath tab, even on accounts you think are for only “friends and relatives”.

This isn’t limited to Instagram and Facebook, but includes all kinds of social networks including WhatsApp and WeChat. I recently got a WhatsApp message from a relative who had set her profile picture to a pic of my daughter. When I asked her where she’d got the picture and why she had it on as her profile picture, she jovially announced she had taken a screenshot of it when I had it on as my profile picture. Now her friends and their friends could easily do the same and I had absolutely no control over it.

Social networking sites and tech companies must take a big portion of responsibility and blame for nefarious online activities, as do legislators. Although they do their best and employ hundreds of people to review content to make sure it is safe, it’s still alarming how much heinous content gets through the cracks.

This isn’t about preventing anyone from posting anything online about their children. It’s to educate yourself and your children about the darker side of social media and take some necessary steps in ensuring online safety for your family and loved ones, especially the young ones. Technology is an amazing thing and the power of social media, when used correctly, is undoubtedly hugely beneficial to individuals and companies.

So, the next time you are ‘oversharenting’ (oversharing about your children on social media) or cross-posting (posting the same pictures simultaneously on your different social networking platforms) pictures of your adorable chubby cheek cutie, you may want to rethink … not everyone is looking at them with the same lens.

These days, instead of spending hours posting pictures of my kids on social media, I dance with them like no one is watching, because frankly, no one is watching: everyone’s busy on their phones, posting on social media.

Pearl Kasujja-Van de Velde is a dual Ugandan/Belgian national, a mother to two amazing girls, a wife, and a storyteller. To get in touch, visit her website at www.pearlkasujja.com.

KEEP READING: The Impact of Birth Order on Parenting Styles and Children’s Personalities

Photos: Unsplash

According to many researchers, there are common traits between first, middle, and last-born children and your chronological status in the family can have a direct influence on your personality.

“Birth order accounts for the differences between kids within families,” says Michael Grose, a parenting expert, and author. “They may be the same gender, born two years apart, have the same educational experience yet they’re chalk and cheese”, he notes.

Ready, set, go!

What are the typical character traits?

Leading researchers and psychologists have noted that firstborns and single children tend to be high achievers and leaders. They may also be controlling, bossy, neurotic, and tend to follow the status quo of their parents’ world view. Winston Churchill, Shakespeare, Albert Einstein, Mussolini as well as more than half of Nobel Prize winners, were all either firstborns or only children.

The second or middle child, however, is more likely to be the peacemaker of the family and may possess excellent negotiating skills. They are often more socially adjusted, more relaxed, have more friends and seek friendships outside the family.

Finally, youngest children tend to be the charming rebels, the life of the party, fun-loving, creative, and attention-seekers. They tend to have more freedom and are subsequently more likely to try new things and do what they want to do. Younger siblings are less sure of their parents’ view and therefore more often choose alternative paths in life.

Of course children are individuals, each with different needs; some are high-strung, while others are easy-going and these different personalities may require different parenting approaches with each child. Furthermore, the birth order is influenced by the experience of the parent: for the firstborn child, many parents are thrown in at the deep end, learning on the job, with no experience. They may instinctively feel more protective of the child. Then with the second and subsequent ones, they may be more relaxed around parenting, all this unwittingly leading to some of the personality traits described by researchers.

What about for larger families?

But pretty much all research on the topic fo birth order focusses on families of two, maybe three, rarely four but definitely not more than five children. So, this theory is put in a spin when it comes to my family. I am proud number nine in a family of 10. With eight middle children, where do I start? I’ll concentrate only on the first and last-born children.

My mum once told me that when her firstborn child, our eldest sister started crawling, she buffered the entire floor with cushions so the baby wouldn’t hurt herself. By the time it trickled down to (middle) babies number three, five, seven, and so forth her instructions to the school and other caretakers was more along the lines of “unless there is blood, do not call me for a crying child”. In the meantime, baby number one had totally assumed motherly roles for her younger siblings and now is as bossy as they come.

Having had a baby almost every year, my mum thought she was done when she pushed out number nine (lucky me). And according to my older sisters, I was pampered, coddled, and spoilt rotten by my mum, who thought that I was going to be her last. I could do no wrong in her eyes and life was good.

Then four years later, baby number ten unexpectedly arrived on the scene and ruined my “last born” party. My little sister instantly adopted the personality traits of a last-born child too, because many fit her to a T.

When it comes to my children, I think the big age gap between them makes it hard to tell if these traits apply as they are like two only-children. Our oldest certainly demonstrates a lot of first child independence, and she is also very hands-on with her sister, assuming a leadership (but not bossy) role when helping her dress up or eat. We are yet to determine the young one’s personality but they may end up having similar personalities if parenting style has anything to do with it.

How seriously should we take all this? 

But despite all the discussion and research, is there really enough concrete evidence to support all these theories above? Do they apply to everyone and everywhere? It’s been noted that at times, these investigations used questionable methods. And scientists who analyzed large, transnational data and compared different families with each other found that the effect of sibling succession on personality disappears almost completely.

At the end of the day, a persons personality depends on a huge range of factors, and we have a long way to go before figuring it all out.

“It is quite possible that the position in the sibling sequence shapes the personality – but not in every family in the same way,” says Frank Spinath, a psychologist at Saarland University in Germany. “In other words, there may be an influence but not a systematic one.”

Oh and by the way, I’m still our mum’s favorite… but that’s a secret.

Pearl Kasujja-Van de Velde is a dual Ugandan/Belgian national, a mother to two amazing girls, a wife, and a storyteller. To get in touch, visit her website at www.pearlkasujja.com.

KEEP READING: Pink for Boys, Blue for Girls: You Are (Not) What You Wear

Photos: Unsplash

Dads are sometimes overlooked in the parenting discussion, particularly in China, when most of the caretaking responsibilities of young children fall on mothers and other women in the family. Yet when it comes to parenting, Ben Bowering, who is originally from New Zealand, is all about making sure his two daughters (aged nine and four) each develop their own independent personality and explore who they want to be.

We talked to Ben about his parenting style, how he addresses familial conflicts, and how he spends his time with his children.

Ben, his wife Maggie, and their two daughters at their wedding.

What are your expectations for your children? What kind of person do they hope to be in the future? 

Firstly, I hope they individually develop their own personalities. I, along with my wife Maggie prioritize this greatly, and since our children are quite young now, we have the opportunity to lead by example. From an early age, we start by allowing the children to pursue activities that they think they can do well in, before letting them take on responsibilities and activities that would enable them to take care of others.

Secondly, we hope that they can spend a good amount of time understanding themselves. I hope that as they grow, they can explore their passions and their purpose in this world, and not become people they do not want to be. This process of exploration can be difficult at times, but if it’s done, the children will find it very easy to find what they really like and stick to it.

Finally, I hope they make friends who have a high emotional quotient (EQ). I think most people will have similar intelligence quotients (IQs) across the board, but people with high EQs are rarities and they are often those who are never alone. I’ve come to realize that having a high EQ doesn’t mean that you have to begrudgingly cater to the needs of others. Rather, it allows you to make true friends who don’t need to rely on you to excel and succeed. Associating with friends who have high EQs will also help later on in life. If they also have children, their relationship with their children will be more harmonious. After all, interpersonal relationships play a very important role in people’s moods and emotions.

On a 5-point scale, with 1 being very laid-back and relaxed, and 5 being very strict, how would you rate the parenting methods you use in your family? Are you satisfied with this parenting style?

I would rate our family at a 3, somewhere between the two extremes. Our family is a fusion of Chinese and Western values, especially when it comes to learning habits. We combine the easy-going nature of life that I experienced growing up in New Zealand and the strict Chinese education system that Maggie has been through. When I was a kid growing up in New Zealand, we would always be outdoors. I would play outside after school until the streetlights went out. This is obviously different from how things are done here in China. Kids here are very competitive when it comes to academics, and traditionally, kids are supposed to continue reading and studying once they get back home from school.

You could describe the parenting methods Maggie and I have for our family to be slightly free-range. We do set some house rules and everyone abides by them, but it’s a relaxed environment overall. For example, when the children are doing their homework, Maggie and I won’t be sitting next to them and physically observe whether they’re actually being productive or not. Staring at them as they complete a worksheet won’t help them at all in the long run, and will instead annoy them. They might even begin to view the homework they get in subjects they like as mundane chores rather than as fun activities.

At present, our two children are still in the lower grades of elementary school and have not yet reached puberty. So strictly speaking, we are all very satisfied with the current dynamic. But there is no guarantee that in the future, the children will remain as girls, and my wife and I will be mentally prepared as they mature and become adolescents. Whether we can smoothly and amicably spend the time our kids are in puberty is still unknown to us, but I believe our words and deeds are now paving the way for a loving parent-child relationship.

During the COVID-19 pandemic, did you or your family members get to have more time with the children? How do you usually spend your family time?

At the beginning of the pandemic, our whole family was on vacation in Japan. I returned to Shanghai in early February. I went back to work in late March. My wife worked from home then, and the children pursued online learning from home as well. My wife has been working very hard these past months, having to work, do housework, and assist the kids as they take online classes all at the same time. It can get stressful at times, so whenever I go home, I make sure to cook the meals.

On the weekends, we now go to a nearby park for a picnic. If we were going to a park in New Zealand, we would put up tents for the night, but in parks here in China, the small pavilions by themselves make very good tents! Off late, the four of us have also been learning how to play mah-jong (麻将, májiànɡ). Playing this traditional Chinese board game is now the new pastime of the family. I read somewhere that having kids play mah-jong can enhance their observation skills and power of reasoning. But to be honest, we’re just treating it as a fun activity that gets the whole family involved.

Ben with his two daughters and their family dog.

What activities do you enjoy doing with your children?

There’s a lot of activities that I love doing with the children. We watch reality shows and TV series after dinner. Everyone in the family looks forward to watching TV after dinner because it’s an opportunity to relax and chat after a long day working and studying.

We all like to watch cooking reality TV shows. The children get a lot of inspiration from watching MasterChef Junior. Even though what they replicate from the show is quite simple, I can see their passions and interest in good. However, the activity I like doing most with my family is to travel together. I enjoy the process of making travel plans and arranging the activities to do each day while we’re on tour. Last year, the four returned to New Zealand so that my wife and I could get married. Family and friends from all over came for the event. Everyone had a blast. I believe that that New Zealand trip left lasting memories on our two girls. After all, they had the opportunity to attend the wedding of their parents, which was very special.

If a disagreement arises between you and your wife on your child’s education, how do you usually address it?

My wife and I are quite consistent with our views and perspectives, especially on education. Because the children and she spend a lot of time together, she understands what the children need and what difficulties they are facing. She does discuss these things with me at the end of the day once the kids go to bed. If it’s something wonderful and interesting the kids are pursuing, or if they’re making some progress in a task or activity, she will share it with me in front of the kids. This is important, as the children themselves see that their parents are acknowledging their achievements. To be honest with you, I have actually missed many wonderful moments of the kids growing up due to work. But, having these discussions with my wife has been fantastic, and it allows me to stay involved.

KEEP READING: Daddy Diaries: “I Hope My Child Can Become a True Global Citizen”

This article is an adapted translation of an article that was originally published on our sister site, jingkids.

Images: jingkids Shanghai

Meet Haiping and his 6-year old daughter Hallie. Dads are sometimes overlooked in the parenting discussion, particularly in China, when most of the caretaking of young children fall to mothers and other women in the family. Yet when it comes to parenting, Haiping has very high standards and holds himself responsible for making sure his daughter cultivates skills in arts and literacy, is in top physical shape, and acquires a high degree of emotional intelligence. In the process, he and his wife draw upon a wide variety of modern parenting educational trends out there.

We talked to Haiping about his parenting style, how he addresses familial conflicts, and how he spends his time with his children.

(from left to right): Hallie and her dad, Haiping

What are your expectations for your child Hallie? What kind of person does she hope to be in the future? 

I hope my child can become a true global citizen, who will be able to freely exercise multicultural thinking in all the activities she pursues. I hope she develops a broad vision of what she wants to achieve, has an inquisitive mind and maintains a fair and objective view of the people, things and events around her. I hope she makes adequate use of global resources for the benefit of global societies. In addition to her education, I am keeping a close eye on her design and creativity skills, as well as her sense of empathy.

On a 5-point scale, with 1 being very laid-back and relaxed, and 5 being very strict, how would you rate the parenting methods you use in your family? Are you satisfied with this parenting style?

I would rate our family at a 3. We don’t impose our control on her as parents; we try not to instruct her from a position of authority. We want the relationship to be as mutual as possible, where everyone is treated equally. So, we as parents intend to influence and guide her based on what she says and does.

Whatever we do together as a family is discussed together and everyone freely expresses their views. If something directly impacts a certain member, it is up to that person to decide. The choices that most directly impact Hallie are all selected and decided by herself, such as what after-school programs to do and how much time that should be spent on her devices. She works with us parents to formulate the family rules and abide by them together.

I am very happy with the current dynamic. I find that Hallie is willing to express her opinions more confidently. She acknowledges the respect, trust and support from her parents, and does not feel any sort of opposition, excessive monitoring, doubt and denial. This gives her a very strong sense of security and self-drive. She will often share some very interesting and crazy ideas with us, but also respects our feelings and suggestions at the same time.

Hallie and Haiping during their trip to Italy

During the COVID-19 pandemic, did you or your family members get to have more time with the children? How do you usually spend your family time?

The pandemic has actually made it easier for us to enjoy large stretches of time with our family. My wife and I are usually busy, so we welcomed the refreshing change of pace. Hallie continued her usual gymnastics training at home, and I often took her out to play golf. During this pandemic period, she won first prize in a national gymnastics competition, organized by the State Sports General Administration and the Chinese Gymnastics Association. Hallie also wrote and created a lot of English stories and hand-painted drawings. My wife also helped her design and stage a puppet drama show in English, which was a lot of fun.

Although we were very busy at work before the pandemic, we always made sure to set aside two or three times each year to travel as a family for vacation. We’ve been to several countries and have done plenty of sightseeing, caught up with old friends, soaked in the local lifestyles and cultures, and relaxed in some of the most beautiful resorts.

What activities do you enjoy doing with your children?

I most enjoy working with Hallie together on a shared product or activity. Sometimes, we build Lego models together. We do calligraphy works and paintings together. I also take her to play golf and teach her how to get a hole-in-one. Sometimes we make music together; she plays the piano and I sing.

When we cooperate and work together, I find that there is a natural, tacit understanding and trust between me and my daughter. We’ve had a lot of good times together. The feelings we have for each other is very real and very precious.

“Look daddy, I am just as tall as you!”

If a disagreement arises between you and your wife on your child’s education, how do you usually address it?

If we disagree on matters regarding Hallie’s education, we would definitely not argue in front of her and rather discuss it amongst ourselves. It would confuse her if each of us has differing views. What we do is, if one of us is more experienced, or has more knowledge on the matter, we agree to that person’s viewpoint.

For example, my wife has good insights on language education. Therefore, I would listen to her views more in this aspect. While in regards to sports and the arts, my wife will take my opinions into account. However, I find that our views on education are not rigid but are rather dynamic and flexible to change at any time. After all, the best views and methods of education are based on what happens in reality and what the child feels. A parent considering education for their children must strike a balance between the universally accepted educational views and the directions we give to children based on our personal growth and experiences

KEEP READING: Fatherly Wisdom for the Ages

This article is an adapted translation of an article that was originally published on our sister site, jingkids.

Images: jingkids Shanghai

Should we give kids an allowance in exchange for doing chores? There’s a lot of disagreement on this topic, with most parents falling into one of two camps: camp 1 is in favor of giving a monetary “incentive” to children when they help out with chores at home, while camp 2 says that kids shouldn’t have to be paid for doing chores.

The In-Favor-Of Camp:
Many in this group contend that paying kids to do chores is a great way for them to learn about work and finances. They also think that giving kids an allowance just for the sake of an allowance isn’t right. The way that the world works is simply that when you do jobs, you get paid for them. Gregg Murset, CEO of BusyKid, (an app for children to earn a real allowance for doing chores) believes work and money should always be tied together because they are interrelated in the real world.

The Against Camp:
In his bestselling book The Opposite of Spoiled, New York Times money columnist and financial literacy expert  Ron Lieber argues that kids shouldn’t be given allowances in exchange for chores, reasoning that “allowance ought to stand on its own, not as a wage but as a teaching tool”. Then, in his book Dr. Spock’s Baby and Childcare,  world-famous pediatrician Dr. Benjamin Spock describes allowance as a way for children to learn about handling money, not to be used as payment for routine chores.

Even the blogosphere is talking about this, with one parenting influencer arguing that under no circumstances should kids be paid for chores or paid an allowance. “If you meet all of your kids’ needs (food, shelter, and clothing) and also give them money, whether you’re paying them for chores or giving them an allowance, they’ll have no incentive to work.”

These, as well as many more professionals, assert that an allowance, if any, should be for learning – not for earning. Learning how to deal with finances but not earning it for completing a chore.

Clean, clean, clean

My Experience Growing Up:
Chores for money? Forget it (forget the money, that is – not the chores). Growing up, we had house help, as is common in Africa. However, we were firmly expected to help out in almost every house chore as long as we were home and didn’t have any school work. This included making our beds, helping with the weekly laundry (no washing machines, it was done with bare hands), and preparing meals (and in my family, authentic traditional meal preparations can go on for hours). So, payment, incentives, and rewards were never an option.

Fast forward to now, and our children are also being raised with this option. For our oldest daughter, I started a “Reward Chart” when she was about four years old. I divided the chart into several chores for every day of the week. Most chores were repetitive. For example, “brushing teeth” was expected every day. If she got 10 stars in a week, she’d be rewarded with a trip to the ice cream parlor, for example. Rewards were never monetary until she turned seven.

Now, she doesn’t necessarily get rewarded for doing chores around the house but we do put some money (coins) in her piggy bank if she, for example, reads five books in a week or practices her piano for five or more consecutive days (I can tell you, that piggy bank is nowhere near full).

But this way, she does have a concept of how money works, even “lending” us some of her coins for the bread machine on weekends. She even expects some interest on this loan, too.

With many households having a house help in the form of an ayi, it can take a lot of discipline to get kids to participate in chores. That’s why the determinant for rewarding or not rewarding kids depends on families and the real reason behind it. Some may truly feel that giving this incentive is a true motivator for kids to dig into chores, which in the end, can only be a good thing. Whatever works for each family.

So, if you do choose to give something, here are a few tips to help you get started.

When to Start:
There’s no right age but many begin at around six. Rob Lieber suggests starting as soon as the tooth fairy first comes.

How Much:
The average weekly allowance can be around RMB 60 for ages between four and 14.

Chores:
Babysitting, gardening, caring for pets, washing the car, vacuuming, brushing teeth, making your bed, loading/unloading the dishwasher, the list is endless.

We don’t want kids to prematurely adopt adult financial worries, but in the same breath, we want to instill them with the values of hard work and saving. You be the judge.

Pearl Kasujja-Van de Velde is a dual Ugandan/Belgian national, a mother to two amazing girls, a wife, and a storyteller. To get in touch, visit her website at www.pearlkasujja.com.

KEEP READING: Designating Chores for Little Ones

Images: Pearl Kasujja, red tricycle, Family Falicity