I grew up with a wardrobe that fluctuated between princesses, Wonder Woman, and three-piece suits. I fit pretty easily into the tomboy category while playing softball, but also loved choosing a dress for my piano recital, so my family rarely cared. Still, I felt the judgemental looks whenever I leaned into my “Annie Hall” look of men’s wear. The morning I auditioned for drama school, I even rejected the two outfits I’d chosen and decided my father’s clothes were the way to go.

So it likely comes as no surprise that I don’t give a fig what my own kids want to wear, especially when they dress up for playtime.

My husband, Dan Jenkins, has never really been one for gender norms either, encouraging our first son to take ballet and yoga classes when he showed interest and laughing at his dress-up games, even when he chose princess outfits. Dan and I always shared household and parenting responsibilities, and it will surprise no one who knows us that we couldn’t care less who our children eventually want to date.

Yet there was one day in 2016 when our oldest was changing from his Rapunzel dress into a fairy outfit, and I asked Dan: “What if he wants to wear these outside the house one day?”

He was taken aback but didn’t really say anything. I tucked it away for a longer conversation later, one where we could discuss what would happen if kids made fun of him for it, and all the other justifications parents might give themselves for not allowing a child to play the way they want to play. I had run through them all in my head, and Dan deserved his own time to process the issue before we choose a joint parenting approach.

Fast forward: I woke up one Sunday morning in 2017 and read a Twitter thread from a clown that details what happened when a four-year-old boy in America asked her to paint a blue butterfly on his face. The Twitter user @boguspress tells the story like this (slightly edited for length):

Hey everyone I’m a clown and I just got back from facepainting at a picnic and here’s my take on male violence in America:

It starts young. And it’s more than just letting boys play with guns, it’s how we shame them for feeling anything that isn’t anger.

A 4yo boy asked me to paint a blue butterfly on his face. Then his mom told me “no, he doesn’t want that.”

“Butterflies are beuatiful, he said that’s what he wants, shouldn’t I paint what he wants?”

“No give him something for boys” She turns to dad, a big guy in a jersey, and says accusingly, “Do you want your son to have a butterfly on his face?” He says “No.”

Which, cool, let’s bring your husband’s masculinity into it too. Because your 4yo kids needs to know that his father would be ashamed too.

I really tried you guys, but this woman was so scared of her son wanting a butterfly she made me paint a skull and crossbones on his cheek.

I see this all the time. And I really feel for these boys, because the girls don’t get it as bad. Being a tomboy is slightly more normalized. And when girls want skills or sharks the parents shrug and laugh like “haha she’s a kooky kid!” because maleness and masculinity isn’t a sin. But when a boy wants to enjoy something for its beauty, they are told it’s not for them. Not in this house. Not in this family. We are teaching them that anger and violence are the only things they are allowed to experience. That to value beauty and elegance is shaneful.

I know that it was just facepaint, but that’s sort of my point. Why in the hell are these parents shaming their boys over FACEPAINT.

Think about what this four year old boy asked for

And what he got

This young boy’s own parents turned his desire to appreciate something beautiful, into the forced adoption of an image of violence and hate, effectively telling him not to embrace the way he feels unless it fits their – and society’s – image of masculinity. Blake Harper wrote on Fatherly at the time that “it’s a powerful example of how young boys are forced to embrace a certain personality that has been deemed acceptable by society. Whether or not it causes a child to act more violently, it certainly establishes the idea that aggressive symbols are inherently male.”

When I shared that with Dan, he thought back to my question and immediately realized that if he wouldn’t let our child wear a princess dress outside the house, he would be “an asshole just like those parents,” and vowed to never dictate what our children can wear based on outdated ideas of gender.

Fast forward again to 2018, and that same kid wants to grow his hair long. He’s been a little surfer kid ever since. Fast forward to 2019 and his little brother wears his Minnie Mouse glittered high heels to the playground, impressively scaling ladders and suspension bridges with ease.

Last Halloween, they chose their outfits on PandaBoo: one “archer” for our oldest and one bat for our youngest. I could see that he had chosen a girl’s bat outfit, but he scrolled through way more costumes than I would have had patience for, and that’s the one he wanted.

He played so happily in that costume for an hour, with a smile I honestly hadn’t seen on his face in ages. 2020 was a rough year, remember. But he was just beaming.

Until he danced in front of the window. It had gotten dark, so now he could see his own reflection: longish hair and this costume.

“Mommy?” he asked. “Do I look like a girl?”

The pain that dropped into my chest at that moment just gutted me. Not that he had made that distinction at just over four years old, but he sounded and looked so goddamn sad. He knew that if he looked “like a girl” then someone would say that to him, maybe even make fun of him for it. He knew. At four years old, he knew that crinoline skirts and headbands, paired with his long hair, could possibly get him mocked.

I tried to brush it off but he wouldn’t have it. “Do I look like a girl?” he insisted.

“You look like the happiest bat I’ve ever seen,” I said. “And if some people think you look like a girl bat, then it’s up to you to say yes or no. If you feel like a girl bat or a boy bat or just a purple bat, you tell them who you are. Or you can just smile and say thank you and not bother to correct them. Halloween is about what you want to be, not what other people think of you. Daddy and I will always stand by you.”

I have no idea if that was the right thing to say. It felt like the best thing to say, or “the next right thing,” as Anna in “Frozen II” would say.

So it is that in 2021, we find ourselves sending Steve from “Minecraft” and Pinkie Pie from “My Little Pony” off to Storybook Day at their school. 

If anyone at school said anything to them, I didn’t hear about it. I considered sending a message to the teachers, but then I remembered that they’ve always been in full support of my son’s quirky style, and I had no reason to believe otherwise for this day.

You know, adults and kids comment on our kids’ long hair all the time. Part of why I keep my hair shaved and short is because they like that their mom has short hair, and it’s an easy thing they can point to when their friends say that “long hair is for girls.”

Who knows if our kids will continue their gender-nonconforming dress-up or not? Who cares? Today it’s all Zelda and Super Mario, and tomorrow it’s “My Little Pony“ and “True: Happy Hearts Day.” Their playtime should be about their imagination and joy. Who are we to police that?

KEEP READING: Daddy or Doula? Should Fathers Witness Childbirth?

Images: Cindy Marie Jenkins

Too often we categorize the family-friendliness of a park by its playground. But we should give our kids a little more credit for creativity and self-directed play. Beijing Botanical Garden is a short drive away and the endless paths and gardens offer children plenty of opportunities to explore and get back to nature. Scan the QR code to watch our video.

Photos: Julie Wolf

It’s winter and the parks are off-limits for playdates for the little ones. If you’ve got a huge apartment with ample space in your living room for a big group of moms and kids, lucky you! For those of us who don’t or who aren’t ready to host so many little kids at home yet, there’s a new playdate place that isn’t going to cost a fortune even if you go every single day.

East Hotel has always been known as a family-friendly hotel and its restaurant Feast (Food by East) has been the go-to place for family brunches in the city. Now they’ve gone one step further to accommodate families with little ones during the winter with four playdate options.

Option 1: Breakfast

Every weekday from 7-10.30am adults can enjoy breakfast there for RMB 98 and their kids can play in the playroom for free.

Option 2: Lunch

They’re offering 10% off their RMB 198 lunch every weekday from 11.30-3pm. So when the adults eat, the kids can play.

Option 3: Afternoon Tea

On weekdays from 3-5pm the kids can play in the playroom while the grownups enjoy an afternoon tea and they’re also offering 10% off their RMB 218 set for two people.

Option 4: Just Play

For the parents who don’t feel like eating anything, They can now bring their kids to Feast just to play in the playroom every weekday from 3-5.30pm for just RMB 68 each time.

I don’t know about you, but having someone else clean up the toys after a playdate is much better than leaving your own living room looking like a Toys ‘r’ Us store after a 11.11 sale. So for me, Feast’s Just Play option is perfect!

The play room is sanitized on a daily basis, there are cartoons to keep the kids entertained, and there are toys and books for kids of all ages to play with.

Other play areas in Beijing

Little Oasis

With various locations around the city, Little Oasis charges RMB 188 each time. Kids get to play under the guidance and supervision of the center’s teachers.

Kerry Adventure Zone

Located in the Kerry Center, the Kerry Adventure Zone is a favorite amongst Beijing’s parents. The indoor play center is filled with slides, ball pits, and all sorts of toys for the kids. A trip to Adventure Zone costs RMB 208 for two hours for one child and two adults.

KEEP READING: When It Comes to Love, Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Images: Courtesy of East Hotel

Take a stroll around any one of Beijing’s many parks or residential compounds, and you’re sure to see people playing badminton. Although it was originally developed in England, badminton is not exceptionally popular there, as it is considered a variation of tennis by some. There have even been debates about whether it actually counts as a sport or not, which is why some may not have heard of it. On the other hand, badminton is very popular in China and many of the best-ranked badminton players in the world are Chinese. Many well-known competitions like the Olympics even include badminton events. It is also a lot of fun and you can play it pretty much anywhere.

Some good locations to play badminton around Beijing are in local parks, where it is easy to meet up and hopefully stay out of range from lakes or ponds; tennis courts, if you don’t mind the low nets; larger backyards; and of course dedicated badminton courts.

Around two years ago, when I was only just starting to play, I was invited by my cousin to play against him. It was the first time I had ever seen the interior of an indoor badminton court. It had a lot of nets placed in rows, and there were younger children playing and shouting whilst adults were taking their practice very seriously. Although he is a year younger, my cousin was already a better player than me, which was thoroughly annoying, and was the main reason I was so determined to keep practicing. They say that competition is healthy, and well, my cousin and I have that in spades!

One advantage of badminton is that it is easily accessible and enjoyable for many people. It does take time to learn specific tricks and helpful tips that will make you win more often, and quick reflexes do come in handy, but in general, you don’t have to be good at sports to be successful at badminton, the only thing you need is to be ready to have fun.

If you are eager to learn and improve, I highly recommend you give badminton a try. Take a risk, get out of your comfort zone, and meet some new friends along the way.

KEEP READING: Hoop With Your Friends at These Reopened Basketball Courts 

Photos: Unsplash

This article appeared in the beijingkids 2020 August issue