One of the few times I left a restaurant in the US without tipping was when a waitress said “Oh you’re Chinese? Did you know that kids in China wear pants that are open in the crotch and they poop on the street just like dogs?” That ignorant ‘Karen’ was totally oblivious to the fact that whether you’re Chinese or Chinese-American, those derogatory comments are equally offensive. But… she wasn’t 100% wrong either. Split-crotch pants, know here as 开裆裤 kāidāngkù were once a very common sight in China. They were especially popular during the hot summer months and kids wearing them would run around with their tiny derrière all out in the open as they played carefree and oblivious to the fact that their private bits are exposed.

A practice that’s been around since the time of the Cultural Revolution, today it’s seen as a relic of the old times, and it’s a sight that’s rapidly disappearing from Beijing, and China’s other major cities. Occasionally you can still see some grannies with toddlers running around in split crotch pants around the hutongs, but walking around places like Taikoo Li, the only cheeks you’ll see are the ones hanging out of the 20-something-year-old KOL wanghong’s booty shorts.

What’s The Purpose of Split-Crotch Pants?

Basically, before disposable diapers became common in China, split-crotch pants made it easier for parents to deal with their children’s pee-pee and poos. Instead of having to hand wash reusable diapers (this was also during a time when washing machines were seen as a luxury not commonly found in everyday households), you could put your child in a pair of split pants, and whenever they needed to go, they could simply squat and do their business instead of having to change and carry around a soiled dirty diaper was a no-brainer. It just made parents’ lives easier.

But those days are long gone. Beijing’s no longer the low-rise city where streets are dominated by black bicycles and the only colors people wore on the streets were white, black, and navy blue. Since 1989 disposable diapers have been marketed aggressively in China and as the middle class’ expendable income increases, fewer and fewer new parents see the need in split crotch pants or re-useable diapers when there’s a much easier option they can now afford so readily available.

The Pros and Cons of Exposed Toddler Bums

But have we thrown the proverbial baby out with the bathwater? According to experts, there are some pros to toddlers wearing split crotch pants. Babies who were raised wearing split crotch pants are generally potty trained up to 14 months sooner than those who wear diapers. Split crotch pants make the kids actively participate in their poo time as they have to communicate to their parents when they need to go, so they are able to learn the signs of his own bodily functions sooner. It also encourages children to graduate earlier from squatting on the street to anticipating his poos and squatting over a potty. Furthermore, during the hottest months of the year, kids who wear split crotch pants are less likely to get diaper rash than those who do.

The downsides of split crotch pants are also pretty obvious, the first being sanitation. While the split crotch pants make it easy for kids to squat and poo, it also makes it extremely easy for them to sit their exposed tushies on the dirty ground. And unfortunately in this digital day and age, one can never be too careful when it comes to the internet safety of their child. Split crotch pants now draw unwanted attention from predators and their cameras.

Split crotch shorts on Taobao

As split crotch pants disappear from cities like Beijing and are replaced with disposable diapers, parents in the West have been catching on and praising the old ways. In her 2006 book Diaper Free, Ingrid Bauer actively promotes the use of split crotch pants. ”The traditional kaidangku have rapidly disappeared from the major cities in the last half-decade and are rapidly being replaced by diapers … Aggressive advertisers create an impression that consumer products are vastly superior to what mothers have practiced for eons and urge parents to buy what they can barely afford,” she wrote.

The average baby will go through 4,500 – 5,000 pairs of diapers by the time they’re two years old and split crotch pants help eliminate environmental waste. In places like the US have formed diaper-free support groups to help their babies practice elimination communication toilet training and one of the main parts of the group is that the babies wear split crotch pants, assisted by parents making whoosh sounds to help them go potty – exactly like Chinese grannies used to do it in the old days.

Fecal Attractions: A Guide to Beijing’s More Dubious Sights

Photo: savespendsplurge.com, Taobao

As a family, the Cliffords are used to traveling long distances. Mom Kim and Dad Aaron first met in their home country of Canada then jetted off to set up their new lives together in China just 40 days after their wedding. They welcomed their son Lachlan to the clan in 2013, and have since enjoyed exploring Thailand and Malaysia as a family, as well as taking a very special trip with their ayi to her hometown of Nanchang for Chinese New Year.

When it comes to finding great family travel advice, Kim says you just can’t beat the local expat community for the great wealth of information available, so we quizzed the young family for their best travel tips.

When Lachlan (middle) goes on vacation, he knows exactly what t-shirt to pack!

Kim

Pack food! You never know what will or won’t be available after you pass through security and it is better to have things you are sure your child will eat. Once when transferring flights in China we went through security to find there were no food places at all, so I made my husband go back to get McDonald’s. Also, let your children carry their bags or pull their luggage. It slows the little ones down!

Aaron

Download episodes from Netflix before you leave and turn the device to airplane mode so they aren’t lost. You never know which flights won’t have entertainment. And don’t forget your headphones.

Lachlan

Bring your stuffed animals to play with. I like to bring my camera too, then I can take pictures of everything!

KEEP READING:  How to Make Traveling Fun and Stress-Free for the Whole Family

Photos: Uni You

This article appeared in the beijingkids 2020 June issue

According to the Australian police, a number of Chinese students in Sydney were recently targeted in a scam in which they were forced to “kidnap” themselves, and ask their parents for ransom. In one case, a frantic father sent USD 2 million to the scammers. According to Australian police Detective Chief Superintendent Darren Bennett, some “[families]have basically paid every cent they’ve got.”

The Australian government official reports that there have been a total of 8 cases reported, with over USD 3.2 million transferred to the blackmailers. The scams appear to have been conducted through encrypted apps such as WeChat or WhatsApp, making them more difficult to trace. The victims were usually first approached by a Mandarin-speaking person, who pretended to be from the Chinese authorities or Embassy, and told that they were involved in a crime back in China.

Students are coerced into faking kidnapping pictures

The scammers then threatened the students, saying that the only way to get out of trouble was to pay a huge ransom, lest they be arrested or deported. If the students were not initially convinced, the scammers then continued the harassment with more threats, until the victims complied. The victims were told to move into a hotel and pose for a kidnapping picture, or send a voice mail to their families in China asking for help. 

A student bounded in a hotel room

After making contact with their families, they were then instructed to cut off any contact with the outside world, and to stay in the hotel, thereby cutting them off from their families, who may have helped them realized that they were being scammed.

Most of these cases were not initially reported to the police because the victims felt embarrassed. While the scammers are yet to be caught, the Australian police are currently working with Chinese forces to break the case.

KEEP READING: What to Expect When You’re Filing a Police Report in Beijing

Pictures: via AFP, Fox News

If you have a running internet connection and don’t live under a rock, chances are you part of at least one social network. So the question is not if to use social media, but how. And more to the point, how should we be protecting the privacy of our children, who (but should) have control over what we post about them.

Naturally, as parents, we take precautions to protect our children: We endlessly caution them on ‘stranger danger’, online safety, and how to be alert for people with bad intentions. I monitor my daughter’s Amazon Fire tablet and iPad like a hawk, controlling everything she’s watching and everyone she may be chatting with.

When it comes to social media, most of us post pictures on our social media accounts and we shouldn’t necessarily apologize for this. We are adults and we take these conscious choices about what we post. But when it comes to children of non-consent age, a line has to be clearly drawn.

With our first daughter, I’ve been guilty in the past about posting pictures of her on my own social media account. I shared and updated baby bump pictures, our birth announcement, holidays, her first-year party, and other pictures. Until one day, I was ‘digitally kidnapped’, an experience that totally changed my perspective on social media. I was with a mama friend in Belgium, who wanted to view a picture on my Facebook account. She opened the app, then asked me “which of my two accounts” to view. “Two accounts?” I asked, puzzled. There it was – a clone of my account, down to the name and almost all of the pictures I’d ever posted. Someone was impersonating me on Facebook.

The ‘kidnapper’ had used all of the pictures of my daughter, and strangers were liking and commenting on them. I could hardly believe what I was seeing. Needless to say, I promptly reported the account to Facebook and it was closed. But that was enough for me to ask myself what the heck I was thinking in the first place, posting pictures of my child who had no clue some random people were viewing her pictures.

I closed my Facebook account and for a while, I went off social media completely (and what a really quiet nice time that was). I’ve since gone back on a few social media platforms but I use them strictly for professional reasons and I don’t post pictures of my children.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but does every moment of your life really need to be shared online?

Four good reasons not to share pictures of your children online

• Posting specific information about your child online, like their full name, age or school puts them at risk of being kidnapped. If a stranger knows all this information, it will be easy for them to locate your child.
• There are many cases in which innocent photos and videos have made their way to explicit adult-oriented, pornographic sites. Furthermore, with today’s technology, reality can be distorted. Most of us have seen the deep-fake pictures and videos that are so high tech you can’t tell what’s real anymore. Imagine your child’s face being superimposed on another person’s body… the damage is done.
• You may think that your account is set to private or to only-friends makes it safe but this doesn’t prevent those pictures you share being re-distributed amongst friends of your friends’ friends.
• Finally, some believe that Flaunting your family and its supposed perfect-ness to all and sundry may attract wrong “energy”, which actor Priyanka Chopra describes as the Evil Eye. “Beware of it and if possible, take care of your precious ones, or else someone out there is waiting to be in your place”.  Remember, social media fame is like being rich in Monopoly. There’s nothing real about it.

It’s little wonder that the possibility of kids being able to sue parents for having shared their image without their consent is becoming a real prospect.

Ways to share images safely

If you really desperately want to share pictures of your children, here are a few tips to doing it safely:

• Create a private album on a cloud drive and share it with only trusted family and friends, ensuring they know not to distribute the photos anywhere else.
• If you share on social media, don’t share your location.
• Although this is not a sure way to avoid pictures ending up in the wrong hands, try to set up your privacy controls before you share pictures so you can limit who can view the pictures.
• Avoid posting pictures of your children in bathing suits or in the bath tab, even on accounts you think are for only “friends and relatives”.

This isn’t limited to Instagram and Facebook, but includes all kinds of social networks including WhatsApp and WeChat. I recently got a WhatsApp message from a relative who had set her profile picture to a pic of my daughter. When I asked her where she’d got the picture and why she had it on as her profile picture, she jovially announced she had taken a screenshot of it when I had it on as my profile picture. Now her friends and their friends could easily do the same and I had absolutely no control over it.

Social networking sites and tech companies must take a big portion of responsibility and blame for nefarious online activities, as do legislators. Although they do their best and employ hundreds of people to review content to make sure it is safe, it’s still alarming how much heinous content gets through the cracks.

This isn’t about preventing anyone from posting anything online about their children. It’s to educate yourself and your children about the darker side of social media and take some necessary steps in ensuring online safety for your family and loved ones, especially the young ones. Technology is an amazing thing and the power of social media, when used correctly, is undoubtedly hugely beneficial to individuals and companies.

So, the next time you are ‘oversharenting’ (oversharing about your children on social media) or cross-posting (posting the same pictures simultaneously on your different social networking platforms) pictures of your adorable chubby cheek cutie, you may want to rethink … not everyone is looking at them with the same lens.

These days, instead of spending hours posting pictures of my kids on social media, I dance with them like no one is watching, because frankly, no one is watching: everyone’s busy on their phones, posting on social media.

Pearl Kasujja-Van de Velde is a dual Ugandan/Belgian national, a mother to two amazing girls, a wife, and a storyteller. To get in touch, visit her website at www.pearlkasujja.com.

KEEP READING: The Impact of Birth Order on Parenting Styles and Children’s Personalities

Photos: Unsplash

If you have ever been to France during the summer vacation, you might have seen a puzzling sight: school-aged children bent over brightly colored workbooks, studiously filling out activity pages, practicing their writing, and working out math problems. Whether at the beach, at restaurant tables, or lying on the grass in their grandparent’s backyard, French kids seem to be addicted to learning, even during their long mid-year break. What gives?

First things first: these cahiers de vacances – literally ‘vacation workbooks’ –  are designed to reinforce what a child has learned the previous school year, while also preparing them for the year to come. Originally conceived to create an additional spike in yearly book sales, today they are big business: all the biggest French publishing houses create their own cahiers, and according to a study by market research institute GFK, 4.6 million units were sold in 2018.

Many parents see them as a boon: they are widely available and an easy, inexpensive way to keep kids occupied during the break while also supporting their learning. The fact that France has a famously rigid school system in which the exact same curriculum is taught to all grades, in all provinces and overseas territories at the same time makes it even easier, as parents simply find a workbook written for their child’s grade, and off they go. But while the French may have been the first to design holiday workbooks, they certainly aren’t the only ones. There is now a wide range of self-guided learning materials available in pretty much any language you might desire, printed by educators, publishers, and private industries all over the world.

Some parents are against getting their children to do homework during the holidays when they need to decompress and play, but most agree that there is value in keeping kids intellectually stimulated over the break, in order to avoid the dreaded “summer slide”, the loss of academic skills and knowledge over the course of long school holidays that particularly affects young children.

While parents in Beijing may balk at the idea of getting their kids to do homework during the holiday break, when they have already had so much disruption to their learning this year, we believe that there is room to make learning fun, creative and exciting for kids so that they can reinforce what they’ve learned in ways that don’t even feel like homework.

If you’re looking for fun and creative ways to keep your kids engaged during the long summer weeks, we’ve rounded up a list of free online resources on our website, that you can download and print for your own kids. We’ll keep the list constantly updated, so be sure to check back regularly for more.

Free Printable Holiday Learning Resources for Beijing Families

This article appeared in the beijingkids 2020 June issue

In our regular magazine piece ‘West Meets East’, we interview two Beijing families from two different cultural backgrounds about the same topic. This month, we talked to the Monte-Wen family from Italy and China and the Yong-Xing family from China about their approach to family travel.

Stefano Monte is originally from Venice, Italy and has been a prominent figure in the Beijing F&B scene since 2012. The former restaurant GM is currently taking time off from work to be a full-time dad. His wife Linn Wen is originally from Hunan Province and moved to Beijing to pursue her career as a journalist. She’s now working as an Executive Assistant in a tech company and enjoys reading, studying Japanese, and drinking Chinese tea in her spare time. Their seven-year-old daughter Melissa was born and raised in Beijing, is a student at the Italian Embassy School of Beijing, and loves Muay Tai and Brazilian jiu-jitsu.

Let’s just jump to the big question. What’s your family’s plan for this summer?

To stay in Beijing. If you compare it with other countries China is safer in terms of COVID-19 prevention. Plus, there are no international flight available at the moment.

Growing up, did your parents plan big family trips? If so, what did you like or hate about them?

No, we didn’t take big family trips because my parents didn’t like to move too much.

Do you think it’s important for children to travel at a young age and explore other cultures?

For children it’s very important travel and discover new cultures. Opening their minds helps kids to grow faster. My daughter lives in China but spends the summer holidays in Italy, so she is learning two different cultures and I’m sure she will get the best from both.

Do you think traveling contributes to a child’s personal and emotional development?

For sure. At first children might feel lost but I’m sure that seeing different people and different environments can help their personal development.

Do you think it’s better to travel as a family or to send children on summer camp group trips?

Both are good options. It’s safer with family because you always have support, but if you go to summer camp alone, you will become stronger because you’ll need to be more independent.

Are you concerned about the safety of your children when traveling?

It depends on which country we travel to. Beijing is very safe. But in some other countries you need to have four pairs of eyes on your kids.

Do you think traveling frequently while growing up helps prepare children for their independent life after high school?

Yes, I think so.

Dad Yao Yong graduated from Tsinghua University and was one of the founding members of Shuimu Nianhua (水木年华), a folk singing group. He later created his own internet gaming company, QQ Xuanwu, a music and dance game that has left a lasting legacy for a whole generation of Chinese gamers. Mom, Fang Xing also graduated from Tsinghua University and worked as a senior executive in a foreign enterprise and later went on to study at MIT. After being a stay-at-home mom for a few years, she opened a cake studio that is now very popular amongst celebrities. They have two sons, Owen (age 9) and Oliver (age 4).

Let’s just jump to the big question. What’s your family’s plan for this summer?

At the end of July, we and the families of a few of Owen’s friends are taking an RV and heading down to Qinghai Lake. We’re all really excited about this trip. We are looking forward to seeing Qinghai Lake and the Chaka Salt Lake as well as experiencing the beauty of nature and the endless prairies there.

Growing up, did your parents plan big family trips? If so, what did you like or hate about them?

I grew up in Nanjing and when I was a kid I went with my mother to Shanghai for a business trip. Then when I graduated middle school early, in the fifth grade, my mother took me on a long vacation to celebrate. We traveled down south from Nanjing, to Guilin, Wuhan, Guangzhou, and Shenzhen. This kind of travel would not have been easy from an adult’s perspective, with all the expenses and time arrangements. But as a young kid, I was very happy and excited to go to all kinds of scenic spots, learn about the local customs and traditions, and taste all sorts of delicacies. Now when I think about it, the memories are still vivid.

Do you think it’s important for children to travel at a young age and explore other cultures?

I’ve been traveling with my kids ever since they were young. It’s not so much that I want to broaden their horizons, as much as I want to travel and explore, and in doing so and I just happen to have to bring my kids with me. But there are a lot of interesting anecdotes we have of our travels, and now we often go back to those times. They may not remember certain events, but they can still recall those stories.

I’m grateful because I have had the opportunity to see many different lifestyles and regional cultures, and experience the tolerance and empathy the local people.

Do you think traveling contributes to a child’s personal and emotional development?

I think it does. Oliver, for example, was very introverted when he was a kid. In the past few years, the children have accompanied me in some of the most thrilling situations. For example, we went skiing in the US when we were hit by a snowstorm and trapped in our cabin in the woods, without food and water. We couldn’t go out. At that time, Oliver was just one and Owen was six. Owen braved the storm and helped me shovel snow, until eventually, we found paved roads. In that 24-hour period, the children did not eat or drink yet they were quite calm and cooperative.

Do you think it’s better to travel as a family or to send children on summer camp group trips?

Both are good options. Every year, we take a family trip together. My dad also insists on the boys and men traveling together. My brother has participated in solo summer and winter camps for the past two years. Different travel experiences will invoke a variety of emotions and provide various different advantages.

Are you concerned about the safety of your children when traveling?

Concerns are always going to be there. So choose the camps and event organizers you know well. In the last few years, we have participated in Qixing’s winter and summer camps, which take professionalism and safety very seriously.

Do you think traveling frequently while growing up helps prepare children for their independent life after high school?

I haven’t thought about that aspect much, to be honest. But now it seems that my two children have no problem adapting. Then again, I certainly didn’t lead an independent life before coming to Beijing to Nanjing for university.

KEEP READING: Parents From Different Cultural Backgrounds Share Their Thoughts on Summer Activities

This article appeared in the beijingkids 2020 June issue

After months of limited mobility during the pandemic, the opportunity to get out of the city and explore is just too tempting to pass up. Visions of sandy beaches and Great Wall hikes shimmer like an oasis on the horizon. But having kids add a whole new dimension to the travel experience, and gone are the days when all you needed was a last-minute flight deal and a backpack with a bikini, passport, and sunscreen. Here are a few ideas to make your summer vacation plans a little less stressful and a lot more fun for the entire family.

The Anticipation

Half the fun of a new adventure (at least for me) is the planning, dreaming, and research beforehand and there is no reason you can’t get your kids involved. Pick up some child-friendly books about the place you are visiting, locate it on a map, and have them help you do internet research. Let the smallest members of your family choose activities, which can be as simple as building the world’s greatest sand castle or as involved as mapping out a Peruvian hiking trail. By doing this, you learn more about your child’s interests and they might turn you on to activities you never would have thought to try. So your little football player wants to learn the art of Batik? Cool!

The Backpack

“Are we there yet?”, “Will you stop touching me?”, and “Mom, I’m boooooored!!!!!” are arguably the most annoying phrases in a child’s vocabulary and all of them are likely to pop up if you spend more than 30 minutes in transit. Many people recommend packing a bag filled with activities to keep kids occupied, but pretty often the bag is ripped open and rifled through, and the kids are kicking the seat in front of them by the time you have reached cruising altitude.

Creating a series of ‘mini packs’ is a clever way to make an activity bag last the whole journey. To do this, get several smaller opaque bags, pencil cases, or containers and label them 1,2,3 etc.  Put things in each case that relate to a different phase of your trip and tell the kids you will let them know when to open each numbered bag. This adds an element of anticipation and makes opening the bag as much of an activity as the books and games inside.

The first pack can be opened while waiting at the terminal. It can include things like a blow-up beach ball to burn off excess energy, and which you can then deflate and save for later. The second bag should be opened after boarding/pre-take off and include things like sugar-free gum or candy to help little ears adjust to the altitude, and a new storybook. The third can be opened after the meal and can include a no-mess art project. I love Melissa & Doug brand ‘Water Wows’ (coloring books with a water pen) for travel because they are cheap and reusable. Depending on how long the trip is you can have an additional pack with soft PJ’s and a new toothbrush before bed. Finally, an hour or two before arrival you can let the kids open a pack with a healthy snack and books or photos about your destination and the friends or family you are about to see.

Don’t Over Pack

Especially with small children, it’s easy to want to bring everything you might possibly need, including enough baby wipes to survive the zombie apocalypse. But checking in luggage makes trips longer and more exhausting for everyone. Do you really want to chase your five-year-old around the luggage carousel with a cranky two-year-old on your jet-lagged hip? Instead, try to pack light and purchase disposables when you arrive. Better yet, ship things like diapers and formula to the hotel or place you are staying so they are waiting for you, and call ahead to ask hotels if they can set up a crib for you.

Make Adult Activities Child-Friendly

You don’t have to steer clear of the things you want to do just for the sake of the kids. With just a few minutes of preparation, you can enjoy a traditionally grown-up activity with your child. If you have scheduled a tour, write up a scavenger hunt for your little one. It can be as complex or easy as you like. For example, if you’re doing a Chiang Mai temple tour, you can get older kids to look for the ninja turtle sculpture at the white temple and try to find the Buddha in all seven traditional positions at the Blue Temple. Younger kids can tally how many elephant statues or pictures they can find throughout the day.

Cooking classes are also a great alternative to tours, as they introduce your kids to the local culture via food and are interactive. Just call ahead and make sure the menu is child friendly. The kids will need you to help with cutting but they can mix, measure, and of course, taste.

Plan, but Don’t Over Plan

On vacation, a healthy balance between activities and poolside chill time is vital. Remember that as exciting as travel can be, it can also get overwhelming. So, if three days in a row of tours and classes are too much, break it up with a beach day or afternoon at the movies. Stay flexible, as the objective is quality time not checking off a list of Must Do activities.

Grown-Up Time

Not every activity needs to be about the entire family. This is your vacation too, so plan at least one or two things that are special for you and your significant other. Get a babysitter and take time to reconnect. After all you were a family of two before the kids came along and you will be again long after they are planning vacations for their own children. Travel is a time to reconnect and strengthen your bond with each other away from the noise of everyday life.

Keep a Family Journal

My travel journal is one of my prized possessions. It is an evolving record of cherished experiences and it is one of the few things I would grab in a fire. To make your own travel journal, once a day during the trip have each family member share a moment and take turns recording their experiences. You can also add admission tickets, maps, pressed flowers, postcards or hand-drawn art that you or the kids made of the day’s activities. You can of course record this on your laptop or tablet but for me, there is something special about a physical book filled with barely legible handwriting, coffee ring stains, and washi taped ticket stubs.

Step Away From Social Media

I know, I know this is a radical statement and I am a traitor to my generation… but hear me out. Social media is a great tool for staying connected, but so often I see parents missing actual experiences because they are trying to craft a narrative for virtual ones. This sends a powerful subconscious message to our kids that the way others perceive our experience is more important than the experience itself.  I’m not suggesting that you go completely dark during your trip (unless you want to), but maybe limit your posts to one a day after the kids are asleep or one large post at the end of the vacation so you can relive the experiences. I also encourage parents to limit posed pictures. Instead, grab organic moments as they happen. The internet is flooded with posed, airbrushed photos that took an hour to get everyone framed and smiling, but pictures of imperfect people in a perfect moment are rare, beautiful, and worth sharing.

May your summer be safe, happy, and filled with adventures whether they are two hours or half a world away!

Julie Wolf is the Director of First Five Early Education Centers in New York and Director of International Education for Newhattan Early Education Centers in China. She has been working with children and parents for over 18 years as a teacher, arts integration specialist, curriculum designer and staff development expert.

This article appeared in the beijingkids 2020 June issue

According to many researchers, there are common traits between first, middle, and last-born children and your chronological status in the family can have a direct influence on your personality.

“Birth order accounts for the differences between kids within families,” says Michael Grose, a parenting expert, and author. “They may be the same gender, born two years apart, have the same educational experience yet they’re chalk and cheese”, he notes.

Ready, set, go!

What are the typical character traits?

Leading researchers and psychologists have noted that firstborns and single children tend to be high achievers and leaders. They may also be controlling, bossy, neurotic, and tend to follow the status quo of their parents’ world view. Winston Churchill, Shakespeare, Albert Einstein, Mussolini as well as more than half of Nobel Prize winners, were all either firstborns or only children.

The second or middle child, however, is more likely to be the peacemaker of the family and may possess excellent negotiating skills. They are often more socially adjusted, more relaxed, have more friends and seek friendships outside the family.

Finally, youngest children tend to be the charming rebels, the life of the party, fun-loving, creative, and attention-seekers. They tend to have more freedom and are subsequently more likely to try new things and do what they want to do. Younger siblings are less sure of their parents’ view and therefore more often choose alternative paths in life.

Of course children are individuals, each with different needs; some are high-strung, while others are easy-going and these different personalities may require different parenting approaches with each child. Furthermore, the birth order is influenced by the experience of the parent: for the firstborn child, many parents are thrown in at the deep end, learning on the job, with no experience. They may instinctively feel more protective of the child. Then with the second and subsequent ones, they may be more relaxed around parenting, all this unwittingly leading to some of the personality traits described by researchers.

What about for larger families?

But pretty much all research on the topic fo birth order focusses on families of two, maybe three, rarely four but definitely not more than five children. So, this theory is put in a spin when it comes to my family. I am proud number nine in a family of 10. With eight middle children, where do I start? I’ll concentrate only on the first and last-born children.

My mum once told me that when her firstborn child, our eldest sister started crawling, she buffered the entire floor with cushions so the baby wouldn’t hurt herself. By the time it trickled down to (middle) babies number three, five, seven, and so forth her instructions to the school and other caretakers was more along the lines of “unless there is blood, do not call me for a crying child”. In the meantime, baby number one had totally assumed motherly roles for her younger siblings and now is as bossy as they come.

Having had a baby almost every year, my mum thought she was done when she pushed out number nine (lucky me). And according to my older sisters, I was pampered, coddled, and spoilt rotten by my mum, who thought that I was going to be her last. I could do no wrong in her eyes and life was good.

Then four years later, baby number ten unexpectedly arrived on the scene and ruined my “last born” party. My little sister instantly adopted the personality traits of a last-born child too, because many fit her to a T.

When it comes to my children, I think the big age gap between them makes it hard to tell if these traits apply as they are like two only-children. Our oldest certainly demonstrates a lot of first child independence, and she is also very hands-on with her sister, assuming a leadership (but not bossy) role when helping her dress up or eat. We are yet to determine the young one’s personality but they may end up having similar personalities if parenting style has anything to do with it.

How seriously should we take all this? 

But despite all the discussion and research, is there really enough concrete evidence to support all these theories above? Do they apply to everyone and everywhere? It’s been noted that at times, these investigations used questionable methods. And scientists who analyzed large, transnational data and compared different families with each other found that the effect of sibling succession on personality disappears almost completely.

At the end of the day, a persons personality depends on a huge range of factors, and we have a long way to go before figuring it all out.

“It is quite possible that the position in the sibling sequence shapes the personality – but not in every family in the same way,” says Frank Spinath, a psychologist at Saarland University in Germany. “In other words, there may be an influence but not a systematic one.”

Oh and by the way, I’m still our mum’s favorite… but that’s a secret.

Pearl Kasujja-Van de Velde is a dual Ugandan/Belgian national, a mother to two amazing girls, a wife, and a storyteller. To get in touch, visit her website at www.pearlkasujja.com.

KEEP READING: Pink for Boys, Blue for Girls: You Are (Not) What You Wear

Photos: Unsplash

Dads are sometimes overlooked in the parenting discussion, particularly in China, when most of the caretaking responsibilities of young children fall on mothers and other women in the family. Yet when it comes to parenting, Ben Bowering, who is originally from New Zealand, is all about making sure his two daughters (aged nine and four) each develop their own independent personality and explore who they want to be.

We talked to Ben about his parenting style, how he addresses familial conflicts, and how he spends his time with his children.

Ben, his wife Maggie, and their two daughters at their wedding.

What are your expectations for your children? What kind of person do they hope to be in the future? 

Firstly, I hope they individually develop their own personalities. I, along with my wife Maggie prioritize this greatly, and since our children are quite young now, we have the opportunity to lead by example. From an early age, we start by allowing the children to pursue activities that they think they can do well in, before letting them take on responsibilities and activities that would enable them to take care of others.

Secondly, we hope that they can spend a good amount of time understanding themselves. I hope that as they grow, they can explore their passions and their purpose in this world, and not become people they do not want to be. This process of exploration can be difficult at times, but if it’s done, the children will find it very easy to find what they really like and stick to it.

Finally, I hope they make friends who have a high emotional quotient (EQ). I think most people will have similar intelligence quotients (IQs) across the board, but people with high EQs are rarities and they are often those who are never alone. I’ve come to realize that having a high EQ doesn’t mean that you have to begrudgingly cater to the needs of others. Rather, it allows you to make true friends who don’t need to rely on you to excel and succeed. Associating with friends who have high EQs will also help later on in life. If they also have children, their relationship with their children will be more harmonious. After all, interpersonal relationships play a very important role in people’s moods and emotions.

On a 5-point scale, with 1 being very laid-back and relaxed, and 5 being very strict, how would you rate the parenting methods you use in your family? Are you satisfied with this parenting style?

I would rate our family at a 3, somewhere between the two extremes. Our family is a fusion of Chinese and Western values, especially when it comes to learning habits. We combine the easy-going nature of life that I experienced growing up in New Zealand and the strict Chinese education system that Maggie has been through. When I was a kid growing up in New Zealand, we would always be outdoors. I would play outside after school until the streetlights went out. This is obviously different from how things are done here in China. Kids here are very competitive when it comes to academics, and traditionally, kids are supposed to continue reading and studying once they get back home from school.

You could describe the parenting methods Maggie and I have for our family to be slightly free-range. We do set some house rules and everyone abides by them, but it’s a relaxed environment overall. For example, when the children are doing their homework, Maggie and I won’t be sitting next to them and physically observe whether they’re actually being productive or not. Staring at them as they complete a worksheet won’t help them at all in the long run, and will instead annoy them. They might even begin to view the homework they get in subjects they like as mundane chores rather than as fun activities.

At present, our two children are still in the lower grades of elementary school and have not yet reached puberty. So strictly speaking, we are all very satisfied with the current dynamic. But there is no guarantee that in the future, the children will remain as girls, and my wife and I will be mentally prepared as they mature and become adolescents. Whether we can smoothly and amicably spend the time our kids are in puberty is still unknown to us, but I believe our words and deeds are now paving the way for a loving parent-child relationship.

During the COVID-19 pandemic, did you or your family members get to have more time with the children? How do you usually spend your family time?

At the beginning of the pandemic, our whole family was on vacation in Japan. I returned to Shanghai in early February. I went back to work in late March. My wife worked from home then, and the children pursued online learning from home as well. My wife has been working very hard these past months, having to work, do housework, and assist the kids as they take online classes all at the same time. It can get stressful at times, so whenever I go home, I make sure to cook the meals.

On the weekends, we now go to a nearby park for a picnic. If we were going to a park in New Zealand, we would put up tents for the night, but in parks here in China, the small pavilions by themselves make very good tents! Off late, the four of us have also been learning how to play mah-jong (麻将, májiànɡ). Playing this traditional Chinese board game is now the new pastime of the family. I read somewhere that having kids play mah-jong can enhance their observation skills and power of reasoning. But to be honest, we’re just treating it as a fun activity that gets the whole family involved.

Ben with his two daughters and their family dog.

What activities do you enjoy doing with your children?

There’s a lot of activities that I love doing with the children. We watch reality shows and TV series after dinner. Everyone in the family looks forward to watching TV after dinner because it’s an opportunity to relax and chat after a long day working and studying.

We all like to watch cooking reality TV shows. The children get a lot of inspiration from watching MasterChef Junior. Even though what they replicate from the show is quite simple, I can see their passions and interest in good. However, the activity I like doing most with my family is to travel together. I enjoy the process of making travel plans and arranging the activities to do each day while we’re on tour. Last year, the four returned to New Zealand so that my wife and I could get married. Family and friends from all over came for the event. Everyone had a blast. I believe that that New Zealand trip left lasting memories on our two girls. After all, they had the opportunity to attend the wedding of their parents, which was very special.

If a disagreement arises between you and your wife on your child’s education, how do you usually address it?

My wife and I are quite consistent with our views and perspectives, especially on education. Because the children and she spend a lot of time together, she understands what the children need and what difficulties they are facing. She does discuss these things with me at the end of the day once the kids go to bed. If it’s something wonderful and interesting the kids are pursuing, or if they’re making some progress in a task or activity, she will share it with me in front of the kids. This is important, as the children themselves see that their parents are acknowledging their achievements. To be honest with you, I have actually missed many wonderful moments of the kids growing up due to work. But, having these discussions with my wife has been fantastic, and it allows me to stay involved.

KEEP READING: Daddy Diaries: “I Hope My Child Can Become a True Global Citizen”

This article is an adapted translation of an article that was originally published on our sister site, jingkids.

Images: jingkids Shanghai