Mom Cindy Marie Jenkins is the Deputy Managing Editor of beijingkids and corporate consultant, and her husband Dan is a theme park designer. The couple moved to Beijing from the US in June of 2019 with their two sons Malcolm (age 6) and Bashy (age 4).

When was your first date?

I consider my first date to be the first time I invited a guy to my house specifically because I wanted to be more than friends. I was fourteen. We played some basketball games and then watched “The Little Mermaid” on VHS. By the time Sebastian the crab sang “Kiss the Girl,” I guess I’d made my intentions clear because he did.

What age should kids start dating?

It really depends on the kid, but I thought I was ready by 13 or 14. I was at least ready to make the mistakes I needed to make in order to learn and mature. By 15, I moved from dating to some longer relationships. As idiotic as I acted sometimes, I learned so much about myself – what I want and what I deserve – that later relationships were much better – or at least over faster!

Do you think children should have romantic relationships before college?

I will absolutely support my children having romantic relationships before college. If they want to pursue dating, my husband and I will be there for them, however they need us. And if our kids don’t want to talk to us, I hope they have someone else they can trust.

Have you talked to your children about sex?

Not yet. Malcolm has a great book called “It’s Not the Stork” that we read whenever he has questions. It talks about bodies and fertilization of eggs pretty plainly, without saying how the sperm gets to the egg. We taught them the real terms for their body parts; we don’t use nicknames. Once his understanding of biology catches up with his questions, we still plan to answer plainly and honestly. Kids understand so much more than we give them credit for, and if we don’t tell them the truth, they’ll seek it somewhere else.

We do, however, discuss consent. “If you are playing and your friend isn’t having fun and says no, you stop and see if they’re okay. You need their consent, or permission to tickle them,” that kind of thing. Both kids know they have the right to say “No, stop. I don’t like that” anytime, whether it’s tickling or playing or getting their picture taken. We are adamant that they can and should tell us when they want to stop doing something, even if they don’t know why.

When they start dating, do you want to know the details? Why?

I doubt I will want to know the details. However, my parents always made it clear that if they needed me, I could talk to them, and sometimes I did. Knowing that I could talk to them went a long way towards trusting them. I don’t remember giving them details but I did ask for help when I needed to buy birth control, and I was more uncomfortable than they were about it.

More important than knowing details, I want my kids to know they can always talk to us without judgment. I don’t want them to ever feel shame about their bodies or their feelings. Whether they talk to me or their Dad or whoever, I want our kids to know they can ask any question, any time.

Do you think PDAs (public displays of affection) are acceptable in front of kids?

Absolutely. We are their models for relationships. My husband and I don’t have make-out sessions in front of them, but we show affection. Since they are little mimics, we are careful not to do anything that we don’t want them to play-act with their friends. But we’ve never considered not showing affection to a certain degree.

What are your biggest concerns regarding your children’s emotional development?

I want them to feel free to be themselves, to explore who that is and how they interact with the world. Some of our favorite authors and creators encourage their audience to consider the world complexly, and that is the core of what we want for our kids. There are few easy answers in the world, especially in relationships. They see us work out conflicts or disagreements together. There aren’t always good guys and bad guys in a story; the world is more complicated than that.

After sheltering in place and being in quarantine for so long, we are now re-learning some social and emotional development. It can be slow going, but their friendships in Beijing help.

What is the number one piece of relationship advice you will pass on to your children?

Trust your gut. Embrace your feelings and express them, even or especially if they are scary. Surround yourself with people who challenge you, support you, and will always look out for your best interests. Treat everyone who you date with respect, and expect that same respect in return. That’s more than one piece of advice! It all comes down to respect and consent.

Dad, Xing Tao graduated from Peking University and went on to co-found Beijing Chuangshi Excellence Culture Co., Ltd with his wife Gong Xun, a company that publishes and distributes children’s’ books. Mom, Gong Xun, graduated from Renmin University of China. They have two children, Leslie (7) and Ivy (5) who both go to Harrow Beijing.

When was your first date?

Gong Xun: My first date was during my third year of high school, with one of my classmates. Even though I was very studious and academic at the time, I still made room for emotional growth and feelings. After finishing my homework at midnight, I would often listen to Zero Point Music radio show hosted by Wu Zhoutong. Whenever I liked someone, listening to love songs and stories felt different. The first time I went out on a date was to watch a movie, “Love Mala Tang.” We had reached the theatre late and the movie had already started. When we entered the pitch dark theatre hall, Karen Mok’s hit song “I Want a Boy” was playing. The rhythm and lyrics of the music really matched my mood at that time [laughs.] That was how my first love began.

What age should kids start dating?

The mental maturity of each child is different, so I think it’s difficult to judge when it’s acceptable to them to start dating just by age. I think if the child is relatively mature, then they are ready to go on dates. The person should have a good understanding of themselves, have independent opinions, and be able to solve problems through communication with others. Above all, the most important thing is to have a sense of responsibility and to know how to respect others’ feelings.

Do you think children should have romantic relationships before college?

I will support the choices that my children make when they reach an age where they are mentally mature enough to make those choices. So, whether they are in college or not is not really important.

Have you talked to your children about sex?

I will definitely talk to my children about sex, and gradually deepen the topic as they grow older. Currently, one of my two children is seven years old and the other is five. For the time being, we have discussed how a baby is born, and the physical differences between boys and girls. For this, I bought an awesome book called “Our Body,” which contains very good content and is well-written. In terms of sex education, I am more of an academic buff. So I will basically shortlist books and resources that I think are suitable for the kids, content-wise. Then I will either read and narrate the key points to the children, or I’ll let them read by themselves.

When they start dating, do you want to know the details? Why?

I wouldn’t want to know the details of their relationship, because I am not the type of mother who frets about everything regarding their children. For example, at their current age and stage of life, my children mainly play with children of the same age. Of course, while playing, conflicts do come up. However, I generally do not focus on the minute details of these conflicts. I just figure out which side is right and wrong, whether I should apologize, and how the reconciliation should take place.  As parents, you should respect your children and care for them. So, in the process of educating your children, you should give them full trust and understanding.

Do you think PDAs (public displays of affection) are acceptable in front of kids?

This is hard to say. When the children are very young, I don’t think there is any problem with it. But once the children are older, I am afraid that excessive displays of intimacy could bring about negative feelings of awkwardness and embarrassment.

What are your biggest concerns regarding your children’s emotional development?

My two children have very different personalities. My son is a very emotional person, enthusiastic, and impulsive at times. I just worry about him making bad choices when in that impulsive mood. But if he can stay in control and think deeply about himself and his actions, he will be able to deal with problems calmly. My daughter, on the outside, is lovely and well-behaved, but inside she is strong and has her own opinions. In terms of her future, what I worry about most is that she can be herself in a relationship.

What is the number one piece of relationship advice you will pass on to your children?

To learn how to respect others. If they are in a relationship, they should be able to balance that between their individuality and their outlook with friends, family, and other groups of people. When in a relationship, one must establish a sense of responsibility and form a positive outlook on life and values. I think that by finding a person who encompasses these three pieces of advice, happiness is just around the corner.

KEEP READING: West Meets East: Parents From Different Cultures Dish on Parenting

Photos: Courtesy of parents

This article appeared in the beijingkids 2020 September issue

For many parents, the prospect of initiating the birds and the bees conversation can be daunting. What is the right language to use? How much information is too much information, and on the flip side, how little is not informative enough? What are the resources I, as a parent, can use to initiate this conversation with my children? And at the end of the day, is it that important for me to have this conversation with my child or should I leave it to their teachers? These are just some of the questions which are wont to raise in parents’ minds when confronted with the prospect of the birds and the bees conversation. Everything from conventional wisdom to personal beliefs and even nationality can dictate how, or even whether parents have this conversation with their children.

For those who grew up in mostly conservative countries, it was almost unimaginable for religious parents to ever dare to have this sort of conversation with us beyond the ‘sin’ and ‘abstinence’ rhetoric. This responsibility often fell on our teachers, who mostly taught sex education from a biological point. This however didn’t do much in the way of preparing many students for a world ruled by peer pressure, and the imagery we got via various media.

So, how do parents and educators avoid the pitfalls which befell previous generations in terms of sex education? And how might a parent’s upbringing color how they might engage with, and relay sex education to their children?

Rebecca Gong and her kids

A Chinese Mom’s Perspective

China’s parent-child relationships are historically known to be quite conservative. This was no different for Beijing mom Rebecca Gong. According to Gong, “I’m from an ordinary Chinese family. Although my parents are more open-minded than most traditional Chinese parents, they still didn’t take the initiative to talk about sex with me when I was growing up.” It comes as no surprise then that, according to the Public Health School of Pekin University study done in 2015, only 10% of nearly 20,000 university students had received any sexuality education while in primary school. This vacuum begs the question of who then is responsible for providing these young people with information? Some might point to schools, and the Chinese government has answered the call to bridge this gap through the Chinese Family Planning Association (CFPA), which aims to provide Comprehensive Sexual Education (CSE) which promotes peer education among the youth.

But is this the be-all and end-all? Not according to Gong, who thinks the onus should also fall on parents as well as schools along with initiatives such as the CSE by the CFPA. “I think both parents and teachers have the responsibility to teach children sex education. Teachers represent formal education. Sex education should be more knowledge-based, and it should be taught as natural science. For parents, they mainly shoulder the responsibility of family education,” asserts Gong, adding “In terms of sex education, I think parents should pay more attention to the changes and needs of their children in their emotional, physical, and psychological development.” And to help her with this task, Gong professes to buying books which might help her gain more knowledge with which to teach her son and daughter.

Admittedly, Gong’s two children are still on the younger side (ages five and seven) to have the complexities of CSE explained to them. This, however, doesn’t mean that some information cannot be provided to them. Gong relies on one trick. “I think that when the children are already curious about sex, I can start sex ed. For example, when children ask: How did you give birth to me? This is a good opportunity to explain female anatomy,” explains Gong.

As far as Gong goes, when her children are ready, they will find her prepared to provide them with as much information as she can provide.

David Hanssen with his boys (and cat)

And Then There’s The Crazy Westerners

While on the other side of the world, Scandinavia and western European countries like Germany are hailed as some of the most liberal countries in the world in all matters including sex and sex education. Comprehensive Sex Education in Germany, for instance, was made mandatory for all German students in 1992. Even before this government mandate, many schools had made CSE a part of their curriculum as far back as the 1970s. One might expect this to hold true also in the US. But with no federal mandated curriculum, each American state is free to include CSE or ban it entirely. Increasingly, the push against CSE in America is on religious grounds. So while some states mandate compulsory CSE, others offer no more than a religious-based call to abstinence and no more.  What do American kids do and how does this plethora of approaches mean in the long run? It means that compared to Germany for instance, America has three times more cases of teenage pregnancy, with teenagers in America being far less likely to use contraception compared to their Western European counterparts.

David Hanssen is a product of this system. He was among the children who got an early, albeit academic introduction to CSE. “If I remember correctly, we had a sex education class in grade 6 in middle school. It was about a week-long lesson in place of our normal science class where they separated boys and girls into different rooms and showed videos and had discussions about puberty, sex, etc. I don’t think my father talked to me about sex until my senior year of high school, right before I went off to college,” recollects Hanssen. Much like Gong, Hanssen believes both teachers and parents share the responsibility of providing sex education to their students, but not in equal measure. “I feel it’s definitely the parents’ responsibility to talk about sex, love, and having children. But I also feel it’s good for the school to then educate students about the same. The more information the better,” asserts Hanssen.

As the dad to two sons ages six and 10, he also believes in not only tapping the pool of Beijing dads for wisdom and resources but also a balanced and frank conversation with both parents. Hanssen explains, “I think it’s important for both parents to have separate one on one conversations about it. I think it’s important for my sons to get both the male and female views on sex.” And like many progressive parents, Hanssen believes in providing this information as early as possible. There is an increasing concern amongst parents around the world over that. In the absence of this information, young and impressionable children might still get access to highly inappropriate content thanks to the increased prevalence of mobile devices. “90% of my 10-year-old’s friends have some sort of electronic device – iPads, phones, laptops – and I’m sure they are curious and searching before their parents even realize it’s time to have “the talk”, ventures Hanssen.

In the face of such possibilities, it would behoove parents to take the bull by the horns and have these often uncomfortable conversations with their children. Most international schools in Beijing have some form of CSE, which might go a long way in priming children for the all-important “Birds and Bees” talk, but as both local Chinese families and international families alike are facing the realities of freedom of information in this tech savvy day and age, it never hurts to introduce this topic to the kids in the way you and your family feel most comfortable.

KEEP READING: Take It From Me!: Parenting Advice From a Child to the Grownups

Images: Courtesy of parents, unsplash

This article appeared in the beijingkids 2020 September issue

Whether it be romantic or platonic, personal relationships influence who you become. They are the foundations for an individual’s happiness and health, and healthy relationships with friends and family fill our days with liveliness and entertainment. We asked a few expats in Beijing to give us insight on the best relationship advice they have ever gotten.

Billy Jin
General Manager of Grand Mercure Beijing Dongcheng

“Every individual is special therefore we need to respect that and treat each friend differently.”

Mina Yan
Managing Editor at Beijingkids

“One of my favorite pieces of relationship advice comes from my best friend from high school. During my last trip home, we met up for dinner to catch up and while on the topic of our relationships, I spilled the beans on the small things that my husband does that gets on my nerves; one of them being how he always throws his laundry halfway into the basket. After I was done she looked at me like I was crazy and said ‘if that’s your biggest concern in your relationship then you need to chill the f*ck out and get over it. No one is perfect in every way, yourself included, but if they’ve got the qualities that actually matter in a long term partner, then we need to chill out and not sweat the small stuff.’ “

Camilla Kongshavn Jovanovic
Mompreneur

“100% transparency. There are no secrets, no judgments. To be able to be open and honest with each other about everything is liberating.”

Tim Coghlan
Beijingkids Board Member, Global Marketing and PR at Xiaomi Technology

“Marry someone smarter than you. Someone who will help you grow and make you a better person.  All couples, but especially mixed culture couples should sit down and find a third party (counselor type) to help if needed and talk through potential future issues before getting married like; will older parents move in with the family? Will you financially support them? What are your education and child-rearing philosophies? Are grandparents full time careers? Where will you live in five, 10, 20 years, and how will you care for parents if you live in another country? And despite all the advice, there is a lot of sh*t and struggle in relationship to go through, this year has brought the worst of it too”

Patrick Fok
Journalist, Feature Story News

“Don’t go to bed before resolving an argument. But I’m not sure if that was good advice… it’s kept me up late many times!”

Tara Gillan
Director of Early Years at Beijing International Bilingual Academy (BIBA)

“Don’t underestimate the importance of self-love. You are responsible for your own happiness and well-being.”

Alessia Chizzoniti
Founder and Director of Blossom Montessori

As much as I love my friends, I never seek advice about my relationship. I may be wrong, but I think that we do not have the same backgrounds, experiences, feelings etc… and relationships are too delicate for such sharing. Having said that, this is from ‘On Marriage’, a poem by Kahil Gibran and it sums up my point of view:”

“Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

KEEP READING: Do Your Kids Think You’re Cool?

Photos: Courtesy of parents, Beatriz Pérez Moya on Unsplash

This article appeared in the beijingkids 2020 September issue

As any brother or sister can attest, the relationships between siblings are deep, complex, and sometimes downright weird. But what is it like to raise siblings, when you never had any yourself? What if you are part of an entire generation of people who grew up as only children, and to whom these bonds are perhaps some of the most alien you know? The one-child policy, which was in place between 1979 and October 2015 has given us this exact situation in China, leading to a generation of parents who are now feeling their way in the unfamiliar territory of sibling rivalries.

Many only-child parents who now have two or more kids of their own describe it as bittersweet to see their children interacting in ways that they never got to experience first-hand. Others are shocked to realize that siblings can be – to put it bluntly – bloody awful to each other and blame themselves for the inevitable conflict. For others, it’s just another parenting mystery and every day brings a new challenge and lesson.

Siyu He and family

Siyu He grew up dreaming of having an older brother who could protect her when she was young, but beyond idle daydreams, did not regret being an only child. “Honestly speaking, since I don’t know the beautiful feelings of having siblings, I never feel disappointed that I didn’t have one.” Yet like many other Chinese of her generation, she does believe that only children are more likely to be lonely, an attitude she says was influenced by her parents. “They are the only generation which had to strictly implement the only-child policy, which is their common regret. They always hoped their children could make up for it.” When starting their own family, He and her husband Huang Yaohui initially decided to have only one child, largely for financial reasons. “With the rapidly increasing cost of raising a child, especially in cities like Beijing, I think it’s better for me to have only one child.” She explains “Compared with spending half the budget on different kids, I prefer to put the whole effort in the only one, which means I could offer the only child as much as I can.” But as they say, the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry and He and her husband ended up welcoming twin boys – Yichen and Yining – into the world a year and a half ago. “Life played a little joke on me,” laughs He.

Hong Shen and family

For Hong Shen, having multiple children was always the plan. “When I was in middle school, I thought if I grew up and had kids, I would have two kids, both boys. And my dream came true!” She and her husband Michael Wei are both from China but met in the UK and are now raising their two boys Jacob (10) and David (5) in the US. By chance, the two boys share the same birthday five years apart, but as Shen has discovered, siblings often have extremely different characters, even when they have had very similar childhood circumstances. “Jacob is simpler and more straightforward, while David’s head is teeming with ideas,” says Shen.

Like He, Shen and her husband are both only children, so the process of raising siblings has been an eye-opening experience. Due to the five year age gap, her children do not play together very often, but she sees that changing as time goes on. “Especially during this pandemic, the two brothers spent more time together, and I saw little David trying to keep up with his brother. And we can tell they are happy to have a brother.”

A range of different studies has found that twins tend to form even closer bonds than fraternal siblings, and He has already noticed that despite their squabbling, her two boys can hardly stand to be apart. “Both of them feel lonely and act strangely if the other one is absent, even if they don’t realize it themselves,” she says. “Also, they always love to imitate each other. They scream together, crawl together, run together. One starts doing something, and the other one follows immediately. From their expression, I can tell they enjoy it very much.”

Marina Li and daughter

Both Marina Li and her husband Wesley grew up as only children, but now recognize advantages to having siblings that go beyond one’s own experience, such as caring for other members of the family. “As we get older, especially when our parents are older and you are not around, we begin to feel that if we had a sister or brother, it would be good to take turns to be around our parents and take care of each other.” The Li’s currently only have one child, Angelina (8), and like He, cites the expensive cost of living and education in Beijing as a reason not to have more. However, as Angelina grows up they have begun to soften on their stance. “Angelina has always wanted a sister. When she was a small child, we did not think about her needs seriously, but now she has grown up, we have talked about the matter of having another child seriously with her. She feels that she can help parents take care of her sister.” Li also adds that the fact Angelina is more grown-up and independent now means they have the energy to think about a second child.

While these three families may have diverse experiences and choices, one thing is clear: raising siblings is no walk in the park. “I bought two of everything for them to avoid their fighting” He says of her twin boys “But I failed” she laughs. “They just never stop taking the exact same thing from the other one’s hands. I underestimated the inevitable conflicts between siblings. However, if they fight for my hugs, I am always happy to see that.”

For the Shen family, finding a way to mediate the boys’ conflicts, taking into account the big age gap, has not been easy. “When boys have conflicts, we always try to be impartial judges. I know that sometimes it’s better not to participate, but often it’s out of control.” She has also discovered perhaps the trickiest parenting act of all: finding enough time to spend quality time with each of her children. Without any breathing room between her two boys, He and her husband employ a full-time ayi to add an extra pair of helping hands, but also expressed fears of losing her childrens’ love, and guilt about how much time they spend with their ayi. “Ayi definitely spends more time with my kids than I do, and considering about the kids’ age, they will easily love someone who is always around them and looking after them, I often panic that my kids need ayi more than they need me.”

Shen agrees, saying “Sometimes we feel sorry we don’t spend enough time with them. Sometimes we also feel that we are not good enough for being parents.” Guilt may be the most familiar emotion to many parents, who never feel they are giving enough to their children, but for He, a simple piece of advice shared by another parent has been especially useful. “I always try to spend my time with each of them individually,” she adds. “It’s easy for them to show their aggressive side if they are always together, but when they are alone with me, they behave differently. It becomes easier for them to communicate, show more patience, and have better concentration.” Given some time alone, He finds that the boys are able to express their individual natures more easily. “It helps me to know more about my boys, and it can also help me to find the proper ways to get along with each of them.”

But while Shen and her husband may not have experience with siblings themselves, they know what kind of relationship they want their kids to have. “Hopefully, they’ll understand that they’re supposed to be partners and friends, not competitors.”

KEEP READING: Is It Ever Ok to Discipline Someone Else’s Child?

Images: Courtesy of families, unsplash

This article appeared in the beijingkids 2020 September issue