Losing is part of life. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, things just don’t go your way. For kids, the first time they lose can be devastating. You don’t want your kids to lose, but it’s also a learning opportunity, and how we as adults handle the situation can set the stage for how they navigate losing in the future. “I dread the day when my daughter will lose her first competition. But, it’s an inevitable part of life. No one will win everything their whole life and it’s something she’ll have to learn eventually. It’s my role as her parent to guide her so that she knows losing is part of learning and it doesn’t mean that she’s a loser.” says Mina Yan.

The losses are difficult for many kids, especially if they have always been high achievers. Dulwich College Beijing senior Helena 石榴 recounts losing an annual music and drama award “At first, I was really disappointed because I was known as the music kid at school. I was younger back then, so I thought that people would be laughing at me for not winning an award. I was very embarrassed and disappointed.”

I’m Proud of You: Start from this all-important phrase. Win or lose, letting your child know that you are proud of them and their effort will give them the confidence to try again.  We all need to know we are supported and loved regardless of our achievements. Be someone who can provide that for your child.

Reshape the Experience: Acknowledge your child’s feelings about losing. It stinks. No one likes it. BUT losing can actually be a great thing because we always learn more from our losses than our wins. I have a tool I use for just about every project my students and staff complete, called Plus/Delta. It is especially helpful when things don’t go your way. Divide a piece of paper in half, and on one side put a big plus sign. Help your child find three to five things they did really well. “I didn’t quit,” or “I had the most colorful project,” or “I really liked the topic I chose.” No wrong answers. Do not let them skip this or start talking about what went wrong. It is too easy to ignore what we did well, and if we do that we forget to repeat it next time. Don’t lose the good stuff!

Next, put a triangle on the other side of the page. This is an uppercase delta, the Greek letter often used to denote change. You are not looking for things your child did badly, you want them to identify things they want to try and do differently next time. “Next time I will give myself more time to complete the project,” or “I will practice speaking more clearly for the presentation,” or “I will pass the ball more to my teammates.” The goal is to reframe negatives as opportunities for growth and give your child action items to reach their goal next time.

Helena’s Parents helped her do exactly that after losing the award. She told me “I realized that it might have been because I just entered Senior school that year (as I was previously in Junior School), so the Senior School music department probably didn’t know me that well yet. Plus, I also wasn’t very active in regard to music events or opportunities”

Next Time: This is vital! The difference between losing and failing is not trying again. Everyone loses, but as long as you learn and apply the new knowledge to the next attempt you have not failed. And that can be a very important distinction. Knowing they will always get another chance to achieve your goal takes the sting out of the loss because it is not permanent and it allows your child to move on to the next phase. Helena again, “I was very determined to win an award the next year, I joined more ECAs such as Chamber Orchestra, a more musically challenging festival ISCMS, and the annual Young Musicians Competition … as well as becoming one of the music ambassadors. Ever since I’ve been nominated numerous times and won at least one award every year!

Good Sportsmanship: Often when we are young we are competing against friends and fellow students. That gives us an opportunity to learn to be happy about our friends’ successes. Ask your child to think about how it feels to be congratulated on a win. Help them see that by saying “good game” and offering a handshake, high five, or hug, they are gifting their friend with positive feedback and support. By pouting, crying, or claiming it wasn’t fair, they might hurt their friend’s feelings when they should be enjoying their success. Your child is part of the win because they are part of the community. And in turn, when they win it will allow their friend to support them in the same way.

Have Fun: Last but not least, keep it fun and low-stakes, especially when your kids are younger. Ending each competition with a laugh and a “nice job” reminds us why we play to begin with: to have a good time!

I asked Helena, Who is getting ready to graduate this spring how she views and deals with losing now as a young adult. “Instead of viewing it as a failure, I now see it as room for growth and development. Just like rejection, I see it as redirection.  Honestly, it’s really down to luck some of the time, but that doesn’t mean you can blame it on luck. Try not to think much about what you can’t control, but what you can control, like your emotions and steps moving forward. Think of it as a chance to view your future differently.”

Isn’t that the kind of healthy attitude we all hope to have when faced with a loss?

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Images: Canva

You made It! For an entire year, you and your partner kept your child alive and managed to keep your own sanity. You threw a big first birthday party, are looking at preschools, and think you finally have this whole parenting thing down. Then something odd happens.

Your sweet little cuddle bundle is suddenly moody, aggressive, and defiant for no apparent reason. It’s not all the time. In fact, at least half the day is a joy. They are learning to do more physically, their vocabulary is increasing, and they are so wonderfully curious about everything! But one minute they are happily laughing and playing with you, and the next they are screaming and throwing the cup of water they just asked you for across the room. No, your child is not possessed! You have arrived at the terrible twos.

Most kids go through this phase at least once between the ages of 1.5 and four. And there are several good developmental reasons for it. First, your little one is trying to learn to be independent. So they are testing boundaries and trying to see what they can and cannot do both physically and socially. That can be incredibly frustrating and exhausting for them (and you) because it means they are constantly trying and failing at things. Secondly, there is a communication barrier. Toddlers are feeling and thinking a lot of things, but they don’t yet have the ability to tell others their experiences and needs. And finally, they don’t understand that their experiences and needs may not be the same as those of others. They assume that you know what they want and are not giving it to them on purpose.

So how do you deal with this incredibly important but very difficult phase? As with most things involving kids, there is no one-size-fits-all solution. But there are a few things you can do to make it easier on both of you.

Let’s start with limiting the tantrums by intervening before they start. Here are a few tools that might be helpful.

Ask Questions: Your child is trying to communicate with you, so when you see a tantrum about to set in and you don’t know why ask, “I don’t understand, can you tell me/show me what you want?”

Create a Shorthand: Especially for the much younger side of the age group, who are not particularly verbal, physical cues can be helpful while they are mastering spoken language. Figure out a signal or single word for basic things like “I want,” “please,” “thank you,” “I can do it myself,” “help me,” etc. Some children do very well with sign language until they are able to speak.

Redirecting With Limited Choices: Remember what we said about independence and boundary-pushing? That’s doesn’t mean your child is capable of making good choices. Giving your child limited options allows for the independence they need and the structure that keeps them safe. For example, rather than saying, “Sit down please,” and being met with a defiant no, you can phrase it as “Do you want to sit in the blue chair or the red chair?” You have set the boundaries because they are going to sit, but they have some control over where they sit. It’s not foolproof but it’s shocking how often this works with even the most stubborn children.

Schedules: This phase is exhausting for both of you. Your child’s brain and body are developing at lightning speed and they need more sleep and food than you think. So work that into your daily schedule. A well-rested and well-fed toddler is more likely to be (slightly) more reasonable and less prone to meltdowns, and caregivers who have a few hours of downtime during naps are more likely to be able to help navigate and support their little one during their waking hours. Getting on a schedule will also make the transition to school easier when that time comes.

But even if you are superwoman, Mary Poppins, and Mr. Rogers all rolled into one, there are going to be meltdowns. Often public ones.

Stay Calm: Breath in, breath out, and speak in an even, controlled voice. You getting upset is only going to add fuel to the fire. Your child doesn’t understand what is happening to them and needs you to talk them through it.

Acknowledge feelings: Start by identifying what they are feeling. “I see you are angry and that’s okay. Can you tell me/show me why?” For older children, ask them to identify the feeling: “I want to help you but I need to understand what you need. Can you tell me what is wrong?”

Ride the Wave: Often your child is too far gone to talk, what I oh-so-technically refer to as being “all torqued up.” Give them time to calm down, but don’t give in to the negative behavior. Stay close to them so they know you are available when they are ready to communicate. But do not acknowledge the screaming or flailing. The second they calm down and approach for a hug or voice an emotion (“I am angry/sad/hurt.”) acknowledge it, provide comfort, and give positive reinforcement for their communication.

Change Locations: If something in the environment was overwhelming or triggered the tantrum, take them to a calmer place. This is especially necessary if they are hitting or getting physically aggressive. They need to understand that feelings are okay but actions have consequences, and when we hit we cannot be around our friends. This sort of behavior often happens in play spaces or shopping areas where there is a lot of stimulation. Moving to a room with very little light, noise, or tech, or even going outside to a natural environment, can be calming and help your child process their emotions.

Offer Options and Make Them Ask: Once the crying and screaming have passed, set a new script. Identify what they want. Give them choices that are appropriate, and make them ask for what they would like. Then respond to the needs they stated. For example: “I understand you want ice cream now but we only eat ice cream for dessert. Would you like to get ice cream for us to have after dinner?” Get a “yes, please” or “no, thank you” response. If they answer affirmatively, give them a choice: “Great. Would you like chocolate or vanilla?”

Set Boundaries and Be Consistent: I know it is exhausting, but if you give in and let them have ice cream for dinner because they threw a tantrum, then what they learned is “If I yell enough I get what I want.” But if you hold your ground, they will try something else next time. This is why giving them the communication options above is so important.  Toddlers are smart and objective-oriented. A big part of this developmental phase is them figuring out the best way to get needs and wants met, and they will continue the actions that get them results. So, if tantrums get results, they will throw more tantrums. The same holds true with talking and negotiating.

None of these will work all the time. Some of them won’t work for you at all, while others will feel like a magic bullet. Every toddler is unique and evolving, so be patient and try different things. My last reminder is to take time to recharge. If you are at the end of your rope, ask for help. Tag out with your ayi or partner. Ask a friend to watch the kids for an hour so you can read a book or get a manicure, and make sure you return the favor at a later date. You need to care for yourself so that you can care for your child.

Images: Canva

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"Parenting the Love and Logic Way" is a six week parenting course open to all parents, held at Dulwich College Beijing (DCB). While it can be adopted by parents with kids of all ages, it’s just what my husband and I need right now to take on the challenges of parenting a teenager.

We were in desperate need of a new approach to parenting our younger daughter. At 13 going on 14, she is your average teenager, displaying all the cliched behavioral changes. Our ‘Rant, rave and rescue’ approach, which worked for the older one, is somehow completely failing us now. Not to mention the guilt we feel after having come down hard on her, and then fearing it will sever our relationship with our daughter in the long run.

Each child is different, we are told time and again. Our ultimate goal is to raise a respectful, responsible and confident human being, capable of pulling her weight in society, so we jumped at the opportunity to learn and try a different strategy in the hopes of being better ourselves. Two sessions in today, and we are already feeling better equipped to deal with what she throws at us. The approach was devised from results of extensive research and years of experience, by Charles Fay, PhD, and Jim Fay. 

Lesson 1: Creative ways to put an end to arguing and talking back, which is typical teenage behavior. How do we do it? Simple! Just refuse to engage and don’t take the bait to dive into a lecture. Sentences such as… "I love you too much to argue…", "I know!" or "Thanks for sharing!" can help us go figuratively ‘brain dead’ and essentially be unreactive when they push our buttons. Reacting was not working out for us at all! Delaying the consequences with this newly adopted approach is working, much to our delight. She is unsure as to why we are not responding with angst anymore, which in turn is forcing her to think about what she’s saying or asking of us.

Lesson 2: Teaching responsibility without losing their love, by being empathetic. I can’t wait to try this out as it ties in with the first lesson. The book says, "Empathy allows us to remain the good guy, while allowing our child’s poor decision to be the bad guy." Some sentences to show empathy and yet hold them accountable for an action… "That’s never good!", "What a bummer!" or "This is so sad… what are you going to do?" Only time will tell how well this works, but our initial results have been very encouraging.

Four more sessions to go, Fridays 8.30-10.00am at DCB. Feel free to attend if you’re curious, or even just looking for a few ideas to incorporate into your already effective parenting style.

Photo: Pixabay