Right now, global conversations are swirling around equal rights for women, people of color, the LGBTQ+ community, and the intersectionality therein. However, while the time to undo systemic and institutional biases is long overdue, we cannot adequately address the obstacles, discrimination, and prejudices people face unless we simultaneously discuss how these systemic and institutional biases were constructed in the first place. Namely, why dominance was arbitrarily and capriciously conferred upon men, and how that dominance not only affects the oppressed, but also the oppressor.

Put another way: None of us will be liberated until all of us are liberated.

As it happens, packed into this arbitrary dominance is a litany of unwritten rules and modes of being which, until very recently, haven’t been openly discussed all that much. Nevertheless, when you ask someone, anyone really, what it means to be a man, you will get a set of fairly uniform answers. Men are supposed to be strong, stoic emotional voids who are logical, competitive, ambitious risk-takers.

But what happens if you’re a man who doesn’t fit into one or more of these molds? What if the pressure to live these characteristics means betraying some part of yourself that you value? What if you don’t know how to make sense of a world that is often crushing and punishing, yet you also don’t know how to ask for help? 

The manifestation of these problems is staggering, and again, rarely addressed in public discourse. Case in point: men account for 10 – 15 percent of patients with anorexia or bulimia, while 40 percent have a binge eating disorder. Moreover, a study from 2017 suggested that up to 10 percent of men report postnatal depression. Perhaps most distressing is the fact that, in the United States, men make up over 75 percent of suicide victims, with an average of one man taking his own life every 20 minutes.

Luckily, brave men and women are finally beginning to open up spaces and start conversations about these issues, their underlying causes, and hidden, tragic consequences.

Such was an event this past Tuesday (Nov 5) called Get Men Talking, the first in a three-part series under the banner, Feminism Is For Everyone. Hosted at Caravan by the inimitable women of Beijing Wave, the night brought together a crowd of 35-40 individuals across a wide spectrum of identities. It was a truly representational pool of voices from around the globe, all coming together in a chorus for social justice and gender equality.

Throughout the evening attendees watched videos that touched on a number of issues plaguing the modern man, including a rundown of heart-wrenching statistics, perspectives on male stereotypes and body issues, the shame associated with being a male victim of domestic violence, and the pressures put upon men who assume the role of overworked breadwinner. The discussions that followed were poignant, powerful, heartfelt, and very, very real. And although the topics demanded a level of vulnerability that most people, especially men, aren’t comfortable demonstrating, nearly every person in the room had something to share.

When asked to reflect on the event, Beijing Wave’s founder, Jodie Warren, had this to say:

“Myself and the women of 北京Wave were moved by the success and support showed on the night. We were so grateful that the men in the room felt comfortable enough to share their honest experiences and thoughts surrounding men’s mental health. The continuous flow of passionate conversation proved how important it is for topics like this to be discussed amongst ourselves and our communities in order to spark change in the way society treats it. We really believe that the event ended with our attendees feeling positively aware of this pressing issue and we’re so thankful.”

Co-organizer, Spencer Kondak, echoed a similar sentiment:

“We [Beijing Wave] were completely thrilled with Tuesday’s turnout. Being in that room with so many diverse voices who were all there to talk about a topic we care so much about was truly inspiring. Personally, I was struck by how many people came up to me after the event and expressed their gratitude that we had planned this event about men’s mental health in particular. However, we’re more grateful to every single person in that room for coming, for sharing, for listening, and for caring about this issue. We hope in the wake of this event that we can continue an open dialogue about men’s mental health and how to enact change and fight stigma.”

beijingkids had the chance to catch up with two guys who attended Get Men Talking, and we asked them a few questions inspired by the event’s conversation. For the sake of privacy, we will be using the first initial of their first names.

beijingkids had the chance to catch up with two guys who attended Get Men Talking, and we asked them a few questions inspired by the event’s conversation. For the sake of privacy, we will be using the first initial of their surnames.

G. is a 34 year old chef who hails from Zimbabwe, while M. is 31 years old and moved to Beijing from California.

Why did you decide to attend this evening’s event?

M: I attended today’s event because this is a topic that “hits home” for me. Also, I have gone to a previous Wave event that was very informative and engaging. Listening to different perspectives in a safe and small environment is always nice.

G: I am a feminist.

Have you struggled with depression or anxiety in the past?

M & G: Yes.

Do you have male friends who have struggled with these issues?

M: I have a friend who has dealt with bouts of depression. He nonchalantly mentioned it to me one day. It kind of took me by surprise, and I didn’t know how to react initially. Although I was mostly quiet as he discussed the depression he was going through, I felt that he wasn’t really looking for me to give him a bunch of advice. The fact that he took the first step in being open with me and talking about it meant he was already on the path to recovery.

G: Yes.

Are these topics you openly discuss with friends?

M: Although I’m not uncomfortable saying that I have been depressed, I am not open to discussing it in detail (with the exemption of close friends).

G: No

How did this conversation impact you?

M: This conversation has me wanting to attend an all-male fire chat. The event was amazing, but there was so much more to be said regarding this topic, and it would be nice to hear more perspectives from men.

G: It impacted me in a positive way, because I could see men being real to themselves and to people around them. As men, we always have this ideal-self mentality — a man does not cry, should be strong — hence our feelings are always concealed. We are not true to ourselves, we always say we are okay, even when things are not okay. We are sinning against ourselves. So through the discussion, I learned that it’s okay to be real and speak out without fear of being judged or called names.

Why do you think it’s important for men to engage in these conversations?

M: It’s important for men to discuss these issues because it’s not something that men have been doing in the past. There are a lot of guys out there who are holding on by a thread, because they don’t know how to cope. Sometimes a man may just need a friend to vent to, while others will need the help of a professional.

G: It’s important for men to engage in these talks because they are not only good for women, but for the society at large. It was quite interesting for me to see the [Beijing Wave] ladies have a collection of videos of men that are abused in their relationships, and trying to find out more about men, it’s really a huge score on feminism’s part. They are not just opposing men, or they just want to be viewed differently, but they are trying to build a society that is equal, that has common values of love, respect, and kindness, not based on any gender. If we all view feminism without any biases, our society will be rooted together and we will have needed smiles.

Anything else you’d like to share?

M: One aspect that wasn’t discussed was how medication to treat a lot of these mental health issues really does change a person. I had to come to terms with the fact that some men in my life that are on meds to treat their illness are not the same person that I once knew.

G: People should not be defined by what is between their legs. People should be defined by what is within their heart and minds. After all, our genders are only valid in bathrooms and bedrooms most of the time. Besides that, we define differently. After all, we are all the same, we should embrace and complement each other. No need to hate or discriminate, as we all start the same for the first 20 weeks of pregnancy, we are all genderless. We should also remember that everything we know right now we were taught. Let’s teach kids wisely, because some of the things we are suffering now are things we were taught when we were young. Some people develop what I call, “concrete mindset.” They can’t change anything, it’s like whatever they were taught is final, they don’t need anything new or to adjust, which becomes a problem in life. We need to have a mindset which is flexible, not quick to judge, but rather more understanding and considerate. For wisdom is the ability to understand difference in people, difference in time, and difference in opinions.

Photos: Pixabay, Beijing Wave

OK, so there are probably times when we men should talk a bit less and listen a bit more. (That’s what my wife says, anyway.) But there is one area where men don’t talk nearly enough, and that’s about our emotions. And the consequences are serious. Young men, so often raised to believe that “boys don’t cry,” and asking for help is a sign of weakness, are vastly more likely than women to commit suicide or self-harm.

One group in Beijing is determined to break this pattern, and is running an event to encourage men to start talking about how they really feel. According to organizers Beijing Wave, “Feminism is for Everyone: Get Men Talking will take the form of an open discussion guided by short films and topical questions that will have participants breaking down the overlooked epidemic that is men’s mental health and suicide.”

We asked founder Jodie Warren to tell us more about the group.

“We’re (currently) a group of women striving to form a strong and visibly present community in Beijing that connects through gender equality and women’s empowerment,” she told us. “We host events at which this community can discuss, share and educate one another on topics that are relevant worldwide.”

But many men, we suggested, see feminism as a threat, not a solution to their problems.

“True feminism advocates for equal treatment and opportunity for everyone regardless of gender,” Warren said. “Therefore feminism should never be taken as a threat to men because we are on their side.”

In fact, they decided to launch their series of events with a discussion of men’s issues.

“We wanted to start a series titled Feminism Is For Everyone to diminish the idea that feminism is a cis-woman only movement. We felt the best place to start was with men. I’m from the UK and recently the statistics regarding suicide amongst our young men has been brought to light to which people have been avidly campaigning to raise awareness of men’s mental health. November is also a huge month where men across the globe take part in Movember which raises money for men’s mental health charities!”

All are welcome at the event, Warren said, but they are keen for men to attend and speak about their lives. She added that it’s particularly vital for parents to be supported in changing the messages we send to children about gender and mental health.

“Although we encourage all genders to attend Beijing Wave events we, of course, encourage men to attend first and foremost. We believe it’s important to provide men with a space where they are able to discuss mental health without judgement or stigma attached to the things they share. We want this event to chip away at the burden men may face when talking about their mental health and suicide. I believe parents raising young boys (or girls) would benefit greatly from attending this event because we’ll be unpacking the gender stereotypes taught from childhood and how this is likely to impact young boys negatively as they get older.”

If you want to be part of this important conversation, you can book via the QR code in the poster below.

Feminism is for Everyone: Get Men Talking, Nov 5

Adults. RMB 30. 6.30pm. Beijing Wave. Caravan, 44 Guanghua Lu, Chaoyang District. (8563-0801) 光华路44号.

Photo: Wokandapix from Pixabay