We have all seen those bullies on TV – the ones who physically attack innocent new kids in the school. Well, in the playgrounds of parks and compounds, some kids are lethal in terms of their verbal and physical abuse of other children. On TV, you often see parents disciplining their own child but not other people’s children. In China, however, most parents do try to educate and correct other people’s children if they have wronged their own child. But should they be doing that?

Speaking from experience, I know what it is like to be cyberbullied. I remember clearly that once during PE class, we were playing tag, and when I chased a girl down the field, I accidentally tripped her, and she scraped her knee. She got really mad, and even after I apologized to her, she swore and then walked away to the teacher, saying that she needed to go to the nurse. I thought that was it and the issue was over. However, little did I know, she publicly started insulting me in Chinese on her WeChat Moments, saying that she wanted to cut off my legs and other physical threats. Luckily, I had a friend who had her WeChat and took a screenshot of the Moments post and asked me what had happened between us. After I told her what had happened, she was the only friend who empathized with me throughout the process and cared about what had happened.

That evening, my mom asked in a parent group chat which member was the parent of the girl who bullied me, and after we added her, my mom sent her mom the screenshot of the girl’s Moments. Later, we were in a call together and the girl apologized to me (or at least I think she did). It doesn’t matter to me if she actually felt sorry, but it surprised me how ugly things can be and how lethal teenagers my age can be.

In terms of physical abuse, I unfortunately also have an experience. It was back in first grade, and it was during recess. The elementary school principal was playing soccer with me and the other first graders, and the team that I was on won. I celebrated my victory, but then got hit in the legs or somewhere by a boy in my class. I did not know what to do because I was the new student in the grade, and I did not yet have any friends around me who would speak up for me. The principal saw me getting physically abused by that boy, and fortunately, the boy later apologized to me.

But the boy was infamous for physically abusing others. He had already gotten himself into trouble multiple times before for hitting other people at school, but the main reason for the occurrence of his actions was because of domestic violence in his family, which resulted in him using similar methods of violence on his peers. Even though all the parents of the children in my grade knew that his family was going through a rough time in terms of the relationship between his father and mother, the parents whose children got abused by him did not hesitate when it came to bringing up the issue to his parents and trying to educate that boy.

Before writing this article, I did not know that in some countries other than China, parenting other people’s children may not be as common, because from my experience, my parents never hesitated to put another kid in their place. I had a friend back in kindergarten who asked me which university I wanted to go to in the future, and I said that I wanted to go to Harvard (like every other child when they were in kindergarten). She immediately responded, “Only smart kids can go to Harvard.” I was silent because I didn’t know what to say, but my mom replied, “So, do you think you are smarter than Margaret?” which made her go silent.

So, what do you think? If your child is getting bullied at school, would you step in or let them deal with it on their own? If you’ve been bullied and want to share your experience and how you handled it, get in touch with our editor Mina Yan, at Wilhelmina87 on WeChat to share your story. You can remain anonymous if you want. It’s important for you to know that you can speak up and for others going through something similar to know they’re not alone.

Images: Pexels,  Freepik

Parenthood is filled with joy, discovery, and plenty of challenges and situations that you may or may not be prepared for. I’m not talking about the sleepless nights and diaper explosions. Those are nothing compared to the maternal rage that you didn’t know you had in you when you see your kid get bullied.

If it hasn’t happened yet, don’t worry, it will. You’ll be out playing with your kid one day, and out of nowhere, someone else’s child runs over and takes your child’s toy or, even more annoying, says mean things about your child right in front of them. Things like “He’s a foreigner; don’t play with him,” “Give me your toy. You’re so stingy,” or the actually dangerous “Why don’t you *insert dangerous act*; are you scared?”

I’d like to think that I’m an emotionally mature adult who would never stoop low enough to break out in a full-on argument with a kid in public, but catch me on a bad day, and all bets are off. When stuff like this happens, I walk away and give myself a pat on the back for not undoing years of mental and emotional growth and showing a kid what real ’90s-style bullying sounds like.

But whether it’s a snatched toy, harsh words, or outright exclusion, watching your little one face unkindness can stir up a whirlwind of emotions. Mix in some language barriers and cultural differences, and we find ourselves in unfamiliar terrain.

As parents, we want to protect our children while also teaching them resilience and empathy. Navigating these early social hurdles requires patience, insight, and a thoughtful approach to help your child (and yourself!) handle these difficult moments with confidence and grace.

To be fair, it hasn’t happened too many times, but when you’ve got a little girl whom you love more than anything in the world, even once is too many. The final wake-up moment for me was when a little boy, just a few years older than my daughter, tried to herd her out of the second story of a playhouse. He didn’t push her; he blocked the exit with his body and egged her on with mean taunts. She was scared, and I finally decided that I needed to see how other moms handle similar situations.

The playhouse incident was a no-brainer. You step in and put an end to it ASAP before somebody gets injured. But what about the times that don’t escalate to possible physical harm? I’ve finally reached out to fellow expat parents in Beijing as well as teachers to get their take. It’s going to happen sooner or later, so better decide now how you’re going to handle it.

One expat mom shared her experience. She’s the mom of a 2-year-old little boy who’s the epitome of a foreign kid: blond hair, blue eyes, and the cutest little chubby cheeks you’ve ever seen. “One time, a kid [around 4 or 5]was under this play area equipment. My son went under, and she ran out screaming and crying. I initially thought my son had hit her (he has a habit), but as I got closer, I heard her tell her grandma, “我不要白头发的孩子，我不想跟他玩” [“I don’t want blonde kids; I don’t want to play with him”]. And she kept screaming and crying. I left it that time, despite my rage, and we moved on to a different play area in the same park. This girl came, saw my son, and began the screaming thing. And this time I said something.”

This mom said that if the aggressor’s guardian steps in, then she lets it go. But if they feed into it, she calls attention to it loudly enough for others to hear. Her point? If you need to, resort to public shaming.

Chinese lesson for the day: 没家教吗? (méi jiājiào ma) or 没家教吧 (méi jiājiào ba)? No manners?

She then admits something that I resonate with: She’s embarrassed she was rude back to the kid. We’re raised to be polite to others, and when you become a mom, you’re a role model to kids. But man, that’s a high pedestal to stand on. We’re human, with a range of emotions of our own, and we’re moms with maternal instincts to protect our young. If that means snapping back at an unruly brat so they’d back off your kid, then by all means, Queen, snap away!

Jingkids writer and soon-to-be mom of two Janita Shahsavari has, unfortunately, also experienced something similar with her daughter, Leili. “With the encounters we had, our go to action plan (which came about accidentally and without prior planning ) has been to first firmly and politely tell the kid to stop whatever behavior was mean, and if that does not work, we track down the parents and insist they step in, as there would be much bigger consequences if our child suffers any injury or discomfort at the hands of their kid. So far, it has worked, though we have only had two or three incidents.

“Once there was a kid (about 6 years old) in a sandpit, deliberately throwing sand at Leili. My husband told him to stop, but he ignored him, so we called over his mom to step in. Via translator and our limited Chinese, we told her that if the sand goes in her eyes, especially since it isn’t clean sand, it could very well cause infection, above and beyond the rudeness of her kid bullying a little baby. After he still didn’t listen to his mom, she forcibly took him out and said he could only play if he behaved, which, when he came back, he did.

“Another time was at our community playground, where a much bigger boy (probably 8 or so) was being rough on the toddler jungle gym and deliberately coming to scare Leili with his jumping and shoving. At first, I told him not to come near my daughter and that the jungle gym wasn’t for big kids. He’d back off but then return a minute later doing the same thing. His mom saw I was getting cross, so she also stepped in and made him go away.”

It’s important to remember that (legally speaking) you need to keep your hands to yourself. Don’t give anyone an excuse to escalate the situation. Got advice on how you handled something similar? We’d love to hear it! Leave a comment below or send a message to Mina at Wilhelmina87 on WeChat if you’d like to remain anonymous.

Images: Freepik

Last week many parents tuned into our livestream as I shared the story of how we realized our daughter was getting bullied at school, how we handled it, and what steps the school has proposed in dealing with the situation. Following the livestream, a number of parents, both ones I knew and ones that added me on WeChat specifically to talk about it, shared their stories of how their child is also being bullied at school. It’s a topic that, unfortunately, hits a great number of parents pretty close to home.

We asked our readers the big question: What stops parents from speaking out when their child is being bullied? 

9% – Scare of what the school will do to them if they do
6% – Worried that no one will believe them
3% – Embarrassed of what others will think
12% – They don’t know where to speak out
24% – Their own kids won’t let them tell others about it
47% – Nothing was stopping them. They spoke out, but nothing was done about it

We don’t want last week’s livestream to be in vain. We want to take action.

Bullying is something that affected many of us when we were growing up and will continue to affect our children in their lives. It’s not something we can sweep under the rug. We deal with this issue head-on – by educating our children and ourselves and arming everyone with the resources and knowledge to deal with bullies.

We’ll be doing some research into how to better educate children, parents, and educators on the topic of bullying, and putting together a series of free resources available for anyone to download from our website.

If you’re an expert in the field or have access to credible resources and would like to share them with us, please get in touch with me via email at minayan@beijing-kids.com or WeChat at Wilhelmina87.

Images: Pexels

Let me start off by saying that bullying isn’t something any parent looks forward to dealing with. There was a part of me that was naively hopeful that if I was careful about who my kid befriends and picky with which school she goes to that maybe, just maybe, she’d never have to experience bullying in her adolescent life. Schools tend to say “there’s no bullying on this campus”, but how much of that is actually true and how much is them just turning a blind eye to it?

I thought that I had a few more years to prepare myself and my daughter to face bullies. Thinking back to my own childhood, kids can get mean during those elementary school years and bullying get worse during the middle school years. But never ever did I think that I would need to deal with bullying in a pre-school.

Join myself and Toni Ma, co-founder of True Run Media and momma/parenting guru behind Toni Talks, next Thursday at 10am as we discuss bullying on campus – from tots to teens. I’ll be sharing all about my daughter’s current bullying situation, how we discovered it, how the school tried to downplay it, and what they’re currently doing to resolve the issue. You can tell me if you agree with them or perhaps, have a better solution. We’ll also be discussing what you, as a parent, is legally allowed to request of the schools and what their obligations are.

This coming Thursday at 10am I’m going to pour myself a big cup of coffee and spill all the tea on this international school bullying coverup.

Images: Toni Ma, Pexels

Last month, we shared Lilian’s story of her experiences with bullying when she transferred to an international kindergarten in China. Lilian, born in Fujian China, is now studying at Madeira High School in Virginia, US. Today, we want to share her story on bullying in high school when she first moved from China to the US. Lilian’s now actively involved in mental health advocacy work and is part of our Teen’s Mental Health Program. We hope that her story could bring teachers, parents, and school’s attention to improving the environment for teens, and support new students better in navigating through changes.

Xiaojie
Editor-in-Chief

When the plane touched the ground at Dulles International Airport in the US, my mind was occupied by the wild visions I had of living abroad during high school. No more practice exams, and no more teachers forcing me to study things I don’t like. I was excited to focus on activities that I liked, like joining many clubs and making lots of friends.

The reality was different from my dream. Coming from a middle school in the normal Chinese education system, I didn’t have much in common with my peers who were local or came from international schools. I found it difficult to fit into the cliques at school. I didn’t get acquainted with my peers until one day I asked some of them to have some late-night snacks in my room.

That night proved to be disastrous for me. When everyone was ready to return to their dorms to sleep, two people in my grade had a conflict with some upperclassmen in the hallway. The residential assistants asked me what had happened, and I told them about it, hoping they could solve the conflict. Rather than resolve the conflict, the residential assistants became involved in the fight and I became the target. I didn’t realize the severity of the event until I received the first notification from my phone. Then, the second, the third…Bombarding notifications showing that everyone left the group chat – except for me. The notifications came in like a flood. As I stared at the screen, my mind went blank. Just as suddenly, I realized I was being left out on purpose.

The next thing that came to me was rumors. It should have been easy to prove my innocence, but it wasn’t. By the time I heard about the whispers, they’d already grown into a “fact” many people believed. I had tried to speak up once during lunch. I wanted to talk to one girl first. But before I had a chance, I saw the person who spread the rumors coming toward me, staring at me. I immediately gave up. There was an invisible hand covering my mouth tightly. No voice could break through that firm cover, and nobody listened. I suppressed my feelings to avoid crying in front of the crowd. When I tried to talk to my classmates, they wouldn’t reply. Everyone was talking to each other and laughing. I was like an invisible person at the lunch table. I sat there awkwardly with two empty seats beside me. To avoid being in an embarrassing situation again, I kept my mouth shut unless someone else talked to me.

I began to have the feeling of loneliness and believed that everyone avoided me on purpose. After a month, the situation escalated further. I ended up being questioned and threatened by a small group of people in the school cafeteria. I said sorry again and again for things I didn’t even think I did. They just left and didn’t accept my apology. At that moment I felt exhausted and empty. I wanted to find a place to escape so badly.

I thought of going back home for a while. I even told my parents about what happened, and they agreed. Yet, I hesitated. I chose to study abroad and I didn’t want to give up so quickly. I knew my parents wanted to help, and we were messaging every day. I was afraid to call them [in case]my classmates would eavesdrop on me. My parents gave me lots of advice. They told me to be strong and to talk with the people who treated me badly. But none of these really [worked]since I had already tried all of them. Fixing the relationship was impossible, and I felt resigned.

Changes in my physical and mental stage happened, even though they weren’t immediately apparent. After the night I got kicked out of the group, I felt it was more difficult to fall asleep. I was so traumatized that when I lay on my bed and gazed at the ceiling, I had flashbacks of my past childhood experiences of being bullied. I thought the insomnia would end quickly, but it did not. I used to lay on my bed for hours and couldn’t fall asleep. When I managed to fall asleep, I would wake up several times a night. The sleep deprivation left me exhausted. I was tired and often fell asleep during the daytime. The emptiness I felt made my heartache. The stronger the sense of loneliness I felt, the more reluctant I was to talk to other people. Even though I wanted to make new friends, I was worried about others’ thoughts about me and I did not trust my abilities to make new friends. My anxiety related to interpersonal communication worsened at that time. I began to think that I was not as good as my peers.

For a long time, I didn’t know what to do. The hopelessness was eating me alive snip by snip.

Sticking to a daily schedule was the key for me to not becoming overly immersed in my negative feelings. I tried to fill every time slot so that I wouldn’t have too much time to let my mind wander. Instead of locking myself in the restroom during breaks, I signed up for several clubs and forced myself to show up. I also found that after running, I felt a little bit more relaxed. I exhausted myself on purpose by running every day in the afternoon. Most of the time, running helped me fall asleep much easier. In the evening, I filled my time by doing extra work outside of school and even planned to transfer to another school. As I became busier, I finally became friends with some of the day students. When I returned to the dorm at night, the loneliness came back to me. I was still uncomfortable with the situation I was in; however, things were improving a lot.

I was lucky that I realized that there were still some people who trusted me, but I wished I had more support. I remember some people noticed my social isolation. Several of them had come to me and told me that they trusted me. Some of them were even close friends with the people who hurt me. Since every one of them came to me alone, I never knew how many people they meant when they said “we.” I wanted to be friends with them, but I didn’t dare to step forward, and neither did they. I thought my life might be better if one of them would be a mediator of this conflict, or would spend some time with me. Still, I was so deeply thankful for their kind acts. They made me believe I wasn’t alone and there were people willing to help me.

It took me about one year and a half to be fully recovered from this traumatic experience. After I came back home, I felt better and better. I could fall asleep, I was no longer anxious. It was like my true self came back to me little by little. Instead of pretending to be happy, I eventually felt happiness like I used to do. However, every time I’m in a situation that reminds me of what happened in the past, my emotions suddenly break down and I can’t control my tears from pouring down. This led me to finally going to a counselor. Now, I can look back at my experience and appreciate it. I view this experience as an opportunity for personal growth instead of a sad story. When facing difficulties, I now think positively. I believe in my ability to overcome difficult times, but I am also prepared for failure because I know setbacks always result in comebacks. Self-care became part of my life. I pay attention to the beautiful things around me, whether it’s a warm breeze or fluffy cat. I found the pace for my life that I make little progress every day. The biggest gain for me is to be confident. I trust myself as a person and nobody other than me can define who I am.

The experience of bullying can have a long-lasting effect on a person’s mental health. Whether verbal bullying, rumor-mongering, or social isolation, it usually leaves the recipient with complex negative emotions, ranging from intense self-doubt to feelings of loneliness and frustration. Moreover, bullying often occurs in adolescence, when our sense of self-identity is not yet fully developed. This can often have a long-term impact on our self-esteem and social experiences later on. When faced with bullying, it’s important to try to maintain a sense of order in daily life, seek help from family members, or seek counseling, as Lilian does.

For parents, teaching children how to deal with bullying is the first step in protecting them. For example, role-playing school bullying scenarios at home to teach children how to express themselves assertively, going over ways to report to school staff for support if necessary, giving children more support, praise and recognition to protect their self-esteem, and helping kids build other relationships outside of school are all great ways to start.

While bullying can be a traumatic experience, many, like Lilian, transform the traumatic experience into an impetus for post-traumatic growth. If you have ever encountered bullying, learning how to deal with it may be an important life lesson.

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Bullying. It’s one of those things parents really don’t want to hear about from their children. Many of us recall painful childhood memories of times when others were ridiculed or outcast and for many, those memories stick around. So when our child says things that lead us to believe there is bullying, it can be heartbreaking. We want to protect our child and ensure that they grow to be emotionally intact adults but we often don’t know how to handle the situation or even how to evaluate the seriousness of the situation. Sometimes what we deem as bullying is normal social development in children. Sometimes it isn’t.

Author Juliet Lythicot-Haims explains in her book How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success that bullying rates have not gone up in recent years, but parent sensitivity has. In light of this, perhaps especially in China – where many parents and grandparents are very protective – it is important to try to separate normal childhood struggles from true bullying. Experts suggest that allowing children to solve problems without interference is an important part of growing up and that intervening may do more harm than good.

However, there are situations where true bullying behavior takes place, and in that case there are some key concepts we can become familiar with to help our children. First, research has shown that the kindness approach is far more effective to stopping behavior than a punitive one. Schools who do not have a kindness program should be encouraged to install one and we as parents can talk with our children at home about strategies in kindness as a response to hurtful behavior.

Everyone hurts when bullying occurs, including the instigator(s). Therefore, to effectively address the issues, all parties need support. Children who bully have unmet needs that can be replaced with more positive support. Children who are victims deserve strategies to help them cope with and find positive ways to process emotions and reactions. Finally, bystanders – those who witness the interactions play a vital role in stopping these negative behaviors. For this reason, some anti – bullying programs focus heavily on helping bystanders evaluate the situation and be brave enough to say or do something to diffuse the situation. We can all support our children at home to be effective bystanders.

Finally, we need to understand that many bullying situations occur because of differences. As the saying goes, we are often afraid of what we do not understand. A child who dresses differently, has unusual tastes, is of a different race, or who looks different may be bullied. Helping children to accept and celebrate differences can make a huge impact on how social interactions play out in the school halls and playgrounds. And let’s focus more on supporting all of the parties involved and restoring harmony by righting misdeeds rather than looking for apologies. When we support our children in acting responsibly with their peers we are supporting their future emotional lives as responsible adults.

Photo: Pixabay

A new set of guidelines issued by Chinese authorities has highlighted the tragic and sometimes disturbing lengths parents will go to when seeking justice for their children.

The phenomenon is called 校闹 xiàonào (“school disruption”), and as Sixth Tone reports, is now sufficiently widespread that regulations have been introduced specifically banning certain practices. Parents who blame their child’s death on their school have protested by blocking gates, hanging banners and photographs, setting off fireworks and playing music, and, in some extreme cases, bringing their child’s body to the school.

The deaths are a mix of accidents during sporting or extracurricular activities, and suicides blamed on bullying or academic pressure. It is impossible for those of us who are parents to imagine the grief of losing a child, or what we might do in response to such a situation. However, it is hard to justify the disruption of other children’s education, or the distress that might be caused by such actions. The focus on financial compensation in many cases also leaves an unwelcome impression.

It is also not always students who are the victims. A teacher in Anhui province was confronted by the parents of a child whom he had told off. Following mediation, the teacher had to pay RMB 930 in compensation. His body was later found in the Yangzi river, and now his parents are planning to sue the students’ parents, claiming that the latter assaulted him and drove him to suicide. (No criminal action has been taken against the students’ parents.)

In finding the balance between protecting children from harm and protecting schools and teachers from harassment, it is hard not to conclude that the authorities have erred on the side of preserving “harmony”, and suppressing protest rather than tackling the underlying problems. But the issues are complex. Beijingkids has written before about the government’s attempts to relieve pressure on children by reducing homework and reforming the gaokao, and the push back they have encountered from the educational establishment and parents themselves. Bullying, on the other hand, remains a taboo issue, with a 2016 campaign seeming to have had little effect. Nearly half of children in Chinese schools report having been affected by bullying, while for 6 percent it is an everyday occurrence.

The problem is less acute for children attending international schools, which generally have smaller class sizes and more developed support systems. However we as parents can never be complacent. As always, the most important thing is to keep open regular, honest, and supportive communication with our children, so that they feel they can come to us when problems develop.

Photo: pablo/T via Flickr

Brooke and Aeijaha are best friends at a Chinese private school in Beijing.

Brooke is 8 years old, in the second grade, and has lived in China since she was in kindergarten. When she smiles her whole face lights up, with that light and joy moving from the corner of her mouth and spreading to her eyes and the rest of her face.

Aeijha (pronounced similar to Asia) is 9 years old, in third grade, and drips confidence behind her cool glasses and hair, which looks amazing no matter how she styles it. Aeijha just moved to Beijing last year, after being born and raised in Thailand.

Both are the children of expatriate teachers and both have faced bullying for their appearance here in China, a problem encountered by many expat children in a seemingly homogeneous society. Their appearance is unfamiliar to the average Chinese family, and often local children, teachers, and parents struggle to relate to those from a diverse background.

Brooke’s mother, Mel Williams, first thought her daughter was having difficulty due to being new in China. “I happened to look out the window of my classroom and saw that she was on the playground and no one else would play with her. She wasn’t crying, she was sliding and playing by herself, but no one would play with her.”

That day when Williams picked her up from school, Brooke confirmed that no one would play with her. “I told her that it was OK and that we were new to China.” But as the year progressed, Brooke still wasn’t making any friends. “It took a while, but once she learned a little bit of Chinese, then she started to make a few more friends.”

“She went through that in both kindergarten and first grade. I had to speak to the teacher when kids started to bully her. They would walk by her desk and snatch things, then rip them up. Their solution was to separate these children from her.”

That didn’t really solve the problem, as Brooke would continue to come home and tell Williams she was being bullied. Then Brooke began to fight back.

“Other teachers would come to me and say that she kicked somebody or that she pushed somebody down the stairs,” Williams explained.

Williams feels it doesn’t matter if the school is international or not, and in some ways, she found that it was worse in the international school, where children seemed to be “cliquish.” She suspects the root issue here is that when children grow up inside the same circles, they aren’t comfortable with making friends outside of their normal social circle.

Williams’ main tactic as a parent has been to help Brooke use her voice and to treat others with kindness. “I’ve told her that she has to use her voice, because she has one. She needs to tell people the things that she doesn’t like, and if it doesn’t stop, she can find something else to do. And if someone is bullying her, she can tell someone and ask for help. I would tell Brooke to always be polite and to introduce herself to people.”

Brooke had a better year in first grade when there were other expatriate children in the classroom. Issues remain with a handful of students who are not accustomed to non-Chinese peers, and these students will at times seek to be negative toward her.

Aeijha told me her parents have a similar response. They told her “treat people as you want to be treated,” and to rise above the bullying.

Besides simply looking different to peers, another issue of bullying is hiding behind language, when a peer is unaware that the girls can understand them. Williams told us: “I just reported to the teacher for the second time that a boy had been picking on her in class, not realizing her Chinese is actually really good. He tried to deny that he was picking on her, but another child confirmed it.”

During Aeijha’s interview, she confirmed that hiding behind language is an issue, and that in her own bullying experience when a group of older boys had made fun of her, calling her “fat,” they didn’t know she could understand them until the boys were confronted by the Student Affairs office. The principal required these students to apologize, but Aeijha felt the apology was inauthentic and “it really didn’t help.” When asked why, she explained they clearly were being forced. The only incident of bullying she experienced in Thailand at the International School of Bangkok was followed by a sincere apology from the student.

For Brooke, talking about bullying was much harder, and she wanted to present to me a picture of a strong girl who ignored bullying and dealt with problems herself. As we went through questions, Brooke would give Williams a look of, “I’ve got this. No, I’m not sharing that story.” Brooke began to tear up when she shared what her teacher said after a bullying incident, “My teacher said, I am perfect the way I am. It makes me confident that I can deal with these problems.”

Williams’ suggestions for schools and teachers is to offer sensitivity training so students have expectations laid out for them of how to treat others from diverse backgrounds. Teachers need to be on the lookout for signs of bullying. “For parents, they need to build their child’s self-esteem if you’re choosing to live abroad in an unfamiliar place, especially if local children are not open to expats.” She encourages parents to talk to their children about people who are different and how to have friends who are different. She has noticed that any child who is “different” can cause other children to make fun, as she has witnessed this with overweight Chinese children and an Autistic Chinese child.

Preston Thomas, currently employed at RDFZ Chaoyang Branch School as a Senior English Teacher, has lived in China for eight years and witnessed bullying due to differences while at his last international school, where the makeup of students was more heterogeneous.

“One incident was because the student was… half Chinese and half Australian; he was ridiculed because he was not fully Chinese and his Mandarin was not good enough. He was also insulted because his parents were divorced. Other incidents I saw were Chinese students insulting each other for darker skin tones.”

Thomas confronted this issue and others like it by talking to the students being bullied for both comfort and encouragement, but by also using the opportunity to explicitly teach about diversity.

“When students were judging other students based on skin color, I actually made it a point to make a lesson devoted to diversity. I told them that if they practice this behavior abroad, people won’t take it lightly. I reminded them, they are all citizens of the world. They will meet many different people from many walks of life and by judging solely by skin color is racist. Also, it is highly offensive and someday they might be the victims if they continue this behavior.”

Parents were not contacted in any of the cases, and the school overall did not offer support to teachers, students, or parents in dealing with either bullying nor diversity. Instead, teachers would talk among one another to make sure if a particular student was being targeted, they could all be on alert and address any incidents that might arise.

Thomas suggested for teachers, “One great resource, although dated, is A Class Divided. It is a great resource to promote diversity and understanding especially in younger kids, as it touches on race and passing judgment based on skin color.”

For parents, Thomas stressed the importance of being in the lives of children, asking questions and making sure the child feels comfortable talking. It is also important to know who friends are and to sometimes ask difficult questions, especially if a parent might suspect their child is bullying someone else. “Finally, don’t pass judgment. Give them the reasons why it is wrong to target someone, don’t just yell at them.”

While interviewing both girls, I couldn’t help reflect how my own children have fared in a Chinese private school. My son has been accepted easily, has had many friends, and has been even called “zhongguoren” by his peers. My daughter, being blonde haired and blue eyed, has not fared as well, including some teachers assuming, despite her bilingualism, that they can’t explain to her well if they don’t use English. But I learned to make extra effort so she would thrive socially.

My biggest tip for younger ages is to send a bag of candy or rubber erasers to class with your child, so even for that day they’re the classroom favorite. I also make sure to stay on the “good side” of teachers, as they are my child’s biggest advocates in the classroom.

One of my favorite stories is when her homeroom teacher stood up and explained that, “Yes she is different, she has different color hair and eyes, but we are all a family here in this classroom. We help each other.”

Lastly, though it wasn’t always easy to overcome culture, language,and my own introverted personality, I made sure to hang out with the parents of her classmates so she would have additional opportunities for one-on-one time with her peers. Children who had bullied her would stop when they saw how much their parents liked my daughter. It paid off, with many of her kindergarten friends remaining her friends even when they transferred to grade school and different classrooms.

This article appeared in the beijingkids May 2019 Identity issue.
Photos: Williams family

Bullying is a complex issue that’s every parents’ and kid’s worst nightmare come vividly true. A few years ago, we wrote an article about the different types of bullying based along gender lines as bullying expert Robert Pereira was in Beijing giving seminars at the time. Pereira is an education expert who has spent the last 21 years as a professional consultant training students, teachers, and parents around the world to deal with bullying.

Technology has compounded the issue with the introduction of cyberbully, that’s harder to stop and sometime even trace back because of fake accounts. As the new school seasons swings into high gear and kids are adjusting to their new class, classmates, or school, here are four common types of bullying to keep an eye out for:

Verbal Bullying
What It Is: Verbal bullying, or bullying with cruel spoken words, involves ongoing name-calling, threatening, and making disrespectful comments about someone’s attributes (appearance, religion, ethnicity, disability, sexual orientation, etc.).

Physical Bullying
What It Is: Physical bullying, or bullying with aggressive physical intimidation, involves repeated hitting, kicking, tripping, blocking, pushing, and touching in unwanted and inappropriate ways.

Relational Bullying
What It Is: Relational bullying, or bullying with exclusionary tactics, involves deliberately preventing someone from joining or being part of a group, whether it’s at a lunch table, game, sport, or social activity.

Cyberbullying
What It Is: Cyberbullying, or bullying in cyberspace, involves haranguing someone by spreading mean words, lies, and false rumors through e-mails, text messages, and social media posts. Sexist, racist, and homophobic messages create a hostile atmosphere, even when not directly targeting your child.

These were sourced from the parenting.com article that illustrates examples, signs to look out for, and what measures to take into consideration to help the child.

Photo: Thomas Ricker (Flickr)