Right now, global conversations are swirling around equal rights for women, people of color, the LGBTQ+ community, and the intersectionality therein. However, while the time to undo systemic and institutional biases is long overdue, we cannot adequately address the obstacles, discrimination, and prejudices people face unless we simultaneously discuss how these systemic and institutional biases were constructed in the first place. Namely, why dominance was arbitrarily and capriciously conferred upon men, and how that dominance not only affects the oppressed, but also the oppressor.

Put another way: None of us will be liberated until all of us are liberated.

As it happens, packed into this arbitrary dominance is a litany of unwritten rules and modes of being which, until very recently, haven’t been openly discussed all that much. Nevertheless, when you ask someone, anyone really, what it means to be a man, you will get a set of fairly uniform answers. Men are supposed to be strong, stoic emotional voids who are logical, competitive, ambitious risk-takers.

But what happens if you’re a man who doesn’t fit into one or more of these molds? What if the pressure to live these characteristics means betraying some part of yourself that you value? What if you don’t know how to make sense of a world that is often crushing and punishing, yet you also don’t know how to ask for help? 

The manifestation of these problems is staggering, and again, rarely addressed in public discourse. Case in point: men account for 10 – 15 percent of patients with anorexia or bulimia, while 40 percent have a binge eating disorder. Moreover, a study from 2017 suggested that up to 10 percent of men report postnatal depression. Perhaps most distressing is the fact that, in the United States, men make up over 75 percent of suicide victims, with an average of one man taking his own life every 20 minutes.

Luckily, brave men and women are finally beginning to open up spaces and start conversations about these issues, their underlying causes, and hidden, tragic consequences.

Such was an event this past Tuesday (Nov 5) called Get Men Talking, the first in a three-part series under the banner, Feminism Is For Everyone. Hosted at Caravan by the inimitable women of Beijing Wave, the night brought together a crowd of 35-40 individuals across a wide spectrum of identities. It was a truly representational pool of voices from around the globe, all coming together in a chorus for social justice and gender equality.

Throughout the evening attendees watched videos that touched on a number of issues plaguing the modern man, including a rundown of heart-wrenching statistics, perspectives on male stereotypes and body issues, the shame associated with being a male victim of domestic violence, and the pressures put upon men who assume the role of overworked breadwinner. The discussions that followed were poignant, powerful, heartfelt, and very, very real. And although the topics demanded a level of vulnerability that most people, especially men, aren’t comfortable demonstrating, nearly every person in the room had something to share.

When asked to reflect on the event, Beijing Wave’s founder, Jodie Warren, had this to say:

“Myself and the women of 北京Wave were moved by the success and support showed on the night. We were so grateful that the men in the room felt comfortable enough to share their honest experiences and thoughts surrounding men’s mental health. The continuous flow of passionate conversation proved how important it is for topics like this to be discussed amongst ourselves and our communities in order to spark change in the way society treats it. We really believe that the event ended with our attendees feeling positively aware of this pressing issue and we’re so thankful.”

Co-organizer, Spencer Kondak, echoed a similar sentiment:

“We [Beijing Wave] were completely thrilled with Tuesday’s turnout. Being in that room with so many diverse voices who were all there to talk about a topic we care so much about was truly inspiring. Personally, I was struck by how many people came up to me after the event and expressed their gratitude that we had planned this event about men’s mental health in particular. However, we’re more grateful to every single person in that room for coming, for sharing, for listening, and for caring about this issue. We hope in the wake of this event that we can continue an open dialogue about men’s mental health and how to enact change and fight stigma.”

beijingkids had the chance to catch up with two guys who attended Get Men Talking, and we asked them a few questions inspired by the event’s conversation. For the sake of privacy, we will be using the first initial of their first names.

beijingkids had the chance to catch up with two guys who attended Get Men Talking, and we asked them a few questions inspired by the event’s conversation. For the sake of privacy, we will be using the first initial of their surnames.

G. is a 34 year old chef who hails from Zimbabwe, while M. is 31 years old and moved to Beijing from California.

Why did you decide to attend this evening’s event?

M: I attended today’s event because this is a topic that “hits home” for me. Also, I have gone to a previous Wave event that was very informative and engaging. Listening to different perspectives in a safe and small environment is always nice.

G: I am a feminist.

Have you struggled with depression or anxiety in the past?

M & G: Yes.

Do you have male friends who have struggled with these issues?

M: I have a friend who has dealt with bouts of depression. He nonchalantly mentioned it to me one day. It kind of took me by surprise, and I didn’t know how to react initially. Although I was mostly quiet as he discussed the depression he was going through, I felt that he wasn’t really looking for me to give him a bunch of advice. The fact that he took the first step in being open with me and talking about it meant he was already on the path to recovery.

G: Yes.

Are these topics you openly discuss with friends?

M: Although I’m not uncomfortable saying that I have been depressed, I am not open to discussing it in detail (with the exemption of close friends).

G: No

How did this conversation impact you?

M: This conversation has me wanting to attend an all-male fire chat. The event was amazing, but there was so much more to be said regarding this topic, and it would be nice to hear more perspectives from men.

G: It impacted me in a positive way, because I could see men being real to themselves and to people around them. As men, we always have this ideal-self mentality — a man does not cry, should be strong — hence our feelings are always concealed. We are not true to ourselves, we always say we are okay, even when things are not okay. We are sinning against ourselves. So through the discussion, I learned that it’s okay to be real and speak out without fear of being judged or called names.

Why do you think it’s important for men to engage in these conversations?

M: It’s important for men to discuss these issues because it’s not something that men have been doing in the past. There are a lot of guys out there who are holding on by a thread, because they don’t know how to cope. Sometimes a man may just need a friend to vent to, while others will need the help of a professional.

G: It’s important for men to engage in these talks because they are not only good for women, but for the society at large. It was quite interesting for me to see the [Beijing Wave] ladies have a collection of videos of men that are abused in their relationships, and trying to find out more about men, it’s really a huge score on feminism’s part. They are not just opposing men, or they just want to be viewed differently, but they are trying to build a society that is equal, that has common values of love, respect, and kindness, not based on any gender. If we all view feminism without any biases, our society will be rooted together and we will have needed smiles.

Anything else you’d like to share?

M: One aspect that wasn’t discussed was how medication to treat a lot of these mental health issues really does change a person. I had to come to terms with the fact that some men in my life that are on meds to treat their illness are not the same person that I once knew.

G: People should not be defined by what is between their legs. People should be defined by what is within their heart and minds. After all, our genders are only valid in bathrooms and bedrooms most of the time. Besides that, we define differently. After all, we are all the same, we should embrace and complement each other. No need to hate or discriminate, as we all start the same for the first 20 weeks of pregnancy, we are all genderless. We should also remember that everything we know right now we were taught. Let’s teach kids wisely, because some of the things we are suffering now are things we were taught when we were young. Some people develop what I call, “concrete mindset.” They can’t change anything, it’s like whatever they were taught is final, they don’t need anything new or to adjust, which becomes a problem in life. We need to have a mindset which is flexible, not quick to judge, but rather more understanding and considerate. For wisdom is the ability to understand difference in people, difference in time, and difference in opinions.

Photos: Pixabay, Beijing Wave

OK, so there are probably times when we men should talk a bit less and listen a bit more. (That’s what my wife says, anyway.) But there is one area where men don’t talk nearly enough, and that’s about our emotions. And the consequences are serious. Young men, so often raised to believe that “boys don’t cry,” and asking for help is a sign of weakness, are vastly more likely than women to commit suicide or self-harm.

One group in Beijing is determined to break this pattern, and is running an event to encourage men to start talking about how they really feel. According to organizers Beijing Wave, “Feminism is for Everyone: Get Men Talking will take the form of an open discussion guided by short films and topical questions that will have participants breaking down the overlooked epidemic that is men’s mental health and suicide.”

We asked founder Jodie Warren to tell us more about the group.

“We’re (currently) a group of women striving to form a strong and visibly present community in Beijing that connects through gender equality and women’s empowerment,” she told us. “We host events at which this community can discuss, share and educate one another on topics that are relevant worldwide.”

But many men, we suggested, see feminism as a threat, not a solution to their problems.

“True feminism advocates for equal treatment and opportunity for everyone regardless of gender,” Warren said. “Therefore feminism should never be taken as a threat to men because we are on their side.”

In fact, they decided to launch their series of events with a discussion of men’s issues.

“We wanted to start a series titled Feminism Is For Everyone to diminish the idea that feminism is a cis-woman only movement. We felt the best place to start was with men. I’m from the UK and recently the statistics regarding suicide amongst our young men has been brought to light to which people have been avidly campaigning to raise awareness of men’s mental health. November is also a huge month where men across the globe take part in Movember which raises money for men’s mental health charities!”

All are welcome at the event, Warren said, but they are keen for men to attend and speak about their lives. She added that it’s particularly vital for parents to be supported in changing the messages we send to children about gender and mental health.

“Although we encourage all genders to attend Beijing Wave events we, of course, encourage men to attend first and foremost. We believe it’s important to provide men with a space where they are able to discuss mental health without judgement or stigma attached to the things they share. We want this event to chip away at the burden men may face when talking about their mental health and suicide. I believe parents raising young boys (or girls) would benefit greatly from attending this event because we’ll be unpacking the gender stereotypes taught from childhood and how this is likely to impact young boys negatively as they get older.”

If you want to be part of this important conversation, you can book via the QR code in the poster below.

Feminism is for Everyone: Get Men Talking, Nov 5

Adults. RMB 30. 6.30pm. Beijing Wave. Caravan, 44 Guanghua Lu, Chaoyang District. (8563-0801) 光华路44号.

Photo: Wokandapix from Pixabay

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Let us know by leaving your message in the comments section below or by emailing us at webeditor@beijing-kids.com. Follow us on WeChat (ID: beijing-kids) or join our family events WeChat group by sending us your WeChat QR code. Please note that readers should confirm with each organizer if events are canceled or scheduled as planned. For more events that may not be included in this list, please check our Events page. 

Morning Cuppa by British Club Beijing, May 14
China may have invented tea, but the British definitely invented the cuppa! At this month’s cuppa, the British Club Beijing will be mixing it up a bit with a brief warm-up from Eris Fitness as an introduction to Fascial stretching and how it can energize you and help relieve stiffness and joint pain. So come and enjoy a light brunch and prosecco, win exciting prizes in a fabulous raffle, mingle, make new friends, and enjoy! All ages. RMB 150. Scan the QR code on the poster to register. 10am-noon. The Westin Beijing Chaoyang.

Relationship Workshop, May 14
Life coach Caneisha Berry conducts a workshop on May 14 to empower couples and help them create stronger and healthier relationships. She will discuss the truth about relationships, give tips on communicating effectively, and help you understand the reason behind disagreements. Adults. RMB 300 (early bird price before May 12), RMB 350 (regular price). Price includes workshop, workbook, and a free coaching session scheduled after the event. 6-9pm. The Bookworm.

i(COLOUR) – DCB’s Super Fun Colour Run, May 17
Be doused in happy summer colors! Join Dulwich College Beijing (DCB) on May 17 for i(COLOUR), the school’s super fun color run! Run, walk, or jog with friends and family, throw color, listen to music, and take part in special mini activities. Food, drinks, and more color will be available on site, and all proceeds go to support student STEM projects at DCB. All ages. RMB 100 (includes a branded event tee, two packets of color, and admission). Dulwich College Beijing. (rsvp@dulwich-beijing.cn)

Elisabeth Koch Millinery Hat Making Workshop, May 17
China’s only classically-trained milliner, Elisabeth Koch is conducting another hat-making workshop this week. Bring your children and come on over to Sunny Dental Clinic in Shine Hills to create a fashionable designer headpiece from scratch. All ages. RMB 500 (includes materials and hat box). 10am. Sunny Dental Clinic, Shine Hills. (WeChat ID: amazinghats, 15611224937)

IMC Sports First Aid Training, May 17
If you are doing sports, recreationally or professionally, as an athlete or a coach or audience, the International Medical Center (IMC) Beijing welcomes you to this course led by Elite Squash Academy to learn first aid techniques in case of sports injuries. Adults. RMB 300 per person. Scan the QR code on the poster to register. 1-4pm. The City, F2 West Tower, World Financial Center. (play@elite-squash.com)

京Sing-A Capella Concert, May 17
Jing Sing is a vibrant, long-standing international a cappella group in Beijing. With an eclectic mix of songs from swing to pop to Disney favorites, Jing Sing has entertained Beijing audiences for the past 5 years. Be cheered by Jing Sing’s renditions of contemporary songs as well as old classics from bands such as the Temptations at their concert at The Bookworm on May 17. Adults. RMB 60 (entrance only). Scan the QR code on the poster to register. 8-10pm. The Bookworm.

The Forbidden City Tour, May 17 and 30
Beijing’s premier tour operator, Bespoke Travel Company, is organizing a trip to the Forbidden City on May 17 and 30. It’s no surprise Beijing’s most fascinating sight, has inspired an Oscar-winning movie and countless Chinese soap operas: there’s enough murder, betrayal, and intrigue woven into its 500-year story to fuel hundreds more. With its rich cast of characters – concubines, court officials, eunuchs, the Emperor – and wildly changing fortunes (to say nothing of its stunning architecture and symbolism), this is one Beijing bucket list sight you need a professional to help you appreciate. Ages 12+. RMB 385 (including entrance ticket and tour guide). 2-5pm. Participants should bring their passport to enter the Forbidden City. Meeting point at TRB Hutong, Forbidden City East Gate.

Montessori Nights: “Montessori Elementary Curriculum in a Nutshell” Workshop, May 17 and 31
Blossom Montessori is conducting four late afternoon workshops to introduce their elementary Montessori program to prospective parents and families. The following topics will be discussed in the workshops: a day in an elementary Montessori class; movements and learning; an overview of their Mathematics curriculum; and another overview of their Language curriculum. Adults. Free but reservation required. 5.30-7pm. Blossom Montessori. (135 8188 7792, admissions@blossom-edu.com)

BIBA Family Fair 2019, May 18
Bring the family along for a day of lively entertainment to Beijing International Bilingual Academy (BIBA) on May 18, when they celebrate their annual Family Fair for the community. The fair includes pony rides, water activities, sports, a fashion world, and music, plus a food court along with many more entertaining features. This is a day for the whole community to enjoy. All ages. Free admission, but there will be a charge to buy vouchers to join games and activities. 9.30am-1.30pm. Beijing International Bilingual Academy.

Ivy Education Group’s Unity Day 2019, May 18
Ivy Education Group proudly brings a spectacular afternoon sure to entertain, energize, and inspire the Beijing community. At their Unity Day, there will be everything including a raffle corner, bouncy castles, arts and crafts, STEM, sports activities, carnival games, face painting, and more! Non-stop entertainment on stage such as Daystar’s Got Talent, an acrobat show, and three live bands including Beijing’s award-winning favorite “The Hunters” will keep your feet tapping. Then there’s mouthwatering food to satisfy all cravings. All ages. Free admissions and activities. 3-8pm. Daystar Academy Beigao Campus. (jaw@daystarchina.cn)

The Children’s House Art Exhibition, May 18
The Children’s House students will showcase their expression, interpretation, and development as individuals and artists at the school’s very first art exhibition. The works will display a diverse range of skills and techniques, creativity, and dedication. During the exhibition, an interactive art work inspired by Japanese artist Kusama Yayoi will be displayed, offering children and parents to create a collaborative piece of art that will be auctioned for charity. All ages. Free. 9-11.30am. The Children’s House Oceanwide Campus. (RSVP: 8556 4611, info-oceanwide@montessoribeijing.com)

The Beijing Flea Market Spring Edition, May 18
Beijing’s one-stop shop, the Beijing Flea Market, is back this springtime on May 18 at noon-6pm at Tech Temple Sanlitun. Shop around and find great deals from more than 40 vendors with the best local, independent design and crafts from both established and emerging makers in Beijing. All ages. Free. Noon-6pm. Tech Temple Sanlitun.

Mad Dogs China Fundraiser, May 18
Join Mad Dogs China for their annual fundraiser in support of Shepherds Field Children’s Village. Your ticket gets you into a concert with more than 10 bands, tons of kids activities, Bitburger and Chimay beer, plus a chili cook-off, and there are fabulous raffle prizes to be won. All ages. By donation. From 1pm. Beijing Riviera.

BlackEXPO Africa Week Edition, May 19
BlackEXPO organizes another edition of this booming market that connects and celebrates the black and African diaspora in Beijing. The May event is organized by Kente and Silk, and expect world-class vendors, amazing performers, and a transporting atmosphere. Adults. RMB 30. Buy tickets here. 4-10pm. 27 Yuan, 27 Neiwubu Street, Dongcheng District. 东城区内务部街27号

Rumble in the Jumble – Buddha’s Birthday, May 19
This month’s edition of the expat-favorite bazaar Rumble in the Jumble will be transcendental as they mark the birthday of Buddha on May 19 at Modernista. Come join the Rumble team and an array of vendors with products, services, and food items that will lead you into pleasure and harmony! All ages. Free admission. Noon-6pm. Modernista, Baochao Hutong.

Cultural Keys: Sugar Art Workshop, May 19
Chinese sugar art – sugar blowing and sugar painting – has been a staple folk art at markets and fairs for hundreds of years. Both can be eaten but are usually just bought for fun! Join Cultural Keys at Culture Yard on May 19 and learn how to use sugar to create beautiful pieces of edible art in a workshop suitable for the whole family. Ages 8+. RMB 188 (adults), RMB 158 (children). 2-5pm. Culture Yard.

“Run to the Beat” Musical Marathon in the Ming Tombs Scenic Area, May 19
Run to the Beat Musical Half Marathon, 10K, and 5K will take place in the Ming Tombs Reservoir Scenic Area in Changping District on May 19, 2019. Live bands and DJs will be playing on course to cheer for the runners. The music party continues at the center stage after crossing the finish line. Ages 16+. RMB 248 (half marathon), RMB 178 (5k), RMB 218 (10k). Register here. Starts 8am. Ming Tombs.

Finding Ways to Be Eco-friendly, May 19
Join this workshop with Natalie Bennett at the Goethe-Institute and learn simple things you can do right now to reduce your personal carbon footprint. Participants must come willing and able to make real change to their personal habits, so check at the link for the screening questions. Visit this link for more info. Adults. Free but registration required. 11am-3pm. Goethe-Institut, 1/F, Bldg C, Haixing Mansion, southwest corner of Haidian Zhonglu and Haidian Nanjie Intersection, Haidian District. 海淀区海淀中路和海淀南街十字路口西南角海兴大厦C座1层

The Many-Faced Fan: Game of Thrones Costume and Viewing Party at Caravan (Season 8 Finale), May 20
Game of Thrones fans in Beijing, hear ye! You think it matters who sits on the Iron Throne? If so, come in with your entire GOT regalia to Caravan and join other fans for a costume and viewing party of epic proportions! The Sounds of the Seven band will enchant everyone with haunting tracks of the series during the party! Join the other fans to mark the glorious end of this TV series. Ages 18+. RMB 30 (for attendees in GOT costume), RMB 50 (at the door). Price includes a welcome beer from Vedett or a soft drink. Buy your tickets here. 6.30-10.30pm. Caravan. (WeChat ID: anp3rd)

WAB Fun Fair, May 25
Western Academy of Beijing (WAB) will be hosting a series of community events with endless amounts of entertainment and activities going on. Tiger Field turns into a wild theme park of inflatable play areas, water games, and activities. Sponsored by the Parent Link community, this is the perfect time for younger children and families to enjoy some fun in the sun while staying cool. Make sure that children are wearing water-friendly clothes and shoes, and a hat and sunglasses might be a good idea, too! For a complete list of activities, check out this link. All ages. 3-6pm. Western Academy of Beijing.

Piyesta Kultura: The Kusina ni Kabayan Philippine Culture Festival, Jun 1
Celebrate the bright colors of Philippine culture… in Beijing! Filipino community group Kusina ni Kabayan, together with Pan Pacific Beijing, invite everyone to Piyesta Kultura 2019, a festival where everything is more fun. Indulge in native and tropical treats, revel in the festivities that include a karaoke sing-off challenge and a cultural pageant, and join the Filipino community in Beijing in celebrating their 121st Independence Day! All ages. RMB 178 (includes 4 hrs of selected free-flow drinks from 11am to 3pm and a food voucher worth RMB 20), free for kids below 6. 10am-6pm. Pan Pacific Beijing, 2 Huayuan St., Xidan, Xicheng District. (WeChat ID: Kusina-ni-Kabayan) 

Photos: Pixabay (featured image), courtesy of event organizers