Just after giving birth to my first child, I reconnected with an old primary school friend who had just found out that she too was pregnant. This serendipitous moment sparked a deeper connection between us as we began to share our expectations, anxieties, and memories over Facebook Messenger in a style reminiscent of the back and forth correspondence in You Got Mail.

I find myself carving out time to sit down with tea or finding a quiet moment while in transit to read through detailed anecdotal, humorous, and nostalgic narratives about the personal journey my friend was and is on during what is one of the most momentous times of a woman’s life: growing a life.

One of the many prominent and poignant matters of life and love we ponder over is, of course, our own childhoods, our upbringing, and what we hope and plan our approach will be to parenthood. With each digital mail received, my distant friend who is separated from me by thousands of miles of land and ocean leaves with me deep impressions about a plethora of issues I never knew would be at the forefront of my mind.

All parents, at one point or another, speak about the notion of doing right in the areas where perhaps our parents went wrong; to provide in ways we were not provided for, not necessarily materially but emotionally, physically, and by way of offering an environment that fulfills, educates, and nurtures. One of my major concerns is the ability to allow my son to exercise autonomy. But can our marked efforts to do better in what we believe are key areas in our child’s lives create deficits in others?

Autonomy

I have always felt that I wasn’t given enough autonomy over situations and personal decisions; to have a voice that determined some of the direction I wished to go in, and that was listened to. The somewhat traditional views of my family meant that there was an innate authoritative position that belonged to the parent, and the child should and would be directed rather than allowed to self-determine in areas where it would have been safe enough for them make their own decisions– or at least be given options one could have free rein to select from.

This in turn has already manifested in me an intentional and purposeful stance on giving my son choice, a voice, and much more freedom than I was ever given. However, what deficit might I be creating in areas where a ‘no’ will protect him, as well as providing security and emotional stability in the fact that I as a parent care enough to confront, intervene, and put into place the boundaries that all kids need? When and where is the right time to take away choice? When and where is your voice the final one? Balance is everything.

I have spoken to a number of adults who in their childhood were given more freedom than a child is usually permitted to exercise in their lives, and have heard time and again that their perceived freedom of choice actually translated into abandonment or a feeling that their parents did not care. The burden of choice, and what it is to make decisions for yourself when you don’t necessarily have the tools to do so meant that for some, their autonomy was not a gift but a weight.

The “hands-off” approach to parenting in some scenarios can instill a sense of responsibility, accountability, and freedom, but can also leave a child pining for attention and seeking out destructive ways to be seen and cared for in a more intentional way. This made me think about old tropes regarding parenting, about embracing the idea that sometimes our voice needs to be the overriding factor in our children’s lives and that this, in fact, can be the purest way of showing love and affection.

Autonomy, I guess, can be given in small but significant ways that help our kids develop their characters and voices. Small decisions: food options, what to wear on a Saturday morning, what activity to participate in after school (or whether to have an extra-curricular activity at all), are all ways a parent can create balance and avoid emotional deficits in a child’s life.

Photo: Pixabay 

Every month, Hope International School (HIS) focuses on a monthly character trait and awards certificates to those who either exemplify the character or improve the most. January’s character trait was patience and pictured above are the schools winners from the school’s primary department. HIS Guidance Counselor, Allison Wong answers questions about the program.

Tell us about the program.
Each month, we focus on one character trait that we want to grow in our students.  Posters are created to explain the character trait, and are distributed to each of the teachers and classrooms. Teachers teach each of their classes about the month’s character trait during the month, either in planned lessons or in teachable moments. Weekly assemblies are also used to focus on the character trait.  By the end of the month, students have been taught about the character trait from a variety of perspectives and situations, and understand the importance of growing in the character trait.  At our end-of-month assemblies, one or two students per class are identified by the teacher or classmates as those who have either demonstrated or shown improvement in that character trait.  These students are given an award – elementary students are given a certificate and an ‘I’m growing HIS character’ award button, and secondary students are given a certificate and a ‘free-dress’ day.’

When and why did Hope start this program?
We started the character education program in our first year of operation because we know that students will need to have strong, moral character in order to make a difference in the community. We want to build strong character in our students, so that when they become scientists, businessmen, or politicians, they will have high integrity to help them make wise decisions in their jobs.

What kind of results or changes have you seen so far?
It’s amazing to hear young elementary students talking about the character traits. They help each other by saying, “You’re showing persistence” or “Let’s be compassionate’.  Our students know what good character looks like and want to grow. At the character awards assembly each month, the students enthusiastically applaud the award winners, which tells us that growing in character is positively received and celebrated.

Photo: Courtesy of HIS

Sure, if you have twins, they may look very much alike, but that is no justification for dressing them the same every day. Countless times I have seen the various sets of twins in the neighborhood and they are almost always dressed in matching clothes. It is as if the parents decided the kids should look completely interchangeable with no distinguishing characteristics. One of the main arguments I have heard for this matching attire business is that it is simply easier to buy two of everything when shopping for two kids. What a load of poppycock. I’ve got twins, I’ve bought clothes for them, and it only takes a few extra minutes to grab some different tops and bottoms.

 All right, perhaps I don’t sound convincing enough. After all, I am only one parent, and matching babies are soooo cute. Frankly, I wouldn’t even raise the issue were it not for the opinions expressed to me by one specific group of individuals – adult twins. Over the past year, we encountered numerous people who enquired about the boys, made small talk, and confessed to being a twin. Nearly every time they commented on how we were doing right by our children by not dressing them identically. They expressed feelings of resentment and regret about going through childhood without being seen as an individual.

Before even hearing from these grownup twins, I had already laid down the law in our home (after consulting with my wife, of course) that the boys should not be dressed in matching duds. Despite my mandate, from time to time, our boys have ended up in matching tops. These were given as gifts and, well, the ladies of the household couldn’t help themselves. The boys do look cute when wearing matching outfits. Fortunately, they also look adorable individually – no matter what they are wearing.

Photos: bhenak (flickr)