Back to school.

That phrase alone brings about feelings of both excitement, and, if we are to be honest … maybe a little disappointment at the same time. Summer is over, and it’s back to the daily routine. While parents may be jumping for joy, for children, the start of a new year can bring about feelings of anxiety. New classmates? New teachers? Routines? Perhaps even a new school? Oh my!

In the weeks leading up to a new year, I’ve found it helpful to strengthen my mindset. Yes, the ending of just doing what I want and going back to a routine can suck let’s be honest)… But it’s all in how we think about it.
What’s this mindset business about anyway? Simply put, mindset is how we think and feel about our abilities and the world around us. What we think and feel, along with our mindset, shapes our everyday life experiences and our outlook on the future.

It’s kind of like seeing the world through a clean pair of glasses versus a smudgy pair.

A clean lens gives us the ability to see things clearly and view different possibilities in a distance. While the dirty pair distorts what we see, making it difficult to see past the smudge. How we see the world depends on the mindset.

Dr. Carol Dweck, researcher at Stanford University, equates this to having a growth or a fixed mindset. A growth mindset sees struggle as opportunity, while a fixed mindset finds it difficult to work past the struggle. A new year will bring challenges – so how can we foster a growth mindset before the year even begins?

Begin by exploring with your child how amazing our brains really are! It’s all about neuroplasticity, which is just a fancy way of saying our brains get stronger the more we work it! Check out Big Life Journal, which has a four-week guide to teaching your children about neuroplasticity and the growth mindset available – for free!

It’s All About That Process Praise!
Coined by Elizabeth Gunderson’s research, process praise equates success with actions and effort, not results. This differs from person praise, which looks more at abilities as being fixed – your’e either good or bad at something – nothing in between. When we paise the process it impacts motivation, which is essential to a growth mindset.
Instead of saying “you’re so smart,” go a little deeper by adding the effort and strategies your child used. You can say, “Wow, I am impressed with how hard you worked – you did a great job!” Now they see the link between trying and achieving positive results. A major win when it comes to frustrating moments. Take it up a notch and challenge them by asking “What do you think helped you?” This helps them – and you – start to recognize strategies that are helpful, and it also builds their self-regulation skills.

Praise the Struggle
Don’t be stingy with the praise – encourage your child through struggles as well. When used this way, praise becomes almost like a Jedi mind trick! Encouraging your child to act in a way that encourages a repeat performance.

For example, you can say: “I noticed that you took a deep breath when you were frustrated. That kind of practice settles your energy and helps you communicate and focus better.”

When you use praise as an antecedent, the praise comes before the specific behavior and boosts the likelihood of a positive repeat. #winning

Practice Coping Skills
Life is just that: life – with its various ups and downs. It’s inevitable that children will experience an uncomfortable moment here and there. That’s where coping skills come in!

Emotion-focused coping skills are integral when we can not change a situation, enabling us to manage stress levels. Perhaps as a family creates a Raise the Vibe list, where you list various things you can do to boost your mood. Then put your child to work when a situation calls for it. Practice these high vibe techniques now and your child will have a bag of mood-boosting tricks to carry with them back to school.

Make sure to put these skills into practice by integrating coping skills into your family routines. It could be as simple as a collective breathing or stretching exercise to wind down from the day, or going for a walk together when the energy gets a little too high. Modeling these skills together is a form of co-regulation, which is the first step toward your child’s ability to self-regulate.

Boost Those Problem Solving Skills!
A new school year brings challenges; they are inevitable. Equip your child with problem solving coping skills This will require you to be on the hunt for those teachable moments. So how do you do that? If/when you notice your child struggling with something, stop and ask “Do you think you need to change the situation or change how you feel about the situation?” This challenges your child to think critically and assists them with recognizing they have options, which reduces feelings of stress.

Challenge them to make a list of probable ways to tackle the problem, and lists of pros and cons. By doing this you are teaching them problem solving skills they can use in and outside the classroom!

Remember to model this process as well. Children learn by observing. Next time you are facing a problem, share your problem solving process with them. This way they are able to pull from your example.

Nurture That Spark!
Encourage your child to explore those things that make their hearts smile. Remind them that as they fan that spark, their brain grows stronger – making it easier to learn more. Start talking about new ventures they want to explore this year. Is there something you are wanting to try or learn together as a family?

As with anything, building a growth mindset is a process. It’s not about perfection, rather it’s about celebrating the wins and being grateful for the struggles along the way! Happy mindset building!

Images: Pexels

You made It! For an entire year, you and your partner kept your child alive and managed to keep your own sanity. You threw a big first birthday party, are looking at preschools, and think you finally have this whole parenting thing down. Then something odd happens.

Your sweet little cuddle bundle is suddenly moody, aggressive, and defiant for no apparent reason. It’s not all the time. In fact, at least half the day is a joy. They are learning to do more physically, their vocabulary is increasing, and they are so wonderfully curious about everything! But one minute they are happily laughing and playing with you, and the next they are screaming and throwing the cup of water they just asked you for across the room. No, your child is not possessed! You have arrived at the terrible twos.

Most kids go through this phase at least once between the ages of 1.5 and four. And there are several good developmental reasons for it. First, your little one is trying to learn to be independent. So they are testing boundaries and trying to see what they can and cannot do both physically and socially. That can be incredibly frustrating and exhausting for them (and you) because it means they are constantly trying and failing at things. Secondly, there is a communication barrier. Toddlers are feeling and thinking a lot of things, but they don’t yet have the ability to tell others their experiences and needs. And finally, they don’t understand that their experiences and needs may not be the same as those of others. They assume that you know what they want and are not giving it to them on purpose.

So how do you deal with this incredibly important but very difficult phase? As with most things involving kids, there is no one-size-fits-all solution. But there are a few things you can do to make it easier on both of you.

Let’s start with limiting the tantrums by intervening before they start. Here are a few tools that might be helpful.

Ask Questions: Your child is trying to communicate with you, so when you see a tantrum about to set in and you don’t know why ask, “I don’t understand, can you tell me/show me what you want?”

Create a Shorthand: Especially for the much younger side of the age group, who are not particularly verbal, physical cues can be helpful while they are mastering spoken language. Figure out a signal or single word for basic things like “I want,” “please,” “thank you,” “I can do it myself,” “help me,” etc. Some children do very well with sign language until they are able to speak.

Redirecting With Limited Choices: Remember what we said about independence and boundary-pushing? That’s doesn’t mean your child is capable of making good choices. Giving your child limited options allows for the independence they need and the structure that keeps them safe. For example, rather than saying, “Sit down please,” and being met with a defiant no, you can phrase it as “Do you want to sit in the blue chair or the red chair?” You have set the boundaries because they are going to sit, but they have some control over where they sit. It’s not foolproof but it’s shocking how often this works with even the most stubborn children.

Schedules: This phase is exhausting for both of you. Your child’s brain and body are developing at lightning speed and they need more sleep and food than you think. So work that into your daily schedule. A well-rested and well-fed toddler is more likely to be (slightly) more reasonable and less prone to meltdowns, and caregivers who have a few hours of downtime during naps are more likely to be able to help navigate and support their little one during their waking hours. Getting on a schedule will also make the transition to school easier when that time comes.

But even if you are superwoman, Mary Poppins, and Mr. Rogers all rolled into one, there are going to be meltdowns. Often public ones.

Stay Calm: Breath in, breath out, and speak in an even, controlled voice. You getting upset is only going to add fuel to the fire. Your child doesn’t understand what is happening to them and needs you to talk them through it.

Acknowledge feelings: Start by identifying what they are feeling. “I see you are angry and that’s okay. Can you tell me/show me why?” For older children, ask them to identify the feeling: “I want to help you but I need to understand what you need. Can you tell me what is wrong?”

Ride the Wave: Often your child is too far gone to talk, what I oh-so-technically refer to as being “all torqued up.” Give them time to calm down, but don’t give in to the negative behavior. Stay close to them so they know you are available when they are ready to communicate. But do not acknowledge the screaming or flailing. The second they calm down and approach for a hug or voice an emotion (“I am angry/sad/hurt.”) acknowledge it, provide comfort, and give positive reinforcement for their communication.

Change Locations: If something in the environment was overwhelming or triggered the tantrum, take them to a calmer place. This is especially necessary if they are hitting or getting physically aggressive. They need to understand that feelings are okay but actions have consequences, and when we hit we cannot be around our friends. This sort of behavior often happens in play spaces or shopping areas where there is a lot of stimulation. Moving to a room with very little light, noise, or tech, or even going outside to a natural environment, can be calming and help your child process their emotions.

Offer Options and Make Them Ask: Once the crying and screaming have passed, set a new script. Identify what they want. Give them choices that are appropriate, and make them ask for what they would like. Then respond to the needs they stated. For example: “I understand you want ice cream now but we only eat ice cream for dessert. Would you like to get ice cream for us to have after dinner?” Get a “yes, please” or “no, thank you” response. If they answer affirmatively, give them a choice: “Great. Would you like chocolate or vanilla?”

Set Boundaries and Be Consistent: I know it is exhausting, but if you give in and let them have ice cream for dinner because they threw a tantrum, then what they learned is “If I yell enough I get what I want.” But if you hold your ground, they will try something else next time. This is why giving them the communication options above is so important.  Toddlers are smart and objective-oriented. A big part of this developmental phase is them figuring out the best way to get needs and wants met, and they will continue the actions that get them results. So, if tantrums get results, they will throw more tantrums. The same holds true with talking and negotiating.

None of these will work all the time. Some of them won’t work for you at all, while others will feel like a magic bullet. Every toddler is unique and evolving, so be patient and try different things. My last reminder is to take time to recharge. If you are at the end of your rope, ask for help. Tag out with your ayi or partner. Ask a friend to watch the kids for an hour so you can read a book or get a manicure, and make sure you return the favor at a later date. You need to care for yourself so that you can care for your child.

Images: Canva

KEEP READING: Early Education Center Scams: What Are the Red Flags?

People everywhere are more the same than they are different. As parents, although our cultural norms and structure might be different, we all basically want the same things for our kids. We want them to be happy, successful, well-adjusted, and kind. But in China, the pressure to stand out and excel is pretty tough, to put it mildly. The pressure to do well in school, to have artistic abilities and academic prowess, is real and well founded, as it does make the difference in what doors open for children, so we can’t ignore that. But what do kids really need in order to achieve our basic wishes for them?

We live in a rapidly changing world. With the ease of information at our fingertips constantly, the pressure to learn and retain facts is not really required anymore. Rather than knowing lots of information, our kids need to know how to find information, how to evaluate sources for credibility, and how to compare and contrast different information from different sources and understand nuance and bias in information, to discriminate fact from opinion, and to use reasoning and logic to draw conclusions. In other words, our children need to learn to become good researchers.

Along with being able to pick apart rational arguments and information, our children need to develop a moral compass. In some ways, the digital age and globalization has made the world so easy to attain with only a few clicks, that I fear we have lost a set of grounding principles to guide us through the many ethical dilemmas of modern life. Yet, with so many diplomatic and environmental struggles on the docket of our current world system, having a moral bottom line seems essential to navigating our ever more convenient lives. We need to find a way to value the simple pleasures of life – a quick meal, transportation, and the changing landscape of people that flow in and out of our lives are all precious things that we may take for granted, yet many of these simple conveniences were unattainable or extravagant not that long ago.

Educators from around the world are beginning to understand the value of the simplest things in life. Cultivating gardens, making ample time and space for enjoying a walk in nature, even playing simple music or painting have come to the forefront of the leading institutions in education. Self-care, reflection, home cooked foods, and hobbies have suddenly become valued by highly successful people. Even finding time for unstructured play has become a staple in big business. It’s almost as if our grandparents were really onto something – that the things they spent their time on really were worth doing, and now that they are no longer a necessity, they are what fills our lives with satisfaction.

Because our lives have become so much more convenient, rich, and full of opportunity, don’t we owe our children a way to maximize this spectacular situation? We can fully take advantage of our circumstance by enriching our children’s minds with the highest art, the most subtle expressions, and the deepest cultivation of stewardship that we can imagine. We have the time and the resources. And the only things we cannot access in the new global culture are the things which always were the most real: deep thinking, a moral compass, and passion for self-directed handmade work. These are truly gems we can try to cultivate and share with our 21st century kids for a bright and healthy future.

Photo: Pixabay

I have no doubt that what occupies the mind of both new and seasoned parents is our child’s development. We want to be able to predict our child’s behavior and character with expert precision, but this, of course, is only a daydream. Instead, as I’ve come to realize through observation and of course extensive new-mom research, our kids will truly surprise us.

We should never underestimate our kids, and there are so many factors that go into behavior and learning that we should also never underestimate the positive impact we can have when we understand their neurological development and how we can better guide them towards positive developmental outcomes.

Use the following stages of neurological development to better support your child and understand the powerful role you have as a parent when it comes to your babies’ brain development.

Sensorimotor Stage

Between birth and 2 years old, a child is getting used to experiencing the world around them through their senses. Using objects and their sensations, a child will begin to understand and master each environment they interact with. It’s all trial and error for a while, and when they reach the age of 1 a child will learn object permanence (understanding that an object continues to exist outside the field of vision).

Babies are also developing socially and emotionally and will look to their parent for support. According to Sarah Lytle, Ph.D., from the Institute for Learning & Brain Sciences at the University of Washington in Seattle, this is called social referencing or social cognition; for example, when a child engages with someone they don’t know they usually look to the parent to gauge how to respond. Show them how to respond through your own interaction to build confidence and independence.

A child will usually utter their first word around the six-month mark. To help your child develop their language skills use your gaze, which they will follow when introducing them to a new word. Place emphasis on words with your eyes by moving them slowly. And lay off the baby talk (although we are encouraged to use a baby tone) and use words correctly, in full and in complete, grammatically correct sentences (which so happened to be an “I told you so” triumph in my household.)

Pre-operational Stage

Here is where a child’s language skills go up a few notches. Between the age of 2 and 7, a child will develop numerical understanding and learn the difference between past and future. During this stage, our kids will have a handle on concrete situations; however, more abstract concepts will take more time to grasp.

In an earlier post about toddlers, The Terrible Twos, I wrote about different phrases we can use to help manage and support a toddler, and it’s during this stage that these will become powerful tools. From the age of 2, a child will find it difficult to think outside of their own wants and needs. For now, ‘self’ can be an overriding factor when it comes to sharing or caring about others.

Parents can work at developing and building a child’s level of empathy by using the “Sally-Ann test” and reading stories where they will need to put themselves in a character’s shoes.

The last two stages of neurological development are the Concrete Stage and the Formal Operations Stage. Between the ages of 6 to 12, the former enters a child into the age of reason, where they grasp abstract concepts and empathy. However, a child at this stage still requires further development in regard to systematic reasoning. Lytle suggests that parents should be sensitive to a child’s emotional welfare during this stage, as marital spats or a parent who might be suffering from stress or depression could negatively impact their psychological development.

The latter concerns a child’s development from 12 throughout their teenage years. This is where you will see greater capacities for hypothetical thinking, complex reasoning, and a greater understanding of moral issues. However, our work is not done: teenagers often evaluate situations using their amygdala (emotional center) of their brains and our prefrontal cortex is actually not fully developed until we are around the age of 25. Give children during this stage the opportunity to express themselves, participate in active problem solving, and make judgment calls.

Who knew learning a little neuroscience could make a real difference to parenthood? Raising children is never easy but educating ourselves is half the battle.

Photos: Pixabay

There’s only so much time in the day for the whole family to sit down together and enjoy a wholesome, home-cooked meal. Unfortunately for us, this means we’ll likely often be struck with some of those dreaded hunger pangs as we go about our jam-packed everyday lives. Enter snacking. Though it’s a heavily debated topic, let’s face it: snacking will oftentimes be our savior in the midst of a long day. But the real question remains: is this snacking really good for us? And for that matter, is it really good for the children?

To be fair, there is a simple reason for why this topic is so controversial. “Snacking” itself does not actually possess a concrete scientific definition. Likewise, an answer as to whether this snacking is really beneficial (or detrimental) to a child’s health remains just as ambiguous. And because of this, the best we can do is to try and better understand it—and its implications—and take the time to analyze it from a few different perspectives.

Statistically, children today are snacking more than ever before. According to Dr. Barry Popkin, a professor of nutritional health at the University of North Carolina, children aged between 2 and 8 around the world, on average, currently consume anywhere from three to seven snacks (which he designates as “[any]food consumed superfluously between the day’s primary meals”) every day. Compare that to not that long ago; the mean number of snacks consumed, per day, by children of the same demographic in 1970 was a mere one to two.

So what does this mean, exactly? Are children today becoming intoxicated by the addictive nature of calorie-laden snack foods? Of high concentrations of sodium, sugar, and dietary fats? Well, not exactly. Or, rather, it depends. And this is exactly where the multiple perspectives angle comes in.

Children are growing, and this in itself means that they have substantially higher energy needs than adults. Simply put, they burn a lot of calories every day just being them. And to support growth in early years, it is beneficial for them to consume at least as many calories as they expend. The problem is that, oftentimes, even with three meals a day, it can be difficult to satisfy those caloric requirements, especially for children who are active in their day-to-day lives (think after-school soccer or basketball or tennis practices multiple days a week). This is where snacking is especially helpful—providing some growth-stimulating fuel throughout a child’s daily schedule.

But again, multiple perspectives. Snacking carries with it a barrage of caveats that must be addressed. Despite the advantages that come with implementing snacks into your child’s diet, it must be done with care and strategy. This means paying close attention to not only the content of the snacks themselves, but also the ways in which they are being consumed. After all, packing pre-portioned organic nut butter with fresh celery sticks for your child’s morning recess is really not the same thing as allowing him or her to pop open a bag of deep-fried potato chips and plop down in front of the television.

In summary, the takeaway should be as follows. First, monitor (if possible) and consider the quality of the foods your child is used to snacking on. If you find that their choices tend to lean towards the unhealthy, remember that small changes can really go a long way. For instance, 100 grams of watermelon yields a respectable volume of fruit, and boasts a mere 30 calories, while 100 grams of, say, M&M’s barely give you a measly handful, and pack on a whopping 480 calories.

Second, consider constructing your own approach to snacking which you’d like to see your child adopt. If a kid is left to their own devices, it wouldn’t be surprising that they’d give in to their cravings and pick the cupcake over the apple. But few children would refuse the apple if it were given to them to begin with. Not to mention, introducing structure into the way your child snacks can provide a sense of comfort—for both you and them. If you know that your child tends to get hungry coming home in the afternoon, have some healthy snack options ready. You will be comforted to know what’s going into their bellies, and they, in turn, will know to expect a wholesome treat after a long day at school. Over time, a structure like this can adapt a child’s mindset—building, early on, a healthy and balanced relationship with food.

Photos: alarmy.com, longroom.com.uk, The Food Network

As an expat parent in Beijing, I’ve read books on parenting, attended lectures on learning and development, trained in Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.), and listened to “experts” and armchair know-it-alls argue the benefits of one parenting style or another. Yet despite all this, my fallback during times of stress tends to be whatever I learned growing up from my own parents. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, as I think my parents did a rather exceptional job of raising three boys. The fact that all three of us survived childhood is proof of that, as we did not make the job of parenting easy. Still, when I heard about Kevin Fong’s workshop on Mindful Parenting, I was intrigued.

In the conference room at Daystar Academy, 20+ parents sat around the table and along the walls while Kevin gave a bilingual presentation in two hours that he designed to be delivered in a single language. Typical of daytime workshops, I was the lone male attendee in a beautiful sea of caring mothers. Despite operating in dual language mode, Kevin managed to get through the material and to allow multiple breakout sessions so that we could practice the deceptively simple tools he introduced to us.

Mindfulness got its start in 1979 at the University of Massachusetts Medical School and has since become the subject of thousands of studies in various fields of human interaction and health. Research into the practice has shown benefits of: increased memory, regulation of emotions, self-referential processing, perspective taking, and stress reduction. Health specific benefits include: improved auto-immune system, regulation of blood pressure, mange and reduces chronic pain, reduces symptoms and/or suffering of untreatable diseases, and reduced stress and anxiety. Not to mention it benefits creativity, concentration, self control, and improves the sense of happiness and contentment.

So far it sounds great, but how does this relate to parenting, you ask? Kevin talked about six benefits to parents and children that psychologists attribute to Mindfulness:

• Reduces stress experienced by parents, thereby lowers their habitual reactions.
• Assists parents who are challenged physically or psychologically, reducing ruminating in fear or regret or focusing on negative thoughts
• Helps quick-tempered parents to plan better and make better decisions
• Avoids passing down poor parenting habits to the next generation
• Enables parents to take better self-care
• Improves relationship of couples so to enable/encourage better cooperation/collaboration in parenting.

According to Kevin, all of this may be achieved by taking a few minutes (1-5 minutes at a time) to calmly focus on your breathing throughout the day. Okay, I’m oversimplifying it a bit, but not much. The practice is quite simple, but that’s the catch, it requires practice. As Kevin pointed out, just as we need to lift weights or exercise regularly to improve our body, so too must me use Mindfulness in our daily lives to realize its many benefits. Kevin is living proof as he gladly shared with the participants his life story about how mindfulness improved his health and interactions with other so much that he quit his London-based career in finance to help people learn to be mindful and improve the quality of their lives too. A choice I’m thankful he made.

Kevin Fong is an accredited senior trainer for Corporate Based Mindfulness Training and the Co-Founder of the GAIA Tree Centre for Mindfulness. To learn more about Kevin and his Beijing workshops, visit his blog: blog.sina.com.cn/fongkevin (Chinese only) or email kevin.fong.gt@gmail.com.

Photo: Christopher Lay