For those of you who have already embarked on this journey, you’ll know how difficult it is to tactfully help your children make the right choices for themselves – well, essentially, save them from themselves! And those of you who will be there in the near future, brace yourselves for a roller coaster ride that I’m told never ends… and I’m a believer!

Our older daughter just picked her IB choices for the coming academic year. We were very confident that it would be a breeze this time around. We’d been through a similar drill before for her IGSCE choices 2 years ago. To say that the drama that unfolded then was worthy of an Oscar for best script would be an understatement! At the mature age of 13, she was passionate about pursuing Medicine and impressed upon my husband and I, the nobility of the profession, the lives she’d be saving, how her biology grades were proof enough that she was predestined for this line of work. She then proceeded to enlighten us with the fact that it was a recession-proof profession, a fact she was certain had never dawned on us!

She laid out her choices before us. Apart from the core subjects (Sciences, English, Math, and a language) that were required and not optional, she picked History, Religious studies, French, and Drama. Okay. Drama, why drama?! Call us completely unimaginative and conservative in our thinking, but my husband and I couldn’t for the life of us work out, how drama tied in with medicine? To our knowledge, the only theater we knew of in that line of work was the Operating Theater and we were certain that there was literally no room for drama in there! Except on Grey’s Anatomy perhaps! However, what unfolded in the next 4-5 days was drama alright! Crying, emotional blackmail, counseling sessions, crying, dinner table philosophizing, crying, elaborate deal making… did I mention crying!? The end result? She got what she wanted. While we didn’t see Drama doing any harm in the bigger scheme of things, we’re still clueless on what it has to do with medicine.

Fast forward to the present: 2 years later. Last week, we waltzed into the school auditorium knowing exactly what to expect this time around, or so we thought! A couple of presentations and some option-explorations later, we were stripped of our smug ‘we-are-sorted’ attitude. Why? She needed to make some more choices which would narrow things down for her and channel her in the right direction of for her chosen career path in college. This would’ve been easy enough had she stuck with her resolve to pursue medicine. But, no…surprise! Our 13-year-old then, was not as mature as our 15-year-old now! Who would’ve guessed that she was capable of changing her mind? We don’t know any fickle minded 13-year-olds…do you? Turns out she really didn’t know what she wanted then, but she does now! She is absolutely certain, now, that she wants to be a lawyer! She wants to fight for human rights! She wants to work for the UN! From Medicine to Law…it makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? How did we not see that coming?

So, what followed for the next 4-5 days was some more enlightenment…yes, she enlightened us! Her choices: History, French, and Drama! Why Law and why Drama again, we asked? The emotional blackmail attempts, the crying, long discussions, some more crying, university counseling at school, more deals… Déjà vu! It was like reinventing the wheel, however, this time around, we stood our ground, determined to prevail. She needed to be taught the age old art of trading: she would have to give some to get some. The end result: we let her pick French over Chinese and, in return, she had to pick Economics over Drama. The choices were made, submitted, peace was restored at home. We are catching our breath now – and holding it – since we know what is barreling down the road towards us in two short years. College applications, programs to choose, and yet another career choice shift possibly, when applying to colleges. Our 17-year-old in two years, will be more mature than our 15-year-old now, and of course she’ll know for sure then, what she wants to be when she grows up, right?

Photo Courtesy: flickr.com

It’s easy for us to talk about our children when they behave, but it’s not so pleasant to admit when they don’t. Some of us have good-natured children; some of us may have difficult children. However, they are never perfect – and neither are we. As much as we love them, all parents feel like they could do with a little help sometimes. I know I do, so I’d like to share something I encountered in 2008.

I kept it so I could keep referring to it as needed. I filed it away so well, though, that I didn’t always know where to look when I wanted to review it. Voila, I stumbled upon it today. It rang true then and it still rings true now, despite the fact that both my children are five years older and I should be that many years wiser too.

What I’ve had is a handout, some notes taken by a Montessori teacher based on a book is called “Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach” by Howard Glasser and Jennifer Easley, written in 1998. The parenting objective that is addressed is the same as it is with all children: recognizing the value of each child as an individual, and transforming those children who challenge our patience and test our limits more than we would like for them to.

The method involves understanding our child, knowing how to communication effectively with them and setting limits. As can be expected with difficult children, they will certainly question our authority and test our limits. Once we accept this as an inevitable part of the relationship, it will become easier for us to assert what we need to. The main point of the method involves what Glasser calls the Three Stands. We need to find the right combination of structure that includes positive energy and effective limit-setting.

Stand One: Absolutely No!
I refuse to energize negative behavior.
Rather than react with elevated energy, attention, and relationship to disruptions and outbursts that distract children from their greatness, I will strive to neutralize negative behavior through immediate, concrete, and uncharged responses consistent with the harmonious environment I am creating… by way of a simple form of consequence called a “reset.”

Stand Two: Absolutely Yes!
I will relentlessly energize the positive. As much as possible, I will work immediately to identify, describe, and express appreciation for steps, large and small, a child takes in manifesting his or her positive choices and intrinsic greatness. I will actively initiate opportunities for children to be successful.

Stand Three: Absolute Clarity!
I will maintain total clarity about rules that demonstrate fair and consistent boundaries. I will consistently enforce rules and provide immediate consequences through resetting each time a rule is broken. I will recognize the child in the moment they have reset and create that next moment as an opportunity for success.

The final objective with this parenting method is to transform our difficult children into self-regulating individuals. We hand over the control to the child by compassionately trusting that they can arrive at the decision to control themselves without us having to tell them to do so. Children have to be “bombarded” with experiences of success. Although at first it may be external to them, through a process of time, integration and assimilation, success will come to be second nature to even the most difficult child.

With the dawn of readily-accessible info on the worldwide web, there is much more material to work with now than just the handwritten notes taken by one person over a decade ago. Learn more on Glasser’s website about his method for nurturing the difficult child.

Dana is the beijingkids Shunyi Correspondent. Originally from the Philippines, she moved to Beijing in 2011 (via Europe) with her husband, two sons and Rusty the dog. She enjoys writing, photography, theater, visual arts, and trying new food. In her free time, she can be found exploring the city and driving along the mountain roads of Huairou, Miyun and Pinggu.

Photo by Dana Cosio-Mercado

My friend and I were hungry the other day while hanging out and decided to buy some bread to quell our hunger. We walked down to the basement and saw a Paris Baguette beside a BreadTalk. Being Singaporean, I naturally went for the BreadTalk.

It is only natural for people to support local brands from their place of origin: just as the Koreans carry their Samsung phones, use Kia Cars and buy bread from Paris Baguette, the Chinese should also carry their own local HTC phones and use their brand of ChangHong television. Why do they not?

Quality
While it is true that China has a bad reputation for their products, it is also undeniable that the quality of their products has been improving. Since 2004, ChangHong has allegedly made 90% of televisions imported to the United States, as ordered by a foreign branded company. When a ChangHong branded television is placed alongside that of a foreign brand, the Chinese brand is significantly cheaper. The same manufacturer makes these televisions with the same specifications, but their prices vary. The only difference between the products is that the label shows a different name.

The Chinese consumer will buy the foreign brand, as they believe this gives them “quality assurance” and is a good way to show off to guests. However, Chinese companies essentially make everything in China. This trend for foreign brands is also why the industry of imitation goods in China flourishes. With the price of a fake leather LV bag in China, one can buy a genuine leather handbag that is sturdier. However, the latter does not have the element of foreign-made glamour.

There was a milk powder scandal in China in 2008, when milk formulas were found to contain the harmful substance melamine. Since then, laws have been created and the Chinese milk industry is following rules as strict as those of their foreign counterparts. However, in January 2013, the Chinese tourists bought so much milk powder from Australia that supermarket shelves were completely empty. The brands that they bought could have been found in China, with the same production formula, but Chinese consumers instead chose to buy foreign products.

Name
Interestingly, there is a Japanese brand of CD players that manufactures and assembles their products in China before shipping them back to Japan to have warning labels put on before selling them to the Chinese market. This allows the product to fit the legal definition of “imported product,” giving the company reason to sell it at a high price and have a better name to increase demand – “Made in Japan” as opposed to “Made in China.”

Japanese stationery also faces similar favoritism. People would rather use a “Japanese pen” made in China, costing RMB 10, than a Chinese pen of similar quality for less. While the adults show off their television to their guests, the younger generations show off their stationary.

Locally-made products are equally as safe as their foreign counterparts and their quality can be similar. There is no reason to favor the foreign brand name just for its alleged better quality – they are all made in China by the same group of manufacturers, and at a much cheaper price. Don’t be fooled by brands!

This article originally appeared in the March 2013 issue of UNIT-E. It was written by Russel Ng, a student at Yew Chung International School of Beijing.

About UNIT-E
UNIT-E was founded in the spring of 2010 with the aim of establishing a non-profit, student-run magazine for international students in Beijing. Staffed by current students from a range of international schools, the magazine provides an amalgam of cultural tidbits, fragments of Beijing student life, and a broad spectrum of unique perspectives from a diverse group of young adults.

Photo by Flickr user tossmeanote