Let me guess, you clicked this article because you’re constantly resisting the urge to tear down your self-avowed “woke” peer? No? Then you must be a liberal who gets irritated every time you engage with someone of an older generation about controversial issues, and eventually just ends up avoiding the topic altogether. Either way, I completely understand your struggle.

The first time my mother and I reached an agreement at the dinner table about the socio-political climate of China in the 1940s without virtually burning the house down, I almost couldn’t believe it was real. No, really. I’m not exaggerating.

Let’s face it: When our daily chattering comes to issues of race, sexuality, human rights, justice, and religion – basically anything deemed sensitive and controversial – the conversation invariably turns to complete disaster or a no-go zone.

We often say that we’re open to different opinions and new perspectives, but when push comes to shove, it’s really easier said than done.

So how can we honor insightful and civil conversations about these important issues with someone whose opinion differs from our own, and namely, our elders? The first step is to internalize the goal of the conversation and do away with any mindset we tend to inherently exhibit.

We often think that the goal of any discussion on serious issues is to reach some sort of ultimate solution, however, this is rarely the case. The significance of having civil conversations on these difficult topics lies within the process itself, not in the final conclusion. The whole point is to constantly raise more questions and exchange ideas, thus helping us understand the multiple perspectives of a complicated issue. Therefore, it is crucial that we abandon the mindset of coming to a conclusion because the truth is, if there was already a public consensus, these issues wouldn’t be universally debated in the first place.

Another common mistake we make when talking about controversial topics is that we are naturally inclined to try and convince others of our opinion. Whether or not our belief and view is “correct” or “wrong,” we’re desperate for others to feel the same and get all but irate when they rebel. This, however, should not underpin our conversations. A crucial step to building bridges and connecting the gap between one generation and another is to walk into the discussion with the mindset that your goal isn’t to convince others of your view or belief. Although this is easier said than done, it’s important to remember that just because your view differs from your mother, your child, or a close friend, they will still love you despite your difference in opinion.

Be prepared and open-minded enough to hear and accept insightful points made by the person whose opinions traditionally differ from yours. Let’s admit it: We all hate when someone with an opposing view makes a point that we secretly agree with. But that’s okay.

For better or worse, it’s entirely normal for humans to defend their pride and remain vigilant about not being proven “wrong,” because sometimes it can feel like you’re betraying your own opinion, which can be a humiliating feeling to sit with.

It’s not though. In fact, you’re one step closer to being a more understanding and empathetic person. Think of it this way, the more you tolerate a different opinion, the more you will be able to evaluate an event or issue through a more holistic and unbiased lens, so technically, you’re doing yourself a favor by being more accepting of others.

All that said, it’s still important to remember that differences in opinion are built on some degree of agreement on fundamental concepts. Like US novelist James Baldwin once said, “We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist.”

Conflicts are inevitable, so don’t expect your first civil conversation to be utterly “civil” and serene. Keep practicing! If these social issues genuinely matter to you, you will eventually find a way to speak diplomatically about your views without wanting to burn a house down, much like my mother and I managed to achieve.

KEEP READING: Talking to Children About Discrimination

Images: Unsplash

Whenever I return to Shandong (Zibo) with the kids to see their Chinese relatives, I have to pick up my train ticket in person before I can board the train returning us safely to Beijing. As I carry a passport and not a shenfenzheng 身份证 （Chinese ID card), I must pick the return ticket up in person rather than from the automated machines. I am used to this. The line-ups are often long but we factor in the time necessary and eventually I make it up to the window and collect my ticket. On this particular occasion, I fully appreciated the design of the turnstiles—something I’ve appreciated for years—and wanted to share.

Years ago, in 2007, when I first came to China on vacation (not yet to live), I was travelling alone to Shanghai and Suzhou during the October holidays. The line-ups to the train ticket windows were so dense, it was difficult to see the shape, let alone the progression of the queue. When I finally got to the window, I required elbows of steel to stop people from pushing themselves forward and in front of me to wave identity cards and money at the tellers in a completely uncivilized and impolite manner. It was a frenzy, to say the least. I can’t imagine how the tellers felt. (Besides relieved to be protected by glass!)

Looking at the design of these turnstiles, I am amused by this memory of my 2007 travels. Clearly, someone had to think of a way to force people in China to identity a queue and then take their turn.

These spinning circles provide one “pie-shaped” space for the person being served and another “slice” of space to the person who comes next, happily separating them in a diagonal distance that disallows the person behind the opportunity to lean forward and jump the queue.

When the person being served is finished, he or she then spins the turnstile to get out, which directly allows the person next in line to be “spun” and then “spit out” at the window. The design is brilliant. And Shandong, Zibo’s train station is very civilized and orderly. No need for elbows of steel. The turnstiles and their steely elbows have done the job for us.

Only in China!

Photos: Charlie fong (Wikipedia) and courtesy of Ember Swift