We hear over and over again how important communication is. We work through differing communication styles with partners, friends, and colleagues but communicating with children baffles most adults.

That’s because families are evolving organisms. Kids move rapidly through developmental stages and need something different from their parents at each step in the process. And each parent has a communication style that may or may not be easily adapted to the developmental stage their child is in.

I know parents who loved communicating with their toddlers but the ice wall of the teen years seems impossible to scale. The reverse is true too. I know plenty of adults who have no clue how to converse with a 2-year-old but can happily talk about sports, politics, or world news for hours with their 12-year-old.

So, what do your kids need from you at each stage and how do you communicate to them during that period? Hint, it’s rarely about what you say.

Infants and Babies (yes, they communicate!)

Parents as deity: You are their conduit to the world. They just spent nine months in a small, dark, quiet space so this big, bright, loud world is overwhelming and they need you to be their guide.

By far baby’s strongest senses are physical touch and smell. Lots of holding, rocking, etc. tells them that you are here and they are safe. In addition, quiet singing and gentle speaking on any topic are great while you cuddle your little bundle. They don’t understand what you are talking about but tone and cadence can help stimulate their developing brain.

Baby massage and good eye contact can help stimulate growth and foster a sense of well-being. It will also give you a chance to watch for baby’s responses, learning what they do and do not like, which is a form of communication. The Mayo Clinic has an excellent “how-to” on baby massage on its website.

Toddlers

Parents as magicians: In this phase, you are an all-powerful wizard capable of making things happen or disappear. You are the mystical keeper of the Cheerios, the powerful wielder of the remote control, the master of bath time fun, and the most beautiful person they have ever seen. They are more than a little in aw of you and when not having a total meltdown (more on that here: The Taming of the Twos) they are a joy to be around. As long as you know how to read their cues.

Everything is a wonder to a 3-year-old and they want to share all of it with you. All you need to do is engage in what they are engaging in. If they are happily building a block tower, sit on the floor and help them. They hand you the play phone? Put it to your ear and say “hello!” They are excitedly pointing at a car? Say “yes, I see the big red car! It’s amazing. What other colors do you see?” At this age your child wants to communicate with you and they do that primarily through play.

Elementary Age Kids

Parents as Superman/Wonder Woman: You are strong, you are capable and you have all the answers.

And that’s good because they have a lot of questions. Most elementary-age kids want your time and attention and have the verbal skills to communicate. Generally, their favorite sentences start with “Why?” And while its constant use can make you crazy sometimes that word is a gift to a parent!  Because the answer should be, “let’s find out!” Rather than simply telling them the answer and shooing them away so you can finish your very important grown-up work, invite them to investigate with you. Sit them on your lap, get online and do some research together. Even better, if you have the time set up a simple experiment. I have a very fond memory of my dad helping me dissect the pop-up turkey thermometer one Thanksgiving because I wanted to know how it knew the bird was done cooking.

The other thing to think about is introducing them to things you love. Broaden their horizons by selecting great music for the car trip, “Midnight Train to Georgia” and “Dancing in the Moonlight” will always make me think of Sunday afternoons dancing with my parents and siblings in the living room. They want to be like you so teach them something you love to do. Cooking, knitting, bargain hunting, sports. They think you are awesome. So pick an activity you love and use it as an opportunity to build a foundation for the years to come.

Tweens

Parents as Spider-Man: You need to be constantly hanging around but able to swing in and out of the situation as needed.

I used to volunteer with fifth graders in Virginia and I would joke they walked in as sweet kids in September and slowly transformed into hormonal moody teens by June. But it’s a pretty special developmental opportunity. The tween years are about inspiration and choosing a focus. Kids at this age want to be independent but still have a desire to be useful, helpful, and often exhibit an altruistic streak. In short, they want to make a difference in their communities, to have an effect.

But how to do that? When they are younger you drive their interests but now they need to take control. You are still in the car and navigating but they need to pick the destination. Start with open-ended questions. What was your favorite part of that movie? What do you like/hate about school? What’s your favorite food?

Whatever the answer, even if it’s only one word, find a way to affirm their opinion and ask follow-up questions. Themes will start to emerge. They love games of strategy or think a certain filmmaker is really cool, they care a lot about the environment. You might be surprised by their interests and it will give you an opening to learn more about who they are becoming and the friends they are making. Then show an interest in those things and suggest activities they might like. “You told me that director X is really cool, there is a movie by him/her on Netflix, will you watch it with me?”

You should also consider getting them involved in long-term clubs or groups for the things they show interest in. If you as a parent can help them discover what they love you will be helping to set them up with a positive peer community and a safe place to get support for the oh so important and tumultuous teen years ahead.

Teens

Parents as Batman: You’re the hero they deserve, not the hero they need.

Much like the Dark Knight, your job is to lurk in the shadows and observe. You will be able to do almost nothing right and they will often hate you. It sucks, I’m sorry. But your teenager is biologically primed to reject you right now. Nature is preparing them to leave your nest and create their own. They are seeking a community and identity outside of their current family structure. That doesn’t mean they don’t need you and it doesn’t mean you stop communicating.

No matter how hard they push you away keep showing up. Attend every football match, go to every concert, don’t miss a debate meet. Even if they roll their eyes in front of their friends, they need to know you are there and supportive. So wave from the stands and tell them you are proud of them after the final curtain, then send them off to get pizza with the team.

Use the other adults in their life. As difficult as it can be to watch your child confide in someone else this is normal. The coach who listens, the choir director who cares, the cool godparent they relate to, these proxy adults are an important tool for you as a parent. Teens still need adult guidance but it can feel like failing if they run to mommy and daddy, or they might be worried about disappointing you. A slightly removed but trusted adult can give them a safe outlet, provide them with good advice and they can be a direct line back to you if something dangerous or truly difficult needs intervention.

Watch for your teen’s cues. Remember that hobby from the elementary school years? If they suddenly sit down with you and start knitting or ask to bake cookies together, they might be signaling that they need to talk to you but don’t know how to broach a subject. Don’t rush in guns blazing, ask those open-ended questions as you work on the requested activity. Let them know you are listening but not pushing.

Last but not least, let them start taking a leadership role in the family. Give them a reasonable say in planning family outings or vacations, ask them to help you write new family rules around tech or meal planning. If they feel invested in the family in a new way you might get better participation and communication from them during those events.

In short, be there and offer opportunities, but don’t demand. Because the next phase is pretty cool.

Young Adults

Parents as Friends: At this point, you can start being a “real person” to your kids. As they have experiences beyond the family unit they start to realize, “Hey, my parents knew what they were talking about.” They suddenly see that they get their sense of humor from you and their work ethic from your partner. They no longer need you, so now they get to choose you. But that can only happen if you lay the foundation in childhood for open communication as an adult.

Every family and every child is different. We want to offer as many perspectives as possible. If you have an experience or parenting hack that can help someone else, please share it in the comments!

KEEP READING: Can You Discipline Someone Else’s Child?

Images: Canva

In this column, Bizkids, we will feature interviews with successful entrepreneurs and various professionals and share their advice to aspiring kids with entrepreneurial spirits. To send in your questions or advice, email cindy-jenkins@beijing-kids.com.

Schools are increasingly placing greater importance on improving the public speaking skills of their students, and parents are also taking note of just how critical of a skill it can be in developing the social and academic growth of their children. With that in mind, Bizkids interviewed three experts in the field of public speaking to share their ideas and opinions about the importance of public speaking for children, and what it takes to become a more effective public speaker.

This week, we have invited Tania Boicova to share her ideas. Tania Boicova is an educator focused on helping young learners (age 4-12) to develop leadership skills by using drama and public speaking. She’s been working with thousands of students across Beijing and has more than eight years of experience in teaching, facilitating, and consulting. Being a part of the largest European student union (AEGEE-Europe), she has worked with diverse youth groups back in Europe, and this led her to continue her work in China in 2012 when she joined a UNESCO World Heritage Volunteers project in Beijing, Shandong, and Jiangxi organized by the Chinese Society of Education (CSE). She has represented CSE at an international conference on volunteering & intercultural dialogue in Saudi Arabia in 2013.

Beijingkids (BJK): What would you say are the most critical elements that someone should learn to become more skilled in this area?
Tania Boicova (TB): I believe that’s regular practice speaking in front of an audience. In fact, especially at the beginning, it doesn’t really matter where and when, and how many people you are presenting to. I remember myself as a kid performing my favorite poem anywhere I went, even at bus stops, on the train, and while visiting my family or friends. I often took part in public speaking contests at school. Despite the fear (that was there every single time), my skills got better and better through time.

BJK: Do you believe that there is a growing tendency (among adults and kids) to communicate through social media or other digital platforms and that this has damaged our ability to communicate publicly?
TB: I believe social media has a huge impact on kids. There was no social media or even mobile phones when I was a child, so we had no choice but to communicate with each other face to face. Therefore, we grew up and developed our ability to communicate publicly quite naturally. Most kids now have their own mobile phone, and they often spend hours playing games or talking through social media. It definitely has an impact on their interpersonal communication skills since they can’t hide their true appearance and identity behind a “profile photo” and nickname.

BJK: What are some simple things parents can do to help their kids build foundational skills in public speaking outside of school?
TB: There are many things parents can actually do. They can help them practice public speaking at home or anywhere they go together. It can be done by way of a game or competition among family friends (just for fun). I remember that we used to act out different stories or just different characters during my mom’s or dad’s birthday parties. They actually asked me to do all the preparation, but we would act and do the drama part altogether. That was so much fun! When you’re a child and see adults performing “silly things” or making mistakes, you get so much more courage to do things better! What’s more important, you get more courage to be “yourself”, be silly, be crazy, be different, no matter what others think of you. I think this is one of the most important things parents can actually share and help their kids with.

BJK: Finally, what do you feel are the most essential elements towards crafting a good speech and communicating clearly to an audience?
TB: In my opinion, one of the most important elements is to have a clear idea. What do you want to share with the audience? What’s the core message? When it’s clear, it’s not difficult to write down a good speech. When you share an idea that people can relate themselves to (in a very meaningful aspect), you’ll be able to win their hearts. Another very important element is THE WAY you present your speech. How do you transfer that meaningful idea to your audience? Our voice can be very powerful, but so is silence: the pauses in the right places that let your audience think and connect with your words and FEELINGS (emotions). I believe that the most memorable speeches in history were all quite emotional: the ones that can touch people deeply and have an impact on their lives.

KEEP READING: BIBA Students Navigate Resilience and Independence Through Duke of Edinburgh Awards Program

Photo: courtesy of Tania Boicova, unsplash.com

In this column, Bizkids, we will feature interviews with successful entrepreneurs and various professionals and share their advice to aspiring kids with entrepreneurial spirits. To send in your questions or advice, email cindyjenkins@beijing-kids.com.

Public speaking is an invaluable skill that can be applied to a multitude of fields ranging from academia, business, and the arts, to everyday life. Therefore, improving one’s public speaking skills should not be put off until a later age, and should be emphasized as early as possible. With that in mind, beijingkids interviewed three experts in the field of public speaking to share their ideas and opinions about the importance of public speaking for children, and what it takes to become a more effective public speaker.

This week, we have asked Martin Barnes to share his ideas. Martin Barnes is a London-trained graphic designer with 18 years of creative experience in advertising, graphic design, branding, events, pitching, and presentations: four years in London and 14 years in Beijing. In 2010 he was invited to give a TEDx Beijing talk. He now runs a creative studio, Mountains of Imagination (MoI), which specializes in presentation consultancy.

beijingkids: What would you say are the most critical first steps that someone should take to become more skilled in this area?
Martin Barnes (MB):  Have fun. The results are so much better, as your audience will enjoy your performance, and you will make an excellent impression. Then, tell a story that relates to people, and let the people you are talking to see themselves in the solution so they can receive a really clear insight. Remember to prepare and warm-up. This is massively underrated; the best way to do this is with breathing and stretching.

Do you believe that there is a growing tendency (among adults and kids) to communicate through social media or other digital platforms, and that this has damaged our ability to communicate publicly?
MB: In some sense we communicate more now than ever — writing messages, sending photos like postcards, and it is emotional. The exciting thing with public speaking is it is an evergreen skill, it will always be essential to generate awareness. Social media is a channel of engagement and communication that we are using now; it will change, but our desire to communicate will keep as it is.

What are some simple things parents can be doing to help their kids build foundational skills in public speaking outside of school?
MB: Ask them fun, interesting questions and ask them to explain why they made their choice. Let them know it is not a right or wrong answer question, but about sharing ideas. It is not about facts but storytelling and connecting.

What do you feel are the most essential elements of crafting a good speech and communicating clearly to an audience?
MB: The best thing you can do to improve your presentation skills is to spend five minutes and really think about your audience and ask these six questions: What story do you want them to tell about you afterward? What key insight do you want them to connect with? How long are you presenting for? How will they describe you to other people? What insight will swim around their head for a week? How long is the presentation? Don’t over pitch. Moreover, pitch yourself to your phone, and listen back to your performance and think about one thing you want to improve.

Photos: courtesy of Martin Barnes

Becoming a confident and adept public speaker is something that many people strive for, but often do not know the first step towards reaching their goal. With that in mind, beijingkids interviewed experts in the field of public speaking, to explore their ideas and opinions about the importance of confident speaking for young people, and some practical steps to take towards acquiring these skills.

This week, we invited Mark Regan to share his ideas. Mark Regan is a dynamic and high-performing business leader with a unique background in advice, business development, sales consulting, training, and broadcasting. With a background in Linguistics and having worked in fields that extensively rely on the need for strong communication abilities, he has developed valuable experience in the skill sets needed for public speaking, negotiation, media presentation, and promotion. Less well known is that Mark is a prominent voice actor; having applied his skills over the last 10 years in a wide range of international commercials, television programs, cartoons, movies, documentaries, and video games.

Beijingkids: What would you say are the most critical elements (or first steps) that someone should learn to become more skilled in this area?

Mark Regan (MR): One critical element to public speaking is confidence. Take in a deep breath, relax, and be yourself when you’re presenting any type of material, in a calm and confident manner; this allows a person to stop focusing on the ‘fear’ of standing in front of an audience, but instead to focus on what they want to say, how they want to say it, and really start to engage an audience.

Confidence takes time to develop, especially when starting out. For people who feel they may lack the confidence to stand up on the stage and present, the advice I offer is simply “pretend you have confidence!”  It sounds a bit silly, but the idea is that you imagine what a confident person would look and sound like, and attempt to emulate that image. Surprisingly, it works very well – and over time, that person can develop their own speaking personality for their public speaking needs.

Many schools are beginning to shift their classroom learning environment from being teacher-led to more student-led, with teachers acting as facilitators. Is this shift helping students to become more confident speakers?

MR: From my perspective and understanding; absolutely!  A teacher-led classroom certainly does have its merits, but more often than not, it’s about following a curriculum designed to prepare students for test-taking.  Some students may engage with the material more than others, while others can simply ‘memorize’ what they need to know and leave it at that.

Transitioning into a more student-led classroom gives both students and the teachers room to expand beyond the curriculum, which in my opinion, is more of a guideline of what important aspects of the class the students should learn about. However, in the student-led model, my view is that the teachers are actively getting the students to engage, expand upon the material, bring new interesting perspectives to the table, and have the opportunity to spin off new classroom and life lessons that, while difficult to strictly measure, build an environment that cultivates personal growth on top of the learning material.

To answer the question: if students are in an environment where they are expected to engage, lead, and perform critical thinking tasks – they naturally will need to speak up more! This helps build confidence in speakers, which is a life skill necessary to tackle most aspects of our daily life and builds a solid foundation for a strong future.  We remember confident speakers, and we tend to forget those who say nothing…

What are some simple things parents can be doing to help their kids build foundational skills in public speaking outside of school?

MR: Encouragement is the single most important thing a parent can do to help their kids build their foundational skills. When we encourage our children, we are telling them it’s OK to explore, it’s OK to try new things, it’s OK to speak up, and it’s OK to be yourself!

The environment we put ourselves within also tends to dictate our responses to the situations we come across. If someone’s daughter has an amazing talent for singing, it’s likely best that we’ll want to put her in an environment that allows that talent to thrive.  If someone’s son is interested in drawing, we should encourage that behavior, because it’s a talent that has drawn (no pun intended) their interest.

Obviously, school and study are important – however, there is much more that makes up a person beyond their technical knowledge and talents. One overlooked aspect is the importance of “soft skills” which are about applying knowledge of various kinds into situations that are more open-ended, such as confidence, inspiration, trustworthiness, effective body language, persuasion, and more. These are character-driven building blocks; which all start with encouragement.

Listen to your kids – they have ideas, thoughts, dreams, and aspirations; and find ways to encourage them to pursue them! Challenge them to think critically about the thoughts they share and above all, help them to believe in themselves – that level of support is of the utmost importance as they are growing up, and will carry them further in school, skill, and life than any amount of homework ever could.

Finally, what do you feel are the most essential elements towards crafting a good speech and communicating clearly to an audience?

MR: Great speeches actively engage their audience; which can be accomplished through a couple of ways and does depend on the ‘mode’ or context of the speech that is being presented. Having a couple of witty jokes or interesting ‘attention-grabbers’ is one way to start off strongly in any presentation, as it will captivate your audience to ‘zero-in’ on what you are saying. Rhetorical questions are another tool often used to put the audience in a position of reflection – to consider what you are saying and why it is important.

When we are communicating to any audience, the first questions we ask ourselves are “what do I want to say” and “why is this important”. Once we can break down those thoughts into answers, our job is to craft the delivery of the information in a manner that any audience would like to listen to. We can do this in several different ways – no single style of public speaking is “correct”, but rather it’s about the “HOW” we say something, and usually that’s what an audience will remember most.

A comedy show must have laughs; a diplomatic discussion needs to be civil; a debate between two opponents should have critical thinking, persuasion, and reflection; a leader should be inspirational…each format will be different, but the same foundational abilities apply throughout every type of speech.

Find your personality, your strength, your style, and character. Be confident, speak clearly, show some emotion, and engage the audience. Remember that what you want to say is important, should be shared, and can make a difference – and to not let all the fear, doubts, and worries hold you back.

Is there anything else you would like to add?

MR: Public speaking is easy to do, difficult to master. It’s one of those life skills that we’ll continually use and practice using throughout our entire lives, whether it’s on a big stage or just speaking up in an office meeting.

For those who are worried about what other people may think, my advice is simply “don’t”. Most people are so concerned with their own lives that they’ll seldom think about your actions. Once you realize this, it’s easier to just focus on being the best version of yourself you can be – and in the environment of public speaking, showcase that confidence and personality to your audience.

In fact, you may just end up inspiring others to follow in your footsteps!  When we share our ideas, thoughts, and self with an audience, remember they are all there to see and hear you speak… so give them something to remember!

KEEP READING: Managing the Stress of School WeChat Groups

Photo: courtesy of Mark Regan; Unsplash.com

Remember VoIP? How about international landline calling cards? Telegrams? Carrier pigeons? How about smoke signals?

Ok, I jest with those last ones, but before FaceTime, WeChat calls, WhatsApp, and Zoom, those were our best options when it came to communicating over long distances. While our recent forced transition to a totally online world thanks to COVID-19 has not been totally smooth, it’s easy to forget just how hard it was to have a simple chat with the family back home in the past.

Ready to jump in the time machine? Ten years ago this month, we were blogging about how to call home without breaking the bank. Back then, “Typical landline rates to the USA/UK on Beijing Telecom are RMB 8 per minute. From the USA to China, rates average USD 0.15 a minute.”

“It says here we should get milk on the way home”

Skype, which is widely regarded as the first large company to commercialize Voice-over-Internet-Procol technology, did exist and by 2010 had over 660 million worldwide users, but here in China at least, we were still dealing with the inconvenient “echo effect” which made using the service a pain. And iPhone FaceTime was still in the future: it wouldn’t be released in the US until a month after the article was published, in June of 2010.

So what was a keen conversationalist to do? Our writer recommended a couple of other VoIP options, explaining the system “which uses the internet and assigns you a USA based telephone number.” VoIP had only taken off in a big way in around 2007 in most parts of Asia and was still a bit of an unknown entity to most casual users. In the blog, we discussed the merits of two different services, Vonage and Ooma which “both have land-line quality connection” (if you remember what that is). So far so good, but stacking at USD 25.99 per month subscription for the first, and a flat USD 249.99 fee for the second, these were pretty expensive investments back then. Oh, and the systems also were required to be purchased and shipped from the US, needed a replacement 220v charger, and didn’t work over WiFi.

The technology may have come a long way, but one thing still rings true: privacy concerns are real. While discussing different VoIP options, we also threw in a warning about one service which actually still exists, called MagicJack. Although relatively cheap back then (one-time fee of USD 39.99) it required users to allow the company to “analyze their calls” and then peppered users with targetted ads. Some things never change: if you’re not paying, you’re the product.

You can read the entire original blog here.

KEEP READING: Maintaining Long-Distance Friendships From China: Some Practical Tips

Images: Wikimedia Commons

Maintaining a healthy friendship at the best of times requires some work and commitment, and when one of you moves far away, things can get more than a little tricky. I should know, having first left my homeland of Australia in 2011, and my second home of France one year ago. I am now lucky enough to have a rich crop of friendships in multiple different time zones, all of which I’m doing my red-hot best to nurture.

I definitely didn’t always get it right – when I first moved overseas I was young, hungry for adventure, and had terrible WI-FI. I went AWOL for months at a time and missed many important dates and moments in my friend’s lives. I’m still not the kind of person who enjoys non-stop messaging and long phone calls but over the years I have picked up a few tips about how to maintain friendships abroad, and specifically, from China.

I hope that some of them may be of use to you.

Manage Expectations

As soon as you can, warn your friends that you may not be able to maintain the same frequency or style of contact as you did before, especially if you think that you’re likely to go “off the radar” for a while. Saying things like “I care a lot about you and value your friendship, even if you don’t hear from me as much as you used to” can go a long way to easing the transition and preventing friends from feeling abandoned.

If you have friends who have never lived abroad or even in another town, it may literally not have occurred to them that staying in touch can be hard. Talking to them through challenges like time differences and technological barriers could make a world of difference.

If despite all your efforts, a friend is feeling hurt by your lack of contact, remind them that you’re not pulling away from the relationship, but towards your new life (i.e. “It’s not all about you”). Afterward, they are more likely to understand – friends should want the best for one another, after all.

“So, how’s your relationship?”

Don’t force a square peg into a round hole

When you move overseas or far away, you’re basically forced to conduct your entire friendship in the digital realm. Plenty of advice articles will tell you to download a Skype account, get everybody’s email address, and schedule regular calls, but while this might work fine for friendships that already included long conversations or text messages, it won’t work for them all.

Your old teammates, hiking buddies, or knitting circle partners may find it hard to adjust to a new verbose style. Don’t take it too hard if they don’t pick up when you call nor respond to your long emails in a timely fashion. It’s not your friendship that’s awkward, it’s your medium.

Expect the unexpected

Speaking of technology… even with VPNs, making stable long-distance calls from China can be an absolute pain. Lucky iPhone users are able to FaceTime one another for free, but the rest of us need to accept that long chats may not always be possible (especially if there are big government events coming up). Unsurprisingly, WeChat is the most stable and reliable app for making calls, so consider asking friends to make an account so that you’ve always got a good backup.

If, however, you’re calling someone who’s unlikely to be WeChat equipped, there are some quick ways to make cheap international calls from your Chinese network provider (if the phone number starts with a :

• China Unicom: 10193 + 00 + country code + phone number*
• China Mobile: 17951 + 00 + country code + phone number*

*When calling a foreign landline, if there is 0 before the area code, do not dial 0; if there is no area code, dial “00 + country code + phone number”

Avoid the dreaded “so how’s life?” 

Remember when you talked to your friends one month after moving to Beijing, and they asked you “so how’s China?”. Um… big? Questions so-open-ended-they’re-basically-a-tunnel are easy to ask but hard to answer. Don’t inflict them on your friends back home. If it’s been a while since you were last in contact, pause before you reach out and try to think of a few specific, pointed questions you can ask. “What are you reading right now?”, “Have you found a good lunch spot in your new neighborhood?”, “Is the baby eating gravel yet?”. They’re far more likely to respond, and build the momentum to fill you in on the rest of the ‘life’ stuff.

Get meme-ing

My oldest friend and I can go months without a proper conversation. We’ve lived in separate countries for almost a decade, and while I have pretty regular office hours, she is an outdoor adventure guide, and away for weeks at a time. We stay connected and in each other’s hearts by sending ridiculous memes and images back and forth. Fart jokes are the fuel to our friendship fire. Whether it’s sending memes on Instagram, sharing articles from Popular Psychology or movie reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, there is a myriad of ways to easily ‘nudge’ your friends and remind them of your shared interests and history, no matter how busy you both are.

Bait the lurkers

If you are struggling to get news from that quiet friend in a group chat who reads messages but never responds, snap a selfie, post it in the group, and tell everybody to reply with a selfie right now! Or take a picture of their lunch, or their view, or their shoes, or whatever. This strategy is also very useful for connecting with somebody who is going through a hard time, but not ready to talk about it, as it’s non-judgemental and doesn’t require any soul-searching.

Send Voice Messages

Yeah, yeah, we know, VM’s are the worst. But there is something really lovely about hearing the voice of a good friend instead of the usual block of text. You can fit much more feeling, warmth, and, well, information into a 10-second voice message than you may realize, and it literally takes 10 seconds.

Accept that friendships change

Friendships come in all shapes and sizes, and they change over time too. If despite all your efforts, you find yourself drifting away from a friend, don’t sweat it too much. It’s natural for long-term friendships to go through seasons and you may come very close together again in the future.

And finally… buy a friendship necklace. 

It can’t hurt.

READ: Is This What It Feels Like to Finally Be an Expat?

More stories by this author here.
Email: annahartley@thebeijinger.com
Twitter: @its_annahartley
Instagram: @its_annahartley

Images: Unsplash, Serge Kutuzov, Instagram (@pms), Amazon

Having a newborn in the house quickly reminds you of how time waits for no man (or woman). The once tiny little person you handled like fine China in fear that they might break soon grows robust and develops a constantly-altering personality with their own unique quirks. I realized that the little baby I cooed over would sooner rather than later be walking and running around, trailblazing through stores, handling and placing items in his mouth that don’t belong there, and to be quite frank – running circles around mommy.

With a brother who is now at the toddler phase with his first child, I’ve begun to ponder over what life is going to look like in a few short years and how I can best prepare myself to handle life with a toddler. I’ve been inspired by the following tips that I hope will equip us parents to make a fresh start at communication with our toddlers, using encouraging and positive phrases to improve toddler listening.

#1 “Please talk softly”

Let’s help our toddlers to differentiate between what should be their “inside voice” and “outside voice” by showing them the difference between being loud and being soft. Offer them a whisper to demonstrate the act of talking softly, rather than telling your toddler to stop yelling or to be quiet. Combine your whisper with good eye contact and a gentle approach.

#2 “Please __________.”

Rather than resort to old negative forms of communication by telling a toddler “no” or to stop what they want to continue to do, parents can set an example by asking for what you would like your toddler to do. For example, “Please put your toys away,” or “Please finish your food”.

#3 “Thank you for listening to me”

A toddler is more likely to improve their listening skills if they are praised when they show a good example of listening to mommy and daddy. It’s our job to provide positive affirmation and reassurance for the little human(s) we are raising by conveying that they have done a good job whenever they listen to us. This will encourage our kids to display the desired behaviors we seek in the future.

#4 “Do you want to leave now or in five minutes?”

This one will serve you well when dealing with a toddler who is taking longer than you would like to leave a location such as a play date in the park or a friend’s home. By allowing your toddler to have a choice in daily decision-making you are giving them a sense of autonomy over their own situation, which will in turn help them to respond better to requests.

#5 Daily affirmations of your choice

This is a favorite of mine and an idea that I looked into pre-parenthood. Positive affirmations are a brilliant source of encouragement and self-fulfilling prophesy no matter what age your child. I fundamentally believe in the power of words, and words are what can build our little ones up and help shape the people they become. Words can powerfully manifest into strongholds that take root in one’s life and are hard to break down, so it’s important to make sure these strongholds are positive ones. Do you want your child to be kind, compassionate, determined, hardworking? You speak these qualities into fruition until your child can achieve them. Instill the values you know will bring your little one emotional and physical well-being in the future. When you see your toddler display the behaviors you want to encourage, validate them; “You are a hard worker!” “You are a kind person,” “You are so loving” – and while you’re at it, speak similar things into being for yourself.

#6 “It’s OK to cry”

Don’t emotionally stunt your little boy or girl by using phrases like “big girls/boys don’t cry”. This communicates to them that they should hide their emotions because its not expected of ‘big boys/girls’. Toddlers often get frustrated or sad when trying to complete tasks or after losing a favorite toy. Offer your help to find a solution, to promote effective problem-solving skills from an early age and reassure them that’s it’s OK to cry, in fact it’s an effective way of releasing bad emotion or frustrations. Give them time and console your toddler until they calm down. Crying is not a sign of weakness and should not be stigmatized at such a tender age.

Photo: Pixabay

“I can’t believe how manipulative you are! You tried to fool me, but I know exactly what your plan was!”

“What just happened? Why are you making up stories again? You always accuse me of having secret plans and hiding my true intention from you, why do you keep making up stories?!”

This was probably the gist of one of the recent fights between me and my husband. Not only that, it is actually the way many of our fights have gone in the past. He accuses me of having had a certain thought process, I never had, and I just stand there completely clueless and enraged that I’m being wrongfully made out to be some horrible, scheming witch. When what’s really happened, even after five years of being a couple, is we still fall prey to the occasional cultural misunderstanding.

This time it all started with a pair of shoes.

Here are the facts – as far as you can call them that. He was starting to pack to take some items back to his hometown. We are not sure when he will be back next. A friend of ours is coming to stay with us for a while and so she will need space in the wardrobe of our second bedroom, a.k.a. my wardrobe. So, I was keen for him to take as many clothes as possible from his wardrobe, so I could in turn make space for her. He had other plans in mind and quickly started dumping a large number of books he wouldn’t need in his suitcase. He did take one or two items of clothing after my repeated nagging, but the wardrobe space was still completely full with items he hadn’t worn or used in months. This made me a little irritated.

A few hours later I am sitting on the sofa and see him picking up a pair of shoes out of the corner of my eye, and the big suitcase standing right next to him. I have already forgotten the suitcase is full and, after I realize that the shoe cabinet is also packed and our friend will have nowhere to put her shoes, I say in a spur of the moment: “Oh, yes take some of the shoes.”

He replies: “No, there’s no need.”

To which I let out a cranky “hrmpf” and screw up my face, after my suggestion has been shot down yet again, worried about where our friend will leave her shoes. After all, he won’t be here most of the time anyway.

Suddenly my husband explodes, which brings us to the beginning of the story; his outrage at my alleged grand plan of manipulation and my outrage at being, in my opinion, falsely accused.

Decoding the Message

So, what actually happened? Well, a lot of shouting and half an hour of discussion later it emerged that once again, we both had made the mistake of forgetting who our partner is. He took my suggestion to take shoes to mean that I wanted to express my love and care for him, in the way Chinese people often do, e.g. by saying things such as “Wear more clothes”, “Eat more”, “Drink more hot water”. When he noticed that my actual intention was for him to make room for our friend, his emotional state went quickly from feeling touched to feeling disappointed (and probably a little unloved). However, to make matters worse, he was sure that I was aware that the way I phrased the sentence seemed like I was expressing care, and that I purposefully failed to mention the reason for the statement being the friend’s impending visit. He thought I wrapped up my real intention – make room for friend – in a fake expression of care and concern for him. He then felt utterly betrayed when he realized that this was not the case, made worse by my grumpy reaction, which he took to mean frustration that my cunning plan had failed.

High Context Meets Low Context

On this occasion, I finally managed to get through to him that I would never consider telling someone to “take shoes” as an expression of love. However, in many of our previous altercations, both of us have struggled to get to the bottom of these arguments brought on by the fact that he is from a high context culture, whereas I am from a low context culture. That means I say what I mean, A means A, B means B, without too much deeper thought. Whereas my husband grew up in an environment where being direct is considered inappropriate and one’s true feelings, motives and desires are almost never expressed directly. So rather than asking someone straight on if they can do something for you, you might do something for them first. To show your love and concern, actions speak louder than words, and words of affection are masked in some cases as simple requests such as “Don’t get sick”, which in some cases people with Western backgrounds might find patronizing or just strange.

Communication is the Key

As a result, my husband will look for the “true meaning” behind my words, reading behind the lines at a pro level so to speak. The problem is that there really aren’t any lines to be read in most cases and so he ends up interpreting my actions in what to me seems like the most fantastical ways.

The only way to solve this is communication. In a cross-cultural relationship, more than ever, the key is talking and explaining your thought processes and feelings. This is really where the challenge begins. Both of you are coming from a place where you are certain that your partner sees the world the exact same way as you, and you will have to open your mind to the idea that your assumptions of how the world works aren’t necessarily your partners. You will have to have that conversation about whether “take your shoes” means just that, or instead a host of other things, again and again. If you do, you might just end up with a breakthrough, even after five, ten, or 20 years.

Featured photo by Harry Dietz via Freeimages.com. Other photo by Niels Boegh via Freeimages.com