Let me guess, you clicked this article because you’re constantly resisting the urge to tear down your self-avowed “woke” peer? No? Then you must be a liberal who gets irritated every time you engage with someone of an older generation about controversial issues, and eventually just ends up avoiding the topic altogether. Either way, I completely understand your struggle.

The first time my mother and I reached an agreement at the dinner table about the socio-political climate of China in the 1940s without virtually burning the house down, I almost couldn’t believe it was real. No, really. I’m not exaggerating.

Let’s face it: When our daily chattering comes to issues of race, sexuality, human rights, justice, and religion – basically anything deemed sensitive and controversial – the conversation invariably turns to complete disaster or a no-go zone.

We often say that we’re open to different opinions and new perspectives, but when push comes to shove, it’s really easier said than done.

So how can we honor insightful and civil conversations about these important issues with someone whose opinion differs from our own, and namely, our elders? The first step is to internalize the goal of the conversation and do away with any mindset we tend to inherently exhibit.

We often think that the goal of any discussion on serious issues is to reach some sort of ultimate solution, however, this is rarely the case. The significance of having civil conversations on these difficult topics lies within the process itself, not in the final conclusion. The whole point is to constantly raise more questions and exchange ideas, thus helping us understand the multiple perspectives of a complicated issue. Therefore, it is crucial that we abandon the mindset of coming to a conclusion because the truth is, if there was already a public consensus, these issues wouldn’t be universally debated in the first place.

Another common mistake we make when talking about controversial topics is that we are naturally inclined to try and convince others of our opinion. Whether or not our belief and view is “correct” or “wrong,” we’re desperate for others to feel the same and get all but irate when they rebel. This, however, should not underpin our conversations. A crucial step to building bridges and connecting the gap between one generation and another is to walk into the discussion with the mindset that your goal isn’t to convince others of your view or belief. Although this is easier said than done, it’s important to remember that just because your view differs from your mother, your child, or a close friend, they will still love you despite your difference in opinion.

Be prepared and open-minded enough to hear and accept insightful points made by the person whose opinions traditionally differ from yours. Let’s admit it: We all hate when someone with an opposing view makes a point that we secretly agree with. But that’s okay.

For better or worse, it’s entirely normal for humans to defend their pride and remain vigilant about not being proven “wrong,” because sometimes it can feel like you’re betraying your own opinion, which can be a humiliating feeling to sit with.

It’s not though. In fact, you’re one step closer to being a more understanding and empathetic person. Think of it this way, the more you tolerate a different opinion, the more you will be able to evaluate an event or issue through a more holistic and unbiased lens, so technically, you’re doing yourself a favor by being more accepting of others.

All that said, it’s still important to remember that differences in opinion are built on some degree of agreement on fundamental concepts. Like US novelist James Baldwin once said, “We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist.”

Conflicts are inevitable, so don’t expect your first civil conversation to be utterly “civil” and serene. Keep practicing! If these social issues genuinely matter to you, you will eventually find a way to speak diplomatically about your views without wanting to burn a house down, much like my mother and I managed to achieve.

KEEP READING: Talking to Children About Discrimination

Images: Unsplash

“Búkèqì (不客气)” and “búyǒngxiè (不用谢)” may already be ingrained in most people’s vocabulary but have you ever encountered a response completely different?

The other day, my friend said thank you to her cousin from Dongbei and her cousin replied with “Why are you thanking me? Don’t be polite.” As shocking as a response this might be, this is actually the typical response you might hear from a native for ever saying thank you, whether it’s a lifelong friend or even a stranger on the street. One of the standard Chinese reply to thank you “xièxiè (谢谢)” is “búkèqì (不客气)”, which literally translates to “don’t be so formal/polite”. In traditional Chinese culture, gratitude between familiar family members or friends is typically implied in actions, such as exchanging gifts, sharing a meal, and paying for a ticket, rather than exchanging words.

To help prepare you for all the different types of responses you may hear, here are the many different ways to say both “thank you” and “you’re welcome” in Chinese. Please notice that in some cases you’d say “nin hao” to someone older than yourself to show respect.

Ways to say “thank you”

Thank you!
谢谢（你/您）！ Xiè xiè (nǐ/nín)!

Thank you very much!
非常感谢（你/您）！ Fēicháng gǎnxiè (nǐ/nín)!
太感谢（你/您）了/太谢谢（你/您）了！Tài gǎnxiè (nǐ/nín) le！/ Tài xièxiè (nǐ/nín) le！
很感谢（你/您）/感激（你/您） Hěn gǎnjī (nǐ/nín)/gǎnxiè (nǐ/nín)

You’ve worked hard！
辛苦（你/您）了！ Xīnkǔ (nǐ/nín) le!

Thanks for your help!
多亏（你/您）了！ Duōkuiī(nǐ/nín) le!

Many thanks! / Thanks a lot!
多谢 Duōxiè

So nice of you!
你太好啦！ Nǐ tàihǎo le

Ways to say “you’re welcome”

No need to thank me
不用谢 Búyǒngxiè

No problem
没关系 Méiguānxì

Don’t be so formal
不客气 Búkèqì

It’s not important/never mind
不要紧 Búyàojǐn

Oh, it’s nothing! (Literally means “where where”)
哪里哪里 Nǎlǐ nǎlǐ

It’s piece of cake/ No need to thank me
小意思 Xiǎoyìsi 

Don’t be formal with me
别和我见外 Bié hé wǒ jiànwài

No no, don’t thank me
不不，别谢我 Bù bù，bié xiè wǒ
没有没有，别谢我 méiyǒu méiyǒu, bié xiè wǒ

Why do you thank me/ No need to thank me
干嘛谢我啊 Gànmá xièwǒ ā

Don’t be so formal/polite
干嘛这么客气 Gànmá zhème kèqi

 Photos: Pixabay.com

When my wife told me she’d been offered a job in Beijing, the first thing I did was go to the library and borrow all their “Teach Yourself Chinese” courses. I listened to the CDs in the kitchen and in the car, and dutifully repeated the conversations, an alarming number of which seemed to revolve around a western man chatting up a Chinese woman. Ni xiang qu he wo nar ma? I think my wife got quite worried.

Nonetheless, I stuck to my task. I learned my vocabulary, practised my tones, and when friends asked me if I spoke any Chinese, would smugly pronounce Wo hui shuo yidianr putonghua…

Then we arrived in China, and reality hit me in the face. I couldn’t understand anything, and couldn’t make myself understood. Instead of the careful articulation of the actors on the CDs, I was confronted by the authentic voice of Beijing: drawling, rasping, and more or less entirely free of consonants, like a consumptive pirate with a mouthful of toffee. My mangled attempts at Mandarin were met with incomprehension, bemusement and contempt.

After several panic-inducing encounters, I realized the Teach Yourself books were deceiving me. I will never engage in cheery conversations with waiters, but instead will always have to order by grunting while stabbing a finger at pictures on the menu, like a chimp in a 1970s psychology experiment. In fact, I learned, you can get by with just five phrases. So, to save you time and money, I present the only language course you will ever need: Actually Useful Mandarin Chinese Made Easy.

1. Ni hao. “Hello. Please don’t talk to me.”

2. Wo ting bu dong. "I have no idea what you just said to me, and I can’t be entirely certain what I said to you. I am completely out of my depth here."

3. Wo zhi shi kankan. "I’m just staring in confusion at the things in your shop. Frankly I don’t know what many of them are, and you waving things under my nose and shouting at me is unlikely to lead to a successful transaction."

4. Xie xie. "I’m not sure what happened here, but I’m hoping that a response of abject gratitude will get me out of it with some degree of dignity."

5. Zai jian. “I’m going home now to hide in a cupboard.”

About the Author
Andrew Killeen is a novelist and creative writing teacher. He was born and brought up in Birmingham, England, studied English Literature at Cambridge University and now lives in Beijing with his wife and two sons, aged 10 and 6. In the UK he ran a weekly writers’ group, founded a literary festival and lectured in creative writing at Coventry University. He is also a qualified positive parenting practitioner. In his spare time he is a musician and DJ, and enjoys watching soccer and cricket, playing poker, and pontificating on social media. His critically acclaimed historical novels are available from Dedalus Books.