Embarking on the journey of fatherhood is undoubtedly a profound and joyous experience, but it comes with its unique set of challenges. The transition to becoming a new dad is a transformative phase, filled with wonder and excitement. While the prospect of nurturing a new life is rewarding, it’s crucial to acknowledge that men, like anyone embracing a new role, require time and understanding to adjust to the responsibilities and nuances of fatherhood. This period of adaptation is not only normal but essential, emphasizing the importance of having a strong support group and quality individuals to talk to. Creating a network of understanding friends and family becomes a cornerstone in helping fathers navigate this wonderful yet challenging chapter in their lives.

Fortunately, in Beijing there’s a guy who’s got the delicate act of balancing life as a dad, professional career, fitness, mental health, and a loving relationship with his partner all figured out. Seriously, tell us how already!

Ross Parsonage is known by some as “the yoga guy from Taozi Tree,” to others as a super dad to four kids – Kai (8), Mia (6), Mateo (3), and Javi (3 months) –and to many clients as their trusted confidant. He’s got over 20 years of legal industry experience in Asia and understands the complexity of working in corporate China. In addition to that, he’s a wellness workplace specialist, NLP master and life coach, accredited mediator, and registered yoga teacher. Ross is passionate about empowering professionals to thrive in and out of the office.

PixCake

We asked Ross to share some tips for first-time dads on how to be the best version of themselves both professionally and at home.

First Child

• Joyous, disruptive, and challenging.
• But there are two of you (or more, if you have supportive grandparents nearby) so you have safety in numbers and can more easily carve out time for yourselves (both individually and as a couple).

Tip #1 – Your job is to look after Mum before, during, and after the birth. Food, sleep, massages, support. All very important. The two of you are the bedrock of the family. Your relationship is the most important, so invest the time. Love is a verb. Love on her.

Tip #2 – There is not a huge amount you can do for the baby in the first few months, so do whatever you can do with a smile on your face. Changing diapers and being involved in bath time should not be seen as chores but as opportunities to bond and get to know your child as they grow. Your child will grow super quickly; don’t miss it!

Multiple Children

• Different experience to having just one or even two children.
• It’s neither easier nor harder; (it is) just different.
• Time/resources become scarce as your family grows.
• The risk is that children do not get the attention they had before.
• It’s great to have children of similar ages. Our son (8) and daughter (6) are only two years apart. It’s great if they can play together. And they do from time to time, but they also fight a lot and wind each other up.

Tip #3 – When introducing older siblings to their new brother/sister, arrange for the baby to give brother/sister a present so they don’t see the baby as a threat, getting all the attention. It takes pressure off the baby.

Tip #4 – Arrange quality time with each child. Both mother and father should spend one-on-one time with all the children. This could be as simple as going to a local grocery store together, but it should be seen as a date. Think of it as an activity with some food and some fun. This is a great way to let them know they are still important and special to you.

Tip #5 – If you can give your children their own space, then do so. We recently converted a large storage cupboard into a Princess Paradise for our daughter to make room for our second son, to move into a room with our eldest son.

PixCake

Tip #6 – In addition to carving out quality time with your kids (and wife), make sure you also find time to look after yourself. For me, I try to get up earlier than the rest of the household. I enjoy an extra one to two hours in the morning of tranquility. I can read, work, go to the gym, meditate – do whatever, without disruption.

Tip #7 – Also, don’t neglect your friends. Yes, it is going to be harder to see them as you did before, but keep in contact and make the effort. In time you will find that you will naturally gravitate to other parents with kids with similar ages and interests. The family get-togethers, trips, and dinners become easier and sought-after. Your friends in Beijing are your chosen family.

Tip #8 – Smart children’s watches are great. Our two eldest have them. It means they have more freedom, as do we. They can play outside in the compound in comparative safety, and we can always call them.

Tip #9 – Try to give your children a routine. We have written down step-by-step routines for our children for mornings, evenings, and dinnertime. They keep us on track and save us from having to repeat ourselves.

Tip #10 – Finally, it’s ok to fail. I get angry and shout more than I would like to admit, primarily when they need me, and I am distracted by some “urgent” work issues. Every day I try to do better. I quite often tell myself I will complete work when they have gone to bed, but often I am too tired.

When life becomes an overwhelming maze and managing its complexities feels like an insurmountable task, a reassuring voice can make all the difference. That’s where Ross comes in — a trusted confidant ready to lend an empathetic ear and provide valuable guidance.

Whether you’re grappling with personal challenges or navigating the twists and turns of life, having Ross on the other end of the line offers a supportive and understanding connection. His ability to actively listen and offer thoughtful advice becomes a beacon of comfort during those times when life’s challenges seem too daunting to face alone. Reach out to Ross, and let the weight of the world be replaced by a sense of shared understanding and support.

Images: Ross Parsonage

Now let me start off by saying that I’m against smoking in general. But, we have had some dads ask us for help to find their favorite cigars in Beijing so here’s one for them. Whether you’re looking for cigars as a baby gift for dads, looking to add to your own collection, or just realizing that Cuban cigars are readily available in Bejing and curious as to what the hype is all about, here’s where you can go.

哈瓦那古巴雪茄吧 (Havanna Cuba Cigar Bar) has multiple locations in Beijing in both Sanlitun and Wangfujing. They’ve got a decent selection of cigars and cigarillos as well as whiskey and cocktails for those who want to hang out and relax.

Find it:
10Xindonglu, Chaoyang District
朝阳区新东路10号
Tel: 13071182909

Find it:
97 Jimbo Street, Chaoyang District
朝阳区金宝街97号
Tel: 13520051951

Davidoff of Geneva sells pretty much any Davidoff cigar you’d want along with classic pipes, lighters, cutters, and other stylish Davidoff accessories. This one is pretty cool if you’re shopping for a gift for a friend since they do a nifty sampler box that features a selection of the most popular Davidoff cigars in beautiful gift wrapping.

Find it:
朝阳区东长安街1号东方新天地商场1层A301
L1 – A301, Dongfang Xintiandi Mall, 1 Dongchang Anjie， Chaoyang District
Tel: 65250210

Over in Lido, the 古巴雪茄 (Cuban Cigar Club) is where you’ll find all those prized Cohibas that you can’t get in the US. The place is packed with boxes of cigars and also offers a selection of whiskeys for those who want to hang out and relax in the shop.

Find it:
West 798 Art District Street
798艺术区西街
Tel: 13621139143

Images: Dianping

Beijing’s international community is smart and cosmopolitan, and we often like to think of ourselves as being above prejudices and old-fashioned ideas about gender and ethnicity. But there’s one aspect in which we resemble a more traditional society: the realm of the “trailing spouse,” those of us who came to China because of our partner’s jobs or careers rather than our own. Almost without exception these are women accompanying their husbands, and the few men who do it are often given the derogatory label of “guy tai” (a play on taitai, the Chinese for wife). As one of those rare exceptions, I decided to find out just how rare I am.

Research turned up no reliable data on what percentage of trailing spouses might be male. One expat blog enthusiastically labeled it “a growing trend”, then produced a single lone example to interview. Another divided us, alarmingly, into “PIPs” and “POPs” (Previously Important People and Previously Ordinary People), but offered no data of any kind to justify its classifications. So I turned instead, as one does for everything in China, to WeChat.

Beijing Dads Group is one of the liveliest WeChat groups in the city, with nearly 400 dads sharing information, jokes, and thoughts on raising kids in the capital. However I was only able to find one other dad who would admit to being a trailing spouse. Based on this unscientific example, it looks like less than half of one percent of international dads came to China for their wife’s work.

“I knew it was for the best to move to Beijing, so I had absolutely no problems with it,” says Rob Hackett. “I’m pretty easy-going, while my wife can be quite intense, so we make a good pair in these kinds of decisions.”

It was not the first time he had moved for his wife’s career.

“I met my wife in 2000, when we were both working at a startup in San Diego,” Hackett tells me. “She was a data scientist and I was a sales engineer.  She had recently graduated with her PhD in Electrical Engineering, and I was studying for the GMAT to go to business school. My wife stuck with the company after its acquisition and was offered a promotion at another company in Orange County, CA. I had just finished business school, so it was a good time to move. I landed a job in the in-flight entertainment industry and have been pretty involved with that through to 2018. My wife left her company in 2014 and started her own business going back and forth to China. Eventually she received funding in 2015 and asked us all to move to Beijing.”

Modern technology means that moving with your partner doesn’t have to mean the end of your own career.

“I left my position in 2016,” Hackett says, “but was able to secure another with an American company to work remotely at home from 2016 to 2018.  They needed me to return to California every summer, so it was a win for everyone. My wife travels five days a week, so I was the primary caretaker from the beginning. My contract expired near the end of 2018, so I have been a full-time stay-at-home dad ever since.”

For me, on the other hand, the move meant giving up a business I had spent three years building from scratch. When I met my wife, she was working in skills development while I managed projects supporting homeless and vulnerable families. We both then made mid-life career changes: my wife retrained as a teacher, while the publication of my first novel allowed me to follow my lifelong dream of making a living as a writer.

I earned my money teaching creative writing in a variety of settings, mentoring aspiring writers and taking on roles such as “writer-in-residence” at an art gallery. It was fulfilling work, and I had finally built enough income streams to make a viable living from it. So why leave it all behind?

The reason was that I was working so hard at being a writer that I had no time for actually writing anything creative myself. So when my wife suggested she look for work in another country, so that our kids could have the experience of living in a different culture for a couple of years, I jumped at the chance.

“It’s like you’ve got a two-year writing retreat,” a novelist friend said enviously.

However, being a “guy tai” was not the easy life I had imagined. Having always worked, I found myself after a few months bored, broke, and seriously considering returning home to England. I was saved by a colleague of my wife’s who was on the Parent Board of beijingkids.

“Isn’t your husband a writer?” she said. “They’re always looking for freelancers.”

Four years later, we are still here, and I am still working for beijingkids.

Hackett too recognizes the important role work plays in maintaining our self-esteem and sanity.

“I really miss the social support structure that full-time work provides,” he tells me. “I belong to a few WeChat groups that really help out in this regard and have a couple of close friends in Beijing that I see regularly. I recently had surgery on my leg and was really nervous about having an operation done in China. The people I know in my WeChat groups really helped to alleviate my anxiety and made everything a whole lot better.”

I ask him how people react when he tells them he’s a stay-at-home dad.

“The responses I get from people vary quite a bit.,” he says. “My boys went to a Chinese bilingual school for the first two years, and I think I was the first dad that ever helped on field trips or in the classrooms. My school friends became the Chinese moms, and they venerated me as some kind of saint. They thought it was great that a dad took an active role, with one of them going so far as to shaming her husband in front of me. I had to come to the poor guy’s defense.”

Not everyone responds as positively though.

“The older (55 plus) Chinese men at the gym love giving me a hard time about it. ‘How’s the boss?’ and ‘Did you join my wife’s flower club yet?’ were some of my favorites. The younger Chinese (under 30) are similar to Americans and Europeans, who are completely indifferent about it. Even the ones who are super curious about American culture just assume it’s ‘what’s best for the family’.  I think it really exemplifies the growth and global understanding that the next generation of Chinese have about the world.”

But his choice is supported by the most important stakeholders of all.

“I asked my boys if they would rather have daddy or mommy at home and they both said ‘daddy’, but I’m pretty sure it’s simply because I have grown to be more patient with them (which wasn’t always the case). I remember asking them when they were younger and my mother-in-law spent a lot of time with them, and their answer was ‘Grandma’.”

I put the question to my kids, to be greeted with bewildered shrugs. They see nothing odd or exceptional about the situation at all.

“When you talk about it with your friends at school, what do they say?” I persisted.

“Dad, do you seriously think we sit around with our friends talking about you and mom and your jobs?” my 13-year-old responded, not unreasonably.

“Well, would you rather have Mom at home than me?” I asked, and this time received a definite “no!”

“At least we get to eat good food with you,” my 10-year-old said.

“Are you saying,” my wife asked with dangerous sweetness, “that I don’t make good food?”

“No, you make great food Mom!” he said, then added quietly, “as long as you like salad.”

Although there is little research into the needs of male trailing spouses, I found a 2010 doctoral thesis by Anne M. Braseby of Florida International University entitled, Adaptation of Trailing Spouses: Does Gender Matter?

“Adjustment is harder for male trailing spouses,” writes Dr. Braseby, “because psychologically they still feel the need to earn money and be a token breadwinner which inhibits them taking on new identities, but easier because they do not need such a strong support system, and they do not feel the guilt of leaving the responsibilities to their families back home.”

Men were less likely to get involved in voluntary work, she found. While women saw it as giving them identity and purpose, men tended to perceive it as “doing menial work for free”. Perhaps most importantly however, she found that men had always made the decision to become a trailing spouse by active choice, whereas women often felt pressured into it by social expectation. So men were better able to create the “new identity” required to survive and thrive as an expat, because they embraced it enthusiastically.

This insight gave me a new perspective on the “expat widow” of myth, often mocked and envied for their leisured lifestyle. I certainly found that idleness leads to frustration and unhappiness; how much worse this would be if you had given up your support networks reluctantly, out of a sense of obligation.

The traditional expat though is usually here for only a few years before returning to their home country; a pattern which is less and less common, as ever fewer foreigners come to Beijing on postings from big corporations. I asked Hackett what the future held for his family.

“We have had a few discussions about the future,” he said. “I definitely want to go back to work, as I am slowly exhausting the accomplishments of my hobbies and desires. The debate will be, do I work in China or do I work in the US? Mommy has a very important role with the kids, but at the same time her parents would like to see them more often, and the kids want to visit their friends in America. No matter where I work, someone is going to have to make some sacrifices.”

For my family, we have decided that this will be our last year in China. Having come for two years and stayed for five, we will be ready for a change by next summer. However we are not keen to return to Brexit Britain, a country racked by anxiety and division. Instead we’re going to look for a new adventure somewhere else in the world. I worry of course about what I’ll do when we get there; sitting around getting bored is not an option, and I may not be lucky enough to find an employer as good as beijingkids has been. Whatever the future holds though, I will be entering into it as a matter of choice not compulsion, ready to adapt and make the best of it… Not trailing, but striding.

This article appeared in the beijingkids November 2019 Beijing Baba issue

It’s almost 2020. Periods shouldn’t make men (of any age) squeamish anymore and women shouldn’t need to feel embarrassed to ask for a tampon. It’s a completely normal part of life and it’s time to treat it as such.

Unfortunately, there are still dads in Beijing who consider the puberty talk and anything relating to that to be “mom’s job”. But truth be told, periods aren’t awkward until you (the parent) make it awkward.

True story: I have a girl friend who fell for a guy because of an accident with her period. Long story short, she got her period while they were out at lunch one day and instead of making a scene or making her feel embarrassed, he simply gave her his jacket to tie around her waist and walked her over to the nearest Watson’s to buy some sanitary napkins. That, boys, is how a gentleman should behave.

In China, the range of period products available isn’t as wide as in the US. There’s essentially two brands of tampons which can be commonly found in Chinese supermarkets and Watson’s, and occasionally a Diva cup would make an appearance on the shelves for a few months before disappearing because many of us can’t figure out how to actually use one without it looking like that elevator scene from The Shining.

The most commonly used product is still the pad, but there are so many kinds out there that it’s hard to choose the one you need. And you’re not supposed to choose just one. Depending on how heavy your flow is, the type of clothes you’re wearing, and time of day, there are different types of sanitary pads suited for your needs.

Here’s the cheat sheet for the next time someone needs you do to a feminine product run to the nearest supermarket.
For sleeping – long pads with wings
First day of the cycle – thin pads with wings or regular tampons
Second day of the cycle – thicker pads with wings or heavy flow tampons
Third day (until the end of the cycle) – back to thin pads with wings and regular tampons

• Always buy the pads with wings.
• Don’t buy the scented stuff.
• Never assume that panty liners can be a substitute for pads.
• Buy a box of regular tampons just in case.

For the single dads who need to have the talk. I get it. It’s not a comfortable topic no matter how hard you try. My dad still makes that “ugh, I can’t believe you said that” face when I ask him to add tampons to his Costco-run shopping list and he’s in his 60s. But no matter how uncomfortable it is to have the conversation, it’s better than her not knowing what’s going on with her body or thinking that she can’t come to you for help and advice.

Make her aware of these things. Her knowledge will help her navigate.

Hormones and Emotional Ups and Downs: A flood of hormones are going to cause her moods to fluctuate. She is going to cry and have no reason why. She will also be sensitive about things that normally wouldn’t bother her. It isn’t her fault, but knowing may help her maintain perspective and discount it. One of the most irritating things, when I was young, was people pointing out my mood swings and joking about it. Put yourself in their shoes. Your body is going through changes and you’re dealing with things you’ve never had to deal with before. It takes a bit of time before your daughters can get the hang of their menstrual cycles.

Menstrual Cycle and Vaginal Discharge: This isn’t here for shock value. It’s important for her to know what to expect so she’s not left alone in fear and confusion when it happens. Tell her; do not leave it up to a doctor or anyone else. They may impose their own viewpoints on sexuality, inconsistent with the values of your home. Vaginal discharge is one that’s often overlooked during sex ed classes. It’s not done on purpose, but when compared to the vast amount of information delivered to young people all at once, it ranks lower on the list of topics to cover. But, make sure your daughter knows that this is completely normal and that there’s nothing wrong with her body.

Growth Spurts, Pimples, and Breast Development: Explain that these changes are natural. They will feed her insecurity, particularly if she develops earlier or later than her peers. This isn’t the 90s anymore and being beautiful doesn’t mean you need to look like Gisele Bündchen. Models like Winnie Harlow, Ashley Graham, Brunette Moffy, and Viktoria Modesta are just a few of the models on today’s runways that prove that you don’t need to look a certain way to be considered beautiful.

Winnie Harlow is a Canadian fashion model, and public spokesperson on the skin condition vitiligo

Brunette Moffy is breaking down barriers. The cross-eyed model has now been signed with Storm Models.

Ashley Graham is an American plus-size model and television presenter.

Viktoria Modesta is a bionic artist exploring modern identity through performance, fashion, avant garde visuals, technology and science. VM’s life story is a journey of exploration and pushing human boundaries.

Source: allprodad.com
Photos: unsplash, giphy, manamia, vogue.com

Students from the British School of Beijing, Shunyi (BSB Shunyi) Create Humorous Impressions of Their Dads Based on Distorted Photos

Adrianna T. (Hong Kong) Age 8

I like my Dad because he is always kind to me and looks after me. He is funny and makes me laugh.

Arnaud B. (Belgium) Age 7

I like my Dad because he plays with me and helps me with my homework. He tells funny jokes and always makes me laugh. He is always there to help me.

Sihyun J. (Korea) Age 7

I like my Dad because he plays with me and cooks me some lovely, yummy food. He also goes with me to the playground and gives me cakes.

Sophie L. (France) Age 7

I like my Dad because he is funny. He is nice to me all the time. He also plays the saxophone to me when I am sleeping.

Michelle W. (Hong Kong) Age 7

I like my Dad because he is funny and he is kind. I like playing jokes and making cupcakes with him. I also like my little sister because she is nice.

Siena M. (USA) Age 7

I like my Dad because he is very funny and really kind. He always calls me his Little Princess. He likes riding his bike with me and giving me tickles. My Dad is always telling me jokes.

JuBeen P. (Korea) Age 8

My Dad is my best friend. He is always funny and happy.  He likes animals too because they are cute. Do you know him?

Camilla C. (Canada) Age 7

I like my Dad because he is very kind and funny. He is always teaching me new things. I always watch TV with him. When I ask if I can watch TV, he says,” Yes you can watch as long as you do your homework.”

This article appeared in the beijingkids November 2019 Beijing Baba issue

Right now, global conversations are swirling around equal rights for women, people of color, the LGBTQ+ community, and the intersectionality therein. However, while the time to undo systemic and institutional biases is long overdue, we cannot adequately address the obstacles, discrimination, and prejudices people face unless we simultaneously discuss how these systemic and institutional biases were constructed in the first place. Namely, why dominance was arbitrarily and capriciously conferred upon men, and how that dominance not only affects the oppressed, but also the oppressor.

Put another way: None of us will be liberated until all of us are liberated.

As it happens, packed into this arbitrary dominance is a litany of unwritten rules and modes of being which, until very recently, haven’t been openly discussed all that much. Nevertheless, when you ask someone, anyone really, what it means to be a man, you will get a set of fairly uniform answers. Men are supposed to be strong, stoic emotional voids who are logical, competitive, ambitious risk-takers.

But what happens if you’re a man who doesn’t fit into one or more of these molds? What if the pressure to live these characteristics means betraying some part of yourself that you value? What if you don’t know how to make sense of a world that is often crushing and punishing, yet you also don’t know how to ask for help? 

The manifestation of these problems is staggering, and again, rarely addressed in public discourse. Case in point: men account for 10 – 15 percent of patients with anorexia or bulimia, while 40 percent have a binge eating disorder. Moreover, a study from 2017 suggested that up to 10 percent of men report postnatal depression. Perhaps most distressing is the fact that, in the United States, men make up over 75 percent of suicide victims, with an average of one man taking his own life every 20 minutes.

Luckily, brave men and women are finally beginning to open up spaces and start conversations about these issues, their underlying causes, and hidden, tragic consequences.

Such was an event this past Tuesday (Nov 5) called Get Men Talking, the first in a three-part series under the banner, Feminism Is For Everyone. Hosted at Caravan by the inimitable women of Beijing Wave, the night brought together a crowd of 35-40 individuals across a wide spectrum of identities. It was a truly representational pool of voices from around the globe, all coming together in a chorus for social justice and gender equality.

Throughout the evening attendees watched videos that touched on a number of issues plaguing the modern man, including a rundown of heart-wrenching statistics, perspectives on male stereotypes and body issues, the shame associated with being a male victim of domestic violence, and the pressures put upon men who assume the role of overworked breadwinner. The discussions that followed were poignant, powerful, heartfelt, and very, very real. And although the topics demanded a level of vulnerability that most people, especially men, aren’t comfortable demonstrating, nearly every person in the room had something to share.

When asked to reflect on the event, Beijing Wave’s founder, Jodie Warren, had this to say:

“Myself and the women of 北京Wave were moved by the success and support showed on the night. We were so grateful that the men in the room felt comfortable enough to share their honest experiences and thoughts surrounding men’s mental health. The continuous flow of passionate conversation proved how important it is for topics like this to be discussed amongst ourselves and our communities in order to spark change in the way society treats it. We really believe that the event ended with our attendees feeling positively aware of this pressing issue and we’re so thankful.”

Co-organizer, Spencer Kondak, echoed a similar sentiment:

“We [Beijing Wave] were completely thrilled with Tuesday’s turnout. Being in that room with so many diverse voices who were all there to talk about a topic we care so much about was truly inspiring. Personally, I was struck by how many people came up to me after the event and expressed their gratitude that we had planned this event about men’s mental health in particular. However, we’re more grateful to every single person in that room for coming, for sharing, for listening, and for caring about this issue. We hope in the wake of this event that we can continue an open dialogue about men’s mental health and how to enact change and fight stigma.”

beijingkids had the chance to catch up with two guys who attended Get Men Talking, and we asked them a few questions inspired by the event’s conversation. For the sake of privacy, we will be using the first initial of their first names.

beijingkids had the chance to catch up with two guys who attended Get Men Talking, and we asked them a few questions inspired by the event’s conversation. For the sake of privacy, we will be using the first initial of their surnames.

G. is a 34 year old chef who hails from Zimbabwe, while M. is 31 years old and moved to Beijing from California.

Why did you decide to attend this evening’s event?

M: I attended today’s event because this is a topic that “hits home” for me. Also, I have gone to a previous Wave event that was very informative and engaging. Listening to different perspectives in a safe and small environment is always nice.

G: I am a feminist.

Have you struggled with depression or anxiety in the past?

M & G: Yes.

Do you have male friends who have struggled with these issues?

M: I have a friend who has dealt with bouts of depression. He nonchalantly mentioned it to me one day. It kind of took me by surprise, and I didn’t know how to react initially. Although I was mostly quiet as he discussed the depression he was going through, I felt that he wasn’t really looking for me to give him a bunch of advice. The fact that he took the first step in being open with me and talking about it meant he was already on the path to recovery.

G: Yes.

Are these topics you openly discuss with friends?

M: Although I’m not uncomfortable saying that I have been depressed, I am not open to discussing it in detail (with the exemption of close friends).

G: No

How did this conversation impact you?

M: This conversation has me wanting to attend an all-male fire chat. The event was amazing, but there was so much more to be said regarding this topic, and it would be nice to hear more perspectives from men.

G: It impacted me in a positive way, because I could see men being real to themselves and to people around them. As men, we always have this ideal-self mentality — a man does not cry, should be strong — hence our feelings are always concealed. We are not true to ourselves, we always say we are okay, even when things are not okay. We are sinning against ourselves. So through the discussion, I learned that it’s okay to be real and speak out without fear of being judged or called names.

Why do you think it’s important for men to engage in these conversations?

M: It’s important for men to discuss these issues because it’s not something that men have been doing in the past. There are a lot of guys out there who are holding on by a thread, because they don’t know how to cope. Sometimes a man may just need a friend to vent to, while others will need the help of a professional.

G: It’s important for men to engage in these talks because they are not only good for women, but for the society at large. It was quite interesting for me to see the [Beijing Wave] ladies have a collection of videos of men that are abused in their relationships, and trying to find out more about men, it’s really a huge score on feminism’s part. They are not just opposing men, or they just want to be viewed differently, but they are trying to build a society that is equal, that has common values of love, respect, and kindness, not based on any gender. If we all view feminism without any biases, our society will be rooted together and we will have needed smiles.

Anything else you’d like to share?

M: One aspect that wasn’t discussed was how medication to treat a lot of these mental health issues really does change a person. I had to come to terms with the fact that some men in my life that are on meds to treat their illness are not the same person that I once knew.

G: People should not be defined by what is between their legs. People should be defined by what is within their heart and minds. After all, our genders are only valid in bathrooms and bedrooms most of the time. Besides that, we define differently. After all, we are all the same, we should embrace and complement each other. No need to hate or discriminate, as we all start the same for the first 20 weeks of pregnancy, we are all genderless. We should also remember that everything we know right now we were taught. Let’s teach kids wisely, because some of the things we are suffering now are things we were taught when we were young. Some people develop what I call, “concrete mindset.” They can’t change anything, it’s like whatever they were taught is final, they don’t need anything new or to adjust, which becomes a problem in life. We need to have a mindset which is flexible, not quick to judge, but rather more understanding and considerate. For wisdom is the ability to understand difference in people, difference in time, and difference in opinions.

Photos: Pixabay, Beijing Wave

OK, so there are probably times when we men should talk a bit less and listen a bit more. (That’s what my wife says, anyway.) But there is one area where men don’t talk nearly enough, and that’s about our emotions. And the consequences are serious. Young men, so often raised to believe that “boys don’t cry,” and asking for help is a sign of weakness, are vastly more likely than women to commit suicide or self-harm.

One group in Beijing is determined to break this pattern, and is running an event to encourage men to start talking about how they really feel. According to organizers Beijing Wave, “Feminism is for Everyone: Get Men Talking will take the form of an open discussion guided by short films and topical questions that will have participants breaking down the overlooked epidemic that is men’s mental health and suicide.”

We asked founder Jodie Warren to tell us more about the group.

“We’re (currently) a group of women striving to form a strong and visibly present community in Beijing that connects through gender equality and women’s empowerment,” she told us. “We host events at which this community can discuss, share and educate one another on topics that are relevant worldwide.”

But many men, we suggested, see feminism as a threat, not a solution to their problems.

“True feminism advocates for equal treatment and opportunity for everyone regardless of gender,” Warren said. “Therefore feminism should never be taken as a threat to men because we are on their side.”

In fact, they decided to launch their series of events with a discussion of men’s issues.

“We wanted to start a series titled Feminism Is For Everyone to diminish the idea that feminism is a cis-woman only movement. We felt the best place to start was with men. I’m from the UK and recently the statistics regarding suicide amongst our young men has been brought to light to which people have been avidly campaigning to raise awareness of men’s mental health. November is also a huge month where men across the globe take part in Movember which raises money for men’s mental health charities!”

All are welcome at the event, Warren said, but they are keen for men to attend and speak about their lives. She added that it’s particularly vital for parents to be supported in changing the messages we send to children about gender and mental health.

“Although we encourage all genders to attend Beijing Wave events we, of course, encourage men to attend first and foremost. We believe it’s important to provide men with a space where they are able to discuss mental health without judgement or stigma attached to the things they share. We want this event to chip away at the burden men may face when talking about their mental health and suicide. I believe parents raising young boys (or girls) would benefit greatly from attending this event because we’ll be unpacking the gender stereotypes taught from childhood and how this is likely to impact young boys negatively as they get older.”

If you want to be part of this important conversation, you can book via the QR code in the poster below.

Feminism is for Everyone: Get Men Talking, Nov 5

Adults. RMB 30. 6.30pm. Beijing Wave. Caravan, 44 Guanghua Lu, Chaoyang District. (8563-0801) 光华路44号.

Photo: Wokandapix from Pixabay

They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach… and it’s certainly the way to keep most dads happy. So we’ve picked out some of the special brunch and dinner deals available to make the dad in your life feel special this Father’s Day.

Father’s Day Brunch at FEAST, Jun 16

FEAST say they know what every Dad wants, and they’re offering roast meat, thick steaks, seafood, and free-flow house wine, and craft beer to prove it. Meanwhile the little ones can make gingerbread cookies for their dad. If you’re quick you can even win a free brunch for two adults and a child under 12. Just follow their WeChat account (scan the QR code below) and tell them the most impressive story about your Dad. But hurry, the competition closes at 12 noon today (June 12)!

All ages. RMB 428/person, including free-flow soft drinks, craft beer and house wine. 11.30am-3pm. 2/F, EAST Beijing, 22 Jiuxianqiao Lu, Chaoyang District (8414 9820) 朝阳区酒仙桥路22号东隅北京酒店2层

Father’s Day Fiesta at Mosto, Jun 16

Mosto is teaming up with La Social to turn Father’s Day into Fiesta. On the menu will be Beef Empanadas, Josper Roasted Octopus, Pork Belly Calentao and the all-star-bacon-wrapped-beef-tenderloin, Lomito. Bloody Marys will be on special all weekend too.

All ages. 12 noon – 2.30pm. 3/F, Nali Patio, 81 Sanlitun Lu, Chaoyang District (5208 6030) 朝阳区三里屯路81号那里花园3层

Father’s Day at Lu Yu, Jun 16

Make Dad feel really special by honoring him with a fabulous feast in the elegant surroundings of Lu Yu at Conrad Beijing. The cuisine is “progressive Chinese”: Yunnan baby squash in a sesame dressing and peach seed with autumn ear, steamed fresh turbot in soy sauce and stir-fried beef with two types of mushrooms, and poached green kale with ginger are among the delights on offer.

All ages. 11.30am-10pm. Set Menu RMB 328 net for two guests, including two glasses of house wine. 1/F, Conrad Beijing, 29 Dongsanhuan Beilu, Chaoyang District (6584 6290) 朝阳区东三环北路29号康莱德酒店1层

Making Time to Tie Up Father’s Day at Chapter, Jun 16

Chapter is described as a “library of food,” offering a range of cuisines, and it’s a genteel environment in which to treat Dad to a literary brunch. Handcrafted desserts, chocolate cigars, and of course free-flow drinks are on offer, and the little ones can create a personalized tie to make Dad’s day really special.

All ages. RMB 328 per person + 15 percent service charge, including free flow of wine, beer, soft drinks, coffee and tea. 12 noon- 2.30pm. 1/F, Conrad Beijing, 29 Dongsanhuan Beilu, Chaoyang District (6584 6270) 朝阳区东三环北路29号康莱德酒店1层

Photos: Courtesy of event organizers

Beijing has many fascinating events for Women’s Day 2019. But one of the most intriguing invites us to think about men – and their role as fathers to daughters. BARE’s conference “How to Empower Women as Daughters?” brings together four fathers and four daughters, to share stories about this crucial relationship and the role it plays in women’s lives.

“BARE is about creating a safe space for people to be completely themselves, to share their doubts, their fears, ask for help, complain, because that’s how you relate to each other,” said Helena Javitte, one of the event’s organizers. “You remove all the labels, the status, the public image, you stop pretending and you just talk from an individual to another, so I wanted to have dads open up and share their visions and their tips.”

Helena Javitte

“Through BARE events people can connect and openly talk about the challenges behind success,” added Dorothe Stahljans, who works with Javitte on the project. “And also define for themselves what being successful means. The events provide good tools for your professional career, but also for your private life. In that way, you get new input to get out of the daily worries that we are so often stuck within, and we find a way to show vulnerability.”

Dorothe Stahljans

But why dads, we asked?

“People could argue that I should have invited mothers as well,” Javitte said. “But I believe it’s quite rare to have men and dads open up about their doubts. So I wanted to have dads open up and share their visions and their tips, and I hope we’ll have lots of dads coming to ask questions to other dads and be reassured that it’s OK to feel like you are not good enough.”

It was an expression of vulnerability of this kind that inspired the event, Javitte told us, when she was talking to a Beijing entrepreneur about his daughters.

“And he said that he sometimes isn’t sure if he is doing a good job. Knowing him and how he connects with his four daughters as individuals, I thought it was crazy that a dad like him would have any doubts.”

We asked what people could expect if they came along to the conference.

“They can expect concrete tips and anecdotes from dads, and different visions from dads.
They can expect emotional stories, but also different perspectives from women; about what it means to be strong, for instance.”

All are welcome to the event, Javitte said, “children, parents, moms and dads, young men and young women…” But she particularly hopes men will attend.

“2019 for BARE is the year of men; I want to involve them more.”

Tickets for the conference cost RMB 70. Previous BARE events have sold out, so early registration is recommended! Use the QR code below to book your place.

Photos: courtesy of BARE