We hear over and over again how important communication is. We work through differing communication styles with partners, friends, and colleagues but communicating with children baffles most adults.

That’s because families are evolving organisms. Kids move rapidly through developmental stages and need something different from their parents at each step in the process. And each parent has a communication style that may or may not be easily adapted to the developmental stage their child is in.

I know parents who loved communicating with their toddlers but the ice wall of the teen years seems impossible to scale. The reverse is true too. I know plenty of adults who have no clue how to converse with a 2-year-old but can happily talk about sports, politics, or world news for hours with their 12-year-old.

So, what do your kids need from you at each stage and how do you communicate to them during that period? Hint, it’s rarely about what you say.

Infants and Babies (yes, they communicate!)

Parents as deity: You are their conduit to the world. They just spent nine months in a small, dark, quiet space so this big, bright, loud world is overwhelming and they need you to be their guide.

By far baby’s strongest senses are physical touch and smell. Lots of holding, rocking, etc. tells them that you are here and they are safe. In addition, quiet singing and gentle speaking on any topic are great while you cuddle your little bundle. They don’t understand what you are talking about but tone and cadence can help stimulate their developing brain.

Baby massage and good eye contact can help stimulate growth and foster a sense of well-being. It will also give you a chance to watch for baby’s responses, learning what they do and do not like, which is a form of communication. The Mayo Clinic has an excellent “how-to” on baby massage on its website.

Toddlers

Parents as magicians: In this phase, you are an all-powerful wizard capable of making things happen or disappear. You are the mystical keeper of the Cheerios, the powerful wielder of the remote control, the master of bath time fun, and the most beautiful person they have ever seen. They are more than a little in aw of you and when not having a total meltdown (more on that here: The Taming of the Twos) they are a joy to be around. As long as you know how to read their cues.

Everything is a wonder to a 3-year-old and they want to share all of it with you. All you need to do is engage in what they are engaging in. If they are happily building a block tower, sit on the floor and help them. They hand you the play phone? Put it to your ear and say “hello!” They are excitedly pointing at a car? Say “yes, I see the big red car! It’s amazing. What other colors do you see?” At this age your child wants to communicate with you and they do that primarily through play.

Elementary Age Kids

Parents as Superman/Wonder Woman: You are strong, you are capable and you have all the answers.

And that’s good because they have a lot of questions. Most elementary-age kids want your time and attention and have the verbal skills to communicate. Generally, their favorite sentences start with “Why?” And while its constant use can make you crazy sometimes that word is a gift to a parent!  Because the answer should be, “let’s find out!” Rather than simply telling them the answer and shooing them away so you can finish your very important grown-up work, invite them to investigate with you. Sit them on your lap, get online and do some research together. Even better, if you have the time set up a simple experiment. I have a very fond memory of my dad helping me dissect the pop-up turkey thermometer one Thanksgiving because I wanted to know how it knew the bird was done cooking.

The other thing to think about is introducing them to things you love. Broaden their horizons by selecting great music for the car trip, “Midnight Train to Georgia” and “Dancing in the Moonlight” will always make me think of Sunday afternoons dancing with my parents and siblings in the living room. They want to be like you so teach them something you love to do. Cooking, knitting, bargain hunting, sports. They think you are awesome. So pick an activity you love and use it as an opportunity to build a foundation for the years to come.

Tweens

Parents as Spider-Man: You need to be constantly hanging around but able to swing in and out of the situation as needed.

I used to volunteer with fifth graders in Virginia and I would joke they walked in as sweet kids in September and slowly transformed into hormonal moody teens by June. But it’s a pretty special developmental opportunity. The tween years are about inspiration and choosing a focus. Kids at this age want to be independent but still have a desire to be useful, helpful, and often exhibit an altruistic streak. In short, they want to make a difference in their communities, to have an effect.

But how to do that? When they are younger you drive their interests but now they need to take control. You are still in the car and navigating but they need to pick the destination. Start with open-ended questions. What was your favorite part of that movie? What do you like/hate about school? What’s your favorite food?

Whatever the answer, even if it’s only one word, find a way to affirm their opinion and ask follow-up questions. Themes will start to emerge. They love games of strategy or think a certain filmmaker is really cool, they care a lot about the environment. You might be surprised by their interests and it will give you an opening to learn more about who they are becoming and the friends they are making. Then show an interest in those things and suggest activities they might like. “You told me that director X is really cool, there is a movie by him/her on Netflix, will you watch it with me?”

You should also consider getting them involved in long-term clubs or groups for the things they show interest in. If you as a parent can help them discover what they love you will be helping to set them up with a positive peer community and a safe place to get support for the oh so important and tumultuous teen years ahead.

Teens

Parents as Batman: You’re the hero they deserve, not the hero they need.

Much like the Dark Knight, your job is to lurk in the shadows and observe. You will be able to do almost nothing right and they will often hate you. It sucks, I’m sorry. But your teenager is biologically primed to reject you right now. Nature is preparing them to leave your nest and create their own. They are seeking a community and identity outside of their current family structure. That doesn’t mean they don’t need you and it doesn’t mean you stop communicating.

No matter how hard they push you away keep showing up. Attend every football match, go to every concert, don’t miss a debate meet. Even if they roll their eyes in front of their friends, they need to know you are there and supportive. So wave from the stands and tell them you are proud of them after the final curtain, then send them off to get pizza with the team.

Use the other adults in their life. As difficult as it can be to watch your child confide in someone else this is normal. The coach who listens, the choir director who cares, the cool godparent they relate to, these proxy adults are an important tool for you as a parent. Teens still need adult guidance but it can feel like failing if they run to mommy and daddy, or they might be worried about disappointing you. A slightly removed but trusted adult can give them a safe outlet, provide them with good advice and they can be a direct line back to you if something dangerous or truly difficult needs intervention.

Watch for your teen’s cues. Remember that hobby from the elementary school years? If they suddenly sit down with you and start knitting or ask to bake cookies together, they might be signaling that they need to talk to you but don’t know how to broach a subject. Don’t rush in guns blazing, ask those open-ended questions as you work on the requested activity. Let them know you are listening but not pushing.

Last but not least, let them start taking a leadership role in the family. Give them a reasonable say in planning family outings or vacations, ask them to help you write new family rules around tech or meal planning. If they feel invested in the family in a new way you might get better participation and communication from them during those events.

In short, be there and offer opportunities, but don’t demand. Because the next phase is pretty cool.

Young Adults

Parents as Friends: At this point, you can start being a “real person” to your kids. As they have experiences beyond the family unit they start to realize, “Hey, my parents knew what they were talking about.” They suddenly see that they get their sense of humor from you and their work ethic from your partner. They no longer need you, so now they get to choose you. But that can only happen if you lay the foundation in childhood for open communication as an adult.

Every family and every child is different. We want to offer as many perspectives as possible. If you have an experience or parenting hack that can help someone else, please share it in the comments!

KEEP READING: Can You Discipline Someone Else’s Child?

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“Your child will be way behind if you don’t sign up for this class! Don’t you want your baby to have the best chance of success?”

It’s a scare tactic parents have heard many times from play gyms and early education centers, however, it should be a warning sign to any prospective parent. Recently, some friends of mine took their child to an early education center here in Beijing and had these phrases hurled at them by members of the sales team. They didn’t love the class but were concerned they could be hurting their child if they didn’t sign up for something like it. They asked for my input.

Full disclosure: I spent many years as an early childhood educator, running programs, writing curricula, and training educators on best practices and pedagogy for our youngest community members. I was and still am a firm believer in the power of excellent educational experiences in the first five years of life. I believe categorically, and the science backs it up, that play-based early education can and does do magnificent things for the developing brain and can be a foundational map for a child’s happy, healthy life long educational journey. Unfortunately, excellent programs taught by well-informed, well-trained educators are few and far between. But they do exist.

Let’s start by talking about what early education can and can’t do. Allow me to geek out for a second and talk about what we know about the science of the developing brain.

90 percent of your child’s brain will develop by age 5 and 80 percent of that will happen before the age of 3. As their brain is growing, they are making neurological connections called synapses. Any of these connections that get used regularly by your child in the first years of life will become a permanent part of their brain’s information highway, while any that don’t get used regularly will be lost. Your child’s brain will form these connections naturally when exposed to stimuli. These connections will have a profound effect on a child’s ongoing cognitive, physical, and socio-emotional health throughout their life. What early education programs can and should do is provide a rich, guided environment to encourage and build those connections while strengthening them through fun and thoughtful repetition.

Here are a few things to look for that can signal the difference between an exceptional program that will be an enriching first learning experience and one that just wants your money.

Structured but not rigid: A great class is exactly that – a class. There should be a curriculum. It should have a clear opening, followed by a skill-building/themed middle, and a structured ritual closing. There should be some exploration or free choice time built into the course, but there should be skill-building games and stations for the students to work on during that time and the educator in the room should be guiding you and your child in making the most of it. Most importantly, every activity should have a purpose.

Red flags: If it’s all free play or it seems to be mostly fun, cute things to entertain the kids but there’s no real focus you should be concerned. Free play is important but frankly, you don’t need to pay for it, it’s free in more than one sense of the word.

Well-trained staff: This does not necessarily mean a degree in education. Some of the best teachers I have ever worked with are artists, singers, actors, and other creatives who are exceptional at being engaging, delivering information, and managing a classroom. In short, they were natural teachers. But I always made sure they had a firm foundation in early childhood theory and practice, and that they understood the reasons and goals behind each activity. Simply put, they should be knowledgeable. The best way to find that out? Ask questions about why they are doing something in a class, or more specifically, what skills an activity builds. Remember above when we said every activity should have a purpose? The educators should know what that is.

Red flags: If the teacher seems like a fun babysitter but doesn’t have a good answer when you ask, “So what is the purpose of playing with XYZ for a child’s development?” Hint: Even stuff that looks like it’s just fun such as bubbles and parachute time, is actually a treasure trove of early developmental tools. They should be able to articulate what those tools are.

Educating parents, not kids: Remember how I said your child will form these neural connections naturally? That means the educator’s job is to create the environment, provide the stimulus, and let nature do its thing. The vast majority of my time in classes was spent educating parents and keeping them from stopping the learning by rushing in to “help” their child “fix” a “problem.” Your teacher should be dropping educational one-liners on you constantly during a 45-minute class time. For example? “Grown-ups, I know peek-a-boo seems like innocuous fun but it’s actually incredibly important for helping your little one develop object permeance. That’s going to be important when you drop them off at school, when they are learning to share, and even putting toys away!”

Red flags:  If the teacher rarely addresses the parents and doesn’t use developmental terminology when they do, they may not be as well trained as you would like.

Built for kids, not parents: Children this age have very specific needs. But too often I see classrooms built to impress parents with fancy pieces of massive equipment and murals on the wall. The room should be relatively small – remember, the students are small so a big space can be overwhelming – and child-friendly with limited art or distractions on the wall so that the child can focus on the activity in front of them. Equipment should be clean, well-cared for, and designed for this age group. Not retrofitted from programs for older students. The props should also be thoughtful. For example, clean-up buckets should have clear sides so the kids can see the toys when they put them away. Remember the object permeance above? If they can’t see the toys they think they are gone forever and are less likely to let them go. Again, everything has a purpose in early education.

Red flag: Playspaces are awesome and should be a bonus to the class but they are not classrooms in and of themselves. If the biggest selling point is a multi-story, super fancy, free play space with a candy-filled ball pit and live unicorn pony rides, they are probably not investing in classroom content. Nothing wrong with these things – I love a good fun zone – but don’t pay education prices for an indoor playground.

The owner’s background and experience: This is especially important if it is a franchise. Some people start programs because they are passionate about early education and helping kids and families. Some people start programs because they think it is an easy way to make money. The owners/directors should be experienced educators and administrators. Ask about their background.

Red flag: If the owners don’t have any educational background. Often these places are “retirement” jobs for those who used to work in business or sales.

You get what you pay for: These spaces have very high overhead costs. Excellent educators need to be paid well, developing a good curriculum and keeping up to date with the latest in early educational practices cost money. Likewise, keeping a space clean and maintained, not to mention rent, utilities and supplies are expensive. The margins are very small. By far the biggest budget line item is the recurring payroll. The easiest way to improve the bottom line? Hire less experienced or unqualified teachers with big personalities and hope parents don’t notice.

Red flag: The facilities are beautiful and exciting but the cost of the program is middle of the road or low-end. They are not investing in teachers and curriculum, they are investing in facilities.

Again, great early childhood programs are priceless and well worth the investment. But too many bad actors are dressing up a poor curriculum and untrained staff, then hooking parents with scare tactics. Make sure you get what you are paying for.

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At Sunday’s International Preschool Education Conference (IPEC), literacy specialist Dr. Julie Wood led a workshop on creative teaching for beginning readers and writers. The interactive workshop was a chance for participants to learn more about dialogical reading in order to make time spent reading with children more effective and enhance creativity. The technique can be used by parents or teachers and focuses on having a conversation about the book.

Dr. Wood is also an international literacy consultant and served as a faculty member and former Director of the Jeanne Chall Reading Lab at the Harvard Graduate School of Education (HGSE). The program was founded for training teachers and reading specialists, conducting research in reading, and serving the local community. In addition to her writing featured in numerous educational publications, Dr. Wood’s published a book called Literacy Online.

“Dialogical Reading is about vocabulary, comprehension, and the enjoyment of reading,” says Dr. Wood. “We talk about the story, we ask questions, and we laugh at the jokes together because we’re having fun with the book.”

With the help of an assistant, Dr. Wood demonstrates dialogical reading for the audience. Dr. Wood acts as “parent” while her assistant plays the role of the “child.” Dr. Wood begins by showing the child two or three pre-selected books to choose from. Dr. Wood suggests regular library visits to engage children in choosing their own books. It’s important to note that the pre-selected books are level appropriate to the child’s comprehension level and that the length of the stories, sophistication of ideas and language developments should also be important considerations. Secondly, Dr. Wood allows the child one or two minutes to choose a story based on flipping through the pictures and looking at the covers. She suggests the following guiding statements and questions to parents and teachers:

Let’s look at it.
What do you think it’s going to be about?
Who do you think wrote it?
Let’s look at the back.

Once the child has chosen a book and parent and child (or teacher and children) have discussed what the story might be about, the parent can then read the story, with the pages facing the child, while asking engaging questions. In partners, the audience has the chance to try the role-play activity. For some, the technique comes naturally, while other parents and teachers find the process quite difficult. Dr. Wood says dialogical reading will become more natural the more it’s practiced. “Trying new techniques can be hard. If I say something, I want to make it important to them. We don’t want to overdo it, so try not to ask too many questions because that distracts from the story.”

Dr. Wood suggests using character voices and pantomiming techniques to further engage the child’s interest. Some children may be very verbal and let their imaginations run wild while others want to relax and have the story read to them. The most important thing to keep in mind when practicing dialogical reading techniques is that all children are different.

Tying into the IPEC conference theme of creativity, Dr. Wood holds that books can be used by parents and educators as a springboard for the child to be creative. She suggests after-reading activities such as suggesting that perhaps the book might have a different ending and asking the child to draw a picture of what that ending could be. She also suggests music and poetry as a means for children expressing creative ideas.

If you would like to try dialogical reading at home, see below for more helpful ideas as outlined by Dr. Wood.

As you read interactively with your child, make sure to ask questions. Pay special attention to interesting or colorful words. Encourage your child to be there teller of the tale.

When you are sharing an information book together, also encourage your child to share what he or she is learning. Let the child be the one who explains the important information to you.

When your child finds a book that he loves, find out if there are more like it in a series or see if the author has written other books that your child might enjoy.

Be creative! Have your child respond to the books you read together with art or music. What type of music would make a good soundtrack to this book?  What does he see in his imagination when you’re reading together?

Writing is a part of reading, the two go hand-in-hand. After you have shared a book, have your child respond in writing, either by drawing a picture of the part he liked best or help him write a word or two that captures the idea behind his illustration.

Read with others. Make reading a social event by visiting libraries and reading with the librarian and other children your child’s age or invite other children to your home to share favorite books.

Click here to read about the first IPEC workshop we attending on how to use coaching to encourage creativity.

Photo: Victoria Yang

Yesterday, we had the chance to attend two interactive workshops at the International Preschool Education Conference, (IPEC) sponsored by Etonkids Educational Group. One workshop was led by James Wright on the subject of attentive listening and how to use coaching techniques to encourage children’s creativity.

Wright is a lecturer of conferences around the world and shares insights based on technique training. He emphasizes ideals of “mutually respective communication” among parents, teachers, and children at schools and educational organizations. In particular, Wright focuses on children, paying special attention to their needs, and uses technique training to help unleash a child’s potential. He outlines the 5 levels of listening as follows:

5 Active Listening
4 Attentive Listening
3 Advising
2 Hijacking
1 Interrupting

To demonstrate the varying levels of listening, one workshop attendee agrees to share a dilemma with Wright. The audience then rates his listening on a scale of 1-10; ten being "superb listening" and one being "not good listening at all." As the volunteer proceeds to tell him her problem, Wright offers examples of all five levels of listening. He begins by interrupting, “hijacking,” or making the conversation about himself, and offering advice. He then demonstrates the difference with the two higher levels of listening; attentive and active listening.

“As a coach, I’m listening because I believe you have the answer somewhere in your brain, he says. "Try to keep a filter of thinking your child is fabulous person capable of extraordinary thinking. When someone asks me questions and wants advice, I will ask questions and maybe through those questions, help you find your answer.”

With partners, we try the activity with our own dilemmas and switch roles. Wright advocates using these questions and techniques to achieve attentive and active listening.

Tell me more?
What do you think about that?
What are your thoughts?
What else?
Permission to speak
Respect Silences

After the exercise, the audience offer their feedback on the experience trying active listening. Many felt that it was difficult not to offer their partner advice or an opinion. Some were nervous in the moments of silence and found themselves wanting to fill it.

Wright asks participants to commit to evening homework. The task is to go home and listen to your child speak for three minutes without interrupting.

“What we’re doing is looking at attention for small children. Give them your attention, even if you think they’re wrong, if you know what they’re going to say – listen and give them your attention. When they stop talking, ask them ‘what more do you think?’ It’s amazing how much people can say when they think they don’t have to be polite. Just give them a one-way conversation.”

To learn more about how to listen more effectively as parents visit James Wright’s website here.

Photo: Victoria Yang

I suppose it is human nature for a parent to marvel at how wonderful her little one is. “My Johnny is so advanced for his age. He’s already out of diapers and he just turned three!” That’s exciting news for any parent, but well behind the curve in most Asian nations where kids are cleaning up their own messes before they can walk. These types of remarks can truly spiral out of control when parents get together as they discuss feeding and sleep habits, language and motor skills, and, well, just about everything. I cannot blame parents for doing this because every book and website that discuss developmental milestones give lists of when to expect a child to begin speaking two-word phrases, eating with a fork/chopsticks, or driving a car.

But wait just a moment. The books on twins that we read all warned about how milestones are delayed with multiples, and that boy twins are the slowest. For better or worse, baby books and websites set parental expectations about how their kids will grow. In theory, this is useful knowledge to have, but it also gets parents comparing their own children to every other child. Somewhere in the recesses of the brain, we have bell curves for everything our babies will accomplish and we cling to the ones that have our kids at the top of the class and forget the ones where they are lagging behind.

On the other hand, I’ve long suspected that the developmental milestone lists out there are, how to put this mildly…dumbed down so that we parents can revel in our babies’ successes. “My Betty started walking at 14 months!” “Oh, Mindy started talking at 24 months.” Frankly, I just avoid these conversations. Otherwise, people are crushed at how advanced our kids are. Don’t believe me, just ask my wife.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia commons

As part of their Parenting Speaker Series, the Ivy Schools group has invited American parenting expert Dr Norma Leben to give a seminar from 6.30-8.30pm at the Yu Yang Hotel on October 13 (English session) and October 15 (Chinese session).

According to her website, the Hong Kong-born Dr Leben is a "licensed clinical social worker supervisor (LCSW-S) and a Registered Play Therapist Supervisor (RPT-S) and Certified Play Therapist, Professor Status (CPT)" who specializes in "therapy activites for children with ADHD, oppositional defiant disorder, conduct disorder, or traumatized by sexual abuse." She has also "created videos and books about childrens games, directive treatment methods, and effective parenting in English and Chinese" and founded the Morning Glory Treatment Center for Children in Texas in 1987. 

For this seminar, Dr Leben will focus on "Understanding Developmental Stages: Keys to Building a Solid Foundation For Your Child"to help parents better manage good behavior in their children through a system of "structure, routines, schedules, chores, rewards, and logical consequences." If you’re interested in attending, contact stella.qu@ivygroup.org with your name, your child’s name, and the number of tickets required by October 10th. Tickets cost RMB 50 per person and are free for the first ten registrants.

Click here for more information the event.