Head over to most any international school in Beijing – where classrooms are filled with kids from easily a number of different countries – and you’ll find Beijing’s very own Third Culture Kids. We’re quite familiar here in the capital with the concept of of Third Culture Kids, a term coined by American sociologist and anthropologist Ruth Hill Useem in the 1950s describe children who spend a significant portion of their lives outside of their parents’ native culture. It’s true that living abroad and moving often from one country to another can be an exciting adventure, but children can feel disconnected from their “origins” as they do not fully own their parents’ culture and create one of their own. In order to help parents understand this complex process, International SOS Beijing Clinic will hold a complimentary seminar presented by psychologist Dr. Theo A Cope next Tuesday, December 1 from 10am-11.30am.

This session will cover:

•    Different types of Third Culture Kids (referred to as TCKs)
•    Adaptation process and challenges
•    Finding balance
•    Raising multi-lingual children           
•    Advice for parents of TCKs

Seating is limited. To register, visit Email seminar@internationalsos.com

Location: International SOS Beijing Clinic

Photo: Static (flickr)
 

The world can be a scary place at times. Though parents want nothing more than to protect their kids from the ups and downs of life, they are tasked with the monumental responsibility of explaining the unexplainable to their children; from disease, death, and divorce, to natural disasters, crime, and war. It’s simply not possible to shield children from all the harsh realities of life, however, in a complimentary talk by International SOS Clinic Beijing next Thursday August 27, Dr. Stephanie Teoh will cover how parents can help children develop skills to handle adversity and life’s challenges. While parents can’t protect children from the world, they can help raise resilient children and provide them with the tools to deal with difficult times effectively with positive outcomes.

Dr. Teoh is a child health specialist at International SOS. Her talk will cover how to help children develop skills to handle stressors in a resilient way, how to recognize and help with depression, warning signs of risk-taking behaviors, and practical methods and tips to develop emotional resilience.

Date: Thursday, 27 August 2015
Time: 10am-11:30am
Cost: Free
Contact: Tel 6462 9112 or Email seminar@internationalsos.com. Seating is limited.

Read more about building emotional resilience in children here at healthyhhildren.org, a website backed by pediatricians committed to the attainment of optimal physical, mental, and social health and well-being for all infants, children, adolescents, and young adults.

Photo: makelessnoise (Flickr)

Bullying is one of those topics that is all too often swept under the rug. In last month’s issue, we delved into the sensitive subject hoping to provide parents with peace of mind about what international Beijing schools’ are doing to address the problem. We spoke to two schools about bullying: First we spoke with four high school students from the Canadian International School of Beijing (CIS) about the detrimental effects of cyber bullying and then spoke to International Montessori School of Beijing (MSB), who shared the details on their educational bullying program for students from Grade 1-6. Dr. Kristie Craigen, a Hong Kong based clinical psychologist, also spoke to us about what kids can do if they or a friend is experiencing some form of bullying. Read the interview with Dr. Craigen and find out more about MSB’s program here. In our interview with Dr. Craigen, she talks about what kids should do when encountering a bully but what can parents do if their child becomes a victim of bullying?

Flipthescriptnow.org  is a comprehensive resource for parents, students, and educators and provides valuable anti-bullying resources. The website also gives tips for parents to tell whether their child is the victim of bullying or if their child may be bullying themselves. Below are 10 suggestions on a parent’s role in children’s behavior.

“Teach Pro-Social Behavior– Parents can help their children learn ways to handle their anger, frustration, or other negative feelings. Some kids take these feelings out on other children because they don’t know better ways to cope. Model good behavior, and teach children how to resolve conflict in non-aggressive ways.
Promote Extracurricular Activities– Encourage children to pursue interests outside of school. This helps kids build their confidence, introduces them to like-minded peers and shows them that their experience in school does not set the stage for the rest of their life.
Assure Help Will Come– Concern over exacerbating the problem often prevents children from reporting bullying to adults. Assure your child he or she made the right choice by telling you, and then prove it to them by dealing with the situation in a responsible and confidential way.
Stand Strong for Safe Schools– Bullying is another term to describe youth violence. If you feel that your child’s school is not able to manage the bullying that is occurring, engage your local police department in helping raise awareness of the seriousnessof this issue an teaching schools ways to manage aggressive youth.
Set Boundaries with Technology– Educate your child on appropriate online behavior and supervise their activities online. Set up proper filters and place computers in public areas. Cell phones and the Intenet should be privileges that can be lost when not used properly.
Be Familiar with New Technology– Kids art often more savvy than adults today regarding technology. It’s important to familiarize yourself with the technology, social networking websites, and other online resources that are popular among youth today.
Stay Informed About Your Child’s Life– In addition to maintaining open lines of communication, keep up to date on your child’s friendship’s and where and with whom he or she spends time, both in and out of school.
Maintain Open Communication– Maintaining an open and honest dialogue between you and your child about their lives increases the likelihood they will turn to you when they need help. Try approaching your child in an interested and non-judgmental way.
Advocate Reporting Antisocial Behavior– Bullying is any sort of non acceptable behavior. Teach your child that telling on those who bully is not considered tattling. Even if your child is not being bullied, he or she can learn the value of helping others in trouble.
Build Empathy– The ability to put one self in someone else’s shoes can be a powerful ally against bullying. Talk with your children about how they think it feels to be pushed down the stairs, ridiculed in front of a group of kids, excluded from an activity, etc.”

Photo: daneeliz (Google Images)

Anna McKay, a career and life coach as well as a practitioner of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, will lead the workshop. McKay will cover personality type and discuss how introverts and extroverts can better interact to improve communication among families. This will not only enhance parent-child relationships, but also help attending parents recognize their own personality types so they can learn how to recharge, as well as understand how their personalities influence their parenting style.

I was shocked to hear from a parent that a recent email had been circulated condoning smacking young children.

My Danish friends tell me they would never hit their children. Hitting children has been banned there for decades and it is not the only country. However when I ask what many parents do instead, they tell me they often yell.

Without effective parenting strategies yelling easily becomes the alternative. Hitting and yelling are not strategies for a peaceful world. They do not build respect and children either respond with fear or rebellion.

Hitting and yelling are abusive and bullying. Yet it is with good intentions that many parents use these strategies to try to train their child’s positive behaviors. 

If you worked in an environment where your boss bullied you to train you, I suspect your disrespect would eventually lead you not to stay. Like your children, you would either choose to fight (answer back, undermine, tell lies, manipulate, gossip, displace your upset by bossing others around, build up your defenses by acting tough like you don’t care) or flight (ignore, give up on yourself, feel incompetent, lose performance ability because of fear, or become a follower).

The more physical punishment and verbal abuse used in the household the more that children learn that force is the way to get what they want from others (siblings, friends, playground, and eventually work life, relationships, and their own children).

Parents I speak with do not feel good administering physical punishments but do not know alternatives. So what are the alternatives and what should you do?

Decide that a peaceful world starts with a peaceful you and peaceful family. Prioritize using peaceful, effective and assertive communication methods for the immediate and long -term benefits for your children.  This does not mean being permissive.

Transfer the effective communication skills you use in the workplace to family life, like listening, assertive communication, and win-win skills. Emotional intelligence is as important if not more so than IQ.

Reexamine your expectations. Expecting perfection of your children and your parenting can lead to your feeling out of control if your measurements fall short. Apologize if you ‘lose it’ and start again.

Spend joyful time both one-on-one and as a family. Positive behavior and respectful communication happens in children and families when there is both quality and quantity time.

Listen to your children and acknowledge their feelings when they have problems or are upset. They will be more likely to listen to you when you have a problem with their behavior. Children build up defensive coping strategies like resistance, whining, manipulating when they don’t feel heard or respected. If you want them to change you have to change.

When you find your child’s behavior unacceptable be assertive like you would with a friend or colleague: say how you feel, explain the behavior that upsets you in a non-blameful way and the effect this has on you. This is called an I-message. No need to plead or be apologetic. State your needs with the energy of assertiveness.

Recently a parent got this confused and wrote to me to say, “My parents tell me that this active listening approach is all useless. My kids show no respect for me as they don’t listen to me. My dad was like, you need to show authority. So, I have started to smack both kids on the bottom and on the legs due to the pressure from my parents.”

Her father is right, providing he means authority that is assertive not aggressive. Effective teachers learn to manage classrooms of children by being assertive.

Use the energy of assertiveness – it is confident, secure, relaxed yet firm. Children feel secure around this energy. The energy of aggression is angry, out of control, forceful, uptight. Children learn to defend themselves.

Authority comes from mutual respect. If you are constantly finding fault and being critical no amount of listening will build respect. Give positive feedback for what you love about your child.

With little children show them what they can do. If you don’t want them jumping on the lounge, show them where they can jump. Little children are still learning about what is acceptable and unacceptable and you can acknowledge their need and guide them respectfully.

When there are conflicts think of them as useful ways to role model peaceful, effective win-win communication. Invest your time in studying and applying effective parenting strategies. It will pay off personally, in your family, your relationships and work place. The course I highly recommend is Dr. Thomas Gordon’s Parent Effectiveness Training. Dr. Gordon was nominated three times for a Nobel Peace Prize for his work throughout the world. Learn more here.

All I am saying, in the words of John Lennon, is “Give peace a chance.”

Kathryn Tonges is a Beijing-based PET parenting expert. To find out more, e-mail her at kathryn.tonges@gmail.com.