Father’s Day always sneaks up on me by surprise.  Growing up, I moved so often that I still don’t have a good grasp of when Father’s Day is. I know June 19^th is the American Father’s Day (thanks to good ol’ American commercialism), and I remember that August 8^th is the Chinese Father’s Day (mainly because it’s a homonym for baba). I also know that the Father’s Day my dad celebrates is neither, but I have a tough time remembering when that one is because, like Mother’s Day, it changes every year.

I just looked it up, and this year it apparently falls on November 13^th (exactly 6 months after mother’s day for the sake of equality). [Here’s a list of dates for Father’s Day around the world.]

What normally happens every year is that I know I won’t remember the correct Father’s Day, so when marketing campaigns in the US remind me for months at a time that Father’s Day is coming (another reason to shop! More sales!), I just send my dad an e-card so he knows that I did think of him at a Father’s Day, even if it wasn’t the right one.  Sure, I hear some grumbling around Christmas about the missed November Father’s Day, but then I remind him that he received a card when he least expected it—and wasn’t that a nice surprise? Daddies are easily appeased.

This year, I could actually celebrate Father’s Day Sunday with my dad.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t celebrate this Father’s Day.  Most of Beijing does, though, and I realized that my husband, who’d only get to celebrate his second Father’s Day, will not be able to celebrate with our son.  Actually, we haven’t discussed which holidays we’ll celebrate, and it’s not like my son has a clue that he’s missing out on daddy-son bonding time (that doesn’t begin till he enters a school, I think), so I suppose it’s not a big deal.

Besides, it probably won’t be the first Father’s Day that my husband misses given the amount of traveling he does for work. I travel for work as well, and I recently read an article about a mother who travels between two cities so that her children from a previous marriage can remain with their father and community, while she treks for hours each week to her new husband and infant (splitting her time in two locations).  Maybe long-distance is the new modern family.

Whether you agree or not, I think Father’s Day should still be celebrated, even if the father in your family is far away—it’s only fair! I would still be expecting something even if I were away. So, I’ve gone ahead and rounded up “digital gifts” that we can still make and send in time for Father’s Day this Sunday, June 19th:

A quick gift for the Busy Dad:

• Call him. Better yet, video call him via Skype, Face Time, or WeChat.
• Send an e-card! Choose one that will fit your Dad’s personality. I picked a music video e-card where you can paste your dad’s face on it, and then I made a rap video of my husband (subscription required).
• That book your dad’s wanted to read? Buy him an e-book on iBooks or Kindle and send it to his email!
• Make a music playlist to either educate your dad on “what’s in”, or to satisfy his own musical tastes, on a site like 8tracks and send him a link!
• Create an animated emoticon of your dad’s face (or your face) and send it to him via WeChat! Here’s another one you can try!
• Play a game together online (either multiplayer, or just the two of you) via computer or even mobile. WeChat has a selection of free games you can compete on, but there’s also Words with Friends (iOS), Chess, Monopoly, Beyond Speed Limits (Android), Pogo, etc.

A personalized gift for the Sentimental Dad:

• What would be the perfect Father’s Day with Daddy? What would you want to do? Go to the movies? Visit the arcade? Go to Happy Valley? Hit the pool?  Plan your perfect day, then on Saturday, take your phone or camcorder (or gopro, if you have one) and record your own video tour. Remember to talk to your dad like he’s right there with you. At the end of the day, edit the footage and send it to daddy so that he’ll know what he’s missing out on!
• Plan a movie date for Father’s Day by choosing a movie on Netflix, or other similar site, and then watch it simultaneously while connected via video chat.
• Start writing a Twitter-like digital letter (on your phone) when you wake up on Father’s Day, and then add one sentence at a time to it throughout the day with a “location”. You can do this via WeChat with location pins, the occasional sight, or a photo snapshot as well.
• If your dad likes fishing, schedule a fishing trip early in the morning, and sit together while connected via video or voice (WeChat, Skype, Face Time, or a simple phone call will do).
• Reflect on what your dad nags at you to do the most, and then make him personalized vouchers or coupons, whether digital or printed out, and promise that you’ll do the chores when he presents the coupons. Find a sample here.
• If Daddy’s going to be gone for a while, or is often away, create a digital photo album for him to browse and remember you by (because Facebook is too much of a distraction). The same pictures you’ve selected can be made into a calendar, photo book, t-shirt, mug, or cellphone cover at your local print shop (a gift for when he returns!)

A screenshot of my husband’s rap video e-card

Photos: courtesy of Jessica Suotmaa, Flickr, Sage Ross, BPhoenix

For the Father’s Day issue, bejingkids wants to pay tribute to the Beijing men who love their spouses and kids but live apart from them. Whether for health, educational, or financial reasons, many families elect to stay, move, or return overseas to live. Because of ongoing global economic instability and the wealth of financial opportunities in China, more and more fathers find themselves living here on their own. These long-distance families face unique challenges and pressures.

We spoke to American Wesley Ingram, branch manager of Links Moving Beijing, about his experience of being separated from his wife and son, and his advice for other fathers in the same position.

Ingram and his Chongching-born wife Demi Yang became a couple in 2005. They married in 2008 and set up house in Chengdu. Over two years ago, the Ingram-Yang family made the difficult decision to live separately, with Yang and their son Ennis (now age 4) moving to Mesa, Arizona just outside of Phoenix, and Ingram relocating to Shanghai on his own, where he lived and worked for a year and half before moving to Beijing earlier this year.

The family spends all of their vacation time together. “This winter, I got lucky and I had a month vacation in Arizona as part of my start-up package with Links,” says Ingram. “As far as the coming years go, it’ll be back to two weeks.” Yang and Ennis will visit Beijing for two and half months this summer, arriving in early June. While they are here, the family will decide whether to live together in Beijing or continue with their current arrangement.

Worlds Apart
The decision to live apart was a multi-faceted one. Yang wanted Ennis to start pre-school at age 3, and convinced Ingram that getting an early start in the US would benefit their son’s learning and socialization abilities. Yang was adamant that Ennis needed to be around other kids in an environment where he would learn English, and understand how to play, share, and interact with people outside their immediate family.

“It’s been very healthy for my son to have gone to the US and to have spent some time there. Prior to living in the US, his English ability wasn’t up to par because we spoke mainly Chinese at home,” says Ingram. “It’s also been a big benefit to have him around other children in an environment where they’re asked to respect each other in a different way. In Arizona there’s a mix of interracial kids who look very different and come from different ethnic backgrounds. It’s been really good for him to be around diverse children. He’s improved really quickly on his social skills.”

In Arizona, Yang works as a special needs teaching assistant and rents a house a short drive away from Ingram’s parents. Ennis attends kindergarten at Yang’s workplace, which lowers the cost of education significantly.

“When we were looking at [the possibility of]them coming out to Shanghai, we visited some international schools. His school in Arizona is just as high quality as a lot of the international schools we checked out, but the cost is minimal in comparison to what it would be here. Although he attends a public school, they still pay because he’s less than 6 years old. It’s a paid program but because [Yang’s] an employee of the school district, they’re given a discounted rate.”

The couple also took into account the issue of pollution in China. While living in Chengdu, Ennis developed respiratory issues. “He had constant coughs; allergies were always an issue. The international doctor that we went to said that it was probably due to him playing outside all the time – not just because of [air pollution caused by cars and industry]but also due to construction putting a lot of dust in the air,” explains Ingram.

Yang knew that neither Chengdu, Shanghai, nor Beijing could match the air quality in Arizona. “My wife had spent enough time in the US near my parents’ place to be familiar with the living conditions there,” says Ingram.

Living so close to Ingram’s parents also means they can play an active role in Ennis’ upbringing; he spends two to three nights a week with his grandparents. They ferry him to and from swimming lessons and soccer practice, and on the nights that he sleeps over, Yang gets some time alone to decompress. “Being by herself, she’s like a single mom, so to have a day or two for herself is important,” says Ingram.

Keeping in Touch
The family uses a variety of methods to keep in touch. Ingram talks to his wife and son via Skype or WeChat Video Call at least twice a week, and exchanges emails and SMS with them daily or every other day. Email correspondence mostly addresses practical concerns: school issues, finances, banking, house maintenance, and other day-to-day chores, while video calls are the main conduit for family time.

“It is quite difficult to keep a 4-year-old’s attention for very long. Forced phone calls definitely are tough, so it’s really been a blessing to have

and just watch him. He doesn’t have to sit there and answer me; we interact while he plays with his toys. It’s a kind of interaction that wasn’t possible years ago. I see what he’s doing, and we can interact in a way that similar to how it would be if I was really sitting at the table watching him play,” says Ingram.

When it comes to parenting, Ingram’s responsibilities have had to change, with Yang playing a larger role. “She makes the final decisions on most things because she’s the mother and because she’s there. We talk everything through together and try to come up with solutions, but the implementation largely comes down to her,” he says.

Ingram recognizes that it can be difficult for his wife. “When Ennis and I are together, I want it to be fun and I want him to like me. She’s looked at as the bad guy because she’s the one that disciplines him; on that level, I’m not as involved. It’s quite tough on her. My wife has pointed that out and I’ve done my best to up my game to take the burden off her.”

Finding Balance
Currently, Ingram’s life in Beijing revolves around work, although he recognizes that’s something that he will need to adjust. “I’m in the first couple of months here, so I’m focused on my job. I don’t have to worry about late nights or working on weekends because I have nothing else to do. That’s a major bonus at the moment; whereas I think when they get here I’ll save some blocks of time during the week when I can be there for dinner. But I also have an obligation to my office; I can’t all of a sudden just cut back my hours and start leaving every day at 6pm.”

The fact that he has just moved here and must shoulder an intense workload means Ingram hasn’t invested much time in his social life so far. “During the week it’s work and a little bit of television. To be honest, I don’t have much of a support network. I eat out almost every night. I guess that’s my way to relax. I usually have a drink and a nice meal somewhere, and then go home,” he says. “I have a couple of friends here whom I’ve known for a while, and I’ll meet up with them at the weekend and have a drink. The activity I do is walking. I take a half hour or hour at night and walk around and check out the neighborhood.”

The hardest part of being apart from his family is missing out on the minutiae of Ennis’ day-to-day life. “He changes what he likes before we’ve had another phone call. That’s quite difficult. I feel like I’m always talking about something that he liked last week. That can happen in person too, but the distance and the fact that we don’t speak as often amplifies it,” says Ingram.

He also worries about Ennis’ state of mind. “I didn’t see my father a lot when I was young. The hardest thing for me is imagining what Ennis’ probably feeling about that,” he says. “We try our best to explain to him that I have to work. He’s asked, ‘Does Daddy not like living with us?’ So we’ve made sure he knows I love him, but that my job is here and that a job is an important thing. That’s been a test, though. He’s 4, so his level of understanding is pretty basic: I’m not there.”

Ingram is not just a long-distance dad; he’s a long-distance husband. “Maintaining our relationship has been tougher,” he says. “There’s no intimacy; not just no sex, but you’re not touching or hugging. The only way you can express yourself is through words and I’m not naturally a very open person. I’ve had to work on being more sensitive and expressive – just having conversations where I tell her how I feel about her. It’s too easy to get into the habit of relating to each other as parents rather than as a couple. So we’ve been working at having conversations after Ennis has gone to sleep, where we don’t discuss parenting or finances or family. We just talk about things that are fun, or what she’s up to, or how she’s feeling.”

Living apart is still heart-wrenching for Ingram. “It’s much easier than it was in the first couple of months of the first year, that’s for sure. But it’s still very difficult not being able to see each other.  It’s been a constant consideration. Is the priority work or family? And is it really worth it if they’re not going to be here?” he asks. He would love to reunite the family in Beijing.

So, Ingram and Yang will use this summer holiday to assess the feasibility of family life here by visiting schools, finding a good ayi, and exploring all the arrangements they would need to make for Ennis. Even if Yang feels comfortable making the move, she and their son will return to Arizona for at least one more semester.

“If it was up to me, of course I would want them here. I’m trying to talk them into coming here to stay full-time. But I understand where my wife is coming from. I agree with her on a lot of levels, especially about the livability factors for our son. It’s really going to have to be a joint decision. My wife is open to the idea at this point of coming to live in Beijing. She’s not very happy about it, but she’s open to it whereas she wasn’t before,” he says. “I need Beijing to seed the clouds for the entire summer so my wife decides to stay.”

Stories like the Ingram-Yang family’s are becoming increasingly common among expat families. The good news is that, contrary to received wisdom and popular opinion, a 2004 study of 200 long-distance couples led by Purdue University found that separation does not make couples more likely to divorce or engage in extramarital affairs. Similarly, a 2013 study by researchers at Queens University, Ontario found that individual and relationship characteristics rather than geographical proximity were the predictors of a happy partnership. Nevertheless, we wish all our readers – and most especially the Ingram-Yang family – clear blue skies and sunshine all summer long.

Ingram’s Advice for Long-Distance Dads
Be prepared: “You have to have a solid foundation in your relationship. It helps if you’ve been together for a longer period of time. We have trust and that’s why we’re still married. We’re partners; we’re equals. There’s got to be trust on both sides: in the relationship and in each other. It’s a relationship that had a lot of time behind it; we approach separation differently because we’ve known each other a long time.”

Prioritize communication: “As the expat in the relationship, you bear a little more responsibility: a wife and child overseas are the ones busy running around living family life. Set times and make sure you keep your word. Commit to communicating at least every other day. You have to push yourself to put the time in”

Have alone time with your partner: “[Yang] calls me at times when [Ennis is] not around, and we just chat.”

Find healthy ways to socialize: “Join a gym or a team, play sports – it gives you a reason to get healthy, feel good, and release stress. Plus you can go and have a drink after. You get it all.”

This article originally appeared in the June 2014 issue of beijingkids. To find out where to get your free copy, email distribution@truerun.com or view it on Issuu.

Photos by Sui

As the capital of the world’s most populous country, Beijing attracts a diverse group of people to live and work. For Father’s Day this year, we interviewed four dads with interesting backgrounds and jobs about their adoptive, multicultural, and multilingual family experiences. Their answers revealed a lot about them and the love they have for their children, and what a wonderful experience being a father in Beijing can be. Part one of this two-part post features Dominic Johnson-Hill and Carl Setzer.

Dominic Johnson-Hill
British-born Dominic Johnson-Hill is the father of four girls: Prudence (age 13), Winnie (9), Rosie (7), and Betsy (4). One is adopted, one is from a previous marriage, and two are from his second marriage. Johnson-Hill is the founder of Plastered T-Shirts, along with doing TV work and a radio show. He and his wife Laura Hutchinson have both been in Beijing for over 15 years.

You have four children, including one multi-cultural child and one adopted child. Are their needs noticeably different and do they present significant challenges, one from the other?
All kids’ needs are very different, whether adopted, from a previous marriage, or biologically. In our case, it’s all these little imperfections that make us a beautifully perfect family. The girls have a great understanding of this. The cereal box family only exists on the cereal box; the mom is probably in therapy, the father is running around, and the kids are about to grow up and become … cereal box models.

We get a lot of questions from people, especially Chinese who are refreshingly direct about the make-up of our family. It is interesting to see people’s reaction when I tell them that I have four daughters from three mothers.

You’re raising all of your children in China. What’s great about Beijing as a city for children?
Children are truly cherished in China, more so than in the UK. Living in Beijing, we like to take our kids with us to restaurants. They join us often in the evenings for dinners and social occasions. We choose restaurants like Saffron where the punters are mostly Chinese. This way, no one complains about the kids being there – in fact, they love it.

In the UK, it’s really frowned upon; you would get a lot of shushing or rolling of eyes if you brought your under 12-year-olds out with you and were making some noise. Human relationships are quite complex in China, but with kids it’s very pure and sweet. It’s through our kids that we got to meet a lot of people, especially when we lived in the hutongs.

You’re quite a busy guy, between TV, radio, and Plastered T-Shirts. How do you find time for the kids in all that?
I finish work at 6pm along with everyone else at Plastered HQ. We fine staff for working overtime; it’s important to know how to close doors and enjoy life at home without stressing about work stuff. Weekends are sacred. It’s family time, and we have a place in the mountains that we run away to and turn off the phones.

Having four [kids], it’s also important to get one-on-one with the girls from time to time. All six of us live in an apartment we bought in Hepingli that is only 69sqm, so we know each other very well and we are a very strong family thanks to this.

Do the children help generate ideas for Plastered designs? Do you see things thanks to them that you might not otherwise notice?
The kids are a massive inspiration for me, as is anyone that brings me so much happiness and love. If you look at the back of our Nanluogu Xiang store, you will see a stained glass window of Deng Xiaoping; Prudence gave me this idea. We also did one of Lei Feng that now sits in the Chicago Museum of Stained Glass Windows.

The kids have taught me that immaturity should be celebrated, as immaturity and creativity are directly linked. The conundrum is that kids have the creative ideas without the skills to make them happen. We adults, as we grow, lose our creative edge but gain the skills.

What’s the best experience you’ve had so far in Beijing as a father?
Living in a shared courtyard for ten years on Nanluogu Xiang. We shared the courtyard with four families, all of whom we became very close with. We set up a small store on the street and we were a big part of its change. That was an incredible experience, being part of a community and changing the lives of many.

Kang Ayi, who still works in our store to this day eight years on, was one of those neighbors. Our kids grew up in her home – when they got back from school, they rarely came home once they walked into the courtyard. They would think [about]who was cooking what, at what time of year, then chose carefully where to eat their dinner and came home later. This is socialism with Chinese characteristics – or is it the China Dream?

Knowing what you know now, would you have done anything different?
We looked at a courtyard house on Baochao Hutong in 2004 and could have bought it for RMB 2 million. We were flat broke at the time, but that would have been a nice place for the kids to grow up – not to mention a great investment maybe worth millions of dollars now. But in terms of how we’ve raised the kids, I wouldn’t have done anything differently.

What advice would you give to other fathers in Beijing?
My wife and I always felt it was important to help our kids feel that they belong here, which can be tough. Getting involved with community is important, making an effort with neighbors so that the kids are not just international kids, but a part of the fabric of Beijing. Our kids speak fluent Chinese and that’s something that comes quite easily to most [international]kids growing up here. The hard bit is making them feel a sense of belonging and having that come through making an effort and showing respect.

Carl Setzer
Carl Setzer is the co-founder and master brewer at Great Leap Brewing, which he co-founded with his wife, Liu Fang. They have a son, 3-year-old Robby. Setzer has lived in Beijing for six years.

Tell us about raising a multicultural child in Beijing.
Raising a multicultural child in Beijing can be one of the most satisfying experiences you can imagine, and then in five minutes it can crush your spirit. The biggest pro would be the overwhelming access to some of the greatest people in one space at one time. To have those people take a real interest in your child and see how their life helps your child shape a wildly unique view of the world is great.

Would Beijing be your city of choice to raise a child, all things considered?
I think that there are two sides of this city that make you love the good side that much more. There’s blue sky Beijing and there’s “do I really need to try and get a 3-year-old to wear this mask?” Beijing. On the blue sky days, I could see Robby falling in love, getting married, and starting a family here. But since the question is “all things considered,” I do feel like there might be a child abuse charge in my future back in the US if they find out that I made him live through the AQI 900 days in 2012.

Being in the restaurant/hospitality industry, do the hours put a strain on parenting?
Robby’s sleeping habits kind of match up with mine and Liu Fang’s. The best days of the week are when we get home before he conks out. The worst are when we have to carry him to his bed and imagine what spending time with him that night would’ve showed us about his little personality. Some days I do wish that Beijingers would finally just start drinking at 9am so I can get home before dinner.

You have some extended family living with you. How much does it help – or not help – with child rearing?
My wife’s grandparents have lived with us since a year after we got married. They are as solid as they come and make our life much easier than if they weren’t with us. That being said, grandparents and great-grandparents – no matter where they are from – have one goal in life, and that is to undo everything that you are trying to teach your kid. It’s a constant struggle, because if they had their way [Robby] would already weigh 50kg and stay in diapers until he’s 13.

Was there any trepidation about starting a family in Beijing?
We weren’t planning on it, so…no? In all honesty, Beijing has been great for Robby and [my wife and I’s]marriage. The people here are great and it’s very easy to find a support group or network if you are struggling with something. I made the decision to leave my well-paying job to start Great Leap Brewing when [Liu Fang] was just hitting the second trimester. That was a stressful bit, but we had great friends to help us through.

Is there any obvious advantage to having a son here? Do you notice a difference in the way Robby is treated?
I think that Liu Fang’s grandparents really wanted a great-granddaughter, so there was no pressure to have a boy. But I would say that seeing a little guy try to figure out life in the thralls of Beijing has been very eye-opening for how I was raised and what things really are most important. But in general, I don’t think boys and girls have it any different in Beijing as long as the family wasn’t putting too much pressure on the gender outcome of their birth.

What advice would you give to other fathers in Beijing?
I’d have three points. Education: Don’t think too much about the price of international schools and tuition and the like, because if you worry about it too early on it can put you through hell. Intercultural marriages: Don’t let your mother-in-law convince your wife to sit the yuezi [a traditional post-partum period when new mothers are permitted to do very little, including bathe]and not shower for 30 days. That can ruin your marriage. Always treat your elders with respect, but show that you are leading your family by always listening to concerns but not bending to superstitions. Drinking: Take it easy on the alcohol. Trade liquor for craft beer. You’ll be much better off in the end.

This article originally appeared in the June 2014 issue of beijingkids. To find out where to get your free copy, email distribution@truerun.com or view it on Issuu.

Photos by PIXSTUDIO

Being a trailing spouse can be a hard gig. Former beijingkids columnist Alan Paul knows this well; his wife landed a great job with the Wall Street Journal’s bureau in Beijing and they picked up and went – taking their three kids along with them.