Beijing has many fascinating events for Women’s Day 2019. But one of the most intriguing invites us to think about men – and their role as fathers to daughters. BARE’s conference “How to Empower Women as Daughters?” brings together four fathers and four daughters, to share stories about this crucial relationship and the role it plays in women’s lives.

“BARE is about creating a safe space for people to be completely themselves, to share their doubts, their fears, ask for help, complain, because that’s how you relate to each other,” said Helena Javitte, one of the event’s organizers. “You remove all the labels, the status, the public image, you stop pretending and you just talk from an individual to another, so I wanted to have dads open up and share their visions and their tips.”

Helena Javitte

“Through BARE events people can connect and openly talk about the challenges behind success,” added Dorothe Stahljans, who works with Javitte on the project. “And also define for themselves what being successful means. The events provide good tools for your professional career, but also for your private life. In that way, you get new input to get out of the daily worries that we are so often stuck within, and we find a way to show vulnerability.”

Dorothe Stahljans

But why dads, we asked?

“People could argue that I should have invited mothers as well,” Javitte said. “But I believe it’s quite rare to have men and dads open up about their doubts. So I wanted to have dads open up and share their visions and their tips, and I hope we’ll have lots of dads coming to ask questions to other dads and be reassured that it’s OK to feel like you are not good enough.”

It was an expression of vulnerability of this kind that inspired the event, Javitte told us, when she was talking to a Beijing entrepreneur about his daughters.

“And he said that he sometimes isn’t sure if he is doing a good job. Knowing him and how he connects with his four daughters as individuals, I thought it was crazy that a dad like him would have any doubts.”

We asked what people could expect if they came along to the conference.

“They can expect concrete tips and anecdotes from dads, and different visions from dads.
They can expect emotional stories, but also different perspectives from women; about what it means to be strong, for instance.”

All are welcome to the event, Javitte said, “children, parents, moms and dads, young men and young women…” But she particularly hopes men will attend.

“2019 for BARE is the year of men; I want to involve them more.”

Tickets for the conference cost RMB 70. Previous BARE events have sold out, so early registration is recommended! Use the QR code below to book your place.

Photos: courtesy of BARE

A new Dads’ group on WeChat has proved to be a much needed resource.
While there are many groups and networks for Moms, Beijing babas have had nowhere to get together and talk about the issues that matter to them — until now.

A WeChat group chat set up by beijingkids attracted over 100 members in less than 48 hours, and continues to grow. Already there have been lively discussions about school choices, crying babies, passport issues for dual nationality kids, and how to manage your offspring’s screen time. There may also have been a certain amount of conversation about whisky, sport, and fast cars…

Plans have been laid for the group to meet in real life. A barbeque has already been organized, and there is talk of drinks nights and discount cards.

The group reflects the diversity of the international community, in terms of nationality, careers, and family composition. Many commented on the fact that their partners were members of similar groups, which they found really useful, and they were pleased to find a space of their own. One dad said: “Man this is the busiest wechat group I’ve been part of in a while… Guess us guys never get a word in edgewise at home”!

Dads who want to join the group are urged to hurry. WeChat’s rules limit the size of group chats to 500 people. The rules also stipulate that to join groups with over 100 members, you need to have a mobile number and bank card linked to your WeChat account. If you’re a father living in Beijing, and want to join the group, you can contact us at beijingkids, or use this QR code:

Photo: Petras Gagilas

Let me preface what I am about to write by saying that I consider the institution of motherhood to be unparalleled in the universe. Sure, I can appreciate the whole fatherhood thing but we dads are basically are like a guy who helps carry in the groceries for a dinner party for 20 people and then tells the guests he helped his wife with the cooking (okay, I took out the garbage too). My point is that moms have a connection with babies that dads can rarely fathom let alone hope to match.

So the irony was not lost on me the first time I retrieved Ryder from his crib during the night, handed him to his mother as I went to make a bottle of milk, and he cried out, “Baba,” in his perfectly clear, cute little baby voice. My wife thought it was so endearing that he wanted his baba to carry him. However, I could sense an underlying question too: "Why doesn’t he want to be comforted by his mama?"

Naturally, being scientifically minded (see last week’s physics blog for more evidence) I decided to test this new development. Sure enough, at different times and various circumstances, Ryder wanted to be carried by his father if he had the choice. At first, I was as mystified by this as anyone. Why should he prefer my hard, bony shoulder to rest his head upon over his mother’s more comfortable one?

Certainly he might be won over (as most are) by his father’s stunning good looks and winning charm, but I am humble enough to admit that those (however convincing) are likely not the cause. No, I suspect the answer is bacon. Specifically, the bag of bacon I keep in my hip pocket. Not only does this make me endearing to my own children, it also works wonders on the neighborhood dogs too.

Some mothers might take this deferential preference for Baba as a sign of rejection, but Savvy knows it is not that.  Besides, there is still another boy eagerly awaiting her arms. Personally, I suspect he may be a vegetarian.

 Photo courtesy of LisaW123 (Flickr)

I’m the man of the house. Don’t believe me; just ask the six females in my household. There are a great many tasks that only the man can do around the home. For example, no one seems to be able to do the laundry quite as well as I do. Go figure. If a toy is broken, it ends up on my desk for repairs. It might take weeks, but I fix it (or throw it away once it has been forgotten). Not surprisingly, I’m also the only one who leans out to clean outside windows. That’s right; these are tough, arduous tasks that have long been the domain of manly men.

Now, I’m adding one more task to the man-pile: baby nail cutting. For reasons wholly unknown to me, no one is willing to cut the nails of our twin boys (now 9 months).

When our daughter was a tiny tot, we had a neighbor who could cut all ten of her fingernails in the time it took me to retrieve the nail clippers. It was so staggeringly quick that we took our daughter to her simply to marvel at her speed and accuracy. Alas, we moved and that solution is long gone.

These days, the task falls to me, and I have taken up the mantle of responsibility with the same urgency that I apply to broken toys. Of course I will cut their nails … eventually.

The only problem is that I’m sometimes so busy doing other manly things about the house that I neglect to cut the tiny nails on my boys’ fingers and toes. This can result in babies and adults being lacerated by their tiny, razor sharp claws. The reason this is my responsibilities at all is that the ladies of the house are a bit faint of heart when it comes to the prospect of accidentally nipping baby fingers or toes.

Frankly speaking, this is one responsibility that few talk about before the birth of a baby. I’ve seen couples being brought to tears fighting over who should cut a baby’s nails. The problem is that it takes a steady hand and keen eyesight. My hands are steady like a photographer’s, but I give thanks every day to the people who invented autofocus.

Consequently, every week (or two), you will find me pinning down an arm or a leg and trying to distract two squirmy babies while maintaining Zen-like calm as I attempt to pare down all 40 nails. It’s dangerous work, but when it’s over, the boys immediately show their appreciation and reach out for mama.

Photo by Christopher Lay

To coincide with our October 2012 issue on pregnancy, a dad (who asked to remain anonymous) who is part of the Baby Cafe community shared some advice for new fathers.

1. Mom will need more support than you think.
Before the baby arrived, our focus was solely on the birth. How would we know if she was in labor? How would we get to the hospital? What if it was the middle of the night? But we thought very little about what it would be like after the baby was born. Yes, we bought the pack and play (where we thought she would sleep), some diapers, bottles, even a breast pump, but the fact is, we had no clue what it would be like to take care of the baby. We just thought labor would be the hard part and it would be (relatively) downhill from there.

But after the baby is born, there is, of course, the joy at having a child, but it can also be very challenging – especially for Mom, who is likely the primary caregiver. Mom will probably need to devote more time than expected to taking care of the baby (try 18 hours a day). This will leave little time for the other parts of her routine that make Mom happy: getting coffee, going to the gym, responding to emails, doing work, and more.

In addition, there will be anxiety. Is the baby ok? Why is she crying? Can she sleep in that position safely? Add in a little sleep deprivation, and it can become just a little bit stressful. In short, Mom will need support: from you, from other family members, from women who have children, and more.

Be prepared for that, and do everything you can to take stress away from her. Take care of the cleaning and cooking, hold the baby when she’s fed but needs to be burped, and other similar measures. And keep telling Mom that she is doing a good job! All of the difficulties are normal and are not a sign that she is doing something wrong or is a bad mother.

2. It can be challenging to get the hang of breastfeeding for both mother and baby.
We thought that, because breastfeeding was natural and babies had done it for centuries, it would be easy to accomplish. In fact, getting the hang of breastfeeding took us about three weeks, and there was a lot of stress and frustration during the process. The baby may hurt Mom, he or she may refuse to take, it may seem that milk isn’t coming (or that too much is), the breasts may become infected, and so on.

I say this not to scare you, but to let you know that you very well may need help and support to get breastfeeding going, and this support will likely have to come from someone who knows breastfeeding (probably not your parents, especially if they didn’t breastfeed you). The number of people who really understand breastfeeding is shockingly low (doctors, for example, do not, and you can expect no support from nurses).

One thing we found is that in breastfeeding the difference between success and complete frustration is very subtle; sometimes, it’s just a slightly different position for the baby that makes the difference between a screaming frustrated infant and a well-fed and happy baby. Get people to help you with these tips and tricks.

By the way, we are now at five weeks and after three to four weeks of various breastfeeding challenges, the baby is now feeding beautifully. Mom is only in pain for the initial latch, and no nipple shields are required. Truly amazing to think we are here after the experience of the first few weeks!

3. You will need help. Don’t be afraid to ask for it.
I’ve probably made things sound more negative than they are; having a baby has been a wonderful and joyous event for our family. But you will need support, and don’t be afraid to ask for it.

Between BJU’s Jennifer [LeCleir] and of course Anne [Hemsley] herself – and all the resources, from books to Chinese breast masseurs that they can introduce you to – there is enough support out there. Make sure to reach out to them. They will reassure you that your experience is totally normal.

If you have a parent who is willing to be with you for a few weeks, by all means take them up on it! Dads, consider an extra long paternity leave. Reach out; you will need help and support, and you should be sure to get it.

Congratulations, and good luck!

Photo by Kelly Sue via Flickr

Growing up in the United States during the 1950s, Michael Killfoil recalls: “My father worked, my mother worked. There was no stay-at-home dad. There was no stay-at-home mom. There was a mom who ran the house like a drill sergeant, and the dad never got involved in any of it.”

That concept of fatherhood was redefined when Killfoil himself, now 68, became a stay-at-home dad four years ago. Statistics show he’s not alone. According to the 2007 US Census Bureau, the US has about 159,000 stay-at-home dads, a number that almost tripled from a decade before. That number excludes single fathers, ones who work part-time, and those with children over 15.

When Killfoil and his wife Chinchie Chao Killfoil, age 54, adopted a 6-month-old baby from China in 1999, they were both working for the Internal Revenue Service in Houston, Texas. Hoping that their baby daughter Kelly would pick up some Chinese, they often left her with her Taiwanese grandparents. When they relocated to San Francisco and then Washington D.C., Kelly’s Chinese level did not improve. By then, Killfoil had already stopped doing full-time work in favor of tax consultation. When the IRS opened China’s first Tax Attaché office in Beijing, the couple jumped at the chance to have Kelly experience her birth country firsthand. When his wife got the job in Beijing, Killfoil retired completely to look after Kelly.

Debunking Common Myths
The phenomenon of stay-at-home dads is nothing new. One of the most important factors for this shift is the increase of women in high-paying jobs. In China, where attitudes about gender roles tend to remain more conservative, stay-at-home dads often attract more attention. One of the biggest misconceptions about them is “that we don’t know what we’re doing,” notes 44-year-old father, Trevor Marshallsea.

Four years ago, Marshallsea quit his job as the chief cricket writer for The Sydney Morning Herald to become a stay-at-home dad. He became the primary caregiver of his two daughters (Lani, age 6, and Evie, age 4) for practical reasons. His wife Stephanie Teoh is currently a family physician and child specialist at the Beijing International SOS Clinic. As a doctor, Teoh’s job seemed more mobile, so it made sense for her to find work in another country while Marshallsea stayed at home with the kids.

Having worked as a journalist since the age of 17, Marshallsea welcomed the chance to spend time at home. Since living in Beijing, Marshallsea does find that locals are perplexed by a wife working instead of a husband. A common misconception about stay-at-home dads is that they are unemployed or between jobs.

When one of Marshallsea’s daughters falls down in the compound yard, it is not uncommon for a swarm of ayis to swoop down on her out of concern. He feels that they are sometimes puzzled by his more laid-back parenting style.

“Some people might say or think, ‘How would a bloke know how to do this?’ or ‘It’s not a guy’s job.’ They probably think we’re like a fish out of water, but at the end of the day, it’s not rocket science.”

In general though, his experience in China has been a very positive one and if anything, he finds that strangers give him too much praise for being a full-time dad.

“We always get pats on the back for doing the mundane. I was feeding my girl a bottle of milk one day and this man passes saying ‘Oh, good on ya! You’re doing a great job!’ Whereas women who stay at home have to put their careers on the shelf. If they’re feeding their kid a bottle, no one says ‘You’re a great mother!'”

Redefining the Roles
Thirty-one-year-old Nils Brøgger Jakobsen feels that resources for stay-at-home parents in Beijing lean more towards mothers. Although he has always felt included in online groups like Beijing Mamas, he wishes their names would represent a wider range of parents.

When filling out a form, he explains, “It might say ‘mama’s name,’ but actually, what is relevant for me is to put in my name. [In English,] you have maternity leave and paternity leave, which is bad because it separates the genders. In Denmark, it would be called parent’s leave.”

Currently on “parent’s leave,” Jakobsen plans to return to his job at the international development organization ActionAid in Denmark. He moved to Beijing in August with his girlfriend Anja Bollerup-Jensen, age 29, and their 10-month-old son Birk. Bollerup-Jensen is currently doing a four-month internship with the Danish Cultural Institute as part of her master’s degree in Chinese and Global Studies.

Like Marshallsea, Jakobsen isn’t fazed by any setbacks that he has encountered in Beijing.

“I’ve been very welcome,” he says. “[They] call it ‘Mama’s Club,’ but when I say, ‘Can daddies come?’ they’re like, ‘Yeah! Please come.'”

For dads like Killfoil, he sees being a stay-at-home dad as an opportunity to challenge gender stereotypes from the ground up – starting with his daughter. He says, “I think [my daughter’s]vision of a role model is [that]the husband stays at home and takes care of everything. When she grows up and has a husband, I think he’s in trouble.”

The Dad Network
These three expat dads agree that a strong support network is one of the key elements to being a well-adjusted stay-at-home parent. “Everyone needs help,” says Marshallsea.

The difficulty, however, lies in finding these fellow dads in Beijing.

“Since I’ve been here, I’ve met two in three years,” states Killfoil.

And although Jakobsen enjoys spending time with mothers (and grandmothers) from his compound, he often misses the “guys” back home. “We were a bunch of friends who had kids at the same time. It would be so great for me if I could hang out with them. But this is also a great opportunity for me to be in a different culture and see things from a different point of view.”

Yet for Marshallsea, seeking out other stay-at-home dads is not a priority.

He says, “There was one other last year [in my compound]. All the stay-at-home moms that I hang out with were falling over themselves to talk. ‘There’s another stay-at-home dad, you’ve got to meet him!’ It was the-only-other-panda-in-the-zoo kind of thing.”

Marshallsea feels there’s no need to confine himself to just befriending other dads when the Beijing expat community alone is so tight-knit and supportive.

In the end, Killfoil shares his sentiment: “The thing of it is, you could have two stay-at-home dads who have totally different backgrounds and wouldn’t get along at all. You have to have something else in common.”

Busy Dads Means Happy Dads
These full-time parents are always on the go, making the term “stay-at-home” a bit of a misnomer. To balance their duties as fathers, they make sure they have time to themselves. When his daughter is at school, Killfoil regularly plays tennis and explores the old villages surrounding the Shunyi area on his bicycle.

In Marshallsea’s case, it was his love of horse racing that kept him entertained during his first few months as a stay-at-home dad in Australia. Now that Lani and Evie are both in school, Marshallsea is gearing up for a number of writing projects, including a blog, called The Tiger Father – in which he documents his parenting experiences.

On most days, Jakobsen simply travels around town with baby Birk in tow. It gives him an opportunity to socialize with his son and see the city in a more intimate way. Though getting around with a stroller can be difficult, he finds that strangers are always willing to lend a hand.

“What [Beijing is] missing on technical facilities, it certainly [makes up for in]kindness of people,” Jakobsen feels. “Even though I’m sometimes on my own with Birk, I have 1.3 billion assistants who are eager to help.”

A common way for stay-at-home dads to get some breathing space is to hire an ayi. Marshallsea has a helper to babysit the girls and do some cleaning five afternoons a week. Killfoil’s ayi comes over about once a week to cook and practice Chinese with Kelly. While Jakobsen has no ayi, he said he would definitely consider hiring one if he planned on staying in China for the long-term.

Cherishing the Father-Child Bond
Despite the challenges of being a stay-at-home dad, the experience has been ultimately rewarding for all three dads.

Marshallsea finds, “I love when you see them developing and you see them learning new skills. Moments like that, when you’re just really proud and happy. It’s hard to get that kind of feeling from other sources, the feeling of pride you get from your kid.”

For a new parent like Jakobsen, being a stay-at-home dad allows him to witness Birk’s rapid development. He remarks, “Even if you eventually get to repeat the experience with a second child, it won’t be quite the same.”

Killfoil hopes that the bond he has with his daughter will allow her to grow into a more independent young woman. At 13 years old, Kelly plays soccer, helps her dad with renovation projects, and knows how to change a tire on a car.

As for her Chinese, it’s really good. “I pay her RMB 20 a week to be my translator,” he says.

RESOURCES

Dad Stays Home is an active global forum for stay-at-home dads. www.dadstayshome.com

Check out beijingkids online to meet other parents at Beijing playgroups and activities or at community networking events.
www.beijing-kids.com/events

Beijing Mamas, open to mothers and fathers, is members-only group for everything related to parenting in Beijing.
www.groups.yahoo.com/group/Beijing_Mamas

The Tiger Father is Trevor Marshallsea’s blog about his experiences as a stay-at-home dad.
www.thetigerfather.com

Rebel Dad is the blog of former at-home-dad Brian Reid, who now focuses on a broader set of fatherhood-related issues.
www.rebeldad.com

This article is excerpted from beijingkids October 2011 issue. View it in PDF form here or contact distribution@beijing-kids.com to find out where you can pick up your free copy.

The MRC study is a landmark research involving 86,957 families, reports The Guardian. It discovered that “3% of fathers had been depressed in the first year of their child’s life, rising to 10% by the time their child was four, 16% by eight and 21% by twelve”. Mothers, of course, were not immune and showed even higher susceptibility to postnatal depression. However, it was the extent of postnatal depression in fathers that drew attention, as it was the first time that the issue surfaced.

"It is a much bigger problem than is generally recognised," says Liz Wise, a postnatal depression counselor who advises the National Childbirth Trust on the issue. "We know it’s a problem for mothers – but there’s hardly any support for them, and almost nothing for fathers.”

"People think it’s all about hormones in new mothers, but in fact hormones are only a small part of the problem. The other trigger-points can hit men just as easily as they hit women – things such as issues in their past life (for example, abuse) which come to the surface when a baby is born, feeling isolated, being under financial pressure, and having had IVF treatment. The men I see with PND [postnatal depression]are more likely to have partners with PND,” explains Wise.

“The sad thing is that men are even less likely than women to come forward for help – and no one is looking out for them, so their problems go unnoticed,” says the Guardian. “Moreover, it’s the next generation who will be picking up the pieces, as parental depression has a huge knock-on effect.”

So, just as the "new women" discovered two decades ago, it seems that the "new men" of today aren’t having it all, either.

We’re not sure yet how we will celebrate, but my wife has already booked a photographer, a baby hair calligraphy brush company, and a chop maker who will make a seal out of the shriveled remains of Marianne’s umbilical cord (the latter, is apparently all the rage these days with Chinese parents).

But what I would most love to do is take her out for some family fun. Up until now, we have rarely ventured beyond the confines of our apartment complex garden, save for monthly trips to the clinic for immunizations. One compelling reason has been the weather –too cold, too windy, or too hazy – but now that the baby is bigger and springtime is in full bloom, we figure it’s high time.

Baby Bjorning It In Norway

But we have discovered a slight problem: Marianne has become so fat she can’t fit into her Baby Bjorn! Last summer, when we were visiting my sister in Norway, her five-month-old could fit as snug as a bug in theirs (granted, he was a bit small for his age due to being a few weeks premature), but we were dismayed to discover yesterday morning that Marianne, at a little-more-than-three-months-old, has already outgrown ours after having used it grand total of zero times.

We had tried a Baby Sling shortly after bringing her home from the hospital, but to no avail – it seems that she simply hates to be wrapped up in a parallel position. I have enviously eyed all the dads out there who seem to effortlessly carry their kids around in one contraption or another. I even managed to do some intense mountain hiking carrying my nephew in a Baby Bjorn during that same trip last summer.

For now, we are resigned to lugging around her extra bulky baby stroller, which is an extra pain in the butt to fold up and fit into the trunks of cabs, and we are already considering buying a second, more lightweight model. However, I’ve taken much consolation in the fact that when it comes to baby fat, my baby girl resembles me to me the fullest – I was extra chubby as an infant as well.

Your Correspondent’s Daughter

Your Correspondent