Good manners can go a long way in influencing how people view you, not to mention significantly strengthen your own opinion of yourself. Today, most teens seem to have forgotten about the importance of proper etiquette and often struggle to act accordingly in certain situations. Whether it’s a symptom of social media use and increased isolation or something else, the bottom line is that younger generations are finding it harder to fit in with new groups of people, which in turn can lead to decreased levels of self-respect.

Ever since my early childhood, five key etiquette rules have been impressed upon me by the older members of my family. Rules which, looking back now, have helped me in many aspects of my everyday life.

Five Key Etiquette Rules:

1. Don’t interrupt other peoples’ conversations

One way to demonstrate respect for others is to not involve yourself in their conversations unless explicitly asked to do so. Interrupting someone else’s conversation is regarded as pretty annoying, and will definitely cause others to think less of you. By not getting involved, you’re also exercising patience, which is a key skill everyone should have.

2. Think of others as much as you do yourself

When interacting with a large group of people, it’s easy to lose sight of how each individual is feeling, or coping with the situation. An important part of maturing is acting selflessly, and the first step to doing so is thinking of others rather than just yourself.

3. Keep quiet if you have nothing notable to add

Group discussions can go on for a while, and run the risk of digressing, however, generally speaking, they should stick to a certain theme. Grinding these discussions to a halt by adding unnecessary and irrelevant bits of information paints you as irritating, despite your best intentions. Furthermore, learning to stay on track with the topic at hand can help you become a more focused individual in other aspects of your life.

4. Don’t be the only one having a good time

In large groups, there are always bound to be some people who find fitting in a bit more challenging. This is mainly down to some folks being introverts, and spending some time with them in private or helping them find comfort in the current environment can help ease them into an overwhelming social situation. Actions speak louder than words, so by actually helping those around you, you demonstrate sincere selflessness that others will, either consciously or unconsciously, respond to.

5. Act appropriately in any given situation

This may seem like a given, but to be honest, we aren’t always as mindful of it as we should be. Basically, there are different ways we should act when in certain places or in the company of certain people. Naturally, when with friends at a restaurant or at someone’s home the mood will be lighter and more carefree. Needless to say, however, on more serious occasions the atmosphere should be more professional and sober. Learning to act accordingly in any given situation will not only help you practice more self-control but will also make you seem more experienced in the process.

All of these etiquette rules have contributed to both my high self-esteem and respectability, and by following these guidelines I believe teens around the world will become better people in the long run.

KEEP READING: A Comedy of Manners: Making Sense of China’s Subtle Social Cues

Images: Unsplash

If you’re a parent of a teen, there must be one question that’s always running through your brain, and that is, “why is my child so illogical?” Written from a teen’s point of view, I’m hoping to tackle precisely this question. This essay will summarize what a teen thinks versus what you might feel a teen thinks. Does this sound complicated? Well, it is! I’ve interviewed a lot of people to help me prove my theories, and they have given me a lot of similar answers, but it all comes down to two big points; what we think, versus what we do.

  “Treat your teen as an adult!” This is definitely not the first time that you’ve heard this statement. But, I’m here to say that this might not always be the best idea. As a teen myself, I want to be treated with respect, I want my ideas to be heard, and I want to be taken seriously. Many people interpret these needs in their own way and assume that it means that we want to be treated as adults, but this isn’t necessarily true. But part of the journey towards becoming an adult is gaining more responsibility and trust; after all, for teens, adulthood is just around the corner.

We want to act like adults, but since our sense of maturity hasn’t fully developed, there really isn’t much that we can do about it. So, if you the parent try to treat us this way (expecting us to act beyond our age), you’re going to get disappointed by the results, and this will also likely cause us more anxiety than we are already experiencing in these developmental years.

It is also worth mentioning that in China, many people compare their children to other kids in school, and even to other geniuses they might encounter in the news or through social media. These comparisons are also a source of extreme pressure that ultimately pushes us away.

Our anxiety to act like adults is now also affecting the way we treat other people. In some ways, adults are representative of being able to problem solve and being the pinnacle of maturity. After some interviews with adults, I’ve concluded that they don’t express themselves often and even when they do, they do so in short sentences because efficiency is needed. Every word counts! That’s what also leads to some teens becoming impatient themselves. They also want to solve problems as quickly as possible, just like an adult.

We know that adults do certain things for our own good; this is another commonly used trope. But, we also want problems to be solved with high efficiency since we have so much to do in our lives but still haven’t been endowed with the necessary means of expressing ourselves. This might cause us to sometimes have an undesirable “do whatever you want” mentality, which can be taken negatively. But you have to keep in mind that we’re actually not trying to upset you, but instead trying to solve these conflicts as quickly as possible and we forget how to sound cooperative.

Just like adults, we need to be understood and tolerated. If parents, at this point in time, keep on labeling teens as “illogical,” “troubling,” or “emotional,” there’s going to be a higher chance of your teenager not wanting to communicate with you at all, or even worse always asking for your help to solve their problems instead of acting independently.

There is no one specific group that is impervious to life’s pressures, just like everyone can get sick. We want to stop talking and start working, and that’s why we sometimes end up communicating with a bad tone. Sometimes parents just need to let go a bit and let us do our own thing and be confident that we can do it, even if we stumble along the way. It could be a win-win situation for future communication between the ages.

Finding the balance between autonomy and overparenting is also very important. Some teens like me, need to be treated with respect and freedom. Adults get to decide for themselves, so we should also be able to gradually do the same. International schools do an excellent job of letting us choose our electives, and we appreciate it. Parents should also be able to let us exercise choice. Of course, there should be boundaries in what we can and cannot do, but inside that box, there should be enough freedom to let us breathe and grow. Not enough freedom makes us feel pressured, and most importantly, when we get used to these styles of over-parenting, we might lose the ability to make decisions altogether.

A friend of mine in Grade 7 has her schedule filled up with all sorts of classes. So much so that she has zero opportunities to be social. She has never traveled abroad. The only place she’s been to on vacation is Xi’an. I am shocked by her lack of social experiences, and whenever she needs to choose her electives and should have the freedom to make these choices, her mom is always involved. This is preventing her from maturing and being able to discover more about herself by developing her ability to make decisions.

Parents need to let us make decisions, not because it makes us happy, but more importantly, it’s an opportunity for us to develop. One day we will leave, and be on our own. We might be at the top of our fields, making billions of bucks per year, but if we can’t decide for ourselves and have no hobbies, are we just going to spend the rest of our lives lying to ourselves in that coveted corner office? Where should we spend our weekends and holidays? What should we do when we get old? Is there anything more important than being able to organize our own time and being able to live life the way we want?

It’s essential for us to learn how to stand up for ourselves and do what we want, but parents, please also know that we’re still kids, that we still need your help in teaching us how to deal with relationships between people and how to solve problems. Please guide us, and not just plan for us. We need a road map for this journey, and if we don’t get lost a few times, we can’t learn anything. These teenage years are a time for us to start reaching for our own life, and for you to slowly let us into the driver’s seat.

This article appeared in the beijingkids July-August 2019 Teen Takeover issue

Photo: Adobe Stock

I began blogging over a decade ago, when my now-teen son Myles was a baby. It was mostly for fun, something that provided me a creative outlet as well as kept my scattered family and friends up to date on what we were doing. I never overshared, but I really enjoyed describing my awe with my infant son’s progress to toddlerdom.

My blog took on different forms over the years as my life took on different shapes: a mommy blog, a grief blog, a Pittsburgh sports fan blog, a pregnancy blog, a homeschooling blog, a travel blog. For the last several years, it has become the home of the “Only Catholic Expat Steelersfan Mommyblogger in Beijing.” Through all those iterations, the constant has been a focus on my kids. Myles and Brigid have always provided me ample material to post.

My blogging caught the attention of someone associated with beijingkids magazine in 2010, and shortly after I began my column Alternate Routes. As an extension of what I was already writing about online, I especially mined my kids’ experiences for material. In the pages of this magazine, I have given the readers a peek into some of my son’s personal milestones in Beijing—going out for soccer (August 2011), buying his first guitar at Rock Mei Mei (August 2012), and dancing on a table at a Beijing Oktoberfest party (October 2015).

Whenever he would find beijingkids in Shunyi or Sanlitun, he would pick up a copy and start flipping through it.

“Did you write in this month’s issue?” he would ask, then adding proudly, “Did you write about me?”

In October of last year, Myles turned thirteen. Suddenly, I was conscious of the absence of funny toddler and preschool moments in my days. Now there was a teenager in my home who might not be comfortable with anyone outside of our family circle reading details he would rather keep private.

It wasn’t that I exploited every moment of his life; I had my self-imposed limits, like no mentions of bodily fluids or private parts. Toddlers in particular say funny things about bodily fluids and private parts. My own kids were no different. However, I kept those to myself out of respect.

Since Myles’ birthday, I was beginning to wonder if maybe he would take issue with my broadcasting anything about his life, even to my relatively limited audience.

I asked him as I was writing this what he thought about his being the subject of my blog posts and the focus of this column specifically. Did he have any reservations, I wanted to know.

He shrugged, “Not really. You can write whatever you want.”

I attempted to press him further on the subject, but in response I received more variations of the same indifference.

I appreciated the faith he had in me, that I would not overstep the bounds. I reviewed some of my past columns and blog posts and realized why he held this trust. If anyone had cause to be embarrassed by anything I had divulged in print or online, it would be me. Usually in my vignettes, if Myles and Brigid played any part, they were cast as the heroes, while I was more often their less-than-capable sidekick.

I suppose my next challenge as a mommy blogger is not material drying up, but keeping the dialogue going with my new teenager to know when he wants privacy.

Parents do their best to give their children everything they need. Excessive indulgence can be harmful to kids though, and they can grow up without understanding the hard work needed to earn one’s living. Such children can spend all their weekly pocket money on ice cream for friends in one day, safe in the knowledge that their parents won’t leave them without a penny (or mao in Beijing). It’s also tough for parents to deal with the exhausting cry of a kid asking to buy another Barbie doll or LEGO set during the usual evening grocery shopping.  And the worst thing about this upbringing is that adults without good money habits also become an easy catch for all types of swindlers. The main inference here – parents DO need to talk with children about money.

So when is the right time to start your kid’s “economic education”? We think, the earlier the better. It would be great for a child to participate in serious discussions with parents, and he or she will appreciate it if you ask them what, for example, is the most important purchase for your family budget now, and what can wait till the next month (or holiday). If you think you kid is too small for that – just start by telling him or her what money is, and how to distinguish coins and notes.

 Many of us still have the same view on money we used to do in childhood, given to us by our parents in turn. A research team from the University of Minnesota have created a list of things you need to concentrate on during the preparation for the “money issue” talk.

First, decide how to create an open environment for a discussion.
Try to remember what words and explanations you would have liked to hear when you were your kid’s age, and make the conversation easy to follow. Sometimes kids want to get a different answer than you’d give to an adult. For example, if your child asks how much you earn, he probably doesn’t want to hear the actual numbers, but will better understand it in the  currency of toys. Another tip – in all circumstances it’s better to guide and advise than dictate and direct. Your kid has a right to make her own mistakes, and will definitely have her own special traits and differences which need to be taken into account.

Then a good idea would be to develop a plan of how your kid will get their pocket money.
There is actually no one universal approach for all families: some just give money to their kid on request, some set a monthly or weekly sum, some pay for doing household duties or offer some other ways to earn, and some present money on special occasions.

 So, having prepared your strategy, you can start teaching your kid money concepts.
There are only five of them: earning, saving, spending, borrowing, and sharing. And if the first three are quite easy to understand, getting the meaning of the last two might take some time, and usually those skills are developed after at least few years in Elementary school.

Earning money is a first important step for a child to an adult life that gives them sense of independence and freedom, together with inculcating good working habits and work-life balance. It is crucially important for a kid to feel the support of his family. It is good to negotiate the level of your help to a child once they start to receive their first paycheck and to slowly withdraw it, as they become more independent. Explain to your kid the importance of keeping records of all financial income and outgoings.

Putting money aside for future spending is a great habit your child should develop. There are two types of saving: for short-term purchases, like a new game, and for long-term needs such as college. And while kids are usually fine with putting some ice cream purchases aside in order to get a new toy, you should help your child to understand the necessity of long-term saving. For this purpose, different motivational techniques can be used, like recording annually how much he saved and adding some extra money from your side.

Spending money is a hobby we all share. Explain to your kid the difference between real needs and wants. And show them that sometimes you also need to say “no” to yourself, for example, during your shopping together. For a child, spending money means he or she is taking on responsibility for their decisions, and that’s great training for a future life.

Getting your child familiar with what borrowing is can be tough, and it’s important for them to understand the basic principles of it. First, if you’re lending money to your kid, you need to make sure they are able to return it. There shouldn’t be a situation where you just forget about the loan – to make them understand the realities of the credit market and prevent future inconveniences that may arise. Sites like https://personalmoneynetwork.com/ post regular articles to help teaching the inexperienced with finances, it’s never too late or too early to start on the right path towards a financially free future.

The last concept, sharing, is also important. Tell your kid, that it’s not always necessary to get public attention. The best way to show how good for both giver and receiver sharing can be is participating together in different community and charity events.

Following this advice should help your child to grow up a successful and happy person with good money habits.

Photos: Blackenterprise.com, blog.credit.com, boldsky.com, mastermindtraders.com 

Source: University of Minnesota 

It is hard to believe that just 730 days ago, our twin boys were born. The past two years with them represents one of the greatest challenges of my life. Honestly, I don’t do well with sleep deprivation. Then there were endless diaper changes, countless feedings, and back pains the likes of which I hope never to experience again. And the night of food poisoning hell; lets not forget that. Yet despite the struggles that the first two years delivered, the rewards were staggering and we couldn’t imagine life without them now. Not that I don’t reminisce about the joys of being the father of an only child. Man, was that easy.

The thing that surprised me the most was how much the boys interacted with each other from an early age. When they were one, they would kiss and cuddle like newlyweds. Clearly the honeymoon is over now as lately they relish antagonizing each other. If Ryder has a car, Bryson wants it. And if Bryson has a shiny ball, Ryder is likely to take it and run. I suspect they just want to play with each other but are having trouble communicating their desires.  Hopefully this too will soon pass.

In the next two years, I look forward to easier bedtimes, disposing of the final diaper, getting rid of high chairs and cribs, taking an actual vacation, and letting them handle some of the household chores like cooking on meatless Mondays. Whatever the outcome, I’m sure we will have plenty of new adventures and many an unexpected turn. I’m also certain there will be love, joy, and plenty of tears. 

Photos: Christopher Lay

Both my parents are artists. Although they met in the theater world and dabbled in numerous other media throughout their 40-plus years of marriage, they are visual artists by profession and singers by passion.

I now say this with much pride. But when I was 10 or 11, I thought it might be cooler if – like my classmates – my dad had some 9-to-5 job or if my mom brought me home a little souvenir from a work conference. Children are cruel like that. They don’t always understand where their parents do what they do.

In college, I joined the university theater troupe. My parents were very displeased. They feared that, like many people they knew, I would give up my studies for a life waiting in the wings for my turn in the spotlight. I had to sneak to rehearsals and once even crossed out my name on a program when they went to see a play so they wouldn’t know that I had been involved in the production the past few months.

They told me nearly every day that, because they had known the hard life of an artist, they did not wish the same for me. I listened and, and being the good girl that I was, took the courses that would up my chances of getting a stable job.

But I couldn’t deny that a love for the arts was in my veins. It wasn’t just my parents who had met in the theatre; my grandparents did too. In fact, my family was full of actors, writers, musicians, singers, dancers, filmmakers, and photographers.

Then, of course, I did something that was even crazier in their eyes: I married a boy from the same theater troupe. My father had to resign himself to the fact that his daughter would not have an easy life.

But my husband was more practical than most artists. And so, he did the unthinkable: He took the 9-to-5 job. Except that the hours were more like 9-to-9, and the job ended up taking us to many countries.

Our parents could not see the wonderful cultural opportunities we were exposed to without also noticing that we were, for the first time in our lives, doing housework that would usually be left to hired help in our country. It took many years for both sides of the family to accept that this was just how things were done in different parts of the world.

What little savings we had over the years went not into signature clothes or designer bags, but theater tickets, show DVDs, and soundtracks. Both our boys were raised on a diet of these things we loved and in turn learned to love them as well. There were classes, coaches, and numerous costumes to make or buy. There were dress rehearsals, call times, and hunting for the right size tap shoes when the main pair suddenly broke.

My older son, who is turning 16, now has to figure out what he wants to do in life. It didn’t surprise my husband and I one bit when he said he wanted to go to a performing arts school. Just as I’d once wished for my father to have a corporate job, he sometimes wonders what life would be like if his father had pursued his dream of being an artist.

Children are cruel like that. They don’t always understand where their parents do what they do. But in this day and age, it is acceptable for them to be vocal about their opinions.

Now, I’m in the same situation my parents were in. How do you encourage your child to follow his dreams? More importantly, how do you support him when you’re not on the same page?

Despite my initial desire to give my lengthy opinion on why my son should go for a “proper” degree rather than be a starving artist, I knew the answer he was hoping for. 

I’ve already given it to him: “Go for it. And give it all you’ve got.” In the same breath, I also whispered to my husband: “I guess we’ll have to support him a little longer than we thought.”

My son’s future may be uncertain, but one thing is certain: I will be right there in the audience, cheering him on as he wears his performer’s heart on his costumed sleeve.

Dana is the beijingkids Shunyi Correspondent. Originally from the Philippines, she moved to Beijing in 2011 (via Europe) with her husband, two sons and Rusty the dog. She enjoys writing, photography, theater, visual arts, and trying new food. In her free time, she can be found exploring the city and driving along the mountain roads of Huairou, Miyun and Pinggu.

Photo by Dana Cosio-Mercado

The Canadian International School of Beijing (CISB) class of 2013 were all sporting crimson and white graduation gowns and caps – the colors of both China and Canada – as they marched to “Pomp and Circumstance” on the evening of Tuesday, June 18. 32 students from 9 different nationalities, including Uzbekistan, USA, Canada, and Singapore, were all smiles as the opening addresses were made. 21 students graduated with honors, and many students were accepted into prestigious universities such as New York University, University of California, Los Angeles, University of Toronto, and The School of The Art Institute of Chicago.

The students were proud yet nervous as they seated themselves in front of the crowd. After the national anthems of Canada and China were sung, Mr. Andy Truong and the parent of a graduate, Dr. Liu, Peng Hui, made addresses to the class. The nerves seemed to disappear once the graduate’s video was played. Hopeful acoustic music played as a slideshow of the graduates from younger years and recent times were displayed. Some pictures caused laughter, others caused cooing.

There are certain milestone ages kids look forward to reaching, and for a variety of reasons.  Where I come from (the US), turning 16 means getting a driver’s license; 18 means you’re legal and can vote; and 21 means you can drink alcohol.  Turning the big 3-0 or 4-0 or any 0 sometimes hits a nerve, and at 65 you can retire.  Little kids are perhaps less into the future than we are, though, so they might focus on turning five and going to kindergarten.  Or turning 10, ending the single-digit era forever.

My oldest daughter Leah turns 10 this week.  All last year she looked forward to the double digits, seeing the possibility of a mobile phone in her future, among other things.  But as the date neared, her attitude changed.  Not trying to personally dwell on the inevitable, I would casually tease that she was getting old, or that I couldn’t possibly be 10 years older myself.  Instead of joking back, she very seriously would tell me, “Stop saying that,” or “I don’t want to talk about it.”  After a little prodding about this change of heart, emotions got the best of Leah.  Through quivering lips she said, “But … that means in only eight years I won’t be around you all the time anymore.”

What?!  This, coming from the child who practically walked out of my body at birth she was so independent?  I was taken aback.  But then I quickly realized she’s still very much a little girl.  Double digits or not, she’s starting to recognize that maybe being young and protected and taken care of isn’t such a bad thing after all.  I happen to love this new phase she’s in, however brief it may be. 

The double digit rite of passage has turned out to be a bigger deal than even I anticipated.  We parents know that time passes much too quickly as we watch our children grow.  While I try to embrace every age and stage my kids go through, it’s nice to see that even Leah isn’t quite ready to grow up too fast.

Happy birthday to Leah, always my little girl.