Remember VoIP? How about international landline calling cards? Telegrams? Carrier pigeons? How about smoke signals?

Ok, I jest with those last ones, but before FaceTime, WeChat calls, WhatsApp, and Zoom, those were our best options when it came to communicating over long distances. While our recent forced transition to a totally online world thanks to COVID-19 has not been totally smooth, it’s easy to forget just how hard it was to have a simple chat with the family back home in the past.

Ready to jump in the time machine? Ten years ago this month, we were blogging about how to call home without breaking the bank. Back then, “Typical landline rates to the USA/UK on Beijing Telecom are RMB 8 per minute. From the USA to China, rates average USD 0.15 a minute.”

“It says here we should get milk on the way home”

Skype, which is widely regarded as the first large company to commercialize Voice-over-Internet-Procol technology, did exist and by 2010 had over 660 million worldwide users, but here in China at least, we were still dealing with the inconvenient “echo effect” which made using the service a pain. And iPhone FaceTime was still in the future: it wouldn’t be released in the US until a month after the article was published, in June of 2010.

So what was a keen conversationalist to do? Our writer recommended a couple of other VoIP options, explaining the system “which uses the internet and assigns you a USA based telephone number.” VoIP had only taken off in a big way in around 2007 in most parts of Asia and was still a bit of an unknown entity to most casual users. In the blog, we discussed the merits of two different services, Vonage and Ooma which “both have land-line quality connection” (if you remember what that is). So far so good, but stacking at USD 25.99 per month subscription for the first, and a flat USD 249.99 fee for the second, these were pretty expensive investments back then. Oh, and the systems also were required to be purchased and shipped from the US, needed a replacement 220v charger, and didn’t work over WiFi.

The technology may have come a long way, but one thing still rings true: privacy concerns are real. While discussing different VoIP options, we also threw in a warning about one service which actually still exists, called MagicJack. Although relatively cheap back then (one-time fee of USD 39.99) it required users to allow the company to “analyze their calls” and then peppered users with targetted ads. Some things never change: if you’re not paying, you’re the product.

You can read the entire original blog here.

KEEP READING: Maintaining Long-Distance Friendships From China: Some Practical Tips

Images: Wikimedia Commons

Maintaining a healthy friendship at the best of times requires some work and commitment, and when one of you moves far away, things can get more than a little tricky. I should know, having first left my homeland of Australia in 2011, and my second home of France one year ago. I am now lucky enough to have a rich crop of friendships in multiple different time zones, all of which I’m doing my red-hot best to nurture.

I definitely didn’t always get it right – when I first moved overseas I was young, hungry for adventure, and had terrible WI-FI. I went AWOL for months at a time and missed many important dates and moments in my friend’s lives. I’m still not the kind of person who enjoys non-stop messaging and long phone calls but over the years I have picked up a few tips about how to maintain friendships abroad, and specifically, from China.

I hope that some of them may be of use to you.

Manage Expectations

As soon as you can, warn your friends that you may not be able to maintain the same frequency or style of contact as you did before, especially if you think that you’re likely to go “off the radar” for a while. Saying things like “I care a lot about you and value your friendship, even if you don’t hear from me as much as you used to” can go a long way to easing the transition and preventing friends from feeling abandoned.

If you have friends who have never lived abroad or even in another town, it may literally not have occurred to them that staying in touch can be hard. Talking to them through challenges like time differences and technological barriers could make a world of difference.

If despite all your efforts, a friend is feeling hurt by your lack of contact, remind them that you’re not pulling away from the relationship, but towards your new life (i.e. “It’s not all about you”). Afterward, they are more likely to understand – friends should want the best for one another, after all.

“So, how’s your relationship?”

Don’t force a square peg into a round hole

When you move overseas or far away, you’re basically forced to conduct your entire friendship in the digital realm. Plenty of advice articles will tell you to download a Skype account, get everybody’s email address, and schedule regular calls, but while this might work fine for friendships that already included long conversations or text messages, it won’t work for them all.

Your old teammates, hiking buddies, or knitting circle partners may find it hard to adjust to a new verbose style. Don’t take it too hard if they don’t pick up when you call nor respond to your long emails in a timely fashion. It’s not your friendship that’s awkward, it’s your medium.

Expect the unexpected

Speaking of technology… even with VPNs, making stable long-distance calls from China can be an absolute pain. Lucky iPhone users are able to FaceTime one another for free, but the rest of us need to accept that long chats may not always be possible (especially if there are big government events coming up). Unsurprisingly, WeChat is the most stable and reliable app for making calls, so consider asking friends to make an account so that you’ve always got a good backup.

If, however, you’re calling someone who’s unlikely to be WeChat equipped, there are some quick ways to make cheap international calls from your Chinese network provider (if the phone number starts with a :

• China Unicom: 10193 + 00 + country code + phone number*
• China Mobile: 17951 + 00 + country code + phone number*

*When calling a foreign landline, if there is 0 before the area code, do not dial 0; if there is no area code, dial “00 + country code + phone number”

Avoid the dreaded “so how’s life?” 

Remember when you talked to your friends one month after moving to Beijing, and they asked you “so how’s China?”. Um… big? Questions so-open-ended-they’re-basically-a-tunnel are easy to ask but hard to answer. Don’t inflict them on your friends back home. If it’s been a while since you were last in contact, pause before you reach out and try to think of a few specific, pointed questions you can ask. “What are you reading right now?”, “Have you found a good lunch spot in your new neighborhood?”, “Is the baby eating gravel yet?”. They’re far more likely to respond, and build the momentum to fill you in on the rest of the ‘life’ stuff.

Get meme-ing

My oldest friend and I can go months without a proper conversation. We’ve lived in separate countries for almost a decade, and while I have pretty regular office hours, she is an outdoor adventure guide, and away for weeks at a time. We stay connected and in each other’s hearts by sending ridiculous memes and images back and forth. Fart jokes are the fuel to our friendship fire. Whether it’s sending memes on Instagram, sharing articles from Popular Psychology or movie reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, there is a myriad of ways to easily ‘nudge’ your friends and remind them of your shared interests and history, no matter how busy you both are.

Bait the lurkers

If you are struggling to get news from that quiet friend in a group chat who reads messages but never responds, snap a selfie, post it in the group, and tell everybody to reply with a selfie right now! Or take a picture of their lunch, or their view, or their shoes, or whatever. This strategy is also very useful for connecting with somebody who is going through a hard time, but not ready to talk about it, as it’s non-judgemental and doesn’t require any soul-searching.

Send Voice Messages

Yeah, yeah, we know, VM’s are the worst. But there is something really lovely about hearing the voice of a good friend instead of the usual block of text. You can fit much more feeling, warmth, and, well, information into a 10-second voice message than you may realize, and it literally takes 10 seconds.

Accept that friendships change

Friendships come in all shapes and sizes, and they change over time too. If despite all your efforts, you find yourself drifting away from a friend, don’t sweat it too much. It’s natural for long-term friendships to go through seasons and you may come very close together again in the future.

And finally… buy a friendship necklace. 

It can’t hurt.

READ: Is This What It Feels Like to Finally Be an Expat?

More stories by this author here.
Email: annahartley@thebeijinger.com
Twitter: @its_annahartley
Instagram: @its_annahartley

Images: Unsplash, Serge Kutuzov, Instagram (@pms), Amazon

Father’s Day always sneaks up on me by surprise.  Growing up, I moved so often that I still don’t have a good grasp of when Father’s Day is. I know June 19^th is the American Father’s Day (thanks to good ol’ American commercialism), and I remember that August 8^th is the Chinese Father’s Day (mainly because it’s a homonym for baba). I also know that the Father’s Day my dad celebrates is neither, but I have a tough time remembering when that one is because, like Mother’s Day, it changes every year.

I just looked it up, and this year it apparently falls on November 13^th (exactly 6 months after mother’s day for the sake of equality). [Here’s a list of dates for Father’s Day around the world.]

What normally happens every year is that I know I won’t remember the correct Father’s Day, so when marketing campaigns in the US remind me for months at a time that Father’s Day is coming (another reason to shop! More sales!), I just send my dad an e-card so he knows that I did think of him at a Father’s Day, even if it wasn’t the right one.  Sure, I hear some grumbling around Christmas about the missed November Father’s Day, but then I remind him that he received a card when he least expected it—and wasn’t that a nice surprise? Daddies are easily appeased.

This year, I could actually celebrate Father’s Day Sunday with my dad.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t celebrate this Father’s Day.  Most of Beijing does, though, and I realized that my husband, who’d only get to celebrate his second Father’s Day, will not be able to celebrate with our son.  Actually, we haven’t discussed which holidays we’ll celebrate, and it’s not like my son has a clue that he’s missing out on daddy-son bonding time (that doesn’t begin till he enters a school, I think), so I suppose it’s not a big deal.

Besides, it probably won’t be the first Father’s Day that my husband misses given the amount of traveling he does for work. I travel for work as well, and I recently read an article about a mother who travels between two cities so that her children from a previous marriage can remain with their father and community, while she treks for hours each week to her new husband and infant (splitting her time in two locations).  Maybe long-distance is the new modern family.

Whether you agree or not, I think Father’s Day should still be celebrated, even if the father in your family is far away—it’s only fair! I would still be expecting something even if I were away. So, I’ve gone ahead and rounded up “digital gifts” that we can still make and send in time for Father’s Day this Sunday, June 19th:

A quick gift for the Busy Dad:

• Call him. Better yet, video call him via Skype, Face Time, or WeChat.
• Send an e-card! Choose one that will fit your Dad’s personality. I picked a music video e-card where you can paste your dad’s face on it, and then I made a rap video of my husband (subscription required).
• That book your dad’s wanted to read? Buy him an e-book on iBooks or Kindle and send it to his email!
• Make a music playlist to either educate your dad on “what’s in”, or to satisfy his own musical tastes, on a site like 8tracks and send him a link!
• Create an animated emoticon of your dad’s face (or your face) and send it to him via WeChat! Here’s another one you can try!
• Play a game together online (either multiplayer, or just the two of you) via computer or even mobile. WeChat has a selection of free games you can compete on, but there’s also Words with Friends (iOS), Chess, Monopoly, Beyond Speed Limits (Android), Pogo, etc.

A personalized gift for the Sentimental Dad:

• What would be the perfect Father’s Day with Daddy? What would you want to do? Go to the movies? Visit the arcade? Go to Happy Valley? Hit the pool?  Plan your perfect day, then on Saturday, take your phone or camcorder (or gopro, if you have one) and record your own video tour. Remember to talk to your dad like he’s right there with you. At the end of the day, edit the footage and send it to daddy so that he’ll know what he’s missing out on!
• Plan a movie date for Father’s Day by choosing a movie on Netflix, or other similar site, and then watch it simultaneously while connected via video chat.
• Start writing a Twitter-like digital letter (on your phone) when you wake up on Father’s Day, and then add one sentence at a time to it throughout the day with a “location”. You can do this via WeChat with location pins, the occasional sight, or a photo snapshot as well.
• If your dad likes fishing, schedule a fishing trip early in the morning, and sit together while connected via video or voice (WeChat, Skype, Face Time, or a simple phone call will do).
• Reflect on what your dad nags at you to do the most, and then make him personalized vouchers or coupons, whether digital or printed out, and promise that you’ll do the chores when he presents the coupons. Find a sample here.
• If Daddy’s going to be gone for a while, or is often away, create a digital photo album for him to browse and remember you by (because Facebook is too much of a distraction). The same pictures you’ve selected can be made into a calendar, photo book, t-shirt, mug, or cellphone cover at your local print shop (a gift for when he returns!)

A screenshot of my husband’s rap video e-card

Photos: courtesy of Jessica Suotmaa, Flickr, Sage Ross, BPhoenix

For the Father’s Day issue, bejingkids wants to pay tribute to the Beijing men who love their spouses and kids but live apart from them. Whether for health, educational, or financial reasons, many families elect to stay, move, or return overseas to live. Because of ongoing global economic instability and the wealth of financial opportunities in China, more and more fathers find themselves living here on their own. These long-distance families face unique challenges and pressures.

We spoke to American Wesley Ingram, branch manager of Links Moving Beijing, about his experience of being separated from his wife and son, and his advice for other fathers in the same position.

Ingram and his Chongching-born wife Demi Yang became a couple in 2005. They married in 2008 and set up house in Chengdu. Over two years ago, the Ingram-Yang family made the difficult decision to live separately, with Yang and their son Ennis (now age 4) moving to Mesa, Arizona just outside of Phoenix, and Ingram relocating to Shanghai on his own, where he lived and worked for a year and half before moving to Beijing earlier this year.

The family spends all of their vacation time together. “This winter, I got lucky and I had a month vacation in Arizona as part of my start-up package with Links,” says Ingram. “As far as the coming years go, it’ll be back to two weeks.” Yang and Ennis will visit Beijing for two and half months this summer, arriving in early June. While they are here, the family will decide whether to live together in Beijing or continue with their current arrangement.

Worlds Apart
The decision to live apart was a multi-faceted one. Yang wanted Ennis to start pre-school at age 3, and convinced Ingram that getting an early start in the US would benefit their son’s learning and socialization abilities. Yang was adamant that Ennis needed to be around other kids in an environment where he would learn English, and understand how to play, share, and interact with people outside their immediate family.

“It’s been very healthy for my son to have gone to the US and to have spent some time there. Prior to living in the US, his English ability wasn’t up to par because we spoke mainly Chinese at home,” says Ingram. “It’s also been a big benefit to have him around other children in an environment where they’re asked to respect each other in a different way. In Arizona there’s a mix of interracial kids who look very different and come from different ethnic backgrounds. It’s been really good for him to be around diverse children. He’s improved really quickly on his social skills.”

In Arizona, Yang works as a special needs teaching assistant and rents a house a short drive away from Ingram’s parents. Ennis attends kindergarten at Yang’s workplace, which lowers the cost of education significantly.

“When we were looking at [the possibility of]them coming out to Shanghai, we visited some international schools. His school in Arizona is just as high quality as a lot of the international schools we checked out, but the cost is minimal in comparison to what it would be here. Although he attends a public school, they still pay because he’s less than 6 years old. It’s a paid program but because [Yang’s] an employee of the school district, they’re given a discounted rate.”

The couple also took into account the issue of pollution in China. While living in Chengdu, Ennis developed respiratory issues. “He had constant coughs; allergies were always an issue. The international doctor that we went to said that it was probably due to him playing outside all the time – not just because of [air pollution caused by cars and industry]but also due to construction putting a lot of dust in the air,” explains Ingram.

Yang knew that neither Chengdu, Shanghai, nor Beijing could match the air quality in Arizona. “My wife had spent enough time in the US near my parents’ place to be familiar with the living conditions there,” says Ingram.

Living so close to Ingram’s parents also means they can play an active role in Ennis’ upbringing; he spends two to three nights a week with his grandparents. They ferry him to and from swimming lessons and soccer practice, and on the nights that he sleeps over, Yang gets some time alone to decompress. “Being by herself, she’s like a single mom, so to have a day or two for herself is important,” says Ingram.

Keeping in Touch
The family uses a variety of methods to keep in touch. Ingram talks to his wife and son via Skype or WeChat Video Call at least twice a week, and exchanges emails and SMS with them daily or every other day. Email correspondence mostly addresses practical concerns: school issues, finances, banking, house maintenance, and other day-to-day chores, while video calls are the main conduit for family time.

“It is quite difficult to keep a 4-year-old’s attention for very long. Forced phone calls definitely are tough, so it’s really been a blessing to have

and just watch him. He doesn’t have to sit there and answer me; we interact while he plays with his toys. It’s a kind of interaction that wasn’t possible years ago. I see what he’s doing, and we can interact in a way that similar to how it would be if I was really sitting at the table watching him play,” says Ingram.

When it comes to parenting, Ingram’s responsibilities have had to change, with Yang playing a larger role. “She makes the final decisions on most things because she’s the mother and because she’s there. We talk everything through together and try to come up with solutions, but the implementation largely comes down to her,” he says.

Ingram recognizes that it can be difficult for his wife. “When Ennis and I are together, I want it to be fun and I want him to like me. She’s looked at as the bad guy because she’s the one that disciplines him; on that level, I’m not as involved. It’s quite tough on her. My wife has pointed that out and I’ve done my best to up my game to take the burden off her.”

Finding Balance
Currently, Ingram’s life in Beijing revolves around work, although he recognizes that’s something that he will need to adjust. “I’m in the first couple of months here, so I’m focused on my job. I don’t have to worry about late nights or working on weekends because I have nothing else to do. That’s a major bonus at the moment; whereas I think when they get here I’ll save some blocks of time during the week when I can be there for dinner. But I also have an obligation to my office; I can’t all of a sudden just cut back my hours and start leaving every day at 6pm.”

The fact that he has just moved here and must shoulder an intense workload means Ingram hasn’t invested much time in his social life so far. “During the week it’s work and a little bit of television. To be honest, I don’t have much of a support network. I eat out almost every night. I guess that’s my way to relax. I usually have a drink and a nice meal somewhere, and then go home,” he says. “I have a couple of friends here whom I’ve known for a while, and I’ll meet up with them at the weekend and have a drink. The activity I do is walking. I take a half hour or hour at night and walk around and check out the neighborhood.”

The hardest part of being apart from his family is missing out on the minutiae of Ennis’ day-to-day life. “He changes what he likes before we’ve had another phone call. That’s quite difficult. I feel like I’m always talking about something that he liked last week. That can happen in person too, but the distance and the fact that we don’t speak as often amplifies it,” says Ingram.

He also worries about Ennis’ state of mind. “I didn’t see my father a lot when I was young. The hardest thing for me is imagining what Ennis’ probably feeling about that,” he says. “We try our best to explain to him that I have to work. He’s asked, ‘Does Daddy not like living with us?’ So we’ve made sure he knows I love him, but that my job is here and that a job is an important thing. That’s been a test, though. He’s 4, so his level of understanding is pretty basic: I’m not there.”

Ingram is not just a long-distance dad; he’s a long-distance husband. “Maintaining our relationship has been tougher,” he says. “There’s no intimacy; not just no sex, but you’re not touching or hugging. The only way you can express yourself is through words and I’m not naturally a very open person. I’ve had to work on being more sensitive and expressive – just having conversations where I tell her how I feel about her. It’s too easy to get into the habit of relating to each other as parents rather than as a couple. So we’ve been working at having conversations after Ennis has gone to sleep, where we don’t discuss parenting or finances or family. We just talk about things that are fun, or what she’s up to, or how she’s feeling.”

Living apart is still heart-wrenching for Ingram. “It’s much easier than it was in the first couple of months of the first year, that’s for sure. But it’s still very difficult not being able to see each other.  It’s been a constant consideration. Is the priority work or family? And is it really worth it if they’re not going to be here?” he asks. He would love to reunite the family in Beijing.

So, Ingram and Yang will use this summer holiday to assess the feasibility of family life here by visiting schools, finding a good ayi, and exploring all the arrangements they would need to make for Ennis. Even if Yang feels comfortable making the move, she and their son will return to Arizona for at least one more semester.

“If it was up to me, of course I would want them here. I’m trying to talk them into coming here to stay full-time. But I understand where my wife is coming from. I agree with her on a lot of levels, especially about the livability factors for our son. It’s really going to have to be a joint decision. My wife is open to the idea at this point of coming to live in Beijing. She’s not very happy about it, but she’s open to it whereas she wasn’t before,” he says. “I need Beijing to seed the clouds for the entire summer so my wife decides to stay.”

Stories like the Ingram-Yang family’s are becoming increasingly common among expat families. The good news is that, contrary to received wisdom and popular opinion, a 2004 study of 200 long-distance couples led by Purdue University found that separation does not make couples more likely to divorce or engage in extramarital affairs. Similarly, a 2013 study by researchers at Queens University, Ontario found that individual and relationship characteristics rather than geographical proximity were the predictors of a happy partnership. Nevertheless, we wish all our readers – and most especially the Ingram-Yang family – clear blue skies and sunshine all summer long.

Ingram’s Advice for Long-Distance Dads
Be prepared: “You have to have a solid foundation in your relationship. It helps if you’ve been together for a longer period of time. We have trust and that’s why we’re still married. We’re partners; we’re equals. There’s got to be trust on both sides: in the relationship and in each other. It’s a relationship that had a lot of time behind it; we approach separation differently because we’ve known each other a long time.”

Prioritize communication: “As the expat in the relationship, you bear a little more responsibility: a wife and child overseas are the ones busy running around living family life. Set times and make sure you keep your word. Commit to communicating at least every other day. You have to push yourself to put the time in”

Have alone time with your partner: “[Yang] calls me at times when [Ennis is] not around, and we just chat.”

Find healthy ways to socialize: “Join a gym or a team, play sports – it gives you a reason to get healthy, feel good, and release stress. Plus you can go and have a drink after. You get it all.”

This article originally appeared in the June 2014 issue of beijingkids. To find out where to get your free copy, email distribution@truerun.com or view it on Issuu.

Photos by Sui