As newcomers settle into their homes everywhere in Beijing this summer, one of the first experiences to seek out should be a walk into your neighborhood’s courtyard on a clear, clean summer evening. You’ll find grandmothers in loafers pushing babies around in strollers, toddlers in pigtails babbling and pointing at different insects, middle-aged women practicing their dance routines to blaring music, rowdy boys chasing each other on bikes, and old men setting up tables and stools for their favorite games.

These neighbors are the pulse of your community, and the first famous saying that should be taken to heart is  远亲不如近邻 (yuǎn qīn bù rú jìn lín). Translated into “neighbors are dearer than distant relatives,” this phrase will hopefully characterize this chapter of your life dedicated to China.

If you happen to be from North America, Australia, or the UK, you might want to take particular note to this article, as our societies have slowly lost the art of neighborliness. The Pew Research Center conducted a study in 2010 that revealed nearly half of Americans didn’t know their neighbors. Later research conducted by OnePoll revealed even more than half of American millennials cite busyness as the reason they have never spoken to neighbors, and instead sought out community online rather than next-door. This is despite their confession that they secretly crave greater local community involvement.

UK adults faired slightly better than Americans in having spoken to neighbors, though the relationships are mostly cold, keeping the other at arm’s length, with common knowledge such as full name, number of children, occupation, even length of living next door, often being basic topics which are never discussed (Churchill Home Insurance, 2017). And Australians perhaps have faired the worse, or perhaps have proven to be the most honest on their surveys, with the majority admitting to avoiding contact with those next door (Realestate.com.au, 2017).

But expats who live in Beijing will find that having good neighbor relations are essential to surviving in the first months and years, and these relationships will even be foundations for longer stays in the country.

Indian national Sarika Dhami has lived in Beijing for six years and feels particularly lucky to have found her current next-door neighbor Mischell. Previously based in Bangkok and a homemaker, Dhami has two children, an eight-year-old boy attending BCIS, and a three-and-half-year old girl attending a local Chinese kindergarten. Dhami has lived on the ground floor of her building for four years, after moving from an upper level in the same building.

For the first year living in the ground-level apartment, the then-pregnant Dhami didn’t know her neighbor was also expecting a girl. After she gave birth to her daughter Kaavya, Dhami spent the majority of time getting to know the ayi and caretaker of Mischell’s daughter Vivien.  But as the relationship between Kaavya and Vivien blossomed, Dhami and Mischell began spending more and more time together.

“Whenever I need help with something she helps. She’ll explain flyers to me or anything else I don’t understand in Chinese. If she finds good deals she’ll tell me. She’ll help me with Taobao, calling someone, or booking help,” Dhami explained.

The neighborliness isn’t one-sided either. “Our daughters are like sisters. Our doors stay open so they can play in each other’s home. Her daughter eats in my home, and we treat her daughter like our own, and it’s the same for them,” Dhami shared.

When either neighbor returns to their hometowns, they’ll bring gifts back to share. Since the girls are like sisters, if one family buys something for their daughter, they’ll buy a second for their other daughter next door. “If she buys anything, she buys two, and if I buy something, I buy two. If she bought a lollipop, then my daughter would get one too.”

They of course language swap, with Dhami teaching Mischell a bit of English, and Mischell teaching Dhami a bit of Chinese, and as Dhami is more connected to expat groups, she has been able to expose Mischell to a wider variety of friends.

“We used to go to each and every playgroup together, and I used to ask for special permission to take her to expat-only groups. I would explain that she’s my good friend and neighbor as our daughters are so close.”

Now that their daughters are getting older, Mischell started to look into international schooling for her daughter; she has often sought Dhami’s advice as she makes choices about school since Dhami’s son already attends BCIS. “We really try to help each other from the heart.”

Dhami and Mischell have an exceptional experience in being neighbors, and though their relationship is sweet, it shouldn’t be the benchmark. Dhami explained it really depends on the Chinese neighbor’s attitude. “There are people who don’t like to get mixed up with foreign people, but we should always be nice to Chinese people.” Dhami believes Chinese language is essential to a good relationship, but even without it, she suggests using a translator or even Google translate.

The work you put into language will pay off, as most of your neighbors are willing to help. They’re also more likely to be in location-based WeChat groups, like secondhand buy and sells, neighborhood news and events, and parents and kids playgroups. Though similar expat groups are helpful, expats tend to be more spread out from one another than the location-based groups of your community. On top of that, neighbors are typically more knowledgeable of what type of parks, malls, and playgrounds are within short distances from your home.

To round out cultural perspectives, I asked three good Chinese neighbors for their opinions, how they have built relationships with their neighbors, and what their suggestions would be for fresh expats.

Name: Annie Wang

Occupation: Mercedes-Benz Finance Department

Children: 2 sons, 14 years old and 19 years old

Hometown: Tianjin

Years in Beijing: 18 years

How long have you lived in your current apartment? 15 years

Number of foreign neighbors: Currently none, but she had a few in the past who stayed nearby for one or two years.

Summary of advice: Wang and her husband have made themselves available to give advice when neighbors ask about marriage and child rearing but they also share food they’ve cooked if its particularly tasty. Her neighbors in turn share vegetables they’ve grown. Wang described neighbor relationships that have evolved over time, as neighbors were closer in relation when children were younger. If an expat neighbor came by with the nostalgic plate of cookies, she would welcome the gesture, but mentioned she found it strange when expat neighbors gave their child the Chinese name Xiyangyang, the popular lamb cartoon.

Name: Marie Yuan

Occupation: Freelancer

Children: 1 son, 12 years old

Hometown: Tianjin

Years in Beijing: 22 years

How long have you lived in your current apartment? 4 years

Number of foreign neighbors: None

Summary of advice: Yuan pointed out that the closeness of neighbors depends on personalities, life stages and involvement with the property. Yuan was more involved in her community when she was an owner and when her son was younger, in a different neighborhood.  In that neighborhood she was very involved, going out to eat and shopping together, forming playgroups, and participating in online forums where neighbors hashed out complaints about trash and parking. In her rental in her new neighborhood, she holds packages for her elderly neighbors during the day when they’re out, but due to their significant difference in age, due to cultural respect, she doesn’t know their names beyond calling them aunt and uncle. She expects expats would have difficulty with elderly neighbors without learning Chinese, as it would be awkward to elderly Chinese having such a significant barrier.

Name: Xiao Hong Zhao

Occupation: Worker at SMIC Company

Children: 3 girls, 9 years old, 5 years old, 3 years old

Hometown: Yuncheng

Years in Beijing: 15 years

How long have you lived in your current apartment? 8 years

Number of foreign neighbors: Six or seven have lived in her building, and even more in her neighborhood.

Summary of advice: Zhao is active in her community, and knows the majority of her neighbors. She frequently greets them. Her advice to expats is that they respect both their own and Chinese way of life. Chinese neighbors might find expat behaviors strange, such as owning large black dogs, but that expats should still greet their Chinese neighbors warmly. She would find it to be a surprise for foreigners to share a plate of cookies if she didn’t know them before, but she does welcome neighborly behavior.

This article appeared in the beijingkids June 2019 Home & Relocation Guide issue.

Photo: Vanessa Jencks

For some people, making new friends comes easily, while for others it is a real push out of the comfort zone. However, I’d like to throw it out there and say that if you are living the expat life then, A: you already are out of your comfort zone, and B: making friends can be a lot easier than if you were moving to a new city in your home country.

As a generalization, I find it hard to slip into friendship group cliques in my home country because everyone has their group of friends, their routines, their comfort zone, and it can be even more difficult for someone new to break into a group which has been established for years. It’s completely different in an international city where English is not the first language. People come here alone or with their family, they are either new, know what it is like to be new, and usually open to making new friends. People are coming and going every year, so friendship circles are constantly moving and evolving. Although cliques and strong friendship groups do exist here, I generally find people more inclusive. 

Don’t be afraid to make small talk. In general, I find foreigners more than happy to chat to other foreigners, so start conversations in supermarkets, in schools, at swimming pools, in yoga classes, or at the park. Throw some interesting questions in such as ‘what do you like the most about Beijing so far?’ or ‘what is one of your best discoveries’ and you can usually start to find out if you have common interests and then trade WeChat IDs.

Get involved in WeChat groups. It’s a great way to initially find your ‘tribe’: health and fitness, fashion, sustainability, spirituality, food, crafts, or playgroups. Start chatting with others online and then attend events and activities where these people will be present, or set up your own small event and invite others.

Make the first move. Invite other moms to do stuff, either by themselves or with kids if your kids are a similar age. There are plenty of great indoor playgrounds with cafes attached where you can get to know each other. Accept as many invitations as you can, even if you don’t want to go. People will stop inviting you if you regularly don’t accept invites.

Don’t take rejection personally. If someone doesn’t reciprocate your invitations after the 2^nd or 3^rd one, move onto someone else. Look for friends who appreciate you for who you are. Beijing has thousands of expats, so there are plenty more fish in the sea.

Engage regularly. A new report from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships actually details a study where they found the hours of interaction required to turn an acquaintance into a casual friend (50 hours of interaction), a casual friend to friend (90 hours), and more than 200 hours to make a best friend. This means that you should commit yourself regularly to the same events, or groups where you think you want to grow your friendships.

Network. Some useful groups for developing friendships: your own country meet-ups (contact your embassy to find out when they have social events), Bumps2Babes playgroup network (for mom’s with under 4 year olds), MOPS (Moms of Pre-Schoolers), Knitting groups, Beijing Mother’s Guild, attend or sell your handmade products at regular markets (Riviera Chic, Rumble in the Jungle, F2N), Green Drinks, Taozi Tree yoga, HeyRobics community fitness, PartyFit, Alona Pilates, Le Leche League (breastfeeding support), Beijing Mindfulness Centre’s regular sessions, Mom & Me playgroups at BSB Shunyi, 3e International School Lido, Hello Future Kindergarten in the Western Academy of Beijing (WAB) area, International Women of Shunyi, Women’s Retreats, Expat Connection Family Events, InterNations, International Newcomers Network (INN), Beijing Women’s Network (BWN), cooking classes with Pauline’s Cuisine, TIE Family Club events, The Bookworm Literary Events, Beijing Expat Network, the British Club, the Scottish Society.

Photo: mothermag.com

Whether your kids are just starting kindergarten or entering the final year of high school, there are many good reasons for parents to volunteer at school. It’s a great way to show your kids that you take an interest in their education, and it sends a positive message that you consider school a worthwhile cause. Parent volunteers offer a huge resource and support base for the school community and are essential to organizing fundraising events and other school activities. Parent volunteers are also showing their kids the importance of participating in the larger community.

The school reaps the benefits of your involvement and you will, too. By interacting with teachers, administrators, and other parents on a regular basis, you’ll gain a greater understanding of your child’s daily activities. My kids go to Dulwich College Beijing (DCB) where all parents are automatically members of the Friends of DCB. The aim of the Friends committee is to raise money for charities and for the school, organize social events, support the school at certain events, and helps build that link between teachers and parents. But more than that, Friend’s provides a vital link to new comers, helping to create a sense of school community and belonging.

Like many schools, a lot of the activities and celebrations are organized by volunteers. At the beginning of the year there’s a sign-up sheet for class parents; a job which will involve collecting funds and organizing small celebrations (Halloween, my favorite lets-not-call-it-Christmas ‘Winter’ party, and the end of year party). I’ve signed up for various Friends roles in the five years I’ve been in Beijing. I’ve been a class parent, campus rep, had a brief stint in the chair’s chair, organized the UK stand at International Day (introducing the joys of Pimm’s & Lemonade) and more recently as part of the team organizing the annual Charity Dinner Dance.

Friend’s was a lifeline for me, when I arrived in Beijing during winter 2010. I had given up my career to relocate with my husband and our youngest, who was then aged 19 months. I needed to be doing something, to feel useful, and to feel a part of things. Along the way I have had the pleasure of meeting and making friends with so many wonderful parents. Some have been truly inspirational in the work they do for charities and those less fortunate. Others have been the perfect sounding board when life has been challenging. And there are those that have been behind so much laughter and some amazing nights out!

In just a few weeks’ time I will move with my family to Shanghai. I am looking forward to becoming involved once again in the school and parent community there. My kids love to see me involved in school activities and I know my time in Shanghai will be all the more enriched because of it.

beijingkids Shunyi Correspondent Sally Wilson moved to Beijing in 2010 from the UK with her husband and son. Her daughter was born here in 2011 and both her kids keep her happily busy. In her spare time, Sally loves to stroll through Beijing’s hutongs and parks. She is a (most of the time) keen runner and loves reading: books, magazines, news, and celeb websites – anything really. Sally is also a bit of a foodie and loves trying out new restaurants.

Photos: David Goehring (Flickr) and courtesy of Sally Wilson

It doesn’t usually take much for kids to make friends and start playing together, but sometimes, a prop will go a long way towards helping your children make new friends. If you walk outside with the notion of sharing, there is almost no end to the number of kids you can meet on a sunny afternoon in a community space inside an apartment compound or in a public space.

The other day, without even giving it much thought, I retrieved a box of chalk for my daughter and two of her friends to draw with. They had been using the white stones that decorate our compound garden, but they were not making much headway in creating their imagined pictures. Armed with colored chalk, the three got busy on the sidewalk and started transforming the brick path into a multi-colored wall. Before long, other kids joined in. Some continued on the wall, others did their own thing nearby, but every kid that passed, even children much older, wanted in on the chalk action. This experience taught my daughter and I what a simple catalyst chalk can be for forming new bonds of friendship within the community. We have now added sidewalk chalk (the big pieces) to our online shopping list.

Another great suggestion is bubbles. Buy a few extra bottles and watch the kids (and adults) light up with smiles.

photo courtesy of Christopher Lay

Many freshmen are overwhelmed with how to deal with orientation and buying books during their first week of college. Here are three pointers for welcome week.

Don’t do orientation first, if possible. Go straight to your dorm room first to put away your belongings and get to know your roommates.
All freshmen are required to go to orientation on the first day of school, but I recommend arriving early to drop off your stuff at the dorm. I arrived at my dorm room after orientation to find that both of my roommates in our triple had claimed their beds, so I was stuck with the upper bunk (although it was later lowered to a bed), with no closet space for me in the bedroom (I had to use the common room closet).

If you arrive at your new dorm room later rather than sooner, there is no time to divvy up the desks, beds and closets. This may not be your experience, but it is common for three students to be placed in a double dorm room. And in my case, showing up on the first day after orientation meant I had a far-away closet and an undesirable top bunk bed.

Don’t buy your textbooks the first week of class, because you might want to change your schedule around.
A lot of colleges don’t let first-time freshmen choose their courses. However, here’s a secret about the bureaucratic administration of nearly all colleges: It might still be possible to add classes, in which case, you should look up the course online and find a professor who can add you to their class. Another tip is for getting into classes that fill up fast: Get on the class’s waiting list as soon as possible (perhaps that very first semester), so that you are next in line for a spot next semester.

Put yourself out there and meet people, even if it doesn’t feel like they’re friend material. At some point, the window of opportunity to make friends will be gone (or at least it will become much narrower).
During the first week of school, you will probably meet more students than you ever will during the rest of your college career. As the school year progresses and welcome week ends, people will have more or less formed their groups and become less susceptible to making new friends or talking to their classmates.

"Life Beyond Beijing” is a series of posts that chronicles a former international school student’s experiences in college. They’re written by Elizabeth Wu, a returning beijingkids summer intern.  A former student of BWYA and CISB, she just completed her freshman year of journalism and will be returning to The New School in New York City this fall.

Image via educationsitescatalog.com