Good manners can go a long way in influencing how people view you, not to mention significantly strengthen your own opinion of yourself. Today, most teens seem to have forgotten about the importance of proper etiquette and often struggle to act accordingly in certain situations. Whether it’s a symptom of social media use and increased isolation or something else, the bottom line is that younger generations are finding it harder to fit in with new groups of people, which in turn can lead to decreased levels of self-respect.

Ever since my early childhood, five key etiquette rules have been impressed upon me by the older members of my family. Rules which, looking back now, have helped me in many aspects of my everyday life.

Five Key Etiquette Rules:

1. Don’t interrupt other peoples’ conversations

One way to demonstrate respect for others is to not involve yourself in their conversations unless explicitly asked to do so. Interrupting someone else’s conversation is regarded as pretty annoying, and will definitely cause others to think less of you. By not getting involved, you’re also exercising patience, which is a key skill everyone should have.

2. Think of others as much as you do yourself

When interacting with a large group of people, it’s easy to lose sight of how each individual is feeling, or coping with the situation. An important part of maturing is acting selflessly, and the first step to doing so is thinking of others rather than just yourself.

3. Keep quiet if you have nothing notable to add

Group discussions can go on for a while, and run the risk of digressing, however, generally speaking, they should stick to a certain theme. Grinding these discussions to a halt by adding unnecessary and irrelevant bits of information paints you as irritating, despite your best intentions. Furthermore, learning to stay on track with the topic at hand can help you become a more focused individual in other aspects of your life.

4. Don’t be the only one having a good time

In large groups, there are always bound to be some people who find fitting in a bit more challenging. This is mainly down to some folks being introverts, and spending some time with them in private or helping them find comfort in the current environment can help ease them into an overwhelming social situation. Actions speak louder than words, so by actually helping those around you, you demonstrate sincere selflessness that others will, either consciously or unconsciously, respond to.

5. Act appropriately in any given situation

This may seem like a given, but to be honest, we aren’t always as mindful of it as we should be. Basically, there are different ways we should act when in certain places or in the company of certain people. Naturally, when with friends at a restaurant or at someone’s home the mood will be lighter and more carefree. Needless to say, however, on more serious occasions the atmosphere should be more professional and sober. Learning to act accordingly in any given situation will not only help you practice more self-control but will also make you seem more experienced in the process.

All of these etiquette rules have contributed to both my high self-esteem and respectability, and by following these guidelines I believe teens around the world will become better people in the long run.

KEEP READING: A Comedy of Manners: Making Sense of China’s Subtle Social Cues

Images: Unsplash

I totally and completely understand the culture shock that happens which sometimes turns into cultural fatigue. But what has frustrated me is watching whole families allowing that to be an excuse to be downright rude and culturally insensitive. I reached out to Chinese friends and expats to see which bad habits really tick them off.

1. Complaining about Everything

Foreigners complain about everything from infrastructure, food, water, culture, government policies, social rules to the language. I’ll cut your kids some slack since they’re still learning how to be adults, but when a grown man with a beard starts acting like a pre-teen, that man is 不礼貌 (bù lǐmào) (not polite).

2. Judging before Understanding

I hope I never hear “That’s dumb” come out of my own mouth when I see or hear something I don’t understand about daily life or culture in the capital. I would suggest others prone to this instead ask, “Why is this person doing this?” or “I don’t understand this process. Please explain it to me.” If understanding still is elusive, I try to ask more clear, pointed questions. When I’m baffled and still can’t understand, I just remember, I chose to come here.

3. Standing on the Left

Frequent commuters on the subway know that if you want to stand on the escalator, stand to the right. The left side is used for walking up the escalator. Although foreigners aren’t the only ones who do this, it certainly stands out when a family is the only group on the escalator blocking the anxious businessman from rushing ahead.

4. Not Speaking Chinese

Confession: I went to my local market and was looking for ground beef. I tried to communicate with the butcher, but he got frustrated.

“How long have you been here?” he interrupted.

“Well, two years,” I replied sheepishly.

“Why can’t you speak Mandarin yet? You’ve been here for two years!”

I rattled off excuses of kids, work, blah, blah, blah through broken Mandarin.

It’s easy to get in the expat bubble, but don’t let that language vacuum cause your Mandarin to slip or the butcher will burn you like he did me.

5. Coming Unprepared

This is related to number four because tellers at banks are secretly whispering expletives under their breath when foreigners come in without a translator and without any documents ready and prepared. Tasks take significantly longer even through perfect translation. When there’s a foreign passport involved (or five depending upon family size), sometimes steps are suddenly added to the process.

I know it’s incredibly annoying to be patient at a business when most are used to “efficiency” but keep in mind they (the service industry people) might not be happy to see you either. Foreigners ask a lot of questions Chinese clients don’t since many already know how these processes work. Second tip, have a Chinese friend call ahead to find out exactly what is needed ready before arrival.

6. Carrying the White Card

Be careful flaunting the salaries that you or your spouse might have in comparison to a Chinese coworker. Under that sort of situation, nationals struggle not to think the better pay is simply because of skin tone and passport.

7. Being Racist

In an unnamed English office, an expat friend witnessed a group of foreign teachers talking about Chinese culture. One man of several children gestured widely, “Chinese people are so dumb. They can’t figure out anything on their own. 小米 copied iPhone, Baidu copied Google, Youku copied YouTube. Can’t their people be innovative?” The English speaking teaching aide steamed with anger. Most families are here to work. I suggest not biting the hands feeding your kids.

8. Squatty Potty Not-y Attitude

Guess what? In some bathrooms in Beijing, but more prominently in rural China, people squat to unload. The squatty potties in Beijing are sometimes clean and the holes in the ground elsewhere are comparable to porta potties at popular but under financed sports tournaments. Squatty potties certainly have their strange factor, but they also have many advantages. The position is better for your colon, easier for toddlers to aim correctly while potty training (peeing down vs. peeing up and over), and more hygienic when all you touch is the stall room door. I personally prefer never touching but sharing a Beijing squatty over hovering uncomfortably over a public seat that’s been touched by a million butts in New York City. Welcome to China, squat and potty train with joy!

9. Being Ungrateful

Although this complaint was mentioned by a friend without an example, I’ve personally witnessed expat teachers becoming a bit entitled. The teacher typically comes to a school and a coworker might be assigned to help the expat’s family settle in.  More than likely, that coworker is not making money in helping.   They’re not paid to help expat families turn electricity back on in the middle of the night so their kids won’t freeze. They don’t owe anyone anything as they’re not the employer and most have already signed their contract terms. That’s just called being awesome, and they should be thanked profusely.

10. Acting Like a Picky Eater Toddler/Adult

In general, Chinese people are very proud of their varied and regional cuisines. Therefore, bashing the food for its spiciness, oddities, and any other unappetizing qualities are not going to be heard with applause. If you don’t like a dish, just say, “谢谢。 我不要了.” (xiè xiè. wǒ bù yaò le.) (Thank you, I don’t want it).  If they ask you if you like the flavor, you can respond politely with 一般般。(yī bān bān.) (A little bit). They’ll take the hint, but they would have great pleasure in knowing you enjoyed their food. Good news is that home cooked food is almost always tastier than what’s found on the street or in restaurants.

As regular readers will know, I have recently returned from a trip to Japan. The only disappointment of a wonderful experience was Shibuya Crossing. This junction, famous from a thousand time-lapse montages, is known as “The Scramble”, after the moment when the lights change and thousands of people surge across.

The Scramble was disappointing because it seemed not only smaller in real life, but also extremely well organized. If you want to see a scramble, I thought, try crossing the Third Ring Road at Tuanjiehu: cars turning right at red lights, bikes and tuk-tuks edging forward into the flow of traffic, pedestrians wandering out more or less at random into a six lane road.

And this seemed to me to exemplify the most striking cultural difference between Japan and China (or Beijing at least): the level of courtesy and consideration to others. I’m not referring to the subjective social codes which govern eating, gift-giving, etc, but the simple fact that, no matter how busy the Osaka street or how crowded the Tokyo train, you are unlikely to be jostled.

It occurred to me that, for this to be possible, it requires the cooperation not only of jostler but of jostlee. When you’re trying to get off the subway, and someone is standing in front of the exit, apparently oblivious to your presence, there is often little choice but to barge your way past. I recently read a listicle entitled something like “20 things British people do”, and one of them was “touching your bag half an hour before your station so the person next to you knows you’re going to get off.” It is these discreet signals and unspoken codes which make it possible to live in a densely populated country without constantly bumping into each other.

As a parent, I worry about the impact on my children’s behavior. When we first arrived, my son was appalled that people didn’t apologize after knocking into him. Now, he jostles with the best of them. I theorized at first that physical contact was not seen as a big deal, and this was why no apology was considered necessary. Later however I learned that it may be an unlikely relic of Confucian traditions. In Confucianism you owe duties to those above you and below you in the hierarchy. Where there is no relationship, there is no duty, and so strangers effectively are treated as though they don’t exist.

Whether or not this is true, I will continue to try to instill in my children an awareness of and respect for those around them. When we return to England, I don’t want to have to shout, as I did so often in Japan, “Stop pushing! You’re not in Beijing now!”

Photo: Yoshikazu Takada

Writing this post in the middle of November, I’m aware both parents and students are in the thick of the overseas school application process. Given the competitiveness to study at both boarding school and colleges overseas, I’m not surprised that parents are becoming more and more involved earlier. 

Students do need their parents to partner with them in the application process, to provide guidance and encouragement, but too often parents overstep their role and provide too much help — which could actually hurt a student’s acceptance chances. Not to mention, you take away an opportunity for  your child to build resilience and self-confidence. Imagine how your child would feel if at the end of the day, they were accepted to their dream school because of your efforts and not theirs?

• Ensure decision-making is a two-way street that should be made by both you and your child together. Ultimately, it’s your child who is attending the school; if your child has visited the school and has had the opportunity to gauge his / her own interests in them and balance the pros and cons of each, listen to their opinion and have a frank discussion on the best choice for your child. However, don’t impose your decision on them without consulting them first. 
• Don’t micromanage the whole process for your child and nag them about deadlines and tasks to do. If you come across as too naggy, you take any enjoyment out of completing all those applications. It’s tough enough as it is already; your child doesn’t need you to stress them out any further. If you need to remind your child to do things, try other methods such as wall calendars in a visible location or scheduled reminders through applications such as Google Calendar or To-Do apps on smartphones. At some point your child will need to learn to deal with important life-changing activities — including meeting deadlines and solving problems they may face along the way.
• Set a good example to your child by being courteous and polite when you communicate with admissions officers. Thank them if they spend time answering your questions or meeting you in person. Greet them with their proper titles, do your homework by researching the schools before you meet them and ask questions that show you have put some thought into it. For reference, refer to our post on application etiquette.
• Let your child be himself / herself. Don’t try to overly “package” them into something that you think admissions officers want to see. Schools value individuality and a student pool with a diverse range of experiences. Foster your child’s interests and what he / she is good at. It’s acceptable for them to do the different from their friends.
• Don’t add your voice to your child’s essays or personal statements. Let your child write them. Your child will be able to provide nuances that can add vitality to their application. These small details can often be the most revealing. More importantly, by allowing your child to write his / her own essays, you’re giving them a chance to practice doing something that they will have to do frequently once they are in their new academic environment and to build crucial communication skills. You can review your children’s essays by offering suggestions and helping them proofread for grammar and spelling but do not control the content.
• If your child has the opportunity to interview or meet school representatives, take a step back and let your child meet the admissions officers on his / her own. Let your child be the focus of the admissions’ officers attention. Let your child answer and ask questions on his / her own and don’t rush in to fill in the gaps that you think are missing. Your child has an opinion; let them express it and if they’re curious they will have questions. Schools look for students who can speak up for themselves and who are unafraid to ask questions. Besides, learning to do so and self-advocating is an important part of life.
• Provide your 100% encouragement and support. Your child might not make the choices that you want them to make, they might procrastinate here and there, they might occasionally want to give up faced with setbacks, but be supportive and guide them through the process. Don’t make it into an overly-competitive process by comparing your child to their friends or your friends’ children. During this time, in between school, test prep, extra-curricular activities and school applications, do your best to help them maintain a healthy lifestyle.

 Photo courtesy of Prep Beijing

Alicia Lui is a co-founder at Prep Beijing!, a coaching company focusing on core soft skills such as effective communication, social and emotional skills, etiquette, critical thinking and leadership skills. Prior to founding Prep Beijing! She has worked in management consulting and in banking. She holds and MBA from INSEAD and Bachelor’s from University of Chicago