There’s an unofficial name for today – Twosday. It’s 2.22.2022 and it’s indeed a Tuesday. All around the world lovebirds are making today their wedding day, believing it to be the luckiest day of the year to tie the knot.

So, in the spirit of everlasting love, we’re dedicating all our posts to marriage today.

If you ever get invited to a Chinese wedding, you have to go! They’re super fun – at least for the guests! However, as our writer Nimo Wanjau explains, there are some essential things to know and expect before showing up on the big day.

Witness

In a Chinese wedding, there isn’t a signing of the marriage certificate after saying the vows, as this is done beforehand at the registrar’s office at the local government’s office. You will find that the ceremony is more of a presentation of the couple. Sometimes, the couple will have been legally married for weeks, sometimes years, before the wedding ceremony takes place.

Photographs

Well, you must have seen couples in the parks or famous landmarks in wedding attire getting photos taken. This is for the wedding album and/or banners at the wedding. The wedding album contains more romantic scenes than photos taken at the actual wedding. These photos are usually displayed at the wedding ceremony and at the couple’s home later on.

Gifts

Couples won’t have a registry of the things you can give for gifts but the custom is to give the couple money in red envelopes (or hongbao). The money shouldn’t be in multiples of four as this is considered a sign of bad luck. Additional note by editor: In these cases, the number 9 has a nice ring to it, as it sounds like “long-lasting” in Chinese, as in the phrase 长长久久 (Zhǎng cháng jiǔjiǔ).

Party favors

Most Chinese weddings will have a box filled with whatever the couple picks out. The favors are given or picked up at the end when the couple sees you off and gives thanks for attending, or leaves it at your seat when you arrive. Traditional party favors include candy and cigarettes, but nowadays they can include finer gifts like custom-designed toiletries, perfumes, or jewelry for guests to remember the special day.

Colors

Traditionally, wearing white was a big no-no as that’s reserved for funerals. However, now even the bride wears white. Dark colors such as black, dark blue, or gray should still be avoided as people don’t wear this. You can’t go wrong with anything red. Red is associated with success, prosperity, love, and loyalty – that’s why most of the decorations will also be red. Gold is also a good choice to pick as this is associated with wealth and fortune.

Couples will change attire twice, switching between Western and the Chinese qipao, depending on the preferences of what they want to wear and when.

Alcohol

Baijiu is serious business! At weddings, the newlywed will take a lap around the hall to toast with every table if not with every guest.

KEEP READING: Intriguing Pre-Marriage Rituals From Around The World

Images: BBC, Sourced from China Highlights

There’s an unofficial name for today – Twosday. It’s 2.22.2022 and it’s indeed a Tuesday. All around the world lovebirds are making today their wedding day, believing it to be the luckiest day of the year to tie the knot.

So, in the spirit of everlasting love, we’re dedicating all our posts to marriage today.

I don’t believe in love at first sight or relationships that are all sunshine and roses. Life isn’t a Disney movie. Relationships take work and it’s through trial, error, and plenty of mistakes along the way, that we learn about ourselves and our partners.

Deep inside the mountain of relationship advice piled on you by family and friends, chances are there’s at least one piece of good advice that you took to heart.

Today, on 2.22.2022, we’ve asked Beijing’s expat community to share with us some of the best relationship advice they’ve ever received.

“The hard times are the most important ones for the relationship. Value them.” – Carlos Ore

“After an argument, never go to bed without making peace (or love)!” – Alessia Chizzoniti

“Acknowledging all kinds of feelings instead of trying to fix them would really be the game-changer. Accepting the negative ones but not trying to fix them needs wisdom and bravery to practice. The value of all feelings in our relationship is all about being ‘felt’ but not being ‘fixed.'”  – Shu Qi

“Don’t talk about it with other people, talk about it with your partner. While your friends and family may have your best interest at heart, it’s not really their business.” – Yazmin Jamil

“[My husband] and I took PET (parent effectiveness training) when [our daughter]was about 1 year old. It actually helped us the most to communicate as a couple and business partners. 1) Active listening 2) How to send an ‘I’ message.” – Toni Ma

“Understand the Love Language of your partner.” – Angie Chan

While it’s undoubtedly important to give a relationship your all and to love your partner, there’s one piece of advice that came up multiple times, and it has nothing to do with another person.

“You have to love yourself first.”

What’s more, it’s important to recognize that when it comes to relationships, not every one of them works out. Some people come into your life only to teach you a valuable lesson and move on.

“If you have doubts whether if he loves you, then he probably doesn’t.” – Marlon Ma

KEEP READING: Love in the Time of Corona: Jim & Jen’s Expat Love Story

Images: Pexels

As was widely reported last week, a Shandong court ruled that infidelity alone was not grounds for divorce. The ruling stated “When a married person is caught cheating, their behavior is not cohabitation as long as they do not live with the lover for a long, steady period, so their spouses cannot file for divorce for this reason. Furthermore, they cannot use adultery as the reason to request compensation for damages.”

This raised a lot of questions within the expat community about what, if any effect, it could have on relationships between foreigners and Chinese citizens. A deep dive down a legal rabbit hole left us feeling illiterate and useless so we sought out an expert. Edgar Choi is an attorney with Liangma Law Firm, an author with Tsinghua University Press, and the administrator of the WeChat group Law In A Min 24. He kindly answered all our questions in a way that didn’t make us feel like we had wasted money on a degree.

In general, What are some of the challenges that an expat and a Chinese national might face during the divorce process in China?

1. Court is mandatory: Cross-country couples that are married abroad must go through the court in order to get a divorce. Unlike a marriage between two Chinese citizens, who may simply sign a divorce agreement and get divorced in 30 days, marriages that involve one expat, or two expats require litigation. This means, even if both parties fully agree on getting a divorce and have it in writing, they must go to court nevertheless. Cross-Country Couples that are married in China may get divorced by agreement however.
2. Language Barrier: Trials in China are carried out in Chinese, not English, Spanish, French, Russian, etc. This means if an expat does not speak fluent Chinese, a translator will be needed. The court may provide you a translator at your expense if you cannot come up with one. Unlike other civil lawsuits like contractual disputes or labor disputes, both parties are legally required to appear in court as the judge will want to ask questions in order to understand why both parties want a divorce.
3. Time: In China, we have a saying that translates to: ‘We would rather demolish a temple than to divorce a couple.’ It is deeply embedded in Chinese culture that marriages are sacred, and all couples go through quarrels. Therefore, judges usually rule on not granting a divorce at the court of first instance. Once this ruling is effective, you must wait at least six months before filing for divorce again. Normally, it takes around six months to get a trial date after submitting for divorce, so 6+6+6 equals 18 months, and that is the time you must consider when filing for a divorce.
4. Cost: I would highly recommend expats to hire a bilingual divorce lawyer, or at least a translator + Chinese-only lawyer when it comes to having a lawsuit, even in your home country. You will be at a great disadvantage if the other party hires a lawyer and you don’t. Bilingual divorce lawyers are rare in China, and scarcity means high prices. You will be looking at a five-digit number for a simple divorce case, and even a six-digit number if there is property to be divided, like an apartment and custody issues.
5. Traveling expenses: If you are in a city like Beijing, Shanghai, or Shenzhen, there is a chance that your wife’s hukou isn’t from this city, but from another province. If she hasn’t been in this city for more than two consecutive years, you might have to sue her in her hometown. The Beijing court might decide to not accept the case, or even if they accept it, they may kick it to your wife’s hometown court citing jurisdiction issues.

What are the laws surrounding children that may have resulted from this union?
A few factors are considered when granting custody of children, and the age of the child is an important factor.

1. Under 2: Mothers are usually granted custody to children under 2, due to breastfeeding issues. However, if both parties agree that the father shall be responsible for taking care of the child, the court will respect both parties’ wishes.
2. 2-8: Financial situations and free time shall be determining factors in this case. The court will grant the father custody if:
   • Father has been sterilized/is infertile.
   • The child has lived with the father for most of the time, and it will harm the child’s growth if the mother is granted custody.
   • The Father has no other children, while the mother has other children.
   • The Mother is mentally/physically ill, has drug, alcohol, domestic violence, or gambling problems.
3. Above 8: The child’s choice will be the main determining factor. The court respects the child’s choice here as he is old enough to determine whether he wants to be with mama or papa.

The Chinese court ruled infidelity is not grounds for a divorce. But if infidelity is grounds for dissolution in the expats’ home country, can they file there?
Article 1079 of the Civil Code specifies that if one spouse commits bigamy or cohabitates with another person, the court will grant a divorce. Moreover, Article 1091 stipulates that the no-fault party may claim compensation if the other party commits bigamy. In fact, bigamy is a criminal offense that carries a two-year sentence.

However, in reality, if there is infidelity in the expat’s home country, it may be hard for the other party to gather evidence, as overseas evidence may not be recognized by a court in China due to the difficulty in proving the validity of that evidence. Photos can be photoshopped, videos can be deep fakes, audio recordings can be doctored. Hence, the evidence must go under a procedure called notarization before it can be used in court.

Would a divorce from a foreign governing body be seen as legitimate in China?
China will not recognize such divorce ruling under these four circumstances:

1. The verdict is not valid yet.
2. The foreign court has no jurisdiction over the case.
3. The judgment was made in the absence of the defendant and without legal summons.
4. The Chinese court is hearing or has made a judgment, or the divorce judgment made by the court of a third country has been recognized by the Chinese court.

Nevertheless, if you want China to recognize a ruling made by a foreign court, you must submit in writing such claims to a city-level court, also called a middle-level court.

Do you think this ruling will have any effects on marriage rates? Are people more likely to think twice about saying “I do”?
Objectively speaking, the marriage rate in China has been on a steady decline for the past eight years. In 2013, there were 13 million newly-weds, with a marriage rate of 9.9 percent. In 2020, only 8 million with a rate of 5.8 percent. 8 million is the population of Hong Kong and it is a shockingly low number. It is clear that people are reluctant to get married and have children. In fact, I am in no rush to get married within 15 years either. My generation faces problems like an overpriced real estate industry which deters us from getting married. Having at least one property is basically a must when it comes to getting married. Moreover, the cost of raising a child has increased substantially when compared to my parent’s generation. I will definitely give a lot of thought and write up a sound pre-nuptial agreement before getting married.

To get all your own headache-inducing legal questions answered you can contact Choi through his email, edgarwlchoi@law-lm.com, or via WeChat using the QR Code below.

Images: Edgar Choi, pexels

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Living abroad has a funny effect on relationships. Couples seem to either grow significantly closer or disintegrate under the pressure of a new country, culture, home, and job (or lack of one in the case of many spouses.) There are few reliable statistics on the issue, ex-pats are by nature hard to keep track of. But expatresearch.com claims a whopping 70% of “failed relocations” site family issues as the cause.

Depression, infidelity, and social isolation are the leading causes of these issues according to relationship expert Adele Theron in a 2018 CityLife article.

The good news is it’s not a coin toss. You have control over whether your overseas adventure helps build and strengthen your relationship or ends it. Common wisdom says to focus on open communication, problem-solving, and asking for and sharing needs. But that can be difficult at the best of times and with the stress of a new life in a strange country and the additional isolating effects of Covid-19 many couples seek out professional counseling. Here are a few resources available in Beijing and online. As always you should do your own due diligence in selecting a medical professional.

Joanne Harris Adult & Child Counsellor. Provides online counseling in English for people 15 and older. Available weekday evenings. Areas of experience are anxiety, depression, stress, loss, transition & family/relationship dynamics. Contact info WeChat: wxid_5tdgv12mkip312 Email: lifechangescounselling@protonmail.com

Dr. Mike Merhvarz Psychologist, English, Farsi, Mandarin; individual, couple & marriage therapy; ADHD, ADD, Dyslexia, Asperger, Autism, pediatric developmental assessment, psychological and neuropsychological testing. International Medical Center, Beijing. For more information email dr.mike@imcclinics.com

Danielle Harris. Dongcheng, evenings and Saturdays. Online Child and adult psychotherapist. Works with people 14 and older.  Among others anxiety, addiction, depression, trauma, transition, stress loss. WeChat: dani-1926.

Ms. Masooma Kachelo, MS MFT, Certified Mindfulness Teacher, English. Works weekdays in the Shunyi/Chaoyang area. 15 years of experience. Uses mindfulness-based approaches for working with those suffering from depression, anxiety, and trauma-related relational challenges. WeChat: mindfulturn-mas

Dr. Michelle Mope Andersson English and Swedish, pastoral counselor for adults and couples, Dongzhimenwai. Needs-based sliding scale. Existential therapy, marriage, and family. For more information email mopeandersson@yahoo.com.

Online Resources:

Expat Therapy: Therapy for Expats, Privacy Protected, Fully Licensed – Start With A Free Consultation Now. Wherever You Are, Online Therapy With Your Own Online Therapist From the Comfort of Home. Secure. In 4 Languages. No Waiting List. Affordable. Flexible Details here.

Expat Exchange: Expat counselors and psychotherapists provide services to expats who have adjustment and other personal, professional and familial issues while living abroad. Expat life can be much more rewarding with the help of these trained professionals. Details here.

 KEEP READING: Tell Me About Your Day: The Pros and Cons of the “Therapist Friend”

Images: Unsplash

Mid last month a divorce case in Beijing became a legal milestone in China. A woman surnamed Wang received RMB 50,000 compensation for the household labor she did during their marriage. It was the first time a divorce case had a ruling like this and the compensation was different from the normal division of assets. This RMB 50,000 was paid to the woman specifically for the household labor during their marriage since she was responsible for most of the domestic work which included taking care of their children and maintain the house.

The case sparked discussion online regarding the amount paid and also the aspect of gender inequality. To put it into perspective, a full-time live-in ayi in Beijing costs (on average) RMB 7,500 per month. The reports didn’t specify how long the couple was married, but essentially she was awarded what amounts to six-and-half months of a Beijing ayi’s salary.

But last year brought about a possible new reality for parents – e-learning. If Wang, a housewife, had been responsible for the domestic work in the house as well as care for their children and conducting e-learning, then shouldn’t her compensation be that of a teacher’s and not an ayi’s?

We contacted Steve Li, adoringly known as Lawyer Steve by the many expats whom he offers free legal advice to, on the matter. “This is a case that ruled based on the newly enforced Civil Code (Civil Code of the People’s Republic of China). This ruling, as a milestone case, was made according to Article 1088 of the Civil Code, which stipulates that “Where one spouse is burdened with additional duties for raising children, looking after the elderly, or assisting the other spouse in his/her work, the said spouse has the right to request for compensation upon divorce against the other party, and the other party shall make due compensation.”, Li tells us. So what does that mean? If one spouse gives up their job to take care of the family full time, then he/she should be compensated for their work.

Under the framework of the Civil Code, the final decision for the amount of compensation awarded to the stay-at-home spouse rests on the judge. The judge may take into account factors including:

1. The time that both parties live together after marriage
2. The at-home spouse’s specific contribution in housework
3. The working spouse’s personal income
4. Average local standard of living

Since the ruling of this particular divorce settlement last month, any divorce case going forward will need to take into account the domestic contributions of the stay-at-home spouse. According to Li’s understanding of the interpretation since this ruling, the more a stay-at-home spouse contributes to the family, the more they should be compensated in the divorce.

Steve Li practice covers International Trade, Maritime Affairs, Litigation and Arbitration, Real Estate, FDI, and more. To get in touch, call 152 0187 6913 or email:steve.li@sinoparlaw.com.

KEEP READING: What Rights Do You Have as an International Teacher in China?

Images: Pexels

As of yesterday (Jan 1) Chinese citizens seeking a mutual divorce must wait 30 days before they can get break the knot.

When I first read that news, I thought my eyes were backward. Did this mean the waiting period was longer and so the government decided to shorten it to 30 days? That sounds like a great idea for anyone looking to end a marriage, especially an abusive or unfulfilling one. I come from the land of long, drawn-out divorce proceedings, where it can be a very painful and expensive process for everyone involved until it’s final. Many friends are stuck in limbo and loans until it’s all sorted. So it’s hard for me to imagine what the reality in China was before yesterday: if the divorce was mutually agreed upon, you could file for divorce and get it immediately, sometimes within an hour.

But with this new law looming in some couple’s minds, lines outside of marriage bureaus started to multiple. According to Chinese media site Sixth Tone:

Outside the marriage registration bureau in Huangpu, a security guard surnamed Yin told Sixth Tone that, by his observation, twice as many couples were visiting the building to sever their marital ties.

“There are so many people coming to get divorced this month. Everyone wants to get it done before the cool-off period,” Yin said, taking a drag from a cigarette. “On typical days, we would have 20 couples on average. Now, there are at least 40 to 50 per day. And people start lining up early in the morning.”

In 2018, nearly 4.5 million people got divorced in China, also according to earlier reporting by Sixth Tone, six times the number in 1987. According to the Bangkok Post, 1.3 million couples decided to take advantage of the divorce by mutual consent law when it was first enacted in 2003. After quarantining together for the initial COVID-19 outbreak in early 2020, that number rose significantly. Divorce counselors reported to Sixth Tone that couples either had fragile relationships before lockdown which were exacerbated by the togetherness, or they worked so far away from one another that they rarely saw each other as much as they did in those 2-3 months, and in the end, they did not like what they saw.

Another common argument coming out of lockdown was from mothers who shoulder most of the housework and childcare while their husbands work long hours. It seemed like a reasonable arrangement when husbands worked outside the home, even if the mother also works full-time, but then some spouses still didn’t help when they were home all day. To be fair, this debate rages on in many other countries as well.

This may be the reason why lawmakers approved the “30-day cooling-off period” for divorce last May, to curb the numbers as 2020 dragged on. Representative Feng Fan, Vice President of Jiangxi New Social Class Association, told The People’s Daily that “In recent years, the phenomenon of reckless divorce has increased, which is not conducive to the stability of the marriage and family and has caused varying degrees of harm to minor children. The draft improves the divorce system, increases the divorce cooling-off period system, and fixes the divorce cooling-off period institutionally, which can encourage both spouses to more calmly consider how to handle the marriage relationship, which will help establish a good family-style, promote family virtues, and advocate Public order and good customs.”

But lawmakers saw little to no support in the general public for such a law, particularly while discussions are seemingly opening up around domestic violence recently. In fact, soon after the announcement, Lu Hongbing of the National Committee of the Chinese People’s Political Consultative Conference and vice chairman of the National Lawyers Association had to clarify to the Beiwan New Vision Network that in the matter of domestic abuse, couples could forego the 30-day cooling-off period. Divorces resulting from extramarital affairs, usually handled by lawsuits, are also not included in this new law.

Chinese lawmakers hoped this law would strengthen the values in marriages, but the responses shown in media overall appear that it’s making couples more skeptical about getting married in the first place. Only time will tell if thirty days is enough time to make enough amends that couples seeking divorce won’t go through with it, or have a less desired effect.

KEEP READING: Break the Silence: Who To Call if You are a Victim of Domestic Violence

Images: Pexels

Talk in expat groups throughout Beijing and the rest of China is the Chinese government’s new directive to temporarily halt the entry of foreign holders of Chinese visas and residency permits. This is as a result of the surging numbers cases of COVID-19 the world over. It is a preemptive measure that many expected would eventually happen, but no one could have foreseen it happening quite so soon. This move leaves certain groups in limbo.

As we continue to question just how COVID-19 might be the new main culprit in the dissolution of marriages in China, we also continue to receive answers to divorce-related questions in China from divorce lawyer Matthias Schroeder LL.M. In what is turning into an international storm of uncertainty and worry, we continue to wonder whether COVID-19 truly will be the reason why couples say ‘I did but I don’t anymore’.

What would lead to a divorce being less than amicable?

Children and money.

Before a divorce is finalized, are there any special steps/ procedures/ requirements that a couple must meet in order to finalize the divorce?

No – when both parties agree to the divorce. If both parties are Chinese, they can go to the registration office and get a 10 Yuan-10 minutes divorce.

If one foreigner is involved there is a court proceeding necessary before the court in charge.

For a non-amicable divorce in China it is in general required that the couple has separated for at least two years and proof of such separation needs to be provided.

Are divorce rates higher between foreigner-Chinese couples or local couples?

I have no reliable data to show, which divorce rate of the couples is higher. In general, we have more clients where either both spouses are foreign or one is foreign and one Chinese.

The divorce cost of a cross-border marriage is higher and more complex as compared to a local marriage. Therefore, persons in a cross-border marriage are more reluctant to file for divorce. On the other hand, many Chinese couples remain married for good even after their separation. They start new lives as “married bachelors”. This is a practical approach which avoids social stigma. The family network remains intact. Only if one partner wants to live permanently together with someone else or wants to re-marry then divorce becomes unavoidable.

Maintaining a mixed culture relationship tends to be more of a task. Mixed couples meet the same dynamics and challenges as local couples and they have one additional feature – they are from different cultures. If at least one spouse has not learned or does not learn to communicate without too much reference to their own culture, then chances for misunderstandings are more as compared to the non-mixed couples. Misunderstandings can accumulate and may add pressure to the relationship. Or couples learn to accept misunderstandings and find ways or procedures to communicate them. With both we help couples with a unique training program.

Are the reasons the foreigners give for divorce different from the ones offered by local couples?

No. Main reason provided is that the couples (both, local and Chinese) want to stop living together as man and wife.

There is yet one exception. In China, one may find quite a number of fictitious divorces of couples who do not separate but file a divorce to avoid some restrictions, for the acquisition of apartments.

What do you make of divorce cases spiking during the Coronavirus?

It is not my task to make something out of it. Because several factors add up, the spike appears to be remarkable. According to my view the following factors play the main role:

• For several months registration offices had been closed so people had to postpone their divorce and after re-opening those cases add to the normally expected cases.
• During self-quarantine people have less to do and have more time to their disposal without so many alluring distractions often used to procrastinate. So, the cases, which have been procrastinated, add to the number of normal divorce cases. In this category fall also cases, where one spouse has pondered for divorce for a long time already but seemingly did not find the right moment to speak up on it.

Apart from those two main reasons, there are also some aspects which add pressure to a relationship and which could also contribute to the number of divorce cases:

• Change of circumstances:
  Most of our actions are to a large extend determined by our routines. We do things the way, we normally do them. Humans like to move in “explored territory” and do not like changes in their daily life. Any change of the general surrounding requires us to adjust our actions. If we become aware, that circumstances are tremendously different from usual or different from our expectations, then our body increases our stress level (to provide energy resources for the adjustment) by issuing stress hormones. Stress is not conducive to a relaxed and peaceful living together. Increased stress levels increase pressure on the relationship. We like people more, who are relaxed as compared to people who are stressed.

• Lack of distraction/relaxation
  In addition, many of our relaxation methods are simply not available anymore. Gyms are closed. Cinemas, theaters, museums, parks, karaoke bars are closed. All these “cultural” institutions also serve the function of releasing stress accumulated during work and private life. If stress is not released the general stress level might accumulate and increase pressure to relationships, because nobody really likes stressed people.
• Lack of resources
  Some modern couples have outsourced part of their domestic life, e.g. childcare, cooking, cleaning and others. One part of those couples come from families, where that had already been the habit. With all restaurants closed, Ayis in quarantine and (at the beginning) delivery services limited, some couples find it hard to care for themselves and to keep the household together. They blame each other for this lack of capacity, which might add a huge amount of stress. If you ever argued with a hungry man/woman/other, you might have an understanding of how intense this can become.
• Anxiety
  COVID-19 may have the potential to increase anxiety levels. Anxious people are less lovely and this might increase pressure on the relationship.
• Financial pressure
  The measures to protect against the further spread of the new corona virus have had a detrimental economical effect on many businesses. In particular businesses with low cash reserves may have got under distress. Related money problems might have increased pressure on relationships
• Autonomy
  As human beings, we made the experience that we are “we” or that I am me and I am not someone else. So, I live my life as me. If someone imposes his rules on my life and I act only upon orders and the space where I am “me” shrinks, then my need for autonomy becomes more obvious to me. This aspect is under-estimated in virtually all relationships because people have the tendency to please the partner, to adapt to his/her needs or to compromise and deviating from doing the things the way they would do them alone. To some extent, this is necessary to make a living together possible. Under normal circumstances, people find room or way or places to be themselves or to generate the feeling that they can be themselves or that they have “choice”. They could go out with friends, they could see a movie, which the partner does not like, they could play something, they could day-dreaming at work, they could go to work and be different at work than they are at home. The change of role (at home vs. at work, vs. with friends) contribute to our feeling as “I am me” and “I am in charge” and “I can do different things” – it provides us satisfaction for our need of autonomy. Also “non-supervised time” that means time where the partner is not around serves the need of autonomy.

During self-quarantine one person may be restricted to only one part of the usual roles he usually lives. The person is together with his partner for 24/7 and has no “unobserved time”.

He/she knows what is expected and he/she does not want to upset the partner. However, after some while he/she feels/notices that he would do things different, if he was alone.

Under normal circumstances that would not bother him/her, because he/she has plenty “room” where the partner is not there to do things in different ways – the need for autonomy would be sufficiently met in those rooms, without the person ever noticing that it has such a need at all. Now that the different rooms are not there, the need of autonomy becomes more likely to be experienced, more obvious, so people (subconsciously) focus more on the things where the partner does things different from how he would do them.

The “room” to be oneself, or the “room” to be outside the partner may become so small, that the need to autonomy becomes an issue and people start feeling trapped or feeling not themselves anymore or feeling, that they are not allowed to be themselves. With no way to articulate this, this need for autonomy could increase the stress level and put further pressure on the relationship.

To remain autonomous in circumstances where you are surrounded by the same people for 24 hours is difficult for some people, in particular if they did not learn to hold their position, to fight for their territory, to be able to stand conflicts.

• One remark to the often stated:
  People have argued that self-quarantine leads to people seeing their partner as he really is. However, according to my research, that argument cannot be supported.

First of all, the concept of a person “how it really is” does not reflect reality. There is not “how he really is” or “how he really isn’t”. People just are.

What changes is our perception and our focus of the other person. If we see someone more often than usual, our senses are stimulated differently. We may focus on different aspects of the partner, or we can re-evaluate our assessment or we may just get bored because we get too much of the same stimulus.

Saying “now I see how you really are” in the usual context, more often than not, is just an attempt on putting the blame for an unpleasant feeling on the other.

• All the above
  A divorce is rarely the result of a single event and couples usually have enough resilience against single events. However, during self-quarantine several factors may have been triggered at the same time and have met a relationship, which has been weak, to begin with. As you might have heard, for most people the Covid-19 disease only leads to minor symptoms, to a small group it leads to severe problems and those who have been weakened already and who have underlying issues can lead to death. This might apply to marriages as well.

What words of advice would you give couples who are considering divorce before they finally decide to sort out your services?

This question provides a false alternative. Couples should seek my advice before getting married so that they know their rights right from the beginning. Before people look for a potential partner, they should learn to communicate empathically. It also does not hurt to, at any time during the marriage, acquire some knowledge about the dynamics of a relationship. People in a relationship should train to understand the needs of the partner and to make their own needs understood.

At the latest, if spouses or one spouse is thinking of divorce, this would be the best time to start collecting information about the legal aspects as well.

Of course, many of the advice is not only legal advice, but the advice comes from the collected experience from many years of dealing with divorces and with the humans behind each single case.

In general, a separation and divorce can be done without a lawyer in China. In other jurisdictions, e.g. Germany, a divorce filing can only be done with the support of a lawyer. Glad is, who does never need a lawyer and glad is the one who has a good one.

Photos: Unsplash

Couples the world over bemoan the health of their relationships. Many claim the lack of quality time together is the leading cause of misunderstanding and the proverbial ‘falling out of love’ with one’s partner, leading to divorce. But it would appear that too much of a good thing is also poisonous, as families in China were suddenly forced to self-quarantine, spending inordinate amounts of time together.

Reports have been circling over the last few weeks, claiming a sharp increase in filed cases for divorce by couples in China. While one of the arguments posited for this sharp increase has been that couples tend to get into heated arguments when spending too much time together, it might not be as simple as that.

We consulted Matthias Schroeder LL.M, to find out whether the current trend can simply be blamed on COVID-19, or whether there are other underlying factors exacerbated by the current crisis.

I will admit, when I think of a divorce lawyer, I tend to think of the classic American TV portrayal, a confirmed bachelor who’s been cured of the ‘delusion’ of love and is currently living for life’s excesses and the thrill of a massive win in court. Schroeder is far from this stereotype though, being a happily married man with two children – a son who’s 8, and a daughter who’s 13. The world of law isn’t as fast-paced or as flashy either according to Schroeder, with the Chinese system being especially difficult to predict.

How different is practicing law in China to practicing it in the EU?

Practicing law in China and in Germany is different, but yet the same. As a lawyer I use the case facts, the legal acts and lots of language to compare the actual facts with the text of the law and let opponents and the judges see, where and to what extent our case facts match the legal descriptions providing for the gains we want to achieve or where the claimants facts opposes his claims.

The laws in China differ in some details. However, basically they are comparable to an astonishing extent. The “handling” of the laws, the techniques of dealing with them is quite different. The handling of laws also differs between the continental European countries and the American or Anglo-Saxon countries. But those, both, follow the same overall dogmatic approach.

However, I believe that the Chinese way of handling laws by judges and Chinese lawyers demand more looseness and more sense of practicability and less dogmatic or abstract reasoning. Yet the legal texts, contracts, laws and regulations follow the European or Anglo-Saxon logic or dogmatic approach. Therefore, it is sometimes harder to predict outcomes of court decisions or to understand why our client won or lost a case.

Dealing with these complex issues and being able to explain, or help understand both sides is quite fun, and it is a pleasure working in this context and it will never be boring.

What are the leading causes prompting separations and divorces?

The one leading cause for separation and divorce is that the spouses do not like each other enough to stay together any longer. The explanation of this effect is manifold. Empirical studies have shown that there are three factors which may put enormous pressure on the relationship:

1. Money
2. Children or differences in their upbringing approaches
3. Infidelity
4. (and, all new, Quarantine)

If the above three points (there is not enough data on the fourth) are not a matter of concern, then couples may stay together for years or decades without noticing any weak spots in their relationship. Once pressure arises, weak spots become more obvious. However, those points are hardly ever the real reason for a separation. A separation is the ending of a relationship. Therefore, the reasons for its ending have to be searched within the relationship itself. As a relationship is a dynamic process operating in interactive feedback loops of well-being of different (mostly two) people, real cause of separation is that this process and its feedback loops are not handled in a way to increase the well-being.

In addition, society shapes our expected level of “well-being” as well as our expected effort needed to achieve a certain level of well-being. For more superficial approaches to separation and divorce one may revert to Google with “top ten divorce reasons”.

I did not touch the more serious topics of addictions, domestic violence, abuse or neglect.

Are many of them amicable?

It is a rare exception when someone proposes to his/her spouse to divorce and the spouse smiles and says, “What a good idea honey. I just wanted to suggest the same, darling. How well you know me, dear. Let’s get divorced this afternoon!”

Most separations have a confrontational moment.

If the spouses value reason they may be able to sort things out by themselves with or without legal advice. The vast majority of divorces in China are made amicably and without a lawyer, by couples who could not afford a lawyer.

As soon as money is involved or children, an amicable divorce in the international context is hardly found. With children this is understandable, because often spouses from different countries will live in different countries after the divorce and one person will be restricted in living together with his/her child. This is difficult to accept without a binding decision of some sort. With money, argument becomes understandable, if it is taken into account that usually the spouses never had a common understanding of the socio-economic basis of their marriage.

Standing before the question of divorce already indicates that they did not build upon a joint plan for the future, that they have no understanding of the fears and needs of the spouse, but they have been living in parallel worlds, “sleeping in the same bed but having different dreams”. Not really taking part in the other’s life makes it difficult to give off something, no matter if that money is earned by hard labor or retrieved by luck, that strike only a few times in life. Giving off part of the money will then feel like giving off part of one’s life and not receiving all of it feels like missing one’s life opportunities and thus the third party needs to provide a firm decision. Where the law is clear and room for “sneaking, hiding, misaligning” is small there will be less fighting.

As a lawyer I rarely deal with easy, amicable divorces. If you are one of the lucky cases, come by, leave money on the table and get divorced and I will be happy to have a nice chat.

During my practice in China I have experienced that some Chinese spouses tend to rely more on external value judgments instead of their own judgment when working out an amicable solution, because they are shy to apply their own sense of fairness or to find a definition of fairness on their own. In these cases, we advise our clients that they should negotiate not with the spouse, but only with the lawyer of the spouse to save time and breath.

Photos: Pixabay

Pick up a newspaper in most African countries and you will find declarations of China’s undeniable domination of African markets. But the flow also goes the other way. Many African professionals have entered into the Chinese job market, casting their lot in one of the most prosperous countries the world over. Joseph and Susan Mwangi, Kenyan nationals, are two such professionals, living and working in Beijing in one of the city’s top international schools: Yew Chung International School of Beijing (YCIS Beijing). And while the jury is still out on whether or not it is good idea to work in the same company as your spouse, the Mwangis have taken on the challenge, James working as a Chemistry teacher and Susan as a teacher’s assistant.

Susan Mwangi

Though their work means they are together all day every day, this wasn’t always the case, as for close to two years, they were separated when Joseph first moved here for his position at YCIS Beijing.  But that was rectified this year when Susan and their two children, Keyshia and Brayde, also moved to Beijing and the family was reunited once more. As to how the two came about their opportunities to work in YCIS Beijing, Joseph admits something that most Africans living and working in the capital and the greater China are likely to experience. Career opportunities for African nationals are limited, even though international schools such as YCIS Beijing are known to have a large roster of qualified African nationals on their teacher rosters. “Beijing and Tianjin were the only places that were willing to offer me a job. So, I chose Beijing”, says Joseph. And here he has remained, working to mold his students while making what is sometimes considered a challenging subject, Chemistry, to be accessible and fun to learn. To this, he adds, “Creating an environment of mutual respect and one that supports students to succeed in their school life.”

Susan herself is a bona fide scientist, having graduated with a degree in Biochemistry. She too has grand ambitions for her students, explaining: “I am passionate about helping the students become the best versions of themselves and to feel accepted, and for the parents to give them assurance that their children are safe being in this school.” It is a passion she wishes to continue well into the future, as does Joseph, with both planning on pursuing their postgraduate studies in the not so distant future.

Joseph Mwangi

For many professionals with young families, their work-life balance is constantly thrown off kilter, even more so when in a foreign country, with language and cultural barriers to contend with. But both Joseph and Susan believe their personal lives here in Beijing not only lend to, but enhance their abilities as educators. “Being a parent helps me understand my students more. I listen to my son as he airs his opinion and so do I with my students,” says Joseph, with Susan commenting on the wonderful opportunity of connecting with other international families also living in Beijing. The two lovebirds, who recently celebrated their sixth marriage anniversary, also intimate an unexpected secret. While most professions are likely to negatively affect a marriage, theirs has only strengthened their connection. As Joseph puts it, “I think it keeps us close. Our jobs allow us to be at home before dusk and help each other in taking care of children,” with Susan adding: “Let me say for us it been a lot of change, but it has made us stick together and bond, since we spend more time together.”

The old adage might say “a family that prays together stays together,” but in this case, it might be safe to say that a family that teaches together stays together.

Photos: Courtesy of Susan Mwangi, quotesgram.com