We talk a lot about women’s mental health resources. And that’s a good thing, especially after so many generations of stigmatizing and marginalizing women’s health in general.  But we rarely talk about how men can find support.  And that’s causing some pretty serious social and cultural issues, as well as putting strain on families. According to the NIH, women are 1.7 times more likely to experience depression during their lifetime, but women who suffer from mental health issues are also far more likely to receive support.  As a society, we encourage women to talk to their friends and family about their feelings and to seek out professional help as well as social connections and support at work and through clubs or activities.

But men are taught to remain strong and silent, and not to burden others with their issues. Grischa Grunau of Married Men Mental Health Club (3MH) put it this way: “In general, men’s mental health is not a big discussion because it is not supposed to be a big issue. This is how we were brought up. If you have a problem, a difficulty, you just resolve it, that is what a real man does. This is what our fathers did and their fathers before them. ‘A real man’ can resolve every problem on their own, and of course this mindset very quickly leads to ‘if there is a problem I cannot resolve on my own I better hide it, hide my feelings about it, lest people think I am not a real man.’” Because of this ingrained cultural message, men are twice as likely to try and manage their emotions by binge drinking or drugs, are more likely to die from suicide than women, and have much higher rates of violent altercations and outbursts according to MindWise, a non-profit mental health initiative based in Massachusetts.

While women are often encouraged to reach out and connect, especially after major life changes like marriages or births, men are taught to be stoic and deal with their stresses and pain silently. And that is where 3MH is trying to make a difference. The group was founded in 2000 by a psychologist and some of his friends who wanted to create a space where men could talk about the issues they were facing on a deep and honest level but in a casual, no-pressure environment. Grunau explained that men tend to neglect their own social needs because they get distracted by work and family life. Statistically, they are far more likely to retire and live out their final years as loners which is a large contributing factor to why men tend to die years earlier than their female counterparts. He told me: “We are working on breaking the cycle of the ‘loner-male,’ and through mutual support and self-reflection become happier, healthier, more fulfilled, more productive, less aggressive and more balanced men. This doesn’t only benefit us, but also indirectly our partners and families, our work lives and our other personal relationships.”

It’s even more difficult for expat men. They often leave behind their existing support networks and the high-stress jobs that bring them to China leave barely any time to build relationships outside of the family unit. “I wouldn’t trade even a minute I spend with my family.” Grunau said, “However there are certain social needs, a need for fraternity and ‘brotherhood’ that cannot be adequately met just with family time. Especially in a country where you often know no one, isolation can develop and become quite severe.”

And that isolation has some very serious consequences for families and communities at large, according to Grunau. He says: “Men’s mental health influences family lives, dynamics at the workplace, all kinds of interpersonal relationships. All of these things suffer if men’s mental health suffers. Families are not as happy, and work environments become toxic. And it also influences general questions of society. Chauvinism, misogynistic attitudes, and instances of ‘Incel Ideology’ – these are all direct results of poorly managed men’s mental health.”

But breaking the ingrained ‘real men don’t cry’ stigma isn’t easy, so the group tries to keep their meetings open and honest but relaxed. Just a group of guys grabbing a drink and some good food. The rules are simple and easy to follow, Grunau told me. “Nobody is forced to share or even say anything if they don’t want to. But if they do they have to tell the truth and nothing but the truth. Nothing that is shared at the table can be discussed with others, not even your partners.”

The group meets every other week and always starts with what they call an inquisition of new members, which Grunau swears sounds scarier than it actually is. The group asks questions to get to know the new member’s situation and spark some deeper thinking and new perspectives on everyone’s part. “Often new members will join the group with a particular issue in mind. We often then spend a long time listening and discussing that issue, until we get to a point where we think some helpful insight has been provided.”

Then they move on to the session’s preset topic. Grunau says they range from childcare and domestic duties to dealing with infidelity and conflict resolution. “None of these issues are discussed lightly, but in general they are discussed with an overarching goal of fostering or repairing a marriage rather than just ‘giving up on it,’ especially when considering that many of us are not only married but are fathers as well.”

The next Married Men’s Mental Health Club meet-up will be on Aug 12, ^{and then every other Friday following}. For more information, you can reach out to Grischa Grunau. WeChat ID: Choloepus. Email: ggrunau@gmail.com

KEEP READING: A True Quarantine Story in 2022: What It’s Really Like

Images: Canva, 3MH

Right now, global conversations are swirling around equal rights for women, people of color, the LGBTQ+ community, and the intersectionality therein. However, while the time to undo systemic and institutional biases is long overdue, we cannot adequately address the obstacles, discrimination, and prejudices people face unless we simultaneously discuss how these systemic and institutional biases were constructed in the first place. Namely, why dominance was arbitrarily and capriciously conferred upon men, and how that dominance not only affects the oppressed, but also the oppressor.

Put another way: None of us will be liberated until all of us are liberated.

As it happens, packed into this arbitrary dominance is a litany of unwritten rules and modes of being which, until very recently, haven’t been openly discussed all that much. Nevertheless, when you ask someone, anyone really, what it means to be a man, you will get a set of fairly uniform answers. Men are supposed to be strong, stoic emotional voids who are logical, competitive, ambitious risk-takers.

But what happens if you’re a man who doesn’t fit into one or more of these molds? What if the pressure to live these characteristics means betraying some part of yourself that you value? What if you don’t know how to make sense of a world that is often crushing and punishing, yet you also don’t know how to ask for help? 

The manifestation of these problems is staggering, and again, rarely addressed in public discourse. Case in point: men account for 10 – 15 percent of patients with anorexia or bulimia, while 40 percent have a binge eating disorder. Moreover, a study from 2017 suggested that up to 10 percent of men report postnatal depression. Perhaps most distressing is the fact that, in the United States, men make up over 75 percent of suicide victims, with an average of one man taking his own life every 20 minutes.

Luckily, brave men and women are finally beginning to open up spaces and start conversations about these issues, their underlying causes, and hidden, tragic consequences.

Such was an event this past Tuesday (Nov 5) called Get Men Talking, the first in a three-part series under the banner, Feminism Is For Everyone. Hosted at Caravan by the inimitable women of Beijing Wave, the night brought together a crowd of 35-40 individuals across a wide spectrum of identities. It was a truly representational pool of voices from around the globe, all coming together in a chorus for social justice and gender equality.

Throughout the evening attendees watched videos that touched on a number of issues plaguing the modern man, including a rundown of heart-wrenching statistics, perspectives on male stereotypes and body issues, the shame associated with being a male victim of domestic violence, and the pressures put upon men who assume the role of overworked breadwinner. The discussions that followed were poignant, powerful, heartfelt, and very, very real. And although the topics demanded a level of vulnerability that most people, especially men, aren’t comfortable demonstrating, nearly every person in the room had something to share.

When asked to reflect on the event, Beijing Wave’s founder, Jodie Warren, had this to say:

“Myself and the women of 北京Wave were moved by the success and support showed on the night. We were so grateful that the men in the room felt comfortable enough to share their honest experiences and thoughts surrounding men’s mental health. The continuous flow of passionate conversation proved how important it is for topics like this to be discussed amongst ourselves and our communities in order to spark change in the way society treats it. We really believe that the event ended with our attendees feeling positively aware of this pressing issue and we’re so thankful.”

Co-organizer, Spencer Kondak, echoed a similar sentiment:

“We [Beijing Wave] were completely thrilled with Tuesday’s turnout. Being in that room with so many diverse voices who were all there to talk about a topic we care so much about was truly inspiring. Personally, I was struck by how many people came up to me after the event and expressed their gratitude that we had planned this event about men’s mental health in particular. However, we’re more grateful to every single person in that room for coming, for sharing, for listening, and for caring about this issue. We hope in the wake of this event that we can continue an open dialogue about men’s mental health and how to enact change and fight stigma.”

beijingkids had the chance to catch up with two guys who attended Get Men Talking, and we asked them a few questions inspired by the event’s conversation. For the sake of privacy, we will be using the first initial of their first names.

beijingkids had the chance to catch up with two guys who attended Get Men Talking, and we asked them a few questions inspired by the event’s conversation. For the sake of privacy, we will be using the first initial of their surnames.

G. is a 34 year old chef who hails from Zimbabwe, while M. is 31 years old and moved to Beijing from California.

Why did you decide to attend this evening’s event?

M: I attended today’s event because this is a topic that “hits home” for me. Also, I have gone to a previous Wave event that was very informative and engaging. Listening to different perspectives in a safe and small environment is always nice.

G: I am a feminist.

Have you struggled with depression or anxiety in the past?

M & G: Yes.

Do you have male friends who have struggled with these issues?

M: I have a friend who has dealt with bouts of depression. He nonchalantly mentioned it to me one day. It kind of took me by surprise, and I didn’t know how to react initially. Although I was mostly quiet as he discussed the depression he was going through, I felt that he wasn’t really looking for me to give him a bunch of advice. The fact that he took the first step in being open with me and talking about it meant he was already on the path to recovery.

G: Yes.

Are these topics you openly discuss with friends?

M: Although I’m not uncomfortable saying that I have been depressed, I am not open to discussing it in detail (with the exemption of close friends).

G: No

How did this conversation impact you?

M: This conversation has me wanting to attend an all-male fire chat. The event was amazing, but there was so much more to be said regarding this topic, and it would be nice to hear more perspectives from men.

G: It impacted me in a positive way, because I could see men being real to themselves and to people around them. As men, we always have this ideal-self mentality — a man does not cry, should be strong — hence our feelings are always concealed. We are not true to ourselves, we always say we are okay, even when things are not okay. We are sinning against ourselves. So through the discussion, I learned that it’s okay to be real and speak out without fear of being judged or called names.

Why do you think it’s important for men to engage in these conversations?

M: It’s important for men to discuss these issues because it’s not something that men have been doing in the past. There are a lot of guys out there who are holding on by a thread, because they don’t know how to cope. Sometimes a man may just need a friend to vent to, while others will need the help of a professional.

G: It’s important for men to engage in these talks because they are not only good for women, but for the society at large. It was quite interesting for me to see the [Beijing Wave] ladies have a collection of videos of men that are abused in their relationships, and trying to find out more about men, it’s really a huge score on feminism’s part. They are not just opposing men, or they just want to be viewed differently, but they are trying to build a society that is equal, that has common values of love, respect, and kindness, not based on any gender. If we all view feminism without any biases, our society will be rooted together and we will have needed smiles.

Anything else you’d like to share?

M: One aspect that wasn’t discussed was how medication to treat a lot of these mental health issues really does change a person. I had to come to terms with the fact that some men in my life that are on meds to treat their illness are not the same person that I once knew.

G: People should not be defined by what is between their legs. People should be defined by what is within their heart and minds. After all, our genders are only valid in bathrooms and bedrooms most of the time. Besides that, we define differently. After all, we are all the same, we should embrace and complement each other. No need to hate or discriminate, as we all start the same for the first 20 weeks of pregnancy, we are all genderless. We should also remember that everything we know right now we were taught. Let’s teach kids wisely, because some of the things we are suffering now are things we were taught when we were young. Some people develop what I call, “concrete mindset.” They can’t change anything, it’s like whatever they were taught is final, they don’t need anything new or to adjust, which becomes a problem in life. We need to have a mindset which is flexible, not quick to judge, but rather more understanding and considerate. For wisdom is the ability to understand difference in people, difference in time, and difference in opinions.

Photos: Pixabay, Beijing Wave

When I was growing up, my dad was cool, but never once did I think my dad was stylish. He grew up during a time when he thought that because he’s a man, he didn’t need to put effort into his looks. Thankfully those days are long gone, and now most dads have more than just a bar of soap that doubles as a shampoo and body wash. They’ve finally learned to indulge and pamper themselves.

This month’s issue is all about dads. Those strong role models that help us shape who we grow up to become deserve a bit of pampering too. Just because you’re a great dad doesn’t mean you need sport the dad-bod, or the “I don’t have time so I’ll just wear a hat” look.

And so for our November Beijing Baba issue we invited China Radio International contributor and father to a 4-year-old son, Patrick Flanary for a total style makeover.

Arriving at Tony Studio in Lido, Flanary was ready for a makeover that’s fit for a celebrity. Tony Studio is no stranger when it comes to celebrity makeovers. They’re one of China’s silver screen favorites for styling the country’s A-listers on a regular basis.

With 19 years of experience under his belt, Sam Yan from Tony Studio has been the go-to guy for men who are looking to capture (or sometimes recapture) the best of their youth. Flanary’s thick head of hair and no-fuss attitude is every stylist’s dream. Yan starts with a quick chat about Flanary’s preferences when it comes to his hair, ensuring that Flanary will be happy with the end result.

After a quick trim with special attention to specifics, Flanary was ready for the camera. Those wild, untamed morning bedhead locks got a major style makeover. Thinned out and softened, Flanary modeled the ‘after’ look.

A simple haircut can change a person’s whole image. Draped with a New and Lingwood dressing gown, Flanary looked effortlessly chic at East Beijing Hotel.

Hair
Tony Studio
2 Shangrui Lu, Building A-4,
Hairun International Apartment, Chaoyang District
5135 8055

Wardrobe
New and Lingwood dressing gown from The British House

Location
East Beijing Hotel

This article appeared in the beijingkids November 2019 Beijing baba issue

OK, so there are probably times when we men should talk a bit less and listen a bit more. (That’s what my wife says, anyway.) But there is one area where men don’t talk nearly enough, and that’s about our emotions. And the consequences are serious. Young men, so often raised to believe that “boys don’t cry,” and asking for help is a sign of weakness, are vastly more likely than women to commit suicide or self-harm.

One group in Beijing is determined to break this pattern, and is running an event to encourage men to start talking about how they really feel. According to organizers Beijing Wave, “Feminism is for Everyone: Get Men Talking will take the form of an open discussion guided by short films and topical questions that will have participants breaking down the overlooked epidemic that is men’s mental health and suicide.”

We asked founder Jodie Warren to tell us more about the group.

“We’re (currently) a group of women striving to form a strong and visibly present community in Beijing that connects through gender equality and women’s empowerment,” she told us. “We host events at which this community can discuss, share and educate one another on topics that are relevant worldwide.”

But many men, we suggested, see feminism as a threat, not a solution to their problems.

“True feminism advocates for equal treatment and opportunity for everyone regardless of gender,” Warren said. “Therefore feminism should never be taken as a threat to men because we are on their side.”

In fact, they decided to launch their series of events with a discussion of men’s issues.

“We wanted to start a series titled Feminism Is For Everyone to diminish the idea that feminism is a cis-woman only movement. We felt the best place to start was with men. I’m from the UK and recently the statistics regarding suicide amongst our young men has been brought to light to which people have been avidly campaigning to raise awareness of men’s mental health. November is also a huge month where men across the globe take part in Movember which raises money for men’s mental health charities!”

All are welcome at the event, Warren said, but they are keen for men to attend and speak about their lives. She added that it’s particularly vital for parents to be supported in changing the messages we send to children about gender and mental health.

“Although we encourage all genders to attend Beijing Wave events we, of course, encourage men to attend first and foremost. We believe it’s important to provide men with a space where they are able to discuss mental health without judgement or stigma attached to the things they share. We want this event to chip away at the burden men may face when talking about their mental health and suicide. I believe parents raising young boys (or girls) would benefit greatly from attending this event because we’ll be unpacking the gender stereotypes taught from childhood and how this is likely to impact young boys negatively as they get older.”

If you want to be part of this important conversation, you can book via the QR code in the poster below.

Feminism is for Everyone: Get Men Talking, Nov 5

Adults. RMB 30. 6.30pm. Beijing Wave. Caravan, 44 Guanghua Lu, Chaoyang District. (8563-0801) 光华路44号.

Photo: Wokandapix from Pixabay

Countless studies have been conducted to discern which is truly the stronger sex in the human race. Our differences, parsed into an endless array of categories by “discerning” scientists have been examined under innumerable tests so that the scientists (most likely men) could determine the champion of the battle of the sexes.

“In this corner, brawn, height, and a stubborn inability to ask for directions.”

“And in the opposing corner…” well, where to start?

Let me break it down with a bit of simple, old-fashioned observation. Like many a home, ours has little people in it called children. These little people bring men and women alike great pain and suffering in life, but also great joy. That is why we keep them. Alas, they also bring numerous diseases home with them – primarily from places these little ones congregate, such as schools, playgrounds, and the Gap.

This past December, our youngest managed to get a cold and decided, as one does, to share it with the family. One by one, everyone in the household succumbed to the cold, even the ayis. After a week or so, everyone recovered from the illness; everyone, except me. For three weeks I was stricken with the head cold from hell – earaches, sinus infections, and eventually even a slight fever. I went through enough tissue boxes to take down a Douglas Fir tree and I am still not entirely well.

My point is, the women recovered quite quickly and with little drop in productivity, while I lost at least two weeks of work and I doubt my brain is fully functional yet. I could claim some mysterious illness, but the Doc declared it a simple case of sinusitis.

Am I the tallest? Yes. But I’m definitely not the strongest.

Photo:ManOnPHI (flickr)

I’m the man of the house. Don’t believe me; just ask the six females in my household. There are a great many tasks that only the man can do around the home. For example, no one seems to be able to do the laundry quite as well as I do. Go figure. If a toy is broken, it ends up on my desk for repairs. It might take weeks, but I fix it (or throw it away once it has been forgotten). Not surprisingly, I’m also the only one who leans out to clean outside windows. That’s right; these are tough, arduous tasks that have long been the domain of manly men.

Now, I’m adding one more task to the man-pile: baby nail cutting. For reasons wholly unknown to me, no one is willing to cut the nails of our twin boys (now 9 months).

When our daughter was a tiny tot, we had a neighbor who could cut all ten of her fingernails in the time it took me to retrieve the nail clippers. It was so staggeringly quick that we took our daughter to her simply to marvel at her speed and accuracy. Alas, we moved and that solution is long gone.

These days, the task falls to me, and I have taken up the mantle of responsibility with the same urgency that I apply to broken toys. Of course I will cut their nails … eventually.

The only problem is that I’m sometimes so busy doing other manly things about the house that I neglect to cut the tiny nails on my boys’ fingers and toes. This can result in babies and adults being lacerated by their tiny, razor sharp claws. The reason this is my responsibilities at all is that the ladies of the house are a bit faint of heart when it comes to the prospect of accidentally nipping baby fingers or toes.

Frankly speaking, this is one responsibility that few talk about before the birth of a baby. I’ve seen couples being brought to tears fighting over who should cut a baby’s nails. The problem is that it takes a steady hand and keen eyesight. My hands are steady like a photographer’s, but I give thanks every day to the people who invented autofocus.

Consequently, every week (or two), you will find me pinning down an arm or a leg and trying to distract two squirmy babies while maintaining Zen-like calm as I attempt to pare down all 40 nails. It’s dangerous work, but when it’s over, the boys immediately show their appreciation and reach out for mama.

Photo by Christopher Lay