They say that toddlers soak up the world around them and that their brains are developing at the fastest rate they’ll ever be at. With that bit of information, I never want to miss a single moment to help them explore and discover something new.

While letting them free play is great (and necessary), sometimes pastimes call for structured, adult-led activities to help them discover something new and spark some newfound interests. Be sure to subscribe to #JingkidsCrafts for more.

Today’s craft is perfect for springtime. With flowers and trees blossoming all over the place, the city is filled with all sorts of colors again.

The Color Box takes about 20 minutes to make and is surprisingly entertaining for kids to use for a color scavenger hunt in the park.

Here’s what you’ll need:

cardboard box
hot glue gun
paint
markers
toilet paper rolls

To make a Color Box, all you need to do is cut the toilet paper rolls into pieces that’ll fit into your box and paint them. I went with a simple flower design since I was taking my little girl to search for flower petals, but you can do it in any shape you like.

This simple craft was so much fun for my toddler and a great way to practice her colors as well as learn a bit about nature.

Images: Mina Yan

Almost every adult has heard of the Montessori method. It’s a child-centered approach to education and teaching that fosters independence and curiosity, allowing children to do things on their own, make mistakes and learn from them. Even though the Montessori ideas have been around for more than a century, they got really popular in the last decade, with more and more people acknowledging the importance of self-paced and self-directed learning. Montessori is not confined to the classroom – many parents have embraced this holistic approach and incorporated its principles into their child’s everyday life and learning.

But if you decide to go down the Montessori road, how do you get your ayi on board? Because, let’s face it, there are some big differences between Western and Chinese ways of raising children, especially when it comes to children’s independence and fostering their natural curiosity. When we add Montessori ideas on top of all this, it can get overwhelming for an ayi.

Ashey Hatcher’s first ayi didn’t quite understand Montessori as it was her fist time working for a foreign family, but she had better luck with the second one: “She worked for us for about a week so she could observe our style of parenting before we left the two of them alone. We didn’t specifically call it ‘Montessori,’ but I emphasized the importance of giving our daughter the time to try things for herself. I also gave her a list of chores for our daughter (like clean up her own toys, choose outfit, feed the dogs).”

“It is important to explain why you do that – the main reason behind everything,” says Natalia Tobon, mom of a 3-year-old girl. “I have emphasized that I want her to be independent and they immediately get it.” Natalia continues: “Also, it is important to tell them that you leave kids to do things on their own. For example, putting their shoes or jacket on. I have to stop them from helping her, but once they see that kids can do it, they find it fun and start promoting it.” In Natalia’s experience, the most challenging thing has definitely been the toy organization: “They just consider them toys and mix them. It has worked getting trays and explaining to them it is a set, so they understand.”

For another Montessori mom, Svetlana Ore, the most challenging part is making sure that the ayi sees the fine line between encouraging a child’s independence by letting them freely explore their environment and giving the kid too much freedom where they could get hurt. “It’s easier with a live-in ayi as she is there with you all the time and she sees and learns the ways you do it.”

According to Miki Cutuli, a Montessori guide of 12 years and a mom of three, ayis often have difficulties adjusting to the Montessori ways. “Independence is probably the biggest issue for them,” says Miki. “They are used to rescuing the kids and doing everything for them rather than teaching them.” In her opinion, ayis also struggle with positive communication and respect, both not very common in traditional Chinese parenting.

Being a Montessori educator, Miki realized that both families and ayis often need help understanding Montessori principles, and she used her knowledge and experience to create a special online course. It’s designed specifically for grandparents and ayis who are not familiar with the Montessori concepts. It’s bilingual in both English and Chinese so ayis can understand the content and work together with parents to set the perfect environment for the child.

So, can our ayis follow Montessori?

In Ashley’s opinion, yes and no: “I guess ultimately don’t expect an ayi to adhere strictly to Montessori principles. Be flexible with your expectations, but explain that independence is key. When she first started working for our family, [our ayi]was surprised how capable our daughter was. I think when I gave her a list of chores, it helped our ayi understand that our daughter also gets to do small jobs to help our family. I didn’t even have to do this, but once I came home early and our ayi and daughter were doing laundry together.”

KEEP READING: Can a MI Chart Put Your Kid Ahead of the Game?

Images: Pexels

Listen, this timetable that schools sent us is fantastic and all, showing great strides from what everyone learned in a year. but some days the e-learning is just not going to work. The kids will be frustrated, upset at the situation, or sad when they see their friends but can’t play with them. Plus, many of us are now back to balancing our own work and household tasks, never mind showering, while facilitating e-learning for kids.

So what happens if the kids just won’t sit down for math class, or you know your preschooler wants to learn more addition but can’t wrap your head around a curriculum? You can pull up this handy list of fun math lessons rooted in real life.

Do you have suggestions? We want to hear all your math tricks in the comments!

Coin Stacks

Grab all those coins that rattle around in pockets or have piled up in a drawer, since who carries cash anymore? Have them stack each in a pile of just that same coin, then count each stack, line them up by height, and see whether the highest pile is the largest amount.

Toy Store

While you have the coins out, start playing toy store. If you don’t actually have coins then they can cut little circles and bills to use. Or, get out your Monopoly set and put those bills to use. Get your kid(s) to choose ten toys and line them up like they’re on display in the store. They can make signs and practice their writing, attaching price tags to each item. Then it’s dress-up time and kids can pretend to be customers and shopkeepers as they count out the play money and purchase their toys.

Make Your Own Math Game

Take the board from any board game, two dice, and play the game. Except, wait! If you roll a double of any number, then each player needs to subtract the amounts on the dice from each other, not add them together! And when you roll a double again, it returns to adding the numbers on the die.

Need to Cook? Teach Them Fractions!

Sometimes it’s hard to have your kids help you cook. It always takes longer than when you do it yourself and quite frankly, it’s messier. But I like to find recipes that require us to use fractions to make different sized helpings, and show them how to figure it out themselves. It’s also a great excuse to make cupcakes!

Have Montessori, Will Add Numbers

We got this simple Montessori-inspired math game, where you count up all the different colors for different parts of your math problem. Even if you don’t have the set, just cut index cards into smaller squares, write numbers, and the addition, subtraction, multiplication, division, and equals symbols on them. Then take a few different colored pipe cleaners or crayons or anything you can use to count out each numeral. You’ve got yourself a math game!

Melts in Your Mouth, Not in Your… Sum?

Take a die or two and roll the cube, then whoever correctly adds up the numbers first earns that same number of M&M’s, as long as they also count the accurate sum themselves. As long as you have enough M&M’s – and dental insurance – throw in a third die!

Clock Em!

Telling time can be a little abstract at different ages, and the best way we found to get it in their bodies – quite literally – is to make a huge clock on a wall out of construction paper. Give your kid big construction paper “hands” as gloves, call out different times, and see how quickly they can make it with their hands! It also works for a PE lesson if your kid gets really good at it.

Please Just Wait a Minute

Even asking them to wait ten minutes requires math. Pretty quickly we realized that our son mixed up minutes with seconds, and so we taught him that when we need five minutes to finish an email before we can play, that’s 5×60, which equals…….if you said 300, you get the point! Then they get to count down from 300 before holding you to your word!

Really, nearly everything can be a math lesson. But counting is really fun, and the more they learn, the more mysteries about the world they unlock!

KEEP READING: Stuck on Science? Online Camps Are Here to Help!

Photos: Pexels, Cindy Marie Jenkins

Yesterday was World Peace Day, and it helped me realize how peace often comes from a sense of calm and the idea that I have time: the time to leave my phone on silent, the time to spend folding pieces of paper into cranes, the time to help my children write letters to communicate messages of peace to their friends, the time to be a peaceful parent.

Going outside is a good way to connect in a peaceful way

Probably the biggest disappointment I see in my kids’ eyes is when they want me to play and I need to do dishes, I need to fold this laundry, I need to finish this work. The news cycle makes us feel as though if we don’t read every story then we’re left behind and the collapse of the world is on our shoulders (just me?) but one thing I have really taken to heart since learning about World Peace Day is how the concept of world peace must start in ourselves and our hearts. For me, that starts in my own home and bleeds out to how I treat everyone around us.

I spoke to Marian Cortes Brina, a Montessori certified teacher, speaker, music enthusiast, peace educator, and community ambassador on how the model of peaceful parenting extends to the rest of our world.

What does World Peace Day mean to you?

Brina: World Peace Day for me is a celebration of people coming together to demonstrate the truest meaning of peace, to enlighten others that peace should start from within and that it may radiate to all humanity. This day should be celebrated with children. I would like to mention Maria Montessori’s vision of world peace here. She dreamed of world peace through the proper education of the child. To quote her, “Establishing lasting peace is the work of education. All politics can do is keep us out of war.” Now the question is, how can educators and parents achieve this? By simply modeling good behavior, by teaching children virtues at an early age, and by practicing it every day as part of our daily life. Being peaceful is a way of life.

What is your main tip for parents who would like to move more towards peaceful parenting?

Brina: First, it is important to understand our roles as parents and to acknowledge that we can make a difference. To look at the theory and how it works for the family. Parents need to be reminded that practicing peaceful parenting means having a calm mind and body free from worry. Once the family starts to practice peacefulness in their home, they would start to respect each other as a family, respect others (their neighbors and their community) and appreciate their similarities and differences from others. This may sound a bit mushy but I always believe that “Peace in the world begins with peace in your heart”. It may not be easy to implement peace due to our chaotic world we live in now, especially during this pandemic, but it’s definitely achievable once consistency becomes a part of our awareness.

Sometimes kids just want us to slow down and be with them

What is the most typical obstacle you see for parents who want to peacefully parent?

Brina: Time is the biggest obstacle, especially for busy parents who do not get the chance to have meaningful conversations and interactions with their children. Second is technology, parents nowadays are way too engrossed on their phones/gadgets that they merely use these tools to educate their children rather than spend more uninterrupted quality time with them. And third is [our]priority, we are way too overwhelmed with our goal to have our children learn so many academic and extra-curricular activities that we tend to forget the importance of character education as a foundation and basis for life.

Do you have peaceful parenting advice for international families encountering new cultures and classrooms?

Brina: For international families, respect for other cultures and traditions should be part of our children’s education. Children need to be aware of the similarities and differences they have from others; to respect and appreciate them and to celebrate and embrace them, especially in a globally changing world. In the classroom, the transition period and effective cultural orientation should play a big role in peaceful parenting.

How can parents and teachers work together for positive parenting?

Brina: First, to cultivate and nurture peace education at home and at school. Second, to have consistent communication and trust between parents and teachers. Again, I’m going to quote Maria Montessori and her vision about peace: “Children were the main hope for peace in the world and the role of education was to provide environments that would not only fulfill their intellectual potential but also their empathetic potential”

I suggest that parents and teachers also discuss the following: Qualities of a peaceable school, a peaceable adult, and a peaceable child as much as they discuss math, reading, and learning how to speak English.

Brina leaves us with this thought, to “Always do things with love and passion.”

KEEP READING: Montessori Learning: Meeting Learners at Their Points of Need

Photos: Pexels

When it comes to a child’s education, many parents only begin to prepare their children for preschool. They spend hours on research to find the perfect school which will provide their children with the perfect foundation they need for a proper start in life. But as studies show, waiting until preschool age might mean parents have missed a key formative window in their children’s lives.

Due to the child’s rapid brain development at this age, cognitive, linguistic, social, emotional, and motor development are at their absolute peak. At this age, any new experiences the child repeatedly engages in fundamentally shape the way the child thinks, feels, behaves and learns in the future. A good ayi is great for a child, but an increasing number of parents are realizing the importance of structured play and learning for children even at this age.

iHommy founder BinBin Zhao

And it is these sorts of parents that BinBin Zhao caters to. Zhao is the founder of iHommy International Daycare, where children are cared for using Montessori principles. Founded in 2015, iHommy was a response to an unfilled niche in Beijing’s education sector. One that Zhao herself recognizes, saying, “0-3 year infant and toddler programs are very important, but there are no such centers in China.”

Principles created by Dr. Maria Montessori guide the educational goals of iHommy, which are to create a strong sense of self in the individual, help the children develop the ability to connect with others and the capacity to be productive adults in the future. Detractors of this method might claim this system indoctrinates children to be ‘adults’ and does not offer them a chance to be children. Not so, according to iHommy and Zhao, who insist the system encourages children to be capable, accountable, knowledgeable individuals with a strong sense of self.

But how would a parent know whether this is indeed the best system for their child? Zhao encourages one simple solution for prospective parents. “Parents need professional help with how to balance taking care of a baby and working from home. It is important for parents to come into the classroom and to see whether their children are happy or not,” Zhao says.

Class is in session

On a typical day, it’s an early 8am start with the day ending at 6pm. There is also the option to drop kids off at 7am, to be picked up at 8pm. This time isn’t squandered, with children engaging in a list of activities, including creating art projects, cooking, having a little relaxation time at the cozy area, and other Montessori shelf works made available to the children throughout the day. They also get three meals as well as a protein-rich snack.

Of course, in the light of COVID-19, site visits to schools will be unlikely for a while to come. Like all schools in Beijing, iHommy temporarily closed its doors, alternatively offering online ‘Mommy and Me’ classes to Beijing parents.

Welcome to iHommy

“We are still not sure the COVID-19 situation will last,” Zhao comments on the current uncertainty. And although the Beijing schools have been given the green light to open their doors to high school seniors on Apr 27, and grade 9 on May 11, it is as yet unclear when grade schools, kindergartens, and daycares will be allowed to reopen. Equally, it is likely facets of current learning strategies during this time will remain well past this COVID-19 period. Online learning might end up becoming a mainstay, with parents possibly opting for this option rather than an interactive one-on-one classroom atmosphere.

This has however not deterred Zhao’s grand plans, saying, “We will open more schools in the coming years.”

For now, this mom of two continues to have high hopes for the future, ready to offer Beijing families world-class services, thanks to her team of accredited Montessori teachers, and a true passion for making year 0-3 truly count for each child in iHommy’s care.

KEEP READING: Starting Education From Age Zero 

Photos: iHommy

This article appeared in the beijingkids 2020 May issue

It’s not easy for parents to make the right academic decisions for their children. A miscalculation when deciding on one system or another  could mean unfortunate results in the future, with the ultimate goal of academic and life-long success becoming a game of wait-and-see, as parents hope that theirs was the right decision. The situation is further complicated for parents of special needs learners. Whether physical or psychological, special needs learners face even more challenges in comparison with neurotypical learners.

This past weekend, Blossom Montessori School Beijing hosted a webinar for parents, to share why the Montessori Method shows such promise with special needs learners. In regular schools, such learners can often be precluded or excluded from classroom activities, and develop an acute sense of being different. While interacting with other students and the teacher, it is gradually impressed upon them that they ‘cannot’ do what other students can do.

Such learners are also prone to higher levels of stress, and because they are excluded from so much of what should make up healthy developmental activities for children, they are at risk of retreating into themselves or acting out to compensate. And, in the event these learners are introduced into a more ‘conventional’ learning system, their stress tends to be further heightened by having to deal with the frequent change of classmates, classrooms, teachers, and routine.

For learners with special needs, ranging from children with learning differences in reading, writing, spelling and/or math; ADHD; and mild-to-moderate autism spectrum disorders, a solid sense of routine is essential. In a Montessori system, children are taught in multi-age classes and work with the same teacher for up to three years. This creates stability for the students and teachers alike, and allows students to focus on their learning.  Montessori trained teachers also encourage exploration among their students. Rather than creating a one-size-fits-all system to which students must get accustomed, each child ‘guides’ the teacher to what is important and stimulating for them.

The label of special needs doesn’t unilaterally apply to learners diagnosed with conditions, physical or otherwise. High intelligence learners could also be classified under this category, as they also need individualized attention to ensure they are intellectually stimulated and able to enjoy the learning experience. By catering to such a wide range of learning and teaching styles, and striving to meet each child at their specific point of need, the Montessori learning style could be the perfect fit for some special needs learners. But this is not done on the teacher’s caprice. According to Alessia Chizzoniti, who is affiliated with Blossom Montessori Beijing, any change to a student’s learning environment is done in consultation with diagnosticians for a more scientific approach.

It is important to know that a child with special needs is being recognized, acknowledged, and taken at his or her own pace, to match their unique learning path, their creativity, and their interests. And in a world which corrals learners into the same competitive, non-differentiated path to success, such a system might just be what a special needs learner needs to carve out their path to success.

Photos: Unsplash

Raising a well-rounded child is not an easy feat, which means education isn’t just for the little ones, it’s for the parents as well. With the new year just starting out, Blossom Montessori has planned courses from now until May for parents to better educate themselves on positive parenting techniques.

How much screen time should we allow the kids? How do we discipline children without hurting their self-esteem?

Blossom Montessori has broken down the most commonly asked parenting questions into five monthly workshops.

“These workshops are focusing on the age group 6-12 (roughly grade 1-6). Common belief is that Montessori is only for children under 6; nothing could be more inaccurate. I wish to promote the Montessori Method as a never-ending growth. Every age group (or so-called plane of development) has its own characteristics and needs, therefore it deserves adequate answers,” Alessia Chizzoniti, lecturer for the Montessori Elementary Parents Workshops tells beijingkids. “Parents will gain an understanding of what Montessori means with and for children over 6, and how they can support their growth in this delicate stage.”

Montessori is an educational philosophy and practice that fosters rigorous, self-motivated growth for children and adolescents in all areas of their development, with a goal of nurturing each child’s natural desire for knowledge, understanding, and respect.

“These topics are all supported by strong evidence the parents will learn about. I chose them first of all because they are urgent; we need to make a change and this is possible only if we change the way we look at children. Then, because I wish parents will understand that a different education, that Montessori education, is possible and actually desirable even and especially for children over 6,” says Chizzoniti.

Monthly Montessori Elementary Parents Workshops are on Friday nights from 5-6.30 pm. To sign up, scan the QR code in the poster above.

Photos: courtesy or organizer, unsplash

On a chilly Wednesday evening, parents from around Beijing made their way to Mammolina Children’s Home to attend Dr. Paul Epstein’s talk on a topic that every parent has asked themselves at some point – what to do when your child says no.

Dr. Epstein is a father and grandfather and brings both his personal and professional experience to the table. He’s been working in Montessori education for nearly 45 years and is a keynote speaker at Montessori conferences throughout the world. Dr. Epstein has authored numerous articles and is the author of An Observer’s Notebook: Learning from Children with the Observation C.O.R.E. as well as co-authoring The Montessori Way, a definitive work of the Montessori experience.

Walking in I was expecting a lecture, with my laptop out ready for notes. Dr. Epstein threw me for a loop and turned a serious topic into a night filled with personal life experiences, interactions with and between the attendees, and laughter – making learning about productive parenting not only interesting but fun as well. After all, as a friend recently reminded me “parents are people too. We also like to have a good time.”

He didn’t talk down to us in the audience. He made his points by sharing real-life experience with stories about his own son and it’s that kind of honesty that made him relatable to every one of us sitting in the audience regardless of what stage of parenthood they’re at. We all grew up from children to teens to adults. We could all relate to examples.

Dr. Epstein started out the evening by breaking down what “no” means and why such a small word has such a strong impact in the way we deal with children. In short, he explains that we, as adults, have been conditioned to hear “no” in the same way, all our lives. We’ve spent all our lives associating the word “no” with the feeling of rejection so when our child says “no,” that one tiny one-syllable word pushes our buttons and stirs up feelings of anger and frustration.

What I took away from the evening is that children as young as 1.5 years old are able to hear and understand on a much more comprehensive level. Instead of giving orders and trying to control the outcome, what we need to do is guide them into becoming independent individuals.

Change your interpretations into observations. Instead of saying “you’re yelling loudly”, say “I can hear you yelling” – fact vs. opinion. Change your judgment of their actions to acknowledgment of their feelings. So instead of saying “if you keep yelling you’ll grow up to be a bad kid”, acknowledge their action and explain your feelings like, “when I hear you yelling I feel angry” so that they know why their action is upsetting you. Explain to them your need. For example, “when I hear you yelling I’m feeling angry because I really need some peace and quiet.” Finally, turn your demands into requests. There’s a difference. “If you keep yelling I’ll put you in your room” is different from “when I hear you yelling it makes me angry because I need some peace and quiet. Can you go outside?” By treating your children like young rational people, you’re contributing to the goal of a parent which is to raise an independent person. Your kids love you unconditionally the way you love them unconditionally. Dr. Epstein’s lecture (and I use that term loosely since it was so much fun) helps give you the tools you need to cultivate that strong parental bond.

To read more about Dr. Epstein’s work, check out his article on When Your Child Says “No!”

Photos: unsplash, provided by Dr. Paul Epstein, thebump.com

It’s time for a bath, and your child says, “No!” It’s time for bed, and your child says, “No!” It’s time for your child to clean her or his room, and your child says, “No!” It’s time to do homework, and your child says, “No!”

“No!” heard as a rejection can trigger a lot of emotions as you ready for another struggle and confrontation with your child. And sometimes the rejection triggers additional memories such as what happened the last time your child said “No,” and what happened to you earlier that day, and even your memories of what your parents, grandparents, and teachers did when you said, “No!”

Your child’s “No!” can be heard as terribly disrespectful. After all, you are the parent; this is your child, and your child is not obeying your wishes. Talk with your friends and there is considerable agreement: A child’s “No!” directly challenges your authority. What do they do when their children do not comply? What did your parent do when you did not comply? What do you do?

Parents may believe their job is to keep things under control by making their children behave. When children don’t, parents may use various forms of power such as punitive threats or demands: “If you don’t stop this right now, I will ….” Parents may withhold their love: “I will not love you if you do not do as I say.” Alternatively, parents may offer moral tomes such as: “You’re not being a good boy.” Coercion in the form of praise and a promise of a reward is also a use of power: “Now, be a good girl, pick up your toys, and I will give you ice cream.”

No one – and this includes children – welcomes the exercise of authority. We feel resentment, we feel manipulated, and we resist when we feel we have no choice. The fact is, we – children and adults – only do things only when we are ready. In addition, children can only do things when they are developmentally able and when they have learned how.

The opposite of authority is understanding, compassion, empathy, and acceptance. These are part of an alternative way for how to respond to a child’s (and an adult’s) “No!” This alternative comes from a compassionate language called nonviolent communication (NVC). NVC is based on mutual respect, on learning from one another, and on being willing to contribute to another’s well-being. NVC was developed by the late Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg. He taught NVC to individuals and organizations throughout the world, and he qualified hundreds to become NVC trainers. Today people are learning NVC and using it in their personal relationships and in their work in, for example, schools, government positions, corporations, health care, prisons, and social change agencies.

A basic understanding of NVC is that behaviors are the strategies we use to satisfy our needs. An NVC insight is that when someone (your child or another adult) says “No!” they are not rejecting you. They are not being stubborn or obstinate. Saying “No!” is a strategy for saying “YES!” to meeting their own needs. When someone says “No,” they are saying “YES!” to something that is important to them at this moment.

Instead of trying to make others do what we want, instead of assuming our parental role is to be authoritative and in charge, we can connect meaningfully with children (and adults too) and work together so that everyone’s needs are met. This requires us to not judge or evaluate our children (and adults too) as right or wrong, as good or bad. Dr. Rosenberg explained it this way: “We need to be able to tell children whether what they’re doing is in harmony with our needs, or in conflict with our needs, but to do it in a way that doesn’t stimulate guilt or shame on the child’s part.”

The intent of NVC communication is to honestly express ourselves to others and to empathically hear others. Honesty and empathy are expressed through four parts: observations, feelings, needs, and requests. At first, NVC may sound like a formula and feel unnatural. Soon, however, it will feel ordinary.

Inbal Kashtan, an NVC trainer, offered this example with a parent and her two-year-old:

The four components of Nonviolent Communication are: Observations, feelings, needs, and requests.

Observations
An observation is what we have seen or heard. Observations differ from judgments, evaluations, or interpretations. For example, it’s time for a bath, and your child says, “No!” A judgmental response would be to say, “Don’t say ‘no.’ That’s being rude.” But we – and children too – dig in our heels when we are judged; we may disagree, deny, or even become aggressive.

In NVC, an observation is linked to statements of feelings and needs and without evaluation: “When I say it’s bath time, and I hear (an observation) you say “No,” I wonder if you are feeling irritated (the child’s feeling) because you want to continue playing (the child’s need)?” Your child may reply, “Yes!” Children recognize when they have been heard without judgment, and they are often more open to hearing more including our own feelings and needs.

You see your older child take toys from her younger sister. A judgmental comment would be, “Stop that! It’s wrong to take her toys.” Alternatively, a statement of observation is linked to statements of feelings and needs: “I’m frustrated (the parent’s feeling) when I see you take your sister’s toys (an observation), because I have a need for cooperation (the parent’s need) when you play.” Instead of demanding, “How many times do I have to tell you to clean up the kitchen?” say, “I am feeling frustrated (the parent’s feeling) when I see the kitchen (an observation), because I really need support (the parent’s need) to keep the house clean.”

Feelings
Feelings are our emotional experience and physical sensations associated with our needs that have been met or that remain unmet. Remarkably, when our needs are satisfied, we feel a variety of happiness. We may feel excited, inspired, joyful, peaceful, grateful, and living. When are needs are not met, we feel varieties of unhappiness. We may feel confused, tense, annoyed, afraid, embarrassed, and sad.

We can name and connect with our feelings, describe our inner experience, and not describe our evaluations and judgments of other people. We could say, “I feel sad,” rather than blame another: “I feel like you don’t care for my feelings.” When we describe our feelings, we also express what’s important to us. We could then connect with empathy and together meet both of our needs.

Needs
Needs are an essential part of our shared human experience. Needs are what is most important to our core values, and we engage constantly to satisfy our needs. We have physical needs such as food, shelter, sleep, and safety. We also have needs such as compassion, connection, communication, independence, meaning, understanding, play, affection, love, and peace.

NVC instructs that the needs of one person cannot be satisfied at the expense of another. In other words, I cannot use personal or other forms of power to meet my needs. I cannot blame, criticize, threaten, or demand. I can accomplish my needs through non-violent means, and this requires your needs are satisfied too. This does not compromise; this is not sacrificing. Instead, we can connect with one another, cooperate, and work together. We can communicate and creatively resolve issues that otherwise prevent both of us from satisfying our needs.

Requests
We can express our feelings and needs. Expressing empathy compassionately connects us with another’s feelings and needs. We then more deeply understand one another, connect, and work together so that both of our needs are met. We do this by making requests. Requests in NVC are an alternative to making judgments, evaluations, and demands. Dr. Rosenberg described the difference:

“One of the most unfortunate results of making our objective to get our children to do what we want, rather than having our objective be for all of us to get what we want, is that eventually, our children will be hearing a demand in whatever we are asking. And whenever people hear a demand, it’s hard for them to keep focus on the value of whatever is being requested, because, as I said earlier, it threatens their autonomy, and that’s a strong need that all people have. They want to be able to do something when they choose to do it, and not because they are forced to do it. As soon as a person hears a demand, it’s going to make any resolution that will get everybody’s needs met much harder to come by.”

NVC identifies two types of request: requests for connection and requests for solutions. We connect first, then strategize how to meet our needs.

It’s bath time, and your child says, “No!” You reply with empathy, “When I see hear you say ‘no,’ are you feeling irritated because you want to continue playing, and would you like more time?”

Next comes a connection request to determine if you will get some cooperation for a strategy you have in mind to meet the needs of each one. You ask, “Would you be willing to stop playing in five minutes and talk with me about bath time?” If your child agrees, you can then share your needs and offer a solution request: “It’s important to me that you are all cleaned up, and I know you want to keep playing. Would you be willing to take your bath in five minutes?” These are not compromises; you are intent on hearing your child’s feelings and needs. You can make a connection request: “Would you tell me how you feel about this?” You may make a connecting request for your child to hear your feelings and needs too: “Would you tell me what you heard me say?”

Parental demands may not take as long. “I said, take your bath.” But demands leave everyone frustrated, resentful, drained, and more. Speaking with compassion makes meaningful connections; expressions of joy and love are more likely to occur. Children, when heard without judgment or evaluation, know they are accepted and cherished. They will, from a very young age, participate in developing strategies with you so that their and your needs are met.

You have to be willing to hear their “No!” and understand they are saying “YES!” to their own needs. We then work together to meet both of our needs. Children as young as 2 or 3 are able to offer strategies that meet everyone’s needs. Younger children are able to give feedback to strategies offered by parents. In time, children become confident that their needs are respected by their parents; children become confident that they are respected. They then naturally consider the needs of others and readily act to meet them.

We have this choice: We can hear our child’s “No!” with judgment and evaluation, and then make threatening demands. Or, we can connect with empathy and understand our child also has needs. We can make observations, express our feelings and needs, make requests for connecting, and then strategize for having both of our needs met. When life is not about reacting to demanding dominations, life is about expressing joyful love and acceptance.

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