Benjamin Roswell (pictured above) is originally from Canada, but when he was offered a job in Beijing he decided to take it, as he says, “to spice up my life.” He now considers it the best decision he ever made, because a friend introduced him to a Mongolian girl who wanted to practice her English and would help him learn Chinese. “Four years later,” Roswell says, “her English is amazing, my Chinese sucks, and we have a baby.” He and Sizhuxin are proud parents to 7-month-old Claire. Mom stays at home to look after the baby while Dad teaches English and guitar.

Do you remember the first time you met your mother-in-law? What were your impressions that day?
My first impression was pretty good. She was very polite with me and very open to her daughter and me dating and getting married.

After marriage, what’s the ”safe distance” between you and your mother-in-law?
After we got married it was totally fine. We had no issues at all. It was after we had the baby we developed some issues because of cultural differences.

After you had a baby, did your mother-in-law help to take care of your baby? If you don’t agree with the way in which your mother-in-law takes the child, would you point it out directly?
Yes, she really helped out a lot. We would not have been able to do it all by ourselves. But there were some issues about things she did that I did not like, and I did point them out. But we are still grateful for everything she did, because it was a lot.

Have you ever lived with your mother-in-law? If you lived together, what’s the maximum time you can handle?
Yes, she lived with us for the first month after the baby’s birth. Haha, well… I could handle about 10 days out of the month she actually lived with us.

What do you like best about your mother-in-law?
I like many things about her. Her generosity, her willingness to go above and beyond what is asked. If you ask her to carry something for a mile, she will carry it two miles. And her cooking, of course!

What’s the biggest conflict between you and your mother-in-law?
The biggest conflict between us is just her getting too involved in my wife’s and my life. When my wife and I get into an argument, her mother is always jumping in and getting involved. But we have found a solution to the problem, and we don’t have this issue anymore.

What role does your wife play, when you disagree with your mother-in-law?
My wife and I tend to stand together and have the same views, and this tends to cause issues between her and her mother. Her mother has the idea that whenever she and I argue, my wife has to stand on her side, but we won’t go against each other. We work more as a team now.

Which holidays do you celebrate with your mother-in-law? What did you/ would you give your mother-in-law as a special gift?
We celebrate all Chinese and Western holidays. We both respect and honor each other’s traditions and holidays; we have kind of taken on each other’s holidays as our own. My mother-in-law now loves Christmas with all the lights, music and decorations. My wife and I got her special/funny family pictures, and she seemed to love them more than all the other gifts we got her. When I go back to Canada I’ll be getting her something special there. I got my wife some gifts from the Indian reserve and she loved that. I was thinking to get the same for her mother. I should say our mother, haha!

Zhang Ru (Ruby Zhang) and Eric Falgout (pictured above) fell in love in school. At that time Eric Falgout was an English teacher at China Agricultural University, and Ruby was a pedagogy postgraduate. Eventually, they got married, and now have a son, Max, who is 4 years old. Since 2012, Eric has run his own TOEFL studio in Beijing.

Do you remember the first time you met your mother-in-law? What were your impressions that day?
I first met my mother-in-law at New Orleans airport. She and her husband drove to the airport to pick up my child and me. Our plane should have arrived in the afternoon but it didn’t arrive until the next morning. I saw two old people sitting in the distance, holding a toy dog. Max loves toy dogs, he held the dog happily and got in the car. When we got home we received many gifts, including bags and notebooks with my name printed on them, a small bottle of perfume, a piece of chocolate and a local map. Maybe my mother-in-law thought I could walk around and make some good memories during the days I was living with her.

After your marriage, what’s the “safe distance” between you and your mother-in-law?
With respect to Chinese people, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a sensitive question. But I don’t think it’s a problem to live with a foreign one, mostly because we won’t live together all the time. Especially for us who live in different countries, which is a very safe distance!

After you had a baby, did your mother-in-law help to take care of your baby? If you don’t agree with the way in which your mother-in-law takes the child, would you point it out directly?
Yes, of course, when it comes to taking care of children, she is very experienced. After all, she has raised three children. She is warmhearted and responsible, but she doesn’t take control of everything. As a mother, I still play the main role in raising my child. Because my son is picky, he can’t resist French fries and chicken. They knew he likes them, so they always cooked them for him. It’s unhealthy but I didn’t point it out directly, just bought them an air fryer. After all, using air pressure is healthier than oil. They all loved the air fryer.

Have you ever lived with your mother-in-law? If you lived together, what’s the maximum time you can handle?
I lived with her about five months that time. Actually, I think my case is not so common in transnational marriages. It’s mainly because we’d never met before, for many reasons, so I took these five months as compensation for the time we missed before. I also wanted the child to receive an American education and spend time with his grandparents. I think this long time is a lot more than normal. Generally speaking, I think two to three weeks is a normal range. If we all lived in the United States, one week would be considered a long time.

What do you like best about your mother-in-law?
She is scrupulous, responsible, and warmhearted. I can only use “great” to describe her.

What’s the biggest conflict between you and your mother-in-law?
It’s about cleanliness. She loves cleaning rooms, but I don’t. She criticized me because of not making the bed and tossing things. But she used gentle words. She said I should set an example for my kid. If I’m in a mess, how can I teach him and give him a clean environment?

What role does your husband play, when you disagree with your mother-in-law?
We don’t have such big problems that we need help from my husband. We can handle it between ourselves.

Which holidays do you celebrate with your mother-in-law? What did you/ would you give your mother-in-law as a special gift?
Her birthday, wedding anniversary, and Mother’s Day are all important. And other holidays like Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas I will also send her wishes and gifts. Last year on Mother’s Day, I gave her a music box. Her own daughter also gave her a music box, which is very interesting. And my mother-in-law said, “you are my real daughter!”

Photos: Courtesy of Benjamin Roswell and Ruby Zhang
This article appeared on p40-41 of beijingkids May 2018 issue

In China they say marrying a person means marrying their family. This could not be more accurate especially in relation to one’s Chinese mother-in-law (MIL). Often a presence larger than life, it is fair to say that in China she is the one who can make or break your relationship. While in the West generally speaking her personality would hardly be a reason to end a promising attachment, in China this is not unheard of. For this reason, if you are looking for a serious relationship with a Chinese, even more so when it’s a Chinese man, there are a few points to consider in relation to his mother. Here is the checklist for your future Chinese Mother-in-Law.

An Open Mind
By the mere fact that you are a foreigner looking to date a Chinese, your MIL has to have an open mind. There are two types of reactions I have commonly encountered when son or daughter brings home a foreigner: we aren’t marriage material because we are all promiscuous cheaters or the baijiu bottles are being decanted because of the future mixed babies. However, even when there is acceptance on the surface, it can still be difficult in the long run. While many MILs might enjoy the idea of having a foreign in-law for face reasons or all those little mixed superhumans our genes will produce, they might not be as readily accepting of the consequences that you will do or see things differently than a Chinese person. The key to it all so the question whether MIL is willing to respect and accommodate that you might not want to buy a house for her daughter, or not pop out an army of little superbabies with her son right after the wedding.

While I have given up on trying to brainwash my MIL to abandon patriarchal ideas of child rearing, a wife’s duties or a woman’s appropriate behavior (in any age category) she will at least do me the courtesy of granting me my own views. If you learn that your potential future MIL has more of an approach of Chinese way or the highway, then – unless she lives on a different continent – you might want to think really hard about whether you want that struggle and negativity in your life.

Location, Location, Location
I’ve found that in many relationships that struggle in China – be it between locals or with an international partner involved – there is one clear factor that can cause serious marital issues: the proximities of one’s in-laws. The rule of thumb tends to be the closer the in-laws the bigger the problems. It is not uncommon for in-laws to live with their offspring – often to take on child caring duties – and certainly there are those who can handle it. I tip my hat to them. Yet, I personally would recommend if at all possible to try and find a solution other than cohabitation. The way in which Chinese express their care is by expressing concern and criticism for every last little corner of your life – or as Western minds might perceive it by nagging the socks off you and being overbearing. Now I can happily accept this for a limited amount of time – but the idea of constantly being told that my clothes aren’t weather appropriate or my drinking cold water is slowly killing me and other opinions peppered with cultural assumptions that I might not share is not tempting to put it lightly.

While I am lucky in so far that my MIL is fairly lightweight in the nagging category, it can and often does create a very negative environment if you have a hypercritical MIL. Especially when there is a different idea of what constitutes personal space and being a good wife. So do yourself a favor – if they insist on moving in with you for anything other than a temporary necessity, you might want to move out.

Mental Independence
I’ve found the relationship between traditional Chinese parents and their offspring fascinating: there is a form of codependency where while the child is young he/she depends utterly on the parents. But as everyone grows older the parents very willingly become quite dependent on their child for help — while still maintaining the authority that age affords them in Chinese society. So a parent might happily tell you they cannot do that simple thing they’re asking your assistance within the same breath as telling you you’re of course doing it all wrong.

In this ever-changing world it is entirely normal that as you age, you are less and less in step with the latest gadgets and regulations and therefore you will need assistance from your child in some matters. However there seems to be a tendency where Western minds might be tempted to try and deal with an issue ourselves or call the handy man. But in China it’s common to call up the son and tell him to fix your router, fill out your tax return, or book that holiday for you. So when you’re browsing for potential MILs it might be helpful to gauge how mentally independent she is. The degree to which she will depend on your spouse or you will vary on a case to case basis; but if she is calling you ten times a day for help with switching on the TV box you might want to hit the pause button.

Financial Independence
It is quite common in Chinese culture for children to pay a part of their salary to the parents as a way of filial piety. It is also in many cases the parent’s retirement plan. In a country where pensions exist but are merely a pittance, it is law of the land for elderly to look to their children to pay for their upkeep. That’s where the traditional saying “having sons in preparation for old age” (养儿防老 yǎng er fánglǎo) comes from. In some cases however, the expectations of what “upkeep” entails and how much of your money should go to the parents can become quite extreme. Especially in cases of divorce, there are those traditionally bred mothers who might entirely rely both financially and emotionally on their child and spouse to provide for them.

On the other hand as more and more Chinese are moving upward into the middle class, this practice is not as common as it used to be; as the parents are financially more secure, the need for their children to pay for them decreases. If you don’t fancy spending all your hard-earned cash on MIL’s latest trip to Europe or another pair of shiny diamond earrings, you might want to get an idea of how high her financial expectations are towards you and your spouse, before jumping into a lifelong and potentially financially draining commitment.

Taking Sides
One thing that amazed me about my MIL was that in the beginning of our relationship when my husband acted out of turn, she would defend me and tell him to get a grip. While this has slightly tapered off over time, in general she hasn’t been afraid to tell him when he’s wrong — and to me this is crucial. To many mothers in China, her son is her sparkling prince who can do no wrong — and this can go so far as for transgressions to be excused because “the wife must have done something to make him cheat.” While of course she can’t take your side on every issue, I think it is a good indicator whether she is willing to see your side of things. Chinese mothers have a lot of power over their offspring and you don’t want her constantly enabling your spouses bad behaviors.

Control
Probably the biggest factor in making MIL a potential deal breaker is the need to control their offsprings’ life and by extension yours. Whether that’s telling you what career to chose, where to live, when to get married, when and how many babies to have and how to raise them… the traditional Chinese MIL puts all her opinions on you and expects you to listen. Independence? Your own life? Your decision? Forget it! MIL has spent the last 2.5 decades investing her whole being into her little prince or princess and she expects a return on that. Especially since she doesn’t really have much else in her life to keep herself occupied. If this is the experience you have made – run as far as the wind can carry you. And if you decide that you love your partner enough to put up with the potential of being micromanaged for the rest of your days, again, you probably want to consider moving to another continent.

Admiration
Finally, this is a rather personal one, but a major reason why I get on with my MIL is because I admire her. She built a successful business on her own in the 90s as a divorced woman in a comparatively small town. She’s tough as nails, independent and fits hardly any of the stereotypical MIL behavior that we foreigners tend to worry about. I respect her, while my personal convictions would have made it difficult to think highly of a person who exhibited all the behaviors I mentioned above. Now your worldview is certainly different from mine, and maybe you can deal with many of the characteristics of a traditional Chinese MIL as mentioned above – if so, I think that’s great! Let me know how you do it! In any event, make sure that your MIL is worth the time and possibly money you invest in your relationship!

As I leave you to ponder this hopefully useful MIL checklist, it’s time for me to devote my attention to planning where my future son is going to go to university and how many mixed babies his future wife will have to pop out until I’m satisfied. Until next time!