The reality of the emotional roller coaster associated with pregnancy is of course widely researched and accepted as part of the joys and challenges of impending motherhood. From sleepless nights worrying about the health of their babies, to dealing with uncertainties related to the changes in their bodies, to the angst some might feel about becoming mothers, the stream of consciousness that can berate women from all backgrounds can seem endless.

It turns out that the emotional changes associated with pregnancy are largely neurological.  A lot of course changes, but for new mothers in particular some of the starkest differences are also the most intimate and life reorienting. Even before giving birth, pregnancy begins to transform the very structure of a woman’s brain. Behavioral changes in new mothers have definitively been connected to what is happening in her amygdala, prefrontal cortex, parietal lobes, midbrain and elsewhere.

Regions that control a woman’s social exchanges, anxiety, empathy and compassion all begin to increase in activity. Offset by a number of hormones that begin to shape the perceived and lived new worlds women begin to exist in during pregnancy and the postpartum period, all coincide to create that fierce bond between mother and child. If you want to witness science fiction’s take on how distinct and powerful a mother and baby bond is, check out A Quiet Place, and see the limitless tenacity of a mother in an apocalyptic world.

However, it’s not just the seemingly unbreakable bond between mother and child that is fostered during this period of heightened brain activity and transformation; a woman’s emotional responses to the world around them is also forever changed. I just can’t stop weeping. I weep when watching commercials, I weep when watching the news, I weep when watching one of those atrociously over-stylized “talent” shows, and the other day I caught myself welling up when watching an overwhelmed contestant on the British Master Chef receive good feedback!

This, apparently (and thankfully), is all very normal and I’m not alone. The almond-shaped neuron cluster known as the amygdala, which supports memory processes and is the main driver for emotional reactions, such as fear, sadness, anxiety, and happiness, increases in activity and the amygdala grows quite substantially in the weeks and months after giving birth. This expertly explains why I have become the emotional glug of goo that stands before my child, husband, family and friends. Researchers believe that this growth correlates with how a new mother behaves – an enhanced amygdala can make a new mother hypersensitive. Phew! I’m not going stir crazy and neither are you.

Remember that there are also other reasons why new mothers cry. Complete elation is of course one of them, but sleep deprivation, feeding issues, sleep training issues and hormonal imbalances that can lead to postpartum depression can also co-exist alongside the more positive attributes of increased hypersensitivity.

New and seasoned mothers slay even when they think they’re not. Perfectly sane mothers weep, rejoice and feel anxiety. We give birth to life, nurture, and love, affirm and deeply surrender ourselves to the little people in our lives. There is no love or sacrifice like that of mothers. Yes, motherhood does make you more emotional and we should embrace this season of emotional highs and lows, which for some can last longer than others.

My compassion and empathy for others has become heightened and I also grieve for losses and pains that an individual who has no connection to me might be experiencing, but perhaps these emotional reactions have created a hybrid sense of self. In this unknown territory and season I can grow as a person and so can other new mothers. Weeping at the drop of hat? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that!

Photo: Pixabay

I had so many mothers talking with me about my Mothers Guilt in China post a while back that this made me think about the other kinds of guilty feelings we have. It seems that the moment my daughter was born I had guilt inside my DNA. I felt guilty for wanting her, I felt guilty for not wanting her. I felt guilty because I had a C-section. I felt guilty that I did not enjoy my pregnancy with her. I felt guilty for my postnatal depression.

There are no limits to the guilt I have felt, and speaking with mothers about this, I realized we all have this feeling. No matter how we did things or how we do things now, mothers in general feel guilty. Some mothers feel no guilt and that’s fine too, I don’t want mothers feeling guilty that they don’t feel guilt.

I have been a stay at home mother for half my daughters life and the other half I started working again. Getting back into the work force was a huge part of my recovery from postnatal depression, but also made me realize that it’s really hard to combine both work and motherhood. I was lucky as I was able to work on my husband’s days off in the same kitchen, while my husband took care of our daughter. It gave me the peace of mind I needed to be able to work and not worry.

But I felt guilty leaving my daughter without me even though she was with her father. I felt guilty having fun at work and most of all, I felt guilty that it was working that made me mentally feel better. I remember my husband sending me pictures of my daughter’s first experience having her face painted. I cried. I felt so left out and you guessed it, guilty. I feel that working makes me a better mother as I can recharge at work, I can be an adult. In the kitchen I was just happy that I had to only make sure to keep myself alive. I remember colleagues asking me what I had done on my days off and I would answer, “This is my day off.”

I was quite reluctant leaving my daughter with an ayi in China and going to work, but I knew that I would come back feeling better and having more energy to be a mother. I felt even more reluctant sending her to school as I envisioned us homeschooling her and her running around on bare feet in the forest all day. But it turns out this is something that won’t work for us as parents and a family. I want my daughter to understand that me working does not make me love her less. To be honest it makes me love her more.

But my daughter does not see it that way, she cries sometimes when I leave. She can speak, so she asks me many questions that my husband does not have to answer too. “Why do you have to work?” “Please don’t leave me mommy!” It breaks my heart when she cries when I leave, and it melts my heart when she is so happy when I come home.

I know so many mothers and each of us has one thing in common. Each one of us works 24 hours a day – stay-at-home mothers do, and working mothers do. The work is endless, but we seem to all have the same goal: a happy and healthy home life.

Pictures by Pixabay and zliving

When I gave birth to my daughter over 3 years ago, I ordered a sling as soon as we got home. I felt like I needed to keep her close to me, and a sling helped me with that. I had a primal instinct to keep her close to my body, and would not let anybody touch her but the midwife and my husband.

The sling provided her a safe space that I mentally needed to feel less out of control as a new mother. Later we moved on to a stretchy wrap that helped us with bonding, and provided another safe space for me and my daughter. I suffered from severe postpartum depression and wearing my daughter was one of the things that helped me get through these trying times. Baby wearing is a centuries old practice of wearing or carrying your baby in a sling or another carrier.

A few benefits of baby wearing:

• Bonding with your child;
• Convenient since you have free hands to do other things;
• A safe place for your child and the parent; and
• Communication between parent and child.

I was surprised to find mothers all over the world having the same feelings about child and baby rearing. It is always an inspiration when I find mothers who invest their time into helping other mothers through difficult times, especially before and after giving birth.

One of these women in Beijing is Alessia Chizzoniti, a mother of three children who were all born in Beijing. Chizzoniti is a birth doula, postpartum doula, and baby wearing coach. She also creates slings that are not just fabric but are also pieces of happiness, helping parents and children stay connected. Her company, Baobaole, does not only stand for “carrying a baby” but is a never-ending journey from pregnancy throughout life as a parent. Browsing through her website makes me believe that a special birth and postpartum period is possible.

For more information about Chizzoniti and her work please visit her new website at www.baobaolebeyond.com

Pauline van Hasselt has been working for beijingkids since October 2016. Born in Wassenaar, The Netherlands, she moved with her husband and her 3 year-old daughter to Beijing in June of last year. Prior she lived in the Netherlands, Belgium, Paraguay, Texas, and London, studying and working as a chef. Pauline enjoys biking around Beijing, finding markets and new restaurants, reading crime and fantasy books in bed, and most importantly, turning her house into a home for her family.

Photos by  Alessia Chizzoniti & Pauline van Hasselt

Olivia Lee is our nutrition columnist here at beijingkids and while she’s not working on her next article, baking healthy treats, or having fun with her lovely family, she’s holding interesting seminars (mini-group sessions) from home.

Lee’s next mini-group session deals with prenatal health – specifically the role a healthy diet plays in a child’s long-term health future.

The details below are taken from Lee’s website:

Building Baby

Programming your child’s health future

Flexi-mini group sessions

What makes us the way we are?

Why are some people predisposed to be anxious, overweight or asthmatic?

Conventional answers for those questions point to the DNA we inherited, childhood experiences, daily environment,  lifestyle choices etc.

However, you may not have considered another powerful reason.  New studies are now showing that our life as a fetus can influence our future health too.

Even before egg meets sperm, nutritional status can have significant and surprising effects on your potential baby’s health future.  Once conception happens, the baby’s organs are developing at an incredible rate, your personal nutrition will play a significant role in the outcome of the pregnancy and may even influence how you experience the pregnancy too.

Topics include

• Why nutrition matters before getting pregnant
• What you really need to help ‘build’ a happy and healthy baby
• Reducing the chances of baby’s future risk of heart disease, obesity and diabetes with the right nutrition during pregnancy
• Avoiding unnecessary weight gain
• Coping with unique challenges of living in Beijing such as stress, pollution etc
• Q&A

Price 150RMB per person, payment at the door (Men may join but only with the permission of the other women in the group)

• Session price includes workbooks for taking notes
• Held in my house, the sofa is comfy and the bathroom is nearby and clean
• Location is China Central Place Apartments north of DaWang Bridge [near Shin Kong Shopping Center]
• Some healthy snacks will be provided

About the Speaker

Olivia Lee is the regular nutrition columnist for beijingkids Magazine.

• MSc in Nutrition (USA) and Certified Counselor (Singapore)
• Professional member of the National Association of  Nutrition Professionals (NANP)

Dates, Times & Coordination

8th April, Fri 10am

9th April, Sat 2pm

• Registration is via email
• Above talk dates are penciled in and can be adjusted to fit the group’s needs.
• The current spread of times should suit most stay at home or working women
• To make efficient use of my time, I need a min of 4 attendees, so email me your preferences (Name, Mobile/Cell number, Date)
• Additional workshops can be arranged for any group of 4 or more attendees
• FYI I have cats which will be locked away for the duration. If you are allergic, we can arrange for a private session elsewhere.
• If you cannot attend, please make sure you contact me so others are not kept waiting for me to start.
• I reserve the right to cancel any session that does not meet the minimal number of attendees.
• Registration closes 24 hrs before it starts (I need to print and bind those workbooks! Make snacks etc)