We have all been there. The first time we stepped foot into our new home-away-from-home, it may have been with great anxiety and trepidation. Moving to a foreign country is challenging at the best of times, but uprooting your family and acclimatizing to a new cultural environment comes with its own set of unique tests and trials.

Families moving to Beijing have several issues to contend with once their feet touch the tarmac. Relocation can be one of the most testing times for families who have uprooted their lives from one country to the next. Usually, they spend a considerable amount of time navigating their way through several transitions; not least is the issue of getting the kids settled into a new school.

Dulwich College Beijing (DCB) has been investing in several ways to help ease the strain that a family may go through when moving across shores to build a new life. Their counseling program with the support of the student body and members of faculty work together to provide a welcoming environment for new students and a support network for both them and their families.

DCB Teacher and Counselor, Karla Hawkins, shared with beijingkids first-hand knowledge of the biggest challenges faced by students and parents who have moved to Beijing, “They have gone through a roller coaster of emotions from pure excitement and the prospect of all the new adventures ahead, to incredible lows surrounding the leaving of friends, family, and often pets.”

Hawkins went on to say that most families start seeking out ways to develop some sort of normalcy after arriving. They often prioritize making efforts to recreate elements of their previous life while doing their best to cultivate friendships. However, this rush to experience some semblance of their old life often results in a family neglecting to take their time to get accustomed to the culture and way of life here, which often leads to them rushing the transitional period only to realize that some things take much longer than anticipated.

To combat some of the disappointment a student and parent might experience during the initial phase of adjustment in a new country, DCB has set up a Peer Mentoring Programme where International Baccalaureate (IB) students are trained to mentor and support Key Stage 3 (Years 7, 8, and 9) students. New students in particular really benefit from this program, which offers one-to-one support. “Younger students benefit from talking to older students as they often feel that someone closer to their age understands them better than the adults in their lives,” says Hawkins.

When it comes to age-specific challenges for students, there are a few to consider for both younger and older kids. If you have young children they may tend to miss their usual routines and the comfort of their old surroundings, however, they usually adapt more quickly in comparison to older students on campus, especially if supported by parents who recreate as many of these routines as possible.

For older students establishing meaningful friendships can take time and is one of the key sources of difficulty for some as they try and develop more of a social standing in school, however, this all gets easier as older students begin to immerse themselves in extracurricular activities. “As students move into IB DP (Diploma Program) years, it gets easier again as they tend to focus more on their work and get involved in after-school activity programs,” explained Hawkins.

At DCB all new students and their parents attend a New Families Orientation session the day before the rest of the student body arrives at the school for the start of the academic year; “This gives the new students an opportunity to meet their teachers and other new students ahead of the first day of school,” said Hawkins. This is vital to supporting students through the initial difficult first few weeks and months and partners other awesome initiatives. These include the Early Years and Junior School summer presentation, where students are presented with a photo and a short introduction to their class teacher, and Buddy program, which involves assigning new students to a member of the student body who can help them find their feet until they are ready to go at it alone.

There is also a week-long transition program for Year 6 students who are moving from Junior School to Senior School, whereby all new and current students join DCB from other schools in Beijing to participate in helping one another to transition confidently into the new year. This, Hawkins said, is a proactive and motivational aspect of student life; “The student body is extremely welcoming and always happy to help new students. Most go above and beyond to help and support.”

For the families of students attending DCB, the school organizes a “Newcomers Fair.” This is an opportunity for parents and extended family to get familiar with their community, network, and ask questions. Their parent association, ‘Friends of Dulwich’ is very active in organizing “connection lunches,” and “Bring a Friend” coffee mornings to help engage newcomers, welcome them and their families, and offer a support network made up of parents.

Acclimatization is never easy, and stringent back-up initiatives are always needed for those who may continue to struggle with their new environment. The Pastoral system at DCB deals with offering consistent and ongoing support, “The pastoral leaders work closely with the teachers and form tutors to ensure that those who are struggling have a support strategy put in place that will ensure they do acclimatize and settle in,” said Hawkins.

If you and your family are struggling to settle in Beijing and wondering how your home-away-from-home will ever really feel like ‘home,’ then patience is the key says, Hawkins. Take your time and allow you and the kids to adapt without the added pressure of wanting to make everything happen now. Check out what kind of support services the school where your kids attend offer and ensure that you and your family take advantage of the many opportunities to participate in school and family-orientated initiatives and activities. The kids can meet and make new friends and parents can connect with other parents also needing support and advice.

Remember that the name of the game for a family transitioning into a new life abroad often involves a period of testing times. Even seasoned expats have experiences with isolation, challenges with culture, and adapting to a new environment, particularly if you are worried about how your kids are coping at school. As Hawkins put perfectly; “There is often trial and error until your child finds the right activity, but once they do, that sense of being part of a group is essential for belonging and transition.”

Photo: Courtesy of DCB

One of many expat’s favorite things about life in Beijing is the sheer amount of diverse community to be found and the many things to do with family. Most of the hurdles of settling into Beijing are more easily jumped with a friend in hand. Typically, both expats and Chinese are happy to help those fresh off the plane – one only needs to ask. Since it’s been a while since beijingkids staff was new, we asked three new-to-Beijing moms what was hard about adjusting to life, tips they’d give, and how community and support groups can make a difference.

Provided by Beijing City International School (BCIS), Jenae Drisner, Graduated (made in Grade 11), first published in JingKids March 2015

 
This article originally appeared on p 52-53 of beijingkids May 2017 Home & Relocation Guide.
Download the digital copy here.

Growing up in the United States during the 1950s, Michael Killfoil recalls: “My father worked, my mother worked. There was no stay-at-home dad. There was no stay-at-home mom. There was a mom who ran the house like a drill sergeant, and the dad never got involved in any of it.”

That concept of fatherhood was redefined when Killfoil himself, now 68, became a stay-at-home dad four years ago. Statistics show he’s not alone. According to the 2007 US Census Bureau, the US has about 159,000 stay-at-home dads, a number that almost tripled from a decade before. That number excludes single fathers, ones who work part-time, and those with children over 15.

When Killfoil and his wife Chinchie Chao Killfoil, age 54, adopted a 6-month-old baby from China in 1999, they were both working for the Internal Revenue Service in Houston, Texas. Hoping that their baby daughter Kelly would pick up some Chinese, they often left her with her Taiwanese grandparents. When they relocated to San Francisco and then Washington D.C., Kelly’s Chinese level did not improve. By then, Killfoil had already stopped doing full-time work in favor of tax consultation. When the IRS opened China’s first Tax Attaché office in Beijing, the couple jumped at the chance to have Kelly experience her birth country firsthand. When his wife got the job in Beijing, Killfoil retired completely to look after Kelly.

Debunking Common Myths
The phenomenon of stay-at-home dads is nothing new. One of the most important factors for this shift is the increase of women in high-paying jobs. In China, where attitudes about gender roles tend to remain more conservative, stay-at-home dads often attract more attention. One of the biggest misconceptions about them is “that we don’t know what we’re doing,” notes 44-year-old father, Trevor Marshallsea.

Four years ago, Marshallsea quit his job as the chief cricket writer for The Sydney Morning Herald to become a stay-at-home dad. He became the primary caregiver of his two daughters (Lani, age 6, and Evie, age 4) for practical reasons. His wife Stephanie Teoh is currently a family physician and child specialist at the Beijing International SOS Clinic. As a doctor, Teoh’s job seemed more mobile, so it made sense for her to find work in another country while Marshallsea stayed at home with the kids.

Having worked as a journalist since the age of 17, Marshallsea welcomed the chance to spend time at home. Since living in Beijing, Marshallsea does find that locals are perplexed by a wife working instead of a husband. A common misconception about stay-at-home dads is that they are unemployed or between jobs.

When one of Marshallsea’s daughters falls down in the compound yard, it is not uncommon for a swarm of ayis to swoop down on her out of concern. He feels that they are sometimes puzzled by his more laid-back parenting style.

“Some people might say or think, ‘How would a bloke know how to do this?’ or ‘It’s not a guy’s job.’ They probably think we’re like a fish out of water, but at the end of the day, it’s not rocket science.”

In general though, his experience in China has been a very positive one and if anything, he finds that strangers give him too much praise for being a full-time dad.

“We always get pats on the back for doing the mundane. I was feeding my girl a bottle of milk one day and this man passes saying ‘Oh, good on ya! You’re doing a great job!’ Whereas women who stay at home have to put their careers on the shelf. If they’re feeding their kid a bottle, no one says ‘You’re a great mother!'”

Redefining the Roles
Thirty-one-year-old Nils Brøgger Jakobsen feels that resources for stay-at-home parents in Beijing lean more towards mothers. Although he has always felt included in online groups like Beijing Mamas, he wishes their names would represent a wider range of parents.

When filling out a form, he explains, “It might say ‘mama’s name,’ but actually, what is relevant for me is to put in my name. [In English,] you have maternity leave and paternity leave, which is bad because it separates the genders. In Denmark, it would be called parent’s leave.”

Currently on “parent’s leave,” Jakobsen plans to return to his job at the international development organization ActionAid in Denmark. He moved to Beijing in August with his girlfriend Anja Bollerup-Jensen, age 29, and their 10-month-old son Birk. Bollerup-Jensen is currently doing a four-month internship with the Danish Cultural Institute as part of her master’s degree in Chinese and Global Studies.

Like Marshallsea, Jakobsen isn’t fazed by any setbacks that he has encountered in Beijing.

“I’ve been very welcome,” he says. “[They] call it ‘Mama’s Club,’ but when I say, ‘Can daddies come?’ they’re like, ‘Yeah! Please come.'”

For dads like Killfoil, he sees being a stay-at-home dad as an opportunity to challenge gender stereotypes from the ground up – starting with his daughter. He says, “I think [my daughter’s]vision of a role model is [that]the husband stays at home and takes care of everything. When she grows up and has a husband, I think he’s in trouble.”

The Dad Network
These three expat dads agree that a strong support network is one of the key elements to being a well-adjusted stay-at-home parent. “Everyone needs help,” says Marshallsea.

The difficulty, however, lies in finding these fellow dads in Beijing.

“Since I’ve been here, I’ve met two in three years,” states Killfoil.

And although Jakobsen enjoys spending time with mothers (and grandmothers) from his compound, he often misses the “guys” back home. “We were a bunch of friends who had kids at the same time. It would be so great for me if I could hang out with them. But this is also a great opportunity for me to be in a different culture and see things from a different point of view.”

Yet for Marshallsea, seeking out other stay-at-home dads is not a priority.

He says, “There was one other last year [in my compound]. All the stay-at-home moms that I hang out with were falling over themselves to talk. ‘There’s another stay-at-home dad, you’ve got to meet him!’ It was the-only-other-panda-in-the-zoo kind of thing.”

Marshallsea feels there’s no need to confine himself to just befriending other dads when the Beijing expat community alone is so tight-knit and supportive.

In the end, Killfoil shares his sentiment: “The thing of it is, you could have two stay-at-home dads who have totally different backgrounds and wouldn’t get along at all. You have to have something else in common.”

Busy Dads Means Happy Dads
These full-time parents are always on the go, making the term “stay-at-home” a bit of a misnomer. To balance their duties as fathers, they make sure they have time to themselves. When his daughter is at school, Killfoil regularly plays tennis and explores the old villages surrounding the Shunyi area on his bicycle.

In Marshallsea’s case, it was his love of horse racing that kept him entertained during his first few months as a stay-at-home dad in Australia. Now that Lani and Evie are both in school, Marshallsea is gearing up for a number of writing projects, including a blog, called The Tiger Father – in which he documents his parenting experiences.

On most days, Jakobsen simply travels around town with baby Birk in tow. It gives him an opportunity to socialize with his son and see the city in a more intimate way. Though getting around with a stroller can be difficult, he finds that strangers are always willing to lend a hand.

“What [Beijing is] missing on technical facilities, it certainly [makes up for in]kindness of people,” Jakobsen feels. “Even though I’m sometimes on my own with Birk, I have 1.3 billion assistants who are eager to help.”

A common way for stay-at-home dads to get some breathing space is to hire an ayi. Marshallsea has a helper to babysit the girls and do some cleaning five afternoons a week. Killfoil’s ayi comes over about once a week to cook and practice Chinese with Kelly. While Jakobsen has no ayi, he said he would definitely consider hiring one if he planned on staying in China for the long-term.

Cherishing the Father-Child Bond
Despite the challenges of being a stay-at-home dad, the experience has been ultimately rewarding for all three dads.

Marshallsea finds, “I love when you see them developing and you see them learning new skills. Moments like that, when you’re just really proud and happy. It’s hard to get that kind of feeling from other sources, the feeling of pride you get from your kid.”

For a new parent like Jakobsen, being a stay-at-home dad allows him to witness Birk’s rapid development. He remarks, “Even if you eventually get to repeat the experience with a second child, it won’t be quite the same.”

Killfoil hopes that the bond he has with his daughter will allow her to grow into a more independent young woman. At 13 years old, Kelly plays soccer, helps her dad with renovation projects, and knows how to change a tire on a car.

As for her Chinese, it’s really good. “I pay her RMB 20 a week to be my translator,” he says.

RESOURCES

Dad Stays Home is an active global forum for stay-at-home dads. www.dadstayshome.com

Check out beijingkids online to meet other parents at Beijing playgroups and activities or at community networking events.
www.beijing-kids.com/events

Beijing Mamas, open to mothers and fathers, is members-only group for everything related to parenting in Beijing.
www.groups.yahoo.com/group/Beijing_Mamas

The Tiger Father is Trevor Marshallsea’s blog about his experiences as a stay-at-home dad.
www.thetigerfather.com

Rebel Dad is the blog of former at-home-dad Brian Reid, who now focuses on a broader set of fatherhood-related issues.
www.rebeldad.com

This article is excerpted from beijingkids October 2011 issue. View it in PDF form here or contact distribution@beijing-kids.com to find out where you can pick up your free copy.