Now that school is back in session, many kindergarten gates are filled once again with tearful parent/child pairs that struggle to find a way to start the day as children long for the comfort of their parent and home. While there is usually a great deal of talk and information about how to help children deal with this situation, there is less regarding the parents themselves, and helping parents break down their own anxiety is a big part of the work towards happy send – offs. Here are three tips for parents to work on their own separation issues.

1. Find a listening partner. Research has shown that having adult friends to talk with and share deep emotions and struggles with is one of the best ways to deal with anxiety and stress. When we talk with friends with whom we can really open up, we often stumble on old emotional pain that can be released or find solutions to problems that had not previously been clear. And don’t be afraid to talk about your fears and anxiety lots of times. In one study, researchers found that it takes an average of retelling the same story fourteen times for it to be resolved internally. It’s not whining, it’s taking care of our needs.

2. Acknowledge the past, be in the present. Often our struggles with separation today come from painful memories. A past miscarriage, lost love, or memories from our own childhood can trigger emotional responses in the present situation. Sometimes we try to fill the gaps from past experiences by overcompensating in the present. Part of the process of healing those wounds is to acknowledge them, to accept that those things were painful, and to clearly see that the present situation is not the same.

3. At drop – off time, leave quickly. Many parents struggle with this one very important action. Children should have ample opportunities to talk with their parents about their feelings, to hug, and be comforted. However, when you are fully finished giving that attention, it’s very important to stick with the routine and go. When parents linger around, doubling back to give one more hug or kiss, it actually prolongs the process of easing separation anxiety. The child gets the message that if they cry more loudly they will get their parent to return. This can cause much more pain in the end. Trust your decision in caregivers. Be firm in maintaining a steady and stable routine. Take a deep breath, tell yourself they will be ok, and get yourself on to the day as quickly as possible. For most young children (and parents) separation anxiety should only last a few weeks if this routine is kept.

Photo: mcleancounselingcenter.com

Every Tuesday morning for the past year, I have thrown my guitar on my back and ridden my bike to Dandelion Early Education Center to teach a music-for-tots class. Designed for children aged 3 and under, this center a great destination for parents or caregivers whose children are not yet old enough for kindergarten. Even though my one-year commitment to this class is coming to a close, I really want people to know about this little center. It’s had a deep impression on me.

Located at Upper East Side, tucked neatly into a main floor unit at the base of building number 26, this little education center is doing so much right that it’s a wonder it’s not teeming with parents on waiting lists. That’s not to say lots of families don’t use its services–their longevity is proof otherwise–but gems like these are often coveted. It’s not just for residents of Upper East Side!

The space is set up with a front play room that is also an extensive library full of both English and Chinese books available for loan; then there is a small classroom where they hold art classes; and finally a large main room at the back with gentle rubberized floor mats, great lighting, and an upright piano. This large room is perfect for music classes, kungfu classes, and dance classes—to name but a few of the activities they offer.

Dandelion is a carefully designed center with a low-level hand washing station and a mini toilet for the kids. They’ve thought about air filtration, hygiene and safety. What’s more, they’ve been nothing but welcoming to kids of non-Chinese or mixed heritage with services available in both Chinese and English. They even offer a parenting class to push for more progressive childrearing approaches often resisted by traditional Chinese grandparents.

 Na jiu tai hao le ba. 那就太好了吧!