raising children – Beijing Kids

Childhood Deficits: Can Giving Your Child What You Never Had Create Shortfalls?

Nicole Bonnah — Fri, 28 Dec 2018 00:00:12 +0000

Just after giving birth to my first child, I reconnected with an old primary school friend who had just found out that she too was pregnant. This serendipitous moment sparked a deeper connection between us as we began to share our expectations, anxieties, and memories over Facebook Messenger in a style reminiscent of the back and forth correspondence in You Got Mail.

I find myself carving out time to sit down with tea or finding a quiet moment while in transit to read through detailed anecdotal, humorous, and nostalgic narratives about the personal journey my friend was and is on during what is one of the most momentous times of a woman’s life: growing a life.

One of the many prominent and poignant matters of life and love we ponder over is, of course, our own childhoods, our upbringing, and what we hope and plan our approach will be to parenthood. With each digital mail received, my distant friend who is separated from me by thousands of miles of land and ocean leaves with me deep impressions about a plethora of issues I never knew would be at the forefront of my mind.

All parents, at one point or another, speak about the notion of doing right in the areas where perhaps our parents went wrong; to provide in ways we were not provided for, not necessarily materially but emotionally, physically, and by way of offering an environment that fulfills, educates, and nurtures. One of my major concerns is the ability to allow my son to exercise autonomy. But can our marked efforts to do better in what we believe are key areas in our child’s lives create deficits in others?

Autonomy

I have always felt that I wasn’t given enough autonomy over situations and personal decisions; to have a voice that determined some of the direction I wished to go in, and that was listened to. The somewhat traditional views of my family meant that there was an innate authoritative position that belonged to the parent, and the child should and would be directed rather than allowed to self-determine in areas where it would have been safe enough for them make their own decisions– or at least be given options one could have free rein to select from.

This in turn has already manifested in me an intentional and purposeful stance on giving my son choice, a voice, and much more freedom than I was ever given. However, what deficit might I be creating in areas where a ‘no’ will protect him, as well as providing security and emotional stability in the fact that I as a parent care enough to confront, intervene, and put into place the boundaries that all kids need? When and where is the right time to take away choice? When and where is your voice the final one? Balance is everything.

I have spoken to a number of adults who in their childhood were given more freedom than a child is usually permitted to exercise in their lives, and have heard time and again that their perceived freedom of choice actually translated into abandonment or a feeling that their parents did not care. The burden of choice, and what it is to make decisions for yourself when you don’t necessarily have the tools to do so meant that for some, their autonomy was not a gift but a weight.

The “hands-off” approach to parenting in some scenarios can instill a sense of responsibility, accountability, and freedom, but can also leave a child pining for attention and seeking out destructive ways to be seen and cared for in a more intentional way. This made me think about old tropes regarding parenting, about embracing the idea that sometimes our voice needs to be the overriding factor in our children’s lives and that this, in fact, can be the purest way of showing love and affection.

Autonomy, I guess, can be given in small but significant ways that help our kids develop their characters and voices. Small decisions: food options, what to wear on a Saturday morning, what activity to participate in after school (or whether to have an extra-curricular activity at all), are all ways a parent can create balance and avoid emotional deficits in a child’s life.

Photo: Pixabay

Rearing Revolution?

Fri, 27 Aug 2010 04:06:00 +0000

Harvard Girl: Liu Yiting, Yale Girl and From Andover to Harvard are only a few of the “how I got my child into an Ivy League school” parenting books that have popped up around China in the last decade. In the first widely acclaimed of these guides, Harvard Girl: Liu Yiting, her parents describe that when Liu was a child, they would make her hold an ice cube for as long as she could to build stamina. Liu was also told to practice jumping rope until she won a competition at school as well as complete her elementary school work in the noisiest part of the house to develop concentration abilities. A storm of similar books followed, snatched up by parents who believed parenting techniques that worked for the parents of “successful” students might work for their own children.

The one-sided knowledge of the aforementioned parenting tips (as well as Liu Yiting) has been ubiquitous in China ever since Harvard Girl was published in 2000. Until now.

Author Yin Jianli’s first book, A Good Mother Is Better Than a Good Teacher, published in January 2009 has been in the top three spots on China’s bestseller list almost every week since May 2009. A recent Wall Street Journal post about author Yin Jianli and her new found fame revealed some of the relatively unconventional parenting tips compared to other Chinese parenting advice that have made her book so popular.

A strong theme in Yin’s book is encouraging parents to listen to what their children have to say, instead of implementing rules of their own accord. As a mother herself, she believed this would allow her daughter to feel more independent and empowered.

She also advised her daughter to sometimes question if her teacher’s decisions were the best way to go. When her daughter had to copy a Chinese character multiple times as a result of having gotten it wrong on a test, Yin offered to help her daughter copy them. She said, “The most important thing is to protect a kid’s interest in learning and to avoid linking learning to something unpleasant.”

In writing her book, Yin says she was influenced by foreign authors such as Benjamin Spock’s Baby and Child Care as well as Emile by Rousseau. “From these good books one can learn how kids think, and the meaning of equality and respect,” she said.

Click here to read more about Yin Jianli and the events that led to write her book.

Photo by epSos.de of Flickr.

A Rose Is A Rose Is A Rose?

“三岁看大，七岁看老” (san sui kan da, qi sui kan lao).

This old Chinese proverb roughly translates to “at three years of age, you will see what a child will be like as they grow older; at seven years, you will see what they will be like as an adult.” A recent study conducted by UC Riverside and Oregon researchers shows that this old Chinese proverb may not just be a saying.

Forty years ago, the personalities of 2,400 elementary school children were recorded. Today, the personalities of over a hundred of these current adults were examined to be compared to their previous selves. The study showed that they remained “recognizably the same person.”

Traits looked at ranged from talkativeness and self-minimizing behavior to adaptable and impulsive characteristics. Results showed that adults who were humble and didn’t like to show off in their past, now expressed guilt and insecurity and sought reassurance from others. Adults who were not “verbally fluent” as a child, tended to ask others for advice and gave up in the face of trouble. Oppositely, those who talked a lot as a child spoke fluently as an adult, tried to control situations, showed a high degree of intelligence and honed an interest in intellectual matters.

While one indeed retains certain aspects of their personality from their childhood, I still read that their adult selves are “recognizably the same person” with a grain of salt. I believe that it is difficult to get an accurate representation of an adult’s personality for the purposes of this study, simply because of the reason that their current personality has been affected and changed by the forty years that have gone by. If one does exclude the factor of changes in personality from life experiences, they aren’t receiving a truthful account of their personality. I can only be left wondering if the conclusions from the study are too extreme.

To skeptics, researcher Christopher Nave says, “Life events still influence our behaviors, yet we must acknowledge the power of personality in understanding future behavior as well.” He adds, “One’s personality has important outcomes associated with it.”

Read in further detail about the examined traits here.

Picture by vlorush of Flickr.