Good manners can go a long way in influencing how people view you, not to mention significantly strengthen your own opinion of yourself. Today, most teens seem to have forgotten about the importance of proper etiquette and often struggle to act accordingly in certain situations. Whether it’s a symptom of social media use and increased isolation or something else, the bottom line is that younger generations are finding it harder to fit in with new groups of people, which in turn can lead to decreased levels of self-respect.

Ever since my early childhood, five key etiquette rules have been impressed upon me by the older members of my family. Rules which, looking back now, have helped me in many aspects of my everyday life.

Five Key Etiquette Rules:

1. Don’t interrupt other peoples’ conversations

One way to demonstrate respect for others is to not involve yourself in their conversations unless explicitly asked to do so. Interrupting someone else’s conversation is regarded as pretty annoying, and will definitely cause others to think less of you. By not getting involved, you’re also exercising patience, which is a key skill everyone should have.

2. Think of others as much as you do yourself

When interacting with a large group of people, it’s easy to lose sight of how each individual is feeling, or coping with the situation. An important part of maturing is acting selflessly, and the first step to doing so is thinking of others rather than just yourself.

3. Keep quiet if you have nothing notable to add

Group discussions can go on for a while, and run the risk of digressing, however, generally speaking, they should stick to a certain theme. Grinding these discussions to a halt by adding unnecessary and irrelevant bits of information paints you as irritating, despite your best intentions. Furthermore, learning to stay on track with the topic at hand can help you become a more focused individual in other aspects of your life.

4. Don’t be the only one having a good time

In large groups, there are always bound to be some people who find fitting in a bit more challenging. This is mainly down to some folks being introverts, and spending some time with them in private or helping them find comfort in the current environment can help ease them into an overwhelming social situation. Actions speak louder than words, so by actually helping those around you, you demonstrate sincere selflessness that others will, either consciously or unconsciously, respond to.

5. Act appropriately in any given situation

This may seem like a given, but to be honest, we aren’t always as mindful of it as we should be. Basically, there are different ways we should act when in certain places or in the company of certain people. Naturally, when with friends at a restaurant or at someone’s home the mood will be lighter and more carefree. Needless to say, however, on more serious occasions the atmosphere should be more professional and sober. Learning to act accordingly in any given situation will not only help you practice more self-control but will also make you seem more experienced in the process.

All of these etiquette rules have contributed to both my high self-esteem and respectability, and by following these guidelines I believe teens around the world will become better people in the long run.

KEEP READING: A Comedy of Manners: Making Sense of China’s Subtle Social Cues

Images: Unsplash

Ok, you’ve done it. You’ve got the job, the visa, the bank account, the WeChat wallet. Now, what do you have to do to deal with all that hard-earned cash? It’s tax time!

As a foreigner, do I need to pay taxes in China?

If you are a foreign citizen working full time (and legally) in China, then you should be paying taxes. However, China follows a standard withholding and reporting schedule for Individual Income Taxes, so it’s pretty likely that you don’t have to do anything at all in order to be compliant. Under this system, employers withhold taxes from their employees on a monthly basis, filing on their behalf. The deadline for annual tax reports in China is Mar 31. However, some individuals do need to file independently.

When would I need to file my own taxes?

You need to file your own tax report if you fit any of the following criteria:

1. You have more than one Chinese employer
2. You have earned income in China that was not already taxed by an employer
3. You have an annual income of RMB 120,000 or more

If you fall in any of these categories, you need to submit an Individual Income Tax form via the State Tax Administration.

How do I pay taxes?

You can pay your taxes one of three ways: via Alipay, WeChat, or your city’s tax bureau website (Chinese language only).

Do I need to file taxes on income earned outside of China?

Foreign nationals do not need to file taxes on income earned from a non-Chinese source unless they have resided in China for over five years. For more about that, click here.

What happens if I don’t file taxes?

If you are required to file your own taxes, be wary of submitting your paperwork late. If you pay late, you’re subject to a daily fine equal to 0.05 percent of your total required taxes. If you are egregious in your violation, you could be required to pay five times the total unpaid tax amount.

How can I tell if my employer is filing taxes on my behalf?

Unfortunately, you have limited avenues to investigate if your company is filing on your behalf unless your employer maintains public book-keeping records. However, you can ask the finance department of your company for additional information to help you understand if your employer is aware and responsive to tax requirements. First, ask for an invoice when you’re paid with information on tax and social security deductions. Second, follow up in advance of the Mar 31 deadline to request assistance and confirm that your taxes have been properly filed until that date.

Do I have to declare my Chinese income in my home country?

To answer this question, please review the relevant tax agencies in your home country. For Americans, the answer is yes. For American citizens, you must file taxes with the IRS regardless of if you are paying taxes in a foreign country. However, if you are considered a “bona fide resident” of a foreign country (working abroad year-round) or a “physical resident” of a foreign country (residing in a foreign country for 330 out of a 365 day period) you are eligible for the Foreign Earned Income Exclusion on any amount up to USD 103,900.

Most other countries around the world do not require you to pay taxes on any income earned if you are not considered a “tax resident.” The standard for being considered a tax resident varies, but is often defined as six months of in-country residence. If you have any doubt about your obligations, check in with the latest laws in your home country, and remember, these can change over time.

READ: Navigating the 2019 Tax Law for Foreigners in China (and How to Calculate Your Own)

Image: mecklaicpa.ca

New Rules to (Hopefully) Make the Subway More Civilized

A trip on the Beijing subway can be… interesting at times. However new regulations promise to make it a slightly more pleasant experience in the summer heat. Eating, lying down, and playing loud music without headphones have all, thankfully, been outlawed. Selling or marketing on the subway has also been forbidden, which should put a stop to all those people asking you to scan their QR codes. Offenders will lose social credit, and eventually this can lead to them being banned from using the network, unless they recover their status by volunteering for the subway. We applaud any move to make traveling around Beijing more civilized; it just remains to be seen whether the new rules are actually enforced…

New Toy Store Puts Magic Back in Shopping

Parents across Beijing will be getting ready for an assault on their wallets, now that iconic toy store FAO Schwarz has now opened its doors at the China World Center Mall in Guomao. The new store, even larger than the original in New York, aims to bring the magic back to toy shopping. “FAO Schwarz is focused on creating a theatrical experience, where there will be many demonstrators to interact with children and parents in store,” the company’s Chinese partner said. With 2,600 sqm of teddy bears, robots, dolls, cars, and Lego, there’s something for everyone… and for the child who truly has everything, there’s a USD 25,000 crystal-studded miniature Mercedes Benz.

A Season of Change… and a New Career for You?

Summer is always a season of change in Beijing, as it’s the time when many families leave and arrive. If you’re heading off to new adventures, then we wish you the very best of luck, and hope your time in this city has been a productive and fulfilling one. If you’ve just arrived – welcome! Whether you’re here for the long haul, or just for a couple of years, you’ll find this an exciting, unique, and sometimes challenging place to live. But we at beijingkids are always here to help, whether it’s finding the new fun places to play, or guiding you through the difficult days. You can find us at events or contact us on WeChat, and we’re always delighted to answer your questions or share your stories. With the brilliantly talented Niicole Bonnah stepping up to take over as Deputy Managing Editor, we need new writers too, so if you’ve got a flair for writing and a zest for Beijing, get in touch – you could become part of the team!

This article appeared in the beijingkids June 2019 Home & Relocation Guide issue.

Photos: Fang Yifei, Uni You, the Beijinger

A few days ago, I opened up a WeChat message to see one of the most heartwarming of all things to see; a photo of a newborn. A friend of the family had just given birth to a beautiful baby boy. I too not long ago became a first-time parent, and so the usual questions ensued: What’s his name? How was the birth? How are you feeling? Do you need anything?

Naturally, one of the first things that may cross your mind when a friend or family member has welcomed a new addition to their clan is when you can arrange a time to meet the little one. You are naturally excited to meet the long-awaited newborn but slow your roll! There are a few things we should all bear in mind, so you will be welcome to visit once again.

These eight crucial rules for visiting a newborn were all very important to me when my boy first arrived, and thankfully, I didn’t have to repeat or remind anyone about the expected etiquette. Read these to make sure no one has to remind you!

Do not come unannounced

Ok. This needs to be stressed. For the first few days and even weeks after my baby was born, I was walking around bare-chested with Lux hanging from one boob while a pump hung from the other. You’ve lost all notion of what it is to get dressed in the morning, house chores are last on the agenda, bags have begun to take permanent residence under your eyes as you’ve not slept a wink, and the only person you can just about face is the little human that’s waiting to be lavishly doted on.

Please for the love of God don’t turn up unannounced to the home of parents who are taking time to adjust to baby finally being home. Don’t stress the new parents by visiting without first calling ahead to make arrangements, or better still, wait to be invited.

Be mindful of germs

Disinfectant was placed in every room in our apartment when our baby boy arrived. I had hand sanitizers in every bag, and a bottle of Dettol hand cleanser was placed by every sink and faucet.  New moms are always extra careful when it comes to their newborns, and we are very sensitive about protecting our little ones from unnecessary exposure to disease or infection. Avoid visiting if you are sick or have been around someone who is. Unless given permission to do so, do not bring the kids, even if healthy as they may expose a newborn to germs. As soon as you arrive please take off your shoes and ask where the washroom is. Wash your hands and then by all means ask if you can have a cuddle with the baby.

Bring snacks, food, drinks, or a simple token

New parents are way too busy to cook, so it’s highly recommended that you bring along something that’s ready for consumption or something that can be heated up for later. If you are feeling adventurous and have the skill, bring a bag of ingredients so that you can cook the extremely tired family a simple meal. Snacks were always welcome in my home (the salty and sweet kind). Bring goodies for the parents to rummage through. Trust me, it will feel like Christmas. I was breastfeeding, so if you’re aware that this is the situation, in solidarity, try not to bring over alcohol to share with daddy, and instead opt for a fancy soft drink that momma can pour into a wine glass. Chin, Chin!

Offer to help if you can

If you’re not already aware, a visit to the home of a new mom is an awesome opportunity to ask if she needs any help. If confident enough, why not let mom catch up on some sleep and you take over baby duties while she has a quick catnap. It’s likely that she hasn’t slept through the night since bringing baby home. Alternatively, small gestures, like washing the dishes, looking after the little one while mom gets on with something of her choice, or tidying up the house, will be much appreciated. Always ask permission first, and depending on the mom, she may just want you to stick the kettle on and pass her the TV remote!

 Visit only if it’s convenient for the parents

Showing up announced is different to trying to arrange a visit during your free time. Be flexible and willing to adjust your visiting schedule if the parents request so. Be extra sensitive to the whirlwind schedule that has become life for new parents. If they tell you that you can’t visit on a specific day that doesn’t mean they don’t want you to visit at all. Respect their wishes and put their schedule first. This is a good rule for moving forward in general. When kids come along, schedules get manic. Work with the changing tides. Work with mom and dad!

Do not overstay

I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been good with awkward over stayer’s at the best of times, never mind when your body has just gone through the most strenuous of experiences you will ever encounter, and you’re physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted. A new parent can just about handle the company of a visitor for no more than an hour. Unless asked to stay longer, avoid wearing out your welcome. Your visit is a lovely gesture and is appreciated, however, the parents are getting themselves and baby into a new routine. They may want to put baby down or have some extra quiet time alone.

Do not comment on the mom’s physical appearance

A new mom may have gained weight after giving birth. We women are already under microscopic societal scrutiny and an immense amount of pressure when it comes to our weight and other prescribed beauty standards. This can be compounded during and after pregnancy. Keep your opinions to yourself, and if you don’t have anything nice and reassuring to say, don’t say anything at all.

Do not comment on the chosen name for baby

Many parents wrestle for months when trying to come up with the perfect name for their unborn child. In some cases, the naming of a child has been a source of great concern even before conception! Parents may have toyed with an idea for a name for an extended period of time, argued over, and vetoed suggestions, so the last thing they need is for anyone to offer their unwelcome negative two-cents about their baby’s name. Quite frankly it’s not your business and could be anything from a beloved name from a member of the family, living or deceased, to a name that represents a significant place or time. Again, if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.

Here’s to all the little newborns out there and better visiting etiquette!

Photos: Nicole Bonnah

In an effort to further clean up the Beijing Subway, authorities are now imposing several new regulations that aim to crack down on “uncivilized” behavior.

The new regulations, which came into force on Wednesday, target behavior such as entering the subway without a ticket, occupying multiple seats, eating on the train (unless you’re an infant), and selling products or engaging in marketing activities, according to a document published by the Beijing Municipal Commission of Transport.

Certain regulations that first came into effect in 2016 have also been updated and now not only include restrictions on smoking but also a ban on the use of e-cigarettes, using folding bikes or hoverboards, lying down, playing loud music, loitering, and taking advantage of the sweet sweet air conditioning (it will be interesting to see how they determine that one). Additionally, people who refuse security checks will be unable to enter the subway, according to China Daily.

Anyone caught lounging or ducking gates will be docked personal social credit points, which may result in the individual being banned from public transport and even prohibited from flying or taking trains. Luckily, perpetrators can earn back the state’s trust by devoting volunteering hours to the very service they sullied: the Beijing Subway! Fun.

For us foreigners, there’s still no word on how infringements will affect our score, or if we even have one at all. Either way, many are too busy dodging the police on our unregistered scooters above ground to be concerned with what’s happening down below.

Image: Weibo

Now my father taught me well: never sign anything you have not read. This piece of advice went out of the window the moment I arrived in Beijing. Some documents presented to you will be in Chinese, and they will need a signature or stamp… and I have been burned very hard over this on two separate occasions. Now I hear you think, you signed another document you couldn’t read after the first time that it went wrong? Yes I did, but you get to hear both fun stories, and hopefully not make the same mistake.

The first time was six months after I arrived, and we were waiting for our shipment to clear. The shipment broker came to our new humble home and declared I had to sign this paper in order to get my shipment. At that point, we had already waited for eight months to receive our things. I blogged about this before; we were taxed on every single item since we moved things in my name. They had already opened every box and valued our possessions at far more than we paid for them.

But I left a funny fact out: the broker had a Chinese document to sign. I refused at first, as I could not read it. Under pressure he explained that the document said:

I confirm these are my belongings and I would like to receive them

Seemed fair, so under pressure of wanting our belongings, I signed. He had lied to me. The document said this instead;

I confirm these are my belongings and I promise to pay the tax valued by the government.

Being lied to happens sometimes for the sake of convenience, but I did not know this at the time. RMB 30,000 paid out of our own pocket, but at least we had all our belongings.

The second time was not so long ago. We changed schools and had to sign a contract. Funnily enough, this International kindergarten did not have an English contract. I refused to sign, but of course under pressure from the administrator I budged.

Other international parents have signed this too, it’s OK!

I never thought this would hurt me, but in the end, of course, it did. At one point a dispute about payment arose, over whether the school should be paid when my daughter only went to school four days of the month. I did not agree with the answer given by the school and got quite irritated. They informed me the rules were clear in the contract that I’d signed – the contract which was completely in Chinese, so I couldn’t read it. I was furious, firstly with myself for falling for this cruel trick for the second time. And secondly with the international school that is supposed to give parents great service, especially if you pay RMB 12,000 a month tuition.

The rules of payment are clearly explained in the contract you signed.

Lesson learned. Don’t sign Chinese documents… unless you can read Chinese, that is.

I don’t take the train very often, but this year I will be joining my kids in Shandong province for a week of the CNY holidays. Train tickets for our ideal dates were sold out ages ago, so the kids had to leave with their grandparents a whole week earlier than my work schedule would allow. This left the problem of a single train ticket for me, just before NYE. I then came up upon an issue of needing to “验证” or “verify” my identity with the train station as a result of being a foreign passport holder.

This has happened before. I had to go down to the station with my passport in hand in order to pick up the actual ticket rather than being able to get it at my local little train ticket window down the street. I assumed that I had solved the problem that time, that it had been “verified” adequately.

So, when WeChat added a third-party purchase option in the wallet section, I easily purchased a ticket. Within twelve hours it had been refunded. Confused, I purchased another. Then I received another refund. I was starting to panic that I wouldn’t secure a seat to be reunited with my kids!

It turns out that registering with the 12306.cn website is key. All I needed to do (and what they’d failed to tell me to do before I sat on hold for ages and finally got a representative at the China rail company to speak to me) was register an account and then wait for 24 hours before I could purchase a ticket online. The next step is presenting your passport at the train station for the requisite verification—something that only needs to happen one time—but without the registration (注册) at the website, no matter how many times you go down to pick up a ticket directly, your passport won’t be properly verified. What a headache!
 

Finally, wary of the WeChat option, I resorted to downloading the 12306 app (pic above) and purchased my train ticket directly through this app, happily scoring a cheaper price than I had originally found for February 7—the final hour before the new year (when there were still some tickets available!). I didn’t receive a refund so I appear to be in the clear. When I pick the ticket up on February 7, I’ll just have to be sure to stress that my passport is finally verified once and for all!

Then it’s easy train ticket purchases from here on out!

Fingers crossed!

Photos: Ember Swift

My mum used to have two rules in the house when we were growing up, rule number one, mum is always right and rule number two, refer to rule number one. Parenting is unique, in that your rules may not apply to all other households. Enter the conundrum, when there is playdate and are not sure how to handle the situation. Modern-day technology has changed the ones so simple playdate rules. Here are some guidelines to aid in some common situations via parenting.com.  

The Sitch: Your child’s old enough to stay home briefly, and often does. But is it okay to leave her and her playmate home while you dash to the dry cleaner?

The Solution: Take the kids with you, or save your errand for another time, says Ava Parnass, a child and family psychotherapist in New York City. “The other parent expects you to be there and be in charge,” she says. “You want to make sure that no one’s feelings get too hurt if there’s a squabble.”

There are also safety considerations— among them, a pal might not be as familiar with your home’s setup as your own child is. Risa Miller*, of Fanwood, NJ, is still feeling guilty because while she was in the backyard, her daughter’s 9-year-old pal decided to microwave some mac and cheese. “She reassured my daughter that she cooked all the time at her home. But our microwave is higher up than at her house, so it’s trickier to reach. The girl spilled hot pasta on her wrist and ended up with a burn that required three visits to the doctor.”

The Sitch: Your daughter’s playmate whips out her cell and starts texting other friends while your kid twiddles her thumbs.

The Solution: “Simply say ‘Jane, since you’re here on a playdate, you guys are going to play,’ ” recommends Tina Paone, Ph.D., a play therapist, mother of three, and founder of Counseling Center at Heritage, in Montgomeryville, PA. As for complaining to the friend’s mom later, “I wouldn’t, if the child quickly put the phone away,” says Lisa Gaché, founder of Beverly Hills Manners, in California. “But if it happens on her next visit, then at pickup, you could say to her mom, with a smile, ‘Maybe next time the girls can find an activity that doesn’t involve them being on the phone.’ ”

The Sitch: You feel pressured to serve only ultra-healthy foods on playdates, even though your kid prefers potato chips.

The Solution: Aim for a balance, like Joan Schwartz* of Scarsdale, NY, does when her 11-year-old daughter, Hannah, has a friend over. “I first put out something healthy, like cut-up fruit, and tell the girls they can have chips after they’ve finished that,” she says. “The other mom will know I tried to get something nutritious in them, and sometimes the kids are so full after the healthy snack that they don’t ask for anything else.”

The Sitch: You have strict TV limits at home. Is it OK to ask other parents not to allow the kids to veg out in front of the tube or video-game screen?

The Solution: Either turn down playdates at houses where the TV always seems to be on or—more sensibly— keep your lip zipped and let your child go. “If you make a request about the television, it will sound judgmental,” says Paone. “Besides, it’s not like you’re sending your kid over there every day, and part of letting him grow up a little is releasing some control.” If you really object, rather than saying so outright, you can hint around, like Sandra Pierce* of New York City does. “I’ll say something beforehand to the mom about how nice it is outside and how my sons really love to play football in the yard,” she confesses. Or offer to host at your place, as Phil Corwin of Bellmore, NY, does. “I can’t dictate to other parents, but I can make them happy. Most parents are more than happy to dump their kid at your place.” Well said, Dad!

The Sitch: Your 12-year old loves to play Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare on his Xbox. You’re OK with it (you blasted plenty of Space Invaders as a tween) but you’re nervous about letting his pals play, since it’s rated Mature and contains violence. (Fun violence, but violence.)

The Solution: Find out if the guest has the game himself. If he does, problem solved. If not, ask what his family rules are and make your decision based on that. You can always edit your kid’s video titles the night before the playdate. That way, your child won’t lose face when Mom heeds her own Call of Duty and confiscates the game in front of his friend. Explain why you’re doing it, so he (hopefully) understands.

The Sitch: A family has invited your child to go to a Justin Bieber concert with their kid. Should you pay for your kid’s ticket?

The Solution: If you can, offer the money, says Gaché. “Do it with a big smile and say ‘Thank you so much!’ so they’re not offended and think you’re doing it because you’re worried they can’t afford it,” she adds. They may insist they’re treating, and that’s fine. If things are tight at your house, send what you can and be sure to help your kid write a thank-you note later on. Try to host as soon as you can, too. Sharon Webb of Palm Springs, FL, told us on Facebook that when another mom treated her son to two Disney events in two days, she watched all her kids in return. We’re sure her son’s mom appreciated the reciprocity (and rest!).

Sourced from parenting.com

Photos by peterme and loiclemeur (Flickr)

The rules can seem endless sometimes. Ganbei with your glass lower than your host’s, never stick your chop sticks into your rice, leave a little bit of food on your plate: China has its own way of doing things, and of course, it’s only right to respect this by following suit.

But what about some of ‘less cherished’ cultural customs? Should we be expected to cut in line, not give pedestrians the right of way, and treat waiters as nameless servants? Certainly not. But the question of etiquette then becomes: is it proper to try and correct behavior that we perceive as rude?

I ask this because I do call people out on these things. I can’t discern whether my ethical stance is having a good affect on China and the local’s image of foreigners. Does my calling someone rude for cutting in line help in any way? Does telling a person that it’s rude of them to run in front of me for the taxi I hailed make me a sore loser? Does my slowing pace in front of a car who’s trying to honk its way through the pedestrian crossing make me a jerk? Most importantly: do these acts help to make Beijing any more copacetic when you’re a foreigner telling locals what to do?

This is the cultural-custom gray zone, and I really wish someone would write an etiquette guide concerning  these finer points.

The reason I started thinking about this is the latest etiquette guide in the China Daily (excerpt below).

Although this is very useful information, I don’t know whether to feel bad about calling that lady a ‘silly girl’ when she stole my cab.

Addressing Peers

When addressing someone for any reason, it is expected that you address them with their official title. If they hold a position, such as ‘General’, then refer to them as that. If they do not, however, or if you are unaware of their position, you should refer to them as Mr./Mrs./Ms plus their last name. Don’t call them by their first name unless invited to do so.

How to Act

Every culture has its rules on how you are to act, and China is no different. In China, to greet someone, you nod your head, or you bow slightly. Handshakes are also common, but you should wait for your Chinese partner to initiate the motion.

Don’t Touch

This is common in many Asian countries, and is the direct opposite of those found in Western society. Chinese people do not enjoy being touched by strangers. Don’t touch someone unless you absolutely have to.

Respect the Elders

As a Confucian rules, the elders are to be respected in every situation by those who are younger. You should always acknowledge the elder in a group first, and show the most respect to that person.

Keep Your Hands out of Your Mouth

Putting your hands in your mouth is considered to be vulgar in Chinese culture, and should not be done. This includes biting your nails.