China, a sexually repressed society where any utterance of the three-letter word will be seen as sordid and dishonorable, where all are expected to remain pure until the marriage bed…is what people might have said some 50 years ago.

The concept of sex to my generation has significantly transformed and adapted along with the rest of society’s immense reforms, a point that some antiquated education curriculums and parents have been rather oblivious to.

Growing up, I noticed a gaping dissonance in attitudes towards sex and other equally taboo topics within my different circles of friends. These differences came in various forms but seemed to be aligned with race and sexuality. In 4th grade, some male friends openly wondered about sex. In 5th grade, some classmates began joking about genitals. By the end of middle school, some had already experimented with varying degrees of intimacy. I also noticed conflicting attitudes from parents, with some parents still demanding their children close their eyes during a make-out scene on screen, while others handed out condoms to their kids.

The point is, our generation is one that is more sexually emancipated, and our education and attitudes (from parents especially) need to start catching up.

I recall that I was only given one unit of sex education, which was conveniently lumped under the umbrella of science. Topics included fertilization, signs of puberty, the menstrual cycle, and reproduction. Although many parents and teachers were and remain content with such a simple biological and factual approach, I noticed that none of the information was applicable to real life. It disregarded, in my opinion, more important topics.

Using the menstrual cycle as an example, we weren’t given any provisions, as young girls, on the signs of menarche, dietary needs during your period, ways to deal with period cramps, and the duration of a healthy period, not to mention the choice for different products and how to use pads or tampons (the latter of which is a nerve-wracking concept to many girls). In addition to that, on the topic of sex, we were never encouraged to have our own opinions on it, we were never told the importance of consent, contraception, or warned of accidental pregnancies. Although the last is less likely and teen pregnancies have largely been on the decline, the possibility of it, the responsibility, and damage that accompanies it should not be brushed aside. We weren’t even told a safe age or legal age to begin having sex, how our bodies may react during and after it, or the possible consequences of adolescent sex.

Going back to being more sexually emancipated, some fail to recognize how sex has evolved from the generic, penetrative act between a man and a woman. For many students who identify as part of the LGBTQIA+ community, normal sex-ed may not be enough, and research has shown that there has been an increase in sexually transmitted infections between LGBTIA+ students, possibly due to a lack of nationally standardized sex education that is inclusive of niche groups. Furthermore, sex has grown to take the form of more than penetration. Oral sex, anal sex, and kinks have become more popularized (whether we like it or not). These should all be referred to, to ensure a more holistic, informative, and comprehensive curriculum. I understand that it may be uncomfortable for a variety of reasons, but their existence is undeniable, and leaving our students uneducated on such topics could lead to dire consequences.

I get it, sex is a taboo, discomfiting topic that many are uncomfortable talking about, however, what’s more worrying is if we simply let students continuously be misinformed and uneducated on the topic, left to rely on what their parents are willing, or unwilling to inform them of.

Also, I do recognize that some schools offer great sex-education courses, and this article at its core isn’t meant to bash any specific school, but rather use this opportunity to address and bring attention to an all-encompassing issue that could otherwise be awkward to discuss.

KEEP READING: Why No Sex With Students is a Good Thing

Images: Unsplash

Psychologically safe sex means preserving one’s emotional, mental, and physical safety regarding sexual activity. Traditional sex education is designed to reduce teen pregnancies, decrease the risk of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), and abortions. This article intends to give young adults and their parents a more practical guide to talk about the Five W’s (What, Who, Where, When, and Why) of psychologically safe sex.

1. The first W (What) is about consent. If you have not talked as a family about the ex-Stanford swimmer’s rape of an unconscious woman, Google it and talk to your son or daughter about it.Consent should be the basis for every sexual encounter. Engaging in a sexual act without the other person’s consent is considered sexual assault or rape. Consent means that both people in a sexual encounter must agree to it, and either person may decide at any time that they no longer consent and can stop the activity. Consenting once or getting to “second base” doesn’t give anyone the green light to go all the way. It should always go both ways especially if you want to try something a bit more adventurous like using dildos available from the store or any roleplay. You must be able to answer two questions to give consent: Does the person want to give consent? Is the person capable of giving consent? The easiest way to determine if a person wants to give consent is simply to ask. This eliminates the uncertainty of guessing and trying to interpret signals.
2. The second W (Who) might seem obvious, but to feel emotionally safe with intercourse the Who is someone you know well and care deeply about. Feeling psychologically safe about who you make love with is important. If you are upset about a breakup or in an emotionally vulnerable state, having another person show interest in you could feel validating, but breakup sex can be confusing and make you feel worse.
3. The third W (Where) is about feeling comfortable with the location. For some couples the Where is a thrill, for others having a private and safe environment can make the moment just right. The psychologically safest Where is a location both parties agree to and is someplace you won’t regret later.
4. When (at what age) to initiate sex is a decision based on family values, but also can be a legal matter. Age of consent laws (the age a person is considered legally competent to consent to sexual acts) vary widely across the globe. South Korea, for example, defines the age of consent at 13; China 14; Hong Kong, Taiwan, and Canada 16. Thirty-one U.S. states define the age of consent as 16, eight states (including New York) at 17, and twelve states (including California) set the age of consent at 18.Having sex with someone under the age of consent is legally considered a crime called statutory rape, even if the person under the age of consent says that she or he wanted the sexual behavior to take place. Let’s say a parent doesn’t like their daughter’s partner and finds out she has been sexually active, the parent may pursue legal charges against the partner even if the daughter consented. Sorry to let the air out of your sexual balloon (pun intended), but if you make sure there is not a legal cloud hanging over you, then the When will feel safe.
5. Lastly, the Why is because you are in a committed relationship, emotionally you are both on the same page, you care deeply about your partner, and you both have agreed to share your affection in a physical way. As a couple if you agree on the five Ws, then perhaps making love is psychologically safe.

Consent vs. Non-consent

YES
“Yes, I really want to. Thanks for asking!”

NO
“No.” “Maybe.”
“I don’t know.”
“I’m tired.”
“Let me think about it.”
Silence
Freezing up
Shaking head
Crying
Pulling Away

Photos courtesy of Mark Sebastian (Flickr)

 This article originally appeared on page 26-27 of beijingkids 2017 February Issue. Download the digital version here.