Sure, when they first started school there were a few tears (for both of you), but now your little one happily skips into class every day with barely a backward glance and is full of exciting stories about the day’s adventures when you pick them up. So why is it that all of a sudden, camp is causing separation anxiety?

The simple truth? Camp can be scary. Especially for young children, the change in routine, coupled with a new environment, teachers, and friends can be overwhelming. And whether they are acclimated in Beijing or new to the hood, one more change could be all it takes to cause anxiety. So even for the most confident expat child, separation anxiety can rear its ugly head when summer camp comes around. But there are a few simple things you can do to help your child relax and move past this phase, all but assuring that they have a positive, happy camp experience, and you can have a few guilt-free summer hours to enjoy some quiet time in Beijing.

Talk excitedly about camp: A few weeks ahead of the camp’s start date, talk about all the fun things they are going to do. Show them pictures online. If you can get photos of the counselors and their names beforehand, even better. We’ve profiled over 40 summer camps on our website with all the essential information you’ll need to set the expectation that camp is really fun and you are excited for them to go.

Elicit their feelings: Pose questions to them such as, “How are you feeling about camp?” once in a while. A quick check-in will give them an opportunity to share and will let you know if you need additional tools to combat anxiety or if they are in a good place. Try and avoid statements like, “I know you will be nervous…” as that can implant the idea that they should be nervous.

Countdown calendar: The week before camp, have them cross off the days on the calendar before bed. When children know what is coming, they feel more secure and have time to process their feelings. It also gives them a chance to build some positive anticipation.

Books to read: I suggest two books to add to the pre-camp reading list if your child is struggling with separation: “Llama, Llama Misses Mama” by Anna Dewdney, and “The Kissing Hand” by Audrey Penn. Young children can relate to the stories and it will give you an easy way to help them play out the sequence of events that are drop-off, camp, and pick-up. Just knowing there will be a reunion at the end of the day can help our littlest ones enjoy camp more.

Small replaceable tokens: If a child is very nervous, give them a small token: something replaceable and of no monetary value, that they can easily keep in their pocket. Try and avoid bulky toys or items with a lot of sentimental value. If the blanket that Great-Grandma knitted gets lost or has paint spilled on it, you won’t be happy.

Believe it or not, the most effective token I ever saw was a parent’s business card. Each day at drop-off, the dad would hand his son his business card and the child would slip it into his pocket. If he got nervous or missed his dad during the day, he would take out the card, give it a kiss, and put it back into his pocket. It was a simple reminder that his parents loved him and were coming back.

Drop-off ritual: Decide on one ahead of time and tell your child what will happen. “I will take you to the door, you will give me a hug and a kiss. Then you will high-five your counselor and go inside.” Keep goodbyes short. The longer you drag it out the longer they will stay in this sad moment instead of moving on to the fun times at camp. No matter how much they ask for one more hug, another drink of water, or any other tear-at-your-heart tactic they can come up with, simply give them a hug and a kiss and go.

Know that there will be some days that are harder to separate than others, and that’s normal. Be consistent and as your child becomes more comfortable, the good days will outweigh the bad. There is no timeline. It could happen immediately, or it might take several weeks to have a tear-free goodbye, but it will happen. One final thought – it’s camp and it’s supposed to be fun. So, if this seems like too much for your child, don’t push. There will be other summers for structured play and they can spend this one with you or ayi happily exploring this amazing city.

KEEP READING: Hear Ye, Hear Ye! Take a Look at the Jingkids Summer Camp Index

Images: Pexels

This article appeared in the jingkids 2021 May issue

Some parenting advice stays with you. I heard stories of separation anxiety long before we encountered it. This one piece of advice made a lot of sense and stuck in the back of my mind for when that day came: The more you linger, the worse it will be.

We didn’t have that problem on my oldest child’s first day of summer camp because he was all excited and just beaming in his new camp shirt. Then came the second day of camp, when he fought me every step of the way, from the car seat to the classroom. That happened one more time before we found a different camp that he just adored, but I’ve heard stories of and witnessed kids who just don’t want to be separated from their parents for school, whether that be the first week, random days or an entire year. Sometimes it gets better and sometimes it doesn’t.

Since last year unexpectedly gave families even more together time, I kept wondering if the start of the school year would be harder on kids. So I asked Rachel George, Head of Student Support at Yew Chung International School of Beijing (YCIS), if she could offer any tips for parents. Even if your kids aren’t showing signs of anxiety now, it could pop up the further into the year we go. I plan to implement some of her ideas around coping mechanisms right away!

Rachel George is Head of Student Support at YCIS.

It’s finally here! The first day of school is met with anxious excitement. This year is no different; except this year, we have been together more often than we have been apart. Through social distancing and quarantining, our family unit has been our comfort space. Leaving that space may mean anxiety of a different nature: separation anxiety. Although mainly seen in children younger than 12, it is normal for all of us to feel a little nervous about leaving our new normal and transitioning back into old routines. Even our beloved pets may feel the blues! 

Children look to us as adults to determine how to think and feel. Start by working through your own concerns first. Do you have additional questions about safety measures at school? Would you like to know what may happen if a child falls ill? Getting answers to any lingering questions you may have will allow you to work from a clear headspace when you discuss back to school concerns with your child. Once you are settled, choose a proper time to chat. I think car rides, or on walks are a perfect time! Most importantly, choose a time where neither you nor your child are feeling rushed or hurried. For younger students, introducing the topic with a story at bedtime is a good way to open conversations. Some of my favorites are Ruby Finds a Worry by Tom Percival or Wemberly Worried by Kevin Henkes. Both books introduce the concept of worry and highlight ways to seek support when needed. There are excellent videos where these books are read aloud. Watch them first, and determine stop points for conversation!

Ruby learns that talking about problems is the best way to handle them.

Learn the new rules and structures in place at your child’s school and plan ahead. Most schools have posted pictures of what campus looks like, and routines for entering school (temperature checks, mask wearing, etc). What do these new routines look like, feel like, sound like? The more front-loading you do, the less anxious your child may be. Remember, stress emanates from a loss of control. Once our children have a sense of knowing what to expect, they will feel empowered!

If you began the school year virtually, make a list, detailing what went well during e-learning and what we can improve. Could there be more structure? Do we need to re-think the working space? Start making small changes now,

Open the lines of communication through these techniques:

Use a “worry jar.” This is a place where your child writes or draws worries about returning back to school and places them in the jar. This helps two fold: it allows your child the time to process their emotions, taking them out of their head and writing them on paper, makes the emotion tangible and something they can see. It also assists with building problem solving, an executive functioning skill, which is critical to academic success. 

Add your worries here.

Once you see worries in the jar, choose a specific day of the week to discuss, maybe Tuesdays can be Talk about it Tuesday, or Worry No More, Wednesday! Take one worry from the jar and create a plan together! 

Create a list of best case and worst case scenarios. Work together on developing a growth mindset for the tricky situations. Begin building up their positive self talk. Think of difficult situations they have conquered in the past: learning how to ride a bike, or how to skate. Remind them that they can do hard things. Tap into their resilience. You can even make a chart of all the mini success they have had so far and place them above their mirror. I am a huge believer in positive affirmations. The most important thing to do is listen. Restrain yourself from wanting to comfort them by saying “It’s OK.” “Don’t worry about that.” Although these comments are from a loving place, they do not allow your child to speak freely. Encourage them that their feelings are normal and valid.

Provide comfort. Adding little notes to their lunch box, or inside of a notebook is a sweet reminder that even though you are not together- you are thinking of them and know how strong they are. You can even put positive messages on the mirror in the bathroom for them to see in the morning when they are getting dressed, or brushing their teeth. Our minds replay thoughts, especially when we are stressed! Let’s make sure the thoughts our children have are positive ones! 

Remain consistent. Make drop off less stressful by encouraging your child that there are supportive people at school that care about them. Help your child determine their school support network, so they know there people at school they can talk to if they feel anxious. This could be their teacher, the counselor, even a close friend. When you drop them off, give them a few positive words, a hug, and/or a kiss – then leave. This is the hardest part for us as parents; however, staying around too long after drop off will show your child that you are hesitating, which will make them wonder. Be straightforward and consistent, reminding them of when you will be back to pick them up, or when you will see them after school. 

Create a coping toolbox. Coping skills are those tools we all can use when we face a stressful situation. Begin by teaching your child about their emotions and helping them to recognize the physical changes that happen when they get anxious. For example, does their face get hot, or their hands tingly? Teach them that their emotions are like signals, ways for their body to communicate with them so they may need to re-center and take charge of their bodies. I like to call it our super power! Speak with them about how amazing and powerful their brains are, and that this special super power tells them when to enlist their coping skills. 

Just writing coping mechanisms down helps us remember them.

Make a list of what helps. When your child is in a calm state, ask them what helps them relax, calm down, or feel good? Have them make a list. You may see things like drawing, reading, deep breathing or grounding exercises. Together, determine which ones of these they could utilize at school. I particularly like the grounding exercise, which can be done anywhere. Take time to notice/focus on things that align with your senses, and choose one thing you can see, smell, hear, taste, and feel. Grounding helps our brains focus on the moment, being mindful of what is happening presently, and assists with alleviating anxiety. Perhaps your child may need to take a break for water, or a short walk around the learning space. These are great too! You can even write them down on the first page of your child’s notebook or planner: When I feel ____, I can_____.  For example, when I feel frustrated, I can ask to get water. That way, they have a handy checklist of what to do! Once you have determined a few handy tools, communicate these with your child’s classroom teacher. 

Remember to be patient and honest with yourself and your child. There are many unknowns as we begin the school year, and it is OK not to have all of the answers. Remain positive and supportive, and above all remind them that whatever challenges may come, you will get through them…together!

KEEP READING: How to Prep Your Kids for Their New Normal at School

Photos: Amazon, Unsplash, Pexels

Now that school is back in session, many kindergarten gates are filled once again with tearful parent/child pairs that struggle to find a way to start the day as children long for the comfort of their parent and home. While there is usually a great deal of talk and information about how to help children deal with this situation, there is less regarding the parents themselves, and helping parents break down their own anxiety is a big part of the work towards happy send – offs. Here are three tips for parents to work on their own separation issues.

1. Find a listening partner. Research has shown that having adult friends to talk with and share deep emotions and struggles with is one of the best ways to deal with anxiety and stress. When we talk with friends with whom we can really open up, we often stumble on old emotional pain that can be released or find solutions to problems that had not previously been clear. And don’t be afraid to talk about your fears and anxiety lots of times. In one study, researchers found that it takes an average of retelling the same story fourteen times for it to be resolved internally. It’s not whining, it’s taking care of our needs.

2. Acknowledge the past, be in the present. Often our struggles with separation today come from painful memories. A past miscarriage, lost love, or memories from our own childhood can trigger emotional responses in the present situation. Sometimes we try to fill the gaps from past experiences by overcompensating in the present. Part of the process of healing those wounds is to acknowledge them, to accept that those things were painful, and to clearly see that the present situation is not the same.

3. At drop – off time, leave quickly. Many parents struggle with this one very important action. Children should have ample opportunities to talk with their parents about their feelings, to hug, and be comforted. However, when you are fully finished giving that attention, it’s very important to stick with the routine and go. When parents linger around, doubling back to give one more hug or kiss, it actually prolongs the process of easing separation anxiety. The child gets the message that if they cry more loudly they will get their parent to return. This can cause much more pain in the end. Trust your decision in caregivers. Be firm in maintaining a steady and stable routine. Take a deep breath, tell yourself they will be ok, and get yourself on to the day as quickly as possible. For most young children (and parents) separation anxiety should only last a few weeks if this routine is kept.

Photo: mcleancounselingcenter.com

Flickr photo published under the Creative Commons licensed content (actual blogger not pictured).