Whether you are a seasoned veteran expat or as fresh in the ‘Jing as this season’s mozzies, we can all agree that living in Beijing is a colorful, surprising, and exciting experience. No matter how much research you have done in advance, we have all encountered cultural differences that blew us away, and the differences between our child-rearing ways are no different.

If you plan on having babies, have babies, or even if you don’t, here are some of our favorite (and not-so-favorite) cultural occurrences when it comes to little ones to look out for during your time in Beijing!

Bummed OUT!

Quite literally, in fact. It is not uncommon to see babies or toddlers running around wearing split pants (开裆裤 kāidāngkù), which, if you haven’t seen them yet, are pants with an open crotch, more often than not without any diapers! So, yes, you have a little baby bum wiggling about in public. And while my first split-pants sighting made me do a double-take, the Chinese (especially grandparents) have quite logical reasons for this practice. Besides saving on the costs and waste of diapers, an air-dried bum prevents diaper rash, especially during the hot summer months, and they believe it encourages early potty training by getting the baby used to squatting and doing their business, not in a diaper. Consequently, this also means that it is completely normal for someone to hold their baby in a squatting position over a trash can, drain, or bush while they go potty.

As this practice is so different from the culture of most expats in Beijing, people come across this and react in all kinds of ways. Some have called it unsanitary and unsafe; others applaud the frugality and sustainability. I have even experienced foreigners joining in on the bare-butt action with their own babies! What do you think? Yay or nay?

Locked In!

Giving birth is such a monumental moment that, of course, there are a multitude of practices around this milestone all over the globe. While the Huichol in Mexico have the woman tug on a rope tied to her partner’s testicles with every contraction, and some people dressed as devils jump over infants in Spain to absorb original sin and protect the babies from evil or sickness, in China they have the confinement month or 坐月子 (zuòyuèzi). This means that the new mom is not allowed to go outside, bathe or shower (although those things are less common now that there is AC and blow dryers), eat or interact with anything cold, and will often hire a confinement nurse (or yuesao) to help take care of her and the baby. For those who don’t want to hire a confinement nurse but still want to do a traditional confinement month, there are confinement centers 月子中心 (yuèzi zhōngxīn) that offer the same service, but you get your own private hotel-like suite where you can rest and a nurse is always on call to help take care of your newborn.

Expat moms often suffer at the hands of this practice, as Chinese locals will sometimes criticize, lecture, or even scold them when they do something considered a “no-no” during the confinement month. I have been hit on the shoulder before by an old lady for being outside with my baby within the first month, while other moms have been told by their ayis or Chinese in-laws to immediately cease their showering ways. Of course, eating an ice cream is completely out of the question! (Though that is a rule I will be breaking repeatedly after giving birth this summer, for sure!) While some of the customs might seem annoying or unnecessary, there are also perks! If you registered your birth at the local clinic in order to get the free vaccines and check-ups for your baby (available to absolutely any pregnant mom), then you will also benefit from two medical professionals – one for you and one for your baby – coming to your home for a check-up.

Since moms are expected to remain in pajamas and not do any physical activity during confinement month, you don’t even have to get dressed! They will come and see that everything is progressing normally, ask you a few questions (in our case via translator), and finally give you some tips and information about caring for a newborn – all for free!

Bundle Up!

No matter the weather, hot or cold, Chinese babies in Beijing are always in layers and layers of clothes and blankies…even in July. If I had RMB 1 for every time a Chinese person (of any age and gender) told me that my baby is cold and I need to put more clothes on her, I would probably be able to buy all the naughty ice creams I’ll need during my first month postpartum.

The biggest struggle for expat parents – particularly those with a Chinese partner or who have hired a yuesao or ayi – is the endless cycle of you taking extra layers off your baby, and them putting them back on again. Anyone who has lived in China long enough knows that cold is basically the enemy. From drinking hot water (to cure ANY issue short of death) to eating food as soon as it is cooked and still scalding, locals will do whatever they can to avoid the cold – even when we expats think there isn’t any cold to avoid.

100 Days Down!

While some of the cultural differences you’ll experience in Beijing are cute, some are beneficial, and others possibly frustrating, this next tradition is something I love about being here. In ancient times, when child mortality rates were quite high, reaching 100 days was cause for celebration. Despite it not being such a feat anymore, the tradition, like the babies, lives on! And who doesn’t like an excuse to have a party? The family will often shower the baby with gifts like baby items, gold jewelry, and hongbao (red envelopes).

This is often also when they give the baby their first haircut – to encourage thicker hair regrowth. Included in this is a super sweet tradition of making a calligraphy brush with the cut hair. There are plenty of shops (also on Taobao) that will inexpensively make the brush for you and frame it with wishes of prosperity written in Chinese calligraphy, along with the baby’s name, which makes an adorable keepsake. In my culture, we also sometimes keep a lock of hair from the first haircut. Turning it into a framed calligraphy brush definitely makes it easier to keep and cherish.

First Birthday, Final Bearing!

Another very cool tradition is what Chinese families do with their babies on their first birthdays: the item grab, or 抓周 (zhuāzhōu). The baby is placed on a mat surrounded by items that represent careers, and whichever item the baby grabs could then predict what their future career path or traits will be. The items and their represented careers could include:

Pen = scholar
Money = wealth
Stethoscope = doctor
Garlic = savvy businessman
Microphone = performer

There are zhuazhou kits online that include a red cloth and the basic essentials for different career paths.

Things to consider if you are invited to a zhuazhou: It is customary to bring a sincere gift. While some more modern parents take the tradition lightly, many families still take the item grabbing very seriously, so avoid laughing at the results or making the tradition out to be silly. Go the extra mile and offer a true Chinese congrats by saying, “祝宝宝健康成长” (Zhù bǎobǎo jiànkāng chéngzhǎng) – “Wishing the baby a healthy growth.”

From how we dress to what we believe, when encountering different cultures, we are bound to find differences that intrigue us. One of the great benefits of expat life is seeing all the different ways things can be done, and sometimes we even end up adopting a few practices into our own ways of doing things. Let us know in the comments which of the cultural confetti shocked or impressed you the most!

Images: Stock, Janita Shahsavari

For as long as I can remember I’ve always been against hiring a yuesao (月嫂) after giving birth. It’s always been my plan to take care of my newborn baby on my own, without any assistance from extended family or professionals. But, it seems like the first lesson of parenting is that you’ll be dealt curve balls that no one ever prepared for.

I’m not above admitting that I’m wrong, and when it comes to the subject of yuesaos, I was definitely wrong.

Before I hired one, I had an image of an elderly woman from somewhere in rural China shuffling around my apartment trying to force weird TCM herbal mixtures down my throat and making me avoid showers and toothbrushes for a month. There are so many old traditions when it comes to “sitting the month” (yuèzi 月子) that makes a modern girl cringe. No showering for a month? No brushing your teeth? No, thank you!

Following 25 hours of labor (and definitely unplanned infected stitches), I was in no shape to take care of myself, let alone my new baby. But thankfully, my husband had made a contingency plan and interviewed a yuesao just in case. She moved into our apartment the following day and having her around has been a game-changer.

Ms. Xiao with baby Aria

One of my biggest concerns was sanitation. I’m a germaphobe and 2020 has only made me even more conscious about sanitizing everything. Fortunately, our yuesao, Ms. Xiao, is just as big of a germaphobe as me. We got along well the moment she pulled out her own bedding and slippers upon arrival.

Then there’s the privacy issue. I’m wasn’t a fan of having a stranger move into our apartment and having to make small talk when I’m drowning in everything I needed to do. But it wasn’t what I expected at all. Not only did she respect our privacy, but she also helped take care of our daughter during the day and at night, giving my husband and I time to catch our breaths and gather our thoughts. Basically, she kept us from going insane.

And what about the weird yuezi customs that we’ve all heard about? No showering, no brushing teeth, no AC… Well, there was a bit of that. She advised me not to brush my teeth too hard but that was it. As for showering, I was allowed to shower after my stitches healed a bit, but for the first two weeks, I was a milky blob in old PJs.

Everything was made from scratch

The strangest part came when we discussed dietary needs. The Chinese beliefs and western beliefs when it comes to increasing breast milk seem to be polar opposites. In the west, it’s recommended to use ice packs when breasts are sore, but according to Ms. Xiao, the instant cold shock will actually decrease your breast milk supply. Same with food. The main ingredient in any lactation pastry in the west is oatmeal, but according to Mx. Xiao, eating a lot of oatmeal will stop your breast milk supply. How strange!

So what does a yuesao do all day? Well, unlike a regular ayi, she’s technically working 24/7 for the entire time she’s with you. She cooks everything from scratch and in the healthiest way possible. Her meals are balanced and her skill in the kitchen rivals that of most Chinese chefs. Breakfast is ready when we wake up, and she prepares me a snack around 10am, lunch around 12.30pm, another snack around 3pm, dinner around 6pm, and another snack around 7pm. She cleans the apartment and does the laundry. She helps take care of the baby during the day and at night. She passes down her years of experience to us, and it’s been incredibly helpful learning all the newborn baby hacks that she’s collected through the years after caring for 40+ babies under all types of circumstances from twins to premature babies. I watched her bond with my daughter grow as my little one lit up with smiles at her funny faces.

For moms like me who needed medical assistance after giving birth, she acted as my personal nurse. This woman was literally up in my private bits tending to my stitches multiple times a day. She basically served as a new parent’s training floaties instead of letting us jump into the deep end with no way of catching our breath.

The custom of hiring a yuesao after delivery isn’t an old tradition in China, but this new industry has truly made parenting that much easier.

Previously I had made snarky comments about how if people in other countries are able to care for their newborns on their own, what makes babies born in Beijing so high maintenance? Well, I was seriously mistaken. It’s not about being high maintenance. Sometimes, it’s about maintaining your physical and mental health. If your family isn’t here to help, then hiring a professional is the next best thing. There’s no need to try to be a super mom and do everything on your own. When you need help, the responsible thing to do is to seek it out – any way possible.

We took Ms. Xiao out for a final farewell dinner

Want to find yourself a yuesao? Companies like Mumway (好孕妈妈) has access to hundreds of yuesaos in the city and hold meet and greets every weekend where you can interview them in person. Most yuesaos only speak Chinese, but there are many who speak basic English.

KEEP READING: Helping Hands: How to hire an ayi (and other help)

Photos: Mina Yan

In China, there is a well-established tradition for post-partum confinement known as 坐月子 zuò yuè zi or ‘sit the month’. The exact nature of zuo yue zi varies from region to region and family to family, but it is basically a set of dietary and lifestyle restrictions that a new mother should follow for a whole month after giving birth to their child, designed to allow her body to rest and recover, and restore the natural balance of qi or life-force in the body. Yet among my network, the term zuo yue zi is more likely to make a woman cringe rather than be filled with the warm fuzzy feeling of having just delivered a bundle of joy.

I am a first-time expecting mom in my second trimester, so my husband and I have been talking about this whole zuo yue zi business a lot lately. How seriously should we take it? Some traditional Chinese zuo yue zi practices include not washing your hair for a month, constantly drinking hot water, and a special diet of what sounds like extremely bland soups. In this day and age, are these practices still necessary to help a new mom recover?

Then there’s the practicality side of it. Nowadays there are ayis who specialize in helping mothers through the zuo yue zi, called 月嫂, yuè sǎo. Unlike your regular ayi who cleans and cooks, a yuesao is a trained professional whose sole job is to look after the baby and mom 24-hours a day. She doesn’t clean your apartment, and while she will cook a special for the new mom, she’s not lifting a finger for anyone else in the family. The perks of having a yuesao are is that there’s someone who’s extremely experienced with newborns with you at all times. For first time parents who are concerned about everything from food to diaper changes to basic ways of holding their new bundle of joy, it can be reassuring to have someone guide you through the process.

Call me an introvert, but it takes me a while to warm up to someone, so the idea of having a complete strange live with us for an entire month is quite stressful. And what about moms with language barriers? Most yuesaos don’t speak English so having a stranger with whom you have trouble communicating with live in your home, asking you to do and eat things you’ve never seen before sounds utterly confusing.

Some Beijing expat moms that I spoke to confess that their yuesao experience ended shortly after a week or two, as the cultural difference simply became too much to handle. On the other hand, there have also been new moms who’ve become too depend on their yuesao, to the extent that they even attempted to ask them to stay with the family after their one month contract is up, as their full time ayi.

“I think it’s a very personal thing based on individual feelings and circumstances. I have friends who’ve had yuesaos, ones who have gone to a yuezi center, and ones like me that had neither.” Says Sharon Shi, a British mom who gave birth to her twins in Beijing. “It was busy, but we expected it to be busy. I was lucky to have a husband at home, help from my in-laws and some friends and family from the UK who came for a week or two each. It took a while to find what worked best for us, and that kept evolving. At times we were very tired, but it was how we wanted our beginning of parenthood and family life to be. For me, I wouldn’t have wanted a stranger around but I totally get and respect that others view it differently and appreciate the guidance and support by a professional.”

If the idea of having a yuesao living in your home fulltime puts you off, there’s always the option of spending the month in a confinement center or 月子中心 yuè zi zhōngxīn. While the name might give you flashbacks of quarantine hotels and all the nightmare stores that came with it, post-partum confinement centers are more like relaxing resorts than anything else, with hotel-like suites, meals, and round the clock care provided by medical professionals. Babies and moms are both well taken care of, and new moms spend their days learning new techniques on baby care, self-care, and enjoying long relaxing massages that help their postpartum bodies recover. These centers don’t come cheap though: a 28 day stay in one of the high-end confinement centers can cost you over RMB 98,000, and they’re not covered by insurance.

So after all that COVID-19 quarantine business do I really want to pay so much money to feel like I’m being quarantined again? Hmm. Maybe not.

While the idea of entering a confinement center or hiring a yuesao is a major part of baby planning in China, is it really that necessary? Are all women in China (expats and locals alike) shelling out top RMBs so soon after delivery? No.

There are plenty of first-time expat moms who made it through this special period without additional professional assistance at all: some sought the assistance of their in-laws while others read up and confided in their girlfriends for advice and support. It all depends on how much you’re ready to take on and your lifestyle.

So parents. Did you have any assistance with the first month after giving birth? Scan the QR code to reply to our poll, or leave a comment in the comment section below.

KEEP READING: Moms in Mixed-Culture Marriages Talk About Birth and Beyond

Photos: Unsplash

Jerry Chan’s Baby Blog — Chapter 6

It’s been almost two weeks since our daughter Marianne was born. Thanks to our yuesao (maternity maid, 月嫂), things at home have settled into a steady routine of feedings, diaper changes, baths and intermittent intervals of sleep. Having someone on hand 24/7 has definitely been a huge help – it’s hard to imagine how even more ragged we’d feel if we hadn’t arranged for someone with experience to assist us at this crucial time.

The job of the yuesao is tied to the idea of zuo yue zi (做月子) – the customary four- to six-week period after birth in which a new mother in China recuperates at home under stringent dietary and health conditions. It is essentially a mixture of old traditions, rudimentary medical knowledge and common sense (with the occasional touch of superstition); I surmise that many of the practices (i.e. no bathing for up to a month, lest mom catch a cold or chill that could affect her for the rest of her life) are holdovers from the old days when diets and living conditions in China were far inferior. But, for the most part, the notion that a new mother needs a set period to rest and heal seems sensible enough.

Since this past Year of the Pig has seen an explosion of new babies born here in China, so too has the business of the hundreds – perhaps even thousands – of yuesao companies (yuesao gongsi, 月嫂公司) here in the capital. The Shanghai Daily reported last year that some yuesao were pulling in monthly salaries of around RMB 6,000 – higher than many white-collar office workers. Here in Beijing, the story is much the same, although we personally haven’t come across any companies charging that much for their yuesao services.

Our own search was done through a series of personal recommendations, newspaper and Internet trawling, as well as on-the-street inspections of flyers and storefronts. We finally settled on a company located near the Lido Hotel. Though I was a bit skeptical at first (how much could a complete stranger in our home really help?), after we went to their office to interview our prospective yuesao, I was soon convinced.

We were told that the various services offered include help with feedings (especially breastfeeding), changing diapers, bathing baby, cooking nutritious meals for mom, washing clothing and linens for both mother and baby, as well as cleaning and sterilizing the umbilical cord area and C-section wound (if applicable) – in other words, the essential tasks of caring for mother and child in the critical first month. The fee is based on the experience of the nanny: The services of younger yuesao usually go for RMB 3,600 a month, while older, more experienced ones go for RMB 4,000 and up. Although I was not expecting a miracle worker, the mere recitation of this list was enough to make me realize just how much work lay in store for us.

We spoke with a fortysomething woman from Inner Mongolia whom we called “Sister Chang” (Zhang Jie). She seemed like a genuinely kindly and patient soul, and interviewed well, so we decided then and there to reserve her services for our first month.

After the interview, the company asked us to notify them soon after the baby was born to set the Sister Chang’s exact start date (which was up to us, and could be as soon as we wanted). Unfortunately, when the baby was born and it came time to call Sister Chang in, we were told that she had taken ill. The company recommended – surprise, surprise – a slightly more expensive yuesao (the RMB 4,000+ kind).

We were willing to give the company the benefit of the doubt – particularly since both my wife and I had also just gotten over rather nasty cases of the flu – and, indeed, after some back-and-forth bickering, we were assigned an alternate nanny at the original RMB 3,600 price. But when our new yuesao showed up at the hospital, things didn’t quite match up to our expectations.

Stay tuned for details in the next chapter…