Tiger moms and wolf dads, beware! Ten-year-old Beijing students Chen Leshui (陈乐水) and Deng Xinyi (邓欣熠) have you all figured out. They’ve collected their wisdom into a crude but effective guide to dealing with overbearing parents. Aimed at 6-12-year olds, the book is written in blue ballpoint pen and contains helpful diagrams for aspiring rebels. The story went viral after Chen Leshui’s dad posted the scanned images on Weibo, causing parents everywhere to break out into a cold sweat.
The guide is called The Complete Book of Combat with Mom (斗妈大全) and describes 15 “master strokes” (绝招), or tricks. Each Machiavellian measure includes notes on the difficulty of the ploy and how often it should be used. For example, number 1 (“Look elsewhere and think of something else when your mom screams at you”) is rated “difficult” and should be used sparingly. The ploys range from sweet to hilarious; I dare you to read these and not break into a smile. Here are my Top 5. For the complete set, visit Chen’s dad’s Weibo (@cuntoushu).
Number 4: Sob Into Mom’s Shoulder (lower half of image)
Difficulty: Very easy
Caption: When Mom yells at you, throw yourself against her and start sobbing. (Note: Make it look real!)
Number 10: Slip a Note Under Mom’s Door (lower half of image)
Caption: After Mom yells at you and her anger hasn’t dissipated, write her a note and pass it under her door.
Number 13: Burst Into Song in Mid-Fight (top half of image)
Caption: When Mom yells at you, start singing. For example (in a sing-song voice): “Mommy is a little fool…”
Number 8: Insult Mom Back (lower half of image)
Difficulty: Very hard (or, as Leo Lewis of The Times put it, “suicidal”)
Use: Very sparingly
Caption: After Mom yells at you, lose your cool at her (say the meanest thing possible).
Number 15: Cover Your Ears and Run Away (top half of image)
Difficulty: Fiendishly hard
Use: Once in a blue moon
Caption: When Mom yells at you, cover your ears and scream “I got it already!”, then run away from her.