Navigating Friendships Between Parents and Non-Parents

You’ve got that one friend with whom you’ve been through thick and thin: The holidays, boy troubles, weddings … nothing can break you. But suddenly …

“I’m pregnant!”, announces your friend one day, gently stroking a barely-there bump.

All those girl-trip plans suddenly go out of the window, and in comes the flurry that follows such announcements: The baby showers (showers? Isn’t that supposed to be a hygiene thing?), the gender reveal parties (it’s either a boy or a girl, so why bother finding out earlier?), the birth announcement with baby’s weight, length, head circumference, and what he/she looks like from every camera angle.

You are happy for her. Of course you are! But you can’t shake the feeling that this once straight road of friendship could be heading for a huge divergence with this news that, to you, is unfamiliar territory. But does this have to signal the death of your friendship?

We all know how fitful friendships can be in general. Most people go through several ‘friendship culling’ periods in their lives. The first culling season normally happens when friendships from elementary school through to university fizzle out because you both embark on different career paths or move to different cities or countries.

Next, usually in your early twenties, around the time you receive your first paycheck, you meet those mates you click with, the ones that drop you back home from a bar at 5am, or hold your head down the toilet bowl while you throw up all the drinks and dinner from last night. But alas, around your late twenties, culling season hits again when many of these friends settle down, get married, or have careers and promotions at stake and can no longer take the constant hangovers.

This is inevitably part of life. However, the culling period that’s most difficult to deal with, is the one where friendships fizzle out simply because one friend has children and the other doesn’t.

Friendships Tested By Childbirth

Oftentimes, we look for friendships that are a reflection of us. We consciously seek out like-minded people with experiences similar to ours. So, as your dear friend with children retreats into domestic bliss, you may wonder how you are ever going to fit into unfamiliar discussions with her about nausea (you mean you can throw up without having had a drink?), cerclage issues, (what? They sew it shut?), epidurals (bliss), childbirth (did you say 10 centimeters dilation?), sore nipples and breastfeeding (yes, you are now someone’s cow), eating placentas (and you thought eating chicken skin was gross) … your mind boggles with this new strange procreation language that your friend is speaking.

You may also question how you are ever going to have a decent adult catch-up while she’s knee-deep in diapers, poo, and her clothes reek of a combination of breast milk and baby’s leftover dinner.

If you want children of your own and for one reason or another, it hasn’t happened, you may just find it painful being in your parent friend’s home surrounded by babies.

All these factors will test any friendship.

But A Little Effort Goes A Long Way

Many friendships survive these childbearing seasons and blossom further. Two of my closest friends are childless. They want children of their own someday and despite the fact that they’ve been trying for babies for a while, they’ve never shown a tinge of jealousy whenever I announced I was pregnant nor have they been enraged if I had to cancel an appointment with them or don’t return their calls immediately.

To sustain a relationship like this, both sides need to make some adjustments:

• Non-parent friends will have to accept that parent friends will be MIA for some time and that should be ok. When kids reach school-going age or grow up and become more self-sufficient, things generally do ease up a little and long nights or away weekends can be a possibility again.
• Often, trips by parent friends require a ‘mini military drill’ operation of loading the car with baby bags, pampers, strollers, pacifiers, milk, bottles, food, beds, toys, car seats, and the baby… all for a few hours’ visit. It’s easier for the non-parent friend to jump into her car to go visit the parent friend.
• The non-parent friend shouldn’t take offense if the parent friend gets tired ridiculously early and wants to go to bed. Taking care of kids really does drain one of energy.
• Non-parents should be prepared that meetups may most likely be arranged around baby’s nap time or most likely in a playground or paddling pool.
• If a parent friend spends half an hour discussing the last stroller she bought for her baby, it’s ok for the non-parent friend to tell her to change the subject, pronto!
• The parent friend should avoid remarks like “ahhhh, don’t even talk to me about being busy and tired cos you don’t have kids”. It’d be like a husband asking a stay-at-home mum what the heck she does all day (“sure, I’ve been sitting on the couch eating bonbons all day while the clothes magically washed and ironed themselves, the fairy godmother washed the baby, that elf next door must have done our grocery shopping and that “Fairy Maids” game APP helped clean the house!) … Tiredness shouldn’t be defined along guidelines of having kids or a 9-5 office job.
• The parent friend should make time to listen to the non-parent friend about her non-baby issues like career promotion, her holiday or the new cat and dog she just adopted from the animal rescue center (yes, those are her babies too and they deserve a place in the conversation just like any other topic).
• If the parent friend is no longer breastfeeding and the kids can easily stay with a sitter, it’s ok for the non-parent friend to ask her not to bring them along to a meet-up. This doesn’t mean that she doesn’t like your kids but because she wants a conversation that’s not entirely hijacked by children.

Of course, every friendship is different and despite your best efforts, some of them will not survive this life transition. However much it hurts, you just have to let those friendships go.

Just don’t give up before you’ve tried!

Pearl Kasujja-Van de Velde is a dual Ugandan/Belgian national, a mother to two amazing girls, a wife, and a storyteller. To get in touch, visit her website at www.pearlkasujja.com.

KEEP READING: Stepping Into Step-Parenthood: On The Challenges of Being a “Spare Mom”

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