I recently went on a pretty deep dive into unsung women in Chinese history (keep watching for those articles!). I’m a nerd so this was actually incredibly fun and interesting, but I noticed a pattern. Without fail every notable female historical figure I researched was almost immediately tied to her spouse, son, or father. Literally within the first three sentences, sometimes the first three words, her accomplishments were tied to a male who either directly or indirectly is given credit for her ability to succeed. I got curious and reverse searched the men these women were tied to. In all but one instance, the woman’s name doesn’t even appear in the body of the man’s bio. Instead, it’s usually a footnote under a separate tab labeled family or personal life, if she is mentioned at all. I thought maybe this was cultural. All of my research had been focused on China. So, I went looking for she-roes from other corners of the world and repeated the process. Same results from America, Brittan, Germany, South Africa, Argentina, and India.
It got me thinking. This push to tell minority and woman’s stories is amazing and necessary. But how we tell them is just as important. What message are we sending to our children of both genders about a woman’s place? What does it say to our girls if they are most lauded for being the supporting character in someone else’s story? What does it say to our boys if we tell them that achievement should outweigh relationships? Neither of those existences feels whole and happy to me.
I’ll admit I have had a hard time writing this next portion. How do we start to undo thousands of years of ingrained bias when we ourselves are products of that bias? If there was a tried and true solution for removing social blinders and raising consciousness we would all be doing it already. If I knew how to fix my own blind spots it would be easy to teach the next generation to avoid them all together. But in many ways, we are all in the dark and groping for a flashlight. So please bear with the glow sticks below. I am fully aware that none of this is enough, but we need to start somewhere!
Identify It: I’m 38 years old and I just noticed this! Seriously, what is wrong with me? I’m a teacher, a woman, a self-proclaimed humanist. I should have seen it sooner. I am embarrassed to think of how many books, movies, games etc. I have suggested over the years that subtly reaffirmed this storyline. But noticing is step one. Once you notice, help your children identify it too. Most kids have an innate sense of fairness and once they realize the balance of something is off they will actively seek to make it right. They will also insist on pointing it out to everyone else they come in contact with, what’s more grassroots than that?
Delineate Between a Status and an Achievement. Don’t get me wrong, I think the title of wife, mother, daughter, and friend are all incredibly important, valuable parts of a person’s life and identity but they are relationships not accomplishments. Those relationships are often vital to sustaining you while you achieve, and they certainly make the journey and the victory that much better. But they are not substitutes for the hard work and sacrifices that go into getting a degree, building a company, or creating a movement. So, applaud your children for the things they worked for. Let them claim the credit (or share it if it is appropriate) instead of insisting someone else made it possible. Their efforts should make them feel worthy and proud!
Find the Balance: So often girls are unconsciously taught to put the wants of a relationship in front of their need to achieve. The long-lasting implication is “If I win my friends might not like me as much”. Boys on the other hand are taught that to lose makes them less as a person. They are tasked with the responsibility of always winning no matter the cost. Their subconscious training “If I don’t win I won’t be worthy of love.” I’m not ok with either of those outcomes for our kids.
Let’s start by not framing accomplishments as a zero-sum game. My winning isn’t taking anything from you. Remind your kids that by being the best version of themselves they give others inspiration and permission to shine their brightest. They can cheer on their friends and push themselves to their highest heights at the same time, in fact, it will probably benefit us all in million different ways if they do.
I Am Not My Status… or My Achievements: The title of husband/wife does not define you. Neither does your degree. Human beings are a wonderfully complicated, evolving series of choices, thoughts, and feelings. Letting your child (and yourself) know that they are worthy of being noticed, acknowledged, and loved at every stage of that evolution is the first step of a more well-rounded, balanced society because it gives them permission to notice, acknowledge and love everyone else too. That doesn’t mean we excuse bad behavior or accept less than their best efforts. It just means we don’t tie our affection and support to their resume.
Let’s Change the Stories We Read: And the movies we watch and the games we play. There is so much great content available that we can afford to be picky. If the only objective of the heroine is to get married and the hero only wants to slay a dragon it’s probably not the most enticing storyline anyway.
Let’s start telling stories (and histories) that show people as whole, complete and balanced. Let’s put a woman’s achievements at the top of her resume and make sure to mention the familial support that made a man’s possible in his biography. Let’s start telling stories that tell our kids “your place is anywhere you want it to be and it’s up to you who stands in that place with you.”
KEEP READING: Women’s Month-Let’s Empower One Another
Photo Credit: Pixel
