With summer nearly behind us, parents are facing the challenge of transitioning their entire family back from a summer schedule to one that fits the school year. For many families, summers are full of crafts, hikes, museum trips and more screen time. Kids are drawn to their phones, the iPad, or computers, absorbed in the digital world of their choosing. As parents, we have felt both relieved, for the undisturbed break when the kids are silently engaged and avoiding a power struggle around screen use, and worried: Is this too much screen time and too little structure for kids? Could they become addicted over the summer?
Now, with the school year beginning in a few weeks, these questions loom large. So, let’s dive into the topic of technology use. How much screentime is too much? How can you establish new household rules around technology use? How can you stick to the plan without daily arguments and power struggles? You are not the only parent who struggles with these questions.
Different Expectations for Different Ages
Today, screens can feel unavoidable. The flexibility of screen use makes it the perfect time-filler for the ten minutes before the next activity and entertainment for your child while you finish up a pressing phone call for work. We are here to validate that sometimes giving your child technology can be good for everyone, as long as we are teaching how to use technology responsibly and with developmentally appropriate considerations. Kids of different ages can benefit from different types and amounts of screen time, and from different coaching to think independently and critically about what, when and how they use technology.
For 0-2 Year Olds
– Focus on exposing your child to real-world, sensory experiences. Your child is learning from exposure to everything around them. They are not bored easily, do not need to be actively entertained every moment, and are observing and drawing conclusions about the physical world around them.
– Use technology to facilitate social interactions by video-chatting with friends and relatives and co-viewing the content with your child.
For 2-5 Year Olds
– Social skills and self-regulation are important to the development of this age group. Prioritize active play, storytelling, sharing, turn-taking, co-building or co-constructing and imaginative activities.
– Thoughtfully choose the content that your child watches, and keep the amount to one hour per day. When possible, co-view the content and layer play, imagination or curiosity on top of the content you watch together.
For 6-12 Year Olds
– Balance screen time with other obligations, such as exercise, chores, sleep, time with friends and family, and academic tasks, and narrate out loud how you determine whether or not screen time is appropriate as a model for your kids.
– Begin to teach media literacy, helping your kids understand advertising and clickbait, and engage in deeper discussions about how to think critically in response to content that is recommended to us.
– Keep screen time to two hours a day or less, not including time spent with screens completing homework.
For 13-18 Year Olds
– Promote independent decision-making around screen usage, coaching your kids to connect the attainment of their own goals, their connections with friends and family, or their emotional states with how they spend their time.
– Prioritize and maintain screen-free zones or screen-free times, such as during meals, before bedtime, in the car or in the bathroom.
– Monitor for signs of screen overuse, such as social withdrawal, disruptions to sleep or mood swings.
Transitioning from the summer is a perfect time to begin experimenting with crafting and adopting a new set of rules around screentime. There is less free time in the school year, and the change in schedule invites discussions about how best to deliberately use our time. Develop routines and structure together and discuss explicitly why technology use will change now that the school year is around the corner. By thoughtfully introducing the topic, the whole family can learn how to hold each other accountable and support each other to reach their goals.
Developing, implementing or changing rules around technology use or screen time can be tricky. Setting expectations, limits, and making choices should be communicated clearly, too, and even with the support of your kids!
Having a family meeting to develop a family agreement is the first step. Allow everyone to share their thoughts on how technology is used in your household now and what the impact of current use patterns is on each individual or the family as a whole. After this sharing, you can begin to delve into what the expectations for technology use should be in the family. Some parents reach an alignment ahead of time with each other or even have a draft of the new rules in advance of this discussion. Despite the preparation, maintain an open-mindedness and non-judgmental approach to the conversation.
Try To:
1. Avoid talking about screentime as a reward or punishment, as it can increase your kids’ fixations on tech while putting parents and children on opposite sides of this issue. Parents become “enforcement,” which can damage trust with your kids and spur defiance. Instead, set achievable goals, creating priorities and schedules including technology as a predictable feature of the routine and setting weekly limits which give you the flexibility to reallocate across the week.
2. Validate your children’s feelings while staying firm during the conversation. Examples set by other families will likely be brought up, and try to respond by saying: “I get it; it’s hard when other kids (get more screen time, can spend money to buy credits in a game, can download whatever apps they want). Different families have different values and make different rules or choices. These are ours because we think they are the best for your health and well-being, and we care about that.” Try not to be dragged into the details of past arguments or injustices that your kids may feel, but do hear them out.
3. Allow your kids to ask lots of “whys” in the process – get all of them out while you are having this calm, hypothetical conversation! It is much easier to stay consistent with rules that everyone understands and agrees with, rather than arguing and relying on power dynamics every time you try to enforce the rules. Use this opportunity as a chance to talk through all the “what ifs,” and hear the way your child thinks through how to choose the appropriate content (what’s okay to watch or play) and context (when or where it’s okay) for their screen time.
Be prepared to make rules for yourself and model sticking to them. Kids learn from what they see. You don’t HAVE to agree to the same rules as your kids as long as you’ve talked through why that is the case, but you DO have to model adhering to the rules you’ve set for yourself once they have been agreed upon.
Putting the Plan in Place
Initially, there will be friction when your family is transitioning to less screen time or a new structure or set of rules around technology use. Sometimes your child will test your boundaries to see how serious you are about the new rules. Other times, your child will simply default to old habits and routines and reach for the smartphone without a second thought, with no bad intent. As much as possible, believe that your child would rather stick to your agreement rather than go against it, especially after the candid conversations that you’ve had together. Also, remind yourself just how enticing these devices can be and how deeply ingrained our habits of reaching for technology have become.
Armed with this empathy for your kids, brace yourself for the difficulty of sticking to the plan as a family. As you course-correct towards a lasting and sustainable set of rules around technology use, you will learn how to mobilize everyone to work together and appreciate the benefits of using our time more intentionally.
1. Encourage and support one another in following the new rules. Use helpful tools like timers, give advance warnings before screen time ends, and clearly communicate what comes next in the schedule. Remember, adjusting to a new routine can be challenging at first and may require patience and repeated reminders.
2. Use goal-based language or focus on natural consequences to stick to the plans instead of using screen time as a reward or punishment. Rather than saying, “That’s it; no screens for you!” or “Well, you keep wasting your time like this and you won’t have any time left for your iPad!” try the following:
a. Once you’ve read for 30 minutes, you can play for ten minutes.
b. Screens are okay from 4pm to 5pm after our room is organized and our homework is completed.
c. Because the iPad was left out overnight, it’s being charged on dad’s office desk today. Tomorrow, you can try again.
d. When we are done cleaning up from dinner, you can get your phone.
3. Reflect on and re-tool together the rules that aren’t working. When a rule needs to be adapted, rather than imposing a new rule at your own discretion, such as revoking the iPad immediately, pause to talk to your child and reflect together about it. “Let’s take a break real quick and figure out what’s happening. What can we do differently the next time X comes up? How can I help as we try to stick to this new plan and figure out if it’s working?” It can also be good to revisit the rules as a family for the first few weeks to celebrate what is going well and check in on how everyone is responding to the new rules.
Above all, try to amplify how meaningful screen-free moments and interactions are. The hormones released during and after social connection are the strongest substitute for the ones released by screen usage. Talk about the book they read or the activities they have done, listen attentively to the stories they tell you during meals, follow up with questions for them to elaborate on, and ask them to show you how to do things or make things.
We know this is a lot to manage as you prepare to reorient your family toward the school year. However, establishing clear and healthy guidelines for technology use now can strengthen family connections and help prevent future conflicts. Remember to regularly celebrate small successes, but also expect occasional slip-ups, meltdowns, or power struggles. These moments are opportunities to repair, reflect and grow together. Wishing you all the best on this journey, and feel free to share your questions or stories with the SENIA-Beijing and jingkids communities.
Images: SENIA Beijing
