Yes! I have two girls and I could not be prouder. And no, I will not be trying again until I have a boy. Get over it!

Gender Expectations:

When it comes to people’s expectations, there’s no limit to what they will want, expect, or outright demand from you. Rating highly on that demand list – high up there with expecting you to be married by a certain age – is the topic of procreation.

Before you have a child, people will enquire when you are having a baby – any gender baby – as long as it’s a baby.

Once you score on that, they expect a second baby pronto (preferably – for them – a gender different from the one you have already).

When you do have a second or third child and they are all the same gender, the endless questions and pitying remarks begin.

I have six sisters, most of whom have at least two daughters. My husband has one sister, who has two daughters herself. Needless to say, we have a very good relationship with estrogen and my husband has always wanted two daughters.

Crack the shell of gender and it’s all a delicate construct anyway.

Daughter number one arrived nine years ago and we were delighted. For our second pregnancy, I remember going to Beijing United Family Hospital for our scan. We’d been told that finding out the sex of a baby before birth in China was not allowed. During a casual conversation, the good doctor asked us (looking more to my husband) what we hoped for this time. Knowing we already had a girl, she expected my husband to say, “We’d like a boy this time,” so was shocked when he said, “I hope it’s another girl”.

A few weeks later back in Europe, we found out we were having another girl, much to the delight of hubby, our big girl, and naturally me.

Then came the comments…

Here are the “best” ones I have been asked so far:

• Poor husband, he’s outnumbered. He must be disappointed (Yes, he is outnumbered and no, he’s not disappointed, he loves it).
• Surely you are going to try again and hopefully, it will be a boy (Ehm, no thanks).
• Were you trying for a boy this time ’round? (Not that it’s your business but no, we were just trying for a child).
• Are you sad that you don’t have a son? (No, I am not)
• You know girls get married and have kids with different last names (A name can be hyphenated. It’s just a name. Doesn’t change her DNA).
• Your poor husband won’t get to play football or do “boy” things with a son. (My husband hates football with a passion. He enjoys playing tennis and cycling with our daughters and they are talking about going fishing. Pretty cool things both boys and girls can enjoy).

I know why some of these questions are asked. Many cultures view having sons as the be-all and end-all. Sons “carry” the family name further. But to me, it’s all staggeringly misogynistic.

I know that for many parents, it is an unquenchable longing they can’t help but feel. I have a friend who has five wonderful sons but is so desperate for a daughter. She loves her boys unconditionally of course, but there’s that gap she wants to be filled with pink booties and hair bows.

Other women go so far as gender selecting the babies through IVF (Yes, I am judging you! That is a bit vain). You would think that the priority would be a healthy baby first. After all, there are millions of couples who are sadly struggling to have even one child.

I, for sure, am not sitting around crying that I can’t buy boy stuff. Granted, I once had a quick dash of imagination about raising a boy: his voice breaking, his beard growing, him bringing a girl (or boy) home… but I have many nephews that I love with all my heart. To me, they are my boys.

My womb is done and dusted with “nine-month tenants” and I am not reincarnating myself so that I can experience a gender combo family. I am so thankful for my girls. They are evidence of a higher power that decides natural gender selection, so they are perfect for me!

What’s between their legs is irrelevant!

** This also happens to boys-only mothers.

Pearl Kasujja-Van de Velde is a dual Ugandan/Belgian national, a mother to two amazing girls, a wife, and a storyteller. To get in touch, visit her website at www.pearlkasujja.com.

KEEP READING: Navigating Friendships Between Parents and Non-Parents

Photos: pexels

It’s a perfectly peaceful afternoon. The sun is warm, the breeze is cool and you sit on the bench with one eye scanning this month’s book club pick and the other watching your five-year-old happily entertain themself on the playground. Suddenly earsplitting screams shatter the bucolic silence. You look over to see your angel in an epic struggle with another child for their prized dump truck!

Instinct and your alter ego “super parent” take over as you go to rescue your little one and their property. The other child’s parent is nowhere in sight….

This is a common (if overdramatized) situation with a sticky question attached. Is it ever ok to discipline someone else’s child? Most of us agree that if a child is in danger or causing serious damage, we should step in. But what about the situations where the stakes and the consequences aren’t quite so high?

There are as many answers to that question as there are parenting blogs and no simple solutions. Each situation is unique and needs to be navigated with the diplomacy of a UN ambassador and the skill of Mary Poppins.

The following tips won’t work in every scenario but assuming there is no hitting or violence involved, here are a few tools that have helped me resolve issues ranging from toy theft to swing hogging and name-calling.

You’d be surprised how often kids can advocate for their own safety.

Give Peace a Chance

The instinct is always to advocate for your child, but I am often amazed by how well children can solve issues with each other if given a little space. Several years ago, I was on playground duty and watched a preschooler try to pull a ball away from her friend. I was halfway across the yard to impart an important lesson on sharing when I heard the aggrieved child say, “I don’t like it when you take! Wait your turn please!” Her confidence stopped me in my tracks. Within a few moments, they had agreed to play together and negotiated equitable terms that any diplomatic advisor would have envied. Had I been standing closer and intervened, I would have unwittingly robbed that little girl of the opportunity to state clear boundaries and the other child the chance to respect them.

Obviously, this won’t always work out, but if it doesn’t look like the situation is dangerous, try giving the children a few beats to sort it out for themselves. They might surprise you.

Remember You Are Dealing With a Child Not a Criminal Offender

If you do have to intervene and the other parent can’t or won’t get involved, remember the other child is not the enemy (even if they made your little one cry).  They are a kid who is still developing impulse control and is trying to figure out the world and social boundaries. Try not to yell or shame them; and it should go without saying, that you should never put your hands on another person’s child.

This is a learning moment for everyone. You want your child to be able to clearly but compassionately stand up for themselves and you want both children to learn to respect other people’s bodies, property, and feelings. There may also be extenuating circumstances or special needs of which you are not aware, so approach them with the same kindness and understanding you would want for your own family.

Be the Calm in the Middle of Their Storm

If you had to step in, emotions are running high for both little ones so enter the fray with serene, loving authority. As long as no hitting, biting, or general kid-on-kid violence has occurred, try to get them to express their feelings: “How did you feel when they took your ball? Ok, tell them.” Try and get the other child to express what it was they wanted and guide them towards the realization that there may be a more effective way to get it in the future. Once everyone feels heard and understood, you will be surprised how naturally apologies and forgiveness flow.

As someone who has guided more of these interactions then I can count, I know this method is more time consuming and exhausting than simply removing the offending toy and shooing the other child away. But wouldn’t our world be a lot better if more adults had the skill set to resolve issues with words? That is learned in childhood!

Address the Behavior Not the Child

Your issue is not with the child but with the behavior in which they choose to engage. Avoid value judgments like calling the child “bad” or “mean” and deal directly with the issue by giving the behavior real-world consequences. For example, “I know you were upset but when you call someone a name it hurts their feelings, and then they can’t play with you anymore.” Give the child an opportunity to correct the behavior by giving an apology and finding a better way to verbalize their feelings in the future.

Be Empathetic to the Other Parent

You will need to tell the other adult what happened and how you handled the situation.  Hopefully, they will be understanding and agree with the way you reacted. If they apologize, make sure you accept graciously with a ‘kids will be kids’ attitude. You never know when you might be on the other side of the conversation because your child had a bad day and overstepped social boundaries.

If the parent seems disengaged, unapologetic, or even aggressive try not to respond in kind. It can be easy to blame the other adult for “bad parenting” in these situations but jumping to conclusions can create an entirely new conflict. If there is a disagreement, talk it out and try to find a common ground for how you both should handle issues in the future, especially if your children will be playing in the same park or going to the same school.  Keep in mind a lot could be going on under the surface. There could be issues in the home that are affecting the child, work stress that has them distracted, or they could just be embarrassed by the behavior of their child and responding in a less than productive way. These are not excuses, but going into the situation with an open mind and caring heart will usually yield a much more satisfactory outcome.            

Take Culture Into Consideration

This is true everywhere but especially in an expat community! Not only are there different social norms for the country in which we currently reside, but every family is coming from a drastically different culture as well. For some people, the “village” mentality of child-rearing is normal, while for others it is seen as invasive and insulting. In some places queueing is standard, in others, lines are rarely if ever seen. Don’t make the assumption that your version of common courtesy is common and, within reason, try to be accommodating.

Children watch how adults interact to learn how to act themselves. No matter how many times you tell your children we need to respect each other, nothing will speak louder than seeing you respect someone else, even if that person isn’t returning the favor. By engaging in a civil way and working to come to an understanding, you are setting an important example for your child. Those seeds you plant now could have wonderful and long-ranging effects on the world as your child grows into a responsible and caring adult.

KEEP READING: Hierarchy In The Family Pecking Order. Impact of Birth Order on Parenting Styles and Children’s Personalities

Photos: Unsplash

This article appeared in the beijingkids 2020 September issue

Burger Fest has got me thinking about superheroes, which got me thinking about villains, and how much my kids learn from an interesting and well-developed “bad guy.” I will never forget when we first watched “Frozen”. My oldest was three and loved the ice, the sisters, the songs. He’d recently become a big brother, so the reality of hurting a sibling rang true in his little brain.

Sometime after Elsa loses control of her powers and runs away, he turns to me all concerned and asks, “Is Elsa the bad guy?” I knew he felt a mixture of emotions: concern for her well being, concern for her kingdom, and her sister, but most of all, fear that he cared so much about “the bad guy.” I loved that he caught on to her complexity, and we talked about how she is seen as the bad guy, and certainly, her powers are making her do bad things, but she doesn’t yet know how to control them. Mostly because her parents told her just to hide them, which of course is a horrible idea, but that’s a whole other article.

Up until this point villains had been pretty straightforward for him: the evil stepmother in “Cinderella,” Cruella DeVille and her penchant for puppy coats, the mean guy Gaston. They’re all marked as “the bad guys” from the start, and we aren’t meant to empathize with them. So I found it very exciting to discuss the different ways someone can be labeled “bad” and turned into a villain, even when they have no control. 

“Conversations about complex villains are a great way to help kids flex their empathy muscles in a way that’s accessible to them and their understanding of the world,” says Ben “Books” Schwartz, a video game writer for Microfun Inc. “Obviously not every conversation is right for every kid, nor at every level of development–a five-year-old probably isn’t ready to talk about Magneto’s role as a Holocaust survivor, for instance…I think the most important thing is to try to help children understand the idea that many villains (especially well-written ones) do what they do for a reason. They have motivations and likely see themselves as the hero of their own story. Even if you disagree with a villain and want to stop them, you can still understand that they want something–and may even raise a legitimate point!”

This would naturally bring me to Killmonger in “Black Panther.” I love how we learn that his actions stem directly from a place of pain, childhood trauma, and familial betrayal. I know this will bring up many questions when my children do watch it. My four and six-year-old haven’t seen a lot of Marvel movies yet, but some of the same motivations arose when we watched Thor. His brother Loki is never really seen as reliable, but once he learns his origins, Loki turns to the Nordic God dark side, as it were, and part of the fun of this character is that he is never really on any side except his own. 

Actor, Director, and host of the podcast Cringe Benefits Abby Wilde directed me to Loki’s storylines in the comics and Young Avengers for a more thorough arc, and one that could appeal to younger kids. “Loki goes in and out of arcs like this. There’s a great one by Kieron Gillen in which Loki, reincarnated as the child version of himself, wants to be a good guy — but no one in Asgard will trust him because he’s Loki.”

In so many stories made for kids, when mine ask why the bad guy wants to make bad choices, it comes down to power or money. Then we go deeper as they inevitably ask why do they want power? Well, some people feel very powerless in their own life or had a bad experience when they were young, and they think power will make them happy. Why do they want money? (Deep breath, Mom): We live in a global society that values money and makes people think they are worthless if they don’t spend money, or if they don’t have money to spend, or if they are poor. It’s our job as citizens of the world to treat everyone with respect no matter how much money they have or how other people treat them, and maybe we can stop the cycle so people don’t worry they have to be the bad guy to be happy. 

Whew. That’s a lot for a cops and robbers cartoon, but it also feels great as a parent to parse out these greater evils of the world so later, our kids won’t feel gobsmacked by how they were told the world exists versus how we would like the world to be. 

Another villain who I never questioned as a child, but thankfully my own kids did, is the Wicked Witch of the West. On a recent re-watch, I was about to wonder out loud why she was being punished and labeled “wicked” when she is in the throes of mourning her sister when my kid asked that exact question. This brought us into a discussion on preconceived notions of people, and even if you do a bad thing because you are in pain, it is still a bad choice. But why does Glinda, the supposedly “good witch” give Dorothy the Wicked Witch of the East’s slippers? Out of spite, it seems, directly placing a teenager in harm’s way. They haven’t yet read the book “Wicked” or seen the problematic musical based on it, but in both, Elphaba (a name he gave The Wicked Witch of the West) is essentially a freedom fighter after learning how the humans of Oz are discriminating against those animals who can also speak, ultimately trying to subjugate them. So heck yeah, now even “The Wizard of Oz” is a more interesting and complex story to watch with my kids. 

I used to redirect my kids when they wanted to be the bad guy, but Schwartz also says that pretend play with children can only build their empathy skills. “[Playing the villain is] helping them understand that people who hurt or upset them are fellow human beings and need to be treated with empathy rather than reciprocal cruelty. It’s also laying the groundwork for the eventual realization that they too will likely wind up hurting people sooner or later and that everyone takes a turn as the villain in someone else’s story.”

I could go on and on here. But I’ll just reference some more villains who didn’t make it into this story but are well worth the complex conversations:

• Maleficent turns from a stunning dragon sorceress mad at being snubbed for a party invitation into the defender of The Moors and trauma victim recovering from her wings being mauled off by a human she loved. 
• The entire musical series “The Descendants” is about the struggle between teenage kids of villains not to end up like their parents, but sometimes their “good guy” counterparts also do bad things to piss them off and bring out the villainous side. See also: “Once Upon a Time,” the TV series.
• Writer and podcast host Dominic Mah brings up an excellent twist: “The Skrulls in “Captain Marvel” might be the MCU’s best try at “what IS a villain anyway?”
• Many more scholarly folk than I already took on the Thanos question, and I don’t even have the bandwidth right now to tackle him in the context of empathy.
• Nebula! One of my favorites from the MCU who I wish I could cosplay properly.
• Writer and voracious reader Bree Todish also recalled “Wanda & Peter in “Age of Ultron” who go from “villains” to “heroes” over the course of the movie.”
• “Poison Ivy is a radical eco-terrorist who cares about plants to the detriment of human life,” Wilde contributed.
• For Harley Quinn and The Joker, well, I’ll just refer you over here to Dr. Drea Letamendi’s amazing insight.

The resurgence of Maleficent also makes for some excellent cosplay

One of the most difficult examples was when we saw “Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse,” and spoiler alerts abound in this next paragraph, so you have been warned. It’s one thing when Peter Parker from our multiverse dies at the beginning, for we have the promise of more heroes to come. Then we learn that Miles Morales’ beloved uncle is the henchman for the main villain, and loses his life after Miles reveals his identity to him. And although I’d adore knowing Doc Ock’s backstory, it is Kingpin who is the main threat in the movie. When his backstory and motivation was told – his wife and son saw him trying to kill Spider-Man and were so disgusted and confused that they drove off and were killed by a truck – my son didn’t say anything in the movie theater. I waited for him to bring it up and he did, just a day later. 

“Mommy, that was really sad what happened to Kingpin’s family. They died after they saw him make bad choices.”

“Yes, that really was sad.” I was about to launch into more probing analysis on his actions when:

“But Mommy, he still shouldn’t have made all those bad choices. That wasn’t right. He was going to hurt a lot of people because he was hurt.”

The kids may just be alright. 

KEEP READING: Who’s the Most Super Superhero? Beijingkids Know!

Photos: Pexels

Perhaps the one thing I’m most thankful for is my parents. They inspire me in so many ways, whether it’s school, my future career, or just how to be a person in general. It’s a universal problem that when children become teenagers, they drift apart from their parents. Teens head straight to their rooms, lock the door, and they share so little about their life that connecting with them is like cracking codes. Luckily, I didn’t go through such a phase. Instead, I feel like my adolescent years have drawn me closer to my parents, and maybe this has to do with the fact that they’re “cool”. Not the same “cool” as the cheerleading girls or the boys on the football team. It’s much more complex than that and varies from parent to parent.

Being Open and Accepting of Friends

It’s inevitable that every teenager will enjoy spending time with friends, sometimes more than spending time with family. Often, the distancing and drifting begin because parents aren’t supportive of their kid’s social life. It’s important to trust your child and let them hang out freely with friends. Try not to question where they’re going, who they’re going with, and what they’re doing. The more suspicious you are, the more your child feels the need to lie. It’s also important not to be overly strict with when your child is allowed to go out. As long as it’s not at an absurd hour or right before a major exam, give permission for them to attend that concert they’ve been counting down for, or go on that date they’ve been stressing over. For me, I usually wouldn’t hesitate about asking to go out… of course except for recent months because of COVID-19.

Qinglan Du and her mom

Giving Relationship Advice

The most awkward conversation to have between any child and parent tends to be the “relationship talk.” Teenagers are often embarrassed about discussing their love life with family, but it’s ever so crucial to open up that door. In order to build an environment where adolescents feel comfortable sharing, parents must show their support and non-judgment. Recently, my mom has been giving me relationship advice motivating me to make a move and expressing her interests in meeting the boy. By giving solid advice rather than lectures on teen romance, all of a sudden your child will feel understood and have someone reliable to turn to.

Qinglan Du and her dad

Balancing Work and Parenting

An unfortunate circumstance in many households is that parents are often too busy working to spend quality time with their kids. This, of course, is perfectly understandable. Personally what I find coolest about my parents is how they balance the two. My parents are both journalists, and in the past half-year, I’ve stayed with my mom who’s especially busy reporting Israel’s COVID-19 situation. She manages to engage me in her work by taking me on interviews, live broadcasts, and asking me to contribute thoughts on news articles. With her, I can visit eyeopening places and people I wouldn’t be able to otherwise, such as the Gaza border, the President of the Hebrew University, the Israel Defense Force graduation ceremony, and more. No matter what your profession is, always try to show your child the interesting side of it, because a bonus might be that they find a passion within it.

Keep exploring!

Being Adventurous and Fun

When we think of a cool parent, we definitely think of a fun parent. Children and teens are at the age of endless curiosity, so it’s the parents’ duty to fulfill that. Go shopping with your child, take them on a road trip, do that TikTok trend with them. There’s no better way to connect than by actively participating in their life and going above and beyond to create worthwhile memories for them. With my mom, we frequently go on road trips across the country, exploring national parks, hiking mountains, swimming in lakes, etc. This showed me outings and adventures with parents are often more meaningful than the stereotypical “cool” option of going with friends.

Not Putting Pressure on Schoolwork

Academics are probably the last thing any child would associate with a cool parent. Among my peers, I’ve witnessed all sorts of pushy parents sending their kids to as many extracurricular study classes as they can cram into a week. This tends to be the number one cause of distance between parent and child. Barely any free time is left for spending time together and the child constantly feels pressured into achieving unrealistically high expectations.

To resolve this, lower those expectations, but keep them reasonably challenging. Don’t expect him/her to acquire full marks across all subjects every semester of secondary school. This will only shatter any interest they had and is essentially teaching them to learn for the sake of grades, which is the worst mindset to get into. For me, my parents are happy as long as I submit my best work. They sit with me to work through my mistakes rather than prioritize grades, which in my opinion, is the reason why I’ve stayed motivated to excel in school.

To sum it all up, when it comes to our parents, defining “cool” can be very individualized. These are five guidelines that really hit home for me. Try applying them to your life and see if they’re the icing on the cake your household is missing. Don’t forget, communication is key. Discuss them with your family and start refining your parent-child relationship, one step at a time.

Qinglan Du is a 16-year-old student from Beijing City International School. She’s originally from Beijing but is currently living in Jerusalem with her mother due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Aside from her passion for writing, she enjoys singing, spending time with friends and family, and experiencing new cultures.

KEEP READING: What Makes a Parent “Cool”?

Photos: Qinglan Du, Pexels

We’re in the middle of the second week of September and theoretically, the kids are all back in school. Theoretically…

While there are still teachers and students stranded abroad, attending class via Zoom, and some younger students being told that their return is delayed a few more days due to school regulations, the better part of Beijing’s student body is back on campus.

So, it’s time for Beijing’s parents to tell us how you think your child’s school handled the back to school process this year. Scan the QR code below and share your thoughts.

Leave your thoughts on this year’s back to school in the comment section below.

KEEP READING: Back to School: Grid Management and Canteen Regulations

Photos: Pexels

A big part of life is navigating all the different types of relationships we encounter. Whether it’s within your family, romantic relationships, life-long bonds of friendship, or our day-to-day encounters, knowing how to manage the relationships in our life will give us a high emotional quotient (EQ) and keeps us from being that one socially awkward friend.

In this issue of beijingkids we explore a wide range of different relationship dynamics, from the playground to walking down the aisle. Our Ask the Expert writer Julie Wolf discusses a question that we’ve all wondered at some point in our lives, “Is it ever ok to discipline someone else’s child?”, and teenage sweethearts Tom and Clare Starobynski share their secrets to a long happy marriage after four kids and 18 years of marriage.

Without a doubt, one of the key components to a healthy relationship is spending time together. In this issue, we’ve found some of Beijing’s best places to go for some less conventional family bonding along with the local etiquette on gift-giving when it comes time to celebrate. Believe it or not, in China sometimes a well-meaning gift may just offend your new friend.

One of the major milestones of life is that first romantic relationship followed by first heartbreak. We interviewed two families from different cultural backgrounds on their views of letting their child date and polled Beijing’s parents for the best relationship advice they’ve ever received and will most likely be passing down to their own kids.

But not all young relationships are innocent. Some can leave emotional scars for years to come. We’re so proud of one brave young writer Anna Ren for speaking up and sharing her story, about the traumatic experience of being harassed and cyberbullied by her peers, in hope that other victims of bullying will also feel emboldened to speak out.

KEEP READING: Eating Pizza: Good for Your Belly, Good for Their Heart 

Photos: Uni You

This article appeared in the beijingkids 2020 September issue